


Break Me Out

by SoHoldMeTight



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, Anna especially can be badass, Anxiety, Anxiety Attacks, Anxious Castiel, BAMF Anna, BAMF Castiel, BAMF Crowley, BAMF Dean, BAMF Sam, Bad Parenting, Bad father son relationships, Bad priest, Break Me Out, Break Me Out is actually inspired by the song but the song isn't by The Beatles oops, Castiel & Jo Harvelle Friendship, Castiel & Meg Masters Friendship, Castiel Buys a Dog for Dean, Castiel and Dean Winchester Have a Profound Bond, Castiel and Dean Winchester Need to Use Their Words, Castiel and Dean Winchester are Dorks, Castiel and Dean Winchester are the Same Age, Castiel and Dean Winchester in Love, Castiel and Mental Health Issues, Castiel can be quiet and badass, Castiel loves The Beatles, Castiel really likes The Beatles, Castiel's Father Being an Asshole, Castiel's parents - Freeform, Charlie Bradbury & Dean Winchester Friendship, Charlie Lives, Charlie Ships It, Child Neglect, Christmas chapter, Crying, Dead Mary Winchester, Dean Winchester Mental Health Issues, Dean can be quiet and badass, Depressed Castiel, Depressed Dean Winchester, Depressing, Depression, Destiel - Freeform, Dog - Freeform, Driving, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Emotionally Hurt Castiel, Emotionally Hurt Dean Winchester, Eventual Jessica Moore/Sam Winchester, Everyone has backstories, F/M, Family Healing, Family Relationships - Freeform, Gabriel Being Gabriel, Gay, High School, High School Student Ash, High School Student Castiel, High School Student Charlie, High School Student Dean, High School Student Sam, High school student Jo, Human Castiel, Human Gabriel, Human Meg, Human Michael, Hurt Castiel, Hurt Dean Winchester, Hurt Sam Winchester, Implied Castiel/Meg Masters, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Jess Lives, Jessica Moore Lives, Jo Harvelle & Dean Winchester Friendship, Jo Ships It, John Winchester's A+ Parenting, Kidnapping, Lucifer is a bit unstable, M/M, Meg Lives, Mental Abuse, Mental Health Issues, Mentions of Suicide, Michael Being A Dick, Minor Jessica Moore/Sam Winchester, Original Character(s), Pain, Panic Attacks, Protective Castiel, Protective Dean Winchester, Protective Gabriel, Protective Sam Winchester, Rape, Recovery, References to Depression, References to the Beatles, Sam Is So Done, Sam Ships It, Sam Winchester and Mental Health Issues, Sam Winchester loves dog, Sam is Fourteen Years Old, Sam is a Little Shit, Sam is the Voice of Reason, Self Harm, Singing, Slow Build, Slow Build Castiel/Dean Winchester, Song fic, Supernatural - Freeform, Teenage Dorks, The Beatles - Freeform, Therapy, There is happiness I swear!, Torture, Underage is not Cas/Dean or Jess/Sam, Zeppie, cas learns to drive, characters can be jerks but also not, child molestation, child rape, decent amount of flashbacks, everyone has the potential to be badass, gangs in later chapters, occasional murder, past self harm, religous/moral questions, therapy is later, there's a dog
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-01-28
Updated: 2017-10-11
Packaged: 2018-01-10 09:49:41
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con, Underage
Chapters: 35
Words: 199,827
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1158190
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SoHoldMeTight/pseuds/SoHoldMeTight
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Castiel has always been the obedient son. Losing his parents, and losing himself has made it difficult to find his way out of the cage he's locked himself in. Constantly striving to please, his life has always been the same routine- pray, learn, sleep, repeat. Until one day his life begins to slowly change and he can't understand what's different. Until he can.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Angels

**Author's Note:**

> This is my first fanfic in ao3 and my first Supernatural fic so please be kind. Comments are appreciated, and will be responded to. Thank you for reading! A big thanks to Miss_grey who checked my story for spelling errors, critiqued my writing, and encourage me to post my first story.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Here is my story's prolouge:) This will be the only chapter with a non Beatles related title.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is my first fanfic in ao3 and my first Supernatural fic so please be kind. Comments are appreciated, and will be responded to. Thank you for reading! A big thanks to miss_grey who checked my story for spelling errors, critiqued my writing, and encourage me to post my first story.

Castiel frowned, straightening his clip on tie. The six year old was not opposed to Sunday mass, he quite enjoyed it actually- he only wished his siblings would enjoy it more, as Gabriel had thrown his tie across their room to him, babbling on about Sunday being the day of rest. A clatter from the other side of the bedroom pulled the young boy out of his thoughts as Gabriel began speaking yet again.

"And does this look like something I would rest in?" Gabriel said with a bewildered expression, holding his brown sweater up in disgust. "Because I don’t think so."

Castiel looked at his two older brothers, knowing their arguing was typical and to be ignored. He couldn’t help but smile, he really did love going to church. There were giant statues! And the altar servers and priest wore big fancy bathrobes all day! One day Castiel wanted to be a priest too, then he could tell stories to people all day, he could pour the big shiny cups and sing. It would be great!

Anna had always smiled at his wide blue eyes and big grin, his sister always encouraging him. Naomi, however, was not so enthusiastic- “Castiel, don’t you wanna have a _family_?" Anna had merely shook her head, “Oh, let him be, Ni.”

"But I would have a family- me, Jesus, and God!" He’d said with a smile. "Would that not be great?!"

She’d sighed, and rolled her eyes, “Yes, Castiel. That would be… _great_.”

Having five siblings was… interesting, especially when you were the youngest- but at least he was never bored! He always had someone to play with, which was nice. Not to mention his cousins, when you had as large a family as Castiel’s, you were never alone. This being proven by the fact that his brothers were still talking about Gabriel’s laziness.

Michael shook his head in exasperation, speaking with an icy tone “Gabriel, this is hardly the time for your whining. If you’re so educated on God’s day perhaps you should show it more appreciation.”

Gabriel turned back to the shared mirror and rolled his eyes, “no need to get so worked up, Mikey. You know I love the guy, all these formalities just make me itchy.”

"You speak harshly of being itchy, for someone who is so fond of itching powder," Michael said as he buttoned his black jacket.

"You preach like an old man for someone’s who supposed to be be a teenager," Gabriel muttered, looking at Michael with annoyance as the teen finished combing his light hair.

Castiel said nothing as the conversation went on, biting his lip in irritation- father would not want to be late. They were never late. Ever. He did not want to be seen as disobedient for trying to sabotage mass. Lucifer took this opportune moment of annoyance within the brothers to walk in, a towel draped around him- another thrown over his shoulde

Michael looked at his twin, raising an eyebrow, “Is there any reason you took a two hour shower?”

"Because he’s worth it," Gabriel said in an airy voice, flipping his golden locks.

"Didn’t want to disappoint the preacher," Lucifer said, cracking his joints.

"Lucifer, the preacher does not sexualize his church goers," Michael said pointedly.

"I don’t know," Lucifer sung. "That’s what some preachers may do y’know, hide the gay behind the God."

Michael inhaled sharply, appalled at the idea, and shook himself. He sighed, shaking his head once more, and turned to look at Castiel- who was still having trouble with his tie. Michael sighed (something he did far too often for his age) and looked over once more to the aggravated child, the end of his tie now caught and twisted in it’s clip.

"Jeez bro, it’s a clip on tie. Can it get any simpler than that?" Gabriel said as he buttoned his sleeves.

Michael’s dark eyes flicked briefly to Gabriel and back to his youngest brother, “Would you like some help, Castiel?”

The boy sighed, his blue eyes staring down at the mess of a tie in his hands, “Yes, please. It is being impossible Michael! I do not wish to slow our family down- but I simply cannot correctly clip my tie.”

Michael nodded and strode across the shared room, walking over to Castiel’s small bed. It wasn’t exactly easy to have four boys share a room, but then again, it was the biggest in the house. The room was painted light blue, Lucifer and Michael having matching white and black bed spreads, Gabriel always being different had opted for a bed spread covered in candy of all things. Castiel had a soft blue bed spread of Anna’s and a few old black and white pillows that managed to look somewhat arranged.

Anna and Naomi were lucky, they only had to share with each other. He wished he had a twin sibling to share a room with, it wasn’t exactly easy for a six year old to share with brothers almost ten years older than him. That was another strange thing about the room arrangement, the age difference, with Lucifer and Michael both being fourteen and Gabriel being barely a year younger, a six year old really should not have inhabited this room.

Michael smiled softly at the young boy’s irritation and adjusting the clip so it wasn’t nearly falling off, “Quite alright, Castiel.”

Gabriel raised an eyebrow, “Got something against contractions kid?”

Castiel frowned, tilting his head at his older brother, Gabriel thinking the puzzled expression looked odd on his young face, “No, I do not have anything against contractions Gabriel.”

Lucifer scoffed, entering the boys’ shared closet, Gabriel laughed.

"Whatever you say kiddo."

*  
Castiel stared up at the large church’s dome, in complete awe of the glass windows surrounding it. Holy figures were covering the entire window in different shades of blue, green, red, purple, yellow, orange- it was like a glass rainbow! A heavy wooden cross hung on clear strings, dangling high above the altar.

Castiel tilted his head, trying to get a better angle of the cross. It was so big, and hanging by strings he couldn’t even see! He would be lying if he said he wasn’t worried it would fall. He gasped at the thought and immediately turned to Michael, tugging on his black coat worriedly.

"Michael, will the cross fall?"

Michael frowned and put a hand to his lips, “Castiel, sh!”

He bit his lip, and was silent.

"Gabriel, will the cross fall?"

The older boy looked at him, pausing from his attempt to loosen his sweater. He nodded, “Yes, yes it will. That’s why we’re here- to watch the cross kill the unworthy, good thing we’re on the left side, huh?”

Castiel gasped, he leaned back and forth his knees, looking for Anna. Michael frowned at him, and Castiel looked ahead once more for a moment. When his brother’s attention was redirected, Castiel leaned quietly behind him and silently sat down on the pew. He then crawled down it, since everyone was kneeling it was easy for his small body to cross the long wooden seat.

He paused when he reached Anna, and joined her in kneeling. He made sure none of his siblings were looking at him and leaned towards his sister, avoiding his other’s watchful eye who had just turned to look at him. Naomi took church very seriously. Anna smiled at him and he pointed at the wooden cross, she raised her eyebrows and he leaned towards her, cupping his mouth with one hand and dropping his light voice to a whisper.

"Anna, will the cross fall?"

She smiled at him, and shook her head, whispering,”No Castiel, the cross won’t fall. The wires may seem weak because they’re clear, but they’re very strong.”

"Oh, Gabriel said they would crush the unworthy."

"No, if the cross were to fall on anyone, it’d fall on Gabriel and rid us of his stupidity."

Gabriel frowned, and leaned over, “I heard that, Gandalf.”

Castiel frowned and tilted his head so he could see Gabriel, “Who’s Gandalf?”

Michael glared at the exchange during church, “Castiel, what did I say?”

Castiel sighed and raised his finger to his lip, “sh.”

"Exactly, so be quiet. Don’t interrupt your siblings while they are trying to pray."

"Castiel," said Mr. Novak quietly. "You need to pay attention."

He nodded, “My apologies, father.”

The piano had already begun to play, but now the priest began walking up the aisle, the altar servers leading the way, walking in white robes- the first holding the cross up high, another holding the bible, followed by the last server holding her hands in prayer. They walked in time, leading the way.

Like angels.


	2. Meet The Beatles

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> We learn more of Castiel's childhood, his family, and his friends (well, sort of. Cas is weird with friends). He is also given a present:). 
> 
> WARNINGS: Mr. Novak is not a good dad, there is no physical abuse in this chapter from Mr. Novak, but this may be triggering. Castiel is shown to be quite scared of his father.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Meet The Beatles was the second Beatles album to be sold in America, known as With The Beatles in the UK, but I thought this was more fitting since this story takes place in America- and Cas is only just finding out who The Beatles are. Thank you all for comments and again a big thank you to Miss_grey.

The difficult thing about being a religious six year old, is that people thought you were weird.

Kids shouldn't be talking about memorizing the Hail Mary. Children should memorize normal things like the alphabet. Of course, Castiel had already learned the alphabet, and he could read fairly well, so he didn't understand the concern he was shown. So what if he was in kindergarten and knew all the times tables, wasn't that a good thing?

Castiel didn't understand why adults were so impressed, he was flattered, but he didn't enjoy receiving so much attention. Thankfully, his family acted a sad though nothing had changed. Excluding Gabriel's occasional teasing and Anna's big smiles. His small classroom seemed crowded with all of children's staring eyes. His peers said he was super duper smart. It seemed to be a compliment, but Castiel just wanted to play church with his toys.

Luckily, Balthazar and Rachel were in his class, as well Uriel. The cousins were used to Castiel's intelligence. Or so it was called. His brain was the only thing a teacher could discuss without being corrected. He and his cousins (except Rachel) had explained their name pronunciation multiple times. He had been called Casteel by his teacher ("Am I saying it right, honey?") and Castle by his classmates.

"Does that mean you have dragons in you?" asked a boy, Chuck, Castiel was told.

Chuck wore a faded striped shirt and big blue gray eyes.

He frowned, "No, how could I have dragons in me?"

The other boy paused, "Yeah, mom says I have crazy 'maginations. I think I'm a physic!" His smile faltered, consumed by the images of his head, "Dragons," he said with a grin, "cool though, right?"

Castiel could not bring himself to disagree, and nodded, "I think you mean psychic. It is not rare that I have a crazy imagination as well, rest assured."

Despite these difficulties, Castiel found he rather enjoyed school. He found he liked that it was a charter school as well.

" _Why a charter school?" He'd asked with a frown, tracing patterns on the countertop._

_"Because," his distracted brother answered._

_Gabriel cackled at whatever joke he'd thought, fiddling with the oven to bake. His brother seemed fascinated with measurements and colors. Anna watched the youngest brothers with a smile._

_"Where did I put tha-" She handed him the metallic measuring cup._

" _Oh," he accepted the cup with a grin. "Thanks!"_

_"Because bro, less students for you to infect with your weirdness."_

_She frowned, swatting him with a towel, "Gabriel!"_

_He rolled his eyes and closed the oven door, "What, Anna?"_

_"Gabriel, I do not follow. I do not have a virus."_

_He rolled his eyes again, "Ugh, never mind."_

Castiel liked his bright blue plastic chair, and he liked the Earth carpet with different shapes around the edges, and he liked the small, wooden, round table where he sat.

There was a girl named Meg who sat next to him, and he liked her as well.

She liked to pretend they were knights at their round table. Castiel did not understand, but he liked this girl and it sounded like fun. So Castiel gladly played along and protected Meg from "super bad stuff," like numbers.

"But why are numbers bad, Meg? I can think of tons of other stuff that is considered to be bad, and numbers are not in that category."

"Because Clarence, numbers mean math," she said with a sigh, resting her head on the table. Her dark, curly hair shielded her rosy cheeks.

Castiel frowned. He wished he had long hair, then he could hide as well, "Oh. Is that bad?"

He received only a groan in reply.

*  
Coming home was always interesting. Castiel was there before anyone else. It made him feel like a big kid, coming home from afternoon kindergarten. He was only there from eleven to one o'clock. An entire an hour and a half before everyone else! Including father.

Mr. Novak was far too busy at work to pick Castiel up, so he rode the bus home. This meant he had his very own key! It also meant he got to help Gabriel out, sometimes his older brother had things set up in his room- pranks for his siblings, and he always suggested he help.

"Aw, come on Castiel! You and your innocent big blue eyes, no one would ever suspect a thing!"

"I don't know Gabriel, father and Michael will be upset with me if they discover our alliance."

"What, Mr. Pretty Boy Angel over here is gonna chicken out?"

He frowned and crossed his arms, "That is not my name."

"Huh, you really don't like contractions do you?"

"I just used one did I not?"

Gabriel had rolled his eyes as he grabbed a piece of candy. Castiel frowned and titled his head at the candy. "What? This is my breakfast."

"A tootsie roll?"

"Whatever Castiel just, please, help me out this one time?"

He frowned and dragged his small foot across the carpet, "We shall see."

Typically, Castiel helping Gabriel out meant Gabriel asking Castiel for help and being turned down. He'd thought about helping his older brother before, but that meant the possibility of getting caught. That was not something he was willing to risk. Instead Castiel got out his teddy bears, Stripes and Checkers, to play.

Stripes and Checkers had been given to Castiel from his parents when he was just a baby. Stripes was from his mother, she was a soft white bear with pale pink stripes. Checkers- from his father- had a blue checkerboard pattern across his white skin.

They were his favorite toys. Stripes and Checkers had odd names, and many siblings (his other sibling's toys) just like him. He then got out the CD player Gabriel let him borrow, put in his religious Christmas CD, and sat down to play.

"I'd never meet a boy named Checkers, would I Checkers? But that's okay, that just means you and Stripes are different. Just like me."

*

"Lucifer, I'm tired of this!"

"Father, I didn't mean it. I'm sorry."

Castiel's head whipped to the downstairs, surprised that his siblings and father were home early. He paused from his playing, running over to pause "Hallelujah Chorus", praying his father had not heard the noise.

His small fingers fumbled for the stop button. His breath hitched as he heard his father screaming. Castiel knew his father's anger. It was terrifying, and he wasn't sure what Lucifer had done- but he prayed he would be forgiven.

Whatever it was, his brother seemed to be handling the affair quite well. Castiel had never understood the constant calm his brother posessed. Mr. Novak was very tall.

He had a deep, scary, voice that made Castiel want to run and hide. However, in their small two story house there weren't very many places to hide. He crept out from his room, seeing his other siblings getting out of the car through the window in the hall.

They all looked nervous, except Michael of course, always in control. Castiel watched his siblings with big eyes, he saw Gabriel running a hand through his long hair, muttering something. Anna and Naomi were getting out of the small silver car, Naomi straightened her dress shirt and looked at their small house, not one to show emotion.

Anna did not seem as indifferent, she shivered in her green jacket and stepped closer to Gabriel, both of them seeming worried. Michael turned to Naomi and whispered something, and she nodded her blue eyes flickering to the house. She began to walk up to the door, Gabriel and Anna shaking their heads frantically as Michael watched.

Castiel heard something crash downstairs, it sounded like glass had shattered, and he quickly hid behind the wall, praying his father hadn't seen him. Whatever rage this was, Castiel did not want to come between it. The door opened and he heard Lucifer and his father briefly halt their arguing.

"Where's Castiel?"

"I'm sure he's fine," he heard Gabriel say. His father ignored this, "Castiel! CASTIEL, get down here!"

The six year old heard his father groan, "CASTIEL!"

He heard feet coming up the steps and he ran and hid in his shared room. That's when he realized, he hadn't cleaned up his toys- and father was furious! He backed up more under his bed, and covered his mouth with both hands, he wanted to listened to his father- but he was terrified of him as well.

His door creaked open, and Castiel closed his eyes and prayed, prayed his father would not be angry with him, prayed he would not be punished. Two feet walked over to his bed, black boots within his vision, if the boy reached out his hand, he would touch them. The man got on his knees, and Castiel began to tremble his hands folding over his mouth as he continued to pray. The figure put his hand under the bed, and his head came down-

Castiel moved his trembling hands, "Gabriel?" he whispered, tilting his head.

The older boy sighed, "God Castiel, don't do that to us."

He frowned, still whispering, "Do what? Hide? I'm sorry, I was scared. Something broke, and father wouldn't stop screaming. I thought he was going to- going to... throw something at me."

Gabriel shook his head, and frowned, "No, no we wouldn't let him throw anything at you."

"Did he... did he throw something at Lucifer?" Castiel asked.

"No, no thank god, he- he didn't throw something at Lucifer. Just the steps."

"Oh. Is everyone okay?"

Anna bent down from behind Gabriel, "Everyone's okay. Father's just unhappy."

She looked at him and bit her lip, and the boy quickly crawled out, managing to move now that his trembling was slowing. His two older siblings looked at each other, and back to Castiel. He was tempted to ask why the yelling had stopped but Gabriel and Anna seemed to be busy so he waited patiently.

Finally, Gabriel grinned, "Hey kiddo, you wanna go look in the attic?"

Castiel's eyes lit up, "The attic?"

His brother nodded, "Yep, Anna and I will go with you and see what we can find. How does that sound?"

"That sounds lovely! No one has ever allowed me to enter the attic!"

Gabriel chuckled, saying Castiel was the only six year old boy he knew that would say 'lovely'. Anna punched him. Castiel giggled and covered his mouth, hoping his father hadn't heard. Together the siblings quietly walked down the stairs, Anna holding his hand with a finger to her lips, their father was busy with a seemingly intense conversation with Michael.

Gabriel chuckled as he softly closed the green door behind them, Anna still holding Castiel's hand. Gabriel quietly opened the garage door, and motioned for the younger siblings to follow him. Castiel smiled, letting go of Anna's hand and running to the garage.

The twelve year old bit her lip, "Gabriel, are you sure we shouldn't see what's going on inside?"

He laughed, and covered his mouth, looking both ways, "You want to shake hands with the devil, that's fine with me. I just want to make sure that you do it in Hell."

Castiel tilted his head, looking for a giveaway of what movie this was. However, films were not his strongpoint and he once again found he could not understand a reference said in front of him. Anna rolled her eyes as she opened up the ladder, watching Gabriel climb up it.

"Alright Kittridge."

"Pipe down pipsqueak, help me lower this," Gabriel said, fiddling with the string tying the entrance to the attic.

"Just because you're a year older than me doesn't make me a pipsqueak. You act more my age than I do," said Anna as she helped him open the small opening in the ceiling, gesturing for Castiel to come up.

As he walked up he heard the banter continuing, "so you agree, your generation is immature." "No, I agree you're immature." Castiel looked around, seeing an old wooden rocking chair piled up in the back, surrounded by faded cardboard boxes. He walked up to the chair, and saw a box marked 'Dad's Stuff' and another 'Mom's Stuff' followed by a box for each of his siblings.

Gabriel walked over, pulling out their father's box. He gasped, "Gabriel, you should not touch that!"

"Calm down, squirt! I just wanna look!"

Gabriel opened the box, handing Castiel a paper bag, "Here, kiddo."

He frowned, pulling out a CD, "What are these?"

"Some of dad's old stuff. Y'know before he became so religious. He's not gonna care if you have 'em, take 'em."

"But these are father's."

"And you can have 'em. Kiddo you need something in your life besides school and religion- something. And this is it."

"B-b-but this is his," Castiel said, gripping the CD.

Anna smiled, "Then you can hold 'em for him, Castiel. Just hold onto it, a dusty old attic isn't any place for these classics. Now, which one is it you're holding?"

He frowned,looking down at the dusty CD, "Uh...Yellow Submarine."


	3. Yellow Submarine

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dean and Sam are introduced, and the characters all start their first day of school (in August because I'm mean).

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry it took two chapters to introduce Dean and Sam, but I really wanted to establish some of Cas' life first. Again, thank you to everyone who leaves comments and kudos. I really appreciate it:)

_"We all live in a yellow submarine, yellow submarine, yellow submarine, we all live in a yellow submarine-"_

"Castiel!" Anna called from downstairs. "Are you really listening to The Beatles right now? Come on, you’re gonna be late!"

The seventeen year old sighed, pushing himself off his rickety bed, rising to his feet, “I’m sorry Anna, I will be right there.”

He quickly made his bed, doing his best to fix his brother’s beds as well, then Castiel hurried down the carpeted steps, nearly tripping on the turn. Gabriel lowered the newspaper he was currently holding. He raised an eyebrow from his seat in the living room as he folded the paper. Gabriel placed it on the small side table next to the small, red, chair he was currently sitting in.

Castiel rolled his eyes, walking through the faded green room. "As if you were actually reading that.”

Gabriel gasped, “I’m hurt! Just because I wasn’t up last night reading Shakespeare doesn’t mean I don’t read.”

He frowned, as he entered the kitchen, “I’m sorry. Anyways, I did not stay up all night, I went to bed the same time I normally do. Gabriel, I told you what I was reading yesterday- do you listen to a word I say? The Man Who Would Be King?”

Gabriel smiled at his brother's response. Typically Castiel's answers were short and abrupt. He ignored that Castiel had apologized when Gabe had only been making a joke. Castiel was talking to him, and not only was he talking, he was talking about himself. And something he cared about.

"That sounds like something you’d be interested in. You act like you’re so smart while I can’t even this read this newspaper," Gabriel said with a grin.

Castiel blushed. He knew Gabriel was only teasing and didn’t actually think he was smart but he still did not do well with compliments. Gabriel frowned at Castiel’s sudden discomfort and attempted a smile to reassure him.

Castiel frowned, tilting his head. “Both of us know the only reason you are holding that newspaper is because of your odd sense of humor.”

Gabriel shook his head as the teen walked into their small kitchen. “Hmph, I thought it was funny.”

Anna laughed as she continued to work in the kitchen, buttering a piece of toast for herself before she left. She offered the other to Castiel, who only shook his head in response.

She paused to look at him but said nothing. “I’m sure you did, Gabriel. In fact I don’t doubt that you find _all_ your jokes funny. The problem is, you’re the only one who seems to share that opinion.”

Castiel nodded as he grabbed a granola bar to calm her nerves. “Don’t worry Gabriel, I’m not that smart. If it makes you feel any better, I don’t understand humanity the way you seem to.”

Anna shook her head, grabbing her keys. “Castiel, you are smart. Besides, humanity is just animals trying to pass themselves off as something better. I don’t understand them either. Gabriel, make sure to get ready sometime today. You have work you know, wouldn’t want to be late for your meeting with the Demi’s today.”

"Yeah, yeah, whatever. Kali’ll give me the promotion, Anna. Quit your worrying. Would you tell Michael I said hi?"

"You’re going to see him in a few hours, Gabriel."

"I know, but I just like him to know that wherever he goes I’ll be there to annoy him."

"Fine. Castiel, are you coming?"

Castiel had made himself as small as possible, silently clutching his book bag as he waited by the door. He nodded, opening the door for Anna. She smiled, “Such a gentleman.” He nodded, and closed the door behind them.

When the two got in the car Anna groaned, “Naomi forgot to fill the car up again! Ugh, why do I bother? She says her work is so important, 'she helps kids.'" Anna frowned. "What she does is make them miserable. Who decided to give her authority over children anyways? She’s gone all day, the least she could do is fill up the gas when she gets home.”

Castiel quietly handed his older sister a twenty dollar bill, and Anna raised an eyebrow. “Castiel, you realize I’m capable of paying for gas, correct? I’m just annoyed with Naomi because she didn’t fill it up.”

He nodded, still holding out the cash. The teen placed it above her wheel, looking at the ground while he did so. She sighed, taking the bill, knowing her arguing would get her nowhere with her brother. As they pulled out Castiel began to fidget with his book bag, not looking at Anna. Thoughts of last August- junior year- filtered through his head.

As their silver car pulled up to the large high school, Anna turned to her brother. “You know Cas, if you want… I don’t have to drive you to school f it makes you uncomfortable.”

"Our rides to school do not cause me to feel discomfort."

"Right, um, well I just… I thought someone should offer you, y’know, driving lessons… Um, I could take you if you wanted."

Castiel looked at her, “No, no I do not wish to learn how to drive. I- does this cause you anguish? If that is so I could wa- um… I could find another way to get to school.”

"No it’s… it’s okay Castiel, I just thought I should offer."

He nodded and stepped out of the car. Anna waved and spoke softly, "Bye.”

He looked at her and nodded, silently stepping out of the car. She smiled sadly and drove off. Castiel frowned, tilting his to watch her drive away. He turned to face his school. As he silently walked up the concrete steps he noticed other teenagers huddled in groups around the building, almost as if they were waiting for their acceptance in the school.

Lucky for Castiel, he knew no one at this school would ever accept him. He quickly entered the building and went to his locker, ignoring the chatter that surrounded him. The teen stopped at his locker, pulling out his books and hurrying to his first class.

"Hey, Clarence!" Meg said with a smile as he walked in. "Gonna help me out with math? You know I need it."

His face rose and fell, his best attempt at a smile, as he took the seat next to her. "Hello, Meg.”

Meg Masters. Castiel sighed, he had always liked Meg- but sometimes she could be overwhelming. She tried to act as if things hadn't changed. She certainly had. Castiel wouldn't lie- Meg had grown into quite the lovely young woman. Her dark curly hair was no longer in ringlets as it had been when she was a child, though it was still dark and wavy.

She had pretty features as well, her lips full and dark, and her face was softly curved into a heart shape. She sighed, turning her body to face him more, one thing that had not changed about Meg, she did not take no for an answer. He hated to admit it, but if not for her he would have had a very lonely time in school. Never mind the fact that she had been overbearing at times.

She raised her eyebrows, “Still a chatty Kathy I see.”

He frowned, “Meg, I thought you called me Clarence, which I still don’t understand. How am I to keep my nickname straight if you keep changing it?”

She was silent, and whistled, “When did you start spewing out sentences?”

He frowned, “Just a question.”

"Sorry, I guess it’s just cause it’s the beginning of the year and you’ll have to readjust to my presence and giving me one sentence answers."

He turned away at her prodding, facing his homeroom teacher’s desk and Meg sighed, “Hey wait! Listen Clarence, you and I used to be… sort of friends. Don’t shut me out. “

"Grade school, high school. Difference," he said,

She frowned, sighing, “Now you’re just doing it on purpose.”

He shrugged as the bell rang and the last of the students filed in for homeroom. Meg groaned, resting her cheek on her hand and Castiel couldn’t help but smile at his memories of the round table. As the rest of the students entered the classroom he heard his teacher beginning an announcement.

Ms. Cerise was young, at the very least mid twenties. She looked at her students, her short blonde hair swishing as she turned. He sighed, feeling bad for her, it would seem she was relatively new- a homeroom of seniors was not a good way for a new teacher to start. The teacher cleared her throat, and the talking decreased to an extent, she smiled- yes, she was definitely new.

All attention turned to the teacher, as well as the young male standing next to her. He was tall, a little over six feet and he towered over their small teacher. The male looked out at the classroom, his green eyes flickering from row to row, regarding his new classmates.

A few girls returned his stares, smiling softly at him- no doubt trying (and failing) to hide their intimidation in front of this new teenager. Not that Castiel could blame them, he was attractive, there was no doubt of that. With sharp bone structure and well kept hair (either dark blonde, or very light brown, Castiel wasn't sure) his slight smirk caught girl's attention, some boys as well.

“Class, we have a new student. Dean Winchester. Dean, is there anything you’d like to tell us about yourself?”

The teenager looked at the young woman before him, “Not really, sweetheart.”

Castiel rolled his eyes. He didn’t have time for annoying kids who thought they were God’s gift to the world because they could make a teacher uncomfortable. He didn’t have times for big green eyes, in fact he didn’t have time for much of anyone.

As Castiel noticed Dean winking at the brunette girl two rows behind him, he realized Dean probably didn’t have time for him either. As if he would he want to have time for Castiel anyways. He wasn’t special.

Castiel was pulled from his self deprecating thoughts by his teacher’s voice.

Her blue eyes flickered to the new student, “Dean, after announcements you’ll have to go to class, where are your books?”

He shrugged, “Don’t need ‘em, sugar. Not gonna be here long enough anyway.”

A few girls giggled at the exchange, while Castiel simply rolled his eyes.

*

"So, how’d the new class go? They reject you yet because they think you’re a nerd?"

Sam looked at him with a condescending expression, “You speak pretty highly for someone who quotes Star Trek and Back To The Future, as well as claiming to be Batman.”

Dean frowned, as the two briefly stopped at his locker. One thing he was still having trouble adjusting to, his brother's sass. His big brown eyes might look innocent at first, but Dean had seen them slip into a smug expression too easily, and too often to ever believe that.

”That’s not being a nerd, that’s being an avid movie watcher- which is perfectly normal, and sorry if I enjoy impersonating the most badass guy ever. I watch movies from my generation, and I like Batman. What’s so weird about that?”

The older brother shoved his hand in his book bag, searching for a pencil, “You worship a man in diapers, what’s your defense?”

Sam turned to see his face, his shaggy hair whipping as he did so,"Gandhi? He was a great man, I'm sorry that he didn’t spread fear and death like Batman, but he did spread peace and-"

Dean frowned, crouching on his knees and looking in his locker, “Love and kindness and unicorns I get it, I get it. If we’re done trying to pass you off as cool I’d like to ask you a question, do you have a pencil?”

The freshman sighed, reaching into his pencil pack, “Dude, it’s _literally_ the first day of school.”

"And I _literally_ can’t find a pencil, look, do you have one or not?"

Sam scoffed, handing him a number 2 pencil, “Would it _kill you_ to remember school stuff?”

"Would it have _killed you_ to make your own breakfast this morning? The answer to both, is no. But since it’s no, the other had to help out." He held up his pencil, standing to his feet," _This,_ is the equivalent of your breakfast."

The fourteen year old looked at him with another condescending bitch face, that, quite frankly Dean thought was becoming too normal an occurrence, “It wouldn’t have been that hard for dad to be around for the first day of school for once.”

Dean frowned, “He’s driving us to school tomorrow, isn’t he?”

Sam sighed, “Yay, now we get fifteen minutes of head banging music until we see him again in a week.”

Dean looked at the ground, then back to Sam, and his face lit up, “Well hey! At least we live around Jo and Ash this time, it’s been a while since you stopped by the roadhouse, hasn’t it?”

Sam smiled softly, “That’s true. It will be nice to see a few familiar faces for once.”

Dean grinned, “That’s the spirit Sammy!”

Dean let out a breath he hadn’t realized he’d been holding, what with paths Winchesters constantly being on the move, Sam never had much time to make friends. Or if he did, he had to leave them within a few months. Dean knew it worked on Sam, he did, he was eager to make friends, to fit in.

He could understand that, the need to feel wanted, but sometimes he worried Sam looked for that in the wrong places. Last move Sam had become almost a lackey of a boy’s, Brady's. He was very strange, always asking Sam questions, trying to force himself into his life.

Luckily Sam had never told anything to Brady he’d regret. He was too smart for that, but he did try and befriend Brady. He let him copy off his homework (“Well he forgot to do it, Dean”) a few times, and he was always helping him out of trouble. Dean knew Sam, he knew he was a smart kid and that he was going places.

So he knew what kids like Sam would be seen as: smart, good to have in a bad spot, nice, giving- and he knew what people would do with that. Whether this intuition was a good thing or a bad thing, Dean wasn’t really sure. He probably shouldn’t recognize someone being used, but hey continuous sex had it’s pros- aside from the general sex.

"Well, here we are," Dean said, stopping front of a lab. "Freshman honors biology." He wrapped Sam up in an unexpected tight hug, sniffling. "I’m so proud of you."

"Dean," Sam mumbled from against his arm. "People are staring."

Dean wiped a fake tear, “Then we mine as well make it worth their while.”

The warning bell rang and Sam shoved Dean away, “I have class, jerk!”

Dean scoffed, “Whatever, bitch.”

Despite Dean’s lack of interest or care in school, he hurried off to his class as well- hoping maybe he’d see that brunette from home room.


	4. Getting Better

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dean and Cas quite literally bump into each other. Sam and Cas meet, Charlie is introduced, and Meg confronts Castiel.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you to everyone who leaves comments and kudos. I really appreciate it, and I try to respond to all comments left. Don't be shy, tell me what you like, what you don't like. And again, thank you to miss_grey for reading this first.

"So… what class do you have next?" Meg asked cautiously as she walked beside him down the hall.

Castiel looked at her, and held up his Honors Anatomy folder.

She nodded, “Right. Anatomy, um- that’s cool.”

He nodded, Castiel held back a sigh- even he could tell this exchange was awkward. Meg attempted another uncomfortable conversation starter which failed, before they arrived at her math class.

“Guess you can’t help me when we’re in different classes, huh?”

He shook his head. She sighed letting the wooden door shut behind him. Castiel sighed, these interactions were taking far too much out of him, and it was only the first day! He shook his head as he entered his lab. Sitting down just as the bell rang, and another class began.

He felt the teacher’s eye on him when he asked a question, but he couldn’t bring himself to care. It was the first day for crying out loud, did he really have to ask Cas a question and quiz him on last year’s material to see if he remembered? Which he obviously did, this was only to make other students feel they had to work harder and cause them discomfort. Which Castiel did not want to participate in, people thought he was weird as it was, he did not feel this opinion would change if he were to be used as a weapon to strike fear into his fellow probationers.

‘I used to get mad at my school’ Castiel thought, the song was all too fitting.

_The teachers who taught me weren't cool_

_You’re holding me down,_

_Turning me round_

_Filling me up with your-_

“Castiel, pay attention!”

*

“So I was wondering, will there be extra credit on this test? Because I-“

Mr. Starr sighed, “Sam, the test won’t be for two weeks. It’s only the first day.”

“I know sir, I just wanted to make sure-“

Castiel left the lab. One of the freshman had patiently been waiting to ask the anatomy teacher a biology question. He figured his question could wait until later; he quietly closed the door behind him, not wanting to disrupt the conversation between teacher and student. He turned forward to-

“Woah!”

“Oh, I’m sorry!”

Castiel quickly grabbed the teen’s hand, helping him stand before he  dropped his books. “Oh dear, I am so sorry. I just didn’t want to cause any disturbances when closing the door. I see now that has caused me to be inattentive and I truly offer my condolences- I was too focused on that. I should have been paying attention to what was in front of me, my apologies I just-“

“Hey,” the teen chuckled. “That’s okay man. You don’t have to keep apologizing.”

Castiel nodded, looking up to- Oh. Dean Winchester.

“I’m sorry I do that oft- uh, right.” Castiel stammered, blushing.

 _'Yeah, you only said sorry_ twenty times _.'_

Dean laughed, “Don’t worry about it. I’ve never really had that problem, apologizing too much-Sammy says I don’t know when to apologize."

He rolled his eyes, "Apparently I’m not sensitive enough, or some emotional crap like that. So don’t worry you won’t offend me.”

“Oh, well… I am heartened by the cognition that you are sentimentally handicapped,” Castiel said with a nod.

Dean laughed, loud and heartfelt- it struck Castiel, hearing this other student laugh with such enthusiasm. He had not heard anyone laugh so truly around him in a long time. He smiled at Dean, pleased he could be a source of happiness.

“Ah,” Dean chuckled. “I’m not trying to be rude- that’s just- that was awesome, probably the best thing I’ve heard all day.”

Castiel nodded, and Dean looked at him again. Recognition formed on his face for a brief moment, before he shook his head.

Sticking out a hand he said, "Dean Winchester, pretty sure we've got the same  homeroom- course if we do, well… then you probably already knew that.”

Dean groaned inwardly, of course the guy already knew his name! He was in is homeroom after all, and Dean was a new kid. Whatever, Dean could use all the friends he could get. The guy seemed nice.

Not that Dean’d be staying long enough to keep friends, he really shouldn’t be making them- but whatever, besides Dean liked this guy.

Castiel stared down at the hand for a moment, before realizing he should probably shake it. Hoping Dean hadn’t noticed the pause and thought him socially inept, Castiel shook the young man’s hand. Since when did any teenager shake hands?

"Castiel Novak, it’s nice to meet you.”

Dean nodded; Castiel was definitely an interesting name. Dean realized he was still grasping his hand and dropped it abruptly. Man, he really needed to work on his social skills- humor, he was there. When it came to being normal, his luck wasn’t as great.

“So, uh what brings you here?” Dean asked, looking at the brunette in front of him.

Castiel frowned, “I had…. class here.”

“Oh, uh, right,” Dean looked at the closed door. “I don’t have uh- anatomy. But, my little brother- Sammy- he has some bio questions. Don’t know how he’s managed to have some, nerd- after all; it’s only the first week of school.”

Castiel briefly lifted his lips in that awful attempt of a smile he had, deciding not to mention that’s why he was here as well. He’d made Dean uncomfortable enough as it was, and saw no reason to continue this unintentional awkwardness. Knowing Castiel, he would screw things up again whether or not he made a conscious effort to be courteous.

“Honors bio, he’s really smart. Says he wants to be a lawyer, actually. So he went in to ask Ringo there a question.”

Castiel laughed a sound that surprised himself, and apparently Dean as well.

_I’ve got to admit it’s getting better’_

_A little better all the time_

The green eyed boy raised his eyebrows, “I take it you like The Beatles?”

_I have to admit it’s getting better_

_It’s getting better_

Castiel’s eyes brightened, “I love The Beatles.”

_Since you’ve been mine_

*

Dean groaned, he didn’t know anyone in this boring as all get out class. Granted, he was the new kid, so there wasn’t really anyone he knew in his classes. Except Cas, Jo, and Ash, he didn’t know anyone in this school.

Of course he’d only talk to Cas long enough to learn he apologized a lot, used big words, had a weird name, and that he liked The Beatles- it was interesting meeting a guy who liked The Beatles. He wasn’t much of a fan of them himself, but he’d met girls who claimed to be.

He didn’t really care what people said they were- god knows he lied about what he was enough to not be able to judge. Still, it was interesting to watch girls grasp for lies, not that’d he ever call them out on it. He wasn’t a douche, and that’d just be stupid. But Cas actually seemed adamant about this interest, in fact he even seemed somewhat happy, which was weird to see.

Dean had only known Cas for a day, and he wasn’t Vivian Sanders, his life hadn’t changed when he’d seen the blue eyed teen. But he was interesting, and from what little Dean had seen of the guy- he didn’t seem to smile a lot. Some chick had been trying to get Cas’ attention in homeroom and he hadn’t seem interested in her, why was he interested in Dean?

Hopefully he’d get to know later, as the bell had cut off any further attempts at making conversation. So fat he hadn’t much luck with conversation in this school, but he’d had eye contact- a lot of eye contact. Bela Talbot was only too interested, Dean didn’t know too much about Bela- only that they shared homeroom together and she had looked at him.

Although, the way Bela had looked at Dean made him… oddly uncomfortable, and not a good uncomfortable. He wasn’t nervous or unsure because of any stupid butterflies, she was just… strange, and he didn’t trust her. She reminded him too much of his own self and if there was one person Dean’d rather not be with, it was himself.

“Now everyone, please pay attention. This will be proving to be important later in the week,” the teacher said in his boring, monotone voice.

Geez, he sounded more miserable at school than Dean did. Actually, this was probably one of the only math teachers he’d ever had who didn’t smile obnoxiously and say how interesting and fun math was. At this point, Dean wasn’t entirely sure if that was a good thing or a bad thing, all he knew is this wasn’t Stand And Deliver, and his teacher sure as hell wasn’t Jaime Escalante.

“Ugh this class is so boring.”

Dean raised his head, was someone talking to him? He looked around the room, noting charts, graphs, and a bunch of boring students. But not a single student was looking at Dean.

“I mean, I like math and all- especially when dealing with technology. But really, could he put a little more enthusiasm in his teaching?”

Dean raised his eyebrows, seeing the person who was talking was only the girl sitting to his left.

“You know what would brighten things up? If he used his low voice, and took advantage of it, do you know how many characters he could impersonate?”

Dean frowned, turning to face the girl, “Are you talking to me?”

The red head shrugged, “Depends, are you listening to me?”

He bit his lip, nodding his head, “Suppose I am.”

“Well, Darth Vader for one would be an incredible voice to learn from. After all, who wouldn’t want to be taught by one of the most evil villain’s the world has ever known?”

He nodded, considering this, as Charlie said, “Of course, there’s the setback that he might kill his students if they don’t do their homework.”

“True, but on the other hand, it might whip some kids into shape. I mean, everyone’s going to respect Darth Vader- or they won’t, and he’ll make an example of him.”

Charlie scoffed, “And who wants to be Captain Needa.”

Dean nodded, “I guess Captain Needa wasn't needed after all.”

Charlie looked at him with a straight face, and broke out into a grin, laughing loudly. “I like you,” she managed through her laughter.

“Ms. Bradbury, Mr. Winchester!” The older teacher snapped.

“Sorry Mr. Willis, we were just discussing different teaching strategies.”

Charlie broke into laughter again.

*

Lunch found Castiel in his usual spot, procrastinating at his locker. He had to be careful when doing this; there were three different lunch periods- which meant there was always a chance of running into another student, or worse, a teacher. If a teacher found him, they would assume he was skipping class- because why would a student skip lunch? Then that would lead to him lying saying he’d forgotten something in his locker, and praying they believed him.

However, this time around, Castiel did have something on his mind - he wasn’t just wasting time so he wouldn’t have to eat.

Castiel exhaled, another long, nerve racking, but slightly more compelling day. He’d met someone, which was nice- but at the same time, he’d met someone, which was awful. A potential acquaintance was interesting, since Castiel hadn’t screwed everything up yet and scared Dean off.

Yet on the other hand, what if he didn’t screw everything up? What if everything went well? What if Dean became his friend, and wanted to hang out? What if Dean came over and saw his family, and thought he was a religious freak? What if Dean asked about his parents?

Oh, the fear of messing up was awful, but worse, the fear of having this work out- well, that terrified him even more. What if- he stopped, and took a deep breath, now noticing how tight his chest felt. What did Pamela say?

He thought back to 14 years old, 14 years old. Yes, 14 years old at _Pamela’s_ yes, focus on Pamela. He heard her easy voice “Breathe Castiel, just breathe”. He closed his eyes, sat down, not caring if someone were to see him. It would be okay, nothing had to happen- Dean and he didn’t _have_ to be friends, it’d be okay.

He took another breath, humming The Beatles.

He needed to relax, be normal. Calm down at the idea of possibly having a friend.

_'Man, I was mean_

_But I’m changing my scene_

_And doing the best that I ca-‘_

“Um, are you okay?”

Castiel opened his eyes, looking up from his knees at another senior- or, he presumed from his height being but an inch shorter than his own. The kind brown eyes looked at him with concern, not discomfort or annoyance, but genuine trepidation. It was kind, and selfless, therefore something Castiel was not accustomed to.

“Y-yes, I’m fine. Thank you, my apologies for causing you to worry,” he said, rising to his feet.

Well, there goes his one period alone, he could only hope this student would turn about to be uncaring and not try and console him.

“That’s fine, you didn’t cause any problems for me,” the teenager looked at him, a small but kind smile present on his face.

Damn it, he was nice.

“If you don’t mind me asking, what are you doing out here?”

Castiel frowned, if he had waited and stopped playing the good Samaritan for five seconds, he would know that _yes_ Castiel _did_ mind. But apparently they had no time for him to answer questions he was _comfortable_ with. Castiel sighed, knowing the stranger meant well- okay he could not think that without becoming paranoid, that the student meant well.

“Um, I’d rather not discuss my current distresses if you don’t mind,” he said, dragging his foot against the red and yellow checkered floor.

“Of course, I’m sorry I just… I wanted to make sure you were alright. What’s your name?”

“Castiel.”

The other student nodded, “Sam.”

“I’m sorry to keep asking you questions Castiel but… don’t you have class?”

He sighed, leaning against the locker, “No, just lunch.”

“Oh, well uh- what grade are you in?”

“I’m a senior.”

Sam nodded, “Cool, I’m a freshman.”

“Oh, no wonder I haven’t seen you around- I’m a senior, I thought you were one as well actually, you’re quite tall.”

Sam smiled sheepishly, “Yeah, I get that from my brother Dean all the time.”

Castiel furrowed his brow, and considered not asking at all. Sam would probably think he was annoying for asking, and he might not even know Dean Winchester- perhaps he’d be angry with him for asking stupid questions. He gulped. On the other hand, maybe he did know Dean and if he was Dean’s brother, he would wonder why Castiel hadn’t asked before.

God, this was ridiculous. He was ridiculous. It was just a simple question, why couldn’t he work up the nerve to ask it? Okay, okay, if he did know him he’d just say yes, if he didn’t he’d say no and they’d be done with it. Nothing bad could come out of it, right?

Castiel awkwardly cleared his throat, “Uh, you wouldn’t happen to know Dean Winchester would you?”

Sam groaned. Castiel bit his lip, what had he done now? He’d probably upset Sam, why couldn’t he just keep his mouth shut? But Sam surprised Castiel, shaking his head fondly, and laughing, Sam didn’t seem upset with Castiel at all.

“Ah,” he shook his head once more. “Dean’s already got a reputation for does he?”

Castiel frowned, tilting at the boy in front of him, looking him up and down, and debating in whether or not Sam was serious. Dean had acted in a rather arrogant manner in homeroom, but was he always like that? Was that his reputation?

“I do not understand,” he said, pushing himself off the lockers. “What has Dean done to” he raised his fingers in quotations,” ‘create’ a ‘reputation’ for ‘himself’?”

Sam smiled, laughing softly, “Uh, sometimes he just gives teacher’s trouble is all.”

Castiel nodded, “Yes, I have been a witness to his puerile ripostes.”

Sam shook his head yes, “Yeah, sorry about that. He can be a bit… against authorities.”

The blue eyed teen nodded, “Rest assured Sam Winchester, I have been exposed to teenage rebellion before.”

Sam smiled, “Well, uh, I’ll you get back to your locker then, I guess. It was nice to meet you, Castiel.”

Castiel nodded, turning back his locker to for further procrastination.

“Castiel, do you mind if I ask you something?”

The senior looked up.

Sam smiled, “You really should come down to lunch more often, you might think you’re an outcast or maybe you just don’t do well with people… but you’d be surprised how well you’d fit in with my brother and I. Uh, just saying- if you… if you do want to ever come down for lunch, there’ll be a spot for you.”

Sam grinned, showing off his dimples a final time, walking down the halls after. Castiel watched him reach the steps before turning back to his locker, and for a second… he almost did go to the cafeteria. Damn the nice ones.

*

“So Clarence, am I meant to assume we’re never going to talk again?” Meg said, almost dancing around Castiel as he walked down the halls.

Castiel closed his eyes, it wasn’t that he didn’t appreciate Meg’s offer to walk with him, he did. It was quite gracious of her to so generously offer wasting her time accompanying him. Castiel was sure she had plenty of other important tasks to perform besides talking to the stubborn weirdo.

It was all very kind of her to do so. However, it would be selfish of the seventeen year old to make her tolerate his presence any longer than necessary. The blue eyed boy knew she was likely itching to talk to someone of value. Or, at the very least, someone who could hold a normal conversation.

And Castiel- boring, pessimistic, ignorant to all social norms Castiel, was not one of those people.

She sighed, “Look Castiel..."

He stopped, giving her his full attention for the first time all day. She never called him by his name.

“This is getting old really fast; I’m seriously pissed off with you- if you’re so upset with me, could you at least tell me?” He frowned, tilting his head at her, questioning if she was being serious, but she appeared to be so. ”I’m sorry if what I said this morning upset you I’m aware you can speak in sentences. I just hadn’t seen you since June- its August!”

He looked down at his feet, feeling ashamed; he hadn’t meant to insult Meg. He was only trying to keep old wounds closed. “I was surprised you were talking to me, okay Clarence? And listen, I know you were just talking to me because it’s the first day and neither of us had readjusted to school yet but I’m sick of this! I’m tired of being looked in the eye for all of two seconds and then ignored. Look, I’ve been trying to work up the nerve to have a proper conversation with you for a long time now. I don’t know if you’ve realized this, but you’re intimidating. This is our last year together, Clarence.”

He looked up at her, before looking back down, seeing the earnest expression in her dark eyes.

“Please. Don’t spend it shutting me out.”

And in that moment, Castiel swore they were- no, in that moment he thought of Sam offering him a seat in lunch, he thought of Dean’s laugh, he thought of Anna encouraging him to make friends, he thought of Meg trying so hard to appease to him- something he had never fully noticed or appreciated until this moment-, he thought of all the times he had turned people away. And he thought maybe, just maybe, he could do this.

He looked at Meg, and this time he held her gaze, “Okay.”


	5. Fixing A Hole

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dean and Sam visit Ellen and Jo. Sam likes a girl. Anna and Cas play a game.

Castiel sighed, lying down on his bed after taking off his trench coat. School had been busy- but bearable. Despite his promise to Meg, which he knew she would hold him to, he wasn’t worried about what school would bring tomorrow. He wasn’t exactly looking forward to it, but… he was prepared to bare it once more. Perhaps with Dean in some of his classes and Meg in others, the social aspects of school would be somewhat more enjoyable than before.

As long as he still had some time to himself he thought he could withstand the public high school he attended. Fortunately for Castiel, he lived in a small town, only 600 students attended his school. There were larger schools within driving distance. He could go out of his way to attend a bigger school, with a bigger budget- but he would not have Anna drive farther so Castiel could attended a larger school.

Never mind the fact Castiel didn’t _want_ to attend a larger school. No, he much preferred a smaller school that resulted in as little interaction and as short a drive as possible. Castiel took a deep breath, revelling in the temporary quiet. His brothers were not yet home, though Lucifer was home as little as possible nowadays. The house was only accompanied by Anna and him.

As the rain tapped against the window Castiel heard someone moving about in the kitchen. Likely Anna, still, he felt his stomach tighten and considered seeing if it was an intruder. But when he heard his sister’s light humming a moment later he was reassured. This was one quality of Anna’s he appreciated above all; Anna did very well with reading people.

She knew when he was scared, when he was sad, when he was hiding something. It was nice, to have someone know when not to bother you. Of course on the other hand he was constantly worried Anna would ask him questions. Thankfully Anna was not one to pry, often settling for directing concerned looks towards Castiel. If she felt the need to ask if he would rather talk about something, she would- if he said no, she typically left it at that.

Castiel heard more noises follow Anna’s humming, and bit his lip. He felt guilty for not helping her in the kitchen. He had offered (he always offered) to help but Anna had only shook her head, saying he looked tired. He sighed contentedly as he fell back onto his bed.

He reveled in the quiet, loved it really.

But it also left him alone with his thoughts for too long, and that destroyed him. So Castiel did what he always did when he found his thoughts becoming too much, he turned on his beloved British band. Soon The Beatles were softly playing. Castiel could have sworn he heard Anna laugh.

_'I'm fixing a hole when the rain gets in_

_And stops my mind from wandering_

_Where it will go’_

*

“So, how was school?” Dean asked, taking a sip from his beer, watching Sammy from the dark recliner.

Really it was dad’s chair, but he wasn’t here. Dean took full advantage of this and happily made the chair his own. Sam looked up at him from the small kitchen table, where he was planning ideas for an essay that wouldn’t be due for another two weeks.

Nerd.

“Eh, it wasn’t bad for the first day. Mr. Starr said our test wouldn’t be for two weeks, so that’s nice, and to make sure to get every note written on the board. I made a friend who helped me with some math.”

Dean raised his eyebrows, “You needed help?” He scoffed; "I’ll believe that when I see it." 

Sam frowned; looking up from his work. "You helped me with math all the time.”

Dean rolled his eyes, “Yeah, but that was when we were younger- besides, you didn’t need much help, just a little guiding now and then. You say it like I’m smart or something.”

Sam’s frown deepened, putting his pencil down and looking at Dean. “You are smart.”

Dean shrugged, “Whatever. What did you learn in the first day of math that was so hard anyways? One explanation and you’re normally good to go.”

“Well today I wasn’t, okay?” Sam said, irritated.

Dean raised his hands, “Hey man, sorry, didn’t mean to hurt your feelings or whatever.”

“You didn’t, I shouldn’t have snapped at you, sorry.”

Dean rolled his eyes, “What is this? Marriage counseling? I don’t care Sammy. ‘Sides you don’t owe me anything, I was just wondering why you were…”

Sam looked at him, walking into the living room and plopping his lanky body against the small faded couch. Dean raised an eyebrow; looking at the round homework covered table Sam had left. Apparently Sammy was being rebellious today.

“Math is boring. Now, why I was what?”

“Why were you…" Dean’s eyes lit up. “Why you were getting so defensive?!”

Sam groaned, “Dean it’s not-”

Dean cackled, jumping up from his seat. He pointed a finger at Sam with a laugh. “You never get defensive!”

Sam fidgeted in his gaze, and Dean’s grin grew even more, if that was possible. “You never get defensive, unless it’s a girl!”

Sam groaned, glaring at Dean. “You know, just because I become annoyed with a subject does not automatically mean I like a-

“Oh you do, you totally have the hots for some chick!” He paused, “Unless- of course, it’s a dude. Which is okay too I mean stick it wherever you two-

He wrinkled his nose, "Oh, gross Dean! I know it's okay but I'm not sticking anything in anyone!" He rolled his eyes, “It’s not a du-"

“Aha! So there _is_ a chick! You didn’t need help with math; no one does on the first day, especially not you! Oh, you made up a question.” Dean grinned maliciously. “Oh this is great, this is awesome.”

Sam frowned, realizing his mistake, “Damn it.”

He really should have seen that coming. Dean was always able to get stuff out of him. Not that it surprised him really; they were only around each other all the time. Still, sometimes even Sam didn’t realize Dean had gotten his answer until he had.

Something that worked for Dean’s advantage only too often- another trait that kind of made Dean an ass. But Sam wouldn’t have it any other way, even if Dean did call him a sap for saying so. Their dad made things kind of intense for the two boys (he'd done that their whole lives really). It was nice to have one sarcastic ass he could always count on, despite the fact that he was _still_ talking.

“I knew it! Sammy my dear, who have you got your big brown eyes on?” Dean said with a smirk. He brought his palms together and rested his head against them, turning to face Sam.

Sam sighed, “I don’t have my eyes on anyone, and she’s my friend.”

“They always are in the beginning,” Dean said with a smirk.

Sam groaned, “Jerk.”

“Bitch.”

Dean laughed softly, getting up from his chair, the brown saggy material trying to cling to him as he got up. He shook himself, feeling the material still clung to him as he walked to the stove. Dean looked back at Sam, opening the dusty cabinets- man; he really needed to clean this place.

“So, for dinner tonight we may have-“

“Uh, Dean?”

“Hm?” Dean raised an eyebrow, pausing in his attempt to make their options sound appetizing.

“You know we’re going to The Roadhouse tonight, right? Unless we have a change of plans, which is fine if we do." Sam pressed his lips together, holding back a request to see Bobby. "I just- that’s what you said this morning.”

Dean sighed of relief, “Thank god for The Roadhouse.”

*

“Castiel, you sure you don’t need some help with that?” Anna asked, looking at his notebook from her spot in the kitchen.

“No, thank you Anna. I assure you your worry is not necessary. I will manage on my own,” said Castiel, not looking up from his work.

Castiel looked at his sister, who had turned back to whatever she was cooking. He bit his lip. It was rude not to help Anna. He’d offered once more to be of service- but she had said no.

“Castiel, I understand how schoolwork gets to you- don’t work yourself up so much, and don’t worry about the food, I can handle this.”

He had nodded then, but he still felt bad for not helping. He only wanted to do the right thing, but he was stuck between which was more important. Castiel felt the least he could do was not bother her when she cooked.

She nodded when he told her this, “Okay.”

He frowned, looking over his anatomy syllabus once more. Students were convinced they did not have homework on the first day. On the contrary they were given handouts containing guidelines for the rest of the year. Castiel did not see why Anna would think she could offer help while looking over a syllabus. Then again, he spent so much time on schoolwork perhaps she had forgotten to even bother asking what it was anymore.

“You know Castiel; maybe now that you’ve looked over that… maybe you could take a break.”

Castiel’s head shot up, “A break? Oh no, I have to highlight the most important objectives on this syllabus. If I don’t I will not know what skills will be most helpful in each class.”

“I know, but, you’ve been doing that for a while now. I mean, you don’t really have to highlight it and stuff you know, the fact that you read it is enough. I mean, most kids don’t even do that.”

“Well, I am not most kids.”

Anna sighed, “No, I suppose you’re not.”

*

“So,” Ellen began, pouring out a beer for Dean. “You want to tell me why I’m pouring a seventeen year old a beer?”

Dean shrugged, “Not like I haven’t had one before. If you wanted to stop me from having a taste of alcohol you should have told me at eight.”

Ellen sighed, “Fine, but just one, alright?”

Dean nodded, “S’fine. Only came for one anyways, what with Sammy being round and all.”

Jo rolled her eyes, her hips swinging as she walked up to the bar, “Yeah, because if not we should just get drunk.”

Dean smiled; he’d forgotten how much he enjoyed The Roadhouse. It was easy here, and by that he did not mean the girls, he’d been trying to warm up to Jo for two years now. Course with the Winchesters always traveling, two years equaled a few months if you combined all the Winchester’s stops. Dean and his dad had gone off to follow a shooter’s trail a few months ago, and had spent a few nights here during the trip.

Try as Dean had, Jo was used to men liking her, what with her working at a bar and all. Thankfully, Dean wasn’t a dumbass and hadn’t pulled too much with her. Jo and he were too good of friends for him to let anything come between them. That, Ellen, and the fact that Jo had spent time watching Dean flirt with other chicks had stopped that train before it’s really has time to get started.

Still, Dean was kind of glad it hadn’t happened- The Roadhouse was like a fresh breath of air to the older Winchester, and he wasn’t ready to sacrifice that for anything. The leather seats had his smudgy fingerprints worn into them, and he couldn’t tell you how many times he had run his fingers over the posters that lined the walls. This place was like a second home.

Sam chose that moment to walk over, as Dean frowned at the two women. “What are you guys, my mothers? I just came here to eat, god.”

Ellen lifted her shoulders, “No harm in checkin’ in on ya.”

Dean saw Sam, and reeled him in, messing up his hair, “Looks guys, I got another animal for your wall.”

Sam shoved him, “Jerk.”

“Bitch. What, a man can’t go moose hunting now and then?”

Both women looked over at Sam, smiling. Ellen smiled, opening her arms, “Sam! It’s good to see ya. Last time I saw you ya were at least a foot shorter.”

Sam smiled, “Yeah, one year and I just shot up.”

Jo laughed, leaning against the bar, “Soon you’ll be taller than Dean over here.”

Dean frowned, “I’m 6’0.”

Jo raised an eyebrow, “And he’s 5’8 at fourteen.”

“Maybe his growth spurt just hit early, he might be done growing,” he grumbled.

Jo laughed, “I’m sorry was that… jealousy, I heard in your voice?”

“No, I’m not jealous- it’s just… well, I’m the oldest. It’s only fair that I get to be the tallest,” Dean said, trying to make his protests sound logical and not like a grumbling child.

Jo stuck out her bottom lip, doe eyes resting on him, “Poor baby.”

Dean rolled his eyes, knowing the blonde was only teasing. She and Ellen had been round the boys long enough to be considered family. Really, Ellen was like an aunt- her warm smiles and big hugs. Dean would never admit it, but he kind of liked them.

Jo was interesting; he did have some weird feelings for her, her big brown eyes always drawing him in. Oh god- now it sounded like he was talking about Sam and just… no, Dean shook his head, he and Jo were more of friends anyways.

Ellen placed a plate of chicken salad in front of Sam, and a burger for Dean when she returned from another table. The boys eyed the food hungrily, making no attempts to hide their delight at the sight of it. Ellen smiled, shaking her head, and handing each boy a set of silverware.

Dean dug into his food, “Thanks, Ellen.”

Sam nodded, “Thank you.”

The brunette smiled, “No problem boys, always happy to serve the boys in jackets.”

Dean looked down at his leather jacket, and at Sam’s jean. “What’s wrong with ‘em?”

She laughed, “Nothing.”

“It’s just that you wear them all the time; seriously it’s like a second skin. Dean I’ve see you wear that thing in the summer.”

He raised his eyebrows, “Well it’s a good coat.”

She rolled her eyes. “Knowing that nearly every time I’ve ever seen you you’re wearing it, yeah, I’d say it is.”

“Alright enough making fun of the boys. Now that everyone’s here, tell me how was the first day?”

All the kids groaned. Ellen merely laughed in response as she began collecting plates from other tables, “Went that well, huh?”

“School. Is. Awful. I want to go out and do something with my life, make a difference. And I know I need at least a little education to do that, but everyone at school thinks I’m the freak with a knife collection.”

“How rude,” Dean said through his chewing.

Jo nodded, “Thank-“

“The knives have nothing to do with it; you’re just a freak in general. They should give credit where it's due."

Sam laughed.

Jo punched him.

Dean winced, “Geez Jo, no wonder people think you’re weird. One remark and you start punching,” he said, rubbing his shoulder.

“What can I say,” Jo smiled sitting on one of the stools surrounding the bar, “It’s part of my charm.”

“You know who else had charm in the beginning? My man Jack from The Shining.”

Sam snorted next to him, trying, and failing, to drink his Pepsi. Dean laughed at his misfortune, causing Sam to make the classic bitch face stick his tongue out.

Jo rolled her eyes, “You’re not careful I will become Jack from The Shining.”

He laughed, “What, and come after Sam in the maze? Come on, don’t be cruel.”

“Why do I always have to be the one with mind powers?” Sam complained. “They always end up either traumatized, or screwed.”

Dean laughed, pointing at Jo with his thumb, “Try telling that to Jack Torrance over here, sorry Sammy, but Jo’s got the worst fate in this story.”

Sam raised an eyebrow, “And who are you, the damsel in distress with the knife in the bathroom?”

Dean scoffed, “Please, you’ve had worse roles in these stories than I have, Carrie.”

The younger Winchester groaned, “Why do I always have to be the one with mind powers?”

“Would you rather be your victims?” Jo asked, raising an eyebrow as she turned her stool towards the boys.

“Oh come on Sam, you’ve gotta admit- Carrie’s perfect for you. Naive twerp with the weird family who doesn’t know anything about her developing body? The chick who has to go home because she starts her period? Please, that’d totally be you.”

Sam rolled his eyes as Ellen refilled their drinks, “You kids aren’t careful you’re gonna roll your eyes into the back of your heads, what with all the eye rolling you do.”

They all stared at Ellen, and rolled their eyes in response.

*

“Hey Castiel, did you hear me? I said dinner’s ready. Are you finished with your work?”

Castiel looked up from his papers, “Yes I have completed my schoolwork, actually it has been finished for a considerable amount of time now- I was simply focusing my attention on other matters.”

Anna nodded, putting her dishes in the sink, “oh,” because sometimes Anna just didn’t know how to speak to Castiel.

Anna could see the rosary slipping between his fingers, the one their mother had given him, similar to Anna’s. Mrs. Novak had picked out a different colored rosary for each child. To Castiel, a light sapphire rosary- and to Anna, a dark green. Lucifer had been gifted with a dark crimson rosary, while Michael had been given a topaz rosary. Gabriel had received an orange rosary, and finally Mrs. Novak had given Naomi a lilac rosary.

“I am sorry Anna,” Castiel said, worry and sorrow in his eyes. “I was not trying to be lazy or unhelpful, I was just… I was praying.”

_‘Silly people run around’_

Castiel felt Anna’s eyes on him as he was reminded of a Beatles song. Not wanting to draw any more attention to himself, he did not hum. Anna gave him looks often enough and he didn’t want to cause her any extra stress.

_‘They worry me and never ask me’_

She worried far too often for Castiel’s sake, and it was kind of her, really it was- but it only made him feel worse when he saw the disheartened look in her eyes as if his unhappiness was somehow her fault. When he went up to his room to be alone, she was worried and thought she had upset him- but he was only trying to keep her from being unhappy with his presence.

_‘Why they don’t get past my door’_

Anna was still distracted by the rosary, glancing at the necklace. It was one of the few things Castiel had to remember his mother by, and Anna had come to expect Castiel to have it tucked away somewhere. In his pocket, his book bag, laying a top a Beatles cd- wherever Castiel was, his rosary was not far away. She had also comes to realize how often Castiel prayed, not that he hadn’t as a child.

He had, more often than most children- but then he had a different look in his eye, God was full of wonder and possibility back then. He was all loving and forgiving, he could create a universe as easily as Castiel could breathe, and he would never leave you. God was filled with unimaginable love, and Castiel loved with as much heart as he could, knowing the importance of God’s creations.

Now Castiel seemed almost afraid, he was frightened of being deemed unworthy and unlovable. God scared Castiel, but he was also afraid to not spend all of his time praying and pleasing him, because he knew he was not worthy of God’s love or attention. God’s power was not spoken of in wonder as it had once been. The Lord was no longer a powerful hero, he was a feared judge of evil. God was filled with unimaginable power and strength, so Castiel hid with as much heart as he could, knowing the power of God’s creation.

God had once been something to marvel at, and Castiel’s love for Him had been so wonderful to see. It had given Anna more faith than anything else could have, the way her brother’s eyes had lit up with awe when speaking of God had been, well, beautiful. But now Castiel seemed afraid of him- and Anna almost wished (she knew she should not wish this, but sometimes she did) that Castiel did _not_ believe in God, because his faith scared him and made him miserable.

It was such a heartbreaking thing to watch her brother go through, and she had no idea what she should do. She never knew. She felt so helpless around Castiel, she wanted to reassure him he was okay- calm him down, but she could never keep him away from the things that dragged him down, especially if she was one of them.

Anna knew Castiel felt bad for never telling her anything, and therefore she was a problem herself. She looked at her brother with a crestfallen expression, seeing Castiel’s slumped shoulders. Castiel may have been seventeen, but he was still a child, and no child should feel so defeated at the end of the day.

“Hey, Castiel, now that you’ve gotten through some of that- would you like to take a break? Please? I’ve been getting pretty lonely here- and now that you’re home, I just- please?”

Castiel looked up at his sister, and he saw the pain in her eyes, he nodded, “Yes, I believe that would be wise and prove beneficial for the both of us.”

Anna smiled softly, wrapping the remaining food in the refrigerator for her brother, “Do you have anything in particular you’d like to do?”

Castiel stared at her, frowning, and then with all the seriousness he possessed replied, “We should play Twister.”

And that is how the two youngest Novaks ended up playing Twister, sprawled out in the kitchen, dishes forgotten in the sink. Apparently the two siblings had also forgotten they would need someone to spin the game board for them, so Castiel moved it around with him and spun it while playing. He looked rather silly, Anna thought, and it was nice to see him doing something other than praying or homework. Even if he did this with his ever constant serious expression, sometimes Anna thought it was the only expression he had.

“You know what’s unfortunate about this game?” Anna said, struggling to keep from falling flat on her rear.

“That it’s under appreciated by children of this day who have their parents waste their income on electronics that will indelibly break after rotting their brains?” Castiel offered. “Oh, right foot blue.

Anna stretched her leg, “Oh god, don’t let me fall. And- well yes, but no, what’s sad is only _one_ of us may win.”

“With all due respect, I believe God is worried about other things than making sure a twenty three year old doesn’t fall on her ass while playing Twister. Left hand, yellow.”

Anna laughed as she moved to the requested color, a sound that made Castiel smile- a small, quick smile, but a smile nonetheless.

“If it appeases your recreational bravado, you may win,” Castiel offered, hoping to fix a problem before it started.

Anna scoffed, “It’s a game my dear Castiel. You can’t just give up and let me win, then there’s no point. Besides, I don’t need to try for bravado- it’s a natural gift, especially when it comes to games.”

“You do always beat Michael, Naomi, and I in trivia games,” he says. “Right hand, yellow.”

Anna smiled, “No offense, but everyone beats you in trivia games, Castiel. Even Michael.”

“Yes, but trivia games are just that, trivial. Of what importance is the material we discuss in these games? The value withheld in that information only applies to the members of society who take delight in watching game shows. Left foot, yellow.”

“Hey,” Anna managed, struggling not to step on her hand, “maybe one day that’d be you up there. You never know. On the offhand chance you do go a game show, please try not to lose.”

“I apologize in advance for when I do,” Castiel said, raising his hands before placing them back in the appropriate colors. “Right foot, blue.”

“Already there, we need to move off yellow,” Anna said, struggling not to knock her hand and foot on yellow against each other. “Castiel, I’m sure you’d do fine- don’t be so negative.”

He rolled his eyes, “Anna, there is no need for your consternation- I am not expressing this conviction out of lament or contrition but simply because I believe it be true.”

“Also I’m pretty sure you’re going to hate me for this, Anna.”

Anna rolled her eyes, “Castiel, I will not hate yo-“

“Right foot, yellow.”

“I hate you- but not really!”

Castiel’s lips quirked upwards at Anna’s rush to show he as joking, “I know.”

“But God this is really hard,” Anna said, wincing when her ankles knocked, “how are to fit every limb on yellow?”

Castiel looked up from the yellow circles, awkwardly moving his lanky limbs and trying to avoid knocking into Anna’s leg, “Anna I am sorry to disappoint you but I sincerely doubt God’s sympathies are spent on our game.”

“Well they should be- this is difficult.”

Anna realized, as she and Castiel attempted to put every body part on four yellow circles- which she knew was impossible- that there was an edge at the last yellow circle where she could manage to squeeze her foot into the corner. “Castiel, have you been spinning that thing at all? This is killing me.”

“I apologize for the game’s incompetence, but I can assure you I have been spinning and only receiving yellows in response.”

Anna moved her foot, and the game moved underneath her, creasing and her foot slipped on it, but she caught herself. Unfortunately, the game had other plans and slipped farther on the floor, causing her to lose her footing and fall- which lead Castiel to fall as well. The game slipped underneath the two Novaks as they tumbled to the ground, Anna laughing.

Castiel looked at their tangle of limbs and the game they were both currently slipping on, and he laughed. Anna looked at him in surprise before she began to laugh once more, the two siblings laughing as they attempted to get up- slipping each time they did. And this is how Gabriel found the two youngest Novak’s, collapsed on the floor and laughing.

*

The next day found Castiel in a considerably better mood than the first, as he entered art.

When the boy walked into the long room, with four large fold up tables placed in two rows he was greeted by a face he had not noticed yesterday, Dean. It would make sense, Mr. McCoy was a more relaxed teacher and thought introductions awkward, and always asked the student if they wanted one instead of forcing them to stand up awkwardly in front of the class and speaking.

Apparently Dean liked conversing with his peers as much as Castiel did. Castiel glanced at him cautiously, and when Dean looked up from the plain sketchbook each student had received, he saw Castiel and smiled. Castiel didn’t know how to honestly smile, so he bit his lip and nodded.

The oldest Winchester rolled his eyes, waving him over to the back table and patting the seat beside him. Castiel hesitated for a moment before walking over to the still new student, as he was still cautious about talking to the teen. But Dean’s smile was so relaxed and inviting, Castiel found himself walking to the back of the room instead of sitting in the front where he always sat, in any class- it provided the best learning.

“Hi Cas,” Dean said with a smile.

Castiel paused, “Um, hello.”

No one had ever called him ‘Cas’ before; the only nickname he had ever received was Cassie, from Balthazar and Gabriel. It was surprising, but Castiel quickly recovered, pulling out one of the paint splattered wooden chairs and taking a seat.

_‘I’m taking the time for a number of things’_

He wasn’t really sure why Dean was talking to him, or he to Dean- Castiel was strange and awkward and boring. Socializing really wasn’t an activity he did well with in any degree of success. Also, friends simply weren't something Castiel did, he just didn’t- the closest things Castiel had to friends were his cousins, and even those relationships could be strained.

_‘That weren’t important yesterday’_

“Hey, could I ask you a question?” Dean asked, opening his sketchbook as he did so.

Castiel watched the older Winchester, knowing everything he was doing was completely out of character. This was not Castiel Novak.

_‘And I still go’_

But hey, Dean had asked.

“Um, I don’t see why not.”

“Okay, so, I never really got a chance to ask you before, but um, what are your feelings on pie?”

Castiel frowned, his eyebrows gathering in a crease as he tilted his head, “My opinions on pie?”

Dean nodded, “Do you like it? Not like it?”

Castiel’s frown deepened, “Um, I do not know- I have never spent very much time contemplating my emotions of baked goods, and this includes pie. I supposed I would have to try some first.”

Dean stopped drawing, “Wait, what?”

Castiel bit his lip, had he said something wrong? “I’ve never had pie before.”

“What?”

Castiel looked at him for a long time before answering, “the taste of custard has never entered my mouth, I have not eaten pie before- in my entire life.”

“No, I know what not eating pie is I’m not retarded,” Dean said.

Castiel frowned, “I did not suggest you were mentally handicapped, Dean.”

Dean grinned, “No it’s from a movie. I take it you’ve never seen Mean Girls?”

Castiel shook his head, and Dean nodded. “Kay, if Sammy ever asks anything about that- I never said that, okay? I’ll never hear the end of watching that girly movie, ‘sides it wasn’t my fault, Jo made me watch it.”

Castiel nodded, “If Sam requests information about this film I shall not hesitate to defend your male bravado.”

Dean paused, and began to laugh even louder. Castiel was unused to being such a source of amusement, occasionally he made Anna laugh, but never so much in a day. Dean shook his head, “Ah, sorry man, I don’t mean anything by it. S’just the way you talk, no offense.”

Castiel frowned, his head tilting, “I am glad to know my speech patterns provide you amusement, but I do not understand what it is about my speaking that provides such reason to laugh.”

Dean smiled, shaking his head, “Nothing man, you wouldn’t understand. So Cas, quick question, what do we do in this class?”

“We create pottery, but we also draw our ideas down in these sketchbooks, and learn about different ceramic techniques from what I have heard.”

“From what you’ve heard? You mean you’ve never taken this before?”

He shook his head, “No, it is only required that you have one art credit in order to graduate, I have taken other classes that require multiple credits in its stead.”

“Oh, you just look like an artsy kinda guy is all. You’re always wearing your old trench coat and nice clothes. You just look really professional, and then you have your crazy dark hair- I don’t know, you just give off an artsy vibe.”

“Or a tax accountant, but artist sounds cooler.”

Castiel looked down at his attire, as Dean looked away, not having thought his comment so strange in his head. Castiel frowned; did he look that old and messy? He looked up, noting Dean’s brown leather jacket and boots, his faded jeans rest under a shirt labeled ‘AC DC’ which displayed a lightning symbol between the block letters, Castiel wasn’t quite sure what it meant, but it was very interesting.

“Well…thank you, Dean. You have a very… bike rider vibe.”

Dean laughed, “Thanks, Cas.”

Castiel blushed, realizing he had once again said something wrong. He frowned, looking down at his hands as his eyebrows furrowed, “I am sorry, Dean. I’m- I’m not… I’m not good with people. I don’t understand many references at all, and I’m too serious, and I’m too grumpy, and I don’t know how to function like a normal person, I’m wrong- and, and I’m not any fun, I know I’m annoying and I shouldn’t be here, I don’t belong. I’m just no-“

“Stop,” Dean said in a serious tone- which made Castiel look up, frowning, tilting his head and looking at Dean with his dark, corrugated eyebrows. This was probably the most serious tone Castiel had ever heard Dean use, “don’t beat yourself up with stupid stuff like that. You belong here, Cas- you shouldn’t let anyone, including yourself, tell you otherwise.”

_‘And it really doesn’t matter’_

Castiel’s face relaxed, and he looked at Dean with gaping eyes. Dean scoffed, “You’re wrong, about not being right Cas, you belong here as much as anyone else.”

_‘If I’m wrong, I’m right’_

“Now, are you sure you’ve never had even the tiniest bit of pie? You’ve had to have it at some point, you’ve never had pumpkin pie on Thanksgiving?”

_‘Where I belong I’m right’_

“Well, I suppose I had a very small bite of pie when I was younger, but I remember thinking it disgusting.”

_‘Where I belong’_

Dean’s eyes widened to a comical size, “What kind of pie did you have that was disgusting?”

_‘See the people standing there’_

“Pumpkin.”

“What?! Pumpkin pie’s not disgusting!”

_‘Who disagree and never win’_

“It’s moldy and dry and anything pumpkin is automatically gross.”

“Not if it’s pie!”

_'And wonder why they don’t get in my door’_


	6. Lady Madonna

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cas and Anna deal with a few family issues, Dean does his best to help.
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> Also, Jessica is introduced.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'd just like to give a huge thank you for all the support I've been receiving from everyone for this story! Thank you so much to anyone who's given comments, kudos, bookmarks- it doesn't go unnoticed and I really appreciate it:)

 

_'Lady Madonna'_

Anna ran around the kitchen, cracking another egg into the pan before grabbing the toast as it popped out and placing it on the waiting plate in the counter, quickly buttering it.

_'Children at your feet'_

"Anna," Gabriel said as he walked into the kitchen, "Have you seen my tie? I hate it, but I need it and if I don't hurry I'm gonna be late."

_'Wonder how you manage to make ends meet'_

Anna shook her head, filling him a plate, "No, I haven't. I'm sorry, I'll keep an eye out for it- you should ask Michael, he might’ve seen it."

Gabriel sighed, walking towards the stairs, "It's a good thing Kali is so in love with me- Michael!"

She rolled her eyes, "Couldn't you have just gone upstairs?"

_'Who finds the money'_

Michael hurried down the stairs, "What is it, Gabriel? And where's the youngest?"

"I need my tie, have you seen it? And I don't know- cleaning our room I think. He should be down here in a few minutes."

Michael frowned, "Did you tie it around the bed post again? You know, so you don't lose it?"

Gabriel exhaled, running up the stairs already, "Damn it, I did! Be right back! Thanks for making breakfast, Anna!"

_'When you pay the rent'_

Anna shook her head, sitting on one of their wooden stools, about to eat some of her pancakes when Castiel ran into the kitchen, still buttoning his trench coat as Anna noticed his messy dark hair which stood up in all directions. She sighed, putting down her fork, and walking over to Castiel. She raised an eyebrow and he looked at the floor, dragging his foot across the wooden floor.

_'Did you think that money was Heaven sent'_

"I'm sorry to ask, but could you help me for a moment?"

She smiled, shaking her head fondly, "Of course," she went into the downstairs bathroom, avoiding bumping into Michael- having only two bathrooms and five siblings was not easy- grabbing a brush from the drawer and running it under the water.

The brown eyed Novak walked back to Castiel, raising the brush as he sighed, getting on his knees. She ran the wet brush through his atrocious hair, working through his nearly always messy bed head. She apologized as she worked through a kink of dark hairs that had decided to stick up.

She set down the brush once she was satisfied, "There, ready to go now?"

He nodded, and she hurried back to her plate to finish her pancake as he stood by the garage door patiently. She grabbed her green jacket, slipping it over her pale arms and shouting out a goodbye to whatever siblings remained at the house. Castiel opened the garage door for her, waiting for her to pull the car out, and then closing it once more before getting in the car.

"I can't believe I managed to get a spot in the garage last night, normally Naomi and Michael's car is there, and Gabriel's- guess we beat them for once, huh?"

Castiel nodded, watching Anna as she turned the keys and backed up. The ride to school was quiet, as usual, but it didn't give off a tense or nervous vibe as it usually did. Anna's eyes darted to Castiel for a moment, smiling when she saw the calm expression on his face instead of the typically stern or worried frown. It would appear taking a break last night had been a good idea after all, Anna thought with a smile. The laughter and happiness that had radiated off Castiel, however brief, had been amazing to see. She couldn't think of the last time Castiel had willingly, happily played a game with anyone. Normally he was shy, awkward, and kept his eyes trained on the floor. But when it was just Anna and Castiel- or sometimes even Gabriel- sometimes, briefly, he relaxed. One thing she could always count on to relax Castiel was his music. Scratch that, his band.

"Well," Anna said as she slowed the car to a stop, "have a good day, Castiel."

He nodded, but not as sharply as he usually did, "And you, Anna."

The blue eyed Novak shut the door, hurrying off to school. Castiel squeezed through a series of chattering students as he approached his locker. Ah the second day of school, yes then- it had started, it hadn't been a nightmare a few days ago. No he was really here, in school, at his locker.

It would only be fitting that as Castiel compared high school to Hell he would be approached by none other than Crowley King, one of the most conniving, cocky, condescending seniors in the school. Castiel sighed, he knew it sounded stupid that a teenager could be so intimidating but Crowley was... well, he ruled like a king, and he made his kingdom Hell.

Crowley King was an unashamed dealer, and despite being shorter and stouter than some he was more of a threat than anyone in this school. Not just another sleazy, sketchy, scumbag- no, Crowley had a way of being a snake, something that slithered in the dirt with bugs and other infestations, and yet one would move for him in fear of being bitten. He smirked when he saw Castiel, approaching him with quick, silent steps. The taller senior masked his discomfort with his usual stern frown, waiting for the inedible as he opened his locker.

"Ah, Castiel, how are you these days?" Crowley said with a smirk, leaning against another locker.

Castiel's frown deepened and his low voice rumbled out an acknowledgement of the man a presence, "Crowley."

The teenager raised his eyebrows, "Yes...?"

Castiel stared at him with a bored expression, "What business do you have with me?"

Crowley's smirk only grew, as he stepped closer "Well, you see Cassie dear, I happen to know a few things about you."

Castiel's bored frown quickly turned into an annoyed glare, "Yes, well, I congratulate you on your gossiping abilities."

"All I wanted to say Castiel is that," he took another step to Castiel and stood on his toes, whispering into his ear, "I really like you."

Castiel flinched noticeably when the teenager's dry lips softly pressed against his ear, making him shiver. Crowley pulled away, pleased with having obviously caused Castiel discomfort.

He smirked, "So please don't make me hurt you."

Castiel raised a shaking hand to his ear, hastily stepping away from Crowley, his frown still present on his face as he tried to control this situation he had found himself in. Crowley smirked once more, an action which made Castiel's skin crawl. The shorter man walked away silently, and everyone in the hallway turned to Castiel, having seen the exchange.

The youngest Novak opened his locker and grabbed his books with a shaky, attempting to calm his breathing. He hurried into his classroom, his entire body now shaking. Hands touching him, a man pressed against him, someone cruelly whispering disturbing comments, unwanted lips on his skin- no, he needed to stay calm. Castiel took a breath as other students walked into the classroom, slowly finding his way to the back of the room.

Castiel had never considered this a smart place to sit, but now, with him shaking so harshly, he was glad he wasn't sitting at the front of this classroom. Dean hurried in late that day, not that he made any effort to be time, but he always was.He literally 'slid' into his seat, looking at Cas with bright eyes, which calmed significantly when he saw Cas' expression. Dean bit his lip; Castiel frowned, for he had hoped he had put a deceiving facade. Then again, Castiel was a terrible liar

"Hey," Dean said cautiously, "you okay? You look pretty shaken up, man." Castiel nodded, "I'm fine."

Dean looked down to his sketchbook, not drawing to attention to what he knows a lie, "Okay. Hey, Cas? I never got the chance to ask, do you have a favorite Beatles album?"

Castiel perked up noticeably at the band's mention, and Dean smiled softly, "I do actually! I do love Rubber Soul, all Beatles' albums considerably, but my favorite would be Sgt. Pepper's lonely Hearts Club Band."

Dean grimaced, "Ugh, that's a mouthful."

"Oh it's a lovely album, Paul McCartney came up with the idea, and would you like to know how?"

Dean raised an eyebrow, smiling fondly a moment later, "How Cas?"

"12:00 pm. November 9th, 1966."

Dean scoffed, "Jesus Christ Robin Williams, You know the fuckin' date?"

Cas frowned, "I have seen no evidence that should get suggest Jesus' involvement with my memory, that's a pretty far-fetched presumption, Dean."

Dean shook his head fondly, laughing at Castiel's complete misunderstanding of his the reference. He wondered how many references it would take before Castiel would understand. He'd really have to show this kid some movies sometimes.

He smiled, exhaling, "the story, Cas."

"Patience, please."

"Well they were out at dinner one night, Paul and Mal, and the Beatles were enervated with their semblance. By then the band had commenced bifurcation, George had started to write- and since they were famous they were writing books, really John, and in movies and such. Also, they had started doing pot-"

Dean nodded, and said in a razzing tone, "Naturally."

Castiel scoffed before continuing, "Sh. Anyways, Paul thought 'what if we weren't The Beatles?' and thus began the assessment of making alter egos for the band. Such erudition, who would have ever thought of alter egos? The idea for a single entertainer, sure- but a band? Honestly, geni-" "Cas." "Right, anyways, so Paul inspected his sentiments on the notion for a while. So when he and Mal were garnering dinner, they ordered their food and received their salt and pepper but it was telescoped and only labeled as 's' and 'p' and Paul explained to Mal it was merely abbreviated, and then they were appraising other words and he said 'Sergeant Pepper' and then he was playing around with words- this next part doesn't have nearly as much rhyme or reason, if any, which it doesn't really I mean..." He trailed off.

"Anyways, he thought 'Lonely Hearts Club Band' because that does not sound logical in the slightest. Why would a bunch of lonely guys get together to form a band of all things? Also, they made it a 'mouthful' on purpose, because many sings they'd written had a lot of word play and were easy to say, this was different- strange, unique. So, they actually did what you were just complaining about, on purpose."

Castiel smiled then, "Isn't that neat?"

This was the first time Cas had really smiled around Dean, not shy or a ducked head, but an honest, sweet, open smile. And Dean thought it was a nice smile, hell, it was cute. The blue eyed boy before him looked like a child on Christmas; he was a proud, happy smile and a sweet voice. It was so odd to see on Castiel, and Dean welcomed it, imagining how rare an honest smile was from this kid. And he'd said neat, _neat_! He was sounding, and acting, like a child- and it was ridiculously sweet.

Dean grinned back in return, "Yeah, Cas. Yeah that's really neat."

That afternoon, when Castiel was picked up, Anna was surprised to see his positive mood from that morning had only increased, she didn't say anything, only smiling at him and inviting him into the car.

*

 

"So anyways, I told him he was crazy- but Dean of course, he never listens. You think if you're older than him he'll cooperate? He won't. You think a position of power will persuade him? It won't. He's pretty recalcitrant if I'm honest," Sam said with a grin. "And that is how I ended up in jail. For the first time."

Jessica laughed, "What do you mean the _first_ time?!"

She was shushed by one of the other students who were studying on the fourth day of school, damn. People in here really did take class seriously- not that Jessica wanted to do poorly in school, but it was only the fourth day. Besides, they had fifteen minutes left of class and they had all already finished their math homework.

Jessica looked around the classroom, noticing their teacher seemed fine with others getting up from their seats; she raised herself from her chair, now sitting on her light brown desk. She smiled at Sam, thank god, someone to 'talk to' in here. This class was relatively small, the checkered floor dotted with only ten or so desks, what with the class being Honors Algebra and all- and often Jess found the students in her classes were uptight and self-righteous. Sam was like a breath of fresh air to her, not that she didn't understand grades were important, she did, but she still wanted to enjoy school. She still wanted to laugh, still wanted to goof off, be immature.

"Jeez, look at you jailbait, in jail more than once- how classy."

Sam rolled his eyes, readjusting his spot on the yellow seat, "Hey, I'm not jailbait- and it wasn't my fault! I was innocent!"

The blonde smiled, "Sam, either convince me you're a hardcore badass, or an innocent bystander schoolboy, you can't be both."

"Yeah, well, shows what you know."

She rolled her eyes, and Sam smiled- this was one of the many reasons Sam and Jessica were getting along so well. Both were relaxed around the other, which was something Sam would take in bounds- relaxed, easy, fun. Sam had met girls before that were too intense, they were too interested in his past, and not him. Not that Sam would turn someone away if they had baggage of course, that would be plain hypocritical. Simply that, he had girls his age that were rather abrasive- and Sam just wanted to get away from it all, talking to Jess wasn't that way. Talking to her was easy, fun, happy.

She scoffed, resting her tan chin on her soft palm, "Well, I'm sorry. Please, educate me on the ways of being an innocent criminal mastermind. Are you sure you should be telling me this stuff anyways? I mean, don't get me wrong, naughty is nice- but if I'm kidnapped by one of the goons after you, they might torture me with Miranda Lambert in their basements."

Sam rolled his eyes, "Don't worry, I'd fight my way in with The Styx playing as I sent the goons back to prison."

She put a hand on her heart saying exaggeratedly, "My hero."

Sam smiled, ducking his head, "Guess that's me."

Jessica smiled, Sam was interesting- he was interesting, and experienced, and had the look of someone who had lived a hundred lives, and yet he was...sweet. Honest, and funny, sincere, in ways one wouldn't expect a person such as him to be. Not that the girl knew very much about him, she didn't really- and she knew that.

Jessica had no illusions of her and Sam's relationship; she knew they had only met a few days ago. Besides, Jessica wasn't the kind of girl to rush into relationships, or lie to herself about their statuses, and she took pride in that fact. She wasn't one to let herself be pushed around, and despite Sam's stories (which she'd really only heard funny stories about Dean getting him into trouble) and height, she wasn't intimidated by him. She was, however, intrigued by him. Sam Winchester was a sweet boy, funny too, but he was determined. The first few days when the teacher had been speaking of what this year would bring, Sam had dutifully written down notes.

She raised an eyebrow, "you guess maybe I shouldn't let my life rest in your hands after all."

"Fine," Sam said, now frowning, "good luck finding someone else who'll want to save your nagging ass."

"Hey, it might be nagging, but it is great."

Sam only scoffed in return.

_*_

 

"And what about you, Clarence? Do you get this, because, if nothing else- you're smart."

Castiel felt his cheeks darken slightly, "Um, I could explain it- if you want?"

Meg shoved a paper into his hands as Dean watched with suspicious eyes; he had a bad feeling about this chick. Some might say Dean was paranoid, that he spent too much time with his dad, and therefore was too weary of others, but Dean knew a feeling like this. He knew the feeling of disappointment in people before he'd even had the chance to feel it yet, whether that was from his dad's job, or his dad himself, Dean wasn't sure. And he didn't particularly care to find out. The blue eyed boy tilted his head, frowning at the paper, as if he stared at it like that long enough it would apologize and become easier for Meg to understand. He rose from his seat and moved closed behind her, bringing his own pencil and circling a question.

Castiel nodded, "Okay, see what you've done here?" He said, placing his eraser on a certain step.

"You misused your value, now; instead keep the negative in front of your parenthesis. That's a simple step to omit, trust me and you should call to mind to always use parenthesis first. Sometimes students forget the order of operation, or PEMDAS, and that's crucial to the plurality of high school math."

Meg nodded as he continued to explain, "So I use _this_ value?"

Castiel nodded, and pointed out something else, watching her do a math problem before helping her on a more complex equation.

It didn't take long before Meg could do this on her own, and Dean had to say he was impressed, Castiel was a good teacher. He also seemedto be a good friend, over the week Dean had witnessed Castiel help other students, despite being somewhat nervous in their presence, and they had been quite grateful.

As was Meg, and she thanked him- it would appear to Dean they had done this before, since the brunette had no problem with her raven haired friend assisting her in homework. That was one positive thing Dean could say about her, she was easy going- a stark contrast to Castiel's tense and anxious demeanor.

After his friend had assisted Meg in her homework, Castiel rejoined him at their desks, leaving his friend to her school work. Dean smiled, as Castiel quietly sat down, that was another thing he had noticed about the raven haired boy- he was such a cautious student, such a cautious friend. Everything Cas did was done with hesitation and precaution, far too much for someone who was only seventeen years old.

It was especially interesting to Dean because he so often threw himself into things, threw himself into most things really. Sam was more of the cautious brother, the one who analyzed and reanalyzed and over analyzed to the point where it could drive a person nuts. He would know it had done so to him on multiple occasions.

"So, Cas, you know what I realized?" Dean said abruptly.

He raised his head, followed by his eyebrows, "Hm?"

"Well, we've been talking for about a week now- and I barely know anything about you. 'Cept of course, that you... need more pie in your life, are really smart, love Dean Winchester- but who doesn't? And like The Beatles... a lot. Seriously though man, how often do you listen to those guys?"

"Well, most of those are right- although the one about you was a bit presumptuous," Cas said with a straight face. "It depends I suppose, do you mean often as in how many times a day? Or in general?"

Dean's eyes widened, "You listen to them every day? Only them?"

Castel nodded, "Generally."

"Geez man, don't you have other stuff to do?"

He blushed at his obvious lack of a social life, "Um... homework."

Castiel could not help but think in that moment the accusations of denial he would have been accused of had Naomi been there, or the irritation of Michael for speaking with someone who cursed. The endless taunts and teases of Lucifer for attempting to make friends also rang in his ear.

How sad that all of them had good intentions.

"So...you do homework and listen to The Beatles? Living in the old days huh? Do you watch Mister Rogers Neighborhood a lot too?"

Castiel cocked his head, staring at Dean with a disapproving expression, "Well I should hope not Dean, if I did have a neighbor who went by the name of Mr. Rogers, watching him would be eldritch and aberrant."

Dean frowned, " _What_?"

He sighed, "It'd be creepy."

"Oh. Did you spend your spare time studying a thesaurus?"

"On occasion."

Dean scoffed, shaking his head, "Why am I not surprised?"

He frowned, tilting his head once more, "You don't think they deserve to be read? Thesauruses prove to be quite the beguile read, sometimes even analeptic. I suppose it's not everyone's primary choice of literature, but it does prove to ameliorate the rudimentary vocabulary."

Dean raised his eyebrows, "Are you saying my vocabulary's 'rudimentary'?"

Castiel looked down, before realizing it would seem he was insulting Dean, and quickly his head quickly snapped back up as his cheeks heated up, "N-no! I-I.... I'm sorry, I didn't mean to... h-hurt your feelings."

Castiel felt his cheeks heat up, and looked down once more. Wonderful, now he had most certainly hurt Dean's feelings, the only person he had met who had ever actually shown any margin of interest in him.That's what he got, trying to make friends; didn't he know he always screwed everything up?

"Cas."

No matter.

"Cas."

He didn't deserve friends anyway.

"Cas!"

He looked up silently, and saw Dean frowning at him. Of course Dean had called him up, he'd only wanted to remind him of how disappointed he was with his almost friend. How awful Castiel was, how could he have ever thought he would make friends with him? Castiel's eyes downcast once more to his shoes, and he felt someone touching him. He jerked back sharply only to find Dean looking at him with a confused expression. The youngest Novak bit his lip, wondering why elder Winchester had even bothered talking to someone like him in the first place.

"Cas," Dean said softly, "its fine. I was just kidding."

Castiel felt his eyebrows furrowing as he stared at Dean, tilting his head as he did so. "You were?"

"Yeah, I don't even know what rudimentary means, man. It's cool, I was just joking- I didn't mean to freak ya out, man. We cool?"

Castiel frowned, "I don't understand, I previously believed us both to be room temperature."

Dean shook his head, smiling, "Nah, man. It means, are we okay? Like, no hard feelings?"

Castiel didn't mention the fact that feelings didn't have a texture, and his feelings could be neither hard nor soft and nodded. 'Okay', that he understood. The smile he received from Dean was enough to rid him of any present anxiety.

_*_

 

That weekend Anna was different, she seemed far more hassled than she typically was. Anna was one of the few people Castiel could rely on to be emotionally stable, and the fact that she wasn't. Well, it scared him.

"I don't know- I don't know where your tie is, Gabriel! Okay! I just don't know!" Anna shouted, resting her head in her hands, leaning against the kitchen counter.

Gabriel held up his tie apprehensively, "I...was just going to let you know I found it."

"Well that's great, Gabriel," she said softly, forcing the present calm in her voice as she got out a rag. "Did you have any other groundbreaking news, because right now I'm really busy.”

"No. I just- I didn't want you to worry. Calm down over there kiddo, whatever you're worried about will be fine. Besides, you've got more than four minutes to save the world."

Anna breathed in sharply, "Gabriel, I really don't have time for this."

He shrugged, "Okay."

With that he turned around, heading up for the bedroom.

He sashayed his hips, quietly singing, "No hesitating."

Castiel watched the exchange from the living room where he was quietly rereading his science notes, trying not to be a nuisance.

Naomi walked in with a smirk, looking down at her little brother and leaning down, whispering, "Mommy and daddy are fighting again. Wonder which one will get the baby."

Castiel frowned, looking up from his notebook, "I assure you Gabriel and Anna are not engaging in any Oedipal like liaisons."

His sister rolled her eyes, "No dumbass, it's just a- never mind, you never get them anyways." "Besides," Naomi said smugly, "we both know Anna would get you anyways. Everybody knows she's the only one who'd be willing to fight for you."

Castiel closed his eyes, inhaling and exhaling deeply. He knew Naomi, he knew her- always more than willing to make him feel unworthy, pushing him around since he was a child. The youngest Novak was well aware of her feelings towards him, which were similar to most others in the household.

Annoyance, irritation, anger.

However, Castiel had stopped giving anyone the satisfaction of knowing his emotions a long time ago. He included. He was determined not to show weakness in front of her, instead he opted for his usual routine- cold eyes, frown, and enough internal damage for this household. So he did what he always did when he was upset and at home (which he almost always was). He turned on The Beatles, and endured the weekend- hoping his music wouldn't bother his brothers.

_'Friday night arrives without a suitcase'_

For the first time in what seemed forever, Anna went out that weekend, leaving Castiel alone besides the occasional slamming of doors as one sibling left for work, or returned from it. Wherever she was, he was sure it was more entertaining than home. _  
_

_'Sunday morning creep in like a nun'_

Not that she was there to object.

_'Monday's child has learned to tie his bootlace'_

Monday morning Castiel did not wake up to Anna's soft but firm voice waking him, luckily he had always an alarm set in case. Nevertheless, it was a strange occurrence- and not something he had ever been accustomed to, luckily she was home- though she seemed barely awake, and yelled at him when he asked if she was alright ("God, Castiel! Not everyone is a head case like you!") _._

_'See how they run'_

This left him more disheartened than he would care to admit, and Castiel could see contrition on Anna's face after her act of paroxysm. But guilt only helps if you act on it. Castiel attended school in a disheartened fashion after his interaction with his sister, despite Dean's best efforts to cheer him up.

"Maybe it's her time of the month," he said jokingly.

Castiel frowned, shaking his head, "I doubt her menstrual cycle has an ample effect on her tolerance for our family. While her vexation may appear seemingly petulant for the moment, we have not yet been made aware of the initial cause."

"You know, it's a wonder how you don't have girls hanging off you," Dean said with a smile, Castiel only frowned and tilted his head.

"It's talk like that, that either gets you sex or ruins your chance of ever having it. Seriously man, you're either gonna freak girls out, or charm them into taking their clothes off for you."

Castiel glared at Dean, speaking harshly, "I will do no such thing."

Dean rose his hands in defense, surprised by Castiel's cross expression, "Easy Cas, I was just kidding."

"I do not see the humor in taking advantage of women."

Dean bit his lip, nodding, "Kay, sorry. Didn't mean to offend."

Castiel sighed, "It is not if import, my feelings remain unscathed by your inadvertently harrowing comment. My apologies, my response was unaccommodating and acrimonious."

Dean shrugged, "It’s cool man."

Castiel's pensive expression softened, it was comforting for him to know Dean was such an easygoing person. It was another thing Castiel liked about the young man, he wasn't very serious or demanding, and Cas was well aware of the fact he needed more of those people in his life. He knew Dean would eventually bore of his serious views, and his awkwardness. Castiel didn't know why women entertained being socially inept, it was neither a fun nor interesting quality to have, and made having friends quite difficult. Not that Castiel had many examples of past made friendships to show, but he had plenty of failed attempts.

Castiel sighed, "Perhaps she has simply grown tired of me. I am not exactly an easy person to be around, Dean."

Dean frowned, putting his pencil down, "So? Being a family isn't about being there for each other when it's easy, it's about being there for each other when it's not. From what you've told me of your sister, she's sweet, and she doesn't sound like the kind of person to turn bitchy because you don't lead the apple pie life. 'Sides, how could anyone grow tired of you Cas? So maybe you're a little more serious than most, you're still a good guy. I've had more fun with you the last few days than I've ever had with my family, and you're not that much fun."

Castiel frowned, but Dean wasn't finished and continued speaking.

"Or so you say. Look, I like hanging out with you Cas- and I'm sure Anna does too, you worry too much. M'Sure she just had a bad day, maybe what she really needs is to know she can talk to someone. If she seems bitchy, she's probably gonna be. So wait 'til she's not and then subtly tell her she can talk to you."

Castiel nodded his clouded expression lightening considerably," Thank you, Dean. I believe you may have just offered a strategy with much potential."

He nodded, "That is the general idea. Glad I could help, Cas- nice to keep you and your sibling not killing each other."

"Oh, I have more than one."

"Siblings?" Dean said, raising his eyebrows.

Cas nodded, picking up his graphic pencil and returning to his work. He really shouldn't have put it down in the first place, after all he had work to do and talking could wait. But he had felt rude not paying attention to the male besides him, besides; it was art, so Castiel allowed himself to breath for a time while he and Dean conversed. Castiel frowned, smoothing out the ends of his work, he still wasn't the best, but when he took his time- which he always did- it turned out alright. Currently he was working on a small sketch of Anna, part of his apology. Also, she was just easy to draw.

"Cas?"

He looked up, "Yes?"

Dean raised his eyebrows, "Uh, you gonna elaborate?"

Castiel frowned, tilting his head as he looked at Dean, "About what?"

"How many siblings you have?"

Castiel's face lit up with understanding after a moment, "Oh, yes. I do have more than one."

"What, two? Ugh, three?" Dean scoffed. "Sheesh, I can see why Anna gets pissy sometimes, that'd be tough."

"Five."

Dean paused, "What?"

"I have five siblings."

His eyes widened, "Five? You have five siblings? God, there's six of you?"

Castiel frowned, his brow furrowing as he cocked his head, "That is five plus one, yes."

Dean smiled, knowing Castiel wasn't trying to be rude, "Yeah Cas, I got that."

He shook his head, "Geez, six of you."

"Yes."

"Which one are you?" Cas frowned, "I'm...Castiel. I thought we had established- _"_

Dean chuckled, "No, I mean, are you the second oldest? Third?"

"I'm the youngest."

Dean scoffed, leaning back in his seat, "The youngest sheesh, I feel like a cradle robber."

Castiel frowned, tilting his head, "I should hope your association with me doesn't cause you to feel like a kidnapper."

Dean smiled, chuckling, "Never mind, Cas."

*

_'Lady Madonna, baby at your breast'_

When Castiel came home, Anna was hurrying about the kitchen, cooking and cleaning. Castiel sighed, walking behind her, clearing his throat in order not to alarm her. He silently held out his hand, staring at her until she resigned and gave her brother the wooden spoon, allowing him to take over the cooking and send her upstairs.

_'Wonder how you manage to feed the rest'_

Castiel knew Anna had only just gotten started, so he took out some spaghetti- luckily Anna had already begun boiling water for whatever she intended on making. While Castiel worked he entertained himself by going over the functions of his cardiovascular muscle, and felt the heart was an amazing thing. Then he found himself laughing over something Dean had said, which certainly had nothing to do with his cardiovascular muscle and left him perplexed as to how that had entered his mind of all things. Then again, Dean was considerably humorous. Even to Castiel, who'd often been told by his siblings- Naomi particularly- and fellow students that he had no sense of humor.

_'See how they run'._

When Castiel went upstairs to speak with Anna he noticed how quiet she was. Castiel, however, did not let his anxieties overtake him, and was reassured when he saw her chest raising and falling.

_'Lady Madonna, lying on the bed'_

For goodness sake, she was only resting- he really did have an unrecognized mental problem, didn't he? Again, something he was reassured of by his siblings- save Anna and Gabriel.

_'Listen to the music playing in your head'._

When the youngest Novak quietly entered the room he found his sister was also humming quietly. One of his Beatle albums, he smiled softly in the faint light as he silently approached his sister. Once more clearing his throat- he'd been told he was far too inaudible and stared far too long not to be creepy, quoting Naomi- and announcing dinner was ready. After dinner they spoke, honestly, and not entirely avoiding Castiel's mental ineptitude. He felt dreadful for having naively put so much pressure on his sister's shoulders these past few years. Castiel knew it hadn't been easy, what with all of their other siblings making so much progress in their work, and Anna somehow ending up taking over a role similar to a concierge.

"I'm sorry for snapping at you earlier, Castiel. It's just- I've been under a lot of stress, whereas I could rely on Naomi for help the past few months and sometimes Gabriel, I can't now. I know I can ask you, I just feel bad doing so- I know how important school is to you."

Castiel nodded, she didn't know, but there was no need to be rude and inform her so.

"However, I should've just told you- that would've saved a lot of time, and then this all could have just been avoided."

"That's okay, Anna. I'm sorry for not asking sooner."

He had screwed up, messed up his family. Again. But Anna seemed to be okay, so the least Castiel could do was pretend he was too. For whatever reason, Anna had appointed herself caretaker of everyone sometime within the past few years, and it had obviously been wearing her thin. Castiel made her promise to tell him if he was feeling too much stress, unfortunately leading Anna to have him make the same promise. It was more than probable he would not hold true to his end of the bargain, but it was a pleasant thought.

_'Tuesday afternoon is never ending'_

The second week of school was slightly different than the first, and yet still analogous. Castiel still overworked himself (according to Dean, who seemed worried at times), and didn't attend lunch. This went unknown by Dean, since Castiel had not told him they shared the same lunch period.

_'Wednesday morning papers didn't come'_

Still, things were better. Castiel began looking forward to his first class of the day, and homeroom, as well as his fifth hour of the day, study hall. Castiel was already such a hardworking student, and had been so involved in his studies neither had realized they shared a class, which both seniors found immensely amusing. _  
_

_'Thursday night you stockings needed mending'_

It was the first week of September, which meant Castiel's birthday was coming up. But Castiel didn't mention it; he didn't enjoy any of the extra attention it brought. Besides, he was happy enough at school already.

_'See how they run'_

Things were also looking up at home.

_'Lady Madonna, children at your feet'_

Anna and he had begun sharing housework, he spending a little less time double and triple checking his homework to assist his sister. Also, with all the work Gabriel had put in, it was about time he received a few days off. Which he did, and the three Novaks enjoyed them immensely together.

_'Wonder how you manage to make ends meet'_

 


	7. Birthday

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's Castiel's birthday and they're all gonna have a good time.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So this update took a little longer than I thought it would, but for the most parts my updates have been pretty regular so I'd like to think you guys are cool with it. Chapter thingy-When it goes to Castiel waking up, I would suggest starting this song loudly http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Hlw4B2Bj2og it makes it more fun to read :) Also, I recognize the girls singing in the background are weird, but just imagine Cas and Anna are louder. Enjoy!

Dean wet his lips, the September morning being surprisingly chilly, drying out his lips in the process. It was annoying really, here he was being a nice guy and going to school, and here the morning was trying to freeze him, not to mention his car. His car was freezing when he and Sam first got in, for crying out loud it was the middle of September!

"Hey, it is September 14th- despite being very early, winter is going to be here in a few months," Sam said from his spot at shotgun.

"Yeah, yeah, but couldn't they wait before getting chilly?"

"Dean, it's not that bad. Unexpected, but so it's a little cold- it's above 30, we've had worse. Besides, its 6:40 did you expect it to be warm?"

Dean frowned, "No, but if you weren't such a nerd we could head for school at 7:30 like normal people. Or 7:40- maybe 7:45 if we pushed our luck."

Sam rolled his eyes, "Heaven forbid you spend more time in a school than you absolutely need to."

Dean raised his eyebrows, "My point exactly!"

His brother only scoffed as Dean started the car, turning on Zeppelin in the process. Most car rides- scratch that, almost all car rides- we're spent blaring rock music, which definitely made a few heads turn as they rolled in. Dean didn't mind in fact sometimes he thought it made it better, but Sam didn't like receiving any extra attention- so for his sake Dean turned it down slightly as they turned in to the school's parking lot.

Dean frowned once the music was turned off, already missing the blaring rock. They both got out of the car and entered the school, Dean grumbling to himself about school. Sam ignored him, reaching his locker and pulling out some of his books.

Dean groaned, great, what was he supposed to do now? He was here an hour early for crying out loud! Stupid Sam- stupid, smart, Sam really- and his college level worrying!

Sam saw his displeased expression and sighed, "Why don't you go find Cas, Dean? You guys are friends, go find him. And play nice."

Dean turned around, grabbing Sam (thank god he still had two inches on the kid, height wise. Probably the same for down there if his constant whining was anything to go by) by the neck and messing up his hair with his hand, "Don't tell me what to do, Sasquatch!"

Dean released him and Sam attempted to fix his hair, glaring at him. "Sounds like you're just jealous, you jerk."

Dean scoffed, "Of what, you? Please… bitch."

Sam rolled his eyes, walking- more like skipping that weirdo, god how did he managed to be so excited for school- down the halls. Dean sighed, reveling in the annoyance of being left alone. Who was he supposed to talk to now? Sam was full of it; even Cas wouldn't be here this early in the-

"Hello, Dean."

Dean raised his eyebrows, "Cas, what are you doing here so early?"

"Working, and you?"

Dean groaned, "Sam wouldn't stop whining yesterday about some project so I drove him here so he could ask some questions, ugh, I can't believe I'm going to be at school an hour longer than necessary."

Castiel frowned, his brow furrowing, “If you didn't want to be here, why didn't you simply deny Sam's request?"

Dean rolled his eyes, "Cause Sam's a whiny bitch. 'Sides, he's got the brains and if he wants to use 'em I'm not going to deny him it."

Cas tilted his head, "You have brains, and Dean if you did not surely you could not be on the venue. It is a necessary organ."

He rolled his eyes once more, "You know what I mean."

Cas shook his head, "The only other conclusion is you are indicating you are not intelligent, and that is very mendacious of you to contend. So, again I say, you have a brain. Because we both know you're intelligent, correct?"

Dean sighed, "Fine, Cas. Yes, I have a brain."

Castiel stared at him.

He sighed once more, "And I'm intelligent."

Castiel nodded, "Now that we're speaking to each other truthfully, how are you?"

Dean frowned, "I'm up at 6am for no reason, other than that? Alright, not much is going on."

"Yes I had perceived that, and I am glad it is so. Because I have heard you have a test in one class."

Dean scoffed, "What are you, my mother?"

He frowned, "I should hope not. Besides, there is the obvious problem that I do not have two X-chromosomes."

Dean smiled, " _Obviously_."

Castiel looked behind Dean, noticing he still had his book bag slung over one shoulder. He frowned, his eyebrows furrowing in a way Dean noticed they did quite often. Dean nodded walking over to his locker, Castiel following him silently.

Dean turned around, frowning, "How did you know that anyway?"

"Meg was being quite a kvetch for the duration of yesterday's aurora, and I was informed of many cavils of hers. One of these including the quibbling and demur to a science test."

Dean gave him a strange look, raising his hands in the air, "Who even _are_ you?!"

Castiel tilted his head, confusion written over his face, "Pardon me?"

"How do you even know all those words? I know the way I speak, and I don't have a small vocabulary- but half the words you say don't even sound like they exist. Aurora, I got- but kvetch? Is that German or something? How is that even a word?" Dean asked incredulously.

Castiel frowned, utterly perplexed by the question. "N...no, it's not German. I do not typically articulate German in front of individuals who clearly do not reside in Germany nor speak German. It would not be proper of me to speak another language in front of you which you don't understand. I find that would be impolite and uncouth, and though I may have been accused of being undiplomatic in past sentimental misfortunes I have no need to be an exhibitionist. In fact I believe I have the exact opposite intentions of such a person."

Dean sighed, "Whatever you do know you're like a walking encyclopedia, right? I mean, I'm not that stupid I know what words you're using, and I can infer the ones I don't- but how do you remember all those man?"

Castiel shrugged, "in response to your previous communiqué, you are not unintelligent. And I've always used Brobdingnagian words."

Dean raised a hand, closing his locker and walking away, "That's it. I'm done."

Castiel frowned, striding after him, "What do you mean you're done?"

He turned around, laughing, "I'm just kidding Cas, and I’d only walked a little ways."

"You tell people your relationship with them is terminated and then walk away, leaving them feeling hopeless and alone? And that's humorous to you?"

Dean blinked, "Well, you make it sound bad. Again, I was just kidding, Cas."

He frowned, "oh."

"Hey, do you want to sit down somewhere? How about here?" Dean asked, sitting against the wall by his locker.

Cas looked down at him, and plopped to the ground. He began to open his notebook, and quickly pulled out a highlighter- swiftly flipping through the pages. Dean looked at him, and back to his folded hands.

"You should study," Cas said, never looking up.

"Aw, c'mon Cas, that's no fun. Would you help me?"

"Can't," he said, dismissing the request. "Need to study, quiz next hour."

"Aw, come on! Test trumps quiz!"

"No, Dean."

"Please?"

" _No_ Dean."

He sighed, "Fine."

Taking out his notes- which were copied from someone else when his teacher went around, but hey who was counting? Dean knew how to work the charm and he really hadn't cared anyways, but having his work had gotten his teacher off his back. Honestly, Dean had no idea why he was studying anyways.

In a few months he'd probably be gone, if not sooner. It really wasn't important, and readjusting to each new school for a limited time for a grade that wouldn't matter in a few weeks just wasn't worth it. Besides, he just wasn't smart, he had potential for stuff, sure. But Dean wasn't book smart, but hey street smart had to count for something.

Dean would simply help build cars, since that's what he was good at after all. It'd only makes sense besides if he stayed up late for things like school work he'd be tired, who would drive Sammy to school? Who would cook? Who would clean? Who would make money in the side?

Sure, his dad sent them pay checks- and it was enough most of the time, but sometimes his dad wouldn't be home for weeks, and two pay checks every week was far better than one. Not that Dean could really blame his dad; he had the greatest dad in the world. His dad was a hero, he took down the bad guys- put him behind bars, why pretend to be Batman when the greatest hero was down the hall?

_On occasion_.

  
When he _was_ home anyways- this really wasn’t that regular. Being a homicide detective wasn't exact easy, especially being as high up as John worked.

_"Where's dad?" Sam had asked, rubbing the sleep from his big brown eyes._

Honestly, they were too big for his six year old head.

_"Gone," Dean had said. "He'll be back in a few days, want breakfast?"_

_Sam had smiled, raising his eyebrows, "Do we have Cheerios?"_

_"Here," Dean had said with a sigh, giving Sam the last bowl of Cheerios, originally poured for him._

_Sam noticed this and said kindly, "Do you want the prize?"_

It had been like that since he was eight. It was a tough responsibility, taking care of a child- but if Dad could do it, and then so could Dean. Besides, this way he could help Dad take out criminals.

And all Dean ever wanted to do was be like his Dad.

Some people believed he took it too far, going after cases that weren't even his when he found new evidence instead of alerting the commissioner. But that was how John Winchester worked; he didn't listen to authority- even when he worked for the authorities. If he wasn't such a workaholic maybe he'd get in trouble for that, but John went out of state- traveled across the country for criminals, and he'd probably been given one free pass too many because of that.

It was also mentioned how odd it was that he didn't have a partner, his most regular being Bobby Singer. Bobby was an older man, and while John was a workaholic- Bobby was just a plan alcoholic. His wife was killed in a break in ten years earlier, and having no children he quickly set to work to bring her justice.

One might argue that there was no way Bobby could become a cop, let alone a homicide detective in so little time, but Rufus had proven them all wrong. Rufus had been the detective assigned to the late Mrs. Singer's case, and Bobby had done everything he could to help.

John found him looking over facts a few nights later, after which Bobby told the eldest Winchester he'd found something that didn't fit with the case. Most would have told Bobby to let the authorities handle it, but John wasn't most. And he knew how it felt to need to have justice for your late wife, his own wife having been killed in a fire by a gang.

Now they honestly hadn't meant for Mrs. Winchester to be killed, from what the police had gathered they had broken into Sam's room to steal from the family. One of them had a flame thrower, and Mary had tried to get it away from them- considering that she thought they were trying to kidnap her son, which they very well could have planned to, but most police doubted that. Mary and the men fought with the flamethrower, but of course the men were okay.

Sam was rescued.

Mary was not.

And it was because of that, John helped Bobby- he, Bobby, and Rufus worked cases on and off for a long time after that. Now it was more so just John and Bobby, Rufus slipping in and out of retirement randomly enough that he really should just stay with the police department.

That was Dean's life as well, slipping in and out of things before he could settle in. Schools, towns, homes, relationships, friendships.

And that, that was where Dean was unsure. He had no problem moving, he'd gotten used to it. And yet he felt guilty for not minding having to leave Cas, but they'd only each other for a few weeks- he had no reason to feel guilty.

Still, Dean felt that way nonetheless. The kid took life too seriously, always frowning with his stern blue eyes and studying like a college kid on steroids. He wanted to help Cas, wanted to show him the world wasn't all about test scores and quizzes.

More importantly, he just wanted to be his friend. He liked Castiel- he liked him and his messy hair and ugly trench coat, he liked Cas and his big words and his love of The Beatles. He was a cool guy, and Dean wanted to get to know more about him.

And if doing well on a test would get him that, then he might as well try.

*

September 18th, Castiel's birthday. This meant cake, and ice cream yes, and Gabriel would buy a bunch of candy and throw it in their big plastic bowls even though that was not a birthday food ("Come on Cassie! Its sugar how is it NOT fitting?"). Typically, Castiel treated this morning as he would any other, but as he heard guitars strumming he realized that would not be an option.

"They say it's your birthday! It's my birthday too, yeah!"

Castiel stirred in his bed, hearing the loud music. When he looked up Anna was standing in front of his bed, singing along to The Beatles.

"They say it's your birthday!"

Castiel grinned, joining in on the singing, "We're gonna have a good time!"

He hurried out of bed, enthusiasm that could only be provoked by The Beatles covering his face. Castiel pointed to Anna, quickly slipping in and out of his pants and into school clothes as he sung the next line.

"I'm glad it's your birthday!"

Anna laughed singing the next line back to him as he slipped on a shirt (thank goodness he showered at night), "Happy birthday to you!"

They both hurried down the stairs, singing as they ran. "Ah! Ah! Ah!"

She looked behind her, jumping off the step and waving him forward, still singing together.

"Come on! Come on!"

She grinned, picking up a large plate of assorted breakfast foods, handing it to him with a grin. Castiel continued to smile, he'd probably be sick later but he could enjoy some of it now for Anna's sake. His sister brought forth his book bag and trench coat with a grin while he was eating; he put the plate down and joined his sister in dancing around as they sung.

"Yes we're going to a party party!" She sung, opening the door and shutting off the kitchen's CD player.

He grinned, following her outside where he saw her turning on her car and the same song began right where they had left off (she really was quite clever, Castiel was quite impressed with her planning)and singing back, "Yes we're going to a party party!"

They sang the next line together, "Yes we're going to a party party!"

With a laugh the siblings climbed into the car, they continued to sing as Anna started the car. The guitar music continued to stream from the car as they both sung.

"I would like you to dance!"

Anna raised her eyebrows in a comical expression, showing jazz hands she shouted, "Birthday!"

Castiel shook his head, "Take a cha-cha-cha-chance!"

"Birthday!"

They pulled out of the driveway, the music blaring at a level Michael would yell at them for were he there. But Anna was different, besides, she had promised Castiel she would sing to him on his birthday. He had told her it wasn't necessary, but on Anna's birthday he often did this- and Anna said she was not to be out celebrated.

"I would like you to dance!"

"Birthday!"

"Dance yeah!"

"Oh! Come on!"

Castiel was so busy laughing and singing he didn't notice the impala next to them on the way to school.

"I would like you to dance!"

"Birthday!"

"Take a cha-cha-cha-chance!" Castiel sang, shaking his head once more.

Anna laughed, but kept her eyes on the road, glancing at her brother occasionally, "Birthday!"

"I would like you to dance!"

"Birthday!"

"Oh dance! Dance!"

Anna pulled into the school, but Castiel found he was having too much fun to ask his sister to quiet the music. She drove up to the drop off, the music still playing. This was attracting some attention, and perhaps Castiel would have cared if he had noticed, but he was too busy pointing and singing to his sister.

"They say it's your birthday!"

Anna shook her head, scrunching her face up as she sung, “Well it's my birthday too, yeah!"

"They say it's your birthday!"

"We're gonna have a good time!"

"I'm glad it's your birthday!" The car slowed for Castiel, as he unbuckled, never pausing in his singing.

The song finished with one final, "Happy birthday to you!"

Castiel laughed the car sitting in front of the school as the two siblings guffawed. Tears were streaming down his face, but Castiel didn't pause to wipe them, too busy laughing. When their laughter had subsided to the point where Castiel could breathe, he opened his door.

Anna grinned, as the guitars played out, "Happy birthday!"

Castiel grinned, waving as he stepped out of the car "Thank you Anna!"

Anna drove off as Castiel turned to the school, still grinning.

"So it is possible?" Dean said smugly, walking up to Castiel.

Castiel felt his grin wobble, and looked down at his coat buttons. He bit his lip, fighting off a smile Castiel folded his hands only to begin fiddling with his fingers.

"I haven't the slightest idea what you mean," Castiel said stubbornly.

Dean grinned, "Come on, admit it!"

Castiel looked up at that, brow furrowing, "Admit what?"

" _You_ were having _fun_ ," Dean said with a smug smile, pointing at him when he emphasized the beginning of his sentence.

Castiel frowned as they entered the school, his cheeks slightly heating, "I most certainly was not."

"Admit it man, you were having a grand old time!"

Castiel rolled his eyes, "No, I engaged in no such activities that would suggest otherwise."

"Right, because when I'm in a bad mood I always sing and laugh and smile."

"I was merely participating for Anna's benefit."

Dean laughed, and Castiel turned to look at him, "what?"

"You."

"What about me?" Castiel said, tilting his head slightly.

"You don't want to have any fun."

"That's not true; I simply wasn't having fun in that moment."

"No, you were embarrassed because you had fun!"

"Well, what my sister and I were doing was hardly something not to consider ignominious."

Dean rolled his eyes, "Yeah, because you seemed so embarrassed then. Man, I was pulling in right beside you, you were totally rocking out. And you didn't care. For the first time I've seen, you were being loud and ridiculous and you didn't care."

Castiel blushed softly, dragging his foot across the floor, "Perhaps I was having a somewhat enjoyable time."

Dean grinned, "So you can have fun."

"I never claimed I was not capable of having lighthearted pleasure."

Dean raised his eyebrows, smirking, "Oh? Only _lighthearted_ pleasure? You don't go hardcore?"

Castiel's eyes widened and he glared harshly at the teen, spitting out, "No," in a sharp tone.

Dean raised his hands in defense briefly, before looking at his friend nervously, “So... Um, I was wondering- since... today's your birthday- which you didn't tell me about by the way. Uh, did you want to do that?"

Castiel frowned, cocking his head, "Do what?"

Dean bit his lip, god he was a dumbass he was just pissing Cas off and confusing him, "Um, what you were doing with your sister. But like, in my car."

"You want to drive to school screaming The Beatles obnoxiously, after school?"

Dean raised his hands, shaking them along with his head, "N-no, like, just around."

Castiel paused, gathering his thoughts, "Do I want to... drive inconsequentially around with you... in your car and blare music? With no destination I presume? ...Is... Is that what you're asking me?"

Dean sighed, "Damn it man, do you want to hang out in my car after school? I gotta drop Sammy off at a friend's house anyways. Besides, we've been hanging out for like, four weeks now, and we haven't done anything outside of school. That, and it's your birthday, we gotta do something."

Castiel stared at Dean for a moment, the ever present frown still present on his face, "You... would like to....hang out...with me?"

Dean sighed once more; he raised his hand briefly, bringing them down on his response to in order to enunciate the word, "Yes."

"Oh, well... I see no reason as to why I would not be able to participate in these activities with you."

Dean grinned, "Cool. I gotta go to my locker; I'll meet you in class okay?"

Castiel nodded, "Yes."

Dean walked towards his locker, watching Castiel as he walked down the hallway. Dean was about to turn and enter his combination when he saw his friend jump in the air excitedly, his fists bouncing by his side, almost a mid-fist pump, as he turned the corner. Dean grinned, he was glad Cas was excited, and it was kind of cute to see.

Cas was always so serious; all Dean wanted was to make him happy.

*

 

"So, you don't need me to pick you up?" Anna asked.

"That will no longer be necessary," Castiel said through the phone.

"Oh, well okay. What time do you think you'll be home?"

"I'm not entirely sure yet, I suppose I'll call you when I am."

"Alright, that's fine. But Cas?"

"Yes?" He asked; his head turning as he looked for Dean in the hallways.

"Are you sure this is a good idea?"

Castiel bit his lip, "Yes," he lied. "I haven't been bad- and Dean's not a religious individual from what I have seen. I have no reason to feel uncomfortable in his presence."

Anna sighed, "Cas, I'm glad you are making friends, really I am. But are you 'sure' you're comfortable with this, I don't want you to feel pressured."

"Anna I will be fine," Castiel reassured.

"Okay," she said unsurely. "See you when you get home."

"Yes," Castiel said as he saw Dean approaching him, "Farewell, Anna."

He closed his phone and Dean walked the last steps towards him, his brother standing behind him. Castiel bit his lip, tightening his grip on his book bag. Dean grinned, finally, he was getting somewhere with this kid.

"So, you ready to go?"


	8. Kansas City

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dean and Castiel hang out- this consisting of discussing food qualifications, family, music, them eating burgers, and of course the occasional stalking of an old man.
> 
> Also, when Dean turns on the radio (the first song) here's the link so you can feel more a part of the story:)
> 
> http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KwvWtZl2ICY  
> And just imagine this song blaring for the moody confused old man:)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter's mainly song lyrics and talking, and I'm aware some of my tags haven't had a major role in the story yet but as previously said the story does have a slow build and I want to establish Dean and Castiel's friendship before I have them go through much together which is why most conflicts in the story have been internal and dealt with alone. Again, this chapter is mainly lyrics and talking- but I really wanted to make these last few chapters happy in exchange for what will come. I really enjoyed writing this chapter because it was 99% Cas and Dean and it was just a lot of fun. Feel free to ask questions, make suggestions, or say what you liked/disliked reviews are always appreciated.
> 
> Also, thank you to everyone who has been liking, commenting, and bookmarking my story- thank you!

"So, what exactly does this escapade entail?"

"Don't know Cas," Dean said, briefly taking his eyes off the road before returning his focus.

Castiel had found Dean took much enjoyment from driving, not only from his expressions at school when speaking of it- but now from his own personal experience. He did not consider himself very knowledgeable of cars, but he could understand why the teenager cherished the car so exceedingly. It was a 1967 Chevrolet impala he had been told- pridefully, if a little highfalutin at times.

However, so rarely did he witness Dean behaving complacent in any manner, that Cas found he was not bothered by Dean's ebullient informational speech of his car, despite being repetitive at times. It _was_ a nice car; it seemed to have a presence about it. The black vehicle had aged, but was still an intriguing piece of work to Castiel, especially after having seen the effect it had on the teenager.

"You are not the best planner Dean. Though I appreciate this, I am confused by it- what are your plans if I may ask?"

"Well, first you need to try something."

Castiel raised an eyebrow, "What?"

"Best burger I've found in this town that's what."

Castiel chuckled, "You do realize I've lived here my entire life, correct?"

"Well yeah, but I'm an expert."

Castiel shook his head scoffing at Dean's joking manner. It was a relaxing quality, and the teen seemed to have much of it- which was unorthodox enough to Castiel that he thought it endearing. That was simply Dean's way though, he was a relaxing male. He had a way of smiling at people and calming them, Castiel had seen it before.

When Sam had been worried about his upcoming test Dean had eased him out of his panic, convincing the younger Winchester it was alright for him to go enjoy himself for a few hours. Castiel had smiled at that, and wished his siblings could have that effect on him. He wished he would let them.

And yet, Dean had that effect. Cas wasn't sure how, but he did. There was this calming ease about him, even the music they were listening to was calming. Castiel didn't know it, but Dean said it was by a band known as 'Poison' and the guitars and soft voices- singing something about roses having thorns- was turned down low enough that it graced his ears, but he could still participate in this stupid conversation he was having with Dean, bless him.

"An expert, huh? What qualifications do you have Dean Winchester?" Castiel asked in a teasing tone.

Dean scoffed, "It's kinda my job to determine the best burgers of a city."

"Of course," Cas said in the same tone. "How do you have time to acquaint yourself with all these delicacies?"

He shrugged, "Eh, my family travels a lot. Somebody's gotta figure out who has the best sandwiches, guess that's somebody's gotta be me. Tough job Cas, but somebody's gotta do it."

"Condolences, that you must suffer so terribly."

Dean heard the complete seriousness in Cas' voice and was about to turn and tell him he was kidding, when he saw the smirk his friend was wearing. Dean scoffed, hitting him lightly, "Bitch."

Castiel merely said, “Hmph,” and spoke once more in a prestigious voice, "How rude."

Dean laughed, "Used to a different response, but that'll do."

"And what is that?"

"Eh, just something Sam and I do is all. I call him a bitch, he calls me a jerk."

Castiel nodded, "I see, my apologies I did not mean to intrude upon your traditions."

Dean shook his head, "Nah it's cool man, just saying that I'm used to what Sam says."

"Well, unless it has evaded your visionary skills I am not Sam, unfortunately." He said in a guying tone.

Dean nodded, "Yeah, I've gathered enough evidence. It was confusing at first though, gotta admit. Dark hair, glares, tad shorter than me, both smart asses- hey man, you were doing a pretty good job."

"I am not short, I am 6'0. I would not recommend mocking me Dean Winchester," Castiel spoke once more in his gravelly, serious voice, "Besides, I am not like Sam. I am far more beauteous and enticing than your brother."

Dean laughed heartily at that, "Of course."

"A proper response would be some other form of an expletive, but unfortunately for you that behavior is not condoned in my life."

"What, you're not allowed to swear? Damn, that sucks. You ever do it anyways?"

Castiel frowned, “No it's bad."

Dean laughed softly, "Ever rebel a little Cas, come on man even once? It’s not that bad being bad."

"Dean, I have to be good. Therefore I feel neither need nor desire to be a guerrilla; such an act would not be wise."

He shrugged, "Alright. Man, you make it sound like you're going against the mafia or something, do you mind if I ask- who all is in your family? Unless that's touchy or some shit, 'm just curious."

Castiel knew if he spoke too much of his family Dean would think him strange and not want to be his friend, but this was okay, it was not as if he had never spoken of his family before. Chuck and he still spoke when they saw the one another, and he was used to making conversation of uncomfortable subjects.

"Well, I have quite a prodigious family as you know, not even counting the mass number of cousins I have- though simply having a large family may appear facile it is actually quite difficult, the belief that they are distinguished compared to the rest of the citizens does not help."

Dean smiled, "See? Mafia."

"Yes, I am aware of your sentiment in conjecturing my family to be violent and omnipotent. However I would not consider that statement to be entirely false, Michael and Lucifer do seem to seem have a respectable position within their occupations- these are my eldest twin brothers, though they do not look alike."

Dean nodded, motioning for him to continue.

"My third brother is Gabriel; he is far easier to deal with- despite his antics. I believe you two would get along quite well actually-"

Dean grinned, "As in we are both devilishly handsome and witty?"

Castiel raised his eyebrows before speaking once more in his solemn way, "as in you are both devils and whiny."

Dean guffawed, "You sure showed me Cas!"

"Thank you. Unfortunately Gabriel is not often around; he is typically working at 'The Gods', a rather pretentious title for a business if you ask me. Therefore he, like Naomi, is usually out of the house."

Dean looked up from the steering wheel briefly, "Naomi? Sheesh how spaced out are these kids?"

"Well, she is another fraternal twin. Though she and Naomi appear more alike than Michael and Lucifer, though only vaguely- they both have red hair and similar proboscises, though not like an elephant's."

Dean shook his head, "You couldn't just say nose, could you?"

Castiel only briefly lifted his lips in response.

"That'd be too easy wouldn't it?"

Dean laughed at Castiel's pleased expression as he slowed the car down, explaining to Castiel he'd be back in a moment. The blue eyed teen nodded, watching Dean as he slipped out of the vehicle and approached the bar they parked in front of. Dean opened the door to The Roadhouse with a grin, walking up to the bar with a skip.

"My, my, my, someone's in a chipper mood this evening," Ellen said as she handed him two carefully wrapped packages.

"Nah, just Cas and I driving around, thanks for making an exception for me Ellen."

Jo popped out from the back, " _Aw_ , someone's got a _friend_!"

Dean responded with the bird, Ellen chastising him briefly before waving him off. He grinned and waved before leaving, thankful Ellen had allowed him to call and ask for food earlier. He knew this was not something she normally did, and he appreciated it immensely.

Dean plopped back into his seat, handing Cas a bag before closing the door. Castiel raised his eyebrows, but opened the bag nonetheless.

"Not that I don't appreciate food, but isn't it customary to eat inside the restaurant?"

"You've had too much customary," Dean said around is food, he swallowed before speaking again. "This is your act of abnormally."

"I should think otherwise, but if you say so."

"Okay, what have you done that's so abnormal Cas?"

Castiel took another bite of his burger before wiping his mouthing and responding, "Well, speaking with you is strange. You're practically the poster boy of abnormal."

Dean grinned, "You know, you're way more relaxed outside of school. You should breathe a little more often Cas, might do you some good."

"So I've been told. Now, if I may ask- what exactly do you suggest we do that is so strange?"

Dean shrugged, "I suppose we should do the most boss ass bitch thing we can do."

Castiel raised his eyebrows, "I'm not going to comment on the spontaneity of that phrase and simply ask, what?"

"Listen to music, it's perfect for rebellion."

"Oh? You must be fighting some rather tranquil rebellions then, if music is as abysmal as it gets."

Dean frowned, starting the car and backing out of the parking lot, "You saying my music's wimpy?"

Dean looked over at Castiel who only showed that small curve of his lip.

"No, merely stating that you are."

"Oh screw you Cas."

Castiel paused a moment, and then (for lack of a better comparison) almost shook himself, "I would prefer you not thank you."

Dean laughed, and turned on his music. As he began flipping through his Queen tape he noticed an older man in a blue exercising suit, biking by their car. Dean paused; grinning as he turned up his music.

Castiel frowned, "Dean, what are you doing?"

_"Bicycle bicycle bicycle_

_I want to ride my bicycle bicycle bicycle_

_I want to ride my bicycle_

_I want to ride my bike_

_I want to ride my bicycle_

_I want to ride it where I like"_

The impala approached the older man slowly, Queen playing softly (stupid Sam, making him turn his music down) and Dean gladly raised the volume. The old man teetered on the large blue bike, looking side to side- not having noticed the music was coming from behind him, damn age really did mess with your hearing.

"Dean, cease this," Cas said nervously.

"Relax, Cas. I'm just having fun with my music," he turned the volume up once more.

_"Jaws was never my scene_

_And I don't like Star Wars_

_You say Rolls I say Royce_

_You say God give me a choice"_

The white haired man turned, looking both ways for the obnoxiously loud music. The car inched slowly behind him, blaring 'Bicycle Race' as the old man teetered on his bicycle. Cas covered his mouth, laughing softly at the bewildered expression on his face.

_"You say Lord I say Christ_

_I don't believe in Peter Pan_

_Frankenstein or Superman"_

The car moved ever so slowly, staying right behind the biker and going completely off the original plans Dean had made, but who cares, this was too great an opportunity to let go. As the guy pedaled down the otherwise utterly silent road, Dean turned up the already blaring music.

_"All I wanna do is_

_Bicycle bicycle bicycle_

_I want to ride my bicycle bicycle bicycle_

_I want to ride my bicycle_

_I want to ride my bike"_

Castiel laughed, he and Dean joining in on the simple chorus. The dark haired boy's sides were shaking as he watched the obvious confusion of the older man as he continued to ride his bicycle.

_"Bicycle bicycle bicycle_

_I want to ride my bicycle bicycle bicycle_

_I want to ride my bicycle_

_I want to ride my bike"_

The older man heard their obnoxious singing and turned around, shaking his fist at them. Castiel laughed, clutching his sides as Dean returned the man's gesture with a shit eating grin, turning up his volume.

The man flipped them off and Castiel cried out in surprise he looked over at Dean, his eyes wide as he continued laughing.

_"I want to ride my bicycle_

_I want to ride it where I like"_

The song ended and the man glared darkly at them, Dean and Cas stared at him silently, no expression on their faces as he shook his fist before riding off, muttering something along the lines of 'fucking teenagers'.

It was silent.

Until Dean and Cas turned to each other, their mouths quivering before they burst into obnoxious laughter. Castiel wiped tears from his eyes, "Oh my! Oh my! Did- did you- did you see his- Dean Winchester, you are awful!" He laughed harder, "I can't believe you would terrorize that poor old man!"

"Poor old man?! Did you hear the language on that mouth?!"

Castiel laughed again, wiping his eyes, "Ha-ha, oh wow. I haven't laughed that hard in a very, very, _very_ long time.”

Castiel took a moment to collect himself before pointing Dean down the correct path as they continued to talk, leading back to his side of the city.

"Aw come on man, loud music is one of the best parts of having a car."

Dean turned on the radio, and music began to blare, "See, this is what I'm talking about."

_"HEAT OF THE MOMENT!"_

Dean quickly changed station, "Okay maybe not that."

_"Ah, Kansas City_

_Gonna get my baby back home"_

Dean frowned, realizing he didn't know the song turning down another street before reaching for the radio, "Oh, hold on let me turn this down."

"No wait!" Castiel shouted urgently.

Dean paused, his hand just above the button, "What? Don't tell me you know this song?"

_"Well, it's a long, long, time_

_Since my baby's been gone"_

Castiel nodded vigorously, "I am rather infatuated with this song."

_"Gonna get my baby on time_

_Yeah, yeah_

_It's just a one, two, three, four_

_Five, six, seven, eight, nine, wah"_

"This is what you listen to?" Dean asked, raising an eyebrow.

"Shut up," Castiel said quickly, dismissing conversation as he stared at the radio.

He stayed that way for a moment before smiling, bobbing his head lightly to what Dean assumed was The Beatles. Dean was not one for the band, preferring guitar solos and loud singing to soft, hippy music. The song played out, the guitar ending calmly.

Dean looked over at his friend, "Cas, if you like their playing so much why don't you ever listen to real rock and roll? More guitars and I’m sure you'd rather have that over the hippies 70's music- though that wasn't bad."

Castiel turned to him slowly, "What did you just say?"

"I mean, it's just a sugge-"

Castiel was fully focused on him now, "No, what did you say?"

Dean gulped, now unsure of himself, he cleared his throat and shook his head- he wasn't going to be scared off by some nerd who listened to hippie music, but his voice betrayed himself as he squeaked slightly, "I said The Beatles was hippy 70's music? And you could listen to real rock and roll? Which in my defense, was a friendly offer and should not be taken as an in-"

"No no no," Castiel said, cutting him off abruptly. "First of all, you have your decades wrong."

"The Beatles were not eminent for the seventies despite your incorrect presumption, just because they were around in the 70's and released Let It Be in the 70's does not mean that was when they began producing music."

"Oh," Dean said, surprised by Castiel's knowledge (but really, he should have expected that) and brief irritation (which appeared to be gone now), "Okay."

"The Beatles began in the 60's, as in _the swinging sixties_ not when everyone was creating _hippy music_ as you say."

Dean scoffed, "Yeah, but come on Cas, The Beatles were pot-"

"No," Cas cut him off once more. "So help me God, if you say The Beatles were potheads I might slap you. Not only is your opinion biased, it's hypocritical and incorrect- your bands sing about imbibing, copulation, pharmaceuticals, and all sorts of lovely themes such as those previously mentioned, therefore you're not indorsed to judge. Besides, The Beatles did not begin their career because of nor did they base it off of pot. In fact, they had never even tried pot until 1964 when it was offered to them by Bob Dylan."

"Yeah but-"

Cas shook his head, "Until August 28th, 1964 your argument could not even be held valid, if I were to consider it in the first place, the only idea they could recall from the previous night was Paul saying 'there are seven levels'. Because before that despite asking for a pencil they were far too intoxicated to find a pencil in order write down their theories. So no, they were not potheads. And you should be grateful for them," Cas said smugly, "if it wasn't for them; you probably wouldn't even have your 'real rock and roll' as you claim it to be."

Dean scoffed, "And how do you figured that?"

"Because rock and roll was done. Over. Gone. Elvis Presley had gone off to the war, as well as various other retired rock and roll legends. Thus, the world moved on. The Beatles made people want to play guitars again; The Beatles aroused rock and roll. Without them, who knows when rock and roll would have come back? If at all. They grabbed rock by the strings and pulled it back in."

Dean was quiet, and Castiel said, "I believe this is where appraisal for them would commence."

Dean nodded, "I'm impressed. Guess I do owe them something after all."

Castiel looked at the window, a pleased expression once more masking his typical frown as they pulled up to his home, "You're welcome."

Dean rolled his eyes, " _Thank you_ Cas."


	9. Beautiful Boy

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Crowley becomes more involved. 
> 
> WARNING: This chapter contains mentions of rape, bad father son relationships, and Crowley harshly insulting anything to do with/anything he BELIEVES to do with bad father son relationships.
> 
> The opinions stated by a Crowley are not my own, and are only written for plot necessity and because Crowley's a massive dick.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I'm sorry this update took at least a week and a half but I have just been so busy and this chapter took me so long to write. I appreciate all the support guys: comments, kudos, bookmarks, I see it all and I'd just like to say thank you:) Also, this chapter is a John Lennon song- I know, I cheated, but I really like this song and I feel that it applies to both Dean and Cas. So I had to use it. Tell me what you think!

October is always about change. Leaves falling, the air growing cool and crisp, life ready to be harvested from gardens, children running around...Talking about their _fucking candy_ -and Dean Winchester is really sick of it.

He's all about dressing up-and ignoring Jo's comments when he does-, he loves candy (but he always works it off, gotta stay in shape on the offhand but frighteningly not so offhand chance that's he kidnapped by some psycho- cons of his dad's job), and it's great and all.

But Cas doesn't celebrate Halloween. Doesn't carve pumpkins or go out for candy. Never went around his neighborhood after bedtime, never got dressed up in stupid shitty costumes. And if that isn't fucking disappointing (well, there are worst disappointments in life, Dean knows) he doesn't know what is.

It kind of pisses him off really, Dean never had the perfect childhood, and he never had the time for it. So whenever he finds out normal people have missed out on the opportunity it kind of irritates him, if you weren't being kidnapped by murderers then you had no excuse not to have a stereotypical childhood. You just had to.

And maybe Dean likes hearing about normal childhoods, so what?

So it upsets him when Dean mentions the holiday 'Halloween coming up, bar your doors Cas- and stock up on candy for the porch' and Castiel says he won't have that problem because his family doesn't celebrate Halloween.

"What, like, ever? That sucks man, how are you supposed to have an excuse to hoard candy?"

"Well," Castiel said as they entered the study hall. "Gabriel tries; he always tries, as my brother is quite fond of sweets. Unfortunately, Michael does not approve- nor Naomi. Lucifer enjoys it, he thinks it wonderful, but only so he can terrorize children."

"Well yeah, that's the best part."

"Not the way Lucifer celebrates, typically he would follow children around with crosses upside down and convince them the devil was out to get them."

Dean stopped, frowning as he sat down at the school's library, "Well...that's a tad unconventional, but everyone's a bit of an ass on Halloween, right?"

"I can concur with that statement; however, Lucifer often has the potential to become rather obsessive. He takes great joy in going against family wishes, and when his actions are questioned he remains ever imperturbable- frighteningly so. He is a very cold person."

Dean scooted his seat closer to Cas, "Not trying to get into business that isn't mine Cas, but you don't seem too fond of the guy."

"I'm not."

He nodded,"Family problems huh? Mhm, I understand."

Castiel frowned, pulling out his textbook; he really should be working, doing homework, looking over vocabulary, reading ahead in literature, he was being quite unproductive sitting here simply chatting with Dean. But Castiel liked Dean, besides; he would get to work when the bell went off.

"Lucifer is frightening, but the scariest part of him is that you would never believe me if you met him."

Dean frowned, "What d'you mean?"

"He does not wish to harm others, he does not try to cause misfortune to those who displease him- because he does not think their lives are worthy of his time. I do not speak often with Lucifer but he is... chilling, cold and uncaring."

"Geez man, I feel like I'm on some abc lifetime movie- that's some heavy family drama," Dean said, shaking his head as pulled out one of his notebooks (Castiel had hounded him enough that study hall was for work, so he'd decided to satisfy the cranky 18 year old- who behaved more like a grumpy old man- and do some work).

"I only described him because you asked," Castiel said in defense. "I have no interest in providing you with any 5th hour spectacle."

Dean laughs, "Just have to get my fill somewhere else then."

Castiel turns back to his work, attempting to be stern, but Dean notices the slight quirk of his lips. Not a smile. Cas doesn't do smiles.

Almost ever. However, it isn't as rare to see his relaxed/happy expression.

Dean's kind of categorized his friend's expressions, and he has to admit, it's amusing. The main, almost constant expression on Castiel's face is stern. A frown, and ever so slightly furrowed eyebrows, Dean thinks it's kind of strange that Cas so naturally furrows his eyebrows. Honestly, it doesn't even seem like he puts effort into it, it's just always there.

The second expression is confusion, and Dean hates to admit it, but it's pretty cute. This look is seen at least three times a day, minimum. He tilts his messy dark haired head, and his eyebrows furrow above his big blue eyes-but more than the usual expression and his frown deepens. He basically resembles a petulant child.

It's probably not considered normal that Dean categorizes his friend's expressions, but it's kind of fun to be able to note them when they appear on his face. Three months, three, and those are about the only emotions he's seen.

Of course, Castiel has laughed before- twice. And he has smiled, on occasion. But that's about it, which Dean found interesting- granted that Cas is all about work, work, work so by definition he's kind of a hard ass.

Dean considers this a tad annoying really; he wishes his friend would just relax once in a while. But whatever, he and Cas still have a good time together, and that's what's important. Another thing that puzzled Dean about this friendship, was how long it was looking to last. Dean wasn't gonna lie, it'd been three months, and he'd expected to have left by now. This was the longest he and Sam had ever stayed somewhere, and he wasn't sure if that was a good thing, or a bad thing.

Not that he didn't enjoy it here, he did. He liked being around Jo and Ellen and Ash- finally, a group of people he was familiar with. The school wasn't bad, Charlie was nice to him and he considered them to be somewhat friends. He knew he and Cas were friends, and he didn't have a problem with him.

It was just...odd.

Dean had never stayed in a city for any longer than a month. Of course, his dad had usually been home for the weekends so it wasn't as if he never saw him. Dean tried not to ask, he knew it wasn't any of his business what his father was doing.

He was to trust him, trust it was important, and trust he was right. Still, he was curious what his dad was so busy with. Nevertheless, it wasn't his job to ask- Dean's job was to watch out for Sammy, take care of his little brother.

So he did. Or… tried. It wasn't exactly easy to watch over a fourteen year old when you weren't smart enough to have a legitimate job. He took up shifts at the car repair as often as he could (considering that was one of the only things he knew how to do without screwing up) but he still had to make food, clean, watch Sam, and go to school.

Despite Dean's effort to take care of Sam, he knew Sam felt different, unhappy, out of place- though he tried to smile, telling Dean he wasn't upset. This was not because Sam couldn't deal with his emotions- unlike Dean he seemed to able to speak of them quite easily. Rather, he did not want to upset Dean when his older brother tried so hard to make him happy.

But, like with most things, Dean failed. He tried to spend time with him, he tried to provide for him, and he tried to keep him away from their dad- but it never seemed to be enough. How many times had Dean worked himself to exhaustion providing for his little brother?

How many times had his dad yelled at him when he lied and said Sam was sick?

_"You're supposed to watch him! Take care of him! What are you doing while I'm gone, Dean? This is what you're here for, your job, so do it," his dad had snapped the month prior._

_"I-I'm sorry, sir. He's just not feeling well, he's upstairs in bed and I don't think it'd be a good idea for you to speak with him right now," Dean said quietly, not trying to sound forceful._

_"Don't tell me what to do! I'm your father, boy! I know what's best for my kid! And you're supposed to be doing it!" John thundered._

_Dean nodded, trying to make himself smaller as he slowly shrunk away from his father._

_He gasped when John grabbed his chin roughly, "Look at me when I’m talking to you!" He sighed, "Son, I am trying to provide for this family, help me!"_

_Dean nodded weakly, not breaking eye contact despite the urge to look at the ground. He knew his dad often yelled, and looking at him might help Dean avoid that. He just had to calm him down keep him away from Sammy._

_Dean knew his father loved them, he did, and he knew he would never try to hurt Sam- he wouldn't abuse either of them. He was a great dad, he was just busy- busy saving people, and hunting things, that was his business. Dean couldn't hold that against him, even if it had resulted in Dean being... well, not the conventional kid._

_But this was different, Sam was different. Sam was smart, Sam had a future, potential. He didn't have to grow up learning how to shoot and distrust people. He didn't have to be kidnapped by murders for ransom; he didn't have to worry about being tortured by gang members. Not if Dean had anything to do with it._

_Sam would live a happy, normal, privileged childhood- or at least, as much of that as Dean could manage. Sam arguing late at night with their dad wouldn't lead to that. This tore Dean apart, it really did- was he doing the right thing, trying to keep Sam and his dad apart?_

_It wasn't like he lied to his dad, Sam was asleep- and he hadn't been feeling well, he'd been stressing about school. When wasn't he? Technically, this excuse could always work. The older Winchester felt bad for this, what was he doing? Trying to break his family apart? Maybe if Dean could take better care of Sam, make him happier, then he wouldn't be angry and fight with their dad._

_But since when was Dean good for anything?_

_"Dad, I want to help you- I'm sorry, I'll do better."_

_John frowned, "Dean, I expect more out of you. Sam is your responsibility, that's your job. Look after him, protect him, if I can't trust you to do that, what can I trust you to do?" Dean crumpled under the question, and John sighed, spitting out, "I'm a grown man, I know what I'm here for. Do you?!"_

Dean sighed softly, remembering he was supposed to be quiet. Study hall was an extremely boring class, not that it really was a class anyways. Still, it was probably helpful to nerds like Sammy and Cas.

The green eyed male looked over at his friend, even though Dean didn't have any use for study hall- he enjoyed the hour. Mainly he doodled, and thought of new ways to hide his ear buds so he could listen to Metallica- but in the beginning, before the bell rang, he and Cas talked.

The first few days Castiel was hesitant to speak, saying this was a library ("Dean, we're supposed to be quiet" "Psh, quiet is boring- I'm far too entertaining for anything short of obnoxious volume") and he had to be quiet whether the bell had rung or not. Slowly but surely, Dean managed to convince Castiel to whisper now and then. Three months later, Castiel had no qualms of speaking in study hall.

Occasionally he would pull himself from his studies to whisper something he considered humorous to the elder Winchester.

It made Dean happier than he was willing to admit.

Since hanging out with Cas, Dean had found he was more relaxed- the weight under Dean's shoulders was no longer breaking him, only crushing. At times he found he could forget about his life, and for once he didn't feel bad about it. Cas made school better, hell, he made _life_ better- and they only saw each other a few times a day.

Having Castiel in two classes, not counting homeroom, was a delight to him. He only wished he was smarter so he could be with his friend more often, not that he would tell Cas that. Surely his friend would think he was strange, and Dean didn't need that. Still, it was nice to have the classes he did with him.

Another reason Dean would not tell Castiel his desire to share more hours with him, is that if Dean insulted himself Cas would stare at him. Sometimes he'd glare at him and say he was wrong, but most times... he'd just stare. His friend would stop whatever he was doing and turn to look at Dean, looking at him until Dean began to feel awkward.

This usually led to Dean awkwardly saying he was just kidding, and after the staring didn't stop, such as last week-

_"Hopefully I didn't mess up your math homework when I looked at the old notes; I know I should have my own. It's just your in honors so I figured if I looked at some older notes of yours I might be able to make some sense of what I'm learning now. I don't mean to be the stupid friend who takes your homework cause they don't know how to pass a cla-"_

_Castiel whipped around the sentence dying on Dean's lip when he saw his raven haired friend looking at him with a strange mixture of confusion and intensity. Dean thought he would stop after Dean cleared his throat, but he didn't and the light haired boy found his cheeks heating up at the completely focused attention he was receiving from Cas._

_His friend refused to look away, only raising an eyebrow._

_Dean sighed, knowing what Cas wanted, "Okay, I'm smart Cas. Would you cut it out Dr.Phil?"_

_Castiel nodded, turning back around as they continued off to art, looking briefly back at him when speaking to Dean, “I appreciate the fact you consider me so encouraging you're calling me doctor, but my last name is Novak."_

_Dean groaned, "Ugh, never mind."_

Cas had merely shaken his head, having already learned and accepted that Dean Winchester made far too many references for him to ever understand. Castiel did not always remember the references Dean made, but when he did he would write them down in his notebook to be asked about later.

When later would be, he wasn't exactly sure, considering he had been over to Dean's house before and still never asked. Study hall did give him an extra opportunity, but he had homework to do- and Cas had a feeling if he asked Dean about one he would receive a very long answer.

At least, that was what happened when someone asked him about The Beatles. Regardless of Castiel's curiosity, he had taken up this study hall for that reason, to study- and he intended to do so. Despite Dean's tendency to speak while Castiel was working, it did not affect the joy he had felt when discovering he and Dean shared another class.

"Hey Cas?" Dean interrupted.

Castiel briefly looked up from his book before writing something in his paper, "Yes?"

Dean bit his lip, "Um, if you're not busy... could you help me study for something? I have a test in my history class tomorrow- but if you have a quiz, or- or a test or something... Then that's... I mean, that's- that's cool."

Cas looked at him, "Yes, I have some homework to finish."

Dean nodded, "Right. Okay."

Castiel frowned, "I didn't say I couldn't take a break."

Dean paused, "Wait, what?"

"Well, I'm almost finished. Surely I can spare ten minutes to assist you in your studies."

Dean raised his eyebrows, before nodding, deciding not to bother Castiel about his changed motives from in September, "Thanks."

He nodded, "Of course, you are quite welcome."

Dean was grateful, and proud, that Castiel was not worrying about his grades as much he had the previous month. It was nice to see the guy relax for once, of course Dean enjoyed Castiel's presence whatever mood he was in, but this was nice, talking to him. Castiel was quiet in study hall, even going unseen by Dean at first.

Since Dean and Cas had not yet properly met- properly being knocking into each other in the hallway- they did not notice the other in their study hall. In fact, Castiel was so quiet Dean had not noticed him the second day either, which he found outrageously humorous when he saw his friend on their third day of school.

In fact, as the bell rang Dean began teasing him once more about his sedulous studying. The two friends left the library, the chatter of other students following them as they both turned on another hallway, approaching their lockers for their second to last class.

"Geez, man," Dean said with a laugh, "When you study you _study_."

Castiel smirked, "As opposed to the studying where when I study, I _don't_ study."

Dean rolled his eyes, "Don't be an ass."

"Dean, while I appreciate you showing attention to my posterior, there is more to me than the dorsal side."

Dean laughed, shaking his head at Castiel's response. That was something else he had noticed, Cas seemed more comfortable around him- he didn't flinch as much anymore, his friend must have had some very bad social anxiety, because it would sometimes seem Cas would flinch at anything he would say. Unfortunately, it still happened- though Cas tried to not be so noticeable- but it did happened more often than Dean was pleased to admit.

*

Sixth hour had never been very entertaining to Castiel, not that he had anything against Spanish, and it was an interesting language to learn. Rather, his class was contaminated with obnoxious students. It did not help the class’s maturity, when the teacher announced she had to go off and make a few copies and to behave. Naturally, everyone broke out into dialogues even more odious than before.

The males in particular made some rather vulgar attempts at humor which Castiel did not find comical in the slightest.

It sounded like something Dean would say, though he wouldn't just raise his eyebrows as his classmates did- Dean usually smirked, but it was a kind smirk. Well, actually no, that wasn't possible- well, it was for Dean. Dean could make the same joke as his classmates and Castiel would not glare at him, or perhaps he would, but in a teasing manner.

This was another side of friendship Cas didn't understand, how could he be mean to someone in a nice way? It was quite a confusing objective to consider, but Castiel found he could complete the task- so he did not worry about it. Things with Dean were often that way, comfortable, fun, and easy.

Comfort was not something Castiel was used to, nor was he acquainted with easy relationships- and for this he was especially grateful for Dean. If only had enrolled in Spanish 3, then perhaps Castiel's classes would not be so tantalizing. Unfortunately, Dean had not, and Castiel was forced to endure the presence of the effervescent youth currently surrounding him.

The only tolerable person he would willingly converse with in this room was Meg who sat beside him on the right side of the long fold out table which he chose to inhabit. Unfortunately, if he had someone he enjoyed in a class- of course he had to have someone he despised as well.

"Ah, Castiel," Crowley sneered, "How are we today?"

Meg looked at the stout teenager before them, then back to Castiel. She was never sure of her position on this matter, was she sup posed to stick up for Castiel? Who always insisted he handle his own affairs? Or should she simply be quiet and appease to his request?

Despite her instincts to jump from her seat and yell at Crowley, she said nothing, settling for a dark glare Castiel would have been proud of had he been paying her and mind.

Castiel frowned, looking up from his work, "Well, this seminar is unfolding the same way as it always does Crowley. I am attempting to do my drudgery Spanish work and you continue your sustain attempts to antagonize and tyrannize me as the period progresses. As far as I know there has been no change in my day, as you are still insistent on continuing this pointless game of trying to intimidate me."

Crowley's friends all chuckled, Lilith covering her mouth as she attempted to hide her amusement. Crowley glared the dark haired boy- who was Castiel to think he was so important? Crowley looked down at the teenager, leaning in and resting his arms on the table, his face mere inches away from Castiel.

"You carry yourself pretty highly... for a holy whore," Crowley hissed.

Castiel smirked, ignoring his immense discomfort with the situation, "A whore? And yet I still won't have sex with you."

Crowley glared at him, continuing to ignore his person space, "Of course not. After all, what am I? A mere student," Crowley stopped moving now, leaning just above Castiel's ear, bending down and whispering ever so softly, "and we both know... you prefer being fucked by older and holier men than myself."

Castiel pushed him away, "Get away from me!"

Crowley stumbled back slightly, quickly regaining his poise as he smirked, adjusting his black overcoat calmly with his hands he looked back at his posse, "You see ladies and gentlemen, Castiel here is under the impression that he is better than us."

Castiel swallowed, attempting to keep the glare present on his face, "Crowley, I would not condone this."

"Excuse me as I forget to give a fuck about what you want. You try and be polite, you don't 'condone this' huh mate? As if this isn't your reputation on a platter. You see Castiel, you like to believe you're not dirty, not worthless- and you try so hard to make everyone else believe it too. The good Cas, the righteous Cas. And long as they still believe it, you get to believe it." Crowley smirked once more, noticing Castiel's slight tremor, "Well, I got news for you, kitten. A whore is a whore is a whore-"

Castiel jumped from his seat, slamming Crowley against the wall.

"Mr. Novak!" The teacher shouted as she came back into the room.

Crowley smirked at him as Castiel glared at him not uttering a word, "What's the matter kitten? Cat got your tongue?"

Castel pushed harder against the man's chest, "Leave me alone, Crowley. I'm still a Novak, and I will bury you."

"Probably should work on getting out of the hole you're digging for yourself first, shouldn't you darling?" Crowley said his face calm as he looked at the shaky teen before him.

_Close your eyes_

Castiel shook himself, shoving Crowley away and striding out of the class, ignoring his teacher calling him back. The only thing he focused on was the empty hall he could sit in.

_Have no fear_

Why couldn't Crowley just leave him alone? Of course, Crowley wouldn't have spoken of it- if it hadn't happened in the first place, and it wouldn't have happened.

_The monster's gone_

If Castiel had just been good.

But of course, Castiel wasn't good. Castiel was dirty, was wrong, he was bad. He was stupid to ever think Crowley would forget about what he knew, not talk about it. But of course, as always, Castiel was wrong.

That's why he was punished, that's why everything he had suffered through happened. It was all his fault, because he was bad- and if he wasn't so bad, his dad wouldn't have left.

_He's on the run and your daddy's here_

"If I wasn't such a fuck up," Castiel said, running his hand over his face.

_Beautiful, beautiful, beautiful_

He stood there, leaning against the dark red lockers for support. Cas frowned; he hoped Meg wouldn't come after him- or anyone else for that matter.

_Beautiful boy_

Castiel moved his shaking hand from his face, sitting down and crossing his arms over his folded knees. He placed his head against his knees, not crying, no. Never crying, Castiel didn't cry. Crying was bad.

_Beautiful, beautiful, beautiful_

Castiel would be good.

_Beautiful boy_

*

The nightmares came back after that.

_Before you go to sleep_

Not so much that they stopped, they never really stopped. They only came less often, and if he was lucky, they wouldn't always be as scary.

_Say a little prayer_

He prayed, he prayed so long and so hard. When Naomi came in the bedroom to call him down for dinner (some of his siblings were finally home) and saw that he was double checking homework she just scoffed, walking out.

_Every day in every way_

He screamed in his sleep apparently. Lucifer and Michael were not pleased, Gabriel just watched him with unsure eyes, trying to think of a way to lighten the situation.

_It's getting better and better_

Afterwards, Castiel felt ashamed for his emotions, and Naomi glaring at him from the doorway did not help, but Anna tried to. Castiel would wake up screaming, loud, terrified, blood curdling screams and she was always there, she would help him.

_Beautiful, beautiful, beautiful_

Because she had to help him.

_Beautiful boy_

Because he was a burden.

_Beautiful, beautiful, beautiful_

Because he wasn't good.

_Beautiful boy_

*

_Hands were fumbling along his robes, ripping them apart. Castiel gasped, and bit his lip, trying to be quiet. Trying to be good._

_The man's wrinkly hands rested on his skinny arms, making the little boy shiver. His face broke out into a smile, revealing his faded teeth, dangling from his pale, old, loose gums._

_The crackled dry lips pressed against his small ear, a soft, scary voice, a voice he could never forget whispering into his ear, “Have you been good?"_

_He shivered, trying not to cry. He was not to cry. Crying was bad. And he wanted to be good._

_The man sighed, pressing himself against the shuddering boy once more, "Castiel?"_

"Castiel?"

He shot up in bed, looking around in fear. Where was he? Was he safe? Was he home?

No. No he couldn't be home. He was here somewhere, somewhere the man was here. He knew he knew Castiel had been bad- somehow he always knew. And now he had found him again.

All because he couldn't be good. He needed to try harder, pray more- do, do something better. Anything, anything to be better. He would be good, not bad. He would be-

Wait.

Anna.

Anna was watching him cautiously from his bedside. Her brown eyes gazing at him with worry, her pink lips pulled down into a soft line of concern. He was home then.

Castiel saw the worry in his sister's eyes, the pain, all because of him. All his fault. All because he couldn't be good.

Why couldn't he ever be good?

Castiel looked at her, his fearful wet eyes attempting to become stern once more. His quivering lips pulled into a tight frown, as he spoke to reassure her. But his voice betrayed him as he shakily said, "Anna?"

"Oh, Castiel," she rushed over, enveloping her brother in a hug.

He flinched at the sudden contact, but didn't part with her. Castiel took a shaky breath, and his unsure arms tightened around her. Anna said nothing, only held her brother; Cas bit his lip, he shouldn't be hugging her- he didn't need this, he was fine. Yes, he was alright.

Castiel cleared his throat and made to pull away, "Anna, I'm- I'm okay."

She only shocked her head, loosening her grip but refusing to let go, "I'm not."

Castiel nodded, and okay, he was allowed to hug her. Because Anna wanted this, Anna needed this. Not him, he didn't need comfort- he was strong, he was going to be okay.

Anna nestled her head into her little brother's shoulder. When Castiel was a child- when this all first started, the timorous tones, the need to be good, the nightmares- he had been the one to bury his head in her shoulders. Of course, this act only lasted when he was much younger, and as he grew older, he grew colder too.

Anna knew Castiel needed this, and she knew he would never ask. And so she pretended, she would pretend to be scared for Cas, because she knew he needed this, and because a part of her wasn't scared for Cas. It was terrified.

*

"Ugh, I hate Tuesdays," Sam complained from beside Dean.

Dean rolled his eyes as the boys waked into their school, "I still don't get why Sam. Most people hate Mondays, what's so bad about Tuesdays?"

"What _isn't_ bad about Tuesdays?" Sam said incredulously.

Dean shrugged, stopping at Sam's locker as the boy took off his book bag, "If it makes you feel any better, tomorrow's the halfway maker. Woohoo tomorrow's Wednesday."

Sam paused from taking out his materials, turning to face Dean, "I hate Wednesdays."

Dean groaned, "Okay, I get it Ed Rooney, you hate school days, but I thought you liked school."

Sam frowned, turning to Dean, books in hand, "I don't hate school days, I just hate Tuesdays and Wednesdays. Wednesday comes and you think the awfulness of Tuesday is over, but it's not."

He shrugged, looking at the shorter boy, "Whatever. So, what about Thursdays? Or are those awful too?"

Sam raised his eyebrows ever so slightly, his big brown eyes staring back, "I mean, it's not like I have a set on opinion on every day of the week, but Thursday's okay."

"I have always perceived Thursday to be an intrinsic day of the week," Castiel said.

Dean turned around, "When did you get here?"

"I have been scrutinizing the newest chapter in my math studies as of late," he said, staring at Dean the way he so often did.

"It's pretty early Cas, how long have you been here?" Dean asked with the raise an eyebrow.

"I have been residing here since 6 this morning," Castiel said calmly, as if that wasn't way too much time spent at school.

"When did you get up, Castiel?" Sam asked curiously.

Dean frowned, "Hey, I was gonna ask."

Sam rolled his eyes, "Don't be jealous Dean, other people talk to Cas besides you."

Dean's frown deepened, "I don't get jealous! Anyways, what time did you get up?"

Sam scoffed at Dean's insistence to be the one to ask Castiel, but turned to the blue eyed teenager nonetheless. Castiel shrugged, "I believe 4:40, perhaps earlier."

"Dude, you know you've gotta sleep, right? For seven hours?" Dean said ignoring the hypocrisy in his statement.

"Yes, but I had to make sure the house was clean, and double check my homework, and pra- practice my vocab for a test."

Dean frowned, but nodded, "Alright, just think you're getting up a tad early is all."

Sam scoffed, "Dean, I thought you said you didn't do sappy coddling."

Dean slowly turned around to face Sam, a glare present in his face, "Sam I swear to god if you don't shut your damn mouth I'll kill you."

Sam rolled his eyes, "Alright, Dean. See you two later; I have to go ask my math teacher a question."

"Farewell, Sam," Castiel said, walking to his locker.

"See you later, bitch!" Dean called, following Castiel.

"Jerk!"

As the two boys continued speaking at Castiel's locker, someone approached them. Crowley. Castiel's tranquil expression easily slipped into a glare. Something Dean thought both strange and curious, Dean had never spoken with Crowley before, but from what Cas had said of him, he was kind of a douche.

Crowley smirked, looking over at Cas, "Hello, Castiel. You look a bit worse for wear today, everything alright?"

"Crowley, I have no time for your false benignity. What, do you want?" Castiel said in an icy tone.

Crowley faked a shiver, "Oooh, is it cold in here or is it just you? Look mate, I just wanted to speak with you."

"Something you're not able to say in front of your friends from yesterday?" Castiel said, his eyes focused on Crowley.

Castiel's thinking was that perhaps if he did not look over at Dean, Crowley would not either, and he would be left alone. However, Castiel's wishes so rarely come true, and of course, the English man looked over to Dean, who had still not said a word.

"Hello," Crowley drawled out. "I don't believe we've had the pleasure of meeting yet."

"No, we haven't had the _pleasure_ of meeting. Then again, I hear you're not that fun a guy to be around anyways," Dean said.

If there was a moment Castiel could pick to appreciate Dean Winchester, this would be it. Or perhaps when he said hi to him, or didn't mind when he only talked about the same band, or maybe it was when they followed that old man on the bike. Perhaps there were simply too many moments when Dean Winchester had enticed Castiel.

Anyways, however many moments there were, that had definitely been one of them.

_Before you cross the street_

Dean frowned, "Now, what've you got to say to Cas? Why don't you just go run off and collect your money from your deals with whores, or whatever admirable work you do."

_Take my hand_

Crowley smirked, "You learned about me? I'm touched. Well, this is embarrassing. Here you know all about me, and I know so little about you."

_Life is what happens to you_

"Then again, it's always the little things that matter, isn't it Dean?" he said with a frown. "Like your little brother, Sam- who I don't like. That's not a good thing for you Dean. You don't have that much family, and one of my personal acquaintances just happens to share a class with your little baby brother. Don't worry Ruby has no reason yet to become involved."

_While you're busy making other plans_

Dean scoffed, "Please, I'm not afraid of some slimy high school drug dealer."

Crowley chuckled, "Nicknames huh? Don't you know how to make a man feel special. The only problem with this is _I'm_ not afraid of some boy with daddy issues waiting to be hired as a stripper."

Dean stared back at him, "What did you just say to me?"

Crowley clicked his tongue, "My your lucky you have your looks. Just pointing out a few facts, you think I'm intimidated by you Dean Winchester? Please, you’re nothing more than a potential slut."

_Beautiful, beautiful, beautiful_

Dean chuckled, "Crowley, you're being a dumbass."

_Beautiful boy_

"Says the boy who can't get over the fact his daddy doesn't kiss him goodnight. Sorry but I'm not intimated by the slut I see every day, and today that slut is you. I know it's just you and your little brother, where's your daddy? Working? Again? Did he leave you Dean because he'd rather be with the dead than look into your eyes when he comes home.”?

"Crowley," Castiel growled, Dean having gone silent. Castiel did not want to attract attention to Dean and embarrass him, but if Crowley didn't stop speaking he felt he might just have to hurt Crowley.

_Beautiful, beautiful, beautiful_

"Oh, don't get upset, kitten. Not everything's about you, you know. I'm just talking with Dean about potential. But let's face it, you're not smart, you're pretty, and your daddy hates you. Why wouldn't you work with me? As if you could be successful on your own."

_Beautiful boy_

Dean said nothing, only glaring at him. Castiel glared at Crowley with a dark, frightening expression, struggling with the urge to hurt the teenager before them. Apparently Crowley took this as a sign to continue speaking; of course, he took everything as a sign to continue speaking because he loved he sound of his own voice.

_Before you go to sleep_

"What? Not good enough? Look, I'll even have you call them 'daddy', finally get some love from old John? What you always wanted, right? Because if it's attention you want mate, I'll let you spread your legs and I'll give you all the attention you dese-"

Castiel shoved Crowley against the locker, raising his stocky body higher against the lockers, "You do not speak to Dean Winchester in this manner!"

_Say a little prayer_

"Mr. Novak!" A teacher shouted.

Crowley smirked and went to open his mouth, but the fist Castiel brought forward to his face silenced him. Castiel glared, punching Crowley in the stomach- the shorter man attempted to keep his composure, but this wasn't easy after being practically thrown against hard metal and then punched twice.

_Every day in every way_

He lowered him down to the ground, "I'm only gonna say this once. If you touch a hair on their heads, I will tear it all down. Whatever arrangements you're trying to make, I will end them- and I will find you. I have brothers Crowley, and you _know_ these brothers."

_It's getting better and better_

He dropped the man to the floor, the bell ringing (thank goodness) which proved helpful as the teacher was still calling for Castiel. He looked over to Dean whose face appeared to be an old combination of anger, surprise, and pride.

"Geez, Cas, I didn't know you had it in you."

"I consider myself your guardian, when it comes to dealing with people such as him."

_Beautiful, beautiful, beautiful_

"Well, that's nice and all Cas, but its okay. I can take care of myself."

_Beautiful boy_

Castiel nodded, not sure Dean understood how awful Crowley was,"I understand that, I am also capable of taking care of you, Dean. and if I see someone hurting you-"

_Darling, darling, darling_

" _Please_ , let me."

_Darling Dean_


	10. She's Got The Devil In Her Heart

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> WARNING: In this chapter there are mentions of rape, sadness, and Naomi being an all around awful person.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you to everyone who's been leaving comments, kudos, and bookmarks- you all rock!
> 
> This chapter is dedicated to DestielSwingsMyHeartAcrossTheLine she has some really great fics I would recommend reading, and she's been especially helpful to me:)

Meg tried to console him.

_She's got the devil in her heart_

But Castiel was inconsolable, and did not wish to speak with her. He knew Meg had not interfered because of her beliefs on his own wishes, and had only meant to appease Castiel- and he appreciated that, but he simply wasn't ready to speak with her regarding this matter.

_But her eyes they tantalize_

Five years ago, when Castiel was dumber and more hopeful than he was now, he and Meg had inaugurated some form of physical relationship. Never sex, of course not, that was bad and Castiel would not have had sex if it had been right anyways. He couldn't, and Meg never asked why.

_She's gonna tear your heart apart_

In fact, she had never asked to have sex period- Meg understood without ever asking, that this was something Castiel was unsure of(and scared of, but he would never tell her that) and never asked to have copulation. The two had only ever invested in kissing, something the 18 year old never had to worry about being afraid of unless it lead to more.

_Oh her lips they really thrill me_

Kissing alone was fine with him, as long as it was not too rough. The man had never kissed him, which Castiel was immensely grateful for.

Who would have known after being raped by a man, you could still be thankful to him?

_I'll take my chances_

Kissing Meg was okay, kissing was fine. As long as no one ever found out- as long as neither ever told anyone. The man had never kissed Castiel's lips, because why would he want to dirty his lips with something so bad?

_For romance is_

"Clarence?" Meg said, pulling him from his thoughts.

_So important to me_

"Yes, Meg?" He said tiredly.

_She'll never hurt me_

Her shiny dark brown eyes looked at him cautiously, and she bit her dark, bottom lip, "Did you want to....?"

_She won't desert me_

"No."

_She's an angel sent to me_

She nodded, "Okay."

_She's got the devil in her heart_

One would think if Castiel was early to school he would walk to see Dean, and he had fully intended to but Meg had ran into him first. He felt it only fair to slightly explain the situation with Crowley yesterday, though he told her nothing of what Crowley had said to Dean. Only that he had, and he stuck to that answer.

_No, no, this I can't believe_

It was not that Castiel did not trust Meg, in fact the only negative feelings he had towards her was that she would leave him. One day, Castiel feared he would lose one of the few friends he had left, or betray him to Crowley, after all, they ran in similar circles. He knew this was ridiculous, and that Meg and he were acquaintances at the very least- therefore he had no need to worry.

_She's gonna tear your heart apart_

When the two were younger, Meg had developed a crush on Lucifer, and Castiel had been worried he would lose her. However, his brother had quickly begun nicknaming her 'my child', and Castiel did not let the two see each other if he could help it. Lucifer stared at Meg, and Meg would speak of doing anything for him. Castiel knew Lucifer and his obsessions, and he refused her to see him.

_No, no nay will she deceive_

Anyways, Castiel did not tell Meg simply because he knew it was not important for her to know the insults Crowley had thrown at Dean, it was none of her business. It wasn't even his business really, Cas only heard it because he was there. This meant Dean had not told Castiel but he was not offended in the slightest, he understood the feeling to hide your family's business away from others.

His own family was a nightmare and he had intense relationships with almost all of them, many he did not wish to think about. Gabriel and Anna were really the only siblings he enjoyed being associated with. His cousins were slightly different, luckily some of his cousins were more open minded.

Castiel and Samandriel always interacted considerably well, as well as Castiel and Muriel, this had always been an interesting change of dynamics for Castiel- to be older than members of his family. Though he did have cousins his own age he enjoyed to be around. These were Balthazar and Uriel- there was also Rachel (Balthazar's twin sister) but Cas' relationship with her mostly consisted of watching Balthazar tease her.

Ezekiel, Samandriel's older brother, was one of the few older family members he didn't mind. He was nice to them all, but not as shy as his younger brother. Ezekiel was more like his father, Castiel's uncle Jimmy.

Jimmy was relaxed, and funny, and he looked very much like Castiel. It was often said Castiel resembled him than more than he had his father, and Cas found he was never offended by the comparison, as it would enrage some of his other siblings. Jimmy had Castiel's jaw structure, blue eyes, and messy dark hair.

He was somewhat of a contrast to his wife, Aunt Hael. Both had dark hair and blue eyes, but Hael's was long and straight where Jimmy's was short and messy. There was also the fact that Hael was not a very kind person, at times when he was younger, she had frightened Castiel with her eerily calm manner.

Aunt Hael, Uncle Jimmy, Ezekiel, and Samandriel were a small family, and they were far easier to deal with than his own immediate family, so Castiel often preferred to socialize with them were he forced to deal with his family. The only others he preferred was Balthazar and his family.

Aunt Hester and Uncle Inias were nice enough, and they had three nice children. The twins, Balthazar and Rachel, and their youngest daughter Muriel. They were a nice family, Hester the blonde mother was a tad strict at times but she meant well. Inias was dark haired, and also strict, but his children evened this out.

Unlike Castiel's immediate family, you could tell they were all related. The sibling’s parents had light hair and dark hair, therefore all of their children had settled between dark blonde and light brown hair.

Then there was his Aunt Raph and Uncle Andrew. Uncle Andrew was quiet and did not speak often to them, always being kind but never overstepping his boundaries. Castiel liked him. They had two children, their eldest Raphael, who Castiel did not enjoy, and their youngest son Uriel. Uriel and he were friends, and they had often been in school together, working together on many school projects and such, so Uriel occasionally had come over to their house and spent time with Cas.

Last but not least was his uncle Zachariah. He had no children, and no wife- but he had plenty of Jesus to go around, often giving them bibles as presents and telling them to 'find Jesus'. This was ridiculous, because Castiel and his siblings had made it very clear they were religious people, but apparently that was not enough.

But then again, in his family, nothing was ever enough.

*

Dean sighed, tapping Sam's shoulder, "Rise and shine, Sammy!"

Sam only groaned, running a hand over his face, "Most people would just say to wake up."

Dean rolled his eyes, standing up from his little brother's bed, "Now where's the fun in that?"

Sam's eloquent response, followed by a groan, was, "Jerk."

Dean laughed, "Bitch. Come on, we have a beautiful car waiting to escort us to school."

Sam hurried in the bathroom, thankful he had showered at night as he quickly brushed his teeth and ran a brush through his hair. He shook his hair, his brown bangs lying sloppily against his head. He hurried down the stairs to meet Dean, who only laughed.

"What?"

"Nothing, you just look like a baby pop star before they go douche." Dean raised his eyebrows, “Unless.. That’s the look you were going for."

Sam rolled his eyes, "Let's go."

"Jess would love it!"

The only response Dean received from his little brother was a condescending glare, aka the bitch face. He followed his little brother to the car, sliding into the seat and turning the music up. Sam winced from his seat, covering his ears, Dean sighed and turned the music down.

"You have the ears of a wimp."

"That's not true, “Sam argued. “I have to listen to obnoxious volumes all the time. After all, I have to hear you sing along don't I?"

Dean frowned, and Sam only grinned, laughing at having silenced his older brother. The two were quiet then, the only sound being Metallica playing. Dean breathed in deep; it was always nice to have this time to just drive.

After yesterday, Dean felt he needed something calming. He hadn't told Sam, but he had remembered Crowley's threat. He hated to think he was even beginning to take Crowley seriously when he'd dealt with men so evil you'd think they were demons in human bodies, but he was. He was thinking about what Crowley said, because dammit Sam wasn't going to be messed with by some douchey English teenager and his little gang.

Despite the threats, that wasn't even what worried Dean the most. He was more concerned about Cas. The dude had totally flipped out on Crowley, and he'd be lying if he said he wasn't scared he'd get in trouble.

It was an incredibly strange occurrence, because in all the time Dean had known Castiel he has never been violent. Stubborn? Yes. Snarky? At times, yeah. So he had expected Cas to be threatening and tell Crowley off, but what he hadn't expected was for him to go Superman and shove the guy against the lockers.

Cas hadn't really given him the time to ask, nor had he shown any signs that he was going to explain- and dammit Dean wanted to know what had made him do that. He appreciated someone doing that for him, but why would Cas defend him? He wasn't worth anything, and everything Crowley had said was either true or in a range of future possibilities.

Still, whether he deserved it or not- and he knew he didn't- it felt nice to have someone on his side. Someone who cared about him and defended him. He'd forgotten what it was like.

Dean wouldn't allow Sam to defend him; it wasn't an irregular occurrence to see their father yelling at Dean, but Dean wouldn't have Sam sticking his neck out for him, he tried to keep Sam and his dad apart if he could help it. Despite his efforts, the two still argued constantly about almost everything. School, moving, friends, John's job, Sam's future job. It was a nightmare, and sometimes Dean thought he was the only who found it scary.

Bank robbers with guns? Fine. Murderers? Okay. Gang members? Alright. Mafia? He'd make it work. But dealing with his family? Now that was scary. He couldn't stand seeing his family argue, it was always angry and hard to forget. But Dean always watched out for them, and Dean always worried about them.

As hard as their fighting was, he was never sure how to react when Sam and his dad were civil with each other. Perhaps Dean had simply grown so accustomed to death and violence he was only ever fazed by kindness. Now that, that was scary.

Dean pulled the car into their parking spot, the engine easing into a slow purr before being cut off. He opened his door and followed Sam to the school, looking for Cas as Sam opened the high school's door. He was not disappointed as he saw the familiar trench coat clad figure, his messy black hair poking out of the coat.

"Cas!" Dean called down the hallway, cupping his hands around his mouth.

The boy stopped going through his locker, his arms pulling out of the locker sharply. Castiel's body tensed, and he slowly turned around to see Dean. The green eyed teenager strode down the hall, leaving Sam at his locker as he approached his friend with questions.

Castiel shrunk away from his younger friend, something that made Dean stop in his tracks.

"Cas?" He said confusion present in his face and voice.

Castiel clutched his books tighter, "Hello."

Suddenly, the hundreds of questions that had rested on Dean's tongue were swallowed. He frowned, approaching Castiel, who stepped back. Dean's face fell then, hurt and concern in his eyes.

He raised his arms, "Hey I... I didn't mean any harm. I uh- um... Cas are you...are you alright?"

"Fine," Cas responded gruffly.

Dean looked at his friend once more and saw the light circles under his eyes. Saw the crumpled state of his normally crisp, clean, white, dress shirt. Dean bit his lip, unsure of what to do with Castiel's new attitude. He had hoped Castiel had gotten over his cold ways, and he was unsure as to why Cas had shrunk away from him.

If either of them should have been scared, shouldn't it have been Dean of Cas?

Dean frowned, "You sure you're alright?"

"I did not have an enjoyable furlough from school I suppose."

He nodded, "Naomi’s being annoying?"

The stiff blank expression on Castiel's face softened for a moment and he shook his head, some of the tension seemingly having vanished from him, "Naomi did not pique me, no. Rest assured I was not vexed by my sister, I simply did not sleep well."

Dean nodded, understanding whatever had happened Cas obviously didn't want to talk about, “Oh, I thought something bad had happened."

Cas' face softened for a moment and he shook his head softly before looking back at Dean, "No, nothing bad happened."

"But... you know if something bad did happen, you could tell me Cas. You know that right?"

He nodded, "I am well aware of the status of our relationship."

Dean rubbed his neck, trying to ignore the word 'relationship'. He knew Cas meant their relationship to each other, and not that they themselves were in a relationship. Still, it was an interesting thing to say, he and Cas, Cas and him- oh god, what was he? A twelve year old with a crush?

Not that he had a crush! Friends categorize and list their friend's emotions all the time, and all friends go out to get food with each other, and what friendship didn't have talks about Metallica vs. The Beatles for hours? Not a friendship Dean wanted to be in!

"Yeah, well good to know you're doing well," Dean grinned obnoxiously, ever, ever so softly (and sticking his hand out first so Cas could see) bumping Cas' shoulder with fist, "Friend."

For a moment Dean could've sworn he saw Cas blush, before the older boy turned back to him, a sideways fake as all get out smile on his face, "Friend."

Dean leaned against his friend's locker, "So Cas, I was wondering... Could you help me study for a test? You know the big one I was talking about yesterday in study hall?"

"No, Dean." Castiel said, sitting down and opening a book.

Dean's face fell, remembering how the other day Cas had been more than willing to put his studies aside and help. What had happened over night that could have been so bad? Dean cleared his throat before nodding at Castiel.

"Oh, well uh, okay. I guess I'll just-"

Castiel looked up sadly, "I am sorry, Dean." He stood up, knowing being around his friend would only make things worse. "But I can't help you."

*

Charlie sighed, the teacher boring on about the same thing. She rested her face against her pale hand, red hair catching in her fingers. It seemed to enjoy doing that, tangling itself up and being impossible.

She sighed, she really should just cut it- but then again she really liked her curly red hair. She scoffed to herself and thought to herself mockingly, 'Oh the troubles of my life.' Wow, she was entertaining herself with thoughts in her hair- gosh, this was boring. Where was Dean?

The only good thing about this class was Dean, anyways. Was he really going to abandon her here?! In the boredom?! With the boring students?! And the boring teacher?! Alone?! Oh no, Charlie wasn't having it. If she was going to suffer, Dean Winchester had better be suffering beside her!

The bell rang, and Charlie sighed- it was these kinds of unpredictable people you had to look out for. People who said they were your friends, said they would fight beside you. It was unreliable people like this who turned to the dark side!

At that moment, Dean decided to waltz his lazy, and late, butt into the class and Charlie shook her head mockingly at him. Who could stay mad at that guy? She knew she couldn-

Oh.

Dean was frowning, his usual charm all but gone from his face. His hands were shoved into his pockets and he was looking down at the floor as he trudged his way to the back of the classroom besides Charlie, where he fell into his chair and slouched. The teenager looked at the carpet, his eyes having softened at the edges as he bit his lip.

"Dean?"

He turned to her, raising his eyebrows perkily, "Yo."

She raised her eyebrows, "Dean, we don't say yo."

He shrugged, "Well, I'd like to start a tradition."

She grinned, then faking sadness and surprise said," But... nobody ever gives, mean old Mr. Warlock a...a toy."

Dean laughed, even though he could barely remember which Christmas movie that was from, only that it was. John hadn't ever celebrated Christmas very much with them, but Bobby had put in a film or two for them when John dropped them off.

"Ah, Charlie."

She smiled, and then turned in her chair to face him, raising her eyebrows, "So, what's troubling ya kid?"

Dean frowned, raising his own eyebrows, "Did you just call me kid?"

She shrugged.

"You do realize I'm older than you, right?"

Charlie shrugged once more, "Only by a little."

He frowned, "Dude, you're a junior- I'm a senior. So, like it or not," Dean said with a smirk, "I'm older than you."

The redhead rolled her eyes, "Okay, enough avoiding the question, Dean. What's up?"

He sighed, irritated, "Nothing."

Charlie looked down at her desk, deciding not to tell Dean he was full of crap. Maybe she was younger than him, but she wasn't stupid. Besides it wasn't her fault about her age. As McCoy would say, what's so damned troublesome about not having died?

She looked over at her moody friend, Dean was usually this way- but not to this extent. Charlie knew he generally had reason to be this way, but she wouldn't allow it. Dean was her friend, and she wasn't allowed to sit by and watch him be moody, so this is why she turned to her friend once more as he attempted to write something before. becoming annoyed, snapping the pencil at its incompetence.

"Do you want to tell me what’s bothering you or would you like to break some more furniture?" Charlie asked, raising her eyebrows.

He frowned, holding up the broken writing utensil, "This is a pencil."

She shrugged, "Yeah, but you were being impossible- and it was an excuse to quote Star Trek. Now, Dean, come on- what's bothering you?"

He sighed, running his hand over his face, "I just- it's stupid really, I'm being such a girl-"

She raised her eyebrows, "What's wrong with that?"

He frowned, "Huh? Oh I- oh." He rushed to fix his mistake, "Oh I'm sorry Charlie, I didn't mean-"

"What you meant, was that you were being overly emotional- or showing emotion at all, which, for whatever reason you think is bad. That's not something only women do, that's something humans do." She frowned, "You're being human; don't blame my gender for it."

He sighed, "Okay, okay, I'm sorry. I'm being such a human, can I go on now?"

She bit her lip, cocking her head, "I suppose, assuming my point's been learned."

He nodded, "it has. Anyways, since I'm being such a human, I'm just kinda pissed cause Cas’ being weird again."

"What's he doing?"

"Ugh, this is ridiculous that I'm saying any of this. But... I don't know, he's just being... him, I guess. Which is great! I like him. He's just... sometimes he gets like this, he'll distance himself from me. He’s barely talked to me since he went all The Incredible Hulk on Crowley. That was two days ago, guy won’t talk to me, and I don't know why. Maybe it's cause I'm too much if a bother to be friends with, I don't know."

"I mean, he's taking college classes and I'm in concepts. I've asked him for help on stuff so I can do better; show him I'm not so dumb after all. And sometimes he helps, and it's awesome- but other times he gets really antsy and flips out and goes all Cameron Frye on me and won't allow himself to have any fun and he'll worry about his family and won't tell me why. And I'm not stupid, I know Cas' name, and his siblings and I can guess his family is probably religious without him telling me."

"But today he did that, kind of backed away from me and left. He’s closing in on himself again, Charlie. He was like that all the time when we first met, and he’s going back to it. He’s being quieter and he’s always stressed beyond belief about homework, honestly, I don't care if he helps me with homework; it's not that I care about him based on if he helps cause I don’t-"

Dean sighed, "I'm just worried about him. Y'know?"

She raised her eyebrows, "Did you just make a reference to Ferries Bueller's Day Off?"

He pulled back, his eyebrows furrowing as he frowned (like Castiel, he thought wistfully). "Is that really what you got out of all that?"

"Well...no. I also got that you're trying to make yourself better for Cas."

Dean's frown deepened as he sputtered, "Wha-what? I never said that!"

Charlie raised her eyebrows, "Dean, you know of all the people to defend yourself in front of, I'm the least of your worries."

"I know, I just...this is stupid. All of this, what you're suggesting, its not- I'm not- that's ridiculous. You know I'm not opposed to that, but- but I'm not."

"Of course."

He frowned, "I'm not!"

Charlie frowned, "Dean, I- I know."

"Oh, well I thought you weren't being ser- never mind."

*

Friday was no different than Thursday, or Wednesday, or Tuesday had been. Castiel didn't speak with Dean, Meg tried to help Cas- and little by little Cas was hurting Dean more and more.

And he hated it.

Castiel hated not being with Dean, he hated that he had started having nightmares again- and he hated, hated that he couldn't stop worrying about being bad for five seconds. The man was ruining it, he was ruining everything again.

And he wasn't even here.

He'd always had that sick power. Able to manipulate Castiel without even being there, but then again, there were always people he could ask. Someone who could tell the man about how Castiel Novak was behaving.

After all, who would question a man as respectable as him?

"Hey Cas?" Said the younger Winchester.

Castiel looked up from his spot on the floor, resting against the lockers as he studied, "Yes, Sam?"

"Um, I was wondering... Did you want to come have lunch with us? You don't have to if you don't want to, and I understand if you don't. But Dean's been kind of... different today. I know you have a quiz you're working on, but I'd really appreciate it."

Castiel sighed; he really did want to be with Dean. He missed him; he missed his hearty laugh and his understanding smiles. He missed his jokes and his kind, green eyes- he missed everything about Dean.

He wished they could talk to each other again. Castiel wished he wasn't such a bad person, so he wouldn't have to worry about contaminating Dean with his bad.

And he wished more than anything he wasn't as terrified of failure as he was.

Castiel looked up sadly, "Sam, I am sorry. But I cannot, I cannot afford to not do well on this quiz."

The younger boy nodded, "And I understand that, wanting to do well in school, Cas. But aren't you hungry? Can't you take a break for a few minutes? Please?"

Castiel looked up, "I don't _want_ to do well, I _need_ to do well Sam. You don't understand."

Sam sighed, "You know, you're the first friend he's had in a long time."

Castiel looked down, "I don't understand why he would want me as his friend, I'm bad."

Sam sighed, looking sad as well, "I just- he misses you, we miss you."

"I assure you, my presence is not one that should be missed."

Sam shook his head, "Yeah, well, good luck convincing him of that."

Knowing there was nothing more he could say to convince Castiel, Sam walked away, heading down the halls to lunch. Castiel sat at the lockers, studying, trying to be good, always trying to be good- but was this right? Hurting his friends in order to please his betters?

Castiel sighed; he didn't know what was right anymore. But he did know one thing.

He was a terrible friend.

And he did not deserve Dean Winchester.

*

"Ugh," the door opened with a shudder, "Children are impossible."

His looked up, greeting her other sibling with a warm smile. Anna was comforting in that way, she was always reassuring people and offering commiseration.

She shrugged, "Gabriel's not _that_ bad."

Castiel smiled softly at that.

"I just-" Naomi sighed as she ran her hands over her face, resting her elbows on the kitchen counter. “How I'm supposed to manage a bunch of fifth graders for two months is beyond me."

Castiel shook his head, making sure Naomi could not see. He had never understood the blue eyed twin; if children caused her so much anxiety, why did she work with them? Of course, this was only temporary, as the fifth graders true teacher was on maternity league. Filling in for her would show Naomi's patience and loyalty to the school- so he did understand Naomi's decision from a business perspective.

However, Naomi tended to her work far too similar as she would a business. Children were not to be treated as another number at the end of a check, he said this because money wise Naomi very well with the school. However, some people, especially Naomi, were not meant to deal with children.

Nevertheless, Naomi wanted to be a principal- which Castiel was sure she would do well in, frightening children, using her power against someone smaller than her, demanding results. She'd be perfect. Unfortunately for her, she had to gain experience with children first.

Honestly, Castiel felt bad for the children. School was a nightmare- a never ending competition to see what student could be carded off into what intellectual group, to then be judged from that standing the rest of their education. It was an entire year of nerves, anxiety, and socializing all cruelly crammed into one building.

"It's only the first day, Naomi; it can't be that bad."

"I beg to differ," Naomi and Castiel said in union.

Naomi's face momentarily lit up with realization, and she turned around to face her brother, "Ah, Castiel. You, I could ask."

_She's got the devil in her heart_

Castiel looked up, pausing in highlighting his notes; he bit his lip- not enjoying the attention Naomi was directing towards him.

_No, no, this I can't believe_

He spoke quietly, uneasy with his sister's newfound interest in him, "Ask...ask what?"

_She's gonna tear your heart apart_

"Well, when you were in fifth grade- nine or ten I beli-"

_No, no nay she will deceive_

"I know at what age children are in fifth grade," Castiel said softly.

Ten and nine years old was not an age he could easily forget.

He looked at his hands, one clasped tightly around the other. Castiel had never been particularly fond of conversing with Naomi. Quite frankly, she frightened him. His sister made him uncomfortable, the air of condescension and disgust she used when speaking with him was hurtful and obvious.

"Yes, well at nine-"

"What is your question?" Castiel said, anxious to end the conversation as quickly as it had begun.

"Castiel," Naomi said sharply. "Don't interrupt."

He heard the warning in her voice and felt his unease only grow, his stomach churning as the conversation went on. Anna looked at him unsurely and he felt even more disappointed with himself than he had with Naomi. How could he be so rude? He was being bad, he needed to be quiet, he needed to be good.

He nodded weakly, looking at her with regret and worry, "I-I'm sorry."

_I can't believe that she'll ever ever go_

"Naomi," Anna said softly,

_Not when she hugs and says she loves me so_

"What? I'm just asking a simple question, no need to be so hostile."

_She'll never hurt me_

Naomi had always been one to dismiss Anna's request, why Castiel was never quite sure of. This feeling was also shared by Michael, they did not show her the disrespect they showed Castiel, no one deserved that- but there was an unspoken level of tension between the two and Anna, tension he had never understood.

_She won't desert me_

Castiel took a shaky deep breath, "I am prepared to answer your questions."

_Listen can't you see_

"Well, I was just wondering- how did the children in your class interact with you?"

'I tried to push them all away,' Castiel thought. He shouldn't have worried because Naomi didn't give him the time to answer anyways.

_She'll never hurt me_

"Oh, no, this won't be useful at all. Times have changed, but may I ask you one more question Castiel?"

_She won't desert me_

Despite the tightening of his chest, he nodded, after this she had to leave him alone, right? Then he could go back to studying for his quiz. She rested her hand on his shoulder, and he visibly flinched. Her cold, tight grip unnerving him. She looked down at him, the frightening calm masking her face in a way he found eerily reminded him of Lucifer.

_She's an angel sent to me_

Anna walked over, speaking harshly, “Naomi."

Oh no, now Anna was angry. He'd caused problems for her. He'd upset her, oh god he'd upset Anna! Anna was the only one here he could count on, Gabriel was too busy with work- Anna was always there. Now he'd ruined everything.

"Why do you have to work so hard, Castiel? It's just a quiz and with your paranoia of constantly screwing everything up- which I could understand for you- any homework you have would be finished by now."

_She's got the devil in her heart_

Castiel didn't think he could continue this. Naomi was staring at him, she was waiting for an answer. She was waiting, she was waiting. Why couldn't he answer? Why couldn't he be normal?!

_Oh, no, no, no, no this I can't believe_

"Naomi, stop," Anna said anger in her eyes.

_She's gonna tear your heart apart_

Castiel closed his eyes, his breathing becoming uneven, okay, it was okay- no it wasn't okay! He was lying! He was lying to himself again! He was causing problems for Anna! Naomi stared down at him, she knew what he was. What he'd always been, pathetic.

_No, no nay will she deceive_

"God what is _wrong_ with you? They're just papers," she said, grabbing his study guide roughly.

Castiel shot out of his seat, "NO! Please don't!"

Oh god, oh god he was begging again. He was begging. His throat began to close up, no- no he needed air! He tried to breathe, calm himself, but the effort just made it worse. His ribs began to tighten, his stomach rising and dropping, the air going down too fast.

She looked at him in disgust; the papers crumpling in her hands- oh no she'd rip them! He attempted to take it, but his hands were trembling too hard. She looked at one piece of the paper, and then she looked at him sadly.

Anna stepped closer to Naomi, standing directly in front of her face, "Naomi! Stop! _Now_."

Castiel felt his heart racing, no. No they were going to fight- they were going to fight and it was his entire fault! The air in his lungs was jumping around as if there was a hand inside him. It felt like something was twisting his insides, his throat was thick and full, his brain was pounding inside his skull.

" _Please_ ," he whispered, his eyes watering. "Please, I'll get in trouble."

The words out of him mouth, oh god, he choked on them after they escaped his tight throat.

Naomi raised her eyebrows, "Castiel, it's just a few pieces of paper."

He shook his head frantically, his ragged breaths making him shake. Oxygen was roughly leaving and entering his body, each breath of air like a knife being plunged into his ribs. He needed those papers back! He needed them!

_She's got the devil in her heart_

She ripped it in front of him; "You really should get out more."

Castiel watched as the split paper fell to the ground, "Wha-what did you just do?"

_No she's an angel sent to me_

What would he do now? What would he do _now_?! It was gone, it was all gone. How would he know- how would he know what to do?!

His ribs were pushing against his stomach; he thought he was going to puke. Castiel's throat was still just as full, his tongue was swelling in his throat, and everything was hurting. His hands still shaking; he could feel his knees knocking together.

_She's got the devil in her heart_

Castiel ran to the bathroom, his lungs were burning- the only thing he was filled with was acid and pain. He was choking on his own vomit. He threw himself over the toilet, praying he made it.

He wretched into the bowl, acid burning his throat as he choked on foul water and the food in his stomach. Now he would get in trouble. Now he would pay.

_No she's an angel sent to me_

With that thought Castiel was sick again.


	11. A Day In The Life

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> WARNING: Explicit rape scene! If you wish to not read the rape scene, SKIP THE SECOND LONG ITALICIZED FLASHBACK!
> 
> Also warnings for: Castiel sadness, Dean sadness, guilt, and insecurities.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I'm going to try and make this short because it's almost 2 in the morning and I'm really tired, the only editing I have done at all in this chapter is italicize a few words, flashbacks, and the song lyrics. I'll come back and fix this later.
> 
> This chapter is dedicated to deanstrenchcoatangel - thank you so much for all of your kind messages!
> 
> http://archiveofourown.org/users/deanstrenchcoatangel/pseuds/deanstrenchcoatangel
> 
> Also, thank you to anyone else who has left kudos,bookmarks, or reviews, ect. Thank you!

Dean didn't like to think of himself as a needy guy.

In fact, he made sure was never the needy guy- in any relationship. Whether that be friendships, girlfriends, male.... acquaintances. He wasn't the needy kind of guy, he was aloof, and didn't have to worry about growing too attached to anybody.

So when Cas wasn't in school on Monday and Dean was worried, he had to remind himself to calm down. It wasn't that Dean nervous or anything, it's just he hadn't spoken with Cas since Tuesday, and that had really only been long enough to see Cas looking upset and walk away.

_I read the news today oh, boy_

_About a lucky man who made the grade_

_And though the news was rather sad_

Dean had been worried about the guy, someone as nice as Cas didn't deserve to get crap from Crowley. Another thing about Cas, Dean still wasn't sure why Crowley had even targeted Cas in the first place. With Cas' quiet demeanor and apparent lack of confidence in himself, he figured the kid was just shy and didn't think much of himself- or maybe that Crowley bullied him. Sometimes Dean was worried Cas would do something to stop this, he knew Cas wasn't that bad, but Dean had seen too much death not to worry about that possibility.

_Well, I just had to laugh_

_I saw the photograph_

_He blew his mind out in a car_

_He didn't notice that the lights had changed_

Still, those didn't feel quite right- the way Cas talked about Lucifer, and the obvious discomfort about his personal life. Well, Dean was worried something was going on Cas hadn't told him about. But that couldn't be right, could it?

No, that couldn't be it.

_A crowd of people stood and stared_

_They'd seen his face before_

_Nobody was really sure if he was from the house of lords_

Whatever was going on with Cas though, Dean had to help him. He'd tried calling his friend numerous times, but that hadn't worked. He wanted to drive up and see if he was okay, but Dean was worried that would freak Cas out. Besides, he wasn't that worried- he was just fine without Cas, he could wait him out.

But the thing is, Dean did know how to wait for a person to come back to him. He knew how to stay up the late hours worrying his father was hurt when John ran off without a warning for days, he knew how to make it so he wouldn't grow attached to people and therefore wouldn't miss them when he had to leave. But Dean didn't want to do that.

Dean just wanted Cas back.

*

_The church was quiet as Castiel hurried to put the cross back in its holder for the Wednesday mass. Sunday's noon mass had always been the boy's favorite, because sometimes his family would go out to have breakfast together. Unfortunately, this wasn't in the cards today- because Michael had work, but Castiel still had to serve so the preacher had offered to take him home._

_The Novaks were average churchgoers, and were close with many who attended the church. Many of Castiel's cousins also attended this church, so he enjoyed being able to sit with them and see what toys Balthazar had brought in, then he, Balthazar, and Muriel would play with whatever action figures had been brought in._

_Rachel was no fun- according to Balthazar- so they had to hide from her so she would not see and make a big deal out of the playing. Castiel felt bad for not sharing, so he always brought something for Rachel to play with. This way, she would not be bored but would still not know they were playing. Rachel always thanked him and smiled, and it always made the little boy smile back with a 'you're very welcome' added as well._

_"Castiel," the preacher called to him._

_Castiel turned around, his big blue eyes shining as he looked at the kind man, this was followed by a smile from the young boy. He had always liked their preacher, he was an older man- taller, kind face, wrinkles surrounding his nice brown eyes as he smiled at the young boy._

_"Yes father?"_

_"Come here, boy," the preacher said, waving him over to the back of the room._

_"Bye father!" One of the readers called out as the door closed from down the hall._

_"Goodbye!" The father called out, he looked down at Castiel and repeated softly, "Goodbye."_

Castiel shot up in bed, his face drenched in cold sweat. He took a shaky breath and realized his arms were shaking violently at his sides. Anna stirred from Lucifer's bed (he was absent again, likely working downtown as he so often was). Castiel looked at the clock, it read 'Sunday, 1:30 AM'.

He sighed, running a hand over his sweaty face, ignoring the tremor of it as it ran down his wet head. This was getting ridiculous, he needed to sleep- he was far too old to be having nightmares. Shame overrode him as he thought of his younger nightmares, when he had woken up to a wet bed.

He still felt ashamed- what eleven year old wet the bed? By thirteen he had adjusted to the nightmares, but for the first two years for some nightmares he had woken up to a warm, sticky, wet bed and had burst into tears at the fact that no matter how hard he was trying, he just couldn't be good. Only bad boys wet the bed, and that thought had often sent him into further hysterics.

Naomi had always been there to make fun of him, and he had never felt so ashamed in front of her before, whereas Michael just sighed and looked at him. Lucifer had only chuckled under his breath, little Castiel just couldn't grow up could he?

If they'd only known he'd been forced to grow up faster than any of them.

"Castiel?" Castiel whipped his head around, expecting to see Anna.

He was surprised to see Gabriel looking back at him in the blackness. Castiel sighed of relief, if either other brother had been woken up by him he would have never heard the end of it. Castiel shook his head slightly, looking over at his older brother.

"Yes, Gabriel?"

"Ya alright?"

Castiel nodded, lying back against his bed, "I am functioning, yes."

"Well that's great and all that you're functioning, but I'm not asking about a machine- I'm asking about you. Which, hey if you don't want to tell me that's cool, but, y'know I've got work- so if you're gonna lie and let me think I'll be able to sleep, could you at least do a better job of it?"

Castiel chuckled, relaxing, "You must know I have trouble lying to you, Gabriel."

Castiel could faintly see him flipping his golden locks in the darkness, "Everyone falters under my beauty, Castiel- don't beat yourself up for not being able to resist the charm."

"Yes, well, as charming as you are- I can feel the amount of cockiness radiating from you, it's keeping me up actually."

Gabriel whistled, "Someone's been practicing."

Castiel bit his lip, "I'm sorry! Did I upset you?"

Gabriel scoffed, "Please, Cassie. It'd take more than a little sibling rivalry to buff up this armor, lucky for you I'm covered in a thick layering of muscle."

Castiel chuckled, "Well, that's reassuring to hear, if a little ridiculous. My apologies Gabriel, I believe I have made a... friend. He is quite a jokester, and I have had to adjust to making retorts."

"But not...a trickster, right?"

Castiel scoffed, "No, rest assured. That title remains yours."

Gabriel made a sound of approval, "Hm, then I guess I've got no problem with the guy. What's his name? He cute?"

Castiel frowned, "His name is Dean, and why would his appearance matter?"

Gabriel shrugged, "Maybe I'm just curious."

"You'd really be willing to leave your and Kali's.... relationship, for a seventeen year old?"

Gabriel whistled once more, "Seventeen huh? Don't you think it's a bit soon in your life to be going for the younger ones? Cradle robber."

"Why does everyone associate me with cradle robbers? Besides, I would never do such a thing- do you know how wrong that is? I am not wrong. Besides, I'm only a few months older than him."

"You mean a year?"

"Well if he had been born a month earlier than we'd be the same year. It's not my fault, Gabriel- and why are you assuming I am pursuing him in a relationship?"

"I didn't say anything about you two being in a relationship,"Gabriel said smugly.

"....oh. Well, it sounded like you had. And to answer your question, he is a handsome man- er, teenager. He has tan skin, dark green eyes, and full lips, and very sharp bone structure. Also, he's taller than me."

"Well, doesn't he just sound scrumptious- nice detail about the full lips, why'd ya notice that, huh Cassie?" Gabriel said with a smirk. "Also, how tall is this guy then?"

"He has grown a little over the past few months, I believe he is 6'1 now- wait a minute, what are you trying to suggest? I am not infatuated with Dean Winchester."

"Kay, little bro. Much as I'd like to stay up and talk about your model friend, I really do have work tomorrow. G'night, Cassie."

"Goodnight, Gabriel."

With that, Castiel closed his eyes once more- waiting for the inedible nightmares to come back after he eventually drifted back into his restless sleep. Hopefully this time he would not awake Gabriel. If he was honest, he was quite scared to fall asleep, but perhaps now that he had spoken with one of his siblings he would sleep better.

The weight of his nightmares scared him, and left him to think about them in the darkness. Perhaps if he was a good person he would deserve to wake one of his siblings to speak with. But he was bad, and therefore should have to face the nightmares alone. His only hope was that speaking with Gabriel would calm his subconscious.

He pulled the covers up, praying God thought him worthy to listen to- and if he did, that he would not let him have another nightmare. He sighed, snuggling under the blankets.

Castiel scoffed, him having feelings for Dean.

Honestly.

*  
"Seriously?" Dean said with a frown, looking across the silver lunch table, "No one's talked to Cas?"

Sam scoffed, "Dean, you act like I'm his age."

"Yeah, sorry, older guys are cool and all, but I don't talk to Castiel,"Jess said.

Charlie shrugged, "Hey, the guy and I only have Honors Computer Science together, and it's not like he knows me."

"Same. Sides Dean, I thought you two were buddy buddy," Ash said with a frown.

"Yeah," Jo chimed in. "What're ya looking at us for?"

"Hey, this is not a 'let's turn on Dean meeting'," Dean said with a frown.

"Oh yeah, forgot those were moved to Tuesdays," Jo said with a nod.

Dean knew he was probably being annoying- in response Sam had told him numerous times "it's okay to be worried about your friends Dean". Please, he wasn't worried. He was just... concerned, yes, and that made it sound ten times less sad and desperate. Ugh, no it didn't, he was a wimp.

But Dean was worried about Cas, hell, part of him was actually scared. He knew it was stupid, but with the anniversary coming up, well, he was concerned about his friend- Dean was terrified another friend of his would be hurt. He really shouldn't be affected by this, after all, he'd seen more people die than he could count- and that's not counting the original murder victims.

Dean had watched too many friends die, so he had stopped trying a long time ago. What was the point of ever forming any bonds in this world if everyone you ever cared about left you? If they all died?

Of course, Dean didn't say any of this. Didn't mention a mom or his friends or anybody, because these were his friends- and just because they were in a circle did not make this group therapy. No, he would be just fine without talking about it.

Dean rolled his eyes, turning to Sam, "I hate my friends."

"Hey," Ash said brightly, "You know what you'd be great for then? The 'let's turn on Dean' club. Bunch of people there don't like him, now you'd know you're not the only one who hates their friends."

Dean sighed, and took a bite of his sandwich, "You guys are fucking idiots."

"I'm sorry but I am not having sex with you, so I will not be fucking any idiots," Charlie said, "besides if I was to have sex with anyone, we all know it would not be a dude."

"Yeah, yeah, we're not here to talk about Dorothy. Seriously though guys, what am I gonna do?"

Sam sighed, "Dean, first of all, maybe you shouldn't be so worked up. Cas likes his space, so maybe you should give him some."

"Obviously calling him's not working, maybe you should just wait for him to approach you," Jess added. "I mean, you don't like talking about emotional crap- who knows, maybe Cas is the same way. Just give him some time."

"You know it's sad that the younger ones are being more helpful than you guys," Dean said with a frown, turning to the rest of the group.

Jess scoffed, "We help out, and in response we're insulted!"

"Yeah, well, anyways.. I just- I want to be able to reach Cas," Dean said softly. "I'm worried about the guy."

"O-okay Dean," Sam said cautiously, "we will."

"Yeah, sorry to bug you guys with this," Dean said with a laugh that Sam knew to be forced. "You probably really don't wanna hear about my stupid new friend drama."

'Nobody does,' he thought.

He heard his father's voice echoing in his head, 'Because nobody cares Dean,'

He stood up to dump his plate in the garbage, "be right back," he said to the table of friends.

Charlie frowned, "Is he okay?"

"Anniversary," Sam said.

"Oh, of-of what, if I may ask?"

For a second Sam was worried about what Jess would think, but he dismissed the thought as quickly as it had come, "mom. November's on it's way."

'After that it's Ronald, Victor, Eleanor, Adam... Kevin, Gwen, Benny, and Ava,' Sam thought morbidly.

He could go on, he could on for hours- there were so many to add, but Sam thought only of the ones in the upcoming months. Besides, he would be able to tell from Dean's emotions when a death was coming up, because Dean remembered.

Dean always remembered.

*

_"Now, Castiel," the preacher said softly. "Come here."_

_Castiel was startled for a moment by the utter calm in his voice, but ignored the worry. He was being ridiculous, this was church. Nothing would hurt him in church._

_Least of all the preacher._

_The preacher looked at Castiel, something in his eyes Castiel had never seen before. Want. He looked at the little boy, his eyes trailing his small, fragile, body. The preacher smiled, "You're a tiny thing, aren't you my boy?"_

_Castiel smiled, "I'm not that small father."_

_"Oh I'm sure I'm bigger."_

_The boy frowned, "well yes, you're all grown up- and I'm ten. Not that I'm not a big boy. I am. Just.. not yet."_

_"Yes, I know Castiel. Now..." He grinned, "now you are small, helpless, breakable. You know Castiel," the preacher said, walking up to the boy. "I've been waiting for this for a long time."_

_Castiel bit his lip as the preacher placed his hands on the cuffs of his dress shirt, uncomfortable with the new exchange between he and his preacher, "F-for what?"_

_"Why... to fuck you, of course," the preacher said calmly._

_Castiel backed up, and fell onto the red carpet, looking up at the father in terror. His breathing began to pick up, "Wha-what no. Y-y-y-you-you're taking me ho-home. I-I wanna go home." He looked up at the preacher fear in his big blue eyes, "I wanna go home."_

_"Castiel, sinners have to stay after for confession. That's what bad people have to do," he said, unbuttoning the boy's shirt._

_"B-b-but I'm not bad," Castiel said fearfully. "I just wanna go home."_

_The man ripped off his shirt and Castiel gasped, "Now, Castiel do you really think I would do to this to you if you weren't bad?"_

_It all was happening so fast, Castiel whimpered as he was harshly shoved to the ground, the older man climbing on top of the quivering body._

_He slipped the boy's black pants off, ignoring Castiel's trembles. The preacher's smile turned into a grin, he'd planned so well, it had taken so long- and now it was finally time, all the waiting had paid off. He could feel the boy shaking as he undressed him, attempting to silence the occasional whimper that escaped his mouth._

_Castiel didn't exactly understand what was going on, but from the way the preacher spoke to him, and looked at him- it wasn't good. And whatever it was, he wanted it to stop._

_The preacher smiled, exposing his old, yellowing teeth. Castiel now laid before the preacher in nothing but his underwear, no one in the church but he and the preacher. When the preacher undid his pants Castiel felt the tears pricking his eyes but tried to stay calm. Maybe if he wasn't entertaining he would be left alone._

_He felt so ashamed and scared without any clothes on. And he was terrified of the danger that was now the man in front of him._

_"Oh, Castiel, my angel. Don't be shy," the man said softly, laying the boy down on the carpet._

_Castiel whimpered as the man sat on top of him, "Please," he whimpered, and then shakily said, "I-I just wanna go ho-ome."_

_The man knelt down, his dry, cracked lips resting on Castiel's small ear as he whispered into it, "You shouldn't have been bad."_

_That was when Castiel tried to push the man off, shouting out, "No! No I wanna go home! Let me go home!"_

_Had he been older, he would have expected the swift backhand. Castiel's small head snapped to the side with a cry as the preacher slapped him._

_The man glared down at the down boy, "You are a bad, unholy, sinner- you should be grateful a servant of The Lord would busy himself with something as disgusting as you!"_

_Castiel's body shook beneath the man as he cried. He tried to quiet his sobs as the man undid Castiel's pants, but it was hard to cover his mouth when his hands were being held down. The preacher brought himself up to the small boy's ear whispering to him, "Don't cry, angel. Think of this as repentance."_

_Castiel sobbed against the man's chest as the priest covered Castiel with his body, he smirked as he felt Castiel trembling against him. Castiel wanted to go home, he wanted Anna, he wanted Gabriel. The little boy continued to shake and cry as the man smirked, towering over him as he continued to undress the traumatized little boy._

_He was terrified of being hit by the man who had welcomed into the church, who had given him communion, who had smiled at him when he was early to church, he was terrified of the man he had grown besides, so he tried to be quiet. The preacher slid off his pants, and Castiel felt his legs shaking as the man became naked. The boy tried to bring his legs together, but the man simply snapped his legs open, ignoring the cries as he slipped he and the boy's underwear off._

_The man pulled out his thick, wet cock, smirking up at the boy as he did so, Castiel felt himself shaking- felt his legs shaking as he tried to draw them closer._

_That was when Castiel knew true fear._

_He shook his head when the preacher lined himself up with Castiel, he tried to pull himself away from the man- knowing his attempts were futile as the man lowered himself onto Castiel._

_He slammed into Castiel, not easing into it or using any lube to ease the boy's pain. groaning at the new hole as the boy screamed. Castiel was so young, so tight, so new to everything that was happening to him. The pain and terror that ripped through Castiel was caused by him, and he'd never felt better._

_Castiel sobbed at the invasion inside him, slamming in and out of him without warning, smirking as he continuously had to snap Castiel's legs apart. The ten year old continued to scream and cry, what had he done that was so bad to deserve this?_

_The man thrust in and out of him, the small child crying beneath him. His stomach was curling in on itself as the man pulled out roughly, only to shove himself back in. Castiel screamed, begging the man to stop._

_When he was hit once more by the father, he accepted it. This was his fate. Castiel was going to be raped by his preacher, and nothing he said or did would stop him. And who knew how long it would go on?_

Castiel continued to toss and turn in his sleep, never waking as the dreams of the first rape replayed in his mind.

*

_Castiel was twelve, and he had been... used, twice by the man he continued to serve with._

_Life was awful, Castiel may have had a religious family- but his siblings understood, or tried to, how to have fun. Castiel had used to run around the backyard, laughing and playing when not working, or praying or listening to his band. Castiel was trying so hard to be okay, to go back to playing outside and being happy, he tried to laugh and smile- but these times it was more forced, and he was so very scared._

_Still, he just had to be good. That was all he had to do to get this all to stop, and he could do that- Castiel knew he could, perhaps he was not as good as he had thought. No, he was a bad child- but there had to be a way to fix this, right?_

_His preacher had not violated him since he was eleven, and that meant he must be getting better. It had to, Castiel was trying so hard._

*

_Castiel was thirteen, and it had been two years since it had happened. He had done it! He was better, he was so much better now! These last two years had so slowly gotten better, he had finally done it. He was okay, he was still bad, but at least the preacher had stopped._

_He was okay. He was better now._

*

_When Castiel was fourteen that all ended._

_He was attending church, which had forever been ruined for him and he was terrified of it, but he tried so very hard to act otherwise. Castiel had been told it was time for him to attend confession, as he had not gone in four years- always trying so hard to avoid this, remembering the pain, the terror, the shame. Michael had finally put his foot down, insisting Castiel was not being good by not attending church._

_Those words alone were enough to make Castiel crack, he had to be good. If the preacher found out he had messed up now, he would... Castiel didn't want to think of what he would do, and the fact that he knew exactly what would be done made him sick._

_Castiel had been shaking as he walked into the church, hoping that the preacher would be pleased with him. Hoping that years of work and smiling and lying would save him. If ever Castiel did serve for mass, it was when another man was preaching, and he hoped his help would be taken into consideration by the priest. It was still scary, and Castiel could never attend or speak of church without that same fear making his legs tremble, but he could lie._

_"Hello, Castiel," the preacher said with a smile._

_Castiel felt his pulse quicken, he thought he was going to be sick._

_"W-w-well I'm h-here," Castiel said weakly._

_"Oh, you think you're actually here to confess? That's sweet," the man said coldly._

_Castiel halted in walking up to the preacher, "B-b-but... but I've been good. I haven't told a-anybody, n-n-no one. And I-I-I've been working h-h-hard, an-and it hasn't happened... in-in-in three y-y-years."_

_"Oh, Castiel, you didn't actually think you were a good person, did you?" The preacher said with a dirty smile. "You haven't been good at all, I've just had trouble finding a time to get you alone. People would wonder, y'know, a preacher and a boy spending so much alone time together, that shouldn't have happened in the first place? No, you were never good Castiel, I was just waiting."_

_So Castiel hadn't been good. He wasn't good. He was never good. All that time of telling himself he could be better, all those lies- and he had been bad the whole time. Castiel thought he had a chance at being good. But all that time, it had all just been a lie because Castiel was too afraid to see he was bad at heart._

_And nothing would ever change that._

_He stepped closer to the trembling teenager, a cold finger running across his face, "And I've been waiting... a very long time."_

_Castiel dropped to his knees, sobbing into his hands, "Pl-please, just t-t-tell- tell me what I'm doing wrong and I'll stop- please I'll do whatever you want me to, just please don't p-p-punish me."_

_The man only smiled in response, bending down to the boy's level._

_"We-we can't," Castiel said. "Michael will- Michael will- M-M-Michael will be here to pick me up soon, w-w-we can't."_

_"Shh," the preacher said. "Castiel, don't you think I've been planning this for months now? Michael trusts me, he trusts the preacher. Michael's word goes, and Michael trusts me to take you home."_

_Castiel inhaled sharply at the new information, his chest shaking as he began to cry even harder. How could he have been so stupid? Why did he have to do this to himself? Why did he always have to be bad?_

_The man knelt down, taking the boy's hands away from him as he continued to cry, "You always were a crier, made it more fun when I fucked into you."_

_Castiel whimpered, his throat jumping in his throat._

_"Please, I tried to be good."_

_The man unbuttoned Castiel's shirt, ignoring him as Castiel spoke this once more._

_He continued to shake, his voice heavy with tears,"Pl-please, I'll-I'll be good. I've been trying so h-h-ha-a-ard."_

_The preacher only smiled, taking off both their pants._

_"Please, I'll be good!" Castiel sobbed, desperate for this to end. Tears ran down his face as he shook harder, "I promise!"_

_"I'll be good!"_

_The man grinned, pushing Castiel down on the floor. Castiel sobbed loudly._

_"I'll be good!"_

 

"I'll be good!"

"Castiel," Anna said, shaking him softly but firmly.

The young man twisted around in his sheets, screaming and crying out, "I'll be good I promise!"

"Castiel!"

His voice broke, "Ple-e-ease! I'll be go-h-od!"

"Castiel! Wake up,"

"I'll be good!"

"CASTIEL!"

He shot up in bed, his head whipping around as he looked at his surroundings.

He felt the tremors, he was still shaking, just like he had been shaking when the man had-

Castiel jumped out of bed, rushing to the bathroom as his stomach blew itself up and made itself small in seconds. He was not on time to the toilet as he had been on Friday, and he threw up over his clothes- steps away from the toilet. The 18 year old looked down at himself, the puke covering his clothes and making him smell.

His soaked body shook, the awful taste in his mouth reminded him of having to swallow- he wretched, this time into the bowl. His sticky clothes smelled and covered in foul food, clinging to him and covering him in puke.

That was when Castiel cried. Anna had ran after him, and walked in to see her brother- curling in on himself, the smell of sick wafting through the air as he rocked on his knees. She gasped attempting to quiet herself as she saw her sobbing brother.

Gabriel cried, Naomi cried, Anna cried, Lucifer and Michael even shed a tear now and then. But not Castiel, Castiel never cried. The last time Anna had even seen him shed a tear, he had been nine years old and their father had left. The boy rocked back and forth on his knees, sobbing as he tried to control his breathing.

That only made it worse, as Castiel's breath continued to cut off, the only thing stopping his horrible sobbing was him choking on the food still in his mouth as he tried to stop crying and breath. Anna walked over to him, bending down besides her brother. He shied away from her, sobbing into his hands- he wasn't good, he was bad, he was dirty

He did not deserve Anna's comfort, he didn't deserve her love.

He didn't deserve anything.

Castiel continued to sob into his hands, loud, shaky, cries coming from his mouth as he hid his face. Anna moved to comfort him, but he jerked away from her touch.

"D-d-don't touch me! I'm bad!" He screamed.

Anna's hand stopped above him, as the boy cried out.

"Anna, I'm- I'm- I'm not good! I'm not a good person! Just get away from me! Just get away!"

"Castie-"

"LEAVE! I do not wish for you to see me like th-h-his!"

Anna did not leave the room, but she did back up. Leaving Castiel slightly more room to attempt to control himself. How long had he been sleeping? How long had he been having the same nightmares over and over and over again?

He had likely awoken Naomi, and she would be furious. He sobbed as he thought of her cornering him in the kitchen as she used to. Castiel's sobs only grew as he thought of how he must have awoken Gabriel, and Michael, and Lucifer as well. Why couldn't he just leave his family alone?! Why did he have to cause so much trouble for them?!

Castiel's body shook as he cried loud, heavy, thick sobs. The ghost of the preacher still on him, still inside him.

"Cas- Castiel, it's okay Castiel. It's okay," Anna said from behind him. "It was just a dream, you're safe now."

"N-no! You don't understand- you don't understand Anna! I-I-I-h-h-h-hit-it- it was re-he-heal! It's gonna happen again! Because I'm bad!"

The eighteen year old continued to cry, snot running down his tear streaked face as he sat in his smelly clothes. God, he looked awful- the preacher was right, he was disgusting!

Anna shushed him softly, "No, no Castiel- you're not bad. You're not. We've been over this, you're good Castiel. You're good."

"N-n-h-h-ho, Anna. I'm not- I'm not- I can't be- I can't be good. This wouldn't happen if I was good, but I'm b-h-h-ad."

"Castiel, it's okay. It's alright, you're safe now. You're safe," Anna said, scooting closer to him on the small bathroom floor.

"N-n-no" he hiccuped, "I'm-I'm- I'm not! That's what you're sup-p-p-posed to think Anna. You think you're s-s-s-safe! But you're n-not! It's been three years Anna! S-s-so- So it's going to start a-g-g-gain! You're never safe- not really!"

"I...I just have to wait," Castiel said, sniffling, his sobs having somewhat queted,"I-I have to w-wait, because I'm going to be f-f-found. I just have to wait for it to happen, because I know it will. Because I'm bad."

Anna was silent, staring at her brother with her mouth open- unsure of what to do about the sight before her.

"A-A-Anna?" Her brother said with a sniffle.

She looked at him, she would say anything to calm her little brother, "Yes, Castiel? What is it? I'm here."

"A-Anna, how- how long have I been a-asleep?"

She frowned, speaking softly, "Well... it's about 10:00, but-but you didn't fall asleep until around 2, so about... eight hours."

Castiel frowned, hiccuping,"A-And I- I wasn't awake befo-fo-fore then?"

She shook her head, "N-No Castiel- but it's alright. I understand you were tired."

Castiel knew Anna's first comment to be a complete lie. He had awoken a few times, most noticeably at 1, in the morning with Gabriel. Hm, so Gabriel hadn't told Anna about him being woken by Castiel.

Well, that was one thing he could appreciate, he knew Michael, Lucifer, and Naomi- had they been awoken- would have antagonized him and made Castiel miserable over this fact. While Castiel was pondering why Gabriel would lie to him, the doorbell rang.

Anna bit her lip, "Castiel, I am so sorry- I promise, I will be right back."

Castiel nodded, silent as he wiped his runny nose. Anna looked at him regretfully, before hurrying down the stairs to answer the door.

"Yes?"

"Hi, is Castiel there?"

There was a pause, and then Castiel heard his sister hesitantly ask, "May I ask who this is?"

"Um, D-Dean- Dean Winchester, and I'm guessing by your lack of cruelty you're the nice sister? Anna? Cas has said a lot about you."

"O-oh, well uh...Y-yes, that would be me. Are you a... a friend, of Castiel's?"

"Yeah, I-I think so. I mean, not that I'm a jerk or anything- I didn't mean I was unsure like it was unknown- I just... Well we haven't talked in a few days, and I'm worried about him."

"Um, just a second," Anna said unsurely.

He heard his sister running up the stairs and backed away from the door, as she stopped in front of him. She closed the door behind them and lowered her voice to a whisper.

"Do you know a Dean Winchester? I kept the screen door locked, and locked the other one just now so if you don't want to talk to him I can tell him that and you won't have to see him."

Castiel looked up at his sister from the floor, the thing was... He didn't want to see Dean. He wanted to run and hide and curl into a ball in the darkness and never see him again. He didn't want to dirty his friend, he didn't want to taint him with how bad he was.

And yet, Castiel wished more than anything he could speak with Dean Winchester again. It was this terror and uncertainty that led Castiel to nod, not trusting his voice to have calmed by now.

"Are you sure you don't want me to tell him to come back later, Cas? I can tell him you're not feeling well right now."

He shook his head, no he wanted to see his friend, "Pl-please, Anna."

She nodded, "okay," and hurried down the stairs to let the boy in.

Castiel looked down at his disgusting clothes, and realized exactly why Anna had double checked. Goodness, he was stupid- he looked around, thinking how on earth he could clean himself up. Castiel eyed the sink and rushed over, swishing water around in his mouth before spitting out any remaining sick. He quickly used mouth wash, and began to brush his teeth. At least now his mouth would taste somewhat less like luke when he saw De-

"Oh," Castiel paused in brushing his teeth, leaning against the bathroom wall in his puke covered clothes, faking nonchalance, "Well... hey, Dean."

Dean looked at his friend for a moment and shook his head, "Sheesh, when you're sick you're sick."

Castiel spit out the remain tooth paste and swished water around for a moment, opening jus mouth as he stood up, smirking, "As-"

"If you say 'as opposed to the sickness where when I'm sick, I'm not actually sick' so help me god I will kick your ass."

Castiel's face relaxed, he didn't smile- but his eyes did, "You know, your fascination with my ass n-never fails to astound me."

Dean blushed slightly, "Shut up. Hey, uh, dude?"

"Yes?"

"I swear I'm not trying to be a jackass, but don't you wanna shower? Trust me when I tell you that living in your own sick does not make you feel better."

Castiel raised an eyebrow, "Too much partying?"

Dean shrugged, "You could say that."

'More like my dad.'

"Seriously though man, shower's right there. Want me to go get you a towel?"

Castiel nodded appreciatively, "Th-Thank you Dean."

He nodded, "Sure."

The younger teenager left the bathroom, looking around for Anna. He saw the girl sitting on the steps, apparently reading. Dean frowned realizing he did not know where any towels were kept- after all, he couldn't have taken one from the bathroom Castiel was in, as that would have ruined the awkwardness of leaving for Castiel to undress that he did not want his friend to feel.

Dean tapped her shoulder, "Um, Anna? Where are your towels?"

"There's a closet right down the hall, it's middle shelf- that should be full of towels."

He nodded, "Thanks."

"You're very welcome- wait, Dean?"

He paused as he grabbed a fluffy dark blue towel, turning to face the redhead, "Yes?"

"Is...Is Castiel taking a shower?"

Dean nodded, "Yeah, told Cas I'd get him a towel."

Anna raised her eyebrows, "oh," she said, before turning back to her book, the hint of a smile on her face.

Dean said nothing about the exchange as he walked back to Cas, down the faded blue halls and into the small bathroom. When Dean walked into the room Cas had already stepped into the shower, and was attempting to find the bar of soap. Dean laughed as Cas muttered to himself about the incompetence of slippery bars of soap, and deciding to use shampoo in its stead.

"You're not supposed to use shampoo Cas, it'll burn your eyes," Dean said with a laugh.

"Well what would you have me do Dean Winchester?" Castiel said grumpily.

Dean laughed and gave him a bathrobe, as Castiel had not yet turned on the water. The younger teenager ran a very small, soft, white towel under warm water with a bar of light green soap. Castiel poked his extremely messy head out of the shower curtain, he looked so small and cute- his hair curled around the edges and sticking up messily in a rather tempting way.

But Dean and Cas were friends, and Dean was not going to run his finger through his friends hair when the guy was already going through hell being sick.

Not that he'd thought of it anyways.

"Hey come over here, Cas," Dean said, waving his friend over.

Castiel stepped out of the shower, dark bathrobe knotted multiple times in order to keep it from falling. He looked over at the other man and Dean sighed, "Alright Steve McQueen- this isn't The Thomas Crown Affair, quit looking pretty and get over here."

Castiel frowned, "I am not pretty. I am handsome."

Dean rolled his eyes, ignoring how right Castiel was, "My mistake, handsome.Now, get your _handsome_ ass over here."

Castiel walked over to Dean and allowed him to run the towel under he warm water under the sink once more.

Dean spoke in a very gentle voice, "Close your eyes."

Castiel complied and felt a warm sudsy towel softly cleansing his face. He felt the sweat and sick lightly being wiped off his face, and he sighed contently. If ever Castiel felt this way- which, if it ever did happen, he never threw up- he would take a quick shower. Jumping in to most likely cold water, and jumping out.

But Dean was being so kind to him- Castiel never realized human contact could make him so happy.

"Hey, Cas?" Dean asked quietly. "Are you okay?"

It was then Castiel realized he was shaking slightly, he nodded against the soft towel, Dean's hands practically cradling his face beneath it.

"Yes, I am sorry- I have just have a very tiring day."

"That's okay," Dean replied in a serene voice, gently moving the warm towel against Castiel's pale skin.

Dean ran another part of the towel under warm water, and tenderly rinsed Castiel's face.

If Dean could have easily handed Castiel the soap and towel, neither of them mentioned it.

*

After Castiel had showered, he and Dean watched a few movies. Castiel spent far too much time worrying about school and religion to sit down for two hrs and do nothing and he had no idea what to watch if he were to do so. But Dean was there, and Castiel was so exhausted he didn't have the energy to make himself do something useful.

_I saw a film today oh, boy_

Dean was shocked to find Castiel had never seen a single Back To The Future movie, and had quickly asked Anna if they owned any of them.

_The english army had just won the war_

Of course, Gabriel had each one- and Anna assured them Gabriel would not mind them using them for the day.

_A crowd of people turned away_

It was nice, having Dean in his home.

_Having read the book_

Castiel had been terrified Dean would think him ridiculously and flee had he ever the chance to see his house.

I'd love to turn you on

If Dean noticed any of the multiple crosses strewn across his house, or the large paintings of Jesus- he did not make it known.

_But I just had to look_

The two only sat together on the couch, laughing and talking as they enjoyed the movie.

*

_Woke up, fell out of bed_

Castiel awoke in a considerably better mood the next day, even almost smiling as he prepared himself for school.

_Dragged a comb across my head_

After the insufferable weekend, and the particularity horrible day he had experience yesterday- Castiel was glad to know he could finally speak with Dean once more.

_Found my way downstairs and drank a cup_

_And looking up, I noticed I was late_

_Found my coat and grabbed my hat_

_Made the bus in seconds flat_

Anna was also in a better mood, only asking a few questions about Dean now and then in order to not overwhelm her brother.

_Found my way upstairs and had a smoke_

Still, he saw her smile.

_And somebody spoke and I went into a dream_

And he could not blame her for it, and if Castiel also smiled because of Dean when the car pulled up.

_Ah_

Well, no one said a thing about it.


	12. Drive My Car

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is a lot of dialogue- especially between Dean and Cas. Also, we get to learn a little more about Dean's life.
> 
> WARNING: Brief mentions of torture, murder, dead bodies and mentions of John Winchester being a bad dad.

"You know, I don't ask for a lot," John said through the phone. "Take care of your brother, that's all I ask of you. That's the only thing I've ever needed from you."

Dean nodded, then remembered his father wasn't there, "I know dad, I'm sorry but my fri-"

"You're always sorry! I don't care what your excuse was, when I get a phone call from the school saying you weren't there, we have a problem!"

"I-I know. I just- I just- it's just that my friend was-"

"Damn it, Dean!" John said with a sigh. "You know what I've told you about this job, you can't make friends! You're here for your family, and no one else. The one thing I think I can count on you for is not making friends, and now you're ruining that too! Just do your job Dean, watch out for your little brother!"

The phone call ended abruptly as Dean heard his father hang up. Dean rested his head in his hands before pulling himself up and staring at the phone in his hands, a shaky sigh escaping his tense body. His mom's anniversary was coming up, and he knew his father was more on edge than usual- which was saying a lot.

John was upset, October now over, he was stressed and tired and snappy. Dean understood this, and he was truly sorry that he hadn't been at school to watch his brother- but Cas had been sick. Scratch that, Cas had been really, really, really sick- so much so that when he had eventually slipped into unconsciousness, he started moving around and mumbling out in his sleep. Poor guy, didn't matter how hard he tried, his body just wouldn't let him get better.

Dean felt for the guy, he really did- Cas had looked like a complete wreck when he had first seen him yesterday. Bags under his eyes, sick on his clothes, snot and sick on his face- whatever he had come down with over the weekend, it had not been pretty. When Dean left later that night, Cas had fallen asleep against the couch and he had seemed much better than earlier.

Hopefully his friend was okay, because Dean had really missed him at school. In fact, it had kind of scared him how much he had. School had been boring- well, it was always boring, but more so than normal without Cas- and he had missed Cas, missed his smiling eyes, mossed his gravelly voice, and missed hearing Cas' opinion on things. When funny stuff happened in study hall, his friend wasn't there to laugh about it with Dean. He wasn't there to hear Dean complain about Sammy, and he wasn't there to not bother Dean about his feelings as Sam and the others had.

Cas was snarky when he wanted to be, sometimes even harsher than the others- he didn't let Dean make fun of him without his own comment, or sharp retort for Dean to be nice. Cas was different that way, he didn't just stare at Dean and wait for what he was going to say next- well, actually he did, Cas had this really intense stare that both turned him on and weirded him out, but what he meant was that Cas had an opinion on things and gosh when did this become about him being turned on? Anyways, Cas didn't take crap from anybody, and honestly, the guy was kind of intimidating.

Sometimes when Dean was going to make a joke, he was unsure- what if Cas thought it was stupid? Or he just laughed at him? He knew that wasn't a very Cas like thing to do, but sometimes he was nervous. Dean knew it was stupid, he wasn't a little kid who liked someone- he was a grown man who.... had feelings for-

'No, that just makes it sound even sappier,' Dean thought.

"Dean? We gonna go?"

Dean looked up from his phone, "Hm? Yeah."

The teenager walked over to the door, Sam practically skipping- yes, skipping- out the door behind him. Dean slipped into his car with a smile, breathing in the leather as he gripped the cool steering wheel. God this was where he belonged, behind the steering wheel of his baby- not some stupid school that tried to teach him stupid shit he wasn't going to use.

All Dean needed to know, was how to shoot and stay fit- and how not be a dumbass. Which, when it came to street smarts- he didn't think he was too bad at it. After learning all about criminals and psychopath tendencies since he was four, Dean was pretty sure he knew how to handle himself on the job. Hell, he'd been shooting bulls eyes since he was six!

The teenager turned the key, Kashmir coming on at full volume.

Sam groaned, covering his ears, "Dean would you turn it down?"

Dean laughed, "What, you don't like Led Zeppelin?"

He only groaned once more, "Nobody does this early in the morning."

"You know, you're a pretty bad morning person for the supposed youngest."

"Dude, I don't have a problem with mornings- but I don't want your music blaring at 7 in the morning!"

"Well that's just too damn bad Sammy, because as I recall the rule is... Driver picks the music, shotgun shuts his cake hole."

Sam simply rolled his eyes as they pulled into the school's parking lot, "You know, just because you sat that doesn't make it true, Dean."

Dean scoffed, as the car shuttered with the turn of his keys, "Well, obviously not because you won't stop talking."

The two got out of the car, but Dean stopped walking back to the front and opening the hood. Sam turned around, his eyes widening as he hissed his brother's name, hoping to attract his attention and cause him to walk away from his beloved impala.

Dean frowned, looking up from the car briefly, "What? She shakes a bit when I start up and when I turn her off. 'M gonna have to check the motor mounts when I get home- most likely the idle speed is too slow when the engine starts."

"I don't know I mean the intake gasket could be leaking, but I change it often enough that that shouldn't be the problem and I haven't seen any oil around it- I don't know it could be a few different things, I'm probably gonna have to take retrace the electrical wiring too, just to be safe. 'Course it could be a bad sensor-"

"Dean, we're at school- not the garage, can't you check your car when we get home?"

Dean closed the hood with a sigh, "Not doing a full check Sam, all I did was lift the hood sheesh."

Sam shook his head as he and Dean walked towards the school, "Dean, have you ever seen anybody else drop everything and pull the hood of their car up in the middle of the parking lot?"

"Sam, do I look like I give a shit about what's considered to be normal? If my baby's hurt I'm not gonna abandon her to appease to some high school assholes."

He sighed, "Gosh, you're attached to that thing. What are you gonna do with it when it gets older?"

"Well I'm definitely not gonna turn it into a sports coat."

Sam rolled his eyes, "Okay, enough of Bobby's Christmas movies, I mean when it gets old and... well, doesn't work anymore, Dean."

Dean turned sharply on Sam, "Don't say that. She'll be fine, she's mine and I take care of her- her getting older isn't something I have to worry about, 'sides we'll grow old together."

Sam rolled his eyes, pushing the school's door open, "That thing's gonna have to move to the side for someone eventually."

The older Winchester scoffed, "Please Sam, more than half of my hookups have been in that car. She'll be fine."

Sam cringed, "Ew, Dean. I didn't want to know that, I've sat back there."

"So have a bunch of other girls, Samantha," Dean said smoothly, biting his lip so as not to smirk.

"I don't know if that was supposed to be an insult to me, or gross me out- either way, I don't want to hear anymore."

Dean smirked, stopping besides Sam at his brother's locked "Heh, don't let Jo or Charlie hear me, or Jess- they'd kick my ass if they heard that."

Sam bit his lip, laughing as he grabbed his books, “And be justified."

"Dude, you know I'm not some sexist, woman hating, gender inequality loving douchebag."

Sam smiled, nodding, as he followed Dean to his own locker, "I know, but its fun to watch you get your ass kicked."

"Keep talking like that and I'm not gonna be the only Winchester who has their ass kicked."

Sam scoffed, knowing Dean was kidding and that Dean definitely didn't have time to kick his ass anyways. He'd been too busy helping their dad, not that Sam had been there, since Dean had insisted he go hang out with Jessica. It was the first time their dad had visited in three weeks, and Sam had been angry with Dean for keeping him away- sure he and Dean fought, but that didn't give him the right to separate them.

Dean was basically being foster care, the very thing the two worked so hard to fight against- not that they'd ever had any real experience with one, but it was an unspoken predicament both boys made sure they would never have to deal with. When John called to tell Dean he was coming to visit, Dean said nothing of it and had in fact hidden it very well- but Dean couldn't really get Sam out of the house for a few days without raising suspicion.

They'd fought. Long, and hard, and angrily- they'd fought. Sam loved his brother, he really, truly did. Sam loved his stupid jokes, and as much as he hated his annoyingly blared music it was so very much Dean, his brother was there for him more than anyone else ever had been- and he loved him for all of these things. But Sam couldn't take the lying, he just couldn't.

After everything the two had gone through together, didn't Sam deserve the truth from him? And it angered Sam that Dean would fight for Sam until the end, to keep him from being taken away from his family- and then not let him see their dad. What right did Dean have to keep him away from his father?

So yes, Sam had been angry with Dean.

_"You know you're a hypocrite right?!"_

_Dean shrugged, taking a sip of his beer from the kitchen table, "If that's what I gotta be."_

_Sam breathed out heavily, anger growing, "You haven't seen dad in three weeks huh? And you miss him don't you?! When's the last time I've seen him? Two months ago?! I deserve to see our dad too you know!"_

Dean sighed, "Sammy, you deserve to see dad more than anyone."

_Sam looked at him sadly, "Then let me."_

_His brother closed his eyes, sighing resignedly, "...No."_

_Sam merely huffed, walking out of the room before he could lose his temper further._

The two hadn't spoken of their argument, or even acknowledged that it had happened at all since the night it had. Sam knew this was bad, and he was worried he had only made Dean feel worse about himself. The drinking, the insecurities, the working himself to the bone, Dean had it all going for him.

Sam had seen people die, had helped his family stop murders, had fought against infections planned by psychopaths- and he had never felt as powerless then as he did when he saw Dean. Sam had no idea what to say to him, and so everything went unsaid. As it always did between Winchesters, and no matter how old Sam grew- he had never understood why it happened.

But then again, he had never understood his family period.

*  
"It's ridiculous though, man. How am I supposed to want to know what I wanna make out of this lump of clay?"

Castiel shrugged body leaning over the worn table as he carefully drew his tool along the vase he had made, never looking up from his work, "How am I to know what you draw inspiration from?"

Dean sighed, frowning, "You know you're not being very helpful, Cas."

The 18 year old shrugged once more, "I never claimed to be helpful. Besides, I knew to do well on this project."

"What cause I don't? You're throwing me to the dogs, Cas," Dean said, staring at the small coiled vase before him.

"First of all Dean, your coil is far too small- you need to add at least a few more rings if you wish to create pottery with any remote possibility of having use."

"Well gee, Cas, thanks. Honestly though, I don't get why the guy didn't have us draw what we wanted to make first like normal art teachers," Dean grumbled, glaring down at his small gray attempt of pottery.

"You do realize that had he requested a drawing of your plan first, you would be sitting here grumbling because you did not know what to draw, correct?

The other frowned, grumbling, "Well, yeah, but you don't need to say it. What are you making, Cas?"

Castiel frowned, "I am not forging you this information Dean Winchester, my art secrets are my own."

"I'm sitting right next to you! How is any of that gonna be a secret?"

Cas frowned, his eyebrows pulling down, "You're right."

Dean raised his eyebrows, "See? Now would you tell me?"

Castiel opened a folder and propped it up, covering his work.

Dean groaned, "You're impossible."

"More or less."

Dean sighed, where it was from irritation or fondness he wasn't sure, but he did smile through it. Cas knew how to get him going, but Dean figured it was only fair, someone had to get back at him once in a while. And Cas did, oh he did- sometimes he knocked Dean down a peg or two, and as new as it was, Dean found he kind of liked it.

His friend was quick, sharp, and had a very deep voice- not to mention he didn't take carp from anybody, so sometimes the guy was kind of hard to approach. Cas was intimidating, and his very presence almost... demanded, respect- even around Crowley he was an imposing guy, and Dean really admired him for that. Another reason Dean liked Cas' control, even though Cas could be scary- he wasn't at heart, he was actually a really good guy.

Cas didn't take advantage of younger people, didn't use his voice to scare people for no good reason. Dean was used to anyone older than him treating him like a child, pushing him around, ordering him about, and he'd never liked it. Some of his dad's police buddies treated Dean like he was stupid and useless, and okay... so maybe he was- but still, they didn't have to point it out.

"Are you alright, Dean?"

Dean tuned to see Cas frowning at him, his work put to the side.

Dean bit his lip, nodding, then thinking his response wasn't reassuring gruffly whispered, "Yeah, m'fine."

"I'm- I am sorry, would you truly benefit from some assistance? Is that what is upsetting you?" Cas said, trying to figure out what was wrong.

The younger teen shook his head, "Nah, Cas. S'alright."

His brow furrowed, "You're upset."

"M'not, okay?"

"Dean, I... I don't know what I did, but I am sorry. I will try to not be so bad."

Dean frowned, "Dude, no- you're fine, we're fine. S'not you, I swear."

Cas frowned, biting his lip, "I... if you insist."

Dean nodded.

Cas frowned muttering something along the lines of, "ma belle."

Dean looked at him, "Hm?"

Cas shook his head lightly, looking at him innocently, "Nothing."

*

The rest of the day progressed similar to art class- Dean kept thinking back to his dad and having his attempts at conversation messed up. Cas tried to make him feel better in homeroom, and he tried in study hall- and to a certain extent he did make things better, actually, Cas did pretty well for himself.

Nonetheless, Dean could only keep his mind off his dad for so long. It was really annoying because thinking about dad lead to Dean thinking about mom.

Neither of which Dean wanted.

When Sam and Dean got home, Sam noticed Dean was considerably quieter than he had been this morning. He said nothing, only raising his eyebrows and looking at him before Dean brushed him off. He didn't need concern, because he wasn't upset. He was fine, just fine.

Like he always was.

*  
Castiel was sitting in his room, studying for an anatomy test next week, when he heard someone knock on the door from downstairs.

"Castiel!" He heard Anna call.

Castiel rolled off his bed, fixing it before leaving the room. He quietly but quickly walked down the stairs, raising his eyebrows at Anna when he reached the bottom.

"Yes, Anna?"

She stepped back, pulling the door with her to reveal Dean. Cas frowned, his eyebrows furrowing as he stared at Dean- unsure as to why he had come.

"Not that I am not glad to see you, but... why are you here, Dean? I thought you wanted to work on your car," Cas said with a frown.

Dean shrugged, "Well I did, and I was wondering..."

He frowned, unsure of his friend's response, "You wanna go for a drive?"

*

"So is there any reason for this random escapade?" Castiel said with a frown. "Because this time it's not my birthday, and it's not yours, or Sam's."

"What, a man can't celebrate fixing his car?" Dean said as he drove onwards.

The eighteen year old nodded, pressing his lips together tightly, "A man may, a seventeen year old may not."

Dean glared at him, "Four months, man. Four months!"

Cas could no longer hide his amusement at his friend's irritation, his mouth slipping from its harsh line and into a smirk.

Dean huffed, "You're an ass."

Castiel sighed, shaking his head, "Here we go again..."

Dean blushed, "Shut up, that's not what I meant."

Cas only smirked at the teenager, who was intent on not looking at him as his tan skin turned pink. He had to admit, he had missed being in Dean's car- it was nice to speak together, just the two of them. No Crowley to ruin anything, no siblings to pull them away, no school work for him to stress over.

Still, Cas didn't understand why he and Dean didn't just entertain themselves within Dean's room; it wasn't as if he hadn't been over there before. Not that he was inviting himself over! It just seemed more logical to him, than Dean using up his gas and not being able to properly relax, due to his necessary focus on the road.

"Is that truly your reason, Dean? You just wanted to drive?"

'And I wanted to hang out with you'. Dean nodded, "Yeah, you never drove around... just for the sake of driving around?"

"Well..." Castiel looked at his lap, "I don't know how to drive."

Dean's eyes darted over to the dark haired teen before returning to the road, "You ever think about lessons?"

'Yes, yes I have. Hours alone, with an older man. I've had a lot of time to think about it.' "No, not really. Driving is a dangerous task, Dean- besides, I could always have someone drive me."

"I don't think so Sheldon Cooper."

Castiel frowned, "Dean, for someone who claims to know so much about me as we are close friends- you have a lot of trouble with remembering my name."

"It's a- never mind. Anyways, don't you want to learn eventually?"

"I... Honestly, I do not wish to have to drive with someone I don't know," Cas said with a sigh, not sure how to make s answer appear any less suspicious than that.

Dean asked nothing of Cas' reasoning, only offering, "Want me to teach you?"

Cas looked over at him, "You... you would do that? Are you sure? I don't wish to bother you."

Dean rolled his eyes, "Dude, we're in a car."

"Yes but, this car is- she is- she's very special to you."

Dean frowned, "She?"

Cas nodded, biting his lip, worried he had done something wrong, “She is a she, correct?"

"Well, yeah but- it's just no one's ever- well, you're the first to call her a she 'sides myself," Dean smiled, "See baby? I'm not the only one who knows how to be a gentleman to you."

Cas chuckled softly, almost nonexistent, "Yes, I have respect for your car- rest assured. So... you'd be okay with me driving?"

Dean bit his lip, "O-of course."

Cas' eyes did that thing again, where they softened around the edges and made him look some kind of a wise guy. It was fitting really- but Cas' eyes were not the focus of this drive, at least, not Dean's. Not that they were any other time either.

"Dean, you can say no if you wish."

_Asked a girl what she wanted to be_

Dean breathed a sigh of relief, "Thank you. I'm sorry, I trust you Cas- it's just - you're a new driver. Hell, I don't even know if you've ever driven before."

_She said baby, can't you see_

"Of course, perhaps we shall another time."

_I wanna be famous, a star on the screen_

"Well, actually, we could right now- my dad's friend, Bobby, he has a car garage. He's fixing a bunch of 'em up, and some are already done. Guy lets me take one out for a test drugs now and then, 'm sure he wouldn't mind if I asked."

_But you can do something in between_

Cas bit his lip, "Are you quite sure? I don't wish for my incompetence to be a bother."

_Baby you can drive my car_

Dean scoffed, "Relax dude, it's just an old car- it'll be fine."

_Yes I'm gonna be a star_

Cas sighed, "If you insist."

Baby you can drive my car

Dean grinned, "Oh I do, I do insist."

_And maybe I love you_

*  
'Singer Salvage Yard' was extremely used, not a single empty space to be seen- not even outside. The large field was accommodated with patches of dying grass, and many, many old cars- their rust covered bodies leaning against each other for support in their struggle to be seen from the lot, and hopefully, one day, be fixed.

The mass pile of cars lay under the yard's dark old, dirty sign many of the letters on the hinge of the sign if not having already fallen off or no longer visible because of weathered nights. Not far from the yard rested a faded, wooden, two story house- multiple circular windows revealing small glimpses into what seemed to be a rather cluttered attempt at a living area.

Castiel looked over at Dean, who was smiling softly. Obviously this place held a lot of memories for Dean; he could see this as his eyes fondly swept over the landscape they walked across, pointing things out to Cas now and then.

"That's the oak tree- well, obviously, you uh- you probably know what an oak tree is you're not dumb, um, anyways," Dean rubbed his neck awkwardly, continuing on.

"Sam and I used to climb in that for hours, heheh, he'd uh- when he was really little, he always wanted to play cops and robbers... I used to uh- use to pretend to be a policeman, and I'd... I'd shoot him down." Dean said wistfully, his eyes glazed over with memories of the past.

Sam shouting out, giggling as he fell to the ground- pretending to have been shot down. Pretending to have been murdered by a cop. Pretending that everything was black and white and that bank robbers didn't have guns of their own, and innocent people didn't die because of monsters.

Because none of that was real. Because when Dean played cops and robbers, at the end of the day nobody would actually die, it was just a game. And when the game was over he could run bingo his mother's arms and kiss her, and hug her, and say he loved her.

But when she died, so did the game- and suddenly being a police officer and being forced to kill someone when they pulled a gun on innocent people wasn't fun anymore. He felt sick that it had ever been fun. Of course, that was back when he was a child- and the robber was a giggling Sam falling into the grass, not the cold body of a still twitching psychopath falling to cold, hard, marble ground as he choked on his own blood.

_"Bet you can't get me Dean!" Sammy had cried out, enjoying the playtime when John had dropped them off, his brown hair whipped about by the warm breeze._

_"Bam!" Dean shouted- jerking his arms backwards as Sam fell to the ground. "Gotcha!"_

Sam fell to the ground with laughter, only to jump up again and tease his brother that he'd never be able to get him. Never kill him.

Because Dean wasn't a murder, a torturer.

Neither of the boys knew how many times someone would try and change that.

Castiel bit his lip, seeing recollection had pulled Dean back into the confidentialities of his own mind, memories playing in each eye. Castiel could see from the paling, dying flickering of cold green in his eyes that whatever Dean was remembering, it was not pleasant. Castiel stepped away from Dean so as not to alarm him and called his name softly.

"Dean?" He said hesitantly from arm’s length.

Dean looked over at him as the film in his eyes paused, "What?"

"You were distracted," Cas said. "Are you alright now?"

"Yeah," Dean said with a quick, shaky nod of his head. "Just- just... distracted, is all."

*  
"It's about time you came to visit me, ya idjit," Bobby said when he saw Dean, rising forms his chair.

"Hey Bobby," Dean said with a grin, allowing Bobby's rickety door to close behind he and Cas when they stepped in.

Bobby looked over to the dark haired teenager standing beside Dean and raised his eyebrows, “And who's this?"

Cas looked up unsurely, his coat twisted in his hands as he cleared his throat, "My name is Castiel, sir."

Bobby straightened up slightly at the term before smiling, "At ease soldier, you can just call me Bobby."

He stuck out his hand, "Bobby Singer. If the sign was any indication."

Castiel nodded, "Castiel Novak- not a soldier, but yes, it was quite informative."

"Nah, I figured not kid I was just making a-"

"Don't," Dean said with the shake of his head. "Wasting your time."

Cas felt his happiness shrink, he wasn't worth the time.

Dean laughed, "Cas man, we gotta get you to watch more movies- or just understand humanity in general."

Cas felt his sour mood perk up ever so slightly, Dean was kidding- which was immensely confusing because Dean had only spoken the truth. Nonetheless, Cas nodded at his friend's insistence. Bobby looked at the two, raising his eyebrows before sitting back down in his armchair.

"So, what brings you to my beautiful garden?"

Castiel felt a pang of guilty, the man truly thought his yard was beautiful- he felt bad for the older man; surely he had not been outside in quite some time if he said his yard was beautiful, and thought it a garden.

Dean smirked at Bobby's sarcasm, "Cas here needs to learn how to drive."

Cas frowned, oh- sarcasm.

"I don't mean to be any trouble, in fact if it is I could leave," Cas said quickly, guilt already rising at the thought of bothering the older man.

Bobby was old, he had brown eyes, and a kind smile despite his gruff. It scared Castiel. Albeit, the priest was taller and his face rounder and far more aged- still the similarities were there, and Castiel noticed every one of them.

Bobby shook his head, "Cool your jets kid, It's just an old car, its fine."

Dean raised his eyebrows, smirk forming as he turned to look at his friend, "What'd I tell ya?"

Cas frowned, "Weren't you there? You said it was just an old car, and that-"

"Expression, Cas," Dean said with the hint of a smile.

Cas' frown crossed into confusion, "Oh."

Bobby looked at the two before waving them over, opening a side and walking outside. Dean followed, used to test driving, and Cas bit his lip, unsurely following his friend and Bobby outside.

When Bobby reached his stop Dean did as well, turning on the gravel to look at Cas. Cas' eyes roamed across the old garage, unlike the yard the garage was filled with cars that seemed drivable, logically he knew this was where Bobby's current/finished cars resided and his blue eyes flit across the large work area, seeing what work the man had done.

His eyes were greeted with many cars, some with open hoods or unattached wheels sitting by their sides- others appeared ready to sell, smelling of cleaner and ready to be driven. There was one black car Dean was eyeing, though he said it didn't compare to his 'baby', and another car that was a dark blue with no hood.

The one that caught Castiel's attention, however, was a hooded, older, tan car he thought looked somewhat similar to Dean's car. Castiel tilted his head, brow furrowing as he briskly walked over to the car, not saying a word as he approached the vehicle. Dean raised his eyebrows and looked at Bobby who merely shrugged, before Dean strode off after his friend, Bobby behind him.

"Cas?"

"This car..." Castiel frowned, "What type of vehicle is it?"

Bobby's brows furrowed for a moment, before rising once more, "That right there is a 1978 Lincoln Continental Mark V, only one here- but-"

Dean shook his head, "I can't let this happen. Cas, you're not a pimp, don't use this ca-"

Cas looked up, a determined glare on his face, "I like it."

Dean threw his hands up in the air, "Or not! Hey, the guy likes it!"

Castiel nodded once, and Bobby looked at Dean, biting back a smirk at Dean's quick change in opinion. Dean glared at Bobby, who only rolled his eyes in response to Dean's stubborn dismissal of what he knew Bobby to be thinking, walking up to Cas.

"This the one, kid?" Bobby said with a raise of his eyebrows, another mannerism of Bobby's that reminded Cas greatly of Dean.

How much time had he and Dean truly spent together? Castiel hated himself for being curious about Dean's father- he would never ask- but he was. From the short time he had been in Bobby Singer's presence, Cas had been able to tell the man had a great influence on Dean's life.

"Cas?" Dean said with a raise of _his_ eyebrows.

Cas bit his lips before taking a shaky sigh, "Yes, this is the car I wish to learn in if you do not mind."

"Course," Bobby threw Cas the keys.

Cas snapped his hand out catching the keys in his fist, never once breaking his gaze with Bobby. Bobby raised his eyebrows again, smiling slightly as he shook his head and walked inside.

Dean clapped his hands, "Alright Cas, let's get the show on the road."

Cas frowned, "What show?"

Dean sighed.

*

_I told a girl that my prospects were good_

"Dean, I do not think I was speaking rationally when I wished to learn to drive- let's go back this isn't a good idea," Cas said as he gripped the steering wheel, biting his lip nervously.

_And she said baby, It's understood_

"Well come on Cas, surely you've driven at least once, right?" Dean said from the passenger seat.

_Working for peanuts is all very fine_

Cas' teeth deepened their hold on his bottom lip, "No."

_But I can show you a better time_

Dean frowned, "Siblings never thought you'd want to try? I mean, no crash courses? Man, I'm either a great brother or you've had some lousy ones."

_Baby you can drive my car_

Cas' frown disappeared, eyes lightening, "Likely the latter."

_Yes I'm gonna be a star_

"Hey!"

_Baby you can drive my car_

Cas realized his mistake, "Oh, this isn't to say you are not a great brother, Dean- simply that my family does not get along well."

_And maybe I love you_

Dean nodded, "I hear ya."

_Beep beep'm beep beep yeah_

Cas frowned, turning to see his friend, "Do you have trouble hearing?"

_Baby you can drive my car_

"No, why?"

_Yes I'm gonna be a star_

"Well then why are why so proud to hear me now?"

_Baby you can drive my car_

Dean shook his head, "No I mean- I understand what you're saying."

_And maybe I love you_

"Oh."

_I told that girl I can start right away_

Dean raised his eyebrows, "Now, you ready?"

_And she said, "Listen baby I got something to say_

"Um, Dean I- I truly don't think was a wise idea of mine."

_I got no car and it's breaking my heart_

Dean looked over at him, "Hey man, its cool- chill out, you're fine. Why are you so against driving Cas?"

_But I've found a driver and that's a start_

"I... I truly do not wish to take driving lessons. I don't want to be by myself with some random man for over an hour."

_Baby you can drive my car_

"Well you're not, you're with me, Cas. It'll be fine," Dean said reassuringly.

_Yes I'm gonna be a star_

Cas nodded, letting out a shaky breath as he started up the car, listening to Dean's instructions. He softly, ever so softly, pressed his foot against the car, which then began to move- he pulled his foot back with a gasp before Dean reassured him it would be fine.

_Baby you can drive my car_

"You're just nervous, man- but you'll be okay, it's not a big deal. Just ease your foot onto the pedal," Dean said calmly. "We're not trying to get to a certain speed, just out of Bobby's garage- see look, huge exit and all you gotta do to get through it is pull forward. That's it, you can do that Cas."

_And maybe I love you_

Cas nodded, and calmly once more placed his foot on the pedal- only flinching when the car move, but never jerking his foot away as he had done so before. He had never thought much of the actual driving, but actual driving was very frightening- he had all this power in one machine, and if he wasn't careful he could kill someone.

_Beep beep'm beep beep yeah_

It made him quite uneasy, if he was to be honest with himself, but Dean was there and Dean trusted him to not kill him- so he would be careful and try not to cause any harm.

_Beep beep'm beep beep yeah_

He screwed his eyes shut, before remembering one couldn't drive with their eyes closed and slightly added more pressure into the pedal. The car slowly, slowly pulled out of the garage, onto the dirt ground. Cas inhaled sharply, surprised by his accomplishment.

_Beep beep'm beep beep yeah_

Dean said nothing, smiling at his friend- noticing Bobby in the background as he did so. Bobby sat on his old rocking chair, watching the scene with his beer and a smile. Dean's smile brightened at this; at least he had one adult who would approve.

_And maybe I love you_


	13. Hey Jude

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The anniversary of Mary's death arrives. Cas tries to help.

_"Goodnight Dean, remember angels are watching over you," Mary said softly, kissing her drowsy son on the head._

_Dean frowned when his mother closed the door, realizing he'd forgotten to tell his mommy he loved her before he went to bed._

_Oh well, he'd tell her tomorrow._

*

_Heat, heat, heat, too much heat._

_Dean woke up in a sweat, bangs clumped against his forehead in the immensely warm temperature. He sat up from his bed, only to see smoke filling his room, a fire blazing brightly down the hallway._

_The four year old quickly jumped out of bed, running out into the hallway- calling for his mom and dad. He coughed, black smoke filling his lungs as he attempted to find his family- he pressed onward, ignoring his burning eyes. He finally reached Sammy's room, he was about to open the door when his father burst out of the room._

_"Daddy!" Dean cried out._

_John looked at him, terror in his eyes as he handed Dean his baby brother, "Take your brother outside as fast as you can - don't look back. Now, Dean! Go!"_

*

_Hey Jude_

Dean shot up in bed, the heat of the night clinging to his skin. He raised shaking hands to his face as he swung his legs over his bed, his face red and sweaty as he took deep breaths.

_Don't make it bad_

His throat was dirty and tight, every breath never reaching deep enough- despite the oxygen hanging in front of him, he couldn't inhale it, his choking noises cutting his attempt at breathing off.

_Take a sad song and make it better_

His throat was sputtering, heart beating intensely as it tried to pump and help the rest of his body. His head felt dizzy, as if the smoke had coated his lungs and covered his eyes with it's blackness. The taste of death lingered on his lips, as he had unknowingly inhaled the heat that was killing his mother.

_Remember to let her into your heart_

His stomach churned, the taste of smoke, and ash, and death the only thing he could ever recalling tasting. Dean scrambled to his feet as he continued to feel the churning heat in his stomach, the stench of smoke still crowding his throat as he tried to swallow. The seventeen year old rushed to the bathroom, choking on nothing as his body tried to heave.

The taste of meat came up in his throat, but he forced himself to swallow- the thought of swallowing puke only making him throw up again, thankfully this time into the bowl. His stomach burned harshly as he emptied its contents. Dean shakily exhaled, resting his aching, sweaty head against the lifted toilet lid, attempting to calm himself.

As he raised his throbbing head from the white lid he saw the numbers on their bathroom clock.

1:43 AM

_Then you can start to make it better_

November 2nd.

*  
"Hey," Sam said cautiously. "Dean, are you alright?"

"Fine," he replied gruffly, already defensive about the date.

"Oh, okay, just asking," Sam said, turning his head to avoid seeing Dean's mocking face for checking on him.

Dean exhaled harshly, shaking his head at his brother's questions. Just cause somebody died didn't mean he had to be upset for god's sake! He was fine without Sam pestering him, if his brother was really so concerned for his sake he'd leave him alone.

"Um, Dean-"

He whipped around, spitting out, " _What_ , Sam?" He saw his brother's face fall slightly and sighed, resting his face in his hands, rubbing at the gruff facial hair he was sure had started growing. "Look, Sam- I'm- I'm sorry, that was uncalled for. What- what is it?"

"I just, um," he looked at the ground, flexing his thumb out to the stove's clock behind them, "Uh, its 7:15, school's going to start in about fifteen minutes."

Dean practically jumped out of the kitchen chair, grabbing his jacket and slipping it on a quick, easy movement, opening the garage door and pulling his keys out of his pocket.

"Shit, Sam!" He said as he slid into the car, Sam looking at him from the passenger seat. "Why didn't you tell me?"

"Well," Sam said as his brother started the car. "You were kind of... busy."

"I don't care if I'm dying; we're getting you to school!"

Sam frowned, "You don't mean that."

Dean chucked as they pulled out, "Well, no, s'pose if I was stupid enough to nearly get myself killed we'd have to go to the hospital."

"Right," Sam said unsurely, not mentioning the fact that if his brother was dying he would _have_ to delay Sam going to school, as if his schooling was more important than Dean's own life, and going to the hospital would be a burden. 

It scared Sam how easily he could imagine Dean thinking something like that. His brother never spoke of all the sacrifices he made for him, never mentioning that when Sam had tried to convince his dad to let him play soccer, it was Dean who had told him it was too risky, too much to ask. Sam had only been seven; telling Dean he was a meanie and that if he took his side more often, Sam would actually get to do what he wanted for once.

Dean had hid in his room for the rest of the night, ignoring the fact that Sam was only seven and had simply been upset- also ignoring the fact that an eleven year old shouldn't feel responsible for a child not being able to play sports, especially when an eleven year old was a child himself. But no, eleven years old wasn't a child- eleven years old wasn't too young to take care of a child. Just like eight hadn't been too young to take care of a child, or four when he snuck into his father's room and held Sam after the fire, worried something would harm his baby brother despite his dad's attempted reassurance that he would be okay.

John did love his children, despite Sam's anger with him and Dean's insecurities. He loved his children, and he loved his family- so much so that he had lost a part of himself when one of them died. What was better?

To send your children away so you can almost never see them? Where they could be hurt, unprotected by their father? Or do you take them with you?

Do you train your children and watch them, never letting them make friends so they won't be hurt? Or do you not train them? Do you keep them by your side and lie, and put them in harm’s way because of their ignorance, and innocence? John Winchester didn't know what was correct, and he did the best he could because he thought it was right.

Because he loved them.

He wanted them to be safe, and happy. In John's own twisted, unspoken way he did love them. But that didn't matter.

Because when something isn't spoken, it's never heard at all.

*

"It's stupid really, what point is there in this class anyways?" Dean said irritated.

Cas shrugged, "Likely it is because the school requires a half credit of an art class to graduate."

"Yeah well," Dean paused and sighed, wishing he had a beer to calm down, "I'm not going to graduate anyways."

Cas frowned, tilting his head, "Why would you not graduate? You will, Dean do not-"

"Would you cut it out with the 'believe in yourself' crap? You don't make me feel better, you just piss me off," Dean said tiredly.

Cas shrunk back slightly, "There's no need to be impertinent."

"Cas I'm just- I really can't take any more positive reinforcement right now," Dean said, sighing as he rubbed his face.

"You're angry, “Cas said, not looking at Dean. "You're very angry."

"Yeah Cas," Dean huffed. "I'm freakin pissed!"

He frowned, "Would it help if I made an attempt to console you? If that causes you immense discomfort I will refrain."

"I-" Dean closed his eyes, hands running over the ever darkening circles under his eyes, "Actually, yes Cas. Thank you, for asking- and not assuming, because I really just don't want to talk about it."

"You are welcome," he said solemnly. "Dean, I am curious though- in our time I have spoken of my musical taste- as have you to a more minimal degree, but I have never asked you what your favorite song is. What is it?"

Dean's tired frown lightened and he smiled before speaking animatedly, "It's a tie between 'Ramble On' and 'Traveling Riverside Blues'. Great songs really, both by Led Zeppelin- I also like 'Nobody's Fault but Mine' Zeppelin again, recorded it in '75. It was a cover of a Blind Willie Johnson tune, but it's awesome. I just- Led Zeppelin, man."

Cas' eyes smiled and his face relaxed more in his almost smiling way (something that never failed to interest Dean) and he nodded, "Those are peculiar names, the singer's included."

Dean raised his eyebrows, before smiling, "Singer?"

His smile grew and he chuckled, "Oh, no, Led Zeppelin's a band. Their names were Robert Plant, Jimmy Page, John Bonham, and John Paul John. They were an English rock band too- and they formed in the 60's thought it was the late 60's but, and I mean no disrespect, they were different than The Beatles."

Cas nodded, "Rest assured, no offense has been taken."

"Awesome," Dean replied.

"Dean?"

He turned his head, "Hm?"

"May I inquire something?"

Dean nodded, "Sure thing."

"Would... Would you like to come over?" Cas said cautiously.

Dean raised an eyebrow, leaning forward on his elbows, "You sure?"

"Y-yes, I am secure in this invitation."

Dean sighed contently, "Yeah, Cas. I'd like that."

*  
Homeroom was always a hectic place to be- hell, it drove Dean nuts. Watching seniors run into the classroom, speaking obnoxiously as they pushed past each other to get to their seats. Dean rolled his eyes as Bela strolled into the classroom, students moving aside for her as she glided to her seat.

Cas raised his eyes at Dean's obvious annoyance, waving him over to their seats. As Dean walked to his regular spot the teacher rushed in, blonde hair messy as she closed the door behind her. If homeroom was hell for students, he couldn't imagine what it was for the teachers.

Probably the equivalence of pop music.

Meg raised her eyebrows, cupping her hands around her mouth as she said,"Deano, are you coming over or what?"

Dean rolled his eyes, walking over and then falling into his seat, "Do you have to call me that every time, Meg?"

"Meg has nicknames for everyone," Cas said, not looking up as he turned the page in his anatomy book.

"Oh quit your whining Clarence, you're nicknamed after an angel."

He looked up, frowning as he let out a sigh, "I'm _named_ after an angel."

"Wait, what angel's name is Clarence?" Dean said with confusion.

Cas shrugged, "Apparently it is a traditional Christmas film."

She frowned, "Y'know, Clarence the angel? Every time a bell rings an angel gets its wings?"

Castiel's brow furrowed into his cute frown, "No matter how many times you have informed me of this line, I have never found it to be reasonable. Why would humans be informed of when an angel receives their wings? If it truly takes time to receive them, as you say this movie claims."

Meg frowned, "Well-"

"Hey yeah, why would we care? 'Sides, doesn't Heaven have better things to do than to clanging around with people's instruments? I mean, it's not like it affects us," Dean said with a confused expression.

"Also, how would a human know this? Where could they have possibly heard of how to know when an angel receives their wings? Unless they directly speak to an angel, how that truth came to be known is a mystery to me."

Meg rolled her eyes, "I don't kn-"

"Shouldn't they play a harp or some angelic shit? Maybe you could randomly hear a chorus of angels singing or some shit like that. I mean, bells go with church bells I guess- but I feel like that's kind of a random instrument- and it's not even that cool. If getting your wings is so important, how come you just get the jolt of a little bell? I mean, come on, I'd want an electric guitar to start belting out Led Zeppelin or something cool if I got my wings- not the wimpy jingle of a little bell."

At this point Meg had rested her face in her hand, and said nothing as the conversation went on, only offering a roll of her eyes when the speaking continued.

"He raises a fair point, why is this important to our species? And if it is, why are we not informed of it by more notorious manners- that is not bad a suggestion Dean that sounds lovely. I myself would prefer an orchestra would break out into 'Hallelujah Chorus' in order to fit the mode, or perhaps 'Get Back' this way I would do exactly what The Beatles requested and 'get back to where I once belong'."

Dean clapped his hands together, "Dude! That's a good idea, I've heard that song before- I've heard a few now and then- and that'd be awesome. "

"There's a bunch of songs I want to have played when I die- not like while I'm dying, but at my funeral- and yours makes sense too, course you mean it in a more biblical way but still."

Cas smiled at Dean's enthusiasm, something that made him smile in return, "Yes, Dean. This idea sounds intriguing if a little morbid," he chuckled. "

Now, if we are speaking truthfully- what songs would you have played at your funeral?"

"Hm," Dean said, his lips twisting as he thought. "I feel like if I used 'Highway to Hell' it'd be a bit generic, too many people know that song. Could use 'Another One Bites The Dust' but, hm, I'd probably run into the same problem. Guess it doesn't really matter if it's popular, but I kinda want to find something more me."

Cas paused, before saying, "Perhaps you could use 'Bicycle Race'."

They both burst into laughter at that.

"Hopefully that guy dies before either of us does, or he'll probably burn our corpses or some shit," Dean said with a laugh.

Castiel laughed at that, "Perhaps he'll sing the song as we're buried."

Dean's smile softened, "Yeah."

Holy shit, he was joking about death the day his mom died! What the hell was wrong with him? Dean shook his head, when he was with Cas he just forgot things- for just a few minutes it seemed he could forget everything. Whether or not this was a good thing or a bad thing he wasn't sure- though it did help take the edge off his day.

Cas just had that effect on him, he took the edge off his day- he made him happier, and helped him get through the day. His blue eyes always offering to listen but never demanding he give any answers, he understood when Dean didn't want to talk about things but sometimes Cas asked if he wanted to anyways, not because he was nosy or didn't give a crap that Dean wasn't one for talking- but because he cared.

Because he wanted to know if Dean was okay, Cas made him feel these... things, things that he didn't understand- he was seventeen, he didn't know what those things were. Finding out what they were would be too demanding, too unknown, too much- too much that Dean didn't really understand. He knew he felt these things... things, but he wasn't sure how to deal with them yet.

So for now, he wouldn't try to deal with it. He would sit and watch Cas throw his raven head back, watch his pale flesh crinkle around his blue eyes as Dean made him laugh. And Dean would do it again the next day.

And the next day.

And the next.

And he would do it happily.

*

"Hey Cas!" Sam called happily.

Cas nodded, these lunch encounters having become a daily routine long ago. He would be lying if he said he didn't enjoy speaking with the youngest Winchester. He was talkative and propitious, always seeming so sure of himself, and sanguine- Cas knew he was very smart, and the boy seemed to have a brand of experience he couldn't place, but still, Sam possessed a small flake of innocence Dean did not. However the difference between the Winchesters, Cas still found he savored the older Winchester's presence in a way that was divergent from the way he did Sam's.

"Hello, Sam."

"Hey, I uh- I was wondering, has Dean been... off, around you? When you've seen him today?" Sam asked cautiously.

Cas' eyebrows furrowed, "I suppose that would depend on what you classify as eccentric."

"You know Dean- moody, doesn't talk about stuff, sometimes he spaces out. Cas, I'm worried about him."

The taller boy stood up from the floor, "What reason have you to be worried, Sam? Is he alright? Did something happen to him? If you believe he would not have me aware of whatever the event, I will inquire you again- but I am now also worried."

"Has he given you any reason to be?"

Cas frowned, Dean would not be happy with him divulging information of his emotional stability without his knowledge, "N-no."

Sam sighed, "Cas, you're a really bad liar. I'm just- I'm worried about him, Castiel."

Cas raised his eyebrows at the full name, "How can I be of help?"

"Could you- and I understand if you're hesitant, but would you like to come to lunch with me? Please?"

Cas sighed biting his lip- he had already turned down the request before. Once when Dean was concerned, and upon their first meeting when Sam had invited him to sit with them, and each time he had said no. Would he deny his friend a third time? That seemed rather insolent.

"You do realize what this would mean Sam, correct?"

Dean likely had friends; Cas knew all of their names actually so he was well aware of Dean's social interactions. He had heard many stories of Jo, Charlie, Ash, and Jess and it was plausible they would all be sitting with Dean. They would speak with him, try and include him in conversations- all of them, all at once.

Worse yet, once Cas began attending lunch they would expect him to come back. Every day. How would he be able to keep up with his studies if he didn't have an extra 25 minutes of studying?

Then there would likely be the questions: 'Why didn't you sit with us before?' 'Why didn't we ever see you in the cafeteria?' 'What were you doing if you weren't eating?' 'Why do you study so hard?' 'Why can't you be a normal kid and get over the fact that you were raped six times by your priest you fucking pathetic abomination?'

Oh how Castiel wished he could answer them all.

Really it was an all-around bad idea to agree, really Dean would be fine- surely he would manage on his own. Obviously Cas wouldn't be any help. Really there were no benefits to agreeing to Sam's request.

Really there was no reason he should have said yes.

*

"Dean?" Jo said, looking at him worriedly.

"Hm?"

"Are you okay?"

"M'fine," he said with a sure nod, putting on a smile before turning to swirl his food.

Gosh, what was wrong with him? Here he was and he couldn't be a drama queen for five fucking seconds while his friend Jo- who lost her dad when she was five- was trying to comfort him. How much of a selfish bastard was he?

_Hey Jude, don't make it bad_

Jo shouldn't have to comfort him- because he shouldn't be upset. So what if he'd been the one who helped Sammy get ready when he and Amy Pond when to the dance? So what if his dad left him alone to watch Sam for days since he was eight? So what if Alastair had tortured the shit out of him?

_Take a sad song and make it better_

He was alive. He had Sam, and Jo, and Ash, and Charlie, and his dad, and Cas. That was all he needed, hell, that was more than he deserved. Definitely more than Kevin ever got, or Benny, or Ava, or Nancy, or Daniel, or Christian, or any of the other people he had watched, or left to, die.

_Remember to let her into your heart_

Just like his mom.

_Then you can start to make it better_

His dad was right to be disappointed in him. If Dean wasn't already disappointed in himself, he would be too- too dumb, too cruel, too irresponsible, too much bad luck, too violent, too slutty, too much of a man whore. Dean Winchester was nothing more than a combination of bad character traits that nobody wanted.

Something nobody wanted, he supposed it would only be fitting that this applied to him.  
Honestly, he just needed someone who wouldn't look at him with pitying looks- what the fuck was so bad about his life that Jo and Jess would give him that look?

Sam's concern had been choking him, wherever he was now Dean didn't know- he should probably be a good brother and go find out, but he'd do that in a minute. Charlie and Ash's awkward approach had been a good try, but their shared looks and quieted humor had been obvious and Dean really didn't want to ruin anyone else's happiness, least of all Ash and Charlie- who were always so positive.

"Hey guys," Dean heard Sam say.

Dean looked up at his brother, curious as to why no one had said anything. Then he saw Cas, who was awkwardly standing behind him, looking at Dean with an unsure smile.

Dean felt his emotionless expression stretch into a small smile as he sat up in his seat, "Hey, Cas."

Cas bit his lip unsurely before his eyes smiled, "Hello, Dean."

"Hello Charlie," Castiel said with a nod of his head, biting his lip as he hoped they would go easy on him.

She smiled, nodding, "Hi, Castiel."

"I presume this is Jess- this is Jessica," he said, trepidation causing him to stumble slightly in his dialogue.

"Well, the beautiful one always has to stand out, doesn't she?" Jessica said with a smile.

Castiel chuckled, eyes flickering to Dean before resting back on the girl, "I suppose she does."

"I'm Jo," said the older blonde, reaching out her hand to shake. She smiled, "Think I'm not pretty huh?"

Cas' eyes widened, "Oh, no- that was- that was not what I meant. I think you also to be prepossessing Jo."

She blushed, laughing softly, "I was just kidding, Cas."

He bit his lip, "Oh."

Jo smiled, "But thank you."

Cas nodded, sitting at the empty seat next to Dean. His lips lifted briefly before falling, though it wasn't as fake as it had once been. Sam smiled at the exchange, pulling out the other seat besides the two males.

Ash looked over at Castiel, nodding, "'Sup?"

Castiel frowned, tilting his head at the... expression? Was that regularity said? Or was this another reference?

He tilted his head as his brow furrowed, and his eyes darted over to Dean, questioning what this was.

Dean smiled, "'What's going on'?"

Cas' eyes widened slightly in realization, and he nodded gratefully at Dean before turning to Ash, "Oh, nothing of import I suppose."

Dean smiled at Cas' speech, his eyes gliding over to his friends now and then- seeing if they approved. His friends all seemed happy with Cas, as he had figured they would, but still- it was nice to know they liked Cas. None of them mentioned Cas suddenly appearing, nor did they ask why he hadn't before.

Dean was curious as to Cas' reasoning, but he didn't ask. As he saw the raven haired teenager's blue eyes dart eagerly around the table, taking everyone in, always coming back to rest on Dean- he didn't really care why Cas hadn't come to lunch before, he was just glad he had started.

*  
Study hall proved to be, for once, an eventual class- as Dean had to send Sam an email reminding him that Dean would be dropping him off at Jess'. Really he was just lucky the girl didn't mind, or her parents- or else he'd have probably been screwed. When Dean entered the computer room in the library he knew Cas would be there- and okay, so maybe he had sent Cas a few stupid emails to bug him.

"Dean," Cas said with a frown. "How am I to concentrate when you insist on sending me these obscene pictures?"

"What? You don't like the memes?"

Cas' frown deepened, "More so I do not understand them."

"I don't know, one of 'em kind of reminds me of you."

Cas' brow furrowed as he turned in his computer chair, frowning at Dean, "And which picture is that?"

He grinned, "The grumpy cat."

Cas' brow narrowed deeper, despite Dean having thought that impossible, "Hmph."

Dean laughed.

"Oh, Cas."

*

Dean slowed the car to a stop, looking at the clean, pretty white house before him. "This is the place, right?"

Castiel nodded, quiet as he attempted to hide his disquietude. Earlier when Dean had been upset this had seemed a wise suggestion, but now, sitting before his house, he was not as confident in his previous actions.

Cas exited the car unsurely, not certain if he was to wait for Dean to get out of the car or not. Hopefully not, as he had been previously told a multitude of times of his social ineptitude. He pulled out his house key, quietly opening the door as Dean walked up the porch steps.

"Where's Anna?" Dean asked as he followed Cas through the door.

"I believe she saw your invitation to drive me home as an opportunity to go out," Cas replied.

The note left on the table confirmed his beliefs, and Cas' lips rose and fell as he realized he and Dean had the home to their selves.

He turned to the other teen enthusiastically, "Well Dean, what would you like to do?"

Dean bit his lip, "Want to watch another movie?"

Cas nodded, "Yes that sounds pleasant, it would be nice to be able to understand more of your references as to the current number I understand: none."

Dean laughed, "Sure thing, Cas."

Cas' eyes did the thing (which may or not have made Dean smile) as they walked over to the TV, pulling out they DVDs within the cabinets. Dean took out a number of movies, surprised yet again when he saw the vast amount of films within the cabinets.

"Gabriel often makes his own references, most of these movies are his," Cas explained.

"And you've never watched any of 'em?" Dean said with a frown.

"In order to do that I would have to bother Gabriel," Cas said nonchalantly.

"He a dick or something?"

"Quite the contrary," Cas said as he looked down at another film. "He is a kind brother, but I am not comfortable asking him for things."

"Oh."

Dean didn't comment on the lack of emotions Cas displayed, seeing as he was too uncomfortable to ask his brother if he could borrow a freakin' movie. Perhaps it was because Dean was so used to being with Sam, but it was hard for him to imagine any brotherhood where you weren't friends with one another. Stressed, he understood- but this cold, awkward, discomfort Cas seemed to have with his family was foreign to Dean.

"How about this?" Cas said, holding up a Western movie.

Dean's eyes lit up, "You have a Clint Eastwood movie?!"

"Movies. You mentioned them once in passing."

Dean frowned, "You remembered that? That was like, weeks ago."

Cas nodded, "Yes, I remembered. Would you like to watch it?"

He grinned, "Sure, Cas!"

As the movie progressed, with Clint Eastwood being awesome as usual, Dean found he was as fascinated with watching the movie as he was Cas' reaction to it. At first, Cas was quiet- clasping his hands together as he sat up in is chair, watching the screen expectantly as the movie began. However, as the film progressed Cas relaxed in his seat, eyes wide as he watched the plot unfold with a happy expression.

Joe Kidd was everything Dean knew him to be: daring, adventurous, badass, and totally awesome. When the movie finished, Cas was watching the screen with a please look on his face- thanking Dean for watching it with him. Dean only smiled, saying it was his idea in the first place.

"Hey Cas?" Dean asked nonchalantly, "I'm willing to bet your legs are kinda tired- what do you wanna do now?"

"Would you like to come up to my room and listen to my CDs?" Cas asked unsurely.

Dean nodded, "Sure."

He followed Cas up the carpeted green stairs, then down the hall to another room, this one far larger than any of the others. Dean was met with four beds, two matching black and white bed spreads, another bed spread covered in candy, and finally a blue and white colored bed which he assumed to be Cas'. The blue room was large, appearing slightly bigger than the size of an average classroom.

"Nicer room," Dean said as the two approached Cas' bed.

"Thank you," Cas said as he plugged in his radio, pulling out a CD.

Dean smiled, sitting down on the small bed. Things with Cas were so fun, and relaxed, and despite being worried earlier about hanging out with someone on his mom's anniversary- he found the guilt was mostly gone, having been forgotten when he saw Cas' smile. Cas pushed the top down, and the cd began to spin, a clear voice playing over the speakers.

_"Hey Jude"_

Dean's eyes widened, "Turn it off."

Cas looked at him with surprise.

_"Don't-"_

"Turn it off!"

Cas scrambled for the player, his finger slapping against the button. The clear voice cut off abruptly, the only sound echoing in the room being Cas' slap of the button. Dean sighed, running his hands through his hair- god, what had he done?

_Be afraid_

Great. He'd finally found someone he really liked being with, and he'd screwed everything up. Dean wiped his face with hands, standing up, knowing he had made Cas uncomfortable- but hey what else was new? When didn't he fuck things up?

_You were made to go out and get her_

"I've gotta go," he said, stuffing his hands in his leather jacket as he walked out.

_The minute you let her under your skin_

"Dean, wait!" Cas said, stumbling to his feet as he hurried after Dean.

_Then you begin to make it better_

"I'm sorry, Cas, I gotta go," Dean said as he went down the stairs.

_And anytime you feel the pain, hey Jude, refrain_

"Dean," Cas said calmly as he too hurried down the stairs.

_Don't carry the world upon your shoulders_

Dean shook his head, knowing his stupid sappy sob story would just annoy Cas, he'd just have to cut him loose before Cas could do that to him, “No, Cas- I just- I just gotta go."

_For well you know that it's a fool who plays it cool_

The worst part, he didn't want to.

_By making his world a little colder_

He opened the door, ignoring Cas' protests.

_Hey Jude, don't let me down_

"My mother died."

_You have found her, now go and get her_

Dean paused in walking out the door, turning around to face Cas, " _What_?"

_Remember to let her into your heart_

Cas bit his lip, but ignored his discomfort and went on, "My mother. She died. I was just a baby- I don't really remember her. But... you... you never speak of yours. Granted I never speak of mine either but- yes, she passed. You... you seem uncomfortable with the subject and I simply want you to know, I also lack a mother in my life."

_Then you can start to make it better_

"I have no idea if this is your reasoning for being upset, but this is what I perceive to be the reasoning behind your troubles. I am sorry if I have made you uncomfortable by bringing this up, but I- I wanted you to know you're not alone."

_So let it out and let it in, hey Jude, begin_

"How-" Dean frowned, closing the door behind him as he walked back into the house, "How did you know that?"

_You're waiting for someone to perform with_

"I- I... I know you," Cas said with a frown, cocking his head, "I believe. I hesitate to say so, but I do- I don't know if this also causes you discomfort, but I believe I know you to a certain degree. I know when you're upset, or happy, or thinking of the past, or trying to pretend to be happy when truly you are not."

_And don't you know that it's just you, hey Jude, you'll do_

Dean cleared his throat, rubbing the back of his neck as his eyes moved to the floor, "Uh, no Cas- that's okay. I... I think I know you too."

_And don't you know that it's just you, hey Jude, you'll do_

Cas' eyes smiled softly, "I am glad."

_The movement you need is on your shoulder_

Dean walked over to the living room, sitting on the red chair, "I...I'm glad to know you, Cas."

_Hey Jude, don't make it bad_

Cas smiled then, the corner of his lips lifting slightly, "As am I to you, Dean Winchester."

_Take a sad song and make it better_

"My mom used to sing that song y'know," Dean said, his eyes taking on a distant look. "'Hey Jude'."

_Remember to let her under your skin_

"It is a very pretty song," Cas said softly, looking at Dean from the front hall.

Dean smiled, "It is, isn't it?"

_Then you'll begin to make it better_

Cas moved into the living room, sitting next to him, "Yes it is."

_Better better better better better better, oh_

"Y'know, when I first met you- and I learned you liked The Beatles, I couldn't help but think of her- I don't say that to creep you out, I just- I don't know. You made me feel this... ease. You were familiar to me in a way, and I'd never even met you," Dean said with a soft smile. 

_Na na na na na_

Cas looked at the teenager, surprise masking his typically stern features- in Dean's own way, he had said more than Cas had hoped to hear. Truly it was incredibly out of character for Dean, but Cas didn't think about that. 

_Na na na na na_

He just smiled.

_Na na na, hey Jude..._


	14. Michelle

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> John comes to visit. Anna is hiding something. Cas joins everyone for lunch once more. Dean has a nightmare.
> 
> WARNING: Graphic depictions of bodies and/or body parts, John Winchester being an ass, and a few Dean Winchester tears.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've made numerous mental notes, and this is an edit so I STILL didn't remember at first! But I would like to thank everyone for all the comments, kudos, and bookmarks! Over 70 kudos, 170 comments, and 10 bookmarks- seriously, thank you everyone. This is my first fic and I really appreciate all the support. 
> 
> Also, a chapter or so ago I had someone new comment on my fic and I just wanted to let everyone know that that's totally cool- don't be shy, it's cool.
> 
> I won't hold you any longer- assuming anyone reads these in the first place- so read on!

'Of course, as usual, dad had to ruin everything,' Sam thought grumpily.

John Winchester had decided to visit his boys again- something Dean was very happy about, but this was covered with Dean's stern frown and a 'hello, sir'. John had said nothing of his past departures, only nodding back at his sons.

Not that Dean would have asked anyways, after all, it was none of his business where his father had been these past few days.

"Dean, where is Sam?" John asked when he first enterd the gross, run down, dingy white apartment.

It was a stark contrast from other people's white houses. Cas' house was a pure, clean white and looked well cared for- not a random little apartment strung along the rest of the apartment buildings. Despite being far nicer than many of Dean's past stays- the car, dirty motels, crumbling abandoned houses- he was still ashamed of his excuse of a home.

Their small two bedroom apartment had one bathroom, a kitchen, and a very, very small attempt of a living room. There was a small, square, black and white tv, a shower with mostly cold water, and a heater that would shut itself off- this was the apartment's best electrical and plumbing features, and it was sad that they had suffered worse.

The dirty, faded steps to the second floor led to their small, cluttered, ugly shared bedroom, as well as John's room. The bottom of the small set of stairs lead them directly to the front door, and when John had first turned the key and entered through it Dean had pulled out his gun in a flash, having told Sam to hide in the bathroom and lock the door- which, despite his wish to help, Sam had done. Fortunately, it was their dad- although their dad's attention made Dean both very happy, and very, very nervous.

Dean's spine automatically straightened under his father's gaze, standing to his full height. Despite being 6'1, Sam, now at 6' (the guy really needed to slow down) was basically as tall as Dean was- and Dean was sure his brother would surpass him eventually. Just like with everything else, and his dad would notice too- he always noticed.

His dark lips fumbled around the words as he attempted to speak, hoping not to anger his father. It was too easy for Dean, he always upset him no matter how hard he tried.

Dean ran his foot along the dark, crusty green carpet, "Um, h-he-"

John sighed, "Dean, I asked you a question. Answer."

Dean gulped, looking down at the ground as he felt his father's gaze, "...He's upstairs, in our room, sir."

John nodded once before walking up the creaky old stairs.

"Sam!" He called out.

The door opened, and Sam poked his head out with a frown, "Yes?"

"Don't be so disrespectful Sam," John chided harshly.

He sighed, raising his eyebrows,"Yes, _sir_?"

"I've been home not five minutes, and already I've seen attitude from you. Why am I not surprised?" He clicked his tongue before calling down the stairs, "Dean!"

Dean rushed up the stairs, "Yes, sir?"

"Where has Sam picked up this attitude?" He snapped. "Have you been setting a bad example?"

Dean looked at the ground, "No, sir."

"Oh," John said condescendingly. "Well since _you've been so perfect_ ,do you mind telling me why this house is trashed?"

"I'm sorry sir. I've been working at the garage a lot lately, and I haven't had much time to-"

"What, be _around_ once in a while?" He asked harshly.

Dean's eyes dropped to the ground, he frowned, trying to cover up his hurt as he choked on an, "I'm sorry."

John sighed, "You're always sorry. I don't have time for this, Dean. Go clean up."

He nodded, rushing down the stairs to do as his father had asked. John sighed, he really needed to get Dean to grow up- take care of things once in a while. The man turned around, frowning as he saw his younger son's startled expression.

"What? The house is a mess," he snapped. "Now, have you been practicing shooting like I told you?"

"Combat as well," Sam said wearily.

"Watch your attitude," John said sharply, turning to go down the stairs. "Speak respectfully in my presence."

"Well it's so rarely here I guess I've forgotten how," Sam snapped.

John stopped, not turning around as he said, "Go to your room! Now. Before I lose my temper."

Sam rolled his eyes before going back to his room, his dad acted like being alone would be a punishment. If their dad really wanted to make Sam suffer, he'd simply make Sam stay with him. As Sam closed the door with an 'ugh', he heard his dad yelling for Dean, and the quick skidding of his brother's feet as he rushed to please their dad.

It wasn't fair, what right did their dad have to push them around? What excuse did he have to treat them like children? It didn't matter how often he barked out orders, he still wasn't a real dad. He'd never be a real dad.

Because they weren't a real family.

*

_Michelle, ma belle_

"Really he shouldn't even _be_ here," Naomi said calmly in the kitchen.

_These are words that go together well_

Cas bit hit lip, finishing making his brother's beds before moving on to cleaning up another part of the room. Naomi thought she was so sneaky, so careful and smart- which she was, but Castiel's hearing had only become better as time passed. He had grown accustomed to hushed voices, angry tones speaking his name.

_My Michelle_

He knew how to pick apart conversations of himself, he had heard them too many times from his uncle Zachariah, his brothers, his cousins, classmates- with the right push everyone had something to say about Castiel Novak.

_Michelle, ma belle_

"This is his home," Anna growled from downstairs. "Where else would would you have him go, Naomi?"

_Sont les mots qui vont tres bien ensemble_

"Somewhere that wants him," she hissed.

_Tres bien ensemble_

"You don't mean that," Anna snapped. "He lives here, this is his home- this is where he's studied, played, slept, ate- this is where his life is." He heard a shaky intake of breath, "You _cannot_ take that away from him."

Cas heard Naomi step forward, presumably towards Anna, and he stuck his head out his door to hear her voice which had dropped to a whisper.

He walked to the white staircase, hiding behind the light green wall as Naomi spoke.

" _Some things_ ," she hissed, "that are born in this house... _don't_ belong."

"We both know what you're talking about," Cas heard Anna say. "But that is not Castiel. He belongs, he is a part of this family."

"Anna, your word means nothing in this house- least of all when speaking of those who don't belong, we both know you're only too eager to prove outcasts fit in here."

"Now, don't you have a brat to take to school?" Naomi questioned, and Cas could hear the smirk on her face as she said, "Run and get him now."

*

"Thanks for driving us dad," Dean said weakly.

John nodded, eyes never leaving the road as his grip tightened on the impala's wheel.

Sam eyed his brother wearily from the backseat, knowing how important the car was to Dean. Apparently Dean hadn't been taking very good care of the car, if their dad's reaction was anything to go by.

"Hey, Dean," John had said before they got in the car.

Dean's head snapped up to look at his father, an expectant look on his face. He raised his eyebrows, a small smile in his mouth- dad hadn't been yelling!

John frowned, "Why don’t you touch up your car before you get rust? I wouldn’t have given you the damn thing if I thought you were gonna ruin it."

Dean's small smile had fallen as quickly as it had come, "Yes, sir."

John slowed the car down in front of the school, looking at the boys expectantly as Dean hurried to unbuckle. Dean opened the door and skid out if his seat, making room for Sam to get out of the car. Sam climbed out of the car with a glare, not saying a word to their dad.

Dean waved goodbye to his dad, and called out "Thanks for driving us dad," as the car drove off.

Sam scoffed, turning to the school and adjusting his book bag on his shoulders before walking. Dean sighed and followed his little brother to the school, hoping Sam's mood wouldn't last for long. Perhaps Jess would lighten his mood, or one of their other friends.

Cas chose that particular moment to appear by Dean's side, something that still both startled and intrigued him to this day. You'd think after four months he'd get used to it, but apparently not since it still freaked the shit out of him. The raven haired man looked at Dean and Sam as they approached Sam's locker, and walked over to see them.

"Hello Dean, Sam," Cas said as he joined their walk, falling in step with the two brothers.

"Hi, Cas," Sam said glumly.

Dean smiled at him, "Hey, Cas. 'Scuse Sammy, he's been pissy all morning."

"Quit calling me that," Sam said irritatedly.

Dean rolled his eyes, "Would you quit being a bitch?"

Sam glared, "Would you quit being a jerk?"

Cas frowned, "Perhaps you would feel better after conversing with Jessica?"

Sam glared as Dean smirked at Cas' suggestion, "And why would that make me feel any better?"

Cas raised his eyebrows, "Well, you seem to revere her if I am speaking in the most minuscule degree. I did not mean to offend you Sam, it is simply that you lionize this winsome associate of yours."

Dean frowned, before looking at Cas with a raise of his eyebrows.

Cas' eyes smiled, "'You idolize your attractive friend'."

Dean laughed, "Oh, well I suppose he does."

Sam rolled his eyes, "Thanks, Cas."

He frowned, cocking his head, "What? I was only stating my postulate."

Dean nodded with a frown, "Yeah Sam, he was only stating his postulate, sheesh."

Cas frowned, "You're an ass."

_I love you, I love you, I love you_

Dean smirked, "Who's obsessed now?"

_That's all I want to say_

"I-" Cas paused, folding his arms as he glared at Dean, "Hmph."

Dean smiled, even though he'd never tell him, Cas was really cute when he was grumpy. Sam noticed the smile on Dean's face, and his previous glare broke out into a smirk- which caused Dean to glare in return. Cas notice this exchange and chuckled, always having thought the two Winchester's to have a somewhat humorous relationship.

_Until I find a way_

"If this troubles you both, perhaps something else?" Cas said with the hint of a smile, his eyes lit up, "Why don't you two drive in your impala, Dean? That always seems to cheer you up."

_I will say the only words I know that_

Dean's glare only deepened, "If only."

_You'll understand_

Sam laughed.

_My Michelle_

*

"You know, it's really not my fault," Charlie said in an annoyance. "I don't have a car- what does she want me to do? I mean sheesh, I'm not Gandalf, i can't just call an eagle to take me places. I'm stuck in this stud state, and she's stuck in hers. I mean, how come _I_ never get to give _Dorothy_ crap about this?"

Dean shrugged, "Hey man, I don't know- chicks are crazy."

Charlie frowned, raising her eyebrows from the plastic chair next to him.

"Oh, right, sorry. I mean, we're talking about chicks so it kinda slipped out," Dean said. "I'm used to talking to dudes about this."

She shrugged, "Meh, whatever. So, Dean....about Cas... am I allowed to ask, or...?"

Dean shrugged as well, "I don't know- he just started showing up."

The redhead raised her eyebrows, Well do you think he's going to show up again?"

"I hope so, he seemed to be in a pretty good mood in first hour, and in homeroom, called me may belle I think, got no clue what that means," Dean said with another shrug of his shoulders. "I mean, I don't see why he wouldn't show."

Charlie shrugged, "Who knows. Besides, he's your man, not mine."

Dean frowned, "Hey! He is not my man."

She nodded apologetically, "Sorry, you're right. He's not your man."

Dean nodded.

Charlie broke out into a grin, "Obviously you're his."

Dean groaned, "Fuck you, Charlie."

"Sorry, not my type."

He rolled his eyes, but laughed, "That's not what I meant."

She grinned, her eyes flickering to their teacher to see if he had noticed, "I know."

The teenager's boring math teacher continued to point at the whiteboard, oblivious to their humor. Charlie and Dean both thought it hilarious that their teacher had yelled at them the first time they had started talking- when it was only about Star Wars- but had never caught them when they talked about girls that they thought were hot.

This never failed to amuse Dean, as he spent most of his math classes talking to the redhead besides him. Honestly, he was lucky that the girl he goofed off with was a genius, or else he'd probably be failing the class.

"You know, one of these days our math teacher's actually going to pay us some attention again, and then we'll be screwed."

Charlie paled, "Well I should hope not, he's not my type either."

Dean laughed, "That's not what I meant _either_. But I'm glad that's what you're most worried about."

"Hey, what can I say? I have a thing for brunettes," Charlie said with a shrug.

"Okay, Flynn Rider," Dean said with a smirk.

His eyes quickly widened and he slapped a hand over his mouth, realizing what he had just said. Charlie sat up in her green chair, folding her arms as she smirked at the teenager she shared the large desk with. Dean's big eyes fell to the floor, and he out an arm up, resting his face on it as he turned away from Charlie.

Her smirk only grew, "You liked it."

Dean frowned, "I did not like it."

Charlie smiled, pointing at him, "You did, you liked it! Dean Winchester watched a Disney movie and he loved it! Hell, you just quoted it! Oh, this is it- that's the sign, you liked it."

Dean's frown grew into a glare, "I did not."

She grinned, "You loved it!"

He sighed, his expression quickly changing from denial to annoyance, "Alright, alright, I liked it okay!"

"Ha, I told you to watch it and you said you'd never- that you didn't want to watch something like that, but you watched it. You watched it, and you never told me! And you liked watching it!"

"Ms. Bradbury!" Their teacher thundered from the front of the room, "What problem are we on?"

"Uh," she paused, "Chapter 4 Section 1, number 23."

The teacher paused, and glared at her, saying one word before turning back to the board, "Correct."

Dean shook his head, "Sheesh, guy doesn't get mad often but when he does you!/ better watch out."

Charlie shrugged, dropping her voice to a whisper, "I mean, you can't really blame the guy. To the untrained eye, it sounded like we were talking about porn."

Dean stifled his laughter as the teacher began the next problem.

*

"Cas, aren't you coming?" Sam asked expectantly, looking at the sitting senior.

"I went yesterday," Cas said dismissedly.

"Well, yeah, but... now it's another day, Cas," Sam said with a frown. "Aren't you gonna eat with us again?"

Cas raised his eyebrows, "And why would I do that?"

Sam's frown deepened, "Well... because. I mean, everybody liked you- and Dean and I will still be sitting there, and I'm pretty sure you like us. Oh, and Charlie will be there! Don't you two have computers together? I mean, we all really like you Cas, and I mean... Well, I guess I just thought you liked us too," he said with a slight shrug of his shoulders, looking down at the teenager unsurely.

"I do like you and your brother," Cas said, eyes still on his history book as he flipped the page.

"Well, I- I'm glad you do, but don't you want to sit with us?"

Cas shrugged, "I would very much enjoy to accompany you to lunch, Sam. Unfortunately, I simply do not have enough time."

Sam sighed, "Come on, Cas. It's your senior year, couldn't you loosen up just a little?"

Cas returned Sam's sigh, though it was far deeper and longer than Sam's, "Fine. Fine, Sam Winchester. I will sit with you and your brother and listen intently to what everyone has done today. Will that make you happy?"

Sam grinned, "Yes, yes it will."

Cas rolled his dark blue eyes, "I thought little brothers were supposed to annoy their older siblings only."

Sam laughed, "Hey, we're family- the least I can do is annoy you."

Cas' lips rose and fell as Sam helped him to his feet. The two walked down the hall, and began walking down the small set of stairs before Cas turned to Sam.

"If you are supposedly my younger brother, this would make me the older brother I presume, correct?"

Sam shrugged, "I guess so."

Cas' face softened into an almost smile, "Then I have one question."

Sam raised his eyebrows, "Sure."

"May I address you as... 'Bitch'?"

Sam laughed.

*

Dean was talking to Jo about the still surprising miracle that Ash was in a bunch of honors classes, when he saw Sam walk into the cafeteria. This was a normal occurrence, as Sam usually stopped to talk to a teacher or two before coming to lunch, but that wasn't what surprised him. What did surprise him, was that Cas was walking right next to him!

_Michelle, ma belle_

Dean felt his mood perk at the sight before him, and he smiled. As he'd told Charlie earlier, it'd only make sense that Cas would show up to lunch again- but truthfully he wasn't sure himself if the guy would turn up. As easy as it was to be around Cas, he was also really different, and occasionally he would pull away from Dean with no warning.

_Sont les mots qui vont tres bien ensemble_

It always made Dean feel guilty, like he'd messed up but hadn't meant to, or known, that he had. Whenever this happened, Cas usually said he was sorry a lot- and that Dean had nothing wrong. This was one of the many things that showed Dean something was up with Cas.

_Tres bien ensemble_

Not that he'd ever ask- wasn't any of his business in the first place.

_I need to, I need to, I need to_

When the two brunettes sat down at the table, Dean smirked, not having missed their height. Since Sam had continued to grow, the sasquatch, Sam and Cas were now evenly matched in height, both now 6'0.

_I need to make you see_

Dean smirked at Cas, "Well look who's as tall as a freshman," he said gleefully.

_Oh, what you mean to me_

Cas raised his eyebrows, "That's a lovely high horse you have come into possession of Dean, you might want to get off it so Sam can show you he's nearly taller than you as well."

_Until I do I'm hoping you will_

Sam laughed as Dean's smirk fell, "Hey I'm 6'1!"

_Know what I mean_

"Of course you are, and in less than four months Sam has grown an inch," Cas said calmly. "You may want to start looking into high heels, Dean."

_I love you_

The girls joined in on Sam's laughter, as Ash merely shook his head at Dean with an apologetic smile. Despite Dean's grumbling about the group, he couldn't help but be smile, knowing that Cas was happy.

"Sorry compadre, dude's got a point," Ash said with a smile.

"Hey, Cas?" Jo said.

Cas directed his attention towards Jo, his body and folded hands turning slightly to face her, "Yes?"

"You know what club you should join?"

Cas frowned, "No. Which should I participate in?"

Dean glared at Jo, "Don't say it."

Charlie grinned, "The 'let's turn on Dean club'."

Everyone at the table -except Dean- laughed. Well, Cas smiled softly, only barely chuckling, but the intent was the same. Dean rolled his eyes at the annoying group of dumbasses he sat with.

"You know, that joke really isn't that funny," Dean said with a sigh.

"I don't know," Jess said, her lips pulled up and slightly to the side, "I thought it was pretty funny."

He rolled his eyes once more, "Yeah, because you think you're hilarious."

Jess smiled, "Hey, gotta give credit where credits due- even if that's to myself."

Dean laughed, "Good job, Sam."

Sam frowned, "Good job with what?"

Dean shook his head, catching Cas' eye who's eyes softened knowingly, "nothing," Dean said with a smile, he and Cas sharing a knowing grin.

*

"Have you practiced yet today, Sammy?" John barked out to his son from the table, drink in hand.

Sam flinched, "Dean calls me that." He frowned, "You never do."

John shrugged, "Can't your father call you by the name he gave you once in a while?"

"Hey it's-it's just a nickname, " Dean chuckled, "Come on you guys, don't have to fight over everything."

John's glare caused Dean to lose any sign of emotion, he nodded and was silent, knowing his input was not wanted or helpful.

"I don't know, can he? Doesn't seem like he's around long enough to get used to it," Sam snapped.

"You know what Sam, I'm tired of this!" John shouted, throwing his glass down. "This disrespect is unacceptable!"

"I thought you said respect had to be earned!" Sam shouted back, "You always treat me like a kid, shove my feelings aside! Why should I be any different to you?!"

"Because I'm your father dammit and I hunt down monsters so you don't have to!"

"So I must have just imagined all those people I saw die!" Sam shouted, fury spreading through him, "All those times I practiced hunting and killing, when Dean had to stay up for days when you left because he was afraid the monsters would get us! What are you protecting us from dad? Huh?!"

Sam glared at John, "Because honestly, the only thing that scares me here is you."

Dean's eyes widened, and he shook his head.

John's head snapped to look at him, "Something to say Dean?!"

Dean shrunk in on himself, "N-no sir."

"Frankly I think you're full of shit," John snapped. "I think you've been talking to Sam about this, I think you need to do a better job taking care of your brother!"

Dean was silent, looking at the ground, and John glared at him.

"Look at me!" He screamed.

Dean's head snapped up, fear coiling around his irises.

"What's your job?!" John thundered.

"To take care of Sam," he said weakly.

"Then do a better job!" John thundered.

Dean nodded, tucking his head into his chin and hurrying up the stairs, slamming he and Sam's bedroom door behind him.

*

_Dean sighed as he watched the water drip from the rusty pipes. Alastair could easily have the pipe fixed, after all he was basically in charge around here, but he liked to have others stare at the dripping water. Watch them imagine the delicious taste of rust coated water dripping on their hot tongues._

_Because with Alastair, every moment was torture. Whether he was at your side cutting into your flesh, or viciously slaughtering someone in front of you. There was never peace._

_Never._

_Only death, and pain, and despair. Streams of rusted blood over cold, bruised slit necks left to rot in others cells. As awful and unique as Dean's torture was, awaking to the first body had been the most unexpected of all._

_Dean had expected it. The pain, the burning, the slicing and the breaking, and screams of other people. But awaking to see someone else, a free woman- unbound, sleeping on the floor, he had been so hopeful. He still remembered the heartbreaking cruelty, the humiliation as he had realized how truly alone he was._

_Dean had awoken to someone screaming in another cell, a common occurrence, when he saw the woman,_

_A pale, dark haired woman, in a faded white dress._

_The teenager's eyes had lit up, someone was saved. Someone was alive! He hadn't know who this woman was, but Dean had to save her- finally, he could help someone in this awful Hell he was forced into. Dean's face had broken out into a small smile as he pulled himself over to her, she probably had children, siblings, parents, someone who loved her. He had to get the woman back to them!_

_Dean pulled himself forward with his one unbroken arm, hissing as his leg was pulled over a sharp rock, further exposing his torn leg._

_"Hey," he said hoarsely. "Hey, you gotta wake up." He dragged himself further, coughing around his bruised and dry throat._

_"I don't know why they left you in here, but you're unchained- we can save you," he had grinned, "it's not too late!"_

_He pictured the woman, her white dress flowing as she was reunited with her family. The happiness, the laughter, oh something he had been deprived of for so long! Dean's soul dared to hope as he looked down at the sleeping body, she would be okay! He could help her!_

_The teenager's smile only grew as he came closer to the woman. Finally, some hope! Deam felt a small tear run down his cheek as he realized that this woman would get away. She'd get away, she'd live! And prosper! Of course, he'd have to think of a plan- but finally! He could help people again!_

_Dean dragged himself the final amount, and laid a hand against the woman's pale shoulder,_

_Cold._

_He drew back slightly with a gasp, "No...." He pulled himself closer once more, refusing to believe it he weakly said, "You can't be-"_

_Her body rolled over, showing her white dress, the front covered in dark, thick, oozing blood. The woman's blood leaked onto his hand and he gasped, pulling back sharply. The white dress's front was sliced apart and burnt, ash, and death, and blood the only visible thing besides the soft lining of white around her stomach, the only remnants of her dress._

_Her eyes had been crushed, leaving oozing liquid and crushed irises in it's path. Parts of her eyes were trailing down her face, white and red smeared across her cheeks. Dean could seem from the few uncrushed parts of her eyes. Her eyes had been brown._

_Like Sammy's._

_And she was wearing a white dress, covered in blood._

_Like his mother._

_He choked out a sob, before covering his mouth to stifle the noise- not wanting Alastair to come back. When Dean pulled back his hand to quiet himself, he realized he had pulled back his bloody hand. The taste of warm, thick, tangy blood filled his mouth and he pulled is hand back with a gag._

_The sob he was choking on turned into real choking. He was eating death. He had been inhaled and tasted fire, and ash, and blood, and pain. And the woman was dead. He was no hero. He couldn't save anyone, he'd never be able to save anyone again._

_His broken body shook softly, tears flowing down his dirty cheeks as he tried to rid himself of the taste of death._

_Dean heard a sound then, a cruel, dark, laughter from outside his cell._

_He tried to stand, scrambling to his torn legs, but fell in a sad mess of limbs to the ground. Dean pulled himself backwards, groaning as his hands once again pressed into the rough, edgy, sharp floor of rock. He pathetically pushed himself backwards, attempting to hide himself from whoever was coming._

_Alastair swung the door open, the thick, solid gray door smashing against the woman!/ body with a squelch._

_Dean gasped as the body crunched against the wall, him shaky hands raising to quiet himself. He covered his mouth with the clean hand- rather, cleaner- not wishing to taste death once more._

_Alastair laughed again, looking at his pathetic body that lay against the ground._

_The man clapped his hands, still laughing mockingly, "You know," he said once his laughter had quieted down for a short moment, "The thing I love about this place... is I get to see different reactions. Everyday. Some people faint, those aren't too much fun. Some scream. Some refuse to look at the body because they've lost hope."_

_Alastair laughed again, "But you-" he paused to wipe a tear from his face before chuckling, "you... Your reaction... your reaction was one of the best I've seen.... In a long time."_

_The lights in the cell- which Dean hadn't even known existed- blared to life, and he shouted at the sudden brightness. Dean covered his dirty, cut up face with his broken arm, eyes squeezing shut in an attempt to block out the light._

_Dean had heard others laughing, and felt shame creep up his spine._

_Other men and women walked into his cell, staring down at his pathetic form. Heat crept up his already burning face, the humiliation of their trick sinking into him._

_"Oh," Alastair had said with a laugh, "You were so hopeful. I haven't had that much fun in a while, I think I almost liked that better than slicing into your ribs. And that was pretty fun."_

_"'She's alive!' 'I can help her!'" A woman said mockingly, laughing as she stepped closer to the teenager._

_She wiped a tear from his cheek and he pulled away sharply, growling. He might be broken, and burnt, and cut open every hour, but he would not be touched by this demon woman. The action displeased her, and her mocking smile fell for a moment, before drawing itself up again._

_She knelt down to his height and he shrunk away with a glare. The woman grabbed his face roughly, "What? You broken, bruised, cut up fifteen year old child? You think you're better than me? A child whose been formed into a plaything?! I don't think so."_

_The blonde drew herself closer to him, "I don't think so."_

_Alastair laughed, "Now, now Ruby. I have work to do, leave the animal alone."_

_Dean glared at the man, before saying roughly in a horse voice, "Go to Hell."_

_Alastair laughed once more, kneeling down and pulling the teenager's in by his bruised neck until Dean was mere inches away from him, "Why, my boy... We're already there."_

*

"Dean!" Cas shouted, shaking him.

He shot up in bed, breathing in deeply.

"Cas?" He asked horsely.

"I've been over before and shown to have positive affects, Sam thought it'd be helpful if I spoke to you earlier- but you fell asleep," Cas said softly, easing Dean back against the bed.

Dean nodded softly, ignoring the heat, and pain, and soreness of his throat. He'd lost it, he'd lost everything, he'd lost everyone. But Cas was here now. Warmth, kindness, blue eyes, soft smiles, white dress shirts everyday, social awkwardness, big words, that ugly trench coat, sass, raven hair, love.

Cas.

_I want you, I want you, I want you_

Dean flung his arms around Cas, wrapping his shaking arms around him as he breathed in deeply. He could feel himself shaking violently against the man as he tried to calm his breathing. Dean's arms knocked against each other and he held onto Cas like a life preserver.

_I think you know by now_

"C-c-Cas, it-it was- I was so alone, and so- it was awful," Dean said weakly, his throat still feeling dry. "It was real, and I- I- it was awful."

"It's okay, I know what happened was a memory. I know you're scared it'll happen again, but you need to know that I will fight with every fiber in my body to keep you happy," Cas said softly, arms hesitantly wrapping around Dean.

_I'll get to you somehow_

Dean frowned, genuinely confused that someone would fight for his happiness, "Why?"

_Until I do I'm telling you so_

"Because I- because, because I... I care about you," Cas said softly. "Whatever happened, I'll do my best not to let it happen again."

Dean nodded into Cas' shirt, tears leaking down his face and onto the crumpled dress shirt of his- his... friend. His shoulders shook as he remembered the dead woman in the ground, as he remembered the burns, and the cuts, the slashes, the ripping, the fire, the starvation, the thirst, the bullets and the bruises and the mocking laughter.

Dean's stomach lurched, "Can we please not talk about it anymore?"

Cas nodded, "Of course."

_You'll understand_

Dean noticed he and Cas were still hugging, but didn't want to pull away. He was still shaking, and this awkward realization only made things worse. Cas seemed to sense his discomfort because he turned to him, raising his eyebrows.

"Cas I- I'm sorry, I can't talk right now. Listen man, I didn't mean to drag you from your house to here me cry about a bad dream I had," Dean said with a scoff, "you don't have to stay."

"I want to."

Dean nodded his heated face against Cas' shoulder, "Okay," he said weakly.

It was silent for a moment before he heard the low murmur of singing besides him, taking some of the intensity away.

"Michelle, ma belle", Cas sung softly.

Dean's head perked slightly, before easing back onto Cas' head, sighing softly as he listened to the man sing.

"Sont les mots qui vont tres bien ensemble."

"Tres bien ensemble."

_I will say the only words I know_

Cas continued to sing the French quietly, and Dean felt his eyes closing softly as he listened to the soft voice, easing his nerves. Even though Cas hadn't spoken in a language he could understand, he still appreciate the gesture. He still appreciated Cas.

He still... cared about Cas.

_That you'll understand, my Michelle_


	15. Anna

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dean and Cas speak of presents, we learn more of what happened when Castiel went to visit Dean, the tension between Anna and Naomi continues to grow.
> 
> We find out why.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello everyone, sorry the update is a day later Han I said it would be. I was up last night at 11 trying to finish, but I was exhausted so I figured better to have the chapter written the way I wanted and late than choppy and unsatisfactory but on time.

_Anna_

"You know he's visiting, you know he's visiting- and yet you _insist_ on staying," Naomi hissed. "Why?"

Anna sighed, "Because, unlike you, I care about my family. I want to see them, and you won't cause me to waver in that decision."

_You come and ask me, girl_

Naomi shook her head, walking back to her bed and sitting down clasping her hands she spoke, "You should to stay here. What purpose do you have here? Don't you understand, Anna? Your presence only brings back _pain_ , and disgust."

"Once you would have called me sister, _twin_ sister," Anna hissed.

Naomi sharply switched sides of the bed to face her, "Once I believed you to be my twin sister!"

_To set you free, girl_

"Then why must that change now? Why must you and Michael be so cruel to me, Naomi? I have done nothing wrong. The past is in the past, Naomi. You've known for three years, and yet you're still angry. You still disrespect and make life harder for me, whenever you see the chance- you won't even fill the car up because it makes my life more difficult. You ignore my opinions, you're cruel to Castiel and disregard my say, you boss me around, you speak to me like I betrayed you."

_You say he loves you more than me_

Naomi said nothing, only staring at Anna with distaste, as if Anna was no more than a bug on her plate.

"Why?"

"You know exactly why. Don't act so innocent, don't pretend you haven't _dreamed_ of leaving this home for _years_! I know you hate it here, I know you wish to _abandon_ your _family_."

_So I will set you free_

"I'm not dad, I don't want to abandon my family," Anna said coldly.

Naomi glared at her, "He left because of you!"

"No, you _say_ he left because of me! I did not ask him to leave, you act as if I opened the door for him! He's the one who slammed it! Not me!" Anna shouted.

Naomi's eyes widened before narrowing once more, "Watch your tone, Anna."

_Go with him_

"Do not speak me to as if you're my better," the 23 year old snapped. "I have stayed for Castiel, I have stayed because I care for _him_. Not you."

"Another reason he corrupts this family, he's enticed the traitor," she said with a glare.

"I. Am not. A traitor," Anna said. "I could have left five years ago, but I didn't. I put up with you everyday, because I'm lucky enough to not always have to see you- and because I have hope for this family. If you were not my sister, I would hate you."

_Go with him_

"Well," Naomi said with a smile, "then it's a good thing I don't think of you as my sister."

*

John left a week and a half after Dean had is nightmare, staying for ten whole days! It was the most Dean had seen of his father in a very long time, and he was happy he had come to visit. Even though Dean had messed it up.

But then again, Dean messed everything up.

Seeing Cas outside of school had been difficult when John was around, as Dean was nervous to bring anyone around his father. Dean knew that once John saw Cas he would ask him questions, push his buttons, upset him, ask why he was taking Dean away from his job.

So Cas did not come over all week, and they never had a chance to talk on the phone because John was constantly calling for him. Honestly, it kind of pissed Dean off, and then he felt like crap for being a disloyal son. His dad had work for him to do, so he did it. End of story.

You shouldn't be upset with dad, or angry, dad was right. And Dean was wrong. End of story.

He thought sneaking over to Cas'- even though just thinking about it made him nervous, since it would obviously piss his dad off- but he thought about it anyways. Dean might have even done it, but Cas had immediately said no.

"Sorry, I'm not trying to be some clingy girl Cas, I just- well I thought you might want to see me. And... and I wanted to see you too," Dean said looking at the school's tiled floor with embarrassment.

"Rest assured Dean, I have never considered you to be gelatinous. I simply do not think it a wise idea to enter my house late in the evening without your father's knowledge," Cas said calmly as they walked into their art room.

Dean chuckled, "Good to know, Cas." He then frowned, sitting down their back table, "Wait a minute, Cas, I do hope ya realize we can't tell the guy."

"Yes Dean, I understand the deception this meeting- and/or meetings- would require. However, I believe it too risky- I am sorry, but this would be bad of me to do, therefore I cannot condone this action."

Dean sighed, "Kay, I know you're still working on your rebellious phase."

Cas rolled his eyes, "You are ridiculous, Dean Winchester."

Dean smiled obnoxiously, "But you love me."

He only realized the danger of what he had just said, after he said it. His eyes widened, and his hands flared out by his side. Dean quickly shook his head, fearful of what the raven haired man would say in response.

"Cas, I-I didn't mean-"

Cas nodded, "Do not be ashamed, Dean. I understand."

Dean blushed, rubbing the back of his neck, "Right."

"I am curious Dean, have you reached anywhere with your project?" Cas said with a raise of his brow, his hands gracefully flitting to the edge of the pot to round an edge.

"Yeah, actually, I'm gonna paint it in black and yellow and then put a little black bat on the top. It's gonna be like the Batman logo," Dean said.

Cas frowned, "The superhero?"

Dean sat up slightly in his chair, "You know who he _is_?"

Cas shrugged, "I have heard my brother discuss him, if that counts as being able to identify him, yes- but I have never actually watched any form of Batman, I am sorry I will not be able to quote any of those either," he said with a frown.

"Hey man, that's fine- gives me an excuse to watch some Batman. Though we should probably get you in for that second driver's class I owe you first. It's a bit overdue really."

"Just a tad, yes," Cas said with a faint smile. "Rest assured, it has only been two weeks- certainly not long enough for you to have vexed me."

Dean smiled at Cas' honesty (something he continued to appreciate), "Good to know."

Dean smirked, "You know, you still haven't let me get a glimpse of your coil pot in a few weeks, nothing more than an edge or two and yr hands moving it. What have you got over there that's so important I'm not allowed to see it?"

"The most beautiful creation the world has ever seen," Cas said dryly.

Dean scoffed, smiling, "Someone's secretive. Are you making me a present?"

Cas raised an eyebrow, "As dear as you are to me, no, I am not making someone as lovely as you my art- which only pales in comparison to your features."

Dean frowned, "You know, the problem when you answer like that is it's hard to tell if you're being sarcastic or not."

Cas smirked, "Exactly."

Cas briefly looked up from his hidden pottery, "That reminds me Dean, when is your birthday?"

Dean frowned, "My birthday? Why does that matter?"

Cas frowned, his brow furrowing, "Because, it is common- and encouraged- among friends to give each other presents on their date of birth. Why would it not matter?"

"Well, yeah but," Dean blushed, rubbing his neck- something he thought was happening way too often for his comfort, "I never got you anything for your birthday."

Cas cocked his head, his frown deepening, "Yes you did. You purchased food and we drove around in the impala, we caused the elderly man considerable distress. Do you not remember?"

He blushed deeper, "Well, yeah but, well... we don't have to, it's fine."

"You don't wish to celebrate your birthday."

"Well... It's just, I don't really like the attention they bring is all. I don't like being singled out, Cas."

"Well, there's Christmas as well. Then it won't be only you Dean," Cas said with bright eyes.

"Oh, um, well," Dean blushed, "I don't really celebrate the holidays, Cas."

Cas' shoulders deflated, "Oh."

"O-of course, Dean," Cas recovered, faking a smile. "No matter."

*

"Hey, where's Deano, Clarence?" Meg said as she out her feet on top her desk.

Cas frowned, "He is on his way, though I believe I have upset him."

She raised an eyebrow, "Too cold again? Clarence you're a good guy and all, but ya gotta work on that."

"No, no, it isn't that," he said with a frown. "November is approaching it's end, and I brought up gift giving and he became uncomfortable."

She shrugged, "Maybe the guy isn't a big holiday person."

He frowned, "Yes, perhaps- but I worry for him."

This time Meg frowned, "Because he doesn't talk about Christmas presents? Careful there Clarence, I think someone's developing a crush."

Cas frowned, "That's a ridiculous assumption."

Meg laughed, "You worry too much, Clarence."

Cas frowned, turning back to his desk, "Perhaps you are right."

This wouldn't be the first time Castiel had been told he worried too often, and he was sure it would not be the last. However, despite the good intentions behind these comments, Castiel only ever grew more concerned after hearing them, as he feared he was doing now. Surely Dean was fine, there was no need to worry.

Nevertheless, Castiel's concern for Dean was ever growing, as were his affections for him. Ten days ago, when Sam had called Cas in distress, Cas' nerves had nearly skyrocketed as he waited to find out what was wrong. His first thought was at Dean had been hurt, but he brushed the thought away as he listened to Sam.

_"He won't come out of our room," Sam said with worry._

_Dean had been upset by his family, he was angry with himself, he had disappeared into the bedroom and not resurfaced. Perhaps Dean had the intent to sleep, and not wake u- No. Dean would never do something like that, Castiel was simply worrying more than was necessary, as usual._

_"Have you made any attempts to enter the room?"_

_"I asked if I could come in, and then I knocked on the door- but he just groaned, Cas, I don't know what to do. He always opens the door."_

_"Go in, Sam."_

_"Do you think he would want me to? I mean, maybe he's just sle-"_

_Cas frowned, "Sam? Maybe he's just what?"_

_"Oh god, sleeping. Hold on, Cas!"_

_The phone crackled as it knocked against the younger Winchester's hand, and Cas bit his lip as he nervously awaited Sam's return. He heard Sam saying Dean's name and felt his nerves only grow, what was happening? Cas heard the springs of a mattress creak, and something shaking, before the mattress creaked once more and Sam picked up the phone._

_"He's sleeping, Cas," Sam said fearfully. "I said I is name, and tried shaking him but nothing's working- what should I do?"_

_Cas grabbed the car keys, "Sam, I'm coming over."_

_"But, Cas, you can't drive."_

_Cas paused before his door, clutching the keys in his fist, "Damn it."_

_He rushed down the steps, searching for Anna, his blue eyes darting to the living room as he saw her sitting on the couch with a book. Cas rushed over to her, calling out her name nervously, holding the phone at his side as he ran to the couch. Anna's attention snapped to him, her hazel eyes taking in the worried state of her brother._

_"Anna, could you please, please drive me somewhere?" Castiel asked desperately. "Please, I believe a friend of mine is in trouble."_

_She nodded sharply, jumping to her feet and rushing after Castiel to the door. Castiel unlocked the door and gave her the keys, jumping into the car hurriedly. He had appreciated Anna many times, knowing how kind and generous she was- but seeing Anna run to her car with no hesitation after Cas asked her, he didn't think he had ever appreciated her more._

_Anna slowed the car down as they pulled up to the set of apartment buildings, Castiel jumping out before his sister had even turned the car off. The youngest Novak sprinted up the old, clingy metal staircase, halting at Dean's door before knocking abruptly. There was a pause, before the sounds of a few locks being open, and Sam looked at him with surprise._

_"Wow, that was fast," he said, letting Cas in._

_"My older sister Anna will probably be here shortly, I am sorry but there was no manner I'm which I could arrive quick enough that would not require a sibling of mine, and Anna is the most forbearing of them."_

_"That's fine Cas," Sam said, leading him up the small, old, creaky staircase to their room._

_When the two approached Dean's room Cas heard slight whimpers and felt his heart break as he saw Dean toss and turn in his bed, sweat covering his face as he thrashed around. Cas wordlessly walked up to Dean, there was no time to ease into this._

_"Dean," he said sharply._

_Castiel then began shaking his shoulders, "It's Cas!"_

_"It's Cas!"_

_"Dean!"_

_When Dean awoke, Cas did what he always did when he was upset- he played The Beatles, only this time it was coming from him, and not a CD player. This technique seemed to calm Dean immensely, and after they spoke Cas sat contently, watching Dean as he eased back into sleep._

_Dean tried to stay awake, saying he was 'being an ass for fall asleep on Cas', but eventually sleep own and Dean fell into a comfortable, much needed rest. He looked far more peaceful in his sleep, the constant indignant expression no longer pressing against his features._

_"You know, I've never seen him so at ease with someone before."_

_Cas turned at the sound of Sam's voice, "Sam," he said with slight surprise. "I thought you were still attempting to make contact with your father."_

_Sam shrugged, his eyes dropping to the ground, "He won't care. He never cares."_

_Cas frowned, patting Dean's bed lightly, "Why do you say that, Sam? What has your father done as of late to upset you?"_

_Sam sighed, looking at him defeatedly, "You've heard about our dad?"_

_"I have heard enough of John Winchester to know he is not the... most traditional, of fathers," Cas said awkwardly._

_Sam laughed, "You can say it, Cas. Our dad's kind of an ass."_

_Cas' eyes widened, "I would not say something such as that when speaking of your father."_

_Sam grinned, "Cas, it's cool. 'Sides, you were fine with saying stuff like that before."_

_Cas frowned, "Yes that was... out of character, for me."_

_Sam shrugged, smiling as he looked at his brother, whose head rest against Cas' shoulder._

_"Well, out of character or not- I like you Cas."_

_Sam's smile grew as he looked at Dean's peaceful expression,_ 'I'm not the only Winchester who thinks that.'

*

When Dean dropped Cas off at his house, Cas saw that Anna's car was parked in the driveway, and not the garage. Apparently she had not been home for a considerable amount of timer or else she would have parked her car within their garage. Cas thanked Dean for the ride before walking up the steps, pulling out his key and opening the door, curious to see what Anna had been up to.

"Anna?" Castiel called out. "Anna, where are you?"

The response he was received was the flash of red hair rushing through the kitchen, putting things away with haste. "Hold on!" She called.

Cas frowned, his head tilting in confusion as he frowned at his sister, "Would you appreciate assistance?"

She shook her head swiftly, "Nope, no, no help is required."

"Are..." He bit his lip, "Are you sure? Are... are you alright? I am not suggesting you are a head case, I am simply concerned for your well being as your sibling."

Anna smiled sadly, "Cas, I'm- I'm sorry about that."

_Anna_

He frowned, "Cas?"

"Oh, would you prefer Castiel?" Anna asked as she put dishes away. "Dean was calling you that when he was over before, and I don't know how I never realized how much simpler that would be."

"I... I suppose that is alright," Cas said with an unsure frown, "I am simply not accustomed to hearing such moniker from my family."

Anna nodded, looking down as she continued to clean, "Yes, our family isn't exactly the best example for friendliness."

_Girl, before you go now_

He stared at her, nodding, "No, they are not. But I would rather stay with them than watch them leave each other."

She nodded sadly, wiping down the countertop with a frown.

Cas' eyes softened as he looked at her sadly, "As much as I wish my family would stay by my side, I do not bind them to me- if they wished to leave."

_I want you to know, now_

Castiel looked at her sadly, faking a small smile as his lips lifted briefly and fell. He had seen the tension between Anna and Naomi, and the unspoken disrespect directed to her from Michael. Why this was, he had never understood- but he knew Anna was not happy here.

But then again, in their family, when was anyone happy

Gabriel spoke so fondly of living with Kali, Cas was afraid he would run off to do so- though he did seem to enjoy himself in the occasional time spent alone with CastLucifer was rarely home nowadays, it was a genuine surprise- and displeasure- to Castiel, if he ever saw him there. Michael was seen once or twice throughout the week, but it was only in passing.

_That I still love you so_

Unfortunately, Naomi was seen more often than Michael or Lucifer were. Castiel was typically greeted with her sneer or eerie calm every few days, the only expression ever directed to him traditionally being disappointment or anger. Luckily Cas was accustomed to both of these, and after several years of this, he had grown to expect this from his family.

Truthfully, the siblings he saw the most of was Anna, the two Novaks spent everyday together. Cas saw his sister daily, like a normal family would, and he couldn't think of a time in his life when she hadn't been there. It scared him that one day she might not be there, but it only made sense that Anna would leave him for a better friend- someone who was more open, and who was more fun to be around.

Whoever he was, Cas was sure he would make Anna happier. Honestly anyone would be better for Anna to be around than himself. Someone nicer, someone more positive and outgoing. Eventually, Anna might even marry- she would be happy, with a husband who loved her, and Cas would be alone once more.

_But if he loves you more_

Cas would like to think he would not be entirely alone, as he had Dean and his friends- but with the way Dean had reacted around him that morning to any acknowledgment of their friendship, he feared that would not last. So, alone he would sit, sad, and old, and empty as Anna would be happily married to a good man, having a good family.

_Go with him_

But Castiel was nothing if not practical, so he would be alone for Anna- so she could be happy.

*

"You know," Naomi said calmly as she walked around the room, feigning nonchalance, "He'll be here in a few days, Anna. It's not too late to leave."

"And it's not too late for our family to be accepting," Anna replied cooly.

Naomi frowned, turning to her, "Why always must you be so difficult?"

"Why _always_ must you be so _prejudiced_?"

_All of my life_

Naomi sighed, irritated, "This is getting us nowhere."

"Then perhaps you should treat me as your equal for once," Anna snapped, glaring at Naomi from her bed.

"I will treat you as my equal when you are, but that day has yet to come."

_I've been searching for a girl_

Anna's glare deepened, sighing agitatedly. As angry as she was with her sister, she still cared for her- and she had only received spite for this.

Naomi raised her eyebrows, "You know what I've just realized?" She smirked, "Believe it or not, Castiel has inherited some of your expressions. You have a similar frown, and you both squint your eyes when you're angry- though Castiel squints as you do far more often. Also, you both raise your eyebrows- you know, if I didn't know, you might just pass as one of us."

"I am one of you!" Anna shouted irritatedly, "You're simply too judgmental to acknowledge that!"

_To love me like I love you_

Naomi glared at her, "Sh, Anna quiet, you'll disturb the baby."

"I understand your reasoning- if I disagree with it- for being cruel to me, but Castiel has done nothing to deserve your condescension," Anna said with another glare.

"Please, Castiel has never fit in with this family. He felt too much, he was too positive, and his constant fear of failure is annoying. Castiel is nothing but a nuisance," she said coldly. "Honestly, I think he came off the line with a crack in his chassis. He has never done what he was told. Not completely."

_Oh, now, but every girl I've ever had_

"Always speaking of love and acceptance, asking the preacher questions, being nice to those we tell him not to speak with- he is wrong. He is ba-"

"NAOMI!" Anna shouted fiercely.

She whipped around angrily, " _What_?"

"Don't call him that," Anna said sternly.

She frowned, "What? Wrong? Or ba-"

"The last one," Anna glared, "There is a lot I will allow you to say, but you will not call Castiel bad, he is not. He is good, and I will not hear otherwise from anyone."

_Breaks my heart and leaves my sad_

"He may still be getting ready," Naomi said,"tell me, why does he not enjoy being called ba-"

"I don't know," Anna said sharply. "Naomi you're being ridiculous, leave me alone."

"No, I'm getting results," Naomi said with a smirk, she looked out the door, down the hall briefly before closing the door. "Now, if he is still getting rea-"

"He's not getting ready, he's cleaning the room he shares with three boys, doing laundry, cleaning the bathrooms, and any other cleaning he can think of at the moment," she said coldly as she stood from her bed.

_What am I, what am I supposed to do_

"Because Castiel is good, and kind- he deserves your respect," Anna said with a glare as she walked to their door, slamming it after saying, "And so do I."

*

"Hi Cas," Dean said with a grin when he saw him walk into the school.

"Hello," Cas said with a frown.

Dean frowned, before raising his eyebrows, "What's up?"

"Oh, I am sorry- I did not mean for this to become your concern. Dean I... I am worried about Anna," Castiel said, his frown deepening.

"What's wrong with her?" Dean asked with a frown.

"I'm not quite sure, tension between Naomi and Anna has been slightly above normal and I am sure this is a contributing factor towards Anna's stress, but I cannot understand why things are the way they are between my sisters."

Dean shrugged, "Girl stuff? I don't know. Why don't you come work on your art for a bit Cas? Don't worry about it."

Cas looked unsurely at Dean, "You would not mind if I sat with you?"

"Course not, why would I?" He said with a frown.

"Well... you seemed... out of sorts yesterday."

Dean began to fiddle with his thumbs, looking nervously at Cas from time to time.

"Honestly, the thing is Cas... I'm just not- I don't really know how to accept gifts. Sorry if I made a big deal out of it, I didn't mean to."

"So... am I still allowed to get you a present? Maybe a small one?"

Dean smiled, "A small one."

*

"Anna, you should go," Naomi said, desperation in her eyes. " _Please_."

"I haven't seen him in three years, I'm going to speak with him," Anna said, "And that's final."

Naomi sighed, "What if he takes you to see Pamela?"

"I understand that I'm a problem, and I'm not compliant so you want me _gone_ \- but if he takes me to see Pamela, then I'll see Pamela. I'm not hiding or leaving when he visits. Sorry."

Naomi frowned, "Don't you remember what happened last time?"

"You weren't _there_ ," Anna said coldly. "I was, and I can assure you, I'll _never_ forget."

*

_Castiel looked down at the ground, trembling nervously as the group waited outside of Pamela's office. Anna looked over at him and smiled softly, and in response he turned away. It had been this way for a few months now, the 14 year old was completely void of almost any emotion._

_Anna had tried to speak with him on numerous occasions, but Castiel refused to speak with any of his siblings. He didn't speak unless he was spoken to, and even then it could take a minute for anyone to get his attention. As soon as Castiel stepped out of Anna's car (a car ride which, no matter how hard Anna tried, was always stressed and tense) he ran to the house, hiding away in his room until he was forced to leave._

_Unless someone gave him a direct order, such as when Michael told Cas the house could use some cleaning. That night, when Michael returned from work, the house was spotless- the floors were wiped, the dishes were done, the rooms were vacuumed, books and clothes and papers were neatly out away, everything was exactly how it was supposed to be. For once, Michael seemed almost please, and had turned to his youngest brother._

_"Good, Castiel," Michael had said calmly._

_Anna thought this would make Castiel happy, but at the word 'good' he tensed, more so than usual- if that was possible- and ran up the stairs without a word, the boy's bedroom closing behind him. Not slamming, no, Castiel never slammed doors._

_Castiel was quiet, emotionless, and he did not cause trouble. To slam a door would gather attention, and perhaps people would think he had done it on purpose. That was not something Castiel wanted, in fact, he went out of his way to make sure no one noticed him,_

_As long as that didn't mean performing any actions that would displease his family._

_Castiel strived to please, always cleaning up after his older siblings, always working and studying and restudying his schoolwork for hours. It was either that, or praying._

_His lack of socializing had concerned his siblings,_ _including Michael and Naomi. Not because they were worried something had happened to Castiel- as Gabriel and Anna were- but because having a mute sibling certainly would not be welcomed. When Castiel noticed their unhappiness he had tried to communicate more, nodding and shaking his head, pointing at things when he tried to express himself._

_Occasionally he would utter short sentences, but this was only when Michael or Naomi were agitated with his silence._

_"Castiel, would you speak for once?" Naomi had said in annoyance one day, "Don't go mute on us, you're already an abomination."_

_Castiel had tensed at that as well, his shoulders shaking as he looked at the floor. Anna had watched him, her heart feeling like someone was ripping it in half as she watched her little brother gulp._

_Eventually a low, whispered, shaking voice had said, "W-what would you... l-like me to say?"_

_"Thank you," Naomi had said exasperatedly._

_Castiel had shakily exhaled at that, his shoulders shaking once more before he turned and silently hurried upstairs, not wanting to disturb even in his anguish at forced conversations._

_This was one of the reasons their uncle Zachariah had insisted upon taking Castiel to see Pamela. Apparently Pamela was a psychologist with a 'Supernatural buzz' which Anna had found strange. However, when she had questioned seeing the woman, their uncle had frowned._

_"Do you honestly think I would waste you and your brother's time with this woman if I did not have faith in her?" He asked condescendingly, frowning at her as if she were stupid._

_She looked at the ground, speaking softly, "No."_

_This was ridiculous, she was 20 years old for crying out loud! She shouldn't be afraid of some annoying old man who kept trying to be their father. What would he know about raising a family anyways?_

_He lived all alone._

_"Anna and Castiel Novak," a woman said, opening the white door, "Dr. Barnes will see you now."_

_Zachariah stood from his seat, glaring at his niece and nephew to follow as the nurse began to walk away. Anna could see Castiel's shaking hands, and as they both stood up from their old green chairs, she wished she knew how to comfort him._

_Their feet padded against the fading dark gray carpet, Anna looking at Castiel nervously as their uncle smirked, holding the white door open for them. She looked back at her shaking brother, his eyes glued to the floor as the tremors spread through his body. Anna knelt down so she could see him and smiled briefly, nodding once before raising._

_Castiel looked up, his sunken, empty, faded blue eyes looking at Anna calmly before his lips lifted and fell, his best attempt at a smile._

_Zachariah's glare darkened, "Castiel! Anna!"_

_Castiel's eyes snapped to focus on his uncle and he quickened his pace, despite his slight tremble and the fact that he refused to walk any faster than Anna, who he was hiding behind. The nurse still walked before them, and when she stopped at a door she turned back, looking at them expectantly._

_Zachariah offered the woman his best fake smile, "Thank you."_

_The smile slid off his face the after second the nurse turned away, and he glared at the two younger Novaks, his pale, thin, wrinkly hand wrapping around the door's knob as he did. Castiel's trembles had quickly worsened, and he whimpered before the door- a sound that made Anna want to grab Castiel and run as far away as they could go._

_This place wasn't right, they shouldn't be here._

_Zachariah glared, swinging the door open. Castiel was still standing next to Anna, not moving as his legs shook. Anna looked at him with concern and Zachariah sighed, shoving him, Castiel having already been shaking badly and not expecting the push, fell to the ground with a cry. He quickly scrambled to his feet, his breath speeding up from the unexpected touch of an older man._

_"You look a tad nervous," a middle aged woman said with a kind smile. "Relax kiddo, I'm just a doctor, Dr. Barnes- but you can call me Pamela. I know this is new to you, but I'm still a doctor, and you're still a patient. There's no need to worry, I'm just going to talk with you and your sister."_

_Castiel nodded, biting his lip, still scared and shaking, but not wishing to cause any more trouble for his uncle than he already had. Zachariah stared at the boy and he gulped, looking at Anna before redirecting his attention to the doctor nervously._

_The brunette smiled, "Now, who would like to go first?"_

_Anna looked at her scared brother and stepped forward, her decision already made. "I will."_

_"Excellent," Pamela said with a smile._

_Pamela directed Anna to the white chair next to her own, and Anna laid against it, ignoring her nerves. She saw Castiel staring at her with fright, hugging himself as he looked at Anna dreadfully, Anna smiled and saw Cas take a deep breath, the death grip around his trench coat loosening slightly._

_Anna knew why she was here. The dreams. Anna continued to have dreams about her parents, dreams that would sometimes send her into outbursts. Anna didn't understand these dreams, but every time she woke from them she felt she was missing something important._

_She vaguely remembered having these dreams when she was younger, much younger- three at the oldest. Mr. Novak had not been happy with these dreams, considering that in them he was not Anna's father._

_Pamela and Anna spoke first, what Anna's dreams were about, how long she'd had them, why they stopped when she was younger, why she think they started again. The dreams had been going on and off since she was 13, when their father left. It was so minuscule at first, Anna didn't even realize she was having those dreams again._

_Around 17 or 18 is when she began to understand, they happened every month or so. At 19 they seemed every week, and now it was nearly every night. Then Pamela told her they were going to relax her body and mind, so she could see her dreams clearer without having to wait to sleep or be unsupervised and therefore not be in danger- as she was prone to crying, shouting, sleepwalking, or thrashing in her bed while dreaming._

_"Nice and relaxed," Pamela said in a soft voice._

_"Now, I'm going to count down from five to zero. When we're at zero, you'll be in a deep state of hypnosis," she continued in a silk like voice._

_Her voice was so relaxing, Anna focused on nothing else as she closed her eyes, listening to Pamela, "As I count down, just go deeper and deeper, okay? 5... 4... 3... 2... 1. Deep sleep. Deep sleep. Every muscle calm and relaxed. Can you hear me?"_

_"I can hear you," she said through the warm fog of sleep and comfort._

Sleep

_"Now, Anna, tell me. Why do you have these dreams? How do you know they're real?"_

Sleep

_"I don't know," she said softly. "I just do."_

_"Your father..." Pamela continued, "What's his name?"_

Sleep

_"Adriel Novak," Anna replied through her sleep._

Sleep

_"All right. But I want you to look further back... When you were very young... Just a couple of years old."_

Fear

_"I don't want to."_

_"It'll be okay. Anna, just one look -- that's all we need," Pamela said softly._

_"No."_

_"Anna," she said softly. "What's your dad's name? Your real dad. That's all we need."_

_"No."_

_He was angry, no, he was furious. He would throw things at her, strangle her, leave her, kill her. She was a disgrace! His life was a white cloth, and she stained it. He would scrub her off until there was nothing left of her!_

_"No!" She began to thrash around violently._

_"Anna, it's alright. Calm down."_

_"No he's gonna kill me! He's gonna kill me!"_

_Zachariah stepped forward, Castiel watched from the corner he was huddled in._

_"Zachariah, don't," Pamela said calmly._

_"Anna," her uncle said warningly._

_"No! No he's gonna kill me!" Her hands continued to thrash around uncontrollably, knocking Zachariah backwards._

_"Wake in 1, 2, 3, 4, 5," Pamela said quickly, then calmly, "Anna... Anna? You alright?"_

_Her eyes opened, and she realized she had never left Pamela's office._

_She sat up calmly from the chair, "Thank you Pamela, that helps a lot. I remember now."_

_Cas frowned, and Zachariah said, "Remember what?"_

_"Who I am," Anna said calmly._

_Zachariah frowned, "Who are you, dare I ask."_

_She looked at her little brother and held back her answer, deciding to tell her uncle later, "I'm different."_

_*_

_After Anna promised Zachariah she would speak with him in private, it was Castiel's turn. If Castiel had been scared before, he was beyond terrified now. He wasn't ready to tell his family what happened, he wasn't ready to admit he knew why he was acting so strange._

_When Pamela eased him into the chair he broke out into a panic, attempting to jump up._

_"Shhh," she said softly, easing him against the chair._

_Once hands pressed against Castiel he stiffened, scared she would be angry with him for wasting time and not being good._

_"Don't worry, think of this as a spoiler, we're gonna see if we can see who did the deed."_

'I know _exactly_ who did it.'

'But I won't tell you.'

_His lips trembled, but he didn't cry, and he looked at Pamela pleadingly, speaking for the first time in weeks, "Please, I want to go home."_

_Pamela's eyes softened, and she glanced over at Zachariah before turning back to Castiel, "sweetheart it's okay, I'm just going to take a look at what's been causing your nightmares. I promise it will only take a few minutes."_

_Cas whimpered once more, terrified and on the verge of tears, "I'm scared," he said softly._

_Zachariah sighed and Pamela turned to look at him, "Mr. Zachariah if you want your money's worth I would not suggest speaking while I am working."_

_Castiel's fear calmed slightly at Pamela's kindness to him, and she smiled._

_He closed his eyes and Pamela began speaking,"I invoke, conjure, and command you, appear unto me before this circle."_

The man.

_"I invoke, conjure, and command you, appear unto me before this circle."_

Greasy, pale, saggy, loose skin lowering it's body onto him.

_"I invoke, conjure, and command you, appear unto me before this circle."_

The preacher was on top of him.

_"I invoke, conjure, and command you, appear unto me before this circle."_

_'_ No _!' His mind shouted, '_ Don't let her see the preacher! Hide him!'

_He did his best to put up walls while the hazes seeped into his mind, attempting to force him into a deep sleep._

_No! She would not see._

_'_ Get out _.' He thought._

_"I invoke, conjure, and command..." She felt his interference and frowned, "Castiel? No. Sorry, Castiel, I don't scare easy."_

_'_ No _,' he thought weakly, not again, he didn't want to think of it, didn't want to talk about it._

_"I conjure and command you, show me your face."_

_Castiel's arched from the chair involuntarily, his entire body trying to block the memories,'_ No! _'_

_"I conjure and command you, show me your face."_

_'_ Get out! _' He thought with panic as his body fell back against the chair._

_"I conjure and command you, show me your face. "_

_'_ Stop it! Stop it stop it stop it! Get out! _' His mind shouted, throwing it's defenses at her, the fear creeping in as he worried she would reveal his past._

_"Don't be afraid Castiel, I will help you," Pamela said. "I conjure and command you, show me your face."_

_She saw a man, or rather, what she thought was a man. A blurred image of a tall, white man._

_His mind went into further panic and screamed like an animal, 'GET OUT!'_

_"I conjure and command you, show me your face."_

_"Get out!" Cas shouted, his eyes clamped shut as he struggled._

_Pamela steadied herself, the defense all but shoving her back. "I conjure and command you, show me your face."_

_Zachariah frowned, "Maybe we should stop."_

_"I command you, show me your face!"_

_Castiel jerked back and forth on the chair, eyes clamped shut as he struggled, 'No, stop! Stop it! Stop this! Don't ruin this!'_

_"Show me your face now!"_

"NO! _" He screamed, eyes snapping open as he shouted at the doctor._

_Pamela grabbed her head, groaning at the bans of protection the boy had wafting from him. Her eyes felt a blinding, burning pain and she made a sound of discomfort, rubbing her temples, attempting to stop the pain. Her eyes burned, hotter and hotter and hotter and hotter and-_

_She pulled away from Castiel's mind._

_Pamela cracked her irritated eyes open, looking at the trembling child before her. His hands shook as he wrapped his arms around his legs, burying his head in his knees. Castiel's body trembled, whimpers escaping his mouth as he tried to make himself smaller. His sister looked at him with immense concern tears pricking her eyes as she looked at his shaking body._

Anna

_He had hurt the doctor's eyes. He had upset his uncle, and scared Anna._

Just one more thing, girl

_He had tried to warn the doctor, but she just wouldn't listen- assured that she was doing the right thing._

You give back your ring to me, and I will set you free

_Just like the preacher._

_Castiel ran to the trash bin, puking. Anna rushed to his side, cautiously resting a hand on his back as she attempted to help her baby brother. He flinched at the contact, before putting his own hand overs hers, the tremors never calming._

Go with him

*

"If you remember so clearly," Naomi said with a glare, "Then you know why you shouldn't be here."

_Anna_

She nodded defeatedly, "But Naomi, I can't leave Castiel."

_Just one more thing, girl_

"Make friends, find a nice guy, I don't care. Say your goodbyes to Castiel if you must, or run away without saying a word- what's easiest, find friends, find a man. Just leave. You shouldn't be here, he'll be here in only a few days," Naomi said with a glare.

_You give back your ring to me, and I will set you free_

"And we both know Zachariah won't be happy to see you."

_Go with him_


	16. Little Child

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cas and Dean exchange gifts. Zachariah shows up. Noe one likes it.
> 
> ... Except maybe Michael and Naomi but who really likes them anyways?
> 
> WARNINGS: Mentions of rape, self harm, and suicide.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry a lot of this isn't italicized, but it's 3 in the morning and I'm tired.
> 
> Also, for those of you who are probably mad that Dean and Cas aren't together yet- I am sorry,rest assured it's gonna happen- I just didn't have enough room in this chapter.

Christmas passed with smiles and slightly awkward gift exchanges- at least, for Dean and Cas. Both had agreed if they did receive presents from one another- which was also not required but would be accepted, as they had both felt unsure of this as well- they were to be small. Cas knew Dean could not afford very much, and had graciously said he was not very experienced with exchanging presents with friends, and that he would appreciate it if the presents were required to be smaller in order to make this easier on him.

The embarrassment Dean had felt, knowing he would have to tell Cas his present would probably be complete crap, was gone immediately- he'd never appreciated the guy morel asides from the nightmares, and telling him he was allowed to be upset with his dad, or Sam, or helping him with homework- you know, maybe there were just too many moments where Castiel Novak made Dean smile.

Anyways, however many there were, that was definitely one of them.

Really, Dean hadn't known what to get Cas. What he'd known is that Cas could be pretty uptight, and needed to relax once in a while, be happy- how could he do that? How could Dean change his constant schedule of work, pray, sleep?

He wasn't stupid, he knew Cas probably prayed a lot- and he wanted to help him relax. He wanted to change his boring, bland, every day day. Every day Cas wore his trench coat and tie, and studied, and did homework, and spoke with Dean, and then studied some more, and went home to study more and pray harder.

Unfortunately there wasn't much of a way Dean knew how to change that. He knew too much change too fast would overwhelm Cas. What was a small change he could suggest that wouldn't upset him?

Dean had smiled, he knew what to get him.

*

The exchange of presents was humorous, if slightly nerve racking.

Dean smiled nervously, giving Cas a small present. Castiel's eyes smiled upon seeing the wrapped package, and he presented Dean his own gift in return.

Dean raised his eyebrows at the worry in Cas' eyes, "Would you like to open yours first?"

Castiel sighed noticeably, "Yes, please," he said with relief.

He looked at the small rectangle, and carefully, softly, slowly unfolded the green paper- Dean rolling his eyes at Cas' attempts to always appease to those around him, would he just open the damn box?

Cas lifted the lid off carefully, so as not to crease the box, and looked down at he article of clothing. He lifted his eyebrows, a small smile present on his face as he held up the accessory.

He looked at Dean with amusement and held up his present, "A tie?"

Dean had smiled, before biting his lip- maybe Cas wasn't amused, maybe he was annoyed and just didn't want to hurt Dean's feelings. Maybe he was pitying him! Well screw that! Dean Winchester didn't take pity from anybody, not even Cas!

"You don't have to keep it if you don't like, I won't mind it's okay," Dean said with a shrug.

Cas frowned, "I thought this was meant to be humorous, since I regularly only wear my blue tie, and this is green- is it not?"

Dean's nonchalance quickly changed to excitement, "Wait, you thought it was funny?"

Cas nodded with a small smile, "Yes."

Dean smiled, Cas wasn't offended, he thought it was funny! Cas wasn't annoyed, he was laughing, he had finally understood most of Dean's life was filled with him being a goofy, dumbass and not some strange, weird ass-

Dean gasped.

Cas got his joke.

Cas got his joke!

Dean grinned, "You got the joke!"

Cas paused, realization lighting up his blue eyes as his small smile formed into a real one, "Yes! I- I understood your humorous intentions!" He grinned, "at last!"

Dean laughed, leaning over the stairs to shout to Sam, "Sam, Cas got my joke!"

Cas leaned over the old railing as well, grinning, "It is true! I have finally begun to understand your brother's jocular motives!"

From downstairs they heard a sarcastic," _Yay_ "

Castiel's grin grew, "I am glad you share in my newfound joy Sam Winchester!"

"Now I won't be the only one cringing when Dean tries to make a joke!"

Dean frowned, leaning over the stairs to shout, "Hey, sasquatch! Quit making everything about you!"

He turned back to Cas, who's grin had gone back to a small smile. He looked at the blue circular present in Dean's hand.

Dean had not been the only recipient of presents who had faced trouble attempting to find a gift that would suffice the one they knew they were to be given. In a more ephemeral statement, Castiel had been unsure what to give Dean. Should he present him with a present of meaning and value? Should he buy him something nice?

Unfortunately when Castiel stopped for further consideration of this idea, he recalled Dean requesting a smaller present. It would be unfair of him to give Dean a large present when he himself had also requested a package of small size. What bijou gift could he approach Dean with that would still retain value, and meaning?

What could Castiel give Dean which he was truly passionate about? Yet still minuscule? Castiel wanted to present the young man with a present that would show the depth of their friendship, to show how much he knew of him and how he cared for him.

There were many trivial facts Castiel knew in regards to Dean Winchester, he loved cheeseburgers, as well as Led Zeppelin, he knew his favorite song, and favorite color, why he wore a necklace, what he wanted to be when he grew up- but which of these would be helpful? He wanted to be helpful.

One thing Dean often spoke of was being like his father, but Castiel did not want to encourage losing your identity in order to please others- he had seen the results of that, and it was not something he wished to encourage Dean to try, though he probably had already. Dean wanted to be a police officer when he grew up, he wanted to save people as his father did.

Castiel had seen Dean shooting rounds before, and he was truly quite talented. It was not something Dean often spoke of, but Cas knew a small part of Dean was proud of his capability with the weapon.

 _"How long have you been participating in this?" Cas had asked when the two left._  

_"Since I was little," Dean said with a shrug. "Y'know Cas, you didn't have to come with me- I'm sure watching me shoot at boards isn't all that fun."_

_"Rest assured, I enjoyed watching Dean," Cas said with a nod._

_"So why did you start?"_

_Dean raised his eyebrows as he opened his door, "Hm?"_

_Castiel slid into the seat in a manner he had seen Dean perform numerous times, and the small smile on Dean's face was not lost to him, "Using a gun. Is there any particular reason you started?"_  

 _Cas bit his lip, "I am sorry, I did not mean to be intrusive- I was merely curious, you do not have to appease my curiosity if you do not wish to."_  

_Dean waved his hand before starting the car, "No, no, it's fine- guess I've just never really talked with anyone about it. Uh- I guess I started because of my dad, he's a homicide detective, and I always thought it'd be cool to help people."_

_They pulled out of the parking lot, Dean shaking his head, "Course, I could never be a homicide detective- not that they don't accept GEDs, but I just- I don't know."_

_Cas frowned, "Dean, you have not finished high school- there is no need to assume you will not graduate, you doubt yourself far too often for my liking."_  

 _Dean smiled softly, "Yeah, well, trash the whole detective thing- maybe I'll just be a cop."_  

_"I suppose that is a decent place to begin."_

Dean stared down at the package, opening it hesitantly, worried he'd offend Cas if he opened too fast as he had originally planned.

Cas smiled at his consideration, "It is alright Dean, you may open the present in whatever manner you see fit."

Dean grinned, before wrapping the paper off, opening the white circular box beneath it.

He paused, looking at the dark blue hat. Inside the package, was a police officer's hat- not a real one of course- but a police officer's hat. The golden badge shined, the glimmer of the gold catching in Dean's eye as his mouth broke out into a smile.

Castiel bit his lip, before asking hesitantly, "Is the gift satisfactory?"

Dean wiped his eye, 'Quit crying,' he thought, 'It's just a damn costume hat.'

But it was so much more than that, really. Castiel had given Dean an image of what he was striving for, something to remind him what he wanted to be. John had never said anything of Dean's future, always assuming he'd only ever stay at his side.

And maybe- just maybe- there were times when Dean wanted something else, wanted to show his dad he was smart, and that he could help identify killers and find patterns, and help save people. Hell, he'd done it enough times that he shouldn't have to say any of those things. But no one had ever really believed in Dean, no ever thought he'd amount it much, himself included.

This was Cas' way of saying, 'You can do it, Dean. I believe in you.'

This was someone saying he'd made a plan with his life, and they intended to see him through to it, and hey, maybe even after. Cas believed in Dean. Cas thought if he out his mind to something, he could really do it- he thought he really could be a cop if he wanted to.

Dean picked the hat up with shaky hands, tears pricking his eyes even more when he saw Cas had left a note in the hat.

On a small, yellow sticky note, in Castiel's handwriting he saw:

_'Merry Christmas, Commissioner,_

_Love, Cas'_

Commissioner. Cas thought he could be a commissioner. Not just a cop, not just a detective- no Cas thought he was above all that. Dean's smile wobbled slightly, and he cursed inwardly, it was just a present.

He wiped his face, sniffling, "Sorry-" he cleared his throat, "y-yes the gift is-" he laughed shakily, wiping his nose, "the gift is satisfactory, Cas."

*

 

That had been the joy of Christmas, presents with Sam, then inviting Cas over for presents, laughing and smiling and for once enjoying a damn Christmas! Not watery smiles and newspaper wrapped presents and wishing their dad was with them.

Well, he still wished that- really he didn't think he'd ever stop being loyal to his dad,stop groveling- obeying- his dad. Anyhow, it was nice to celebrate Christmas with someone else for once, instead of the two boys giving each other small smiles and trying to ignore the fact it was Christmas, and their dad was working.

Cas had been like a breath of fresh air to their Christmas, filling their home with chuckles and his eye smiles- which still amazed Dean, seriously, how does someone even be that cute- anyways, he was a nice addition to their Christmas. Watching he and Sam exchange presents- neither had told the other, but of course they had both thought the other deserved a present- Dean realized he'd never had a happier Christmas.

But of course, life never went uncomplicated for long- and a few days later, he noticed Cas seemed distracted. Cas was constantly biting his lip, white teeth pressing against his bottom pink lip as he frowned.

Dean finally gave up avoiding confrontation, not able to let Cas suffer alone, and raised his eyebrows from his bed, "What's wrong Cas?"

He turned, dark brows raising over his blue eyes, "Hm?"

"You've been frowning at nothing on and off since you got here, what's bugging ya?" 

Cas sighed, shaking his head, "Oh, it's nothing. My uncle is simply vi-" he shook his head, "visiting."

"The douchebag?" 

"If that is how you label Zachariah, which I am assuming is who you are speaking of, then yes."

Dean frowned, "Thought Anna said he was coming in November? Didn't he cancel?"

"Yes, he did."

"Good." 

Cas frowned, turning from his spot on the floor against the bed, "Because he wanted to come around Christmas."

Dean paused, "Oh." He sighed, "Not good."

"Yes, he said he did not want to interrupt us with family while school was going on, so he would visit when we were on break."

Dean shook his head, "So in other words, ruin your break?"

Cas frowned, "Of course not, Uncle Zachariah means well."

Yeah, they always do."

Cas' frown deepened, "He _does_."

Dean raised his hands, "Alright, sorry man, no need to get defensive."

Cas nodded, sighing, "I am sorry, loyalty is encouraged in our family- and my uncle's appearances typically make it so I cannot see past that."

Dean nodded, "Psh, trust me, I know the feeling."

Cas turned so his back was facing the wall instead of the bed, in order to see Dean better, "Yes," he frowned, "Dean, if I may be so inclined, may I ask- did you see your father within the past few days?" 

Dean liked the way Cas worded it, asking if he was allowed first, and 'did you' not 'have you'- he couldn't count the number of times he'd seen a sad pair of eyes look at him with pity 'have you seen your father at all?' Have you seen him? 

As if he was missing, and it was awful because poor Dean couldn't take care of himself, and he certainly couldn't take care of his brother. It had always annoyed him when people did that- when social workers would eye him, he could tell them apart from crowds by now- and he was glad Cas didn't phrase it in a way that made him look like a sob story in the making.

"Nah, he's busy."

"I see."

"So Cas, we've only had two attempts at a driving lesson, ya wanna have another one tomorrow?"

Cas frowned, "I am sorry, I cannot. My uncle will be arriving tonight, and I have no doubts he will insist I stay at his side- but perhaps the day after tomorrow?" 

Dean nodded, ignoring the wish that Cas could stay with him instead, he'd see Cas on Tuesday. Even though Cas would have talked to his asshole of an uncle by then so he'd probably be in a pissy mood. But whatever, he'd deal with that 

 _Little child, little child_  

He'd rather cheer Cas up anyways, he didn't want him to be sad. Cas had told Dean a story or two, and form what Dean could see, the guy was a dick. He made the whole family travel to Cas' house, and basically invited himself over, because he wanted them to spend more time with God- which seemed to just be an excuse for him ruling over their life.

Dean had asked Cas who Zachariah was once, and he had seen Cas' sisters heads snap to look at him, as if that name brought some kind of unspoken burden to the house. They looked like they'd seen a ghost, and Cas' spine had automatically straightened- like he was waiting for someone to ridicule him on something as stupid as posture. 

_Little child, won't you dance with me?_

As if he was waiting for someone to pull him apart and throw half of him- his faith, belief, going to church- to one side, what he approved of, and then- then the things that made Cas Cas. His love of the Beatles, his kindness, his selfless love for his family, his big words, his laughter, the smile in his eyes, his attention to detail- "Your father has... beautiful handwriting, Dean." He had smiled, knowing it was something only Cas would say, "Haha, uh, thanks Cas"- all of these wonderful things that Dean loved.

And he would throw them away. Because he didn't care if Cas was happy, or had friends, or smiled with his eyes, or laughed his soft, deep, rich laugh when he was really happy- he would throw all those things away. Because at the end of the day, Zachariah was just an old man who wanted to brag about his nephew so he wouldn't have to focus on how alone and pathetic his own life was.

_I'm so sad and lonely_

Cas was just a number to him, a soldier in his force, a sheep in his flock- an innocent man who didn't know what he had signed up for, the cruelty of the man he had placed his faith in. Zachariah was pretending to be a shepherd protecting his flock, but really he was a fool, prowling around a group of innocent creatures, using fear to make them do whatever he wanted.

_Baby take a chance with me_

 

*

 

"I'm here!" Zachariah ejaculated when he entered the house. 

Naomi and Michael hurried down the stairs, but in an orderly fashion- never displaying emotion as they hastened their pace down the steps. His brown eyes lifted to see them, nodding when he was met with expressions as equally impassive as his own. Lucifer held back, glaring at their uncle from the steps. 

Castiel considered it fortunate he understood the practice of caching his emotions, or his surprise of Lucifer's attendance would be rather obvious. The blonde rarely made his presence known, if it was present at all, choosing instead to speak briefly with Michael before rushing to their room- an action which caused Castiel to reside somewhere else no matter the reason he wished to enter their room. 

He, Anna, and Gabriel stood behind him in the upstairs hallway, occasionally glancing out from behind Lucifer's body before shortly regressing to their prior positions. Despite the undeviating tension between the siblings, the four siblings knew the other did not see Zachariah in the light Michael or Naomi saw him. Anna in particular seemed uneasy with Zachariah's presence, biting her lip when she saw their uncle. 

"Where are the rest of your siblings?" Zachariah said from the downstairs with a frown. "Michael, have you not been watching them?"

The four siblings looked at each other, Lucifer and Castiel glancing at each other, blue begrudgingly meeting blue. Castiel sighed, his older brother's presence already vexing him- no matter how short it had been here. Anna and Gabriel looked at Lucifer, who was frowning at them.

"You know, if you would like, I could get us out of here for a while- I mean, it's not a big deal to me," Lucifer said with a shrug, waving for them to follow him into his bedroom.

Castiel glared at his brother as they followed him, "No, thank you."

Lucifer rolled his eyes when he halted by their bedroom's window, "Your hostility grows tiring."

"Perhaps my _hostility_ is the only manner in which I believe I may speak with you. Your _consistency_ grows tiring."

"Castiel, whether your fight lies with me or not isn't important right now- a bigger one lies with Zachariah for _all of us_."

'Yes, because _you've_ killed people.'

Running off with Lucifer to avoid his family, there were numerous ways in which that was bad- so Castiel merely shook his head.

"Sorry Lucy, no dice," Gabriel said. "I'm staying with the fam."

Anna nodded, "We're needed here."

Lucifer looked at his siblings, raising his eyebrows before scoffing, sticking his leg out the window, "Your sense of loyalty is ill placed, and stupid." He stuck his other leg out the window, "These people don't care about you, they don't care about any of us."

And with that, he jumped out. 

Anna's eyes widened, and she turned to Gabriel, gaping at the scene she had just witnessed, Castiel simply frowned at the space Lucifer had occupied moments ago, displeased with his leave of absence.

Gabriel merely shrugged, "Not much we can do about that, Anna."

Even though Lucy was an asshole, he'd understood why he fled- hell, how many times had he been the cause of someone else's death? Michael didn't exactly like to show him off.

Lucifer liked to think he was so important, always thinking he could do whatever he wanted go wherever he wanted- and he didn't really care about much else. If other people got in the way, they would regret it. Zachariah seemed pleased to think of Lucifer as a monster and dismiss it as that, but Gabriel knew better.

His brother didn't go out of his way to inflict pain on others, or kill people he didn't like. Honestly he had never directly killed anyone, they had all followed him- and been killed by what Lucifer brought to the table, and he hadn't reached out a hand to save them. Because Lucifer didn't care enough to hurt people, and he didn't care enough to save them.

Lucy didn't attempt to lead a moral life for his family- or protect him from the dangers that followed with his gangs, because he didn't care about them. Gabriel could never see him killing one of his siblings, because they weren't worth Lucifer's time. If Gabriel were dying on the floor, Lucifer wouldn't take advantage of the moment and shoot him.

But he wouldn't save him either. Likely he'd just step over Gabriel's body, annoyed that it had been in his way in the first place.

And that's what made him so scary.

"Children!"Zachariah interrupted, calling nephews and niece once more, the edge to his voice not lost on their ears.

Gabriel looked at his siblings before putting on a fake smile, before losing it and replacing it with a joking smile- ah, that was better. He'd just do what he always did when his family was bugging him- bugging him, aka controlling his life, breathing down his neck, and causing his siblings to have nervous breakdowns- piss 'em off with his attitude.

_Little child, little child_

As Castiel and Anna silently followed their older brother down the stairs, Castiel noticed Anna's hands were shaking, and he wordlessly wrapped his own hand around hers, smiling at her softly. She smiled wearily at him, thankful as she briefly squeezed his pale hand.

_Little child, won't you dance with me?_

He felt sick to his stomach when he saw the smirking old man greet Gabriel, holding back the bile in his throat as his uncle waved to him with fake cheerfulness.

"Hello, Castiel."

_I'm so sad and lonely_

His uncle frowned, "Anna."

_Baby take a chance with me_

Castiel glared at the man before them. The man he had trusted, the man who had promised to always be there for him, to always listen to him, and love him. 

But really, shouldn't Castiel be used to those who claimed to love him hurting him?

 

*

 

"Hey Sam," Dean said from the living room's faded couch, looking at his hat, "ya wanna go over to Bobby's on Tuesday?"

"Well," Sam said from the kitchen table, never looking up from his book, "Jess invited me over tomorrow- so could we go to Bobby's in the morning?"

Dean smirked, "You and her sure have been spending an awful lot of time together lately, you've been talking about the chick since you met her, Sam."

Sam frowned, "So?"

"Oh, nothing, nothing" Dean said with a grin, "just an observation is all. I'm glad you guys are... _friends_."

 Sam rolled his eyes, before pausing, and looking at Dean with a smirk, "So uh, why'd you ask me to tag along Dean?"

 Dean shrugged in his leather jacket, "Oh, I don't know- guess I thought you'd be lonely here by yourself."

"Uh huh, so, you didn't want me to feel left out?" Sam's smirk grew as he stood up from the kitchen, a younger parody of Dean's own expression, "Why, have you been going with someone else?"

Dean lost his nonchalance, eyes widening, "What, I mean-"

Sam smirked, looking at him as he leaned against the living room wall, "Have you been going with... _Castiel_?"

Dean's eyes widened further, and his words tumbled out of his dark mouth, "Well, I mean, maybe once or-"

"You and him sure having been spending an awful lot of time together lately, you've been talking about the guy since you met him, Dean."

Dean frowned, knowing his brother's game, "What's wrong with that? _We're_ just friends."

Sam nodded, "Good. I'm glad you guys are... _friends_."

"Oh fuck off Sam," Dean said with a frown, cheeks heating. "We _are_ just friends."

Sam smirked, "They always are in the beginning."

Dean's response was a pillow to Sam's face.

" _Hey_!"

*

The problem with Uncle Zachariah, is that he continuously caused discomfort for those around him. Anna had not stopped shaking since he had arrived, her body never fully allowing her to calm down in his presence. Gabriel seemed angry the duration of their Uncle's visit, only offering condescension as response to any attempt their uncle made to start a conversation with him.

Castiel knew the dangers of upsetting their uncle, and advised Gabriel to speak with far more respect than what he was showing. He too had once dared to disobey Zachariah, befriending children who did not regularly attend church- as Cas had once done. This was a mistake he did not repeat.

"So," Zachariah said when the family sat down. "How is everyone? How is school? How is work?"

"Work has been satisfactory Zachariah," Michael said cooly. "Gabriel and I have been working with The Gods, and I believe Gabriel is considering a permanent position there."

Zachariah raised his eyebrows, nodding before he turned to face Gabriel, "Is that true?"

"Yeah," Gabriel said while eating, he swallowed, "I'm trying to make a life outside of this house- but hey, what are the chances of that being allowed?"

Castiel looked at his brother, shaking his head at his pointless attempts at rebellion.

Zachariah said nothing, returning to his food before frowning at Gabriel, sternly saying, "It is not wise to eat while you're still speaking."

Gabriel sighed with a full mouth, rolling his eyes.

Castiel tried to hide his astonishment, looking at his brother with wide eyes, shaking his head. If he was not careful, perhaps he would be punished for being so- Castiel lurched, curling in on himself as he made an attempt not to be sick at the table.

Zachariah's eyes snapped to him, taking in his posture, "Are you alright, Castiel?"

Castiel looked up fearfully, silently nodding with a nervous tremor in his hands. He did not look at Anna, who was seated next to him, despite his wish to do so. Perhaps if he did not direct his attention to his sister, his uncle would not either- for once Castiel hoped Naomi would speak, surely she would receive positive attention from Zachariah.

"Do you intend to speak?"

Castiel's head snapped back from his lap, and he nodded, before realizing what was expected of him, "Y-Yes."

Zachariah sighed, "Let's try this _again_ , do you intend to _speak_ , Castiel?"

Castiel felt his face heat up, and ducked his head, humiliated as he knew Michael and Naomi were likely smirking at Zachariah's obvious disappointment in him. Castiel sighed, Why couldn't he stop disappointing people for once? Was that so hard for him?

His face darkened, humiliation masking his features as he spoke with a nervous voice, "Yes, I am able to, and I intend to, speak, Uncle Zachariah."

Zachariah nodded, "How are your grades?"

Castiel's unease dematerialized as fear overtook him, knowing Zachariah's true question, "Well, sir."

"I see your response was short, is there something you're not telling me?"

He shook his head, "No, sir. I simply am doing well in my education."

Zachariah frowned, "Are you praying every night?"

"Yes, sir."

"When was the last time you went to church?"

He sighed inwardly, thank goodness for his cousins, "I attended mass with Samandriel and his family last week."

Zachariah's frown deepened, clearly displeased with Castiel's stupidity- if he hadn't been- if the preacher hadn't... punished him, perhaps he could drive himself and not be such a nuisance to others.

"How'd you get there?"

Anna spoke for the second time in his presence that day, "I drove him, sir."

Castiel looked at her with worry, fearful Zachariah would bring her pinto this as well. The two relations he was most unpleased with, in a car together- for an hour, able to speak with one another, in Zachariah's mind surely there was nothing worse than that. Though Castiel had reason to be hated, to his knowledge Anna still had none.

"Well," Zachariah said with a sigh, "What an interesting ride that must have been."

*

 

_If you want someone_

Castiel tossed in his sleep, breaking into a sweat. Thoughts of the man once again plaguing his dreams as he attempted to find peace.

_To make you feel so fine_

Old, saggy hands were pushing down once more and he was no longer safe in his own mind. His pleas ring out in his mind as he recoils from last touches in his bed, only to be hit for his disobedience. The blankets twisted around Castiel's legs, holding him down, making it so the 18 year old couldn't escape.

_Then we'll have some fun_

The fear, the blame, the sadness ripped his body apart in ways the man could not. Though he did in other ways, and he heard the laughs of his preacher as he saw the littered scars of Castiel's legs, this being the only pause in Castiel's torture.

_When you're mine, all mine_

The fifteen year old shook with sobs, despite his attempts to silence himself- he was to take his punishment silently, not cry as a child would. The preacher was only doing what was necessary- but no, no it hurt! He didn't want this. He didn't want this!

_So come, come on, come on_

Castiel groaned in his sleep, turning once more in his bed as he tried to get through his nightmare- no, memory. Because it didn't matter what he wanted. It wasn't as if he was ever given it anyways- the disobedient were not rewarded, the bad weren't rewarded.

_Little child, little child_

_"Stop!"_

_Little child, won't you dance with me?_

_"Stop!"_

_I'm so sad and lonely_

_"St-stop!"_

_"Pl-h-hease!"_

_Baby take a chance with me_

Castiel shot up in his bed, gasping for air. He looked down at his shaking hands, attempting to regulate his breathing as images flashed thorough his body, overwhelming him with pain and humiliation. Why? Why was there always that?

Why did he always have to suffer? Castiel choked on air, his body rejecting the oxygen as it panicked. No, he was safe. He was okay. Not that he had ever been in any danger! The preacher hadn't been trying to hurt him. The priest had been trying to help him.

_When you're by my side_

Right?

_You're the only one_

But then, why had he taken so much of Castiel? Why hadn't he ever tried to help him? Three years had passed since the preacher had last laid a hand on him, and Castiel still felt his presence. Still felt his hot breath again his skin, his old, ragged hands pushing him down, his- being filled up with him, his legs being snapped open before he was shoved into with a pain no one had ever warned him he would have to suffer through.

_Don't you run and hide_

And of course, he remembered how much of himself the man stole. How much he took away without any warning. He remembered when the... punishment started again, and he had dismissed human contact in exchange for razors, when things had reached their worst.

_Just come on, come on_

14 and 15 had been such a dark time for him, since he had accepted that he never could be god- he just wasn't meant to be a good person. He still remembered hiding away under his bed, worried someone would take him- because everything inside him was already gone. All that was left was the 15 year old's disgusting body

_So come on, come on, come on_

_He takes. He takes from Castiel. He takes his innocence and his faith, he takes the 15 year old's happiness, and his smile. He takes any comfort Castiel once held around his family. He takes the sweetness in his voice, and he takes the blue in his eyes._

_He takes everything._

_But Castiel can't blame him, because Castiel is bad, and there is no hope for him in this world. He sees that now, sees that he is just a dirty little boy who never had a hope of becoming anything more than a smudge under the priest's shoe. He is beneath everyone, and he deserves nothing from this world._

_Anna loves him, Gabriel loves him. He cries himself to sleep because someone loves him._

_And he hates it._

_Castiel does not think no one loves him, he knows is he loved- but he is not worthy, he is a disgusting, foul, bad, false, excuse of a human- and it saddens him that God, a beautiful all powerful king, had to take the time to stop from his wonders and make such an abomination. Anna thinks he blames himself for their dad leaving, and Anna thinks his siblings are too hard on him- she thinks he has convinced himself he is bad because of his sexuality, and his sister thinks he thinks himself bad because of his religious upbringing, and that is why Castiel believes he does not deserve to be loved._

_He won't lie, it's a compelling case. Maybe that's what Castiel will use the next time he's forced to see a therapist. Surely they would be pleased with the tale of a boy suffering from homophobia. Or perhaps, maybe one of them would secretly be homophobic- and spend hours telling him how bad he was._

_Either way would be deserving of Castiel._

_He would commit suicide, has contemplated it many times- but then, who would punish him? Surely no one knows how to make him cry and beg for mercy better than the man who made a ten year old cry himself to sleep. The only other place Castiel would really fit in is Hell, but he'd like to think he has a chance of going the other direction._

_Even though he knows that's a lie._

_Perhaps he and Satan could meet over a cup of coffee. Most people probably think Satan to be a terrible, vicious, ugly being, but Castiel's always thought him to be rather arrogant, to take care of himself. If someone's going to rebel against Heaven and be sent to the fiery pits of Hell for their beliefs- they must put themselves first before a lot of things._

_So if you would do all that, why ruin it by not taking care of yourself? He's always imagined him to be a business man, well dressed and uncaring- settling soul's eternal torture over a desk. He's often wondered, if he were to go to Hell, how long would he speak with the Devil?_

_Would he look him in the eye? Would he care enough to have him tortured, or would he just simply have him relive his life? Castiel has wondered before when he would have this meeting with Satan, but no, he's nothing. Surely Satan would never speak with him, let alone shake his hand at a meeting._

_After all, why would the Devil want to dirty his gloves?_

*

 

"Dean, come on! We gotta go!"

He sighed, calling downstairs, "I know, I know! You think I don't wanna get out of this shitty apartment as much as you do? I'm trying to find my hat!"

Sam frowned, looking up the steps, "Are you seriously bringing the hat he gave you?"

Dean rushed down the stairs, putting the hat on, "Well... yeah. I mean, I just wanted him to know I like it."

Sam grinned as they walked out to the car, looking at him as he got into the car and said, "Course you do, always best to show that to your... friends, as you put it the other day."

Dean rolled his eyes as he started the car, "Fuck off."

Sam smiled softly, glad his brother was able to talk about- even if it was in his 'macho, manly man 100% heterosexual Dean Winchester' way, "Someone's defensive."

" _Someone's_ an asshole," Dean said, looking at him.

"Oh come on, you tease me all the time- don't act like I don't deserve this."

"What you _deserve_ , is a punch in the face."

"Jerk."

"Bitch."

 "Yeah, well, buh bye _bitch_!" Dean said as stopped in front of Jessica's house, glad the drive was short- this way he could spend more time just him and Cas, without Sam being a nosy little shit.

*

 

To say Castiel was relieved to see Dean pulling into the driveway would have been the understatement of the century. Zachariah's visit so far featured various questions directed to Castiel and Anna, condescension always masked- but not very well masked- beneath them. Christmas vacation was turning out to be quite insufferable, and he could not wait to escape this household.

_Little child, little child_

Perhaps this was why Anna desire to leave.

Castiel spent so much of his studying and praying, he often simply did not have time to hear his family complain of him. Anna was a large impact on everyone's lives here, always helping cook and clean- all of this while somehow managing to balance college. Anna constantly had to interact with those within this household, she could not avoid them as Castiel so often could.

_Little child, won't you dance with me?_

Zachariah's presence only resulted in awkward meals and more unnecessary arguments between the family. Truly,there was not a better example which could possibly show how fraught his family was as well as this did.

_I'm so sad and lonely_

Castiel sighed as he fixed his green tie in the mirror, deciding it's wearing he would appease Dean- as well as the mere fact that he enjoyed this tie.

_Baby take a chance with me_

The impala rolled into the driveway, and Castiel all but pushed past Naomi to get to the door. Ah well, he'd deal with the repercussions of his actions later. Cas opened the door with a grim, his trench coat flapping in the wind as he ran out to meet Dean.

Dean grinned upon his arrival, seeing Casiel's light green tie, "Nice tie."

_Baby take a chance with me_

Castiel smiled, noting the ridiculous police hat that topped Dean's head, "Nice hat."

_Baby take a chance with me_

Dean tipped it with a grin, "Anything for you, Cas."

He smiled, "Yes, and from me you.


	17. If I Needed Someone

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dean and Cas go driving. Sam and Jess hang out. Bobby speaks with Dean.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello dear readers, thankfully this chapter is on time:) Woohoo! I was kind of unsure about this chapter, so any comments left would really be appreciated. Thank you!

"Hey man, you sure you want to drive? We can just hang out at my house or something, you look like you've been through the mill, man," Dean said as they backed out of his house, not mentioning the fact that maybe he just wanted to hang out with Cas alone at home for once.

Every time Cas came over, Sam was there. Which, whatever- Sam wasn't a bad kid or anything, and he spent a lot of time working on homework. But Dean wanted to spend some time alone with Cas, even if part of that time was spent staring- appreciating- no, that really wasn't much better... um, _comparing_ Cas' eyes to others. Not that Dean had stared at guy's eyes before!

Well, not that often- maybe on occasion. But Cas' were different, they were big and blue, and mysterious- it was like a whirlpool around his pupil, or some poetic shit like that. Whatever comparison he was making, they were pretty.

"No, it is quite alright, Dean, though I appreciate your concern. Rest assured, I am serene," Cas replied, silently giving himself a pat on the back for understanding the expression- unless it was a reference, but he did not think it to be so.

"Oh, alright, just figured I'd ask- I know how family can wear you down."

"I will not argue with that statement, but at the moment I do not believe sitting would do me well. I believe it would be best to do perform a task which would distract me from my current anguish."

Dean chuckled, "Yeah, my- my folks used to argue sometimes, and my brother argues with my dad, I've been there."

Castiel noticed the sensitive subject, but did not mention the strangeness of Dean's sudden comfort with discussing them. Perhaps he was becoming more comfortable with him, Cas felt a small tug at his lips. He hoped he was correct.

"Rest assured Dean, you are not alone, my parents also had a habit of disagreeing with one another."

 _Had_.

Dean nodded, also not choosing to mention how Cas rarely talked about his folks. Ever, actually, now that Dean thought about it. Really this was the first time Dean could ever think of hearing about Cas' parents. Whenever Dean went to Cas' house- which wasn't that often, really, but still- he only ever saw his siblings, these siblings being Anna- and occasionally Naomi, and on one occasion in brief passing- Gabriel.

Lucifer and Michael could not exist for all Dean had seen of them, their presence was like a host over the house- their beds always neatly made and untouched, courtesy of Castiel. Dean had heard Cas mention them, and they seemed to have a pretty strong influence on the family.

From what Dean had heard, Michael was like a second dad to the kids- working all day and, being the oldest, making a bunch of rules. Of course, from what Dean had seen, everyone in that house was constantly working- or studying and doing homework. He'd never seen Lucifer, but from what he heard- the guy was kind of a difficult brat. Not that Cas had said that.

His insults were always far more formal.

"So, how confident are you in your driving, Cas?" Dean asked, turning his head form the road briefly to raise his eyebrows in question.

Cas bit his lip, "Well... I believe after our first lesson I am capable of starting the car without flinching as strongly as I first did."

Dean nodded, "Good, good. That's progress."

Cas frowned, "That is not progress."

"Sure it is, that's a sign of growing comfort- you're taking a step in the right direction, that's progress."

"Well, your positivity is reassuring- if slightly pressuring."

Dean shook his head, "Aw come on man, I'm a relaxed guy. I mean, you've had fun right?"

Cas nodded, "Of course I have."

Dean raised his eyebrows, "See? That's progress again." He grinned, "And not too long ago you wouldn't even admit when you were feeling like you were having fun."

 _If I needed someone to lov_ e

Cas offered a small smile, "Well... you make me feel things."

_You're the one that I'd be thinking of_

Dean looked at him, smiling softly, "...Good."

_If I needed someone_

*

Bobby Singer hadn't much left to look forward to these days, not that he was bawling about it- but, truth be told- he'd seen more death than most people at his precinct had. Which was probably for the best, really. Somehow he didn't think the newbies would like seeing pretty ladies split open on tables waiting for the Devil.

Course, Lilly Anders was a mystery case- never had found the girl, something that still threatened to send Bobby to cahoots. But nah- that kind of talk was for John, god knows they didn't need any more workaholics who blurred the line between their personal life and work life. Lucky for Bobby, he didn't have any kids lives to ruin- course, that meant he didn't have any brats to watch grow up.

Karen- his late wife, god rest her soul- had always wanted a bundle of babies, but Bobby hadn't come from he best home- and he wasn't exactly excited to find out what his kids would inherit from him. He didn't have his own kids, but damn if John didn't make him feel like he did.

He'd been wiping jelly from Sam's face and telling Dean to relax and be a kid since they'd been one and five. Hadn't always been easy, but hey, when was raising a kid easy? Course, their difficulties weren't from cooties and counting.

But putting down gangs, cuffing murderers, and avoiding new diseases was close enough right? Bobby'd always remember that. Eleven year old Dean and seven year old Sam had been with their dad on a hunt when they heard of an outbreak going around.

_"Bobby, I told Dean to shut himself up- doors and windows are locked, guns loaded- if Dean calls, tell me," John had said over the phone._

_"John, wait- Rufus and I are on our way up there anyways, we closed the Wendigo case- looks like the crazy guy won't be able to get his hands on any masks any time soon."_

_"Drugs wasn't it?" John said._

_"Yeah, guy's been downing 'em for years and lost it somewhere along the roa- wait, John, are you listening to me?" Bobby said with a frown, ignoring Rufus' questioning looks._

_"Yeah, yeah, got the Wendigo kid, nice job."_

_"Thanks for the flattery, but I'm not changing the subject- John, you can't just leave your kids at home."_

_John sighed, running his hand over his scruffy face, "Yeah, thanks for the lesson Bobby- but remember out of you, Rufus, and I- I'm the one with two kids. What do you want me to do? Sit in my house and wait for you to drive up here while innocent kids are being drugged?"_

_"No, but-"_

_"Then the best thing I can do is go out there, and trust Dean to look after Sam."_

_"John, the boy's only elev-"_

_"Look Bobby, I gotta go."_

_"John-" He sighed as the phone clicked on the other end._

_Rufus raised an eyebrow, "Kids again?"_

_"John again."_

_Rufus nodded, "Mph, that's what I thought."_

Bobby still remembered the awful guilt Dean had dragged around with him on that particular case. When the kid- the _little boy_ \- went out some time later to play games, apparently Striga came in and tried to shoot Sam up with the drug. Course Joh, _ever the hero_ , saved Sam before Striga could get him- and Dean, who had a gun himself and had been ready to shoot the guy- got a bunch of crap from his old man.

Crap he didn't deserve. Bobby knew bad parenting when he saw it- his childhood wasn't exactly bunnies and rainbows- and he'd intervened far more than any normal parent would allow. Lucky for him, John wasn't a normal parent- and liked to drop his kids off at Bobby's when he wasn't working.

Bobby had always loved watching those kids, even if John was an ass about it.

Sam always poking around the house, _"Books- may I read some of your books Bobby?"_

And Dean, always by Sam's side without anyone asking, _"Bobby, can I have some more pie?"_

Those two rug rats made his day, and even though he might not have been the best dad-

_"Don't read the ones about psychopath tendencies, and sure."_

"Dean, we're out of pie- if you want some so bad, learn to cook."

He damn well tried.

Watching the kids grow up- and go through Hell doing it- Bobby had grown close to them, and was better at weaseling secrets out of them than their own father, which he was mighty proud of. Dean definitely had treble growing up- especially after Azazel and his gang had him for three months- and he worried about the kid.

But this Castiel kid seemed good for him, and as the two drove up, Bobby felt a smile pinching his lips. Dean, as usual the damn metalhead, was blaring Zeppelin as the car rolled over Bobby's asphalt. Cas noticed Bobby looking at them, and, biting his lip, waved hesitantly.

The older man rolled his eyes, he wasn't the damn queen of England, kid didn't have to wave to Bobby to get him to like 'em. He waved back halfheartedly with a laugh, feeling like a soccer mom seeing her friend. But apparently the kid took it as a good sign because he seemed less nervous as the car slowed to a stop in front of Bobby's house.

Dean and Cas stepped out of the car, Dean smiling at Bobby like an idiot as he looked at Cas before smiling giddily. God that boy was so damn obvious.

"Hey Bobby," Dean said with a grin as they walked up to him, looking at Cas with a smile before redirecting his attention to the older man.

"Want me to get blue contacts?" Bobby asked with a raise of his eyebrows.

Dean frowned, "What?"

"Y'know, so _I_ can have your eyes on me."

Dean's frown turned into a glare as his eyes focused on Bobby, Cas hiding a smile as he too redirected his attention.

"Okay, so, now Cas- you know how to start, stop, slow, and speed up. You've got the basics, but now we're gonna work on actually applying them, got it?"

"Yes, I understand- honestly my driving seemed rather subpar, I am well aware I require practice."

Dean shrugged, "Just a little."

Cas chuckled, "There is no need to evade my sentiments, I am well aware of the fact that my attempts at controlling a vehicle were asinine, and you thought them risible."

"Okay, they weren't that bad."

"You said I sucked."

"No, I said there was room for improvement."

"Through your laughter."

"Okay, come on Cas. It was _kind_ of funny."

"I don't see what is so humorous about my driving almost killing us."

Dean sighed, before shaking his head with a laugh, "Cas, the fastest you went was seven."

"Oh. Well then, let us approach the vehicle- wi-with Bobby's permission," Cas quickly amended, turning to face him.

The man nodded, "Follow me."

The two teenagers followed Bobby out to his garage, approaching the- still hideous, in Dean's mind- car Cas had chosen for their first attempt at a driver's lesson. Since it was nearly January, the weather really probably wasn't the best for driving. A thin trail of sleet covered the roads, which Dean worried would make Cas nervous.

Luckily from what he had seen, Cas a cautious driver- though sometimes he could be a bit too cautious. Really he was kind of paranoid at times.

"Ya ready, Cas?"

The 18 year old exhaled nervously, "I thought it would be easier the second time."

"It will, don't worry. But... are you ready?"

Cas inhaled slowly, and exhaled, his breath coating the air in the chilly morning, "I am ready."

"Alright, so, like we talked about."

He nodded, sighing, "Like we talked about."

Castiel clutched the steering wheel, loosening and tightening the grip on the steering wheel as he stared ahead, biting his lip.

The 17 year old raised an eyebrow, "Uh, Cas?"

He turned from staring ahead, "Yes?"

"Are you... gonna start the car?"

"Oh! Right. Of-of course."

Dean smiled, looking at the young man beside him, "Okay, just.... put the key in."

Cas nodded, before looking at him nervously as he put they key in, "Put it in?"

"Just shove it in, Cas."

He bit his lip, "What if it's too rough?"

"It'll be okay. Don't worry."

"Are you sure I shouldn't ease into it?"

He sighed, "No Cas, just shove it in. Come on Cas, we're gonna be here forever if you don't. I know you're nervous, and you don't have a lot of experience- but don't be nervous, it'll be fine."

Cas nodded, and put the key in the ignition, "Okay. It's in."

"See? The hard part's out of the way. Wait, did you buckle up?"

Cas looked down guiltily, "Oh, no I didn't."

"Well make sure you do, you gotta have protection, Cas,"

He buckled his seat belt, "Okay, I'm protected now."

"Now, turn the key, so you can move, Cas- slowly."

"You want me to move it while it's inside?"

Dean stifled a laugh at his response, "Slowly. Don't worry, you'll work up to a faster drive- but slowly."

Cas nodded, "My apologies, this is not how I imagined this exchange going on."

"Hey, that's okay- it's different for everybody."

"Now, we're in an automatic car- so you have to change the gear for it to move out of park- see? This shifter right here, you're going to use it to ease into drive- but this time I'm letting you do it, that's why I explained."

He nodded, and did as Dean instructed, and the car began moving, Cas gasped, "It-it's moving!"

"Yeah, but that's okay- it's a car it's gonna do that, I'm not being an asshole- I'm just reminding you because you gotta stay calm man. Besides, at neutral it's really move like it's vibrating or something- you're not really moving at all, just stay calm Cas."

Cas nodded, "Right. Stay calm."

Dean nodded, smiling at his nervous... well, at this point they were only friends. Really Dean wished they could be together more often, hell, the guy had only spent the night once. On accident of course, and he remembered Cas had woken up in a panic when it had happened a week ago.

Luckily, the only one home was Anna and she had been worried about him- but not angry, asking him to tell her if he planned on staying over at Dean's house. Cas had been pretty surprised by that, if his reaction was anything to go by, since apparently he thought Anna would be mad. Now Dean knew Anna didn't mind though, and if asshole Zach wasn't here he'd use that to his advantage and have Cas over.

_If I had some more time to spend_

He sighed, wishing they could do it is more often. Dean realized they still hadn't moved and smiled, "Cas, you can ease your feet onto the pedal, don't worry. But remember, ease your foot onto the pedal, and keep in mind the car's going to move on you- don't freak out."

Cas nodded, and lightly pressed his foot against the pedal.

The car didn't move an inch.

"Cas, that's the wrong pedal."

"Oh."

_Then I guess I'd be with you my friend_

Cas stepped on the other pedal, forgetting to ease into it, and he car lurched forward. He jumped, before taking his foot off the car- not a good idea- and quickly pushing his foot against the brake. The car had only been going 15- enough to scare Cas- for a moment before slamming to the brakes.

Cas gasped again at the sudden jolt of the car. Dean looked at his panic stricken face and laughed.

_If I needed someone_

Cas hit him.

Dean gasped, "Ow. Cas that hurt!"

He turned to him calmly, "Good."

Dean scoffed, "Asshole."

Cas raised his eyebrows with a smirk.

Dean sighed, "Dammit."

"You know, your continued commentary on my dorsal side continuously leaves me confused as to the terms of our relationship."

Dean blushed, "Sorry."

Cas smiled, "There is no need to apologize. I like it."

Dean's eyes widened and he looked at the floor, "Oh."

"Um, you uh- the car- it's- it's not- it's not in- it's not in p-park."

Cas nodded, taking the car out of drive and changing the stick's position. He opened his car door and gracefully exited- how do you exit a car gracefully? Dean didn't know, but of course elegant Castiel did- the car.

He looked back at Dean with a smirk, "It's not very fun to be nervous, is it Dean?"

Dean glared.

*

"You know," Jess said, picking her head off of Sam's shoulder, "I think my mom wouldn't mind if we made some popcorn for this."

He looked down at her, raising his eyebrows in a way similar to Dean's "Really? Man your mom is the best."

"Well, when Christmas comes around she really stocks up- buttered popcorn, caramel popcorn, salted popcorn, cheddar popcorn, plain popcorn- she's got 'em all. She really likes Christmas movies, especially it's A Wonderful Life."

"The one where the guy wishes he doesn't exist and an angel comes in?"

She smiled, "... _Yeah_? Have you seen it before?"

"Bits and pieces at my uncle's."

Her eyes widened as she sifted closer to him on the couch, "Well, then we've got to watch it."

"But it's the 30th."

She frowned, "What do you wanna do? Wait till next year? Dude, we're totally watching it now."

He nodded, morosely thinking of how his dad would probably make them leave by next year. It wasn't fair, Sam was happy here- why did he have to leave? And Dean was happy here too, even if he didn't say it.

Jess noticed Sam's change and frowned, "What's wrong?"

"Sorry, nothing's wrong."

"Sure about that?"

He sighed, "I just- I don't know if I'll be here next year."

"Well, technically next year is in two years."

Sam smiled, "Yeah but, who knows if I'll even be here that long- I never know with my dad. You see... his job, it- it has us move around a lot. I just always feel bad, because I don't know if I'm staying or not."

"Oh."

Sam nodded, "I- I understand if you- if you don't wanna... hang out, anymore. I'm just the freak who's always moving, and you probably have cooler friends to hang-"

She kissed him.

Sam's eyes widened before she pulled away, grinning.

"You're right," she said with a grin. "I do have cooler friends to hang out with-" her grin grew, "But you're more than my friend, aren't you?"

Sam smiled, "I guess I am."

*

Dean watched Cas fondly from behind the window, smiling as he pretended to drive in that hideous carve insisted on driving. His pale hands gripped he leather as he turned the wheel, leaning to the sides as he pretended to turn a corner. Dean laughed when Cas jerked his body to the side too quickly, loosing his grip on the steering wheel and having his arm knock against the stick shift.

_Had you come some other day_

Cas pulled back like he'd been zapped by it, nervous he would somehow set her car into motion even though there wasn't a pair of keys in the ignition. Dean grinned as Cas visibly relaxed, exhaling as he saw the car had not moved. Cas turned around, and Dean ducked under the garage window, attempting to muffle his laughter as Cas looked at where he had just been standing.

Bobby raised an eyebrow at Dean, amused by his immaturity, "Boy, if you wait any longer to ask that kid out he's gonna find somebody else."

_Then it might not have been like this_

Dean frowned, "Shut it Bobby."

"Hey, mind your manners kid- I got a right to speak, 'specially when it's something like this. You need to hear it kid, just ask the boy."

_But you see now I'm too much in love_

He rubbed his neck, turning his head so Bobby couldn't see him blush, "Yeah, but uh- well Cas is... he's really... Um, he- you see, the guy's kind of- uh-"

"Oh for pete's sake boy, spit it out."

_Carve your number on my wall_

"He's a lot of things okay! He's... I don't know he's- he's special, okay? He's really attractive, alright? But then he makes me feel all this sappy shit that I'm just not prepared to deal with because I didn't sign up for some," Dean's eyes widened and his hands flew up in the air, "'become friends with this really hot guy but he's actually going to be the best thing that's ever happened to you so be prepared' trip. I didn't ask for that."

"Well son, whether you did or not you've got it, 'so be prepared' as you put it."

_And maybe you will get a call from me_

"Yeah, I know," Dean grumbled.

Castiel smiled from the garage, crawling out from under the window and across the garage so as not to be seen, hearing Bobby muttering as he left the room.

_If I needed someone_

Cas wasn't naive, he knew he was obvious to Bobby, but he hadn't known Bobby had noticed Dean as well. Nor had he thought Dean's enticement to be true, because surely someone like Dean would not like him. The 17 year old was truly beautiful.

_Ah, ah, ah, ah_

Dean had a collection of pine needles surrounding his eyes, they were so beautiful he sometimes feared they would prick his eye. Because he wanted nothing in this world to harm Dean, including Dean himself.

_If I had some more time to spend_

Castiel had only seen Dean's eyes pricked once, pricked by his own tears- and he did not wish to see it again. Dean's contained a forest, and Castiel wanted to protect those- because everyone knows forests are rare and beautiful. They may seem strong and formidable, but forests are only held in by mere roots- that could be pulled out by cruelty, and after easily destroyed.

_Then I guess I'd be with you my friend_

Dean was that as well. He was tenacious and perfervid, always standing against whatever life threw at him, as forests did, he stood tall and proud against the forces of nature, his brawny outward appearance a cover for his solicitous hidden personality. Cas had seen Dea laugh, and cry, he had seen him smile- and fake smiles for those around him, always considering those around him before himself.

_If I needed someone_

It was one of the many reasons Cas admired him so. 'But as what?' He asked himself. 'As a friend, or something more?' But he knew his ignorance was false, as they both knew what the teen thought of each other.

The only question is when would they admit it to each other?

*

"Castiel? Where have you been? Uncle Zachariah is becoming quite angry."

Cas nodded, surprised- and slightly fearful- that she had called him, "I am sorry, I didn't realize he was growing impatient."

Naomi sighed, "He is not impatient, Castiel. You're simply clingy and desperate for a friend and overstay your welcome- stop whining because you have to be home once in a while, recess is over, quit trying to make friends."

He flinched at the cruelty in her voice, "Yes, Naomi. I shall be home soon."

"Good," she said sharply before hanging up.

Cas sighed, approaching Dean with a frown. Dean noticed the defeat in his stature and looked over at him with worry, concern clouding the pines of his eyes.

"What's wrong, Cas?"

"My- my family wishes for me to return home, Dean."

Dean nodded, "O-okay." He looked at Cas longingly as they both got into his car, wishing he could help Cas more.

The drive was mostly silent, until Dean looked at Cas warily as they approached his neighborhood, "Are you sure you're alright Cas?"

"It is just- My family is often... troubling. Some of my siblings are not very... traditional in their ways of showing affection."

"So they're assholes?"

Cas frowned at Dean, "What? No, of course not. They are protective, and look out for me."

He sighed, "They keep you on a leash, Cas."

Cas' frown only deepened, "You have no idea what you are speaking of."

Dean sighed, "I'm just trying to help, Cas."

"Well, you're not being helpful- you're being rude and-"

"How am I being rude? I'm just addressing the situation."

"What situation? There is no situation going o-"

"Yes, you always take everything so personally- I'm just trying to help you out Cas, I've been bossed around by my family before."

"They do not boss me around!"

"Cas, you were nearly in tears because you accidentally fell asleep at my house."

"Well there is no need to be so rude in stating your opinions, your mockery-"

"What? Reminds me of your family? Do you not like it? Cause I'm the only one who ever gets any crap for it, you put them on a pedestal."

"Quit cutting me off," he snapped. "I am sorry if you do not appreciate the way my family and I participate with one another, but that is my affair and not yours- this is none of your concern."

_Had you come some other day_

Dean glared at him, "I don't get why you don't see how they're so clearly using you! Why do you let your family boss you around so much?"

Cas glared at him, "I truly would not recommend commencing on the path you have chosen."

_Then it might not have been like this_

Dean sighed heavily, knowing he needed to relax, "I'm sorry. I just- I don't like this. I don't like them pushing you around, and upsetting you."

Cas said nothing, looking at Dean with a defeated expression, not arguing.

_But you see now I'm too much in love_

Dean looked at him as he pulled up, "I saw your face when Naomi hung up on you. I just- I don't want you to be hurt, Cas- I- well I- you see I have these feel- um, I kind of... Well... I sort of-"

"Dean."

He looked up from his nervous rambling to see Cas' dark blue eyes staring at him.

Cas smiled, "I know."

"You- you do?"

He nodded, "Yes, I know."

Dean blushed, "Oh, well- can I... Can I..."

Cas' smile grew, "Yes, you may."

Dean grinned, "O-Okay."

Dean leaned closer to his seat, and put his hand by Castiel's neck, slowly guiding Cas' lips to meet his own. They were slightly chapped, but soft, and Dean gently pressed his lips against them, sucking on the bottom of Cas' lip. Cas gasped slightly at the new contact, but did not push Dean away, only continued to kiss him.

He gently brought himself closer to Dean, easing Dean back against his own seat, wrapping an arm around Dean's side as he deepened the contact. Cas brought Dean to his face once more as he settled on t of him before continuing. He softly ran his hand down Dean's chiseled cheek, Dean smiling under the contact.

Cas felt slight unease as he considered the possibilities, and slowly raised himself from Dean. He was content, and didn't want to ruin this. Dean did not mind though, only smiling from underneath Castiel.

_Carve your number on my wall_

"And they say nothing good comes out of arguing," Dean said with a smile.

Cas laughed, "Well, I would consider that... very good."

Dean smiled, before saying softly, "Me too."

Cas smiled, "So, may I call you tonight?"

Dean grinned, "Of course."

_And maybe you will get a call from me_

"Castiel! I heard the motor!" Naomi called from inside the house, "get inside!"

Dean shook his head, "Hopefully that's all she heard."

Cas laughed before opening the door, and leaving the car.

_If I needed someone_

"Until tomorrow, Dean."

Dean smiled, "Until tomorrow."


	18. I'm Happy Just To Dance With You

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dean, Sam, Meg, Jess, and Cas attend a party. Anna and Gabriel are excited. Castiel is nervous. Dean is nervous. And Sam is laughing at Dean's worrying.
> 
>  
> 
> WARNING: Slight non con, there is not a rape scene, but a non consensual situation is presented in this chapter.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know this chapter's a day late, but this week's been really busy- and this was a really long chapter. Hopefully you guys like this chapter, reviews would really be appreciated! And thank you for the ones I've received so far! And kudos.

Being with Cas was... well... kind of awesome, to put it simply. Course it'd only been for two days, yesterday and today. Tomorrow was January first, and The Roadhouse was having a party- which Dean and Sam planned on going to, and Dean had invited Cas to come with them, which hopefully he did.

Luckily neither of them had labeled anything yet- something Dean was kind of nervous to do, not that he didn't like Cas, because he did. He really liked Cas. But he was nervous about girlfriends, not to mention... boyfriends. Or whatever they would call each other.

Unless- did Cas even want to be that... kind of thing? Great. Cas probably didn't even really like him, and now Dean had gone and become all whiny and needy. But then, Cas seemed pretty into him when they kissed.

Kissed.

Yeah, they did that. Both of them. Kissing. It was a mutual thing. And they did it!

Not- not... _that_. They didn't do IT. But- well...

They kissed, and it was great! Honestly, he thought he'd never work up the nerves to kiss Cas- and then he had! It had been so great, kissing Cas- he was soft, and sweet, and subtle.

It was something very new to Dean, and yet he found he really liked it. But that was what Cas did to him, he showed him all these wonderful things Dean had never even thought about- and showed him how wonderful it was to be bold, that it was okay to be unsure.

Cas made him feel safe, and vulnerable at the same time- something he'd never felt with anyone else. He put himself out there with Cas, and he had been scared Cas would turn him down. Not that he'd ever tell Cas _any_ of this. Kissing him had been such a relief, and it made Dean so happy. He wanted to do it again.

Dean really would have like to ask Cas yesterday on the phone, but Cas had never answered. Though he did received a text apologizing for that, apparently his dick uncle was still there and his family made him come downstairs to eat dinner with him.

Psh, talk about awkward family dinners.

"Hey, Dean?" Sam asked from his bed, where he lay reading.

Dean looked over to his younger brother, raising his eyebrows, "Yeah?"

"Cas is still coming to the party, right? He didn't call last night about it."

"He's still coming, no he didn't call because his dick uncle's still there."

"Oh," Sam smirked, "Did you ask him about it when you hung out?"

_Before this dance is through_

Dean rubbed his neck, turning to face the wall, determined to not speak with Sam about this, "He said he'd tell me if he could, and he did."

"Oh, alright, no need to get so defensive over there," Sam said with a smile. "I was just wondering what you guys talked about."

_I think I'll love you too_

Dean said nothing.

Sam grinned, "Unless... you didn't do a lot of talking."

_I'm so happy when you dance with me_

"Shut up. We talked."

Sam grinned, "If you say so."

*

"Cas, I need to ask you a question," Anna said quietly in her room.

_I don't want to kiss or hold your hand_

He looked next to him, as the two were sprawled across her bed, "Yes?"

"Do you have plans for New Years?"

_If it's funny try and understand_

He sighed, "I don't know. I told Dean I would go with him and Sam to a party- and Meg's tagging along as well- at their friend's house, but I don't know if I'm going."

Cas didn't tell her how much he truly wanted to go, how much he wanted to laugh with Dean, and talk to him. How much he wanted to dance all night and make him smile because he looked so _young_ when he smiled, he finally looked his true age. Castiel simply wanted to dance with him, and make him laugh.

_There is really nothing else I'd rather do_

She nodded, "I thought so. Gabriel and I noticed you had a bit of a skip in your step yesterday, and I told him I'd ask while he was at work-" she grinned, "that was the only way I could convince him not to run off and ask you right then and there."

_Cause I'm happy just to dance with you_

Cas frowned, unsure of what Anna meant, "I am assuming you meant to say I was in a pleasurable mood?"

Anna smiled, shaking her head in a way that reminded him of Dean, "Yes, that's what I meant."

"Oh," he averted his eyes from his sister, "Well, yes, that would be why."

She laughed, "Goodness Castiel, you're a terrible liar."

"What? It is why I was beatific. Dean requested I accompany him to a social gathering- that is something to provoke serenity in most youth, is it not?"

"Yes, but you're not most youth."

Cas chuckled, looking at his folded hands, "No, I suppose I am not."

"I mean, and I'm not trying to be mean- but, a month or two ago, this would have freaked you out. You've been going out more Cas, hanging out with Dean, not staying at home and spending as much time double checking your home-"

His head snapped up, "Do you wish me to? I don't have to go Anna, if that is what you wish- oh, I've been slacking haven't I? You're- you're right Anna, I shouldn't go- I should stay here- yes, yes it should stay here and study for when school starters again- or, or help clean up the ho-"

"Woah, Cas," Anna shook her head, "that's not what I meant at all. I'm just- I don't know, you've changed."

He paused, "Maybe too late, but yes, I have."

"What happened?"

He frowned, brow furrowing as he titled his head, as if the answers lie within the sewing of the carpet,"I don't know. I suppose my friends have helped me to widen my socializing slightly."

Anna nodded, "Which, before was...?"

"Nonexistent."

She nodded, "Right."

"Perhaps the occasional polite conversation at best."

"So, your attempts were miserable at best."

Cas' frown deepened, "Your attempts to raise my self confidence are always appreciated."

She laughed, "No, sorry, another reference."

"Oh." He bit his lip, "What movie must I ask Dean to watch with me then?"

He and Dean had begun a list of movies which Cas apparently needed to see. Unfortunately, there were not many days left to Christmas vacation- which Castiel oddly found he was enjoying for once- so the two could only get so far on the list, but they had already watched all the Back to the Future movies. Which Castiel found he enjoyed immensely. They had also seen a Clint Eastwood movie in November, something Dean had been rather pleased about.

_"There, now we have a significantly smaller amount of films to watch."_

_"Cas, what are you talking about? We don't just watch one Clint Eastwood movie."_

_"Yes, but, the amount of information you have told me would suggest I have seen multiple."_

_Dean grinned, "Yeah, well, I should still watch some with you."_

"No, Cas, it's from a song- a band- not a movie."

Cas tilted his head, thinking with a frown, brow furrowed once more, "It is not any Beatles song, I know that."

She smiled with her eyes, "You know, not every song by a band is from The Beatles."

He frowned, "I know that."

*

"So we're giving him a ride?"

"Yeah," Dean said with a grin, "Anna's covering him, so he can drive with us."

Sam nodded, smiling from his bed as he looked up at his brother, "Cool."

"Jess is still coming right?"

Sam nodded, "You sure you've got enough room?"

"Yeah, we should be fine. Baby can handle five people, no biggie."

"Five?"

Dean frowned at the mirror, still unsure of the sweater he was wearing, "Cas asked if he could bring Meg."

Sam raised his eyebrows, "And that doesn't bother you?"

Dean frowned, eyeing his brother, still facing the mirror, "No, why would that bother me? She's just a friend."

Sam raised his eyebrows.

"Not that it would be a problem either way," Dean quickly added, not sure if he wanted to tell his brother yet.

"Uh-huh," Sam said with a smirk.

Dean's frown deepened and he turned to face his brother, "Are you gonna be like this all night?"

"What?"

"A bitch that's what."

"I'll stop being a bitch when you stop being a jerk, besides, I wasn't being a bitch."

Dean rolled his eyes, "Seriously though, don't laugh at me- how do I look?"

Sam stood up from the bed, walking towards his brother, "Hm, well- Dean, it's just a party. With Jo and her friends and family, just dress how you normally would."

"Well, what if how I normally dress isn't good enough?"

Sam shook his head, "You'll be fine. Look, you're wearing a sweater- and that's not how you would normally dress, so take the sweater off."

"You sure?"

Sam sighed, rolling his eyes, "Yes, Dean, I'm sure."

Dean rolled his eyes as well, "Alright, alright- no need to be bitchy, just asking a question."

Sam shook his head with a smile, and then looked his brother over. Without the sweater on, Dean appeared far more comfortable- and he wasn't as heated. Good, wearing a sweater when surrounded by people was never good.

However, now Dean seemed more unsure, biting his lip as he looked at his jeans. They weren't bad, actually, from what Sam knew- they were his best pair. Instead of a sweater he now wore a plain white t-shirt. Hm, perhaps not that- if he really did want to appear slightly dressed up.

Sam frowned, handing him a nicer- ironed- shirt, "Here, take the white one off and put the green shirt on."

Dean raised his eyebrows, "One layer?"

Sam paused, "Yeah, good point. Here, why don't you keep the white shirt on- and then just wear your green jacket? It's not too heavy."

Dean nodded, "You think it'd be too much if I took the leather jacket with me?"

Sam raised his eyebrows, "You considered not wearing it?"

Dean frowned, looking at the mirror before putting on the green jacket, followed by the leather one, "Yeah, so?"

Sam raised his hands in the air in mock defense, "Nothing, just a comment."

Dean sighed, "Yeah, well, you ready to go?"

Sam nodded, "Jess first, right?"

Dean rolled his eyes, "Yeah, yeah, your girlfriend first."

Sam raised his eyebrows, knowing he could say something, but said nothing. He shook his head before Dean grabbed his keys off his bed, waving for Sam to follow him.

*

"Would you culminate your whistling, Gabriel?" Castiel huffed, as his pale hands gently moved clothes around in his drawers, searching for his green tie, always careful to reorganize his clothes.

Gabriel grinned, "Just showing my respects to my favorite little brother."

"Wolf whistling is not very respectful, most would argue it objectifying."

"Ugh, you're no fun- Anna, would you wolf whistle with me?"

"Gabriel, leave him be- Cas, you look nice."

Cas frowned, his brow furrowing as he turned to see Anna, who was watching him from their door, "Thank you, Anna."

"Would it kill you not to frown once in a while, Cassie?"

Castiel sighed, shaking his head as he continued to go through his drawer, "I have attempted forcing a smile before- I would not suggest you request I do it again. It's most unpleasant."

"Aw, come on- let me see, turn that frown upside down!" Gabriel said in an annoyingly cheerful tone.

Cas' frown deepened.

She walked over to him, "Now, Castiel, I've managed to have Zachariah distracted for three hours- Gabe's going to talk to him about his job, show him around a bit. It's a bit of a tour, and it's kind of long- and I'll be there as well, so that should help. But don't be late getting home," Anna said, emphasis on her last sentence.

"Yeah Cinderella, I'd like to keep my minimum to three hours, and he's not the easiest to distract, so please don't make me improvise."

Cas frowned, "You're right, perhaps this feat is too difficult to achieve-" his frown deepened, and he looked up at his siblings with worry. "Perhaps I should not go, this way no one has anything to risk- besides, it's only a party, I can afford to miss it, and that way I can study for my cla-"

"You're going!" Gabriel and Anna said in union.

"Naomi and Michael are working, and this has already been planned out- which I didn't mind doing by the way, it'll be fine," Anna said.

"Now, pretty boy- are you wearing the trench coat or not?"

Cas frowned, "Why would my coat not accommodate me?"

Gabriel sighed, rolling his eyes, "Oh good god- it's a coat, not a date. And because it's a party, it'll be hot, and you wear it everyday- everywhere."

Cas looked at the coat he wore, "Must I?"

Anna shook head head, "It's fine Cas, you can keep it on- it was simply a suggestion."

"Would you at least lose the tie?" Gabriel said with another sigh.

"What if I wore the green in the blue tie's place?"

Anna shrugged, "That's fi-"

"Please, Cassie? Come on, it's a party- not church.

Cas sighed, "Fine. I won't wear my tie."

"And maybe you could lose the under suit?"

Cas frowned.

"Or-or not," Gabriel nodded, "Or not."

Anna smiled, "Come on, Zachariah's waiting at The Gods. Besides, Dean should be here soon."

The three siblings hurried down the stairs, and Cas felt his happiness grow. It was only a few months ago that conversations between he, Anna, and Gabriel were so very strained. Anna noticed her brother smiling with his eyes, and grinned. She nudged Gabe's shoulder as they went down the stairs and he raised an eyebrow, before smiling as well.

The three reached the end of the stairs and looked at the door, each wondering what this party would bring. Anna bit her lip, not voicing her fears- she knew she should encourage Cas to go, and she had- but part of her was worried. What if a stranger tried to dance with him? What if they made Cas uncomfortable?

No, she needn't worry- Castiek would be with Dean, and from what Anna had seen, Dean and he had become very close friends. Surely he would look out for Castiel, there was no reason for Anna to worry about her little brother.

Gabriel noticed her worried expression and rolled his eyes, silently telling her to relax. She sighed, but nodded, looking at her little brother hopefully. This was it. Cas was going to a party, with friends, to celebrate a holiday- yes, this was normal. And he was doing just fine with it.

Since Castiel had only been a few months old when his mother passed, Anna's doting on her baby brother had only increased as she grew. He was one of the few people in this house she felt truly cared for her, and Cas gave her purpose- she didn't know what she'd do without him.

Anna was well aware that she and Castiel did not appear very much alike, but you could tell they were siblings in other regards. They both had similar mannerisms, whether that be speaking patterns, or the way their eyes would squint when they were angry, or their annoyed frowns- spotting it was hard, but the similarities were there.

They both had softer chins, and similar mouth shapes- they both had softer voices, and where the others were emotionless, they were simply calm. Really, Anna felt she had more in common with Castiel on the inside than she would ever have with Naomi.

She heard the honk of Dean's car and felt the sudden desire to keep her brother by her. Cas looked at her and Gabriel and stood up,walking to the door. Anna saw Dean getting out of the car and walking up, and walked over to join her brother.

The red head looked at him with a sudden tenderness Cas didn't expect, and she carefully wrapped her arms around him, enveloping him in a soft hug. He was startled for a moment, before sighing and hugging her back.

"I'll be back soon," Cas said softly.

She nodded, raising her head from against his chest, "Have a good time, Castiel."

Gabriel winked at him, "Knock 'em dead, kiddo."

He frowned, "I don't believe they would receive attempted murder very well, but I often don't understand your jokes- so I'll pretend I didn't hear that.

Gabriel scoffed, "Sure thing, kid." His eyes widened as Dean knocked on the door, "Holy shit, is that Dean? I didn't know he looked like-"

Castiel glared at him, "Gabriel!"

"What? I'm just congratulating you on your man-"

Anna opened the door with a smile, glaring at Gabriel before Dean stepped in.

"Hello, Dean- sorry, I held Cas back, he's ready to hang out," Anna said with a smile.

Dean looked at Cas, raising his eyebrows with a smile, "No, no that's fine, Anna."

Gabriel smirked, "Now, now, Cas- don't stay out too late, and remember we love you- and if a girl says that to you tonight, walk away. Be that dick, it's worth getting away from that."

Cas frowned, turning to his brother, glaring, " _Goodbye_ , Gabriel."

Gabriel grinned, opening the door for he and Dean, "Yeah, yeah, goodbye- be home soon! I love you Cassi-"

Cas closed the door behind them, sighing as they walked down the small porch, "Sorry about that."

Dean laughed, "That's fine, Cas. I take it that was Gabriel?"

He sighed, "How could you guess?"

"Well, hurry along Cassie- don't want to be held back from _hanging out_ ," Dean said with a smirk.

Cas rolled his eyes as they approached the Impala, "Shut up."

Dean smiled mockingly, before dropping the smile and opening the door for Cas. He looked at Dean, who was raising his eyebrows as he held the door open, unsure if it had been too much. Cas looked down at the tan outstretched hand and blushed, accepting Dean's gesture.

Castiel slid into the front seat, Dean slipping his hand from Cas' before closing the door. His blush only darkened when he saw Jessica, Sam, and Meg looking at him smugly from the backseat. Meg smirked and raised her eyebrows, her gaze never leaving Castiel as Dean slid into his seat and started the car.

*

Jo welcomed his brother and friends into The Roadhouse with a grin, having expected a small group from Dean's car- though she was surprised two of these were Meg and Cas. Sam couldn't exactly blame her for either, especially since Meg Masters did not often associate herself with Jo- she mostly kept to Cas, flitting by his side in the hallway.

Despite Jo's surprise, she didn't ask about the brunette's presence- which Sam was grateful for. Meg was always nice to him, and he knew she was a friend of Castiel's so he didn't want anyone to stir trouble with her. Meg actually seemed rather comfortable in their crowd, but of course she seemed a pretty easy going person in general.

Who didn't seem very comfortable was Castiel. Sam had seen Dean looking at him multiple times- of course, he was always looking at him, so it could mean nothing. Still, Cas didn't seem very in his element here, though sometimes Sam didn't think Cas had much of one, since he was uncomfortable in so many places. It was a wonder he and Meg were seen together so often.

Meg was currently talking to Jess, about what Sam didn't know, but he was happy the two females were getting along. Sam didn't want anything to upset Jess, he wanted her to have a great time tonight. She certainly looked like she was having a good time, laughing and smiling with his brother and Meg.

Jess grinned, "And then my dad came downstairs, and my feet- being as graceful as they are- decided 'You know what'd be a great idea? Tripping on nothing and breaking the plate'."

Dean and Meg laughed loudly, Sam's brother's shoulders shaking as he did so, grinning as she continued.

She smiled, "That was one birthday he never forgot, and one I never lived down- I decided I was too much of a klutz to make cake, just ask my mom."

_I don't need to hug or hold you tight_

Sam smiled at the laughter she caused, shaking his head at Jess. She looked great tonight, of course, she always looked great- but her appearance made Sam feel, as usual, underdressed. Her long curly was down, framing her tan face, and she wore a pencil black skirt with a sparkly red shirt and black high heels.

_I just want to dance with you all night_

Jess caught his gaze and smiled, grabbing his hand and leading him off to dance.

Sam was pulled back away by a laughing Jess, "Woah!"

_In this world there's nothing I would rather do_

Dean laughed at his brother's surprise, cheering as Jess lead his startled brother to the dance floor.

_Cause I'm happy just to dance with you_

"Why aren't you out there dancing, Clarence?"

_Just to dance with you_

Dean turned to see Meg, who was raising her eyebrows at Cas, and (surprise!) actually got a response. She spoke to him with ease, almost daring him to do as she asked- and he listened, and responded. To her!

What was _she_ doing right? Huh? What was so great about her?

She grinned at Cas, "Come on Clarence, don't you wanna dance?"

Cas looked up at her, biting his lip, "I don't think I should."

_It's everything I need_

She nodded towards the dance floor, "Aw, don't be a downer- you know you're gonna regret it if you don't."

Dean glared at her. Why did Cas respond so easily to her? One question and he was having a conversation? Dean had been trying to get his attention for the past ten minutes! Well, he looked over at him a lot- and he tried to voice his opinions, really he did. It's just... he didn't know how.

_Before this dance is through_

But that stilldidn't mean Meg was allowed to!

Cas frowned, standing up, "Know that I cannot dance very we-"

Dean jumped up from his stool, striding up to Cas, "I can."

_I think I'll love you too_

"Come on Cas, I'll dance with you."

Any hesitance on Castiel's face vanished in a moment, replaced with a smile as he said, "Okay."

_I'm so happy when you dance with me_

*

The Roadhouse really was decked out, the stool's legs laced with streamers, balloons of different colors taped along the edge of the ceiling, New Years hats topping people's heads- Dean chuckled, topping their heads- and 'Happy New Year' posters taped to the walls. It was nice.

But Cas was there, so that made it great.

Cas raised an eyebrow, smiling at Dean as he continued to dance around Cas with a grin, shaking his shoulders confidently and raising his eyebrows up and down.

"You know, when you said you were a talented dancer- I thought you were lying, but now I see you're actually quite confident on the dance floor."

Dean smiled, "Thanks, Cas."

"Whether or not that confidence is because of talent or stupidity, I have yet to discover."

Dean frowned, but his lips betrayed him, quirking up as he shook his head, "Asshole."

Cas sighed, "You know, your fascination with my butt is starting to become an obsession."

"I-" Dean huffed, "You're a dick."

Cas raised an eyebrow at the insult, and Dean smiled, finally having stumped him.

"You know, you may feel secure because you have discovered another jibe- but that is merely another part of that general vicinity."

Dean groaned, and stopped dancing, frowning at him, "You're impossible."

Cas smiled, "Perhaps."

Dean smiled, shaking his head, "Well, I'm gonna go get us some drinks Mr. Know it all."

Cas smiled again, watching as Dean walked through the crowd and off to the bar. Even though he had been nervous at his arrival, Castiel found he was actually enjoying himself at this convivial gathering. Though he did feel slightly out of place around so many likely intoxicated individuals, he did enjoy spending time with Dean.

Suddenly someone was against Castiel, a bald taller man, pushing against him- he felt his spine pinch.

'Don't worry, it's a party- it's crowded,' he though in annoyance, tired of his constant social ineptitude.

But he pressed against him further, causing Cas to make himself smaller- hoping the unwanted man would leave. The man leaned down, closer, closer, **too close, too close!**

_If somebody tries to take my place_

"Hey baby," the man slurred. "You come here alone?"

Cas felt himself shaking and attempted to back away from him, "N-No. No I'm with someone."

"Aw, come on, don't be like that," the older man said, stepping closer to him.

Cas felt his stomach clench, no, no, no it was okay- he wasn't alone this time. He was older, stronger, this man couldn't hurt him. He shoved at the man, his shaky hands causing he man to stumble slightly before advancing upon Cas once more, leaning his body against Cas.

_Let's pretend we just can't see his face_

"Come on, baby," the older man said, leaning closer before resting his lips against Castiel's ear, "Let's get out of here, I know you want to be punished."

His mind went into overdrive. **No, no, not bad, not bad, he hadn't been bad- he had been good, he had been good there was no reason for him to be punished.** **There was no reason for this man to approach him- why could've he just leave him alone?!**

He licked his ear, causing Cas to shiver, shoulders shaking as he held back his cry- he wouldn't cry, the priest had liked it when he cried.

"I know you want it baby, I know you've been bad."

Cas' mind snapped at the word, and he shoved the man with full force, " _No_!"

_In this world there's nothing I would rather do_

The man fell back, knocking into others. He felt the people staring at him- and his pulse quickened. Oh no, what had he done? What had he done?! He shoved someone, he hurt people- he did something bad, he did something _really_ bad!

Cas pushed through the crowd, running in fear that if he went too slowly someone would punish him- _he_ would punish him, for being bad. Castiel managed to stumble out of the crowd, closer to the actual bar and away from those people- he noticed Meg look at him, running after him.

 _No!_ No it wasn't his fault! It was an accident! Meg shouldn't come after him! He-he didn't mean it!

"Cas!" He heard Dean call.

Castiel looked to the doors, no- there were too many people, too many people who might tell the preacher- who might- who might- he ran to the bathroom, ducking through crowds of people. For once he was glad there was a big crowd, it was far easier to disappear- maybe if he had hid in the bathroom for the night, maybe- maybe he'd be okay!

Cas hurriedly opened the door, wood banging against wood in his rush to get inside the bathroom. He wished he could lock the entire bathroom, but one stall was his only option at this point, his only hope to escape being- being- seeing the preacher. Castiel locked the stall's door behind him, and crouched on the toilet, praying God would consider him worthy and keep him hidden.

_Cause I'm happy just to dance with you_

*

Dean frowned, running to Meg who- for once- didn't wear the same calm expression she usually did, "Meg! Where'd Cas go? Why'd he run off?"

She looked at him, panicked, "I-I don't know! He just- I think someone wouldn't leave him alone!"

" _What_?"

Meg bit her lip, looking at him worriedly, "I don't know he- he has this thing, about people touching him! He doesn't like it. I mean, he doesn't do well with- with people coming on to him. You didn't do anything did-"

"No! No of course not, are you crazy?" Dean said over the music in bewilderment.

"I know, I know alright- but I'm gonna ask. I had to. But I can guess what happened. I saw some guy fall, and Cas ran. It's a party Dean, people are drunk- the guy was probably wasted and being an ass."

"What?!"

"I'm just saying there's a good 90% chance that's it, Dean."

Dean glared out at the crowd, green eyes searching for anyone he could hold guilty, "When I find out who- if that's right I'm gonna- _nobody_ should make someone that uncomfortable! I don't care if the guy was drunk- that- that's not allowed! That doesn't get to happen! Ever."

"But-" he sighed, furious that someone could make Cas so frightened, "We gotta find Cas," Dean said, looking around for him as he talked.

"Jo!" Dean called, she looked at him, and he waved her over, ignoring the occasional look he got from others.

"What's wrong?" She asked when she reached him, frowning.

"Did you see where Cas went?" Meg asked, cutting Dean off before he could ask the same.

"A bit, he ran off to the bathroom- is he sick? Did something happen?"

Dean nodded, "I'll be right back."

"I'm coming with you," Jo and Meg said.

He turned around, "Jo, could you please stay here? Get Ellen?"

She nodded, running off and into the crowd to find her mother.

"Meg, you should stay here- less people the be-"

"I'm coming," Meg said with a glare.

"Yeah, but-"

She crossed her arms, her glare darkening, "Believe it or not Winchester, he was my friend first. Yeah, he was your boyfriend first, but I don't care- I'm coming."

Dean nodded, and they walked off to the bathroom, ignoring Sam's look of confusion- he'd have to wait for now. Sam and Jess looked at them from the bar with concern, and both started to stand before Dean shook his head, and they unsurely sat down again. Dean opened the door to the bathroom quietly, hoping not to further upset Cas.

"Clarence? Meg asked cautiously as she and Dean walked in.

There was no response, only muffled noises coming from the end of the bathroom.

Dean looked at the last stall worriedly, "Cas?"

The muffled sounds turned to sniffling.

He looked back at Meg worriedly before walking towards the sound, "...Cas?"

Hushed cries came from behind the stall, the faint sound of hands covering skin as Castiel covered his mouth, trying to quiet himself.

Dean's face fell, his eyes looking sorrowful as he spoke once more, "...Castiel? ...Buddy? It's- it's just me, it's just Dean."

The soft cries came from behind the stall again, and Dean felt his heart break further.

"Clarence?" Meg said softly, "Can you let us in?"

Cas spoke for the first time in a shaky voice, "I-" he hiccuped, "I-" he hiccuped again, "I don't w-wanna, Meg. I don't-" hiccup, "I do not- I do not-" hiccup, "w-wish to, M-Meg."

His soft crying started once more, though from what Dean heard it was obvious he was trying to control himself.

"Pl-" Cas' voice cut off, quiet cries escaping his mouth, he brought his knees up from the floor and wrapped his arms around his legs, trying to muffle his crying in his legs.

Dean's eyes widened, "Cas? Cas are you okay?"

"Please don't- please don't make me-" he hiccuped, "please don't make me come out. Please don't. I don't-" his voice broke off, and he hiccuped, wiping his eyes, "I don't want to."

Dean stepped slightly closer to the door, eyes softening further, "Oh, oh no- no Cas, no we'd never- we'd never make you do anything you didn't want to."

Cas shook his head, glad he'd only been able to cry for a few minutes- God this was so embarrassing, why was he always so embarrassing? Could Dean and Meg not have one night which didn't require them tending to his problems?

"I-I'm sorry," Cas said with a sigh.

"It's okay," Meg cut in, "We know you're sorry, and we don't think you did anything wrong."

"I'm sorry Meg, I just wanted you to have fun. And D-Dean, I just wanted to show you I could be normal. I'm sorry, I-I suppose I have ruined Jo's party."

'Cause everything has to be about you, Cas' his mind said angrily. 'Can't go _one day_ without complaining about something no one wants to hear.'

"Hey, Cas, you didn't ruin anything- you're allowed to be uncomfortable with a person," Dean said strongly, looking at the stall,"And you shouldn't feel bad when you do. That's a human reaction, discomfort- and you're allowed to feel it. Everybody is. Don't feel bad because you did too."

There was silence, as Cas thought about what Dean said.

"Hey, Clarence," Meg said softly from the other side of the stall, smiling, "Remember that time when you didn't want to go to the school dance?"

Dean looked at her, not knowing what she was going to do.

"You'll have to specify," Cas said from behind the stall door.

Meg laughed, "You remember in seventh grade when you didn't want to go to the school dance?"

"...Yes?"

"You remember how April Kelly said she liked you and wanted to dance with you?"

He frowned, unsure of where this was going, "...Yes."

"Do you remember how she thought you were really cute, but she was kind of an asshole and wouldn't stop following you around?"

"Yes...but I am not sure where you intend to insert your motivational message into this story."

Dean raised his eyebrows at Meg, wondering the same thing.

"Well, April made you uncomfortable, right?"

"Immensely so."

"Right, she kept forcing you to share her lunch and stalking you and got really mad that you didn't like her back- everybody thought she was weird."

"As lovely as it is to hear society stirring insecurity in a young woman, why are you speaking of this?"

Meg shook her head, smiling, "Cause April was really weird that's why. She was obsessed with reapers and death, and she was really manipulative- my point is, you had a right to be creeped out by her."

"I never said such a thing."

"Yeah, well, she was weird- and doing weird stuff you didn't want to do. Just like that guy out there. He's drinking, and you don't want to- and he's a creep. So you shouldn't feel bad for not liking him. Or accidentally pushing him. Just like with April. You didn't like talking to her Clarence, and you and I hid from her all the time, and you felt bad about that too. But you shouldn't feel bad for distancing yourself from people who make you uncomfortable."

Silence.

"Remember when I told her I was the leader of a cult and if she left you alone I'd let her join?"

Cas chuckled, "That was rather deceitful of you, but yes."

Dean laughed softly, Cas was so sweet.

"Yeah, yeah, whatever- nobody can afford to care about every lie they tell anyways. Now, you don't have to if you don't want to, but we'd really like it if you would come back Clarence- don't let some weirdo ruin you having a good time."

They heard shoes tapping the ground, and shuffling, before the sound of the stall being unlocked. Cas opened the door with a sheepish expression, looking at the ground as he stepped out. He cleared his throat, embarrassed he had required a party in order for him to stop crying over bumping into someone, why did he always overreact to such ridiculous events?

Dean cautiously stepped towards him, "Hey... You don't have to be embarrassed, Cas. Meg was right, you're allowed to be uncomfortable."

Cas nodded, "Sorry for stopping you two from enjoying yourselves."

"Please, as if I was enjoying myself without my sour Clarence by my side. You're one of the few guys I know who doesn't get annoyed with me acting like a bitch."

He frowned, "I wish you would not say that, Meg. That is a harsh and inaccurate accusation, you are more a rose than a... I would not call it that- think of your...more _austere_ personality as thorny pain."

He smiled softly- if a tad cheekily- "So beautiful."

Dean raised his eyebrows before frowning at Cas' affection- Meg was nice and all, he liked her- but that didn't mean he wanted to keep being blown off for her.

Meg rolled her eyes, smiling, "You're such a sap, but thank you."

He smiled softly, "You are quite welcome."

Meg looked at the two boys standing together, "Well.. I left my 'punch' at the bars so I'll see ya guys in a bit."

As she walked off Dean turned to Cas, "Man, I gotta ask- were you two ever..."

He shrugged, "More often than not, we were merely friends who were lonely together."

Dean raised his eyebrows again, "So you had sex?"

Cas frowned, "No! We did no such thing."

"So you guys don't have any kind of thing going on?"

The raven haired teen shook his head, "No."

Dean's eyes widened, "Oh."

His dark lips lifted, "Good."

Cas sighed, still feeling awful for interrupting the party- why must he always be so fearful? Dean noticed him and frowned, looking at the ground unsurely- before he smiled.

"Hey Cas, follow me."

Cas frowned, but followed Dean over to the DJ- Ellen loved to celebrate New Years Eve- and tapped his shoulder. Dean looked back at Cas before asking him to wait a moment, whispering something to the DJ who nodded.

"What was that about?"

"Oh, I'm gonna mess with Sammy with a request," Dean said with a smile.

He grinned at Cas, slowly leading him to the dance floor, far enough away from the crowd to not be pressed against anyone. Cas held his hand unsurely, but was reassured by the soft squeeze Dean offered him, smiling. He returned Dean's smile- smaller- but a smile nonetheless.

"You know," Dean said softly as the a new song began to play, "We never really got to dance."

Cas frowned, turning at the song, "We... did to an extent."

"No," he said with a grin, "I danced around you, and you watched. Hey, what's up?"

"Was Ash using a contraction and you mean the same as he did? Because I am fine- but if you are genuinely curious- a number of things really- streamers, ballo-"

"Expression, Cas," Dean said with a smile. "I mean what's bothering you?"

He frowned, "I thought it meant 'What's going on'?"

"Yeah, but they're kind of the same thing."

"Oh," his frown deepened, his brow furrowing, "Expressions are rather flummoxing. To answer your question, I thought I heard a Beatles song beginning- but I do not believe any DJs would play The Beatles," he sighed, "unfortunately."

Dean smiled, "I'm sorry you have to suffer such a tragedy."

He nodded, "In reality, it is not as upsetting as most tragedies, but I appreciate your offering of condolences, Dean."

He smiled, "I was being sarcastic, Cas."

"Oh," Cas frowned, "Hmph, how rude."

Dean laughed, "Sorry- but hey, you never know- they might play The Beatles someday."

He shook his head, now convinced the song must simply sound similar, "No, I don't believe they wi-"

Cas stopped, and, recognizing the song, he gasped.

Castiel broke out into a grin, jumping slightly in his excitement, "Dean! Dean! Dean, they're playing 'I'm Happy Just To Dance With You'!"

His grin grew, "At a party! Dean they're playing 'I'm Happy Just To Dance With You' at a party! It's The Beatles."

Dean smiled, "Yeah, I've noticed."

Cas shook his head, still grinning, "Dean this is no time for your mockery- The Beatles are playing!"

For the first time that night, Cas actually began dancing- albeit, very badly, but he was dancing. He was rather awkward on his feet, but his glee of the music made it hard to notice that. Cas grinned, and hurried Dean over to the floor, laughing at his surprise.

_Just to dance with you_

"I thought you wanted to dance, Dean!" He said with a grin, taking his hand in his own.

_It's everything I need_

Dean laughed, wrapping his arms around Cas' sides, "Let me help." He laughed again, "Now I see why you don't want to dance- you can't."

_Before this dance is through_

"I am truly sorry I am not as talented as you are Dean Winchester, however, not everyone is as capable on the dance floor as you."

_I think I'll love you too_

Dean raised his eyebrows as they danced, laughing, "Cas, was that... sarcasm?"

He frowned, "No. You are quite capable with your body."

Dean laughed, "You do know how that sounds, right?"

_I'm so happy when you dance with me_

"Hopefully as I intended it to- a compliment."

"Well...it was a compliment- just in more ways than one, but thank you, Cas."

_If somebody tries to take my place_

"Yes, evidently I do not fair very well in speaking compared to the common youth of society."

Dean smiled, "I like the way you talk."

_Let's pretend we just can't see his face_

He frowned, "You do?"

"Yeah, it's fitting for you- smart, and nice, just like you."

Cas blushed, "Why thank you."

_In this world there's nothing I would rather do_

Dean frowned, "What do you mean, Cas?"

"Well... I am not very- I don't have... I don't have-" 'Come on, spit it out,' he thought. "I'm not normal. I'm not comfortable with... I don't want to-" Lie! No, lying was bad. "Mm... I don't want to have-"

_I've discovered I'm in love with you_

"Cas," Dean said softly, "I felt awful just watching you. So I'll tell you and stop this really awkward attempt at a confession of yours- I... Heh, now I'm awkwardly confessing- I like you. A lot. I really like you, I've been trying to work up the nerve to ask you out for a while now. I don't care if you don't think you're normal because I'm the farthest thing from normal here. But I like you- and I don't care if you want to do that. I really like you."

Cas frowned, "But-"

"Hey," Dean said softly, smiling, "It's okay. I just want to dance."

Cas smiled, nodding, "Okay."

_Cause I'm happy just to dance with you_


	19. Not a Second Time

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sam and Cas speak of homophobia and other topics, Dean finds their seriousness endearing. Dean's birthday comes around, his friends want to celebrate. Dean doesn't.
> 
> We learn more of Dean's time in "Hell".
> 
> WARNINGS: Contains mentions of rape and torture, fairly graphic depictions of torture.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, sorry this is up so late guys! May 6th is my birthday, as well as my aunt's and one of my uncle's, the 7th is my parent's anniversary, after that was Mother's Day- I've also been having a lot of tests and exam preparations so I've been really busy lately.
> 
> Comments on this chapter would really be appreciated!

"Y'know Cas, my brother's not much of a birthday celebrator anyways, I don't really think he'd care if you got him a present- honestly, 'Happy Birthday, Dean' would probably be more than enough," Sam said with a shrug, looking at is pacing friend from the couch.

"Sam, you must understand the sentiments I feel for your brother are slightly more than reverence or camaraderie," Cas said, raising an eyebrow.

Sam shook his head, chuckling, "Yeah, yeah that was made pretty obvious when you kissed at New Years."

Cas frowned, "You speak of the event as if such an event had not occurred between others, including yourself and Jessica."

Sam blushed, "Do you have to say it so loudly?"

Cas laughed, causing Sam to frown at the raven haired teen, who had stopped in his pacing of the wooden floor to laugh at him.

"What's so funny?" Sam said with a frown.

"Nothing, nothing, I simply find it amusing that I have become more comfortable with my feelings for your brother in the month than you have your feelings for Jessica," Castiel said with a chuckle.

Sam frowned, "Well, hey, I'm not bothered- sorry 'bout those who are though."

Castiel nodded, "From what I have gathered of society, homosexuality is considered taboo by those who strongly feel their relationships will be threatened by men copulating. There are other reasons as well, of course, I should not limit this discussion to merely one reason- it is also believed to be unnatural, just like organ donations, surgery, hospice, showering, the removal of a baby's umbilical cord, and plenty of other things."

Sam nodded, sitting up on the couch, inviting Castiel to sit with him as well, "It really is ridiculous," he said with a frown.

"How can we supposedly live in a nation that has freedom- if some people can't even get married? And every time someone tried to change that, they're shot down by those who are too ignorant to understand basic human rights."

"Exactly!" Cas said, bring his legs up on their couch, turning to face Sam with a frown, "Or, of course, there is the constant possibility of if a heterosexual person is to witness two homosexuals they too will turn homosexual, like when a boy sees a girl and automatically turns into a female- or an African American sees someone of Caucasian descent and their skin tone automatically changes."

Sam grins, "See? People need to start seeing arguments for what they really are. Some reasons against laws are good, and some aren't."

Cas nods, "Yes, when I was a child, I used to-" he falters.

Wow, that was stupid of him. Why did he try and talk with Sam about anything? He just started thinking of when the preacher would- no, when he made the preacher, because he was bad. Of course.

"What, Cas?" Sam asked, "Are you alright?"

"Oh, nothing, I was just going to say... I used to stand up for things like this. When I was little. I didn't know the extent of what I spoke, of course, but I thought it unfair someone shouldn't be able to marry another if they truly made them happy. Or I thought it unfair if a woman was too be shamed if she chose to giver up her baby, if it was conceived out of- out of...non consensual methods. I also did not believe God to be a wrathful being, as some of my elders tried to portray him."

Sam nodded, "I believe in God, really I do, but I think people have choices- and others shouldn't shove their opinions down peoples throat about how to make them."

 _Great_ , _religion_. His favorite topic.

Castiel nodded as well, "The separation of church and state is not something to be ignored, I do not wish to see politicians bring religion into their statements. I believe it is also not correct to make fun of those for their religion- it is not kind to make fun of anyone for their beliefs. Whether they be Christian, Hindu, Taoist, Jain, Sikh, Jewish, Buddhist, Agnostic, Islamic, or Atheist. Everyone has the right to believe, and in that right, the belief to believe in what they wish."

"Wow, how do you know all of those religions?" Sam said, the teenager looking at him with his big, brown eyes.

"As a child I studied various religions, they are extremely interesting, and learning of them helped me to repress my ignorance and censorious views to a minimal. Ignorance can be a crucial tool in society's rejection of uniqueness among others."

Sam nodded, "Yeah, sometimes people are just scared- and they run off from things unnecessarily. Humans can be easily scared off by something just cause they're not familiar with it. Or they can be mean to someone just because they don't understand them, and sometimes they don't even mean to, they just don't realize what they're saying is hurtful."

"Exactly! Most people truly aren't cruel at heart, and I believe that society is often too keen to apply that description to others. People can be mean, very mean- but I do believe most people are not 'evil' as some are so eager to exclaim. There are various reasons the actions of those around us."

"Right, I understand what you're saying- peoe have to realize that when most people do bad things, it's not bad in their head. That doesn't justify it, but most people don't set out with the intention of ruining the world. Sometimes people feel the need to show power, or they have a need for control, or maybe they have really strong beliefs."

"My point exactly Sam. You know, it was a twisted religious man who killed John Lennon," Castiel said with a frown, "David Chapman did not like that John said they were bigger than Jesus, and he thought some of his songs- Imagine, for example- were blasphemous. The murderer killed him, over religion."

Castiel could understand why he was punished, really, but he had never we understood why John Lennon had been killed. This wasn't even because of his love for the band, or for John, it was just wrong- it was unfair. Castiel was just a stupid boy who couldn't behave, but John wasn't. He was a good man.

The preacher had been giving him what he deserved, but John hadn't deserved that. Yes, the priest made him want to die every night, but that wasn't his intention- Cas just had needed to learn to take his punishment. To stop crying out and begging for it to end, to stop sobbing over a simple punishment.

_You know you made me cry_

He huffed, looking down at his lap irritatedly, "And isn't that such a cruel thing to be punished for? John didn't do anything wrong. He wasn't a bad person. I mean- some people- some people are punished, and it's unfortunate, but he didn't deserve that."

_I see no use in wondering why_

Sam frowned, looking at him with caution, "Well, no Cas, of course not- no one deserves to be punished so cruelly, people don't deserve to be punished over religion. It just doesn't make any sense."

_I cry for you_

Cas looked up from his lap, speaking softly, "...You think so?"

Sam's eyebrows drew together in concern, "Yeah Cas, I- I do. ...Don't you?"

Cas bit his lip, most people didn't deserve the cruel punishments they were given from religion. Well, really almost all, no one deserved that. Except him. Th preacher was helping him.

_And now you've changed your mind_

Right?

But then- what had his friends been doing? What had Dean been doing? Dean watching movies with him, checking on him when he was sick-

That was helpful. Sam inviting him to lunch, encouraging him to speak with new people, that was helpful. Meg talking to him about being younger, convincing him to come out of the stall, that was helpful too.

_I see no reason to change mine_

Did all help feel like that? Was that the real kind of helpful he strived for? Or was this simply a helpfulness he didn't deserve? And the others didn't know it yet?

_I cry it's through, oh_

Cas bit his lip once more before drawing it out, and looking Sam in the eye,".... _Yes_? Yes. Yes I do," he said, hoping Sam hadn't noticed his hesitance.

"Honey, I'm home!" Dean called as he opened the door, looking at the two males as he walked into the apartment.

Dean walked into the living room, seeing his younger brother sitting on their faded blue couch, turned to face Cas. Cas had his legs pulled up on the couch, an unusually comfortable position for him, and was turned to Sam, almost as if they'd been swapping gossip stories.

"You two look like a gang of old ladies waiting for their perms," Dean said with a grin.

Sam rolled his eyes, and Cas merely smiled, "We were."

Sam frowned, "We were?"

Cas nodded, "Oh yes, we were discussing how bothersome you are."

Sam's confusion disappeared and he nodded,leaning against the couch casually, "It's true. We're kicking you out Dean, Cas and I've decided we don't like you anymore."

Dean rolled his eyes, scoffing, "Cas, you don't even live here."

Cas nodded, looking at him with a serious expression, "Precisely why I'm moving in, Dean. I am to take your room."

Dean scoffed, "You're a dumbass."

Cas smirked, "Your obsess-"

"Don't even think about making a joke," Dean said with a glare.

Cas smirked, "And I'm told I am not much fun."

"You know, I think you've picked up too many Winchester habits," Dean said with a shake of his head, smiling down at his boyfriend.

Cas nodded, "This is true. I have accumulated numerous traits from you and your brother- thankfully your... stubbornness, and various other qualities have avoided me so far."

Dean laughed, "Only the good looks then?"

Cas frowned, tilting his head, brow furrowing as he looked at Dean, "I was not aware there were any present."

Dean laughed, shaking his head again, "C'mon Cas, I gotta show you something."

Cas raised an eyebrow and stood from the couch, following Dean as they walked up the small flight of stairs.

"What is it I am to see?"

Dean grinned, "That you're wrong of course."

Cas stopped, face the picture of calm, masking his fear- ' _no, no, stay calm, stay calm. You're overreacting_ '- "What do you mean?"

Dean smiled, "I'm beautiful."

Cas felt his shoulders drop and nodded, "Of course you are, Dean," he smiled, "Why else would I allow you to follow me around everywhere?"

Dean grinned, "Oh, I see- I just _bother_ you?"

Cas nodded, faking sympathy, "I am sorry you had to find out this way."

Dean smiled, stepping closer, taking his hand and stepping into he and Sam's bedroom before kissing Cas' cheek, "Bothering you, am I?"

He nodded as Dean slowly pressed him against the wall.

The younger boy grinned, edging his lips closer to Cas' with each kiss, "You...sure?"

Cas gulped, "Y-Yep. So-sorry...Dean."

Dean licked the edge of Cas' lips, softly slipping his tongue in, "You...sure you....want me to....go?"

"I mean....well...maybe...not- right a-away," Cas said heavily.

Dean stroked the back of Cas' neck with soft fingers, "I could....go..." he murmured as he licked the insides of his boyfriend's mouth, "now...if you....want."

"Well," Castiel panted, "I guess you...could stay..."

"...if you want."

Dean grinned into the kiss, "Mhm. That's what...I thought."

*

Since school had started, Cas had made more of an effort to speak with Meg- someone he often worried he would lose contact with- more often. He and Meg had been distanced numerous times and -over break especially- Cas had realized he needed to speak with her more often. Truly he was not much of a companion, always preferring to keep to himself and do his work, but he was trying.

Occasionally Cas would speak with Chuck, a classmate of his since he had started school, but Castiel did not have many students he regularly spoke with. However, this lack of socializing provided him with more time to focus on his studies, so his diffidence was not entirely in vain.

"Clarence?" Meg pulled him out of his thoughts that morning, "You in there?"

He frowns, "Where else would I be?"

She sighed.

Cas bit his lip, looking at her nervously from the desk to her left before saying, "Your response suggests your previous statement was an expression, is this assumption correct?"

"Yeah, Clarence- you owe yourself a pat on the back, it was an expression."

Cas scoffed, frowning, "I find sarcasm is becoming easier to recognize, and I must say I do not appreciate yours."

"Well tough, much as I love ya- you're too much fun to not be sarcastic with. Now, what's bothering you?"

Cas frowned, brow furrowing, "What do you mean? I am not upset."

"Well something's on your mind, you've been frowning off at nothing for about ten minutes now."

Cas nodded, "Oh. I am suffering a dilemma- minuscule, as it is it causes me distress."

Meg raised her eyebrows, leaning over slightly so she was almost bumping his side, "What is it?"

He looked down at her position before speaking, "Oh, I feel I have set you up, it is hardly something that would entertain you- but I cannot think of the appropriate gift to bestow upon Dean for his birthday."

"Well, he's probably gonna walk in here in a few minutes- so I might not be the best of help right now, but I'll try."

"Whether this is a lengthy conversation or not, I appreciate you offering your knowledge of presents and relationships," Cas said in his stern way.

It was kind of funny actually- no matter how hard he tried, Cas just wasn't a happy go lucky kind of guy. Besides, who didn't love watching his cringe worthy attempts at being positive and reassuring? Meg had seen it once or twice.

Not something she'd suggest doing again.

"Do you have anything specific you'd want to get him?"

Cas bit his lip, "No, I wish I did."

She bit her lip, "Well-"

"Hey guys!" Dean said with a grin, walking over to the trio's section of the homeroom.

Dean grinned at Meg, before kissing Cas' cheek and saying obnoxiously, "Hey baby."

Meg groaned, "Cut it out, Winchester."

"Meg, I know you'd rather see Cas and I getting it on, but we're in school- your sick fantasies are just gonna have to wait," Dean said with a smug smile.

She rolled her eyes, "In your dreams."

"Sure it's not in yours?" Dean said with a grin.

Cas rolled his eyes, looking to both of them from his middle desk, "It's like dealing with children."

Dean smiled, "You hittin' on a child, Cas?"

Cas frowned, "Of course not, I would never make advances on a child."

Dean nodded, shaking his head with a fond smile- really smiles shouldn't be adorable, but Cas just made them that way. Of course, he made everything adorable, not hat Dean would tell anyone that.

"I know, I know- just kidding," Dean said with a smile. "Don't get your pannies in a twist."

Cas' brow furrowed and his frown deepened as he tilted his head at Dean, "Dean, while i am perplexed by your previous comment, I am not currently wearing any contorted lingerie."

Dean laughed, putting his face in his hands, Meg grinned at the exchange, as Cas stood watching his boyfriend, dumbfounded. The younger boy had startled crying from laughing so hard, and wiped his eyes.

Cas' frown deepened ever more- if that was possible- his eyebrows drawing closer together as he said, "What's so funny?"

Dean laughed harder, "Oh... Oh, nothing." He wiped his eyes again, Whew. It's been a long time since I've laughed that hard," he shook his head. "Oh. It's been more than a long time. Years."

"I had no idea I was so humorous."

Dean grinned, chuckling, "Yeah, you're a regular Bill Murray, Cas."

Cas frowned, "I'm sensing sarcasm, Dean. Would I be correct?"

Dean smiled, "You would."

Cas rolled his eyes, "Rude."

Dean grinned, "I know, I'm sorry."

"No you're not."

His grin only grew, "Maybe not."

*

Dean hid things. He lied to people, he faked a smile and pretended he was okay when he wasn't, and Cas knew this - he knew when Dean was uneasy, or nervous about something. He just knew.

So when Sam brought up his brother's upcoming birthday at lunch, Cas knew Dean felt uncomfortable. As many jokes as Dean made, as fearless as he could be, sometimes he was shy. Cas had seen it when walking with Dean to get Sam, and a teacher would talk to Dean.

 _"Are you Sam's brother?"_ They would ask.

_"How old are you?"_

_"What grade are you in?"_

_When seeing Cas, "Who is this with you?"_

_"Is this your friend?"_

_"Are you both seniors?"_

It was sad to see the waves of relief that would roll of Dean's shoulders at the mention of Cas, really at the mention of anything that could steer the conversation away from himself. And, truly, these adults had no intentions but to be kind, but Castiel knew enough of Dean's father to know- Dean wasn't used to people wanting to know about him.

He was more than happy to talk about Sam, or his car, but himself?

_"I've got a 14 year old brother, he'll be 15 in May- he's getting pretty tall for his age, and he has this ridiculous hair and big brown eyes- he's great, really smart kid, genius, actually."_

This would be followed by endless prideful comments on how smart his little brother was, how kind he was, how much potential he had. That was easy, speaking highly of Sam was obviously second nature to Dean. Or if someone were to ask about his car-

 _"She's my dad's, beautiful, beautiful car- yeah my dad bought her when he was younger, she's a '67 Chevrolet impala, 327 four barrel, 275 horsepower- she's got a sedan, and she can pull through jus_ t _about anything."_

But as soon as anyone was to notice Dean knew a considerable amount of information about cars, he would shut down. Because realization meant questions of him, and Dean stiffened under authority- he became this while new person, and it truly worried Castiel, that he would change himself so much so easily.

The age group Dean was best with was children. People his own age, he always seemed to be in control, on top- but he never did seem at ease. The same applied to most adults, except Bobby Singer, and possibly others. Dean molded himself into a professional, a soldier- ready for orders.

It was around youth he truly seemed at ease, Dean did very well with children, though he would brush this off or deny it entirely were Cas to bring it up. Castiel had watched Dean around his little brother, he saw how the two interacted- he saw how Dean's while face lit up with pride and affection when talking about his brother, saw how Dean was constantly cleaning the house, and Sam's insistence he let him help, how Sam gave Dean his permission slips to sign.

Dean loved children, was a as simple as that- their neighbors had a puppy, strangely enough their landlord allowed them, but then, some were more lenient than others. Anyways, Dean and Cas had been walking around one day and the children and their mother had been out, walking the puppy. They apparently knew Dean to an extent, as they all gave him high fives and invited he and Cas to let their puppy.

His eyes had lit up, and Cas assumed he had never had a pet before- let alone a puppy. Really it had been incredibly sweet to watch but Cas never mentioned this part of Dean, just as he didn't mention his approaching birthday, but his efforts had now been made useless by Sam's current statement.

"So Dean, the 24th is coming up- do you wanna do anything?" Sam asked with a smile, it dropped as quickly as it had come, "Unless you don't wanna do anything- which we don't have to, by the way. I just... I just thought I'd ask."

"Nah, Sam," Dean said a with sigh. "I'd rather not."

Jo raised her eyebrows, "Well you're gonna be 18, Dean."

"Don't you wanna celebrate?" Charlie asked, "Or, maybe you don't because you're you- but you gotta at least let us do a little something for you."

"You're only gonna be 18 once, amigo o mine," Ash put in.

Jess simply looked at Sam, raising her eyebrows, who shrugged in response. He hadn't meant to open a can of worms, he'd just thought since there dad wasn't home yet they could celebrate. His absence was as much a relief as it was annoying, and it kinda pissed Sam off that his dad probably wasn't going to be there to celebrate- but he could ignore the irritation for Dean.

Despite Sam's- Cas knew- kind intentions, Cas could only roll his eyes at the commenting that ensued after his question. Dean didn't want a big celebration- Dean probably wouldn't want a present either, but that's why Castiel hadn't asked him.

"No guys, no parties- no big get togethers, no big focus on me, it's not happening," Dean said firmly.

"Yeah but Dea-"

"Charlie, please," Dean said tiredly, running his hand over his face, "Just... no."

"You're like a grumpy old man," Charlie said with a sigh, "But fine."

"Aw, come on Charlie, how can you say I'm a grumpy old man when Cas is sitting right next to me?"

Cas frowned, "I am not grumpy."

Dean scoffed, smiling, "Yeah, okay, you keep telling yourself that Max Goldman."

Cas rolled his eyes, "If I'm a wise grumpy old man you'd be an annoying little kid who won't let me age in peace."

Dean laughed, "So that's how this relationship is huh? I annoy you?" Dean said with a grin, careful not to say Cas was an old man and he a child.

Cas had a problem with older guys, had a problem with a lot of guys in general, something Dean had been wondering about for a month now. Before he thought Cas just didn't like talking about sex- if he were to ever meet a guy like that, it wouldn't surprise him that such a guy would be Cas. But he'd been unsure of that since Cas met Bobby, and seemed uncomfortable, and he'd known since Jo's party something was off.

"Immensely so," Cas said dryly. "It's like being followed around by a puppy."

Dean frowned, feigning annoyance before saying, "You know, you're a dick."

"I have one, if that's what you're implying."

Jess and Sam stifled laughter.

"Well I would hope so, or I would have been going about this relationship all wrong."

"Dean, please, if there was to be a girl in this relationship- it would be you."

Dean frowned incredulously, "Why am I the girl?!"

Jo raised an eyebrow, "What's so wrong with being a girl?"

Charlie shrugged, "I'very been with a few girls and _let me tell you_ , I've enjoyed myself quite a bit."

"Well, Dean wouldn't understand that," Jess said with a shrug, "Maybe that's why he doesn't like girls- he's never had the pleasure of being with one."

"Woah, woah! Why am I getting in trouble? Cas started it! Not me! Charlie, we know you've had great sex- you don't have to keep proving yourself," Dean said, rolling his eyes, "And Jess I have too been with a chick. Just... Cas is cool- so shut it."

" _And_ Cas is the man," Cas added.

Dean rolled his eyes, "Y'know, some people would say I'm pretty manly."

"Well, you are kind of butch- but honestly, people probably think you're overcompensating," Sam said with a small smile.

"Oh fuck off Sam."

"Listen compadres, masturbation is great and all, but can we not discuss Sam's at the table?" Ash said with a grin.

Sam blushed, "Ash! I don't..." He frowned, unsure how to say this in front of Jess, "masturbate."

"Oh, come on, that's a lie," Dean said,"everybody masturbates. It's just... a thing, you do it- everybody does it."

"Maybe I'm just not like you, Dean," Sam said with an exasperated shrug.

"Nah, Dean's got a point little- er, not so little- man. Dude's masturbate- m'sure chicks do too- fact of life."

Jo rolled her eyes, groaning, "Why do I sit here?"

Ash scoffed, "Someone's embarrassed because she masturbates."

"Aw, come on Jo, don't be shy- everybody does it!" Dean said cheerily.

She scoffed, smiling, "I'm surrounded by idiots."

"Yeah, well, quit whining Scar- you're stuck here and you're gonna have to spend the rest of your days hearing about our masturbating."

Jo groaned.

"S'matter Jo? Mad cause we're talking about masturbating and your mom threw away your best porno mag?"

She groaned once more in response.

*

You're giving me the same old line

_"You know, it's your... professionalism, that I respect," Alastair drawled, looking at the teenager on the rack. "So sure to cover your steps, always looking out for your little brother! Mm, mm mm mm- yes that's what I... like about you, Dean. Your uh- your desperation to make people see you as something more than the pathetic of garbage you are is really- really quite.... amusing to me."_

I'm wondering why

_Dean continued to stare at Alastair from the piece of wood he was hanging to, his defiant silence never wavering as he glared at the gangly older man. He had no idea how long he had been here- days, weeks, months....years? Dean wasn't sure anymore, he couldn't remember the last time he'd seen the sun, or had clean water._

_Alastair didn't like to give him water, but if he wanted Dean to live, he had to- so the man would open a water bottle, and pour it on the ground in front Dean, then take his chains off, and leave. Dean then scrambled on the dirty, old, bug infested, floor and would lap it up like a dog._

_There was one other source of water, the constantly leaking pipe- once Dean had laid under it with his mouth open, and over what he thought to be hours- but it could have been minutes, he wasn't sure, though the cup of water in his mouth suggest hours. Dean laid on the ground for a long time, ignoring the feelings of bugs moving under him as he strained his neck, raising it from the ground to press against the rusty old pipe._

_When Alastair found him there, he beat Dean until he couldn't see past the blood in his eyes._

_"I am the powerful one Dean," he had said with a smirk, calmly grabbing Dean's broken jaw, "If I want you to live, I will allow you to live- by my wishes alone."_

_He had smirked, and chained Dean to the rack, "If taking you off every few days inspires this disobedience- you won't be coming down, for a very, very long time."_

_Dean didn't know how long ago that had been, but he did know that he would never give in to Alastair's demands- never hurt people the way he did._

You hurt me then

_If the only way he could help people was not being the one to cut into them, fine, that'd be how he did it then- anything to help. His urge to be silent wavered when Alastair slipped his hands into his cut open stomach, whimpering when he felt cold, wrinkly, dirty hands poking around inside him._

You're back again

_"Do you want me to... pull something out, Mr. Winchester?"_

'No.'

_Dean bit his lip, determined not to say anything._

'No.'

_Alastair pushed against his organs and Dean bit his lip harder, until a pain filled groan made itself known behind his lips, "Mph!"_

'No.'

_He shook his head, no._

_Alastair pressed his gnarled hand deeper, pushing against an organ and began squeezing it, "Mhm, use your words Mr. Winchester."_

_"N-"_

_Alastair's nails began nipping at his insides, old, dirty, sharp nails pressing against his sensitive insides. He began scratching into them._

_Dean screamed, "_ No _! No I don't want that!"_

_No he didn't want an organ taken out- he didn't want the fear of waiting as Alastair played with his organs, not again._

Not a second time

_"Then pay attention," he said smoothly, "the teacher is talking."_

_Alastair pulled his hand out, jostling Dean's insides, causing the 15 year old's thin body to shake even harder as he cried, "Lesson 1."_

_"Show no mercy to your students." Alastair pulled out a long, sharpened knife, and began walking around Dean's emaciated body, the knife trailing against his bloody, dirty, sweaty skin._

_Dean tensed at the press of the clean blade against his tight, stretched, blackened skin- from both burns and dirt- as Alastair continued calming circling him, "If they're not learning fast enough you simply..."_

_He stopped walking around the boy and stabbed the sword into his stomach._

_Dean screamed._

_"Show them how hard the real world can be," Alastair said with a grin._

You know you made me cry

 _"You see, we've only known each other three months Dean, so I've still got to work to do- of course we've had loads of fun! Breaking bones, starving you for weeks, not giving you water, chaining you to the rack, whipping you, cutting into you, I will say Dean, you have been quite an ex_ perience- but there's still so much left to do, how will we possibly have time for it all?"

I see no use in wondering why

_Alastair grabbed Dean's broken jaw, sighing, ignoring Dean's crying at the painful grip, "You know, sometimes I really do wish I could stay in here with you- after all, you're my favorite student, but alas-"_

_He ripped his hand from Dean's jaw, jerking the broken bones in the process, causing Dean to cry out, "I... have... work to do."_

I cry for you

_There was sudden barking from outside his thick door, and Dean curled in on myself- worrying they had brought the hounds to rip into his skin again. Alastair looked at the door, and back to Dean, annoyance crossing his face at the thought of being interrupted. Dogs were good for ripping people apart if they were raised- abused- properly, but that meant less hands on work, and Alastair didn't like that._

And now you've changed your mind

_Dean trembled, remembering the enormous dog that had clawed into him after sniffing him out- Hell hounds, the demons(Dean had decided they were too evil to be called humans) called them, and Dean couldn't say he disagreed._

_The dog had been as tall as him standing on it's hind legs, and he had growled and barked loudly, deafening Dean as he had clamped his hands over his ears, standing in front of Sam. The dog was clearly mas, Dean couldn't work with him- and he was huge, and running at them, Dean knew his gun couldn't stop a 6' rabid dog._

_Sam had been too small, eleven years old at the time- was he still eleven? How old was he now? How much time had gone by? Anyways, the dog would have killed him, the Winchester's mind was made up._

I see no reason to change mine.

_Dean jumped in front of him._

_But what broke down the door to Dean and Alastair wasn't a Hell hound, it was a German shepherd, two German shepherds, three, and a swat team. Dean gasped at the realization._

_Home._

_..._

_Sam._

_Dad._

_Bobby._

Sam, his little brother!

_He could see them! It was over, it was through, he could leave! He would get to go ho- unless... Unless this was just another trick. Dean shook himself as the team filed into the room, no, it couldn't be a trick. It couldn't be!_

_Victor Henricksen brought out his cuffs, grabbing Alastair roughly, slamming him into the cold, stone wall, "Mr. Alastair, you are under arrest for the kidnapping and torture of Dean Winchester and all other victims of this building."_

_"You have the right to remain silent, anything you say can and will be used against you."_

I cry it's through, oh

_Dean gasped, before he smiled softly._

_It wasn't a trick._

*

Cas had spoken with Sam, and while asking Cas had an idea of what to give Dean. He excitedly asked Sam, who was just as enthusiastic as Castiel when told the idea, and he happily agreed to his brother's boyfriend's request.

Castiel had already spoken with the rest of Dean's friends and they had agreed to only giving Dean a 'happy birthday' since Cas was giving him this present. Now Dean wouldn't be so nervous of celebrating, as this present would be more than enough. It had taken him a lot of searching to find what he wanted, but Anna gave Castiel the money to buy the present.

He hadn't asked, more so told Anna of his predicament- and she had offered. He had refused profusely, saying he could not ask her for such money, saying he had his own from many saved holidays.

"Anna, thank you, I appreciate your offer- but I am capable of paying for this," Castiel said, not wanting to ask for something he knew he could do without burdening his sister.

"And I'm capable of paying for gas," Anna replied.

Cas frowned, "Your my sibling, I help you."

"You do it every time I drop you off, Cas. Every time. And when I think you haven't, I'll find it tucked in my glove compartment or on your seat."

Cas shrugged, looking at the ground, "I...I'm sorry."

She shook her head, walking over to her brother, "You don't have to be sorry Castiel, it's a nice gesture- but like you, I am capable of paying for my own gas."

Cas looked at her sadly, knowing she wouldn't understand his need to be helpful, "But-"

"You want to help," she said gently, "I know. That's why I let you help pay for my gas, and I try to keep my objections to a minimum- but this," she held up a few bills, "this is my way of helping you. Please, let me help pay."

He sighed, "I suppose you could pay for some of it."

She grinned, "Thanks, Cas!"

He looked away smiling shyly.

Cas ran up the stairs to the apartment giddily, and upon his arrival excitedly knocked on Dean's door, grinning.

Sam opened the door with his own grin, looking down at the small bag with glee.

"Come on in Cas, I've already set everything up for the present- Dean really does love these, this was a great idea, Cas," he said, walking across their musty carpet happily.

Cas blushed slightly, closing the creaky door behind him, "Thank you, Sam."

He set the bag down carefully, before kneeling to look in the bag and check on the present. Cas looked at Sam with a grin, joy radiating off him in happy waves. He stood up before he laughed happily- and covered his mouth, embarrassed at the sudden noise.

Sam grinned as he's at on the old blue couch, "Don't be embarrassed Cas, I'm excited too."

Cas' grin returned as he sat down in one of the faded chairs, "I'm ecstatic to know I am not alone." His grin only grew- something the youngest Winchester hadn't thought possible- "Sam I'm so excited! I can't wait for him to open it!"

"He's almost home," Sam said happily, "just wait. Oh, this is gonna be great, Dean never lets anybody really celebrate- so this gets to make up for all past refusals."

Cas looked at him joyfully, happiness reflecting off his blue eyes, "Yes, this shall be great. Thank you Sam, I couldn't have done this without you."

Sam smiled, "You're welcome."

The temporary happy quiet vanished as Cas jumped to his feet, "I'm so excited!"

"Me too!" Sam said joyfully.

They both appeared rather silly, cheeks red and grins spread across them as they spoke excitedly of Dean's present. Today was his birthday, and a Saturday, so they only had to wait a short time for Dean to come home from work at Bobby's garage, an operation shared by both Dean and Bobby- as Bobby was still a policeman.

Working at Bobby's garage was tiresome, and Dean worked there often, Bobby deeming him his second in command. When on the road with John, Dean had trouble with a permanent job, constantly traveling- but as they had been here six months now, Dean had been able to work with Bobby for quite some time.

_You're giving me the same old line_

John had continued to say they were overstaying, and that he didn't like this either- that he'd be home soon, but Dean worried maybe his dad had simply realized how worthless he was and didn't want him ruining things any more.

_I'm wondering why_

Of course he was never truly sure with John, and as Dean quieted the impala, parking it in the apartment's driveway, he wished he would be given a straight answer- not that it was his place to ask, but he wished he could have one nonetheless.

_You hurt me then_

Of course, John called- Dean had spoken with him just the other day, and he had visited once a month, sometimes every other month depending on how busy he was. But this night, Dean didn't want his day to be plagued with thoughts of his father, he wanted to be with his little brother, and maybe if he was lucky, Cas could come over.

_You're back again_

He didn't know when John would be back, but as he walked up the stairs to his apartment he smiled, knowing he could relax for now. Oh, and today was his birthday, so Sam would probably annoy him with something. But, oh well, he'd endure it for Sam's sake. Dean wouldn't think about his dad today, he wouldn't allow him to upset him this time.

_No, no, no, not a second time_

Dean opened the apartment door and called out to his brother, closing the door behind him.

He turned around, and his eyes darted around the room for his little brother, "Hey Sam, you care if I invite Cas over? I figure with this whole 'birthday thing' I'm entitled to I'm coming over. I'm gonna go call hi-"

"Dean!" Cas' fluffy dark head popped out from around the hall, he was grinning, and Dean had to admit, it was adorable, "I'm already here."

Dean raised his eyebrows in delight, smiling, "Oh, well cool, I was gonna call you anyways, Cas." He smiled, "I rented a bunch of Disney movies on my way back from Bobby's, and I- I mean... I haven't seen most of these, but I thought you might wanna watch som-"

Cas smiled, "Yes, yes I would."

Dean nodded, smiling, "Cool, cause I got 'Finding Nemo', I know you liked that one, so I figured it's been a month, we could watch it again if you wan-"

"Dean."

He paused, looking at Cas, "Yeah?"

"I have something for you."

Dean groaned, "Cas, this isn't fair, I didn't get you anything for your-"

"You took me out to dinner and introduced me to Queen, it was a lovely gift thank you," Cas said with a frown.

Dean raised his eyebrows, "I took you out for a burger," he smiled resignedly, "but fine, I'll stop fighting a big celebration if that'll make you happy, Cas."

Cas shook his head, "Oh, no there's no party- I knew you wouldn't want any big celebration, but I did get you a present." He smiled, "Your friends signed the card-"

" _Our_ friends," Dean corrected.

Cas smiled, "Yes, _our_ friends- I made them all agree not to become too excited over today."

Dean visibly relaxed, sighing with relief, "Thanks, Cas."

Cas smiled, "I hope you'll like it," he said excitedly.

Dean smiled back, glad to see Cas so happy, "I'm sure I will."

He grinned, and poked his head back behind the wall, "Sam," he said in a regal tone, "bring forth... the present!"

Dean chuckled, "You're such a dork."

Cas simply turned around, grinning, "You're gonna like it!" He said happily.

Sam walked into the room, grinning as he brought in a green paper bag.

"Thank you for making sure the present was alright Sam," Cas said with a big grin, happily hiding what they both knew the present was.

Dean rolled his eyes at the Cheshire grin, "Alright you two, quit rubbing it in that you know what is," he looked at Cas, "you especially,"

Cas simply grinned, taking the bag from Sam and handing it to Dean elatedly.

"Oh!" Cas handed him an envelope, gently taking the bag, "Open this first."

Dean smiled, "Heh, alright," he opened a card to reveal a Star Trek card.

"Charlie insisted I buy this model," Castiel said.

Dean laughed, ' _model_ ' it was such a _Cas_ thing to say, he smiled at him, glad Cas was with him.

"That doesn't surprise me." He looked at his friend's signatures and smiled, "Thanks guys- I'll have to thank the others on Monday, this is really nice."

Cas gave him back the package with a grin, "Here you go, here you go! You can open it now!"

Dean grinned, "Alright," he took the package- gently, as he had seen Cas and Sam hold the bag.

He carefully parted the green wrapping paper of the bag, he wondered what the gift could-

A puppy.

Dean's eyes widened.

Holy shit Cas had gotten him a baby German Shepherd.

Holy shit. Holy shit. Holy _shit_ -

The- the man who had saved him had bought him... the dog breed that had saved him. Cas- his- his best friend- his boyfriend, god Dean never thought that word would make him so happy. Yeah, it was corny of Dean to think that- he knew it- but he didn't care!

Cas had- wow, Cas _cared_ about him.

The Novak looked at him with anticipation, biting his lip, "...do you- do you like him?"

Dean looked up at Cas, smiling softly- god he was so lucky, "Yeah Cas," he wiped his eyes, "yeah I really do."

He sniffled, and grinned, "I just- I can't believe- you got me a dog! Holy shit- holy shit you got me a dog. Cas, Cas you got me a dog!"

Cas' face all but split open with his grin, "You like him?!"

Dean placed the puppy in the floor, who began to sniff at the carpet, "I love him!"

Sam picked up the puppy as the two boys praically danced around each other. The puppy licked his face and he laughed- wow, Sam'd never thought he'd be able to have a pet in his house. Neither did Dean. It was like a dream come true!

Cas beamed, his blue eyes shining brightly as he spoke, "Sam and I have been arranging everything the last three days! Obviously, those at the table wanted to contribute so they helped pay for him to have a few shots, and Sam paid for hi supplies, and Anna helped me pay for the puppy!"

Cas sighed contently, viewing the happy scene before him.

"I'm so _gay_ ," Cas said with a smile.

Dean laughed heartily, before solemnly saying, "Y'know, I've been getting that impression lately."

Cas nodded, "I'm glad you've noticed."

Dean chuckled, "Uh, Cas, I' sure you meant your happy and whatnot- but uh, it sounds like you're talking about..." 'How to phrase this in a serious way?' "Like you're saying you like men."

"Oh."

"Well, that too I suppose."

Dean laughed "Cas, I just- you're awesome."

The puppy yipped in Sam's arms, tail wagging in agreement.

Dean smiled, looking at how happy Cas was- and just from making him happy! Dean decided right then and there, he wasn't gonna screw this up, and he wasn't going to back away from any possible feelings this time.

_Not a second time_

Or... he'd try. No, this was gonna work. He and Cas were gonna work. Dean wasn't going to back out like he did with Lisa, he wasn't gonna give up when things went south like with Cassie- no, he and Castiel were going to make this work.

_Not the second time_

Sam put the puppy down, allowing him to walk around once more, Cas going from smiling at Dean to the puppy as the German shepherd scampered around.

_No, no, no, no, no_

The puppy ran up to Cas, and the young man crouched down to his height.

_No, no no_

He jumped on Cas, his small paws pressing against his shirt as he nuzzled him. Cas picked the puppy off the floor and cradled him, laughing when the puppy licked him. Yes, Dean thought with a smile, this was going to work out just fine.

_Not a second time_


	20. I'm a Loser

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hey everyone, sorry this was kind of late! The end of the school year's coming, and I've been really busy. Anyways, comments on this chapter would be really, really appreciated! I've been really unsure of this chapter and the previous, so I would really enjoy hearing your inputs!
> 
> WARNINGS: Mentions of rape, killing, hints at torture.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Cas and Dean watch movies, they learn more about one another. They argue over who will do the dishes. Crowley confronts Castiel.

Cas grinned, scratching the puppy behind the ears- Castiel would call him by his name, but as the puppy had only been here for a few hours he and Dean were still debating the puppy's name.

"I still don't believe he is mine to name," Cas said, his head tilting at the dog as he began to pant.

"Hm," Cas frowned, "what a peculiar creature." Cas' frown deepened as he stared at the puppy, his head tilting further as he stared at the puppy, "Dean, I believe he requires libation."

Dean rolled his eyes bring out a food and water bowl, "Here, buddy, here's your 'libation'."

"Why do you say it with such a deriding tone?"

Dean chuckled, "Cas, I was just teasing."

"No, I understand that- what I do not understand is the need everyone feels to jibe me for my speaking mannerisms. Often, after people make their presence known to me, typically by ejaculation, they asperse me directly after because of the way I speak."

Dean paused in putting the puppy's food bag on he ground, then he put the bag down, looking at Cas incredulously the entire time.

"...What?" He said with a bewildered expression.

Cas frowned, "My qualm is... people seem to think I have irregular speaking patterns."

"No, no, believe me- I understand that one, but... what did you say people do?"

"They feel the need to insult me because of my dialect."

Dean smiled, chuckling, "No, after that."

Cas' frown grew, the puppy jumped against his knees and he pet his head, not paying attention to him as he tilted his head at Dean, "They asperse me?"

Dean grinned, holding back his glee, "Before that...how-" he laughed, "how do they make their presence known?"

"....ejaculation?"

Dean burst into laughter.

Cas sighed, speaking sarcastically, "it hurts me Dean, it hurts me that you would disparage me so." He shook his head, "Here I am, bearing my heart- and you have rejected me for the same reasons as others."

Dean's face was red with laughter, and he began coughing as he rolled in the dark carpet, "I-I'm sorry Cas, I just- haha, I- how often do you use the word- e-e-ejcaulation- around people?"

Cas frowned, "Whenever ejaculation seems necessary I suppose."

Dean laughed again.

"You do realize...today is your birthday, correct?" Cas said dryly, "most people would realize this an opportunity to act more mature. If ejaculation causes you such such untimely emotion, perhaps I should quiet myself."

Dean laughed once more, "Cas, man, you- you gotta stop that."

Cas rolled his eyes, "Dean, ejaculation means to voice your opinions quickly- what on earth are you thinking of that makes it so humorous?"

Dean continued to laugh.

Cas frowned, tilting his head in thought, "I don't understand...what else does ejaculate mean other than to-" his eyes widened, "oh."

Dean laughed, "Now- now you see?!"

Cas sighed, "I'm dating a moron."

*

Dean loved learning about Cas.

He loved knowing his favorite Beatles album- Sergeant Peppers Lonely Hearts Club Band- he loved learning Cas' favorite Beatles song- Michelle, "it was the only song ever written by The Beatles to contain French, and it won a Grammy for sing of the year in 1967"- Castiel was the most interesting subject Dean had ever studied.

And he never wanted to stop.

That night, Dean learned Cas loved Robin Hood- loved Robin Hood, he sang along to the introduction, praised Robin Hood, and booed King John. The stern, older boy quietly sung along and hid his smile behind his clapping with the song. To put it lightly, it was the most adorable thing Dean had ever seen.

Much as Dean loved his brother, he'd ask Sam to give them some time alone earlier when they started watching their movies. At first Sam had been his usual whiny self, but Dean quickly solved that problem.

"Sam," he said with a raise of his eyebrows, "if you go upstairs, you can have the puppy all to yourself."

His brother grinned at that, his big brown eyes going to the puppy. It was kind of funny, this 6'0 14 year old kid grinning at the thought of a puppy, Dean laughed softly as Sam softly scooped the puppy up- always having a gentle nature to him- and walked up the creaky steps to he and Dean's bedroom.

Dean laughed as he heard the door closed, he turned to Cas, who was sitting next to him on the old blue couch, "Haha, of all the perks I've considered of having a dog, that one has never come up."

"Dean Winchester, that mendacious act is truly fraudulent, despite any benefits you may argue it possesses, that was simply evil."

Dean grinned, "I never claimed to be kind."

Cas frowned and turned to look at him, feigning anger, "Whether or not you claimed to be benign or not is insignificant." He clicked his tongue, sighing, "How can you live with yourself?"

Dean smiled, "Well, I've got my angel here to even out my cruelty."

Ha, angel.

_I'm a loser_

Cas' playful anger disappeared, and hIs face became a pale blank canvas, Dean' brow drew together in concern.

'He doesn't know yet,' a voice whispered to Cas bitterly.

'How can you lie to him? How can you try to convince him you're a good person when you're not? Why would you hurt him like that? Lead him on?'

_I'm a loser_

Cas pushed the thoughts away, Dean cared about him- Cas wasn't lying, Dean had never asked directly.

'Wow, you're even lying to yourself? You really are bad, aren't you?'

Cas looked at the ground, eyes unfocused as his lips turned downwards.

'You should tell him.'

'Break up with him.'

'He doesn't need you.'

'He doesn't want you.'

"I'm no angel," he said sadly.

_And I'm not what I appear to be_

Dean's expression softened, and he put a hand on Cas' shoulder, "Hey," Dean said gently, "what's wrong?"

Cas sighed, "Nothing," he said detachedly.

_Of all the love I have won or have lost_

'You're lying to him.'

'Wiuld it kill you to stop sinning for once?'

Dean looked at his hands, fiddling with his fingers before looking back up at Cas, "Talk to me," he said in a whisper.

Cas looked at him, glad they had paused the movie, he didn't want to ruin anything else tonight.

"Dean I...when I was... _bad_...."

_There is one love I should never have crossed_

God, he couldn't say it. He couldn't, he just couldn't! Cas didn't know how to tell his boyfriend how awful a person he was, how disgusting he was, he didn't know how to do that. Maybe that wasn't helpful, as the priest had said it was, but...still, Castiel had deserved it.

The punishment- it- it terrified him, and he tried to fight his punishment every time, but he had deserved it. Despite his pleas for mercy, Cas knew he had...

But... had he?

As the months had gone on, Cas had felt inklings of doubt, uncertainty towards this. But could he tell Dean? But then, why would Dean care? Did Cas really think Dean wouldn't be disgusted with him?

Why was fate so cruel to him? Why must she always pick on him?

_She was a girl in a million, my friend_

Why hadn't he tried harder to be good? Fought harder? Done something? Done anything?!

_I should have known she would win in the end_

"Cas?"

"Oh, I- I'm sorry. I just- Dean, I, I'm not an angel."

_I'm a loser_

Dean nodded, understanding Cas couldn't talk about it, "Well, I'm not innocent myself, if it makes you feel any better."

_And I lost someone who's near to me_

He chuckled humorlessly, "Hunters, my dad used to call us- we'd hunt murderers, gangs, help him stop bank robberies. Left us in these grubby motels for days with barely any explanation, made us switch schools again and again, taught me to kill things- to kill people."

_I'm a loser_

"I just- they were people, Cas. But they were sick, crazy, twisted, violent people. Worst I've ever seen. Could've been Hannibal's business partners. Course, I'm sure I could have too- this, this one guy he, he-"

Dean cleared his throat, "he was pretty high up in his gang, same gang that killed my mom, and uh, he was a wacko."

_And I'm not what I appear to be_

"Sammy and I, well uh, Sammy was playing with a neighbor's kid- Jake- he wanted a friend so bad, Cas, so I let him play with him. I watched, of course, kid was only 11- didn't want anything happening to him. Jake pushed him, they were playing around, and Sam fell down hard- I ran over, and out of nowhere, this big dog-"

_Although I laugh and I act like a clown_

Dean cut himself off with his laughter, wiping his eyes before hey returned to looking at the floor, "huge dog, tall as you standing up- he sees Sam fall and starts sprinting so I jumped in front of him. Well, I guess the dog belonged to the gang's and I tried to fight him off- pulled out my gun- but he was too big, too fast and he ripped my stomach open. Sam was screaming. I remember that. I guess the gang had been looking for us, and were gonna take Sam to bait our dad- but I got in the way and the dog ripped my stomach to shreds, leaving Sam screaming bloody murder."

Cas put his hand on Dean's knee, silently offering comfort.

Dean put his hand over Cas'.

_Beneath this mask I am wearing a frown_

He chuckled humorlessly, "Jake ran off, didn't look back- any other neighbors were scared shitless, course there were two other dogs running up too so scared or not, the neighbors didn't stand a chance, and we were right by the forest so it only took a few minutes to separate me from the motel neighbors."

He sighed, "I just... I just remember Sam yelling, these blood curdling, ear piercing screams wrenching out of him- and I- haha," he shook his head, chuckling sadly, trying to block the memories of Alastair, "I yelled for him to run."

Castiel frowned sadly and met his boyfriend's eye when Dean finally looked up from the floor, wiping his eyes once more.

_My tears are falling like rain from the sky_

Dean shook his head, "Sorry, didn't mean to turn into a teenage girl over this. But uh, y'know my dad kept looking for me. Searched and searched for me, I mean I- being taken was hell, but... my dad and the force found me. I mean, took three months but hey, what can you do?"

"Uh," he laughed nervously, rubbing his neck, "Hm- I- uh, I really didn't mean for this to become a 'boohoo Dean Winchester' session."

_Is it for her or myself that I cry_

Cas shrugged, "My thera- my friend, said it's healthy to take time for yourself, not hedonist- rest assured Dean, I do not believe you are pursuing attention or pleasure from bespeaking to me of your experiences."

_I'm a loser_

Dean nodded, "Right, I uh- I just...I don't normally- I uh, wasn't trying to-Mm, I just- ugh," he shook his head, thinking of his yelling father, he took his hand away from Cas'Didn't mean to cause a big sob story over poor pretty boy Dean Winchester."

Castiel's features softened, "No, no you did not- please do not regret speaking with me of this, truly it did not dishearten me in the terms of our relationship. I am honored you would speak so truthfully to me."

_And I'm not what I appear to be_

His blue eyes darkened to a stormy navy blue, and his frown was present once more, though it seemed to appear as more of an apoplectic frown than his typical, confused frown.

Dean looked at him cautiously, frowning, "What's the matter, Cas?"

_I'm a loser_

His face darkened further, "I do not enjoy hearing the way you speak of yourself."

"You are in _no way_ meretricious," he said angrily, "Yes, you are attractive." Cas rested his hand on Dean's knee, looking him in the eye, as if willing his point to be heard, "You are beautiful, but your features do not restrain you from being more than your reflection. You're strong Dean, you have struggled through your life and more often then not- seem to have come out on top. You are so intelligent, I am sure you would not have yourself believe me- but you are."

_And I lost someone who's near to me_

"You know how to take care of a family, I've seen you do your own work- you are smart, and you're kind, caring, and strong. You're extremely resilient, you always try so hard to make others happy- even when you're thrown into new situations you do not understand, you help those around you."

Cas smiled, "I... Dean, you're a good person."

Dean smiled, "So are you."

Cas' smile grew as Dean stood up, Dean made him so happy, Dean he got up from the couch, inserting 'Aladdin'- according to Sam it was a funny movie, Dean had never seen it- into the DVD player. He sat back on the couch and Cas smiled at him, Dean smiled in return, before Cas scoffed closer to him, causing his smile to grow.

Dean looked at him, smiling fondly, "Maybe you're not an angel- you don't have to be, I know I'm not. You don't have to be an angel Cas. You don't have to be anything you don't want to be...just be you."

*

Dean woke up after a night full of laughter and Disney movies on the couch, to see his boyfriend sitting on his iPhone in the kitchen, trench coat strewn across the couch. For once Cas wasn't wearing his trench coat or suit, and Dean smiled at this. Cas looked really good without all the extra layers.

Somewhere in the night (probably when they started to fall asleep) Cas had begun to take off his under suit, so all he wore now was his white shirt.

Dean wasn't gonna lie, Cas was really cute- but _god_ was he hot.

His pale skin contrasted against his dark hair, and his dark blue eyes were intense and secretive- god, he felt like a teenage girl thinking this. His voice was sexy too- rough and gravelly. Was this man the definition of sex? The white practically clung to his arms, but the lack of layers showed Dean just how lean Cas was the white cloth covered his pale skin tightly, showing the edge of his muscles as he curled over his phone, staring down at his screen.

Dean's smile grew as he saw his frowning boyfriend's screen showed a practically naked woman lying across an ugly tan car similar to the one at Bobby's. He would have been concerned, if it wasn't for the expression on Cas' face.

Dean raised his eyebrows, laughing as he walked over to the small, old, weak kitchen counter, where Cas sat on an easily breakable stool, "What are you doing?"

Cas' eyes snapped to him, and he quickly covered his phone with his hand, "I assure you Dean, I am not observing promiscuous women."

Dean smirked, striding over to the computer, "Care to explain why you're looking at a woman laying across an ugly car?"

"It is not an ugly car, and it would appear society believes unclothed women will make products more desirable," Cas said with a frown, his brow furrowed in confusion-something Dean still thought adorable- "which doesn't make sense if they are asking my opinion."

Dean smiled, "Which they're not."

"Besides the point, as you can clearly see I'm about to give it Dean- now why would you interrupt me as I am trying to make a point?" Cas said with a frown.

Dean attempted to hide his smile, failing as he said, "I'm so sorry Cas, do continue."

"Thank you," he said, not picking up on his sarcasm, "as I was saying before I was so rudely interrupted- it doesn't make sense. Why would car dealers display naked women lying a top a car?"

Dean opened his mouth to answer before Cas' glare silenced him.

"Are viewers under the impression that these women will stay with their car? They are not to be sold along with the car, the viewers will not receive the women should they buy the car- so why would they show a woman lying on the car?"

"Cause... people like chicks lying on cars, I guess," Dean said with a shrug.

"Yes, I understand that- but do these viewers not realize the woman is not to be given along eight the car? The woman is merely laying against the car in order to appease to her viewers, a concept which I grasp thank you, but the only product these viewers will be able to glorify is the car, not the woman. Because never will they come into possession of her."

He smiled, "Yeah, well, try telling that to the guys who buy those cars."

"Unfortunately that is a rather futile feat Dean, from what I have gathered of society naked women are encouraged," Cas said with a shrug.

"Well, there are things more futile than that Cas," Dean said with a quirk of his lips.

"What is more futile than that, Dean?"

Dean smiled, "Resistance."

"I am assuming that is a reference, but, unfortunately, it is not one I understand." Cas said with a frown, resting his face in his palm.

Dean shrugged as he walked over to the kitchen cabinets- getting out the one bottle of dish soap they had- Dean bought it after John threw up in the sink their first month here, clearly hand soap and water wasn't enough- intending to clean the dishes from last night. Cas had offered to clean them for him last night, but no way was Dean making Cas do the dishes, especially not by himself.

Cas stood up and walked over to his boyfriend.

Dean frowned as Cas turned the water on next to him and pulled out a small dish sponge and dropping the soap onto it.

"What are you doing?" He asked as he turned to the sink as well.

"Helping you clean the dishes, Dean- I wouldn't make you clean them yourself."

"Cas," Dean said with a frown as his boyfriend continued to wash the dishes, "you don't have to do that, you're my guest."

"I _want_ to."

"No, no I'm,doing the dishes and you are going to be a lazy guest like you're supposed to be- I'm not making you do stuff."

Cas frowned, "Dean, I have no wish to have coitus with any of your things."

Dean paused, laughing slightly, " _What_?"

Cas tilted his head as he continued to wash the dishes, "When we first met, you would say you would ' _totally do'_ people you found attractive, and when I inquired what this meant you said it meant to have intercourse. To _'do'_ someone, meant to have copulation with them, correct?"

Dean smiled, shaking his head, "Well, yeah, I... I _guess_ so..."

"Then why would you ask me to 'do' stuff, and why would I wish to have carnal knowledge with objects, Dean? Are you suggesting I have paraphilia?"

He frowned at Cas incredulously, "What? No, no! No that's not what I meant at all!"

"Then what could you possibly have meant?"

"I just- I just meant I wasn't gonna make you _do stuff_! Do- ask you to do _chores_! I-I don't know! But I sure as Hell didn't mean that!" He started to laugh at the strangeness of this conversation, "Cas, you- you know there are two means of _'do'_ , come on I-" he laughed, "I didn't mean it like that."

"Yes, I am well aware, but so often do your comments relate back to mating, that I have begun to double check."

Dean laughed, "N- _no_ man, I meant-" he laughed, "No man, I didn't mean it like that."

"Oh, my apologies, I was under the impression you were speaking of fornication. Well, then I suppose we both may return to the dishes," Cas Sid, silently turning back to his work.

Dean walked up behind him, keeping a certain amount of space between them for Cas' sake- he knew Cas had a personal space problem, something more if Dean's suspicions said anything, so he tried to keep those in mind.

He tapped Cas on the shoulder who turned around, "Cas, I don't think you get it- I'm not letting you do the dishes."

Cas raised an eyebrow, "Dean, I am doing the dishes."

Dean shook his head, picking up a cup full of clean soapy water from in the sink, "No, you're going to be lazy- I'm doing the dishes."

Cas shook his head, smiling as he returned to the dishes, "I assure you, I'm quite capable of taking care of the-"

_SPLASH!_

Warm water hit Cas' dress shirt, soaking the white shirt against his skin. Now it really did cling to him, and as Cas turned around- glaring at Dean as he did so- the shirt began to form a puddle around him, soaking his shoes as well.

Dean grinned, before raising his hands innocently, "Hey, I said I was doing the dishes."

Cas turned back to the sink without a word before calmly picking up the soap and coating his hands with it, running them under the water.

"Aw, come on Cas, it was just a joke, I-"

Cas spun around sharply and raised his soapy hands- which were cupping freezing water  
\- to Dean's head, running cold soapy water into his hair vigorously.

"H-hey!" Dean spluttered, "You're not supposed to get me back!"

"Why? Because I'm he guest and guests don't make messes?" Cas said with a grin, before running his soapy hands down Dean's face.

He pushed Cas' hands off, running to the sink and running his cup under freezing water, "At least I used warm water! But you brought in cold water, obviously I brought a knife to a gun fight!"

"Dean, neither of those weapons are featured here, I don't know why you would compare a cloth to a gun but nevertheless I shall indeed attack with my cold water!" He said, garbling a rag.

"Yeah," Dean threw water at him with a laugh, "Well-"

_Smack!_

Cas whipped a wet rag at Dean's face, slapping him with freezing water. Dean frowned sighing as he brought a hand up to his face.

"Alright, it's on."

Cas grabbed another towel and began whipping the two, glaring at Dean.

Dean returned the glare, "Go ahead, punk, make my day."

When Sam came downstairs that morning to a soaking wet kitchen, and a laughing soaking wet Cas and Dean, he only shook his head- knowing one of them would clean it up later, before grabbing a toaster, and going into the living room for breakfast.

*

Crowley leered by the building, watching students avoid his locker, some looking at it him before looking at the ground, not wanting to be noticed. He smirked, enjoying the influence he had on the cowering idiots that surrounded him. Power could be so easy to gain.

A threat here, a secretly taken photo there a secret or so- and he could have thousands quivering underneath his power. It was beautiful, all of it, was beautiful. Crowley loved the chase, pursuing the kids who thought they'd never have to worry about him- he loved proving them wrong, cornering them with a deal.

Much as people loved to make him look so awful, he was just doing business- and what was wrong with loving his job? He simply took advantages of a situation, and sometimes other peoples.

Castiel Novak was in a situation.

Multiple, really, as there were so many Crowley could threaten to tell with what he knew.

Unfortunately, Castiel was also capable of putting him in a situation.

He didn't have anything on Crowley to tell anyone, but he had a powerful family. Gabriel and Michael Novak were high up in their companies, they had money loyalists, power- but Crowley had that as well, so testing the waters with Castiel was always interesting.

There was also the fact that he was 6 feet tall. That didn't exactly work to Crowley's advantage, nor did that stupid whore Meg Masters, who had been buddies with the paranoid liar since they were kids. She kept an eye out for Crowley, watched him, she didn't just look at him- she made direct eye contact with him. Every. Time. She saw him.

Meg had friends in high places, different friends than Crowley's- friends that were not Crowley's friends, you could say they had a bit of a rivalry. Ruby's loyalties were questionable, she seemed to be fond of Meg, something Crowley certainly didn't need. Lilith had a rather twisted relationship with Lucifer, she and Crowley were close so he did not worry- as they agreed on most transactions anyhow- but her attraction to the older Novak was known to Crowley, and he kept an eye on her.

Meg Masters threatened Crowley, and her threat threatened the loyalty of his followers, all because of Castiel Novak.

This is why Crowley talked to Castiel.

He stood behind him as he closed the locker, waiting for him to turn.

Cas did, and his constant frown- god, did the guy even know how to smile?- deepened, and he did not appear shock or frightened as others did. This was the fun of Castiel Novak! He was difficult to get inside of- but breaking him was so worth it.

"I hear you and Squirrel have tied the knot, Cas. I think it's cute, y'know, you and Dean's little relationship."

Cas' frown turned into a downright glare at the mention of Dean, "I believe it is safe to assume you did not truly come here to discuss with me the status of my relationship. What do you want?"

"Always so quick to get to business Cas, can't we ever chat like proper mates?"

"You are _not_ my friend."

"Well, I'm touched you consider us more- but you're right, I didn't come here to talk about what gets you off. Not that much does anyhow, 'm sure your sexual fantasies terrify you- assuming you have any anyways."

Cas tensed, lowering his voice so no one would hear, "Crowley," he growled, "If you're here to speak about-"

"You know," his eyes widened, "I am. Why else would I bother with you?"

His dark eyes looked down the hall, seeing Dean and his brother walking.

Crowley smirked, looking back to the young man, "Have you told him?"

Castiel said nothing, ignoring the warning bell as students rushed to their classes around him- he knew this was too important to leave.

Crowley's eyes widened, feigning surprise, "Unless..." He raised his eyes brows, "You haven't told him? And... you don't plan on telling him?"

"Crowley," he growled, "this is none of your business. You have no place here, I will not allow-"

"Cas, aren't you used to people doing things to you without your permission?" Crowley said with a smirk, "You tried to frighten me off, make friends with Dean, have Meg protect you- but, the idea is so simple."

He raised his eyebrows, smiling slightly, "If they're protecting you, all I have to do is _tell_ them."

Cas' Adam's apple bobbed, "They wouldn't believe you."

"Do you really want to take that risk? Do you really want to, Cas? Don't want them to find out, but" he sighed, lifting his hands in defeat, "if you want them to find out what you did to deserve that."

"You. _Won't._ Tell them," Cas said angrily, hiding his fear.

Crowley smirked, "Darling I've known for months, and the only thing stopping me from telling them is me."

_What have I done to deserve such a fate_

This wasn't true, he had been dealing with Ruby, and Meg was one sneaky bitch- always threatening him, he'd been waiting, planning.

" _Who. Told you,_ " Cas said angrily, still clinging to his faked confidence.

He smirked, "You _know_ who told me." He smiled, "There's only two other people in this world who could tell me- the man who did it, and the family member you told..."

_I realize I have left it too late_

Cas flinched as if he'd been burnt at his mention.

"Castiel, you didn't actually think you were a good person..." Crowley said with a smirk.

Cas' anger vanished in a second, eyes widening with fear- yes, watching it was beautiful.

_And so it's true, pride comes before a fall_

"Don't," Cas said shakily.

His smirk grew, "Did you?"

"Stop that," Cas said, eyes cast down in shame. "Pl...please stop, I'll-I'll listen to what you have to say, jus-just stop repeating him."

_I'm telling you so that you won't lose all_

"You haven't been good at all," he said with a dark grin.

Cas' eyes began to water, he couldn't hurt Crowley again- he'd worked so hard covering that up, "Stop," he said weakly, his blue eyes looked up to him pleadingly, "Please."

"I've just had trouble finding a time to get you alone."

_I'm a loser_

Cas' arms were shaking as he feebly shoved Crowley against the wall, lightly pushing him against him pathetically in his attempt to regain control of the situation.

"Shut _up_!" He said tearfully, voice shaking as the rest of his body did, "just- stop- stop talking Crowley, shut up!"

_And I lost someone who's near to me_

Crowley looked down at his shaky hands disappointedly, peeling them off his coat, "Calm down Leo, don't get so worked up over a few words."

_I'm a loser_

Castiel's arms still shook as he raised a hands to his face, covering his puffy features.

"What...do you want?" He growled.

_And I'm not what I appear to be_

"No need to be so unfriendly," Crowley said, shaking himself- all because Cas had wrinkled his nice coat, bastard.

"Simple, you made a point of your brothers having power- I could have confronted you before, but I would rather not deal with them. So I thought to myself 'Self, if Cas is using his brothers as protection? Why not... turn Cas against his brothers?' And then I thought to myself again, 'Self, you should have Cas steal from his brothers... turn the parties against one another'."

"I would never turn on my brothers," Cas growled.

"Yes, your loyalty is a bit of a problem- but see, I'm not even making you go that far, really I'm being generous. I want you to find out what Lucifer's doing, help me take him down."

"You mean, you wish for me to go against my brother... to benefit my enemy?"

"It's not exactly a secret you don't get along that well anyways, but no- I don't wish that."

Cas' brow furrowed.

Crowley's eyes darkened, "I _want_ that."

"And I _will_... get it."

The blue eyes met brown, and Cas gulped. Castiel cleared his throat, god how could he look so weak?

"Crowley, I... I _can't_ , I-"

Crowley clicked his tongue disappointedly, "Well, when Dean finds out don't say I didn't-"

His eyes widened, " _No!_ That's not what I meant! I just... spying on my brother... lying...  
helping a dealer... That's all..." He gulped, "I can't do that- that's wrong. Bad."

"Well..." He looked at the conflicted man before him with a smirk, taking his time as he made his deal, "then I guess you'll need to decide- do you want to to help me, and have Dean find out how bad you were? Or do you want to be bad now, and keep Dean in the dark about your pasts?"

Cas said nothing.

"Do you want to be known as Dean's sinner? Or my Saviour?"

Silence.

"Do you want to be the good boy, or the bad?"

Crowley frowned, regarding him silently before speaking, "What are you, Castiel?"

"What exactly are you willing to do?"

Cas looked down at the floor, gulping.

Crowley smirked. Yes, Castiel was difficult to get inside of.

But breaking him was so worth it.


	21. Act Naturally

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Castiel deals with the repercussions of making a deal with Crowley. Dean grows suspicious and talks to Meg. Crowley and Cas have a meeting. Cas and Dean take the dog for a walk.
> 
>  
> 
> WARNINGS: Mentions of rape, Crowley being a douchebag, Castiel being hurt, and a short panic attack.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry if this is kind of late, finals are coming up and I've been really busy- also, I didn't have wifi for five days, so that made this a tad more tricky.
> 
> Comments would really be appreciated, I'd like to know if you guys think I wrote this realistically, what you liked about the characters, whatever you want- just some general feedback would be really nice. Thank you!

Lying to Dean was surprisingly easy, all Castiel had to do was allow himself to feel the way he normally did.

_They're gonna put me in the movies_

Disgusted with himself, upset, outraged with his failure to ever do something good, and silenced, if ever anyone were to ask him what was wrong.

_They're gonna make a big star out of me_

And they did, they all asked Castiel if they ever thought something was slightly upsetting him. Dean, Sam, Jo, Charlie, Ash, Anna, Jess, Meg, even Gabriel asked him on occasion- this wasn't to say Cas was obvious in is lying, he was too good a liar, but they were so kind and friendly they would ask him anyhow.

_We'll make a film about a man that's sad and lonely_

They all thought he was such a kind, funny, nice person. They all trusted him, cared about him, asked him how he was- they all loved him.

It was disgusting.

_And all I gotta do is act naturally_

It was disgusting that Castiel was such a cruel, manipulative person he had made himself poignant to them, tricked good people into thinking he was worthy of their concern. He was such a good actor, he had tricked these people into thinking he wasn't bad, or worthless, or disgusting- which he most definitely was, and now he was telling them another lie! Crowley was bad news, he had upset Dean- and here Cas was speaking with him in secret, and then coming to speak with Dean moments later!

As Castiel walked down to his first hour, he felt shame with the knowledge that he was lying to Dean- again! He had wanted to keep his lies to a minimum, he'd never spoken of the priest once with Dean, that was to be the only secret. For Dean's sake. But it appeared his sinning wasn't over. Even now it continued, as Dean waved him over with a smile, and Cas entered his life once more to leave him in ruin- which he would be in, if he were to ever find out how disgusting Castiel was.

"Heya Cas," Dean said with a smile when he sat down.

"Hello Dean," Cas said softly.

"So, today's February 1st, it's now been seven months since we started making these pots- and you still haven't told me what you're making."

"We stared school on August 27th, it has _not been seven months._ "

"It's basically been seven months, now stop avoiding the subject Cas."

Cas smiled, "Truly it's not that interesting Dean, we're all making coil pots, how interesting can my artwork be?"

"Must be pretty interesting if you're gonna keep it a secret all this time."

Ha, secrets. Yes, he was good at those, wasn't he?

"I assure you, my coil pot is as interesting as anyone else's."

No it wasn't, because he wasn't as special as anyone else- for his pot to be as interesting as anyone else's he would have to be equal to anyone else. A greater lie could not exist.

So there, he'd just lied to Dean again.

"Please, if it's from you I'm sure it's great- after all, you probably studied pottery for fun as a kid or something."

Cas smiled, "I sense mockery, Dean Winchester."

Dean laughed, "What, I'm just saying, you seem to have a knack for everything."

' _I don't have a knack for not being worthless.'_

"I hate to disappoint you Dean, but I am not artistically talented."

_'Everything I make is bad, and ugly, look at the life I've made for myself.'_

"Yeah, well, I'm not an artsy kind of guy either- so quit knocking yourself for it, Cas, I'm sure it's great."

Cas frowned, "I am not a door Dean."

Dean laughed, shaking his head, "I mean don't bring yourself down, Cas."

"I have not brought myself down, Dean."

"Oh, well, you were insulting yourself."

"I am entirely as erect now as I was before."

"No, I meant don't bring down your moo-" he smiled, "I'm sorry... you're what?"

Cas rolled his eyes, "I believe I understand where your thought process is heading, and that is not what I meant. I simply meant I am sitting up."

Dean laughed, "If you say so."

Cas rolled his eyes before returning to his work.

Art class held an unknown tension, at least for Dean it was unknown- therefore it really shouldn't have existed at all,but Castiel knew, he knew oh too well what a bad, disgusting, coward he was. If he wasn't such a coward he would tell Crowley off regardless of the consequences. But he wasn't courageous, he would rather work for a drug dealer and lie to his boyfriend and friends and family, than own up to the fact that he was bad.

*

"Hey Deano," Meg said with a nod, looking at him from her desk, her boots propped up against the desk.

Dean raised his hand in a brief wave as he crossed the classrooms, "Hey Meg, is Cas here yet?"

"No, Clarence isn't here yet. Guess you'll just have to waste time with boring old me."

He smirked, sitting down at the desk next to her, "Eh, I've had worse."

"Good to know Dean, that does wonders for my self confidence."

He smiled, "That's what I'm here for. So, have you talked to Cas lately?"

"Yeah... we do have homeroom together, and lockers next to one another."

He rolled his eyes, "Okay, no time for you being an asshole, he'll be here soon- have you noticed anything off about him lately? He was being kind of weird in art."

She frowned and took her boots off the desk, sitting up, "Weird how?"

"I mean, that's the thing- he's not _being_ weird. He's being perfectly normal."

She raised her eyebrows, putting her arms on the table and leaning forward, "Okay... So Clarence is being perfectly normal, and this bothers you...why?"

"Well, I saw Crowley staring at him yesterday- y'know how he is, creepy like, smirking. He was doing that, and if Crowley's ever off Cas knows. He'll go all on me and be weirdly protective and shit. But he seems perfectly fine. I don't know, maybe I'm worrying too much- but doesn't that seem odd to you?"

"Well, maybe it's a good thing- maybe he's finally let himself relax some. But I'll check out Crowley, and if he's messing with Cas, I'll beat the shit out of him- anything to beat Crowley up, and then there's the fact that I'm sick of him messing with Clarence."

Dean nodded, "Thanks Meg."

"No problem, hey, he's my friend too- though we all know you're a bit more than friends. But don't tell him about any of this, he'll just worry."

Dean rolled his eyes, "Meg, I'm not stup-" He sighed, "I wouldn't do that."

"Well, we'll both just have to keep an eye on Crowley then."

He nodded.

*

There had been a time when Castiel marveled at school, he'd thought education was another of God's greatest creations- the gift of knowledge. He'd loved school, loved making friends, and learning new things everyday. School was always changing, evolving into something more wonderful than the previous day, it made Castiel so amicable. But some of his siblings had never agreed.

One sibling in particular who didn't seem to do well with school had been Lucifer. Once, when Castiel was six, Lucifer and father had begun a specifically unfortunate argument. His father had thrown a vase at the stairs, and Castiel had hid under his bed until Gabriel and Anna had convinced him to come out.

Castiel used to look back on that day with regret, but then he would always remember if it hadn't been for the arguing he might not have found The Beatles.

He knew it was silly, but that made it all worth it. After all, how many times had his band gotten him through the day? That sounded sophomoric as well, but it was the truth- all Cas had to do was press a button and they were there for him.

Anyhow, the reason behind Castiel's thinking was Crowley's request to-

"Castiel?" He said angrily, "Are you listening to me?"

"Yes," he responded gruffly.

"Well, if you could give me your attention for a second I'd _really_ appreciate it. Are you committed to this cause, or not?" Crowley hissed.

"Crowley, as much as I value your company- your voice has been grating against my ears, so please, hear me when I tell you again- yes, I am."

"Then do tell me what I've asked you to do."

"I am to locate Lucifer and his group so as to prove they are not insuperable."

"Which you haven't done yet, by the way," Crowley said with annoyance.

"Forgive me if locating a violent, sadistic gang who everyone seeks rancor against proves to use duplicity against you and I. As surprising as it is, they have taken precaution to being discovered," he said dryly.

Crowley was perfidious, and Castiel wanted nothing to do with him. Sometimes he made that fact known a little too well.

He stepped closer to Castiel, glaring at him from behind the abandoned building they were stationed at.

"Listen here you little _twat,_ " Crowley seethed, " _I'm_ the one with power here, _not you. I_ use you, _I_ benefit, and in return _you're_ kept out of trouble. You know what our relationship could be considered? _I'm_ your pimp, and _you're_ my _bitch_. You do the dirty work, and I get the rewards. So, if you feel the need to show your worth-"

He grabbed Castiel's jaw roughly, pulling him down to his height.

Crowley's grip tightened around his jaw, fingers turning white against Castiel's reddening jaw, hissing he said, " _Hold. Your. Tongue_."

He wrenched his hand free of Castiel's jaw, causing Cas to stumble backwards, his back hitting the brick wall before he fell in the snow. February had been filled with sleet and snow so far, and it was especially unfortunate right now. Cas' rosary almost slipped out of his jeans pocket, but Castiel caught the necklace before Crowley could notice.

Cas silently got to his feet, frowning as he rubbed his jaw.

" _That_. Was unnecessary."

Crowley sighed, Cas' continuous attempts to appear all powerful were so annoying,"Just go do your job."

Castiel sighed, nodding.

He hadn't been lying when he'd said tracking Lucifer was hard. His older brother had been lying his entire life, making him an even better liar than Castiel, a feat he did not know many to accomplish. If Lucifer had been lying his whole life, he would not be a stranger to someone attempting to find answers.

_Well, I'll bet you I'm gonna be a big star_

Then again, when he was around, Castiel had grown up next to Lucifer; before his brother had begun to leave as often as he had. Castiel paid attention to detail then, as he did now, and he knew when Lucifer would run off he often did so to dark alleys, abandoned buildings, dark, disgusting places no one else dare reside in.

_Might win an Oscar you can never tell_

Lucifer was not as talented with acting as Castiel was, or perhaps Castiel simply paid too much attention to detail. Or maybe Lucifer hadn't been trying to act. Perhaps he wasn't ashamed of leading a path astray from the family, perhaps he wasn't ashamed of who he was.

_The movies gonna make me a big star_

Castiel wouldn't know how that felt.

_Cause I can play the part so well_

But he could pretend if need be.

_Well I hope you'll come and see me in the movies_

Three times already, he had attempted to follow Lucifer. Only to lose him in a crowd. This time, however, Castiel had traced he and Lucifer's path and figured where and when exactly Lucifer had gone missing, hoping this would help him locate his brother.

_Then I know that you will plainly see_

"Where are you going, Lucifer?" Cas said to himself in the crowd as he silently followed his brother, disappearing into the trees so as not to be seen.

_The biggest fool that ever hit the big time_

The blonde scurried down the street, his blue eyes darting around constantly with a determinedly calm expression as he hurried down the dirty road. Castiel ran after Lucifer, which was considerably difficult as he had to stay behind the trees, and remain silent.

_And all I gotta do is act naturally_

Cas sighed to himself.

Stupid Crowley.

*

"Hey Cas, could you grab Zeppie's water bowl?" Dean asked from the living room, patting the puppy on his head.

Cas nodded, replying from the kitchen, "Sure."

Sam groaned next to Dean on the couch, "I still think that's a ridiculous name."

Dean rolled his eyes, putting a leash on the puppy before standing up, walking into the kitchen with the dog,"I _still_ think it's _my dog_ , so I get to name him."

Cas smiled as he put the water dish on the ground, Zeppie looking at him happily before lowering his head to the water.

"So, Sam, what's the deal again?"

Sam rolled his eyes, walking to he kitchen, "I'm gonna be 15 in a few months Dean, I think I can handle being on my own for a few hours."

"Never said you couldn't, just wanna make sure you know when Cas and I'll be back," Dean said with a shrug.

He sighed, "You and Cas are taking the dog for a walk to Bobby's, then Bobby's gonna watch the dog while you guys have your driving lesson, and then you're walking back here."

Dean nodded, "Alright, good to know you were listening."

He tapped Cas' shoulder, as Cas was currently staring at the puppy, fascinated with him. God he was cute- Cas, not the puppy. Well, he was a German shepherd, he was cute too, but really, Dean was fascinated with Cas.

His interest in life was incredible to see, Cas always seemed amazed by the most insignificant things. Hell, he liked Dean.

Dean chuckled at his boyfriend's lack of attention, tapping Cas' shoulder once more.

Cas raised his eyebrows, cerulean eyes turning with his body to face Dean, "Hm?"

"You ready to go?"

He looked down at the dog, and back to Dean, his eyes smiling. "Yes, I am ready to leave."

Dean nodded, and ran to the door.

He opened the door, stepping out to the apartment's and extending his hand out, "My good sir?"

Cas scoffed and picked up the dog's leash, rolling his eyes as he took Dean's hand to step out.

He smiled, "You're a dork."

Dean grinned, happily covering Cas' hand with his own.

"But you love me," Dean said with a grin, before turning to walk down the apartment's outdoor steps-

He grabbed Dean's other hand, Dean raised his eyebrows. Cas smiled at him and pressed him against the door, not wanting to rush him into anything. Cas gently pressed his lips to Dean's, before softly meeting their tongues. Dean made a sound of surprise beneath him, before happily responding.

Cas put his hands against Dean's face, fingers running down Dean's cheekbones- god, they were perfect- as he kissed him. Dean hummed happily, his own fingers reaching up to Cas' fluffy hair, wrapping his tan fingers in the dark tresses.

Zeppie barked, the leash still wrapped around Cas' wrist. Cas pulled away from Dean at the puppy's barking, and looked at his hand, remembering the dog.

He laughed, as did Dean when he realized the situation, and they both slowly walked the puppy down the stairs, careful not to have him trip walking down the concrete steps.

Cas looked at him, smiling, "I am sorry for my actions, that was rather cursory of me, wasn't it? My apologies, I meant for that to be more meticulous than it was."

Dean looked at him, raising his eyebrows before frowning, "Cas?"

He frowned, "Yes?"

Dean grinned, "You don't ever have to apologize for stuff like that, Cas,"

Cas rolled his eyes, "Yes, well, I am glad you don't mind."

"Mind?" He laughed, and raised his eyebrows, "Mind?! You say it like it's some bad thing I have to put up with. Cas, man, I'm happy you want to kiss me- I'm freakin thrilled."

Cas smiled, "Good. I've missed you."

Dean frowned, "Missed me? I've been here the whole time."

Cas nodded, though his eyes seemed unfocused now. Dean would never understand, because unlike Castiel, Dean was a good person. He smiled sadly.

"I know."

It was only the beginning of February, and Castiel was glad he had not taken off his suit or coat for the walk, as it was lightly snowing. Dean, always in his leather jacket, was also warm, thankfully, as it was also windy and slushy out. They reached the bottom of the steps, and Zeppie barked happily, not having left the building for a few days- only walking back and forth along the outdoor apartments halls.

"Are you sure we should take him out for a walk, Dean? It did rain yesterday, it's rather muddy out."

Dean shrugged, "If you want, I can walk the dog."

"It's fine, simply something I noticed."

The dog barked, and Cas laughed.

He guided the dog towards the sidewalk as a car sped by, "Zeppie truly is a ludicrous name."

"Would you have preferred Lynyrd? Like, Lynyrd Skynyrd?"

Cas frowned, looking at his boyfriend with confusion. Honestly, these references were extremely perplexing, Castiel almost felt as if he should carry a trivia book with him when he was speaking with Dean. Of course, if he was being honest, he felt this way around most people.

Truly it was rather irritating to Castiel to never understand what those around him were speaking of. Meg spoke of many different movies and tv shows, or music, or books which he had never read- of course, this was not Meg's intention, simply that Castiel was almost alien to pop culture references. Except for those regarding The Beatles, of course.

Dean waved his hand, "It's a band."

"Well, at least Lynyrd Skynyrd is a real name, unlike Led Zeppelin."

Dean laughed.

Cas frowned, "What is so humorous?"

Dean laughed again, "Haha, Cas- ha, oh, poor Cas. Lynyrd Skynyrd's just a band name too, no one in the band has that name, and when they named the band they didn't know anyone with that name."

Cas' frown deepened, his brow furrowing as they crossed the street, snow pushing against them as they walked.

He threw his hands up in the air after they crossed the street, "Why do your bands do this?! My band would never do something so inconsiderate."

Dean laughed, "Your band?"

"The Beatles would never have given themselves such a confusing name. They had been The Beatles, The Silver Beetles, and The Quarrymen- but never would someone think 'The Beatles' to be a name."

Dean grinned, "Aw, come on Cas, I've heard you talk about those guys- don't tell me you wouldn't totally have a kid named 'The Beatles'."

Cas frowned, and guided the dog left as they turned, the wind whipping harshly against their faces, "Of course not."

Dean raised his eyebrows, "Really? Huh, and here I thought you were a real fan."

Cas looked at him, "I am a real fan."

Dean shook his head, "Nope. I'm not seeing it, honestly, I think you're a liar. I don't even think you like The Beatles."

"Dean Winchester! What a crude assumption! You should know of my 'obsolete' music tastes, as Naomi so uncouthly suggests. I am an avid listener of The Beatles, I am disheartened in our relationship to know you question my love."

Dean guffawed, "Your love?!"

"Oh, laugh and offer jibes as you wish, but I believe your cruelty to be masking jealousy," Cas said smugly.

"Ha! _Jealousy_?! Of what?!"

"My constant infatuation with John, Ringo, George, and Paul, of course."

Dean laughed, "Yeah, I'm real worried some _dead guys_ are gonna trump my good looks."

"Dean," Cas said dourly, "Not all of my members are lifeless, some function very well, thank you very much."

He burst into laughter, "God, you don't even know you're doing it, do you?!"

Cas frowned, pausing to let the puppy pee, "Doing what?"

Dean merely laughed harder. He was so glad Cas was around to make him laugh, and smile, and he gladly did his best to do the same- though most his jokes were lost due to Cas' lack of having a life outside of school and music. Not that Dean was complaining or anything, it was Cas' life. Though Dean found he didn't mind the way Cas went about school, it was nice to see him so at ease with the world.

Castiel frowned, "Dean, why do you continue to suggest I am having intercourse with objects. Why do you say I am doing something?"

He laughed,"No, Cas, man you've really gotta learn the differences between my meanings."

Cas frowned as they continued down a different sidewalk, "How am I to differentiate from your expressions and references? I only understand the single Clint Eastwood movie and the Back to The Future movies."

"Great Scott!" Dean said with a smile, "That's an improvement."

Cas smiled, "Hey! I understood that reference!"

Dean scoffed, smiling, "Alright, Captain America."

He frowned, "That one I did not."

"Oh, yeah. I forgot you've still got a bunch of Superhero movies to watch! We should totally start with Batman," Dean said excitedly.

Oh, Cas had to like Batman- everybody liked Batman. Even when Charlie was teasing him, 'and you say you're not my nerdy friend' 'Says the girl who has a fake one ring' 'Well yeah, but I can't be my _own_ nerdy friend'. 

"Why do you enjoy Batman so much?"

Dean's eyes widened, "Holy lack of Batman knowledge! You're right, you've never seen one!"

Cas frowned, "I do not understand, how is a lack of Batman information to be considered holy?"

"No, it's a- in the 60's Batman, Robin says 'holy this' 'holy that' a lot."

His frown grew, "'Holy this' 'holy that'? What an odd catchphrase."

Dean smiled, "No, no, I didn't- he doesn't really say 'holy this' 'holy that' it was just an example.

"Ah, I see. Do you mean, Robin the Boy Wonder?"

Dean raised his eyebrows, "Yeah, I do actually. How'd you know?"

Cas shrugged, looking both ways before the two males and the german shepherd crossed the street.

"Gabriel used to suggest I resembled him when we were younger, he still does occasionally.My dark hair and blue eyes apparently remind him of The Boy Wonder, which he would call me when I cleaned, or studied, or pr- well, he would call me that a lot."

Dean raised his eyebrows again, "Cas? You know I'm cool if you pray, right?"

"You- you wouldn't mind? I truly don't believe you'd like to hear of my zealously religious family, dealing with them proves to be rather tedious."

Dean rolled his eyes, "Man, I don't care- you know about my weird ass family, we travel the country killing 'monsters'. Pretty hard to be stranger than that."

_'I bet I could be.'_

Cas laughed softly, shaking his head, "My brother was named after The Devil."

Dean winced, "Um... I was named after my grandma."

Cas laughed, cheeks red from both happiness and the cold, "Not quite the same, but interesting nonetheless. Why were you named after you grandmother? If I may ask."

"Oh, well, my grandpa's name was Samuel, and my grandma's name was Deanna- they died before I was born I guess, but my mom wanted to name us after them."

"And your father's grandparents did not object?"

"Well, my grandma died some time after we were born, I think- I don't know, my dad's not exactly the best at keeping in contact with people, and our grandpa died when I was little. I met him a few times though, he was nice."

Cas nodded, "I am sorry for your loss, my father's grandparents passed as well."

 _'What about your mom?_ ' Dean wondered as they approached Bobby's street.

"You know, Dean, I never did answer your question, but I have to say you were quite wrong in your assumption."

He raised his eyebrows, "What question?"

"You said I would name my child 'The Beatles' but I would never name my children that."

Dean smiled, raising his eyebrows obnoxiously, "Oh, and what would you name your bundle of rug rats, Cas?"

"Don't be so facetious Dean, this is a serious matter."

He rolled his eyes, before frowning and drawing his eyebrows together so tightly you couldn't see his eyes, an impersonation of Castiel. "What would you name your _beautiful children_ , Cas?"

Cas rolled his eyes as well, "I've had these names in mind for quite some time now- Rita, Martha, Vera, Chuck, Dave, Jude, Michelle, Molly, Bill, Bonnie, Joan, Rose, Valerie, Desmond, Lucy, Penny, not Sadie, Lucy,Abbey, Eleanor," even though he didn't particularly like the association, he continued with the next name, "Mackenzie- for a boy, Prudence, Madonna, Lizzie, Rocky, Nancy, Dan, Pam, Jo-Jo, Robert."

Dean's eyes widened, "Dude, say that again.'

Cas frowned, "Why?"

"I want to see you say it again, no way you've got all those names down."

"Well, technically you wouldn't see me say it again- you would hear me say it again, because I never drew or wrote it out, so you never really saw it to begin with."

Dean rolled his eyes, "I almost regret asking, but, please Cas- could I hear it again?"

He shrugged, "Sure. Rita, Martha, Vera, Chuck, Dave, Jude, Michelle, Molly, Bill, Bonnie, Joan, Rose, Valerie, Desmond, Lucy, Penny- not Sadie, because I do not want my child to be sexualized- Lucy, Abbey, Eleanor, Mackenzie for a boy, Prudence, Madonna, Lizzie, Rocky, Nancy, Dan, Pam, Jo-Jo, Robert."

Dean's eyes widened again, "Wow, nice job Will Hunting- and here I thought you made half those names up."

Cas frowned, "That is not my name."

Dean nodded, clapping him on the back as they walked up Bobby's long driveway, "I know, buddy. I know."

"Oh, and Anna," Cas added as the three males waked up to Bobby's house.

Dean raised his eyebrows, "Aw, for your sister? That's sweet."

Cas frowned, and his brow furrowed in distaste, "For my _sister_? No, of course not. Anna is a Beatles cover."

Dean laughed, "Oh, of _course_."

Cas' eyes widened as he realized he'd almost forgotten one of the most important names, "and Julia!" He rushed to recover.

Dean raised his eyebrows, "That a Beatles song too? Why didn't you just say it with he rest, Cas? Of course, that is a lot to rememb-"

"I like Julia," Cas said softly.

Dean chuckled, "Well okay, just wondering."

"Hey, you two idjit a quit giggling like a bunch of schoolgirls and get up here!" Bobby shouted from his porch.

The 18 year old turned to the other, saying sarcastically, "Don't you just love his charming greetings?"

Cas scoffed, before smiling, "They would make for an interesting greeting card."

Dean laughed as they neared the porch, "Yeah, sure would- would probably keep your uncle away for a while."

Cas laughed as well, "In that case, I'm all for the idea."

Bobby whistled, and the puppy looked up, and began sprinting off, throwing Cas around. The dog bolted forward and the leash jerked in the Cas' hand, pulling Castiel down with it. Zeppie ran through a mud puddle, and Castiel stumbled with him, landing face first in a large mud puddle.

SPLASH!

Cold, thick, mucky, dirty, brown water oozed down Cas' face, pants, and dress shirt.

Dean guffawed, clutching his stomach as he looked at his drenched boyfriend, "If- haha- if you want- I- I can walk the dog- f-for you, C-Cas! I offered!"

Castiel glared at him pitifully from the freezing, dirty puddle he laid in. Wind whipped against Cas' dirty cheeks, and the air began freezing the cold water against his face.

Cas looked up from the mud to see Dean running to him, albeit biting his lip, but running nonetheless. He attempted to pull his leg up from under him, but something stopped it from moving. He couldn't move.

_We'll make the scene about a man that's sad and lonely_

Cas tugged harder, but still wasn't able to move- why couldn't he move? What was grabbing him? He was stuck, powerless, something grabbing him by the leg. Why couldn't he move- why couldn't he move?!

His breath began to quicken as he continued to roughly pull his leg from whatever had him. He was stuck, he was powerless. He was powerless and- and what if someone used that to their opportunity?! He couldn't fight anyone off, and- and he had been bad and now he was trapped and surely someone would find him- surely the preacher would find him. He knew. Dean knew. They all knew, and if not they would find out soon. They would find out how disgusting he was and they would hate him- they would hate him! Now he had to wait for his punishment in the filth, in the dirt, like an animal!

Just where he belonged, the dirt. Where filthy abominations rolled around in the dirt- that's all he was, he was filthy and an abomination and because of that no one would ever love him. Because of that someone was going to punish him, he didn't want that! He didn't want to be punished! He'd never wanted it- it didn't matter what he wanted, he was bad and dirty and disgusting! Why should he ever be given what he wanted? Why, why did everything in his life always lead back to this? It was just a puddle, it was a **fucking puddle**! Normal people would laugh it off and ask for help, **why couldn't he just be normal?!**

_And begging down upon his bended knee_

"Hey, hey, hey, hey Cas- hey it's alright," Dean said calmly, walking up behind him.

Cas stilled, Dean was right behind him- and he was trapped, and he was lying to Dean. What if Dean knew? What if he had just been waiting to punish him? No, no that was ridiculous- but then, but then he'd been lying all week-

_I'll play the part and I won't need rehearsing_

What if it _wasn't_ ridiculous? What if he was right about this and Dean was just going to betray him in the end and what if he'd been **stringing himself along but really Dean didn't care about him and Cas just made himself think Dean cared because Cas was just so lonely he was so lonely because he was so bad and no one wanted to be around him he was going to die old and alone because no one wanted to be around him no one- but not before Dean punished him and Dean was going to hurt him because he'd been lying but no Dean couldn't do that but what if he did what if he did he probably would and Bobby would watch and everyone would hate him everyone would hate him everyone would hate him even more unless they already did hate him it made him miserable but good, good he was glad people didn't like him he was glad his siblings hated him because he was bad and dirty and diseased and disgusting and filthy and why would anyone ever care about him why would anyone ever love something so disgusting he was disgusting and dirty and no one should want him because he would just spread his disease because that's all he was good for that's all he was good for he was just a fuck up he was just a fuck up he was a fuck up the only thing he could do right was destroy what was good in this world all he could do was destroy what was good in this world so of course Dean was going to take advantage of him of course of course he would punish him it was no more than Cas d** -

"Cas!"

_All I gotta do is act naturally_

His frightened blue eyes looked up from the mud to see Dean looking at him with concern.

_Well, I'll bet you I'm gonna be a big star_

Dean leant down, and Cas bit his trembling lip- don't be afraid, don't be afraid, it's just Dean, you were being stupid he won't hurt you, Dean won't hurt you, Dean won't hurt you, Dean won't hurt you.

_Might win an Oscar you can never tell_

Dean gently laid a hand on his cheek, "Cas it's just me- it's just me! It's okay- your leg is wrapped up in a lot of weeds, and I'm gonna help you get your leg out," he said, he began to ramble nervously,"A bunch, actually, they're all tangled up together- I think some of the weeds have thorns in them, sorry...uh, they uh- they probably got stuck in your clothes."

_The movies gonna make me a big star_

Cas nodded, eyes going back and forth from Dean's hands to his face.

_Cause I can play the part so well_

"Sorry if this hurts," Dean said as he reached for a thorn, which had embedded itself into his skin, "I'm gonna start taking them out now- just so you know."

Cas nodded, "Don't worry," he said with a raspy voice, "I've had worse."

Dean looked up at him, before turning back to his leg, "Yeah, well... sorry anyways."

_Well I hope you'll come and see me in the movies_

He eased the last thorn out of Cas' leg, and helped him sit up, "Uh, Bobby's the dog- so, y'know, he's fine. Guess we should've warned him we were bringing a dog, a German shepherd at that."

Cas nodded, laughing softly, if a little nervously, "Yes, we... I probably should have been more prepared for today."

_Then I know that you will plainly see_

"Alright," Dean smiled, "next time." Dean looked at him then, a concerned, cautious, look in his eye, and he looked Cas in the eye, silently asking him more than he said, "Cas, are you sure you're okay?"

_The biggest fool that ever hit the big time_

And Castiel looked back at Dean, and did what he did best.

"Yes."

He lied.

_And all I gotta do is act naturally_


	22. The Night Before

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bobby and Dean deal with the repercussions of last chapter. Cas doesn't feel well. Anna tries to speak with Cas. Sam encourages Dean to speak with Cas.
> 
>  
> 
> WARNING: Brief hints at self harm.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry guys, I was really busy with exams, and this chapter's kind of a filler. I hope you like it nonetheless, reviews would really be appreciated!

Bobby frowned, looking at Dean, "You boys were too far 'way- and y'know it was too dark for me too see, would it have killed ya to tell me you had a dog with you?"

"Well sorry Red Skelton, but how I was supposed to know you were gonna be whistling in the dark?!" Dean said with a frown, looking over at Cas, who sat in Bobby's stained arm chair, shivering.

"Well if you two had hurried your asses up, I wouldn't 'ave whistled," Bobby said incredulously.

"Yeah, well we would 'ave hurried up, but we were busy with the dog!" Dean said, throwing his hands up in the air.

"Yeah, well, quit your moping and watch your tone. I'm sorry bout your boyfriend gettin a cold and all, but there ain't much I can do 'bout it," Bobby said grumpily.

Dean raised his eyebrows, "That really the best apology you've got?"

Bobby shrugged, "Cas doesn't want me bothering him, so I won't. Already tried talking to him, he kind of just nodded along but that boy ain't listening- he ain't listen to a word I say. So yeah, that's what I got- sorry Dean, but, isn't this kind of... your area anyways?"

Dean rolled his eyes, "Well, thanks for the help, Bobby."

Bobby raised his eyebrows, shrugging before he went outside.

Dean sighed, and looked over to his shivering boyfriend, who had a fluffy blue blanket wrapped around his shoulders. The puppy sat on the ground, looking up at Cas innocently, tongue flopping out as he smiled at Cas- as if he hadn't just dragged Cas through a freezing, muddy puddle. Cas paid the shepherd no mind, his stormy eyes staring off into space.

He walked over to Cas cautiously, eyebrows raised as he hesitantly spoke, "Cas, are you okay?"

Cas looked up at him tiredly, "Dean, I'm fine."

His troubled, tired blue eyes said differently, but Dean nodded nonetheless.

"Uh, right. Sure, sorry," Dean said unsurely.

Cas nodded, not laying him any mind, "Quite alright."

An awkward silence settled over them as Dean nodded, clearing his throat before looking away. Cas sneezed then, and Dean smiled, glad for something to disrupt the awkward silence that was approaching.

"Sorry if you get sick," he offered with a shrug,looking over at his boyfriend.

Cas shook his head before sneezing, "I'm alright."

Dean nodded, thought it was obvious to him Cas wasn't alright, hell, when had Cas ever been ' _alright_ '? He used to get skittish around Dean and his mood would change over the littlest things, it still happened sometimes actually- he nearly cried once because he accidentally fell asleep at Dean's house, he just had a freakin breakdown over some damn roots!

Alright was the farthest thing from what Cas was. Dean just wanted to help, but would Cas ever tell him anything? No. They'd known each other for seven months, and Dean still knew next to nothing about Cas' family.

And, y'know, whatever, Dean wasn't a big sharer either. But sometimes- all the time- Dean worried about Cas. It was obvious his boyfriend had some kind of problem with adults- Cas was nervous to meet Bobby, he didn't get along with most of his older siblings, he was relieved that he would probably never have to meet Dean's dad.

He had a freakin meltdown when that asshole at the party came into him- and Dean wasn't saying he didn't have a right to be upset, course he did! But... the... running away.... the crying in the bathroom, the locking himself in a stall, he and Meg having to convince him to come out- that wasn't normal.

There was something off about that.

Why did Cas hide from Dean and Meg? Why was he always so by the books? Why did his older siblings scare him? Where the hell was his dad?!

There were so many questions Dean still had, so many things he didn't know about Cas. Cas knew everything about Dean. Cas knew about the fire, about his dad drinking, about his dad leaving Dean to watch Sam since he was eight, about Dean's desire to be a police officer, about the hound, hell- about Alastair!

Cas knew everything.

And, hell, not that Dean wanted Cas to pour out a sob story about every damn thing in his life! But Dean was worried for Cas, Dean was so scared something was going to happen to him.

And he didn't even know why

*

"Are you okay, Castiel?" Anna asked with concern, looking at her baby brother as he lay on the couch.

Cas sighed of exhaustion- which was interrupted by his sneeze- and wearily looked up at her, his cheek moving against the couch as he did so, "Yes, Anna. I'm fine."

At the moment, he should have been with Dean, but of course, Cas had gotten sick. And had a panic attack. Over a puddle.

Over. A _fucking_. Puddle.

He was so pathetic. And he was so tired of it. He was so tired of bending over backwards to do well in school, of watching Naomi and Michael treat Anna with such blatant disrespect- more so Naomi- he was tired of living in fear of the priest, and lying to people about him.

He was just so tired of lying, no matter what Castiel did, he always ruined things.

Dean had invited him to spend time with him, and Cas had ruined it- again. Again, he had ruined everything because he couldn't get over something that had happened to him three years ago. He should be _over_ it by now.

Besides, it had only happened a few times- and- and hadn't the preacher been helping Cas? He scoffed, he didn't know anymore, he was so tired of arguing with himself on whether or not he deserved his punishment.

He was just so tired.

What was the point in him making an effort to speak with Meg, or attending school, or speaking with Anna? What was the point of doing anything?

Honestly, the only activity he currently wished to pursue was sleep.

Castiel knew he should simply return to his habits, and become a 'recluse' again, as Naomi had so agitatedly addressed him. Ah well, so she was disappointed in him. What did she want Cas to do?

Normally he would feel absolutely horrible for even thinking these things, but honestly, Castiel was too tired to care. There had been a time when Castiel had been too tired to do anything, and as time passed, he was realizing his feelings were regressing to that original sentiment. Well, Anna would call it regression- personally, Castiel would call this progression.

Relying on people for happiness was never a wise idea, nor was pursuing relationships a wise idea.

What was the point of pursuing a relationship with Dean if Castiel's past would only destroy it? Obviously Castiel had frightened Dean, and he had made himself appear helpless. The poor little altar boy who had been r- punished, too many times, and now was crying over a few weeds.

_We said our goodbyes, ah, the night before_

Dean had wrapped him in a blanket, and driven him home after Castiel's panic attack. Cas couldn't blame him, if a puddle was enough to make him sob and scream, how could he be trusted driving a car?

_Love was in your eyes, ah, the night before_

Lovely, now Dean would likely treat him like an incompetent child. He would likely never look at Castiel the same way, assuming Dean had ever held him above the behavior Castiel had shown.

_Now today I find you have changed your mind_

Of course, he had cried at the New Year's Eve party. Goodness, his subconscious must truly wish to be perceived as an infant, what with the emotional displays it had allowed Dean to witness. If only Dean could forget his panic attack, and look at him as more an equal- instead of a child who was on the verge of hysteria at all times.

_Treat me like you did the night before_

"Castiel?"

Cas looked up, fatigue written in his posture, as well as his eyes. "Yes-" cough "-Anna?"

"Are you... are you sure you're alright? If you wanna talk about it, you could."

"You are directing this conversation under the false assumption that there is indeed something wrong, which I have already informed you there is not."

Anna frowned, "Cas, you have to tell someone when something's bothering you."

' _I told someone once_ ,' Cas thought ' _I'm never making the mistake of telling a family member again.'_

"Anna, nothing's bothering me," Cas said with a sigh, before sneezing.

She looked at him, brow drawing in concern, why did he always have to be so difficult? Castiel acted as if Anna hadn't found bloody razors, hadn't convinced him to stop cutting when he was 15. She had been there to help him through all if this, and now he was going to start again, and act as if nothing was happening

She bit her lip before angrily saying, "You can't keep _lying_ to me, Castiel! It's not fair to either of us! If you need help, you should _talk_ to me!"

Cas looked at her wearily, "Anna. I don't need help. I don't need anyone's help- it's appreciated, but unnecessary."

"Castiel, we've been here before- please, I don't want to find you on the bathroom-"

He sat up and looked at her cooly, "You _won't_ ," Cas said with a frown dismissing the conversation from going any further.

She sighed, frowning as she crossed her arms, "I wish you would talk to me about things like this more."

"Things like _what_?" He said angrily.

Anna's frown turned into a glare, "Castiel, I care more for you than anyone else- but your reluctance to talk about what I know can be frustrating."

Cas sighed, "I do have not the slightest idea what you are attempting to discuss Anna. Now, if you will excuse me, I intend to retire to my room for the night."

He stood from the couch and walked upstairs, turning on the steps before going to his room, "Good night," he said tersely.

*

"Something's off with Cas, Sam," Dean said as the brothers drove to school.

Sam raised his eyebrows, looking over at the driver, "He still sick?"

Dean shook his head as he took another turn, "No I mean- well yeah but he's- he's different lately. He was kind of... cold, to me yesterday- other times he'll be completely normal. But it's just... I just... there's so much I don't know about him, Sam- and he knows basically everything about me."

_Were you telling lies, ah, the night before?_

Sam raised his eyebrows, "Everything everything?"

_Was I so unwise, ah, the night before?_

Dean looked at him, "He knows about _Alastair_."

_When I held you near you were so sincere_

Sam eyes widened. "Oh. Wow, I uh- I didn't realize you guys were that close. I mean, I knew you were but...  _wow_."

Sam took the new information in for a moment, before nodding, "Good for you, Dean. I'm proud of you."

He frowned, turning to look at him, "You are?"

_Treat me like you did the night before_

Sam smiled softly, "Yeah, I am. Look, whatever's going on with Cas- I'm sure you guys can fix it, maybe you just need to talk about it. I mean, have you tried asking him?"

Dean nodded as they stopped at a light. "I tried. Sam he- he said he was okay."

_Last night is a night I will remember you by_

Sam looked at him unsurely, "Yeah?""

Dean faced him for a moment, frowning, "Sam he is not okay."

Sam frowned, "Well what do you think's-"

"Sam, he had a panic attack," Dean said, his frown deepening as he turned.

Concern masked his frown, "He _did_?" Sam said worriedly, "Is he okay? What happened?"

Dean shook his head, "God it was-" he sighed, "god it was _scary_."

_When I think of things we did it makes me wanna cry_

Dean frowned, "And he was totally fine on the walk, he was laughing and making jokes and telling me shit. We had a good time, but freakin _Zeppie_ \- Bobby whistled, didn't know we had a damn dog with us and Marley decides to run off and drag Cas through a puddle. Shit, I felt so freaking bad- I" he sighed, "Fuck, I laughed Sam. I was a real dick because, y'know, Cas was all muddy and I thought it was funny."

"But he fell in a bunch of weeds and shit, and they got wrapped around one of his legs. And they had thorns and Cas didn't know what was holding him down and Cas he just- Cas just started taking these really short breaths and they kept getting cut off, and then he was shaking, and I thought he was gonna start crying. His chest was heaving and he just looked so... scared, Sam."

Sam looked at his hands, unsure of what to say, "Dean I- that really sucks. Do y know what triggered his attack? I just- obviously having a panic attack is bad but...maybe you should find out. I don't know, I guess this would be your move- but, relationships require contact, or they won't work."

Dean scoffed, "Alright, Dr. Phil."

Sam sighed, "They also require maturity."

Dean laughed as he turned the car into the school parking lot, "Oh yeah? And what do you know about maturity little brother?"

Sam frowned, rolling his eyes, "More than you obviously. But Dean, seriously, you gotta talk to him."

"I did!" Dean said insistently as parked the car, "I asked him if he was okay, and he said he was- I mean, I don't know what I'm supposed to do, Sam. Obviously something's off with him, but I don't know how to talk to him about it- I'm not good with this stuff Sam."

He shrugged, unbuckling, "I don't know, Dean. I guess you'll just have to try."

Dean scoffed as he got out of the car,turning to Sam as he stepped out as well, "I thought you were supposed to be helpful."

"Hey, a few minutes ago you said I didn't know anything since I was younger, so I guess I'm not expected to give good advice, anyways. Since you're the wise big brother," Sam said sarcastically.

Dean scoffed, "Bitch."

"Jerk."

*

"You've barely gotten me any useful information, Castiel," Crowley said unhappily, leaning against the locker.

Cas sighed as he put his books in his locker, sneezing before turning to face Crowley,"Yes, well, this has proved to be rather difficult."

"So has keeping your secret."

Cas glared at him.

Crowley raised his eyebrows, shrugging, "What? It's not my fault you decided to tell him about your little predicament, you should've known better than to tell a family member. Cas, a family is just a cult before they go mad- and it seems yours has already started. It would seem you picked one of the worst family members to tell."

"I was a child," Cas said quietly, glaring as he thought of the past decision.

Crowley scoffed, "Apparently not a very smart one."

Cas said nothing, only offering a glare in response.

Crowley chuckled to himself, "Funny," he said, "That the one you would trust is named after an angel, but turns out to be the Devil."

"Yes, well..." Cas sighed, shaking his head, not in complete disagreement with the statement. "I believe I have made progress in my searchings, I have to reason to believe I have discovered a significant location. Lucifer was meeting with a man there, he had strange eyes, I perceived them to be-"

Crowley sighed, "Yellow? Of course they were yellow." He clicked his tongue, sighing once more, "lovely."

He frowned, "Yes, is that of significance to you? I had presumed it would be."

"Oh, you would not like him Castiel- _nasty_ man," Crowley said with a shake of his head.

"Hm, strange- that description would lead me to assume you would get along."

Crowley frowned, "Is it really that hard for you to shorten your sentences?"

Cas frowned as well, sneezing as before furrowing his brow, "I haven't the _slightest_ idea what you are attempting to indicate."

Crowley rolled his eyes, "Of course you don't. Anyhow, Cas, thank you for the information."

His frown deepened, "Why are you treating me so equitably, Crowley?"

Crowley sighed, "If we are speaking to each other honestly, which, considering the amount of information I know about you- I'm assuming we are, this is actually quite a laborious process. But, contrary to the popular belief, I actually favor your company to most I work with."

"And you say I require-" cough "considerable amounts of time to speak," Cas said with a glare.

"You do when you're sick. In simpler terms- most people I work with are sleazy, untrustworthy, lying, scumbags."

"It would seem you've surrounded yourself with good friends, then- as you have so much in common," Cas said dryly.

"Yes, yes I'm a terrible person, I know."

Castiel noticed Dean and Sam approaching the school doors and turned back to Crowley, "I think it would be best to not see be seen with me. As to avoid uncomfortable questions."

Crowley frowned, "Y'know, if I was really the bad guy- I'd stick around and let them see me, and then make you to lie them even more."

Cas frowned in return, "Well, thank you for your ceaseless bouts of compassion, Crowley."

Crowley offered a fake smile, waving before leaving, "You're _welcome_."

Castiel sighed and closed his locker, looking down the hall, waiting for Dean and Sam to approach him. He anticipated Dean's usual energy, but was instead met with Dean awkwardly looking at him, rubbing the back of his neck already as he approached his boyfriend.

"Uh, hey Cas," Dean said unsurely, his eyes darting to the floor and back to Castiel.

Sam looked at the awkward scene before shaking his head, "Uh, I'm gonna go... talk to Jess."

Sam walked away, leaving Dean and Cas to speak to one another. Castiel stared at him, before coughing into the sleeve of his dress shirt, offering nothing to break the silence. He sneezed then, and cursed himself in his mind, god why did this have to happen to him?

_We said our goodbye, ah, the night before_

Dean cleared his throat, before leaning up against a locker, "So uh, Cas- you've been... Um, you've been acting different lately, and it's bugging me so I'm just gonna ask- what's bothering you?"

_Love was in your eyes, ah, the night before_

He stared at Cas, waiting for an answer, but when Dean looked at Castiel- he didn't see the kind, curious blue eyes he normally saw. His eyes were shaded, guarded- guarded from something Dean still couldn't begin to understand. What was Cas trying so hard to hide from him?

"Nothing," Cas said dismissively, before sneezing.

"Bullshit," Dean hissed. "You're sick, you're acting weird-"

_Now today I find you have changed your mind_

He sighed, "Seriously, Cas, what's bothering you?"

_Treat me like you did the night before_

Cas frowned, "Dean. Nothing. Is. Bothering me."

_Yes_

"I wish you would just tell me," Dean huffed, "I wanna help."

_When I held you near you were so sincere_

Castiel glared at him, revealing a coldness Dean had only ever associated with his siblings. It was an expression Castiel never wanted to show someone, and here he was, turning out just like the rest of his family.

_Treat me like you did the night before_

Lying, hurting people for what they thought was right, determined to please God.

Dean looked at him with worry, "Cas, please."

_Last night is a night I will remember you by_

Wouldn't they be proud?

_When I think of things we did it makes me wanna cry_

His green eyes bore into Castiel, concern and sadness boring into Castiel's stoic expression, "Cas, why are you blocking me out? Do you- do you _want_ my help?"

_Were you telling lies, ah, the night before?_

Of course, Castiel wasn't trying to be stoic. He was trying to protect Dean, and keep his secret just that, a secret. Honestly, it was something he was so tired of- but Castiel had spent so long lying to those around him, he wasn't sure if he knew how to fully trust people anymore.

_Was I so unwise, ah, the night before?_

But if he just told Dean...

_When I held you near you were so sincere_

Perfect. Yes, he could rely on Dean, his knight in shining armor, and Dean would rescue him and suddenly all of Castiel's problems- his nightmares, his need to do well, his family situations- everything would suddenly magically be fixed, because a cute boy said he liked him.

_Treat me like you did the night before_

Yes, that was what he needed.

_Like the night before_

Except for it wasn't.

Dean couldn't fix everything, and society's belief that a love interest could fix everything was ridiculous- if anything, relationships merely made both internal and external struggles more pressing matters.

"I'm sorry Dean," Castiel said with a frown, not looking at Dean's hurt expression. "But I don't need your help."

Dean looked at him, his big green eyes showing- and Cas he- he almost wanted to tell him. He almost wanted to offer Dean reprieve to this endless secret. But he didn't.

"As I've already said Dean," Cas continued in a cool tone, "I'm alright."


	23. Help!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dean talks to Sam. Castiel learns more about Lucifer. Castiel remembers. He decides to talk to Dean.
> 
>  
> 
> WARNINGS: Semi-graphic descriptions of self harm, hints at suicide, mentions of rape, brief (more so implied) rape scene, murder

He sighed, and hit the his hand on the impala's steering wheel, "You know, it's like he doesn't even fucking listen to me," Dean huffed.

_Help_

Sam looked over at him warily, before casting his eyes to the ground and rubbing his neck.

_I need somebody_

"I just-" he sighed again, "Y'know it's getting a bit ridiculous. I mean, I can't ask the guy once what's bothering 'im without Cas gettin' all worked up- y'know he gets just like his siblings. It always goes back to them Sam, and it's getting ridiculous."

_Help_

"I-I don't know, Dean," Sam said unsurely.

_Not just anybody_

Dean sighed, "No it's fine, I don't expect you to know what to say. I'm just tired of the secrets between us, y'know? I mean, it's obvious something's bothering him, he needs help with something- it's been obvious since I met the guy."

_Help_

"Well- am I allowed to ask? What do you think it is?"

"I-" Dean sighed, "I'm not- well it's-" he shook his head, "It's more so that he's pushing everyone away."

_You know I need someone_

"Seems like you've met your match then," Sam said with a shrug.

Dean frowned, "What?"

"I just mean that you don't tell people all about yourself, Dean- maybe Cas is just that way too, and you've gotta be patient."

_Help_

Dean huffed, "Yeah, maybe."

*

Working with Crowley had shown Castiel that Lucifer wasn't as bad as he thought.

He was worse.

When Naomi spoke of Lucifer- which wasn't very often, as she said their relation was already horrid enough- she had said he was disobedient, disloyal, and destructive. However, if Lucifer's gang was anything to go by- he was quite a clever man. Castiel now realized how in the dark he had been kept as a child, after seeing the work of Lucifer around him, as he secretly watched them.

This was the only was he could keep his mind off of Dean. If he wasn't working, he would only think of his heartbroken expression, and the guilt it caused Castiel to feel. If he threw himself into homework, his mind called him away to thoughts of Dean's dismal expression. If he cleaned the house, he knew Anna was not far away, and thought of her misery from being lied to for so many years.

How could Dean expect Castiel to tell him what happened?

How could Anna expect for Castiel to tell her what happened? How could anyone?

For them, it was a time- an event, a person, a place they would never have to go to, hopefully (he prayed they would never have to endure such sorrow) something they would never have to go through. Their lives wouldn't be changed forever like Castiel's would if they found out, not in the same way.

It would seem it was such an easy solution: if the secret was too much, he should just tell someone. But- to how could anyone expect him to go backward on a promise he had sewn into his being so many years ago? A promise he had made to himself eight years ago, was not an easy thing to break.

For them it wasn't the same- it was an awful story Castiel would retell, and they would surely feel awful for him- but it wasn't their life, it wasn't something they could ever understand. Oh of course they would try, they would try so hard to understand- but they never would, and how could giving them this kind of grief ever be an option to Castiel? They would never know. And they would never understand.

They would never shrink in on themselves at the sight of older men. Their minds would never break and fold in on themselves in an attempt to find the truth- in an attempt to discover if they were a good person or not.

Luckily, Castiel had already found the answer to that question.

He was not a good person.

And he was surprisingly finding he didn't care anymore- rather, still didn't care.

For so many years this overwhelming need was the only thing that awoke him in the morning- but Castiel- now he was just too tired. He'd realized that over the past few weeks. Perhaps he'd known longer and had simply been lying to himself, but he was too tired to care.

All he knew was Dean could never know, or anyone else- that was all Castiel had to keep him going.

"Azazel, how is Lilith's work with Crowley going?" Lucifer asked calmly, walking across the dark floor to his worker.

Another man was also in the room, a young, brunette, caucasian man, but he said nothing as the conversation began.

Their meeting place was typically this abandoned building, though occasionally they would begin in the alley on heir way up to this building. Perhaps Lucifer would meet in a more public place if he was not so powerful- but, granted he was, he did not fear anyone would try to harm him. So Lucifer had his meetings in a dark, dusty, abandoned building- on the corner of an old street, in a particular rough patch of the city.

Luckily, Castiel had yet to be found.

Hiding in crevices was not easy, especially ones as dusty as these- but Crowley needed more answers- and Castiel was nothing if not capable, so he had hidden himself between the cracks of the old closet, behind dusty shelves and ashes, as he had been doing for the past two weeks.

Azazel looked at Lucifer confidently- he must be one of Lucifer's trusted then, or if not, he was often working with him, and used to Lucifer being displeased, Cas would have to remember to tell Crowley- before saying, "Crowley is becoming rather independent, sir- Lilith says she fears his work is becoming more for itself than anyone else."

Lucifer chuckled, "Well, yes, that is to be expected of Fergus. Quite the opportunist he is."

"Yes, sir."

Lucifer nodded, staring at Azazel- an unreadable expression pressed across his features, he of the few expressions Cas had ever seen on his brother's face- before turning around with a sigh.

"You know what I... don't like about you?"

Azazel frowned, confidence lost, "Sir?"

The blonde sighed, pulling out a gun with a straight arm as he turned around, "You're so... unoriginal."

His yellow eyes widened, "S-Sir?"

Lucifer chuckled, lowering the gun to his side, "You see you... workers, of mine. You're not- you're not... worth anything," Lucifer said calmly, clicking his tongue as he walked around the room.

Azazel said nothing, yellow eyes only staring at the taller pacing male before him.

"In fact," Lucifer drawled, "If I wanted to... I could have you killed, right now. Doesn't that amuse you?"

Azazel's eyes widened, as he stared at the man.

Lucifer clicked his tongue, "No, no I could understand why you wouldn't find that funny. Some people are just so serious about death these days." He frowned, and Castiel dared to raise his head, in order to better see his brother from behind dusty shelves.

"Which, personally, I don't understand- we all understand we're going to die, why does it become such a big deal when someone voices that opinion?" He frowned, and turned in his heels to face Azazel once more. "Do you think you're invincible?"

"N-no, sir."

"You know you could die at any moment, correct?"

He nodded, "Y-yes, sir."

"Then why does it bother you so much when I say this? Why are people so easy to disturb?" Lucifer said in a curious tone, "You see, my father, before he left- he was easy to disturb. He was a good man, I will admit it- and he did care for us all, that much I knew to my inner core- but the slightest events would set him off."

_When I was younger_

He clicked his tongue, "For example, when I was 14 and began dealing drugs- my dad was inconsolable. My little brother, Castiel, was upstairs actually- and my father began yelling for him, yelling at me, yelling at the school board, yelling at anything really. He also threw a plate at the stairs... But the point is, people are easy to upset."

_So much younger than_

Azazel nodded, though it was evident he was unsure where Lucifer was taking this conversation.

"No one knew any better than the lessons our father taught us, so no one in the household could help me- but you see, that's alright. I managed just fine on my own, Azazel," Lucifer said calmly.

_So much younger than today_

Lucifer stared at the yellow eyed man, "Aren't you glad I am such a calm person?"

_I never needed_

"Yes, sir."

Azazel's eyes widened as Lucifer pulled out his gun once more with a sigh, "See? So unoriginal."

_I never needed anybody's help in any way_

"Luckily, I am not one for unnecessary misplaced emotions," Lucifer's eyes darted to the silent brunette man for but a mere moment, before shooting him.

_Now_

Azazel's eyes widened once more as the body hit the ground, and Castiel remained silent from his position.

_But now these days are gone_

The blonde clicked his tongue, " _See_? _That_ was _reasonable_. He wasn't dedicated enough to this cause, didn't enjoy it or understand it as this cause requires, seemed like a risk to share such information with him."

_These days are gone_

Azazel's yellow eyes flicked from the body to Lucifer, nodding feebly at another attempt to stay in Lucifer's good graces.

_I'm not so self assured_

Lucifer sighed, "I am reasonable, and I stay calm- unlike my father did."

_I know I've found_

Azazel nodded as he brought men in to help him bag the body. Fortunately, Lucifer's gun had a silencer- it was required, what with the owner being Lucifer, the gun could see countless firings, or none at all.

_Now I find I've changed my mind and opened up the doors_

Lucifer smiled as the men opened he door to drag the bag out to the hall, "You see, we were too different to ever get along."

*

Castiel stumbled his way home, after waiting out killers, and watching blood be spilt, he walked back home, the only reward he had for his troubles being the knowledge his secret was still safe.

He didn't even know if the secret was worth it anymore, but he pushed that thought away, only thinking of his bed- and hoping his brothers were gone. Now that Cas knew more of Lucifer's extracurricular- well, actually, Lucifer hadn't attended school since he was 17 and dropped out so perhaps he should just say extra activities- Cas was even happier for the lack of days he was forced to share a room with Lucifer.

When Castiel's head hit the pillow, his brain flooded with memories of past secrets, before slowly slipping into his dreams.

*

Help me if you can

_The first bite of the razor against Castiel's skin is nipping, and brings the world into focus for the first time in days._

_He loves it._

_He loves it because, yes, he's seeing the world around him- but no one is trying to tell the 14 year old he's a good kid, and that they wish he would speak to them. No one was acting overly amiable to him, and no siblings were staring at him in confusion or glaring at him with annoyance, no one was touching him in ways he didn't want to be t- for once, Castiel was choosing his own punishment._

_And it was deserving, it was pathetic and sad and wrong and stupid and wasn't that just perfect?_

_A punishment that only reminds him more of himself! He was so stupid- he was so damn stupid! He was such a stupid, ugly, messed up, pathetic, waste of space. At least he had his razor to help him remember._

I'm feeling down

_The flesh of his calf was coated in sticky red, the blood having flowed all over- running down to his ankle, flesh and blood kissed the air, leaving a faint trail of metal to be tasted in the air. Small, thin slashes ran down one arm- but his legs were the true disaster. Ripped open skin poured out blood in light trails, slowly leaving his body, new wounds being slashed against his skin._

_The blade was sharp, quick- he was inexperienced when he first began, but he quickly picked up the easier way to cut flesh with every time he picked up the razor. It's cold, sharp, metal teeth bit into his skin and dug it's teeth into his flesh, dragging the skin across his arm by the edge until it left rivers of blood in it's wake._

_The pain felt so good; the cold metal soothed his hot, shaking skin the blood brightened his pale, lifeless skin- punishment made him beautiful. As he ran the razor up his keg once more, he looked down at the dark, jagged wording against his leg and slashed the razor down once more to deepen one of the cracked, bloody letters- glad this reminder would stay._

_Castiel could not forget, everyone knew he was disgusting- he would not allow himself to forget, and have them suffer alone- he would always remember._

_Everybody knew it- everyone knew Castiel was a dirty, bad, waste of space, and Anna was too kind to be honest with him- and Gabriel he- he and Michael were probably so happy to have work to go to, they knew he was a waste of space too! His only friend was a piece of metal he slid across his skin-_

And I do appreciate you being 'round

_So Castiel said what no one else would, what no one but the preacher would say, and he carved it into his skin- and as time passed he dug the word into his leg over and over, so he couldn't ignore it- so he would never forget how disgusting he was._

Help me get my feet back on the ground

_But of course, he wasn't here- thank goodness. Castiel shook his head, laying his head against his trembling knees. The preacher's.... punishments... hurt, and he didn't like them- they terrified him- but it was no more than he deserved! But maybe if- maybe if he punished himself, the preacher would stop punishing him- maybe he'd believe that to be enough._

_No, no that wouldn't work at all he was merely clinging to false hope- god, he was so stu-_

_He'd said god, he'd taken his name in vein. Castiel held back a cry, why did he always do this to himself?! If he wasn't so bad this wouldn't happen, if he wasn't so disgusting- Castiel sighed, before making another cut, he had no time to make himself appear forlorn, he had business to attend to._

Won't you

_This desperate need for attention which he possessed was disgusting, and Castiel felt such shame for possessing it- why couldn't he ever be normal? Why? Was that so hard for him?_

_Castiel had given up on attempting to be normal as other adolescents were, he did not try to make friends- though Meg was occasionally at his side, as she had yet to realize he was worthless and had no interest in speaking, let alone speaking with someone who used to be capable of making him so buoyant, no he couldn't afford to burden her any longer- he did not try and appeal to his siblings, Castiel had witnessed Anna's failed attempts with their siblings herself and he did not wish to restart this process._

Please

_Apparently Zachariah had arranged a meeting with a professional, Dr. Pamela Barnes, in surmise that Anna would speak of her dreams- something which had been causing the rest of the siblings considerable distress, though most was not formed by curiosity as Gabriel's was, rather anger and chagrined towards Anna as Naomi's was. It did not matter to him, Anna could disclose as much personal information as she wished, but Castiel would never have such intentions._

_Castiel knew Anna did not fear their family, whereas Castiel was determined to only ever aid them and otherwise go unnoticed, to be noticed was to be studied, and to be studied was to be ridiculed, and to be ridiculed was to be punished._

Please

_There was nothing in this world Castiel desired less than to be punished by others, he only wished to punish himself and be content with, to be happy with that alone. Because as the days had dragged on, and turned into weeks, to months- Castiel realized something, a hope he clung to that night when he worried of what Pamela's office would bring this week._

_Nothing made him feel more alive than death, and nothing made him feel more whole than cutting himself up- and as long as he held this bleak resolve, he would make it through. And as Castiel once more re-dug the word into his leg, another bead of blood rolled onto the bandaid, and Castiel smiled, and looked down at the word-_

_BAD._

Help me

*

_The preacher had found his cuts, he hadn't stopped when seeing the marks- he hadn't thought Castiel had already received his punishment._

_He laughed._

_The father laughed darkly eyes at the short, skinny 14 year old before him._

_"Oh Castiel," he said with a chuckle, "You are so_ desperate _to please those around you. When will you ever realize you are an eterna_ l _disappointment?"_

_Castiel looked at the church's floor, he hadn't really thought it would work- nothing if he ever did came out right, why should this? The preacher grabbed um by the throat, and threw him down on the ground- and as he would have thought after being raped three times, a fourth wouldn't upset him, but as he screamed and cried and struggled, begging for this to just end, for his life to just be happy again, he realized he was so wrong._

_He was so wrong._

_But shouldn't he be used to that by now?_

*

_When Castiel was 15, Anna found him lying on the bathroom floor, back against the wall, running his finger down his arm._

_His arm was covered in blood._

_Anna's eyes widened in fear, "Castiel!"_

Now

_She ran to her brother, gently resting his back against her as she rushed to sit down, "Castiel? Castiel?!"_

_911\. Did she have to call 911? 911- yes 911, 911. She had to call 911- she had to help her baby brother- oh what a great job she'd done so far- 911 911 she had to call 911-_

_"Anna," Castiel said softly, speaking for the first time all week- he rarely spoke more than that anymore, and if so, only to Anna._

And now my life has changed in oh so many ways

_Her brown eyes snapped to his face, "Yes? Yes, Castiel? I don't think you should move right now, Castiel- just, actually don't talk right now I'm- oh god," she took a deep breath, "I'm gonna call 911-"_

_His blank eyes flashed to life and it was a rare moment where Castiel spoke, "No! Anna, no! Don't call! I'm not dead, I'm not dead!" He held up his bloodied arm, "Look my veins- my veins aren't- I didn't even try- I didn't even try I'm okay!"_

My independence

_Cas shook his head, eyes casting down to the floor, "I'm okay. I was just bad."_

_Anna frowned, head tilting, "What, no- n-no no, no you weren't bad, Castiel. What are you talking about? You didn't do anything that would ever condone this kind of thing."_

_"No," he shook his head, "No I- no I didn't-" he sighed, "I'm so sorry."_

My independence seems to vanish in the haze

_"Hey, it's okay- I've said it before, Castiel, and I'll say it again- I'm not upset with you, no one's upset with you."_

_He said nothing, staring at the floor._

_Anna sighed, before smiling sadly, "Castiel, please don't shut me out. You barely say a word to anyone, and I've just barely started conversations with you again."_

_Castiel said no more, his strong silence returning yet again as he sighed, clasping his hands as he stared at the tiled floor._

But

_"Castiel, please, at least tell me-" she sighed, running a hand over her face, "please- what made you think you deserved something so awful?"_

_Silence._

_"Castiel, please, why? Why do you do this? You said you would stop, Castiel."_

_"Please, what happened?"_

_"I didn't get an A."_

_But every now_

_Her eyes widened, surprised she had actually received an answer. She frowned, "You- what?" She sighed, shaking her head, where had she been when her brother developed this mentality?_

_"I studied," he said weakly, "I studied so hard- the teacher said it was her hardest test of the year. So I studied, and I studied- I have to get an A+, or at least an A," he sighed, "I got an 89- I got a B+," he said defeatedly._

_Anna's eyes widened, "Castiel, I see you- you work so hard, and an 89 lis not a bad grade. I know it may seem that way to you, but really, you're smart, Castiel- really, really smart."_

_He shook his head._

Every now and then

_Anna nodded, and held her hand out in Castiel's viewpoint, before gently resting her hand on his._

_"Castiel, please- you can do this- we can do this. You're not alone here, Castiel- look, I'm always here for you. Literally I," she scoffed, "when you're in school, I'm in college, and when you're here I'm here. Honestly, I could probably use a life," she said with a smile._

_He smiled softly._

_"Castiel, it's us in this house- we've got each other's backs, so lease, for me- let me help you. Look, we don't have to talk if you don't want to, I'm happy that you talk to me at all. But, please- I know it'll be hard, I'm not saying it'll stop right away,- but, let me help you stop."_

And then I feel so insecure

_Castiel looked up, his blue eyes meeting Anna's brown, and nodded._

_Anna held out her hand, "Castiel, please, give me the razor- I'll help you, please, that's all I've been trying to do."_

_Castiel sighed, and handed Anna the razor, and she beamed, "Thank you, Castiel."_

_He looked at the ground, saying nothing as he nodded once more._

_Anna gently put her finger under his chin, "Hey," she said softly, blue eyes raising to look at her, "It's okay y'know, it's okay to need help- and it's okay to meet my eye_ , _there's nothing to be ashamed of."_

I know that I

_She smiled softly, "I won't tell anyone, just let me help- if you feel the need for this- please, talk to me, or- or at least try, I know it won't be easy but please, will you try?"_

_He nodded._

_"Castiel?"_

_His eyes hesitantly met hers, a silent intensity resting within the cerulean of his irises._

_"You know what the best part about trying something is?"_

_He shook his head._

_"You put a lot of effort into it, and hope for the best, but if you mess up- it's okay, don't be afraid to mess up, Castiel- okay? You can count on me to be there for you, whether this works or not."_

_Anna looked at her brother, an earnest love in her eyes he saw nowhere else, and after watching Anna try so hard for him as soon as she had discovered his cutting he thought maybe- just maybe he could try, he wouldn't succeed, but he could try._

I know that I just need you like I've never done before

*

_Castiel was 10, he had only been raped once- and he had no knowledge it was to happen five more times. What he did know is that he was terrified, and he needed to tell someone what was happening- it had taken him months to build up the courage, but he was finally ready- he could do this, he could do this, it was okay,he was strong enough-_

Help me if you can, I'm feeling down

_No, no he wasn't! He would be upset with him if he knew his own flesh and blood had done something so awful, and Meg would laugh at him if she ever found out, and nobody would like him anymore. Anna was who he should talk to, Anna was his favorite sister, and his favorite sibling at that- Gabriel was funny, but Anna always tried to okay with him if he asked, and she wasn't often upset with anyone._

_Castiel looked to his sister, but as he saw her sitting in the living room dark bags under eyes, books of her's strewn across the floor, Naomi yelling at her for something (for some reason, lately both Michael and Naomi had been acting rather strangely towards Anna) he decided this idea would not work out well. Anna wasn't an adult, and she was busy._

_"Michael," Castiel said softly, walking into the kitchen, "Why is Naomi yelling?"_

_Michael sighed, running his hand over his face, he'd been doing that more often lately. Castiel knew it was because of his father's disappearance, but whenever Castiel had asked when their father was returning home, he had only received glared from Naomi, and tired, unsure looks from the others- save Lucifer, who seemed to be leaving home earlier and earlier, and coming home later and later._

_"Because, Castiel.... Naomi is... upset," Michael said with a sigh._

And I do appreciate you being 'round

_Castiel nodded, before pulling up a stool, and scrambling to the top of it, sitting next to his older brother, "Michael... is Naomi upset with Anna? Or me? Or is it Gabriel? Sometime's she upset with Lucifer too," his eyes widened, "and even you."_

_Michael's brown eyes widened comically, "Even_ me _?"_

_Castiel nodded, head bobbing up and down, "Yeah, which is ridiculous because... well, you're you."_

Help me get my feet back on the ground

_Michael frowned, raising his eyebrows, "What's so strange about that?"_

_"Well, you're very..." His voice lowered and he ducked his head shyly, "nice, and helpful- everybody likes you."_

Won't you please

_Michael smiled, he opened his mouth to speak and went to ruffle Castiel's hair, but the boy sharply pulled back, before realizing what he had done and relaxing his body, "I am sorry."_

_"It's... It's okay, Castiel," he said with a frown, "I'm sorry if I've upset you somehow."_

Please

_The dark haired boy shook his small head, "No, you did not."_

_"You know, Castiel," Michael said softly, "there's nothing wrong with being you- you're so full of life, and warmth."_

Help me

_He frowned, "But- but there was a lady with the big boots and the ripped skirt, and you got really mad at me when I talked to her- and what about the two men with the little boy? You were unhappy, remember?"_

When I was younger so much younger than today

_Michael clicked his tongue, sighing, "Well, yeah, I remember- but that doesn't mean I don't care about you. Sometimes you have trouble listening, and that upsets me, rules are made to be followed, Castiel. But- but I still... care about you."_

_Castiel's smile was small, but it was there- growing up, Michael had been too busy trying to please his father and help out Lucifer to see very far past them, at times it seemed they were the only three people in this house, therefore he had never formed the best of relationships with some of his siblings._

I never needed anybody's help in any way

_Castiel being one of them, and the blonde had never made him smile before, and now, Michael wished he had spent more time with the little boy than arguing with Lucifer._

_"Castiel?"_

But

_His big blue eyes flicked up to meet his brown, "Yes?"_

_"If I had to be one other person in this house, do you know who I'd be?"_

_"Naomi?"_

But now these days are gone

_He chuckled, "No, try once more."_

_"Um..." The boy frowned, titling his head, "I don't know."_

_Michael smiled, "You."_

These days are gone

_His eyes widened, "Me? You'd be me? Why?"_

_"Because, you're so nice, and creative- you're hopeful and kind, Castiel you are one of the purest form of love I have ever seen," Michael felt a pang of regret as he thought Anna was as well, but intentional or not, Anna was surrounded by sin, and he was not to discuss her._

_Michael's eyes smiled softly, "You are a very good person to be."_

_Castiel's eyes widened even more, surprisingly, "I am?"_

I'm not so self assured

_He smiled gently, "Yes."_

_Castiel grinned back, ducking his head as he felt his cheeks heat up, but he smile slowly faded as he looked at Michael, brow furrowed slightly as he looked at his brother sadly, "Sometimes I wish I was dad."_

I know I've found

_Michael frowned, "Why?"_

_He sighed, sad blue eyes looking up at his brother, "Because then I would drive back home."_

_Michael ran a hand over his face, unsure of what to say, "Sometimes I wish I could be dad too, Castiel."_

Now I find I've changed my mind and opened up the doors

_Castiel nodded, "Michael, will you help me with my tie? Uncle Zachariah will be here soon."_

_"Of course, hopefully Lucifer will be home soon as well."_

*

The dreams wouldn't stop, the memories wouldn't stop replaying- screaming, crying, laughter, family, his father leaving, Naomi yelling, Michael's kind resolve to their father's disappear crumbling as work consumed him- his family, his world, falling apart, it wouldn't stop repeating in his head.

He needed to call someone, no, he needed to see someone- no, it was late at night, and he still didn't trust himself with a car.

Castiel sighed, and got out of his bed- it was a Saturday, he could walk over to Dean's. Of course, it could be early in the morning, it could be very late at night- he wasn't entirely sure, what with it being the end of February. Fortunately, Castiel was used to getting out of bed at night from past endeavors, and did not stumble over anything.

He left a slightly crumpled note on the kitchen, explaining he would be returning sometime that afternoon. As Castiel walked to Dean's apartment, he kept in mind to say nothing of his dreams- lest Dean discover what Castiel was hiding.

Truly he was beginning to regret his decision, but Dean's building was within view now, and if Castiek simply did not speak of himself, Dean would have no reason to know.

However, when Castiel reached the door, and knocked, the door was opened by a frowning Dean Winchester.

"We're not gonna do this," Dean said as he stepped aside, allowing Castiel inside, "we're not gonna pretend anymore that you're okay when we both know you're not."

Castiel sighed, "I believe the social normality would be to greet one another first."

"Yeah well, hi," Dean said grumpily, closing the door, "now what's going on with you?"

Cas frowned, "Dean, I am fine."

Dean threw his hands up in the air as they walked into the living room, "You know what Cas, I get not wanting to talk to me about stuff- but if you're gonna lie, at least do better job."

"So your issue does not truly rest with my emotional state, rather, you believe I am upset and cannot ignore it-" he clicked his tongue, "then I am sorry Dean, that I seem to be upset and you can no longer go about your life."

"That's not what I meant, and you know it," Dean grumbled, "you're just avoiding the subject- like you always do."

"What are you talking about?"

" _Damn it Cas_ , cut the bull shit! We both know something's bothering you- ya know I ask you one question and you close up, man, I don't mind if you're not always perfectly okay. I'm not mad at you for being uncomfortable with stuff, I'm worried! How can you not see that?"

"I don't know why you're worried, Dean, nothing's wrong-"

"You know what, I can't have this conversation with you- not when you're being so stubborn, you're always so stubborn."

Cas frowned, "As if you are not? Don't act as if you are so inconspicuous, Dean Winchester."

"You know what you- we always talk about me! I get that it took a while but I tell you everything, everything Cas! I'm not asking to swap gossip stories but when something big's going on- don't lie to me! I don't know what's going on with you and you won't even stop lying long enough to tell me!" Dean said angrily, looking at Cas with a frown, "this is getting ridiculous, Cas!"

"I am not being ridiculous Dean- I don't understand your need for their to be something wrong, do you revel in chaos? Do you need something to be wrong at all times?"

Dean glared, pointing at Cas, "No, don't you do that- don't you go and make me look stupid for being worried about you! I got a right to be worried and you know it. I'm so tired of you making me unsure and worried for you and then watchin' you block me out. I don't need to feel like crap for failing you, like I failed every other godforsaken thing I've cared about- I don't need it Cas, I don't need it!"

"You think this is... your fault? No, Dean- you are not to blame, but your need to help me is unnecessary."

"Cas," Dean looked at him sadly, "Cas, buddy, you gotta stop blockin' me out- let me help you."

His frown deepened, "Yes, you would like that, wouldn't you?"

He glared at Dean, "Then you can help fix me- then you can help heal the broken boy! Well I don't need you- I don't need you to fix me, Dean Winchester! You think I'm stuck in some horrendous world, and I can't take care of myself! Like I'm trapped in some awful place and it's your job to break me out, but it's not!"

"I'm tired of everyone being upset with me for not informing them of every trouble I meet in my life- if I were to trip over a rock would you have me tell you so you could scorn it for lying in my path?"

"Damn it, Cas," Dean said angrily, "that's not what I mean and you know it!" He sighed, "Why won't you ever talk to me?"

He stared at him, frowning, "What are you so damn afraid of?!"

'Simple, I told someone once- I'm not making the same mistake again,' Cas thought, saying nothing to Dean, only frowning.

"And I don't need you glaring at me! Quit making me feel bad for giving a damn about you! If your family was worried you'd let 'em be! You wouldn't give them crap! Hell, you never give them crap! You let them do whatever they want!"

Castiel frowned, grumbling, "Dean, you should know this argument will not bode well for you."

"Yeah, well I'm through giving a crap about what'll 'bode well for me' I'm not backtracking- you do whatever they want, Cas! But you lie to me all the time! You never tell me anything, but you bend over backwards for them even when it makes you miserable! I get loyalties, but you need to stand on your own two feet, grow a pair, and stand up to them! They call, you come- they jump, you say how high!"

Castiel glared at him, "What are you trying to tell me, Dean?" He said, dark, icy eyes daring him to further voice his opinions.

"You know exactly what I'm saying, Cas, quit being your family's bitch!" Dean shouted angrily.  
Cas was silent, before his glare deepened further, "At least my family wants me around," he spat, "you hypocritical _ass_."

Dean's frown faltered, "Yeah- well Cas," he said, clearing his throat, attempting to regain his anger, "we've had this argument before-"

"Yes," Castiel hissed, "it's a shame this one won't end in a kiss as well."

He turned on his heel, and walked out, slamming the door behind him.

*

_'You lie to me all the time!'_

_'Why won't you ever talk to me?'_

_'What are you so damn afraid of?!'_

Cas turned in his bed, Dean's words echoing in his head as he slept.

Help me if you can, I'm feeling down

_Castiel was 10, that same morning, and he was ready to tell- he was here, and Castiel was nervous to speak with him when he was clearly older than Castiel, but after speaking with Michael, Castiel realized he was busy as well._

And I do appreciate you being round

_He would never speak with Naomi of this, nor Gabriel, both too serious or not serious enough- he could lay this on neither of their shoulders. With Anna busy, Naomi and Gabriel not being an option, and Michael stressed, there was only one other person he could tell- though he was gone more than anyone else and he was older than him, but Castiel had no one else he could tell._

Help me, get my feet back on the ground

_At least he finally had someone he could speak with, someone he could trust._

Won't you please

_"So, um... it was only.... once, but I- but I w-wanted to tell someone and you- you seemed the best idea," Castiel said nervously._

Please

_"What exactly does he do?" He asked._

Help me

_Castiel felt his cheeks darken, "Um, he- he touched me... and... and..." He wiped his eyes, "he wouldn't- he wouldn't stop."_

Help me

_He smiled softly, "I'm glad you came to me, Castiel. We wouldn't want anyone else knowing what a disgusting situation you put yourself in. But you see, I actually think this keeps you in your place... Maybe we should let this continue..."_

Help me

_Castiel paled, "W-what?"_

_"You see," Zachariah grinned, "I already knew."_

Ooooh

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Some people may be frustrated Dean doesn't know yet, but this chapter was really important for background information, and was necessary.  
> Dean WILL find out- soon! Don't feel like I'm dragging you along, because invested already written the scene. I just didn't have enough room in this chapter. 
> 
> Reviews would really be appreciated!


	24. Oh!Darling

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cas and Dean both regret what they said, Cas meets with Crowley, Sam and Dean talk, Cas sneaks into Lucifer's building once more, Cas tells Dean something.
> 
> WARNINGS: A general load of violence, talks of kidnapping, graphic non-consensual scenes, murder.

The cold night air forced Castiel to notice something other than the hole in his chest as he walked home, feeling defeated after his argument with Dean. He had shouted gibes which were nothing short of despicable, Dean did not deserve such cruelty.

Why had he been so harsh?

Dean was only trying to help, and as always, he had pushed Dean away. Castiel had called Dean an ass, and told Dean his family didn't want him around, and that he didn't need Dean- he had heeled at him the things he knew would hurt most.

Castiel normally was quite a calm person, but what Dean had said had made him so angry- he had simply lashed out. It wouldn't have happened if Dean had just left it alone- but perhaps if he would speak with Dean more often. It was just...

He sighed, he needed to stop thinking about Dean. He needed something to distract him, he needed do something productive, he needed to find Crowley- he needed to work.

*

"So..." Crowley drawled out, looking up from his desk, "Lilith's loyalties are... divided, at best."

"It would seem so, yes- she is discussing and reporting your motives with and to Lucifer," Castiel said with a frown, walking around the desk in order to stand next to Crowley.

He sighed, "Well, it is to be expected- after all, she was originally my boss. Though I suppose I should be pleased with the results I did manage to receive, what with that bitch Meg Masters-"

Cas shoved Crowley's chair backwards, watching the man and his chair fall backwards before grabbing the edge of the chair, stopping it just before Crowley fell to the ground. Cas glared at the man, and slowly brought the chair up, leaning in towards the chair, glaring at the short man before him.

"I may be helping you," Cas growled, resting the chair on the floor, "but you will not speak of a Meg Masters in a such way when I am present, regardless of my position."

Crowley chuckled, "Cas, and here I thought you were crushing on Dean."

"Yes, well, while I admire your... heedful tendencies- I do not appreciate you insulting my friend," Cas said with a glare, pulling his hand back from the chair.

Crowley frowned, and grabbed his hand, examining it. Castiel's eyebrows drew together, and he frowned, attempting to pull his hand back, "Crowley, what are you doing?"

The other man turned his wrist over, still frowning at Castiel's wrist, running his thumb over two light lines of darkened skin, "This is a nice little mark," he smirked, "where are the rest?"

Cas frowned, ripping his hand from Crowley's grasp, "That is not what I came to inform you of."

Crowley clicked his tongue, "Touchy, just a question, mate."

"You are not my friend, and I was merely answering, Crowley."

"It does make me wonder though, where are the rest of the marks? I'm sure there were countless others." Crowley sighed, "Did they fade away?" He clicked his tongue, "Shame. I would have liked to see them."

His glare deepened, "I would not show you them, Crowley."

"Why'd you stop cutting- where'd you cut, Cas?" Crowley asked, looking at him with a smirk, "Your stomach? Your legs?"

Cas said nothing, and Crowley sighed, "Yes, well, I suppose only one man would know for certain. Shame, I would have liked to see them."

Cas looked at the ground, blushing profusely. It was easy for Crowley because he had no idea what he was speaking about. Crowley had never been a dirty, bad, disgusting piece of trash that was ripped apart by a man he had originally wanted to be just like when he grew up.

"Oh, you take everything so personally, would it make you feel better to know I've done bad things too?" Crowley raised his eyebrows, "Hm?"

"I don't care, Crowley."

"Always so cold, believe it or not when I spoke with you months ago and said I liked you, I was being truthful to an extent. I prefer you over any of your other annoying siblings, so why are you always so cruel to me? Hm? Here, we'll bond- I was a bit of a junkie when I was 15." He raised his eyebrows once more, "Now do you feel better?"

"I am not here to speak with you about this, what would you have me commence next, Crowley?"

"If we're being honest with each other, what you're doing now will suffice. Go see Lucifer, report back to me- as you have been."

Cas nodded, silent in his abhorrence of this job.

Crowley sighed, before smiling mockingly, "You know Cas, we usually meet up at school- what made you so desperate you would actually use the address I gave you?"

Cas said nothing, walking towards the door.

Crowley smirked, "Trouble in paradise?"

Cas looked back at Crowley, glaring before slamming the door behind himself, walking out into the night.

*

"Damn it," Dean muttered, "C'mon Cas, answer the damn phone!"

_Oh!Darling_

Cas and Dean hadn't spoken since last night, and the days before their argument had been shaky at best- Dean knew he needed to apologize. Yeah, Cas was being a dick but- but he probably hadn't said the best stuff either.

It's just- if Cas would just trust him! Let him help out once in a while! What Cas had said stung, and Dean got that he was upset but- he needed to talk to him. What if he had gotten sick walking home? It was March 1st, but it was still chilly- he didn't want him getting sick.

And he... Dean had this... feeling. This... worry, inside of him- something was eating away at him, something was wrong. Dean had a nagging doubt in the pit of his stomach, the way he felt when Andrew Gallagher, Ava Wilson, and Lily Baker began hanging out with the wrong crowd- the way he felt when Benny Lafite went back to his cult like family after a fight- the strange unease he felt when Adam Milligan told him he was taking a short cut down an alley to get home.

The way he had picked up on, the instinct he had begun to rely upon when his dad took him to help him out on a case. Something was wrong with Cas, Dean didn't know how he knew but he knew- he just did.

_Please believe me_

If he would just answer his damn phone! Dean sighed, he'd tried calling Cas last night, and how today, but he wouldn't answer. Cas probably didn't trust him.

He just wanted Cas to trust him, and to be happy- he wanted Cas to be happy with him, and yeah that was a stupid thing to say but he didn't really care! Dean wanted Cas like he'd never wanted anything else, they'd known each other for... wow, it'd only been since August- wow, 8 months, and it felt like yesterday.

Really, that wasn't that long a time in the grand scheme of things- and yet, now he couldn't picture his life without Cas. Wow, that was a stupid thing to think, after the crap he and Cas had said, the guy was probably pissed at him and wouldn't want to talk to him. God, he needed to find him.

Maybe, maybe he was just being paranoid- it'd happened occasionally, he'd casually text Cas, while secretly being nervous something bad was happening him, and Cas would turn out to be just fine. But.. no this, this nagging feeling told him skmething

Dean sighed, and redial the number, "C'mon Cas, c'mon...."

"Hello-"

"Cas," Dean said with a breath, "Look I need to apol-"

"Is Castiel, um... Uh, I'm not here, I guess- so... Leave a message bye, or uh- I suppose the voicemail doesn't require a parting message, so, um... farewell."

He sighed, shaking his head, chuckling despite himself, "Damn it."

Dean wiped his eyes.

Where was Cas?

His short laughter ended abruptly, he ran his hand over his face before slamming the counter, "Damn it!"

_I'll never do you no harm_

Dean hit a plate lying on the counter, yelling as it smashed against the floor, "Damn it! Damn it damn it damn it damn it!"

Cas always answered his phone, or he texted saying he was busy and he was 'really sorry but he would contact Dean later', he was always so apologetic he was always so damn apologetic! Damn it, is- is! He is always so apologetic! Dean was going to find him, he was and everything would be okay and there was no reason for him to thank anything bad would hurt Cas!

Cas was fine. Dean just had to contact him, and then everything would be okay- then everything would be okay, he could hold Cas, and kiss him, and say he was sorry, and everything would be okay. Dean had made a promise to himself a few months that he wouldn't screw this up, he wouldn't screw things up between him and Cas, and he intended to keep that promise.

*

_Believe me when I tell you_

Cas sighed, stuffing his hands into the pockets of his trench coat as he followed Lucifer. The crowd hid Castiel from his brother, who had no reason to thunk Castiel would follow him- which lead him to think Lucifer would not suspect him. Something positive was happening to him, for once.

_I'll never do you no harm_

Other than Dean.

And Anna.

And Meg.

And Sam.

And Jo and Charlie and Jess and Ash and Gabriel and anyone else who'd ever been kind to him.

_Oh!Darling_

Did those people not count? Were they not positives?

Wow, he really was one selfish abomination, wasn't he? Or was he? What did Castiel know of being right- perhaps he was, perhaps he wasn't. He was so confused anymore, he was strewn between panicking over being right and accepting he was wrong, and being angry at his mistreatment, and not caring. Truly Castiel didn't know what to think.

But this was why he was working. So he didn't have to think about any of those situations, so for once he could distract himself. Of course, most teenagers would probably read to distract themselves, or listen to music- but Castiel knew those escapes were only temporary.

Lying, disappointing, doing things he did not truly wish to- this was what he was it was his job, his punishment.

His life.

_If you leave me_

This was what he was to do with his life, he had tried to be happy, he had tried to build a better life for himself. But now he had accepted this was his life- lying to people, arguing with hose he cared for, sneaking around, questioning his motives, his morals, what was right, what was wrong, if he was right, if he was wrong. That was his life.

And there was no Dean Winchester to make the days shine brighter in this life. Empty as it made him feel, this was his true life. Not a life with Dean.

_I'll never make it alone_

This was where he and Lucifer separated, and one of Crowley's men snuck Castiel into the building. Apparently it paid to have rats in a gang, as Crowley had said.

_'Even in my own little group, then I can make an example of someone.'_

Cas shook his head at the thought, wishing Crowley's words did not ring so loudly in his mind. Could he not have peace?

At least, as much peace as someone could have hidden in a dusty closet listening in on his brother's violent gang.

_Believe me when I thank you_

As frustrating as working with Crowley was, at least he had enjoyed his time away from him. He could never thank Dean enough for the happiness he had given him, doing his best to distract Castiel from the miserable life he had made for himself.

_oooo_

The life he would now live alone.

_Don't ever leave me alone_

*

An hour later Sam came home from Jessica's, to find Dean frustratedly running his hands over his face at the kitchen table, angrily talking to himself as he laid out numerous phones and numbers. Sam looked not far from his brother and saw the shattered glass bowl on the floor.

"Dean? What are you doing?"

"Looking for Cas," Dean said gruffly as he flipped through a yearbook and yellow pages, looking for a particular student.

Sam frowned, walking over to the shaky, old table, "Is he- he's missing then? But we just- we saw him on Friday at school how did- did Anna tell you this?"

"I talked to Anna," Dean said gruffly, "Cas was over here last night, we got in a fight, he left upset- I haven't heard from him since, and I called him and sent him a text- but he didn't answer and I called the house phone to see if he would answer but Anna said he never came home, she thought he was here."

_When you told me_

"Damnit, Sam," Dean said guiltily, running a hand over his face, "I just yelled at him! Cas said he didn't need my help- he left and anything could have happened to him! I just-" he sighed, "I gotta get him back. I just... I don't know I have this feeling that something's wrong."

_You didn't need me anymore_

Sam looked at Dean with concern, resting his hand on his older brother's shoulder, "Hey," he said softly.

_Well you know I nearly broke down and cried_

Dean looked up, nervous green eyes snapping to meet brown.

"It's okay, Dean," he said calmly, "it's okay. I'm sure Cas is okay, we'll find him."

_When you told me_

Dean nodded, "Right, right- you're right it's- it's fine." He sighed, "Sorry, I'm fine- I should relax, I just- we don't fight, I mean we have disagreements and we almost had a fight a few months ago, but," he sighed, "I don't know- maybe the reason we fought is because we never talked before. I mean, it took us two months for us to even admit we... that we had a thing!"

_You didn't need me anymore_

Sam raised his eyebrows, "... A thing?"

Dean sighed, waving his hand as he spoke, "Y'know, the whole- attraction thing," he said with a frown, "and- and um, the feelings and... stuff."

Sam chuckled, "Okay, I'll take that."

Dean nodded, looking down at the old table, "Yeah, okay."

_Well you know I nearly broke down and died_

"Dean," Sam said, staring at his older brother, "It's okay, we'll find Cas."

Dean nodded, before returning to his books.

Sam frowned, and looked away, nodding to himself. He would say he was worried about Dean's judgement, but with all the people Dean had seen die- he probably had the best judgement to go on. That or Bobby, hell, Sam'd heard enough about the Lilly Anders case to last a lifetime.

The young blonde girl who disappeared without a trace, Bobby had gone off about her case so many times- how they never found her, she was a nice girl, looked for her for months and never found her. Bobby was not to be counted out of experienced men, he had seen his fair share of blood.

As much death as Sam had seen, Bobby had seen more.

Which was saying something.

"Sam it's been over 21 hours, the most critical are the first three."

"Should we set up AMBER Alert?"

Sam had bit his lip, "Have you tried Meg?"

Dean frowned, "What? Of course I tried Meg! Sammy I need your help!"

Sam nodded, "I know, I know- I'm just trying to think of other places we could call."

Dean had dealt with too many kidnappings- once, he had dated a girl named Lisa and months after their 'fling' the teenager had called Dean, begging for his help because her son Ben had gone missing. John helped out on the case and they found a lot of children.

And some of them were dead bodies.

Dean had mostly hidden Sam, saying ten was too young- their father had simply looked at his children, and back to the bodies of other's, not knowing what to say. Sam knew his brother, and he knew of Dean's multiple experiences of his own kidnapping, so he didn't blame him for being worried.

Sam looked at his brother before striding back to the table, "We'll think of something."

*

The plan for this night was to learn as much as possible about the different members of Lucifer's gang, obviously excluding the pierced man that worked for Crowley. Crowley seemed pleased with him, and apparently he had been working this plan for two years now, but it was always better to have an extra pair of ears on the job, so here Castiel was, hiding behind dust and wood and broken furniture and ashes, listening in on Lucifer and his workers.

Crowley had been discussing breaking in actually, which Castiel thought was rather courageous, albeit arrogant- but that was Crowley. Apparently Crowley now felt he possessed enough partners and employees- or, gang member whatever the term was- to break into Lucifer's building.

"They call it the colt, nice gun it is- silent, leaves a huge mark. I think it'd help add to your statement if you used it, sir," Azazel said, looking up at Lucifer.

Lucifer was currently looking over the gun, "Hm, yes, very nice. Azazel, we will continue this discussion shortly, there was a group of teenagers downtown who haven't yet paid for their cocaine."

Azazel frowned, "You're leaving to meet with... teenagers, sir?"

Lucifer looked at him calmly, "Yes, if I go down to see them- do you think they will ever be late on their payments again? Because I don't. Also, I have business down in the city, Fergus' power is growing."

He chuckled, "I suppose I underestimated the measly drug dealer."

"What will you be discussing, sir?" Azazel said, yellow eyes staring into blue, "If... I am allowed to ask, of course."

Lucifer smiled, clicking a small revolver, "Oh, I'm afraid we won't have time for any lengthy discussions, Azazel. I forgot to wait for my friend to invite me over, but, ah well- I enjoy surprises."

He shrugged, opening the door, "So... more fun for me, I suppose."

Azazel nodded.

"Don't be afraid my child," Lucifer said with a stare, "I only ever do what is necessary."

Azazel nodded once more, "Of course, sir."

The door closed behind him, and Azazel followed shortly, leaving Castiel alone in the room. Cas moved backwards in the clutter behind the wall so as not to be seen, and pulled out Crowley's phone from his trench coat's pocket-'his real phone was in his pant's pocket, turned off. Crowley had given him this phone to discuss deals and information, and Castiel would not dare message him, if it were not for the information being so important.

'Lucifer is coming for you, he has a gun, I do not know if this is a group effort, but I am inclined to believe it is not. I believe Azazel posses a weapon known as "the colt". Be careful.'  
5:57

He dropped his phone. Shit, shit he dropped his phone- no, it was okay, no one was in here. Surely no one could hear it from outside? No, Castiel was being ridiculous. He would be fine.

He was only hiding in a gang's house led by his emotionless brother who had no loyalty for anyone and of course no one knew Cas was here but Crowley's creepy henchman and Crowley himself.

Of course, he would be fine.

Shots.

**BANG!**

Shots were being fired.

This wasn't the first time this had happened- but the sound of these bullets impaling the wall was closer to Castiel than he was comfortable with. He'd like to entertain the idea that his tolerance for bullets had grown over the past weeks. If nothing else that was an accomplishment, yes?

"Hehe, do it again," a man laughed,walking into the room.

"Again?" A nasally voice said.

"Yeah, yeah, again," two men said. "We're bored-"

"Yeah, the boss never let's anyone bring their shit around here, gotta be sober for the jobs, and can't be distracted by any bitches either," said a fifth man.

"Yeah, and yellow eyes left the gun here- so see if it really leaves that big a hole."

Azazel had left the gun.

Azazel had left the gun, oh no, they were firing at the wall- Cas closed his eyes, praying he would not be discovered.

**BANG!**

A bullet smashed into the wall beside him, breaking furniture around him. The bang bounced around in his head, the sound of shattering glass resounding in his ringing ears. It was certainly a powerful weapon.

**BANG!**

The wood of the wall next to him shattered, the force throwing him back. The casing of the wall was weak and dirty, dusty and old, the bullets causing parts of the wall to fall. Castiel covered his mouth, paying no one would see him.

The wall continued to fall, and men stared at him, before glaring, walking forward, some staring at him hungrily.

Castiel's eyes widened, oh no.

When were his prayers ever answered?

*

"Dean, Jess says she doesn't know- and Jo, Charlie, and Ash haven't seen him either," Sam said, looking at his brother.

"I gotta a bad feeling Sam," Dean said, "but luckily, I also got a call."

"What? Where? From who?"

Dean grabbed the keys, running to the car, jumping in, "I wish I knew more- come on, hurry Sam!"

*

Six. There were six of them.

They had aggressively pulled his screaming body forward, throwing him against the old floor with dirty grins that made Castiel sick to his stomach.

"Stop!" Cas yelled as a stout man tore his shirt off, terror ripping Castiel's voice from his throat as hands grabbed him and pushed him against the floor.

God no, god no, god no- please dear god not this, he would rather die than suffer this again. He didn't want these men to touch him, break him, he didn't want their touches. His skin crawled as they ran fingers over shaking skin.

"Stop!" He desperately screamed as a skinny man held his hands down, "Pl-h-hease! _Please_ \- Please stop!"

They laughed as Cas thrashed against them, screaming violently.

"Here I thought, we wouldn't have any fun tonight," one of the men laughed, "and there was a bitch right under our noses!"

'Not again not again not again not again- please, please not again!' Cas thought. 'Anything but this! Anything!'

The terror spread through every inch of him, he felt sick to his stomach, he was going to throw up all over himself and they were going to laugh at him even more and god this was so humiliating please stop please stop please stop please stop-

" _Please_!" He cried out as one of the man ripped his underwear off, tears running down his cheeks as he screamed, "Please I'll do _anything_! Pl- Please- please! Don't do this, don't do this!"

The stout one slapped him with a beefy hand, "Shutup!"

The skinny one laughed, digging his grubby nails into Castiel's hands- he whimpered, body shaking as another man unbuttoned his shirt, dirty fingers trailing down his cold, shaking chest. Why? Why, why did he have to listen to Crowley? Why did he have to keep his secret? Why did he have to be bad?

Damn it, _why_?! Why did he do this to himself?! It wasn't these men, it wasn't their fault, it was his- he was unsure before, but now Castiel knew- he knew it was his fault. No, no- maybe that wasn't it, maybe he didn't deserve this, maybe he did.

There was only one thing Castiel knew for sure, he was being punished again.

But he still didn't want it.

He still cried and screamed as they ripped his belt off, causing his small hips to raise off the ground before rough hands slammed them back against the old, splintered wood. For once Cas wished he could see Lucifer, he wished he could see Dean, Anna, Gabriel, Zachariah, Crowley, anyone! He would give anything, anything to get out of this.

" _Please_ ," Castiel whispered desperately, "please don't do this..."

He grabbed Cas roughly by the shoulders, pulling half of his body up from the cold, dirty wooden floor, "I said shut up!" He screamed, roughly slamming him back against the ground.

Cas' sobs became louder before he placed a shaking hand over his mouth, he didn't want to be punished, he wanted to listen- he wanted to be good. He didn't want them to hurt him, oh but they were going to- they were going to hurt him! They were all going to hurt him and laugh at him all because he was bad and he didn't deserve anything and-

The stout one started pulling down his trousers, ripping them off his body, before hungrily grabbing his underwear.

"Hey, hey- I wanna go first!" The man who had his hands said, "you're getting all the fun! Save some of that for me!"

The man smirked, before slowly taking off his own pants, "Get creative."

The skinny one smirked from above him, still holding his hands as he brought himself closer to Castiel's face, to the point where the man was breathing over him.

He grinned, a sight that made Castiel's skin crawl, before bringing his mouth next to Cas' ear. The skinny man's grin grew, and he stuck his tongue out, slowly licking Castiel's ear, leading his hairy, sticky, wet tongue up Cas' ear, laughing when Cas began to cry again.

"Will someone shut him up?!" The stout one said as he unbuckled his mouth.

"Aw, com'on, I kinda like it," a third man said with his shaky, nasally voice.

"Well, I don't."

"I don't like it either," said a fourth, blonde man, "Gag him or something."

The third one smirked, "Or something."

A fifth man stepped over Castiel- he was covered in piercings, and the ring in his lip pulled up when he grinned down at Castiel, unbuttoning his pants as Cas tried to pull back once more, beyond terrified of what he knew was about to happen.

"I'll be quiet I'll- I'll be quiet!" Castiel said desperately, staringnup at the man with tears in his eyes, "please please please I'll be quiet I'll be quiet I won't say a word. Pl-please- please- please don't gag me."

The fifth man grinned, pulling himself out from his jeans, "trust me, you'll enjoy this gag."

The stout man grinned from lower down Castiel, taking his underwear off. Castiel saw him through the pierced man's legs, and held in a sob, hoping the man would change his mind if he was quiet- they were taking him, they were all going to touch him and lick him and come inside him, his shuddering became worse.

The sixth man, a tall bald man with cold eyes, sighed, shoving Castiel back against the ground in an attempt to still the boy's shaking.

Castiel eyes widened, he hadn't recognized his face in the dimly lit room, but now closer he could see, it was Crowley's man.

"B-b-b-b-but you- pl-pl-please you- you c- _can't_ -"

The man kissed him roughly, biting his tongue before pulling away-

The preacher had never kissed him.

No one had ever kissed Castiel without his consent.

It was the one thing he had left.

Now that right had been stolen as well.

"What? I can't have a little fun on the side?" The pierced man said with a smirk.

Crowley's man chuckled at Castiel's obvious terror, tears rolling down the boy's cheeks as he continued to shake.

The man sighed, "Would you hurry it up? I want a turn too y'know."

No one was looking out for him, not even the man who worked with Crowley, even though they had the same purpose- he would still- he would still- he would still hurt him. He would hurt him and then happily go report back to Crowley. Crowley would never know.

_Oh!Darling_

None of these men would spare him.

_If you leave me_

Dean was gone, Anna and Gabriel were gone- Naomi, Michael, no one was here- not even Lucifer was here. No one would save him, he would be hurt- again, again someone would hurt him and make him cry and scream. His body shook with quieted, hopeless sobs- why- why did he always have to be bad?

_I'll never make it alone_

The stout man clicked his tongue as he opened Castiel's shaking legs, shoving them back when Castiel tried to slowly bring his legs closer together, ashamed of being so exposed.

He grinned, spreading Castiel's cheeks apart.

_Believe me when I tell you_

Castiel forgot he didn't want to be gagged, he forgot he was supposed to be quiet, he forgot he wasn't to make a sound as he screamed bloody murder, "No! Please! Please! Please please st-stop! Please please I'll never come back! I'll never please- _please stop_! Please don't-"

**Slap!**

I'll never do you no harm

The pain of being hit a second time silenced Castiel's pleas.

_Believe me darling_

"Y'know, we know you're the boss' brother- and kid he's named after the devil, so what does that make you? The innocent angel?" The stout one said with a smirk.

_When you told me_

The blonde laughed, "Not for long."

Castiel bit back a sob.

_You didn't need me anymore_

No one was coming, Cas thought, as the skinny man licked his ear. No one would help him, he thought, as the blonde ripped his nails through Castiel's head, pulling dark hairs out with laughter. He was alone, he thought, as the heavier man lined himself up.

_Well you know I nearly broke down and cried_

This was his life, he thought, as two other men grinned at him, gleefully each holding a side of him down as they waited their own turn. Castiel looked around desperately for some unseen escape, crying as he looked back down to the man, who was pulling back-

_When you told me_

The door opened and Castiel threw himself forward with all the desperate strength he possessed, surprising his restrainers, though he was no match for six strong, older men. Castiel stared at the man for a moment before shouting.

_You didn't need me anymore_

It was Lucifer.

_Well you know I nearly broke down and died_

" _LUCIFER_!" Castiel screamed desperately, tears pouring as he pushed against the men, "Lucifer, please! Please! Pl-pl-please don't let them _do this to me_! Don't leave me! D-don't go- don't go! _Please_!"

Lucifer frowned, blue eyes looking down at the sobbing, restrained teenager.

He sighed, "Why is he here?" His frown deepened, "Did you take him?"

"No, no sir," men called out, holding Castiel, but not having made a move other than that since Lucifer walked in.

"He was hidin'!" The nasally voiced man said, "Behind some books 'nd shelves- hidin' in da back! We found 'im- we-we found 'im for ya, sir."

Lucifer nodded to the man, "So you did." His stare returned to his baby brother, "Do any of you have any idea how long he has been here?"

"Not long, not long, Lucifer!" Castiel shouted insistently, "I swear I swear! Please! Pl-please, have them let me go!"

Crowley's man spoke up, "I think he's been coming here for a few weeks now, Lucifer. Angel boy said something about Lilith's loyalties, some shit you and Azazel were talking about, I think."

"I can assure you," Lucifer said with a cool stare, "it was not shit, I killed a man- very important, if you don't watch your tone I may be forced to repeat my actions."

The man nodded, "Y-yes, sir."

Lucifer frowned as he crossed the dark, dusty room, walking over, standing in front of his shaking brother, "And why would you need to know such information, Castiel? What could it possibly reward you with?"

Cas said nothing, only staring at Lucifer, shaking nervously as he did so.

Lucifer sighed, "Now is not the time for silence, Castiel."

"Might've been Crowley," The pierced man- Crowley's worker- said, "maybe the kid had some form of vengeance against you, sir."

Lucifer smiled, "That does sound like a Castiel thing to do." He shook his head, "Always fighting so hard to be good, hating me- I have to say brother, things are not looking up for you."

Castiel's blue eyes pleaded with his brother, tears silently falling as blue eyes met blue.

Lucifer sighed, "And somehow- yet again- I'm made to look like the bad guy. You're the one who snuck in, you're the one who lied to me- why should I be blamed for what you do? It certainly isn't my fault you're in this situation."

He clicked his tongue, "Sure, perhaps I've twisted a few people here and there- maybe my drug dealers have helped lead naive children to their deaths. I know, I've made some mistakes. But I was always punished for them," he said with a frown, glaring at Castiel.

"You have always been taken care of, Castiel- Anna and Gabriel have taken care of you for so many years, you never saw our father's anger the way I did."

"Why? Because Anna and Gabriel ran off with you, hid you in the attic and distracted you and made you smile- you laughed while in another room I was punished. "

Lucifer frowned, staring at his little brother, "Don't you see, Castiel? They will always protect you. Naomi perhaps was too cold to do so, and Michael always kept himself busy- but for how long, how long did they take you somewhere else as a child? How often did they bug you to go outside, and then they played with you?"

Lucifer looked down at the naked boy, who merely stared back, as he thought of all the times Gabriel had complained he never helped him play tricks, 'Come on Cassie, let's go down to the store and buy some' how many times Anna had said he need not be so shy 'Castiel, come on, I'll walk you down to the park'.

He raised his eyebrows, "Do you see now? They've been protecting you the best they know how, all these years- Anna especially has always been at your side, keeping on an eye on you, encouraging you, making you happy."

The man leaned in closer to his brother, standing the duration of the time, "She would surely _die_ for you."

He frowned, "And no one would lift a _finger_ for _me_."

"And I have become the blame for anything which could go wrong in that godforsaken house, why do you think I am never home? I know I am not welcome, and I have more important business here than in a house I never fit into, a family I never fit in with. Father yelled at me, he would kick me out, and Michael-"

Lucifer chuckled, "Michael would be too worried of upsetting father to argue for me."

Lucifer shook his head as he walked around the small, dusty room, "Now, you might say I brought it upon myself- first there were the drugs, then there was the children, but that wasn't my fault, Castiel. Those children wanted me, they came willingly to me-" he rolled his eyes shaking his head, "okay, well, I so that's a slight exaggeration. Occasionally I took a child or two."

He walked towards Castiel, smiling as he calmly spoke, "I remember your friend, Meg, was it?"

Castiel's silent stare formed into a glare.

He chuckled as he stood before his brother, "The cute girl with the curly dark hair? She was... what, 13? Yes, she would have made a lovely child, she would have fit in so _well_ here, she certainly enjoyed my presence enough. I suppose you would call it a childhood crush, I mean, she even allowed me to call her my child."

Lucifer smiled, "she would have done anything I asked her, I know she would have." His smile dispersed as he refocused on his brother, looking down at the glaring teenager, "but you wouldn't let me have her, would you Castiel?"

"You wouldn't let me have Sam, either- I had barely said hello to the boy before you were pushing me away," he shook his head, "I didn't even get the chance to see Dean, that was quite rude of you, Castiel."

Lucifer shook his head, lowering himself to Castiel's level. The men looked at Lucifer, their eyes widening as the man knelt in front of Castiel.

He sighed, "Castiel, always I have tried to be fair with you-" he smiled at the restrained boy, before sighing, "Perhaps I have laughed at you, but who hasn't in our family? In general, I left you alone- I dealt drugs and... borrowed children, but I left you alone."

'I didn't have a choice I didn't have a choice, I had to follow you,' Castiel thought as he stared at his brother.

"It seems someone will have to teach you a lesson, as I have done my best to leave you alone- but you will not have it. Truly, _truly_ I regret this, but I cannot cut you any more slack."

He sighed, "I am sorry, but I must leave you here."

Lucifer smiled sadly, before turning away- Castiel's eyes widened. Lucifer was going to leave him here, he was going to leave him- he was going to leave him because he had been bad, wasn't that lovely? No no no no no no- no he couldn't leave him- he couldn't leave him!

No he was going to be left to be _pulled on_ and _licked_ and _pushed_ and _fucked into_ and everyone was going to use him, Lucifer would leave to kill children and Castiel- Castiel would sit here and be _raped_ and no one would care and he would be all alone and no one would care no one would care-

" _LUCIFER_!" Castiel screamed, "Please- please don't leave me! I- I had to- I had to! You don't understand!" He sobbed, body shaking as he pleaded with his brother, "Please don't leave me!"

The men laughed, and pushed the crying boy down.

The pierced one shushed him, laughing, "Don't worry, you'll enjoy it."

Lucifer looked back at him, holding the door open, he stared at him with an emotionless expression, "I am sorry little brother."

Tears streamed down Castiel's cheeks, Lucifer wouldn't leave him, he couldn't, they were brothers. He was just kidding, Lucifer had a twisted sense of humor he was just kidding he wouldn't leave him he wouldn't leave him- he wouldn't!

"Lucifer no- n- no _please_ \- please don't leave me- I'm _sorry!_ " Cas cried, all thoughts of discontentment with Lucifer vanished, not this, anything but this," "I'm _sorry_! Please please don't leave me here! _Pl-h-hease_! I was just- it wasn't my _f-h-hault_! I didn't mean- I'm _sorry_! I didn't mean to not be there for you! I'm sorry I had to follow you please don't leave! I wasn't trying to hurt you! When I was little I-"

His brother closed the door behind him-

He left.

He left.

"No no no no Lucifer- Lucifer _come back_!" Castiel sobbed, pulling against the men "Please don't leave me here! Please don't leave me here!"

*

Castiel's loud sobs were met by the laughter of the men around him, they were laughing at him- of course they were, he was so pathetic.

The man smirked down at the trembling, naked boy, before pulling back-

**BANG!**

A blast sounded from outside the hall.

The blonde man rolled his eyes, "This has been put off way too long- just ignore it, it's probably the boss."

The man smirked, "Ready, angel?"

Castiel looked up at him, shaking with terror, tears streaming as he stared at the stout man.

He chuckled, roughly grabbing on the 18 year old's waist again before he-

**BANG!**

The door was shot into before swinging open.

Fergus Crowley King stood with a gun, staring at the men with a smirk.

Castiel's eyes widened, too stunned to speak.

Would Crowley leave because he failed? Crowley wouldn't leave him too, Castiel stared at him, 'please don't leave me here'.

The stout man smirked, "Had to make an entrance huh? Wanna join the party?"

**BANG!**

The man's body fell against Castiel, who flinched back, before prying his shirt out of the dead man's grasp.

"No, thank you," Crowley said calmly.

**BANG!**

**BANG!**

**BANG!**

**BANG!**

Dead bodies of the men surrounded Castiel.

All but one.

Crowley's calm expression turned into a glare as he strode towards the pierced man, who now looked at him fearfully.

The man looked from Crowley to Castiel, "Sir I-"

"My workers have order, loyalties. This," he pointed at Castiel, who looked down at the floor, "that was not orderly, and the only thing it was loyal to was your happy maker down there."

"Sir, please, I-"

"You didn't follow the rules," Crowley said calmly.

"Please sir, it was a misunderstanding I-"

"Yes," Crowley said, raising the gun, "it was."

**BANG!**

The body hit the floor, "I misunderstood what a miserable creature you were," Crowley said with a frown.

Castiel looked up at him, "Cr-Crowley I-"

"I. _Keep_. My deals," Crowley said, looking down at him. "You said you'd help me, you did. I said I'd keep your secret, I did."

Cas nodded, buttoning his shirt with trembling hands.

"While I didn't tell anyone about you, I knew Dean would want to help find you- Sam as well- and quite frankly I didn't mind having two extra shooters on my side." Crowley shrugged, "but, they're here- thought I'd give you a few minutes to get your bearings together first."

Cas nodded, not meeting Crowley's eye as he picked his underwear off the floor, putting them on before pulling his pants out from under a body.

"You've completed your job, Castiel," Crowley said with a frown, "I won't ask you to come here again."

The blue eyes darted around the room, looking for his coat- but strangely, it was nowhere to be found, nor was his tie. The words Crowley had said then occurred to him.

Castiel looked up at him, frowning, "Why are you doing this?"

Crowley bit his lip,"As I said, I keep my deals- I have loyalties, this is why I separated myself from Lucifer in the first place. That's why we're different, Lucifer cares about you- I know he does- but whatever the reason, personally I think it was too many shots and snorts of too many illegal substances, he's never around. Don't you see, Castiel? He's jealous of you, that's why he never fared well if you ask me, a damn baby hiding behind Satan's name."

"You've seen him, you've been here, he kills people because he doesn't care. He takes kids because more for his cult or whatever the hell this, and he doesn't care."

He cleared his throat, and walked towards the door, "He doesn't have loyalties to his workers, I do." He looked at him earnestly as he opened the door, an Castiel still found confusing on Crowley, "And you're one of my workers."

Crowley smiled, " _That's_ why I'm doing this."

And with that he closed the door.

*

"I found him!" Crowley declared, walking down the dark, dirty hall towards Dean, "good thing I did too."

"Lover boy's down there," Crowley said, pointing down the hall, "oh and don't mind the bodies. They were asking for it."

Dean nodded, before he dashed off.

Dean frowned, Crowley's explanation had been brief, why had he killed people? Just because he was Crowley? Were they past enemies? Had something happened? What had they done to ask for it? Had they kidnapped Cas?

God, had some sick fucks hurt Cas?!

They'd better not have. If Crowley hadn't already killed them, Dean probably would have had to hold himself back trying not to! Damn bastards.

Dean approaches the door, before cautiously turning the knob.

He slowly opened the door, "Cas?"

One blue and one blackened blue eye raised to meet him.

_Oh!Darling_

Dean grinned, "Cas!"

He rushed forward before stopping, considering the circumstances.

_Please believe me_

Dean bit his lip, "Can I... Can I hug you?"

_I'll never let you down_

Cas smiled softly, bloody lip lifting with it as he nodded. Dean smiled, cautiously wrapping his arms around him.

As soon as Cas had relaxed Dean held him closer.

_Oh, believe me darling_

Dean shook his head, wrapping his arms around him, "Son of a bitch, damn it Cas just- please, don't ever do that again."

Cas nodded, "I have no intentions to ever duplicate such actions again."

_Believe me when I tell you_

Dean laughed, before pulling back to look a Cas, smiling, "I..." He sighed contently, looking at Cas with a soft smile, "I really missed you."

_ooo_

Cas smiled, "I missed you too, and I... thought I might not see you again for a considerable length of time, so I came to a conclusion that I will not back down upon."

Dean raised his eyebrows, "What is it, Cas?"

_I'll never do you no harm_

He looked at him intently, biting his lip, "I... I have to tell you something."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry Cas didn't tell Dean, honestly I just ran out of room. Hopefully you enjoyed the chapter nonetheless! All the kudos, comments, and bookmarks have been really appreciated- so thank you for those:) Did you guys think Lucifer was well written? Was Crowley cool? I'm sorry about Castiel by the way, I really do love him, he's y favorite character even though my writing makes it sound like I hate him. Did the Destiel reunion make you happy? Feel free to tell me, and thank you!


	25. Eleanor Rigby

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dean, Sam, and Cas arrive home. Sam goes for a walk. Anna and Gabriel wait for Cas to return. Dean and Cas talk.
> 
> WARNINGS: Discussions of rape, brief mentions of torture, general sadness:(

 

The difficult part of making a promise, was continuing to maintain the confidence you originally possessed when making it. When Castiel had promised to tell Dean- goodness, only an hour ago- he had done so out of desperation, but now he was wishing he had said nothing.

_Ah_

At the same time, he no longer wished to keep this a secret- but, the fear of disgust and rejection was still there, still inside Castiel, discouraging him from ever seeking help. However, with Dean being as he was, Castiel could only hope Dean would be different. That Dean would care about him.

Because he was so tired of his Uncle's watchful stare, the ever hanging threat of him contacting the preacher. He was so tired of feeling worthless and wrong.

He was so tired of being alone.

_Look at all the lonely people_

Cas frowned as Dean pulled the car up to the driveway, anxious for the conversation he knew would be approaching. Perhaps he didn't truly need to tell Dean- after all, shouldn't he tell a family member first? Maybe that would be better, maybe he should leave- maybe he should have never done this, oh what was he thinking?

He sighed, there was no going back now. Castiel would have to tell Dean, and then he could only hope Dean wouldn't toss him asi-

"Cas?" Dean said with a frown, standing outside the car with Sam.

"Oh," Cas said softly, unbuckling with a frown, "sorry."

_Ah_

Dean frowned, masking his worry for Cas, "S'fine."

He looked back at his brother, "Sammy, could you go take care of the dog? Think he needs to go on a walk."

Sam looked up from Cas, whose blue and black eyes (Sam still winched at his bruises) were currently cast to the ground, "Yeah, sure."

The younger boy bit his lip, looking at Castiel once more with concern before walking up to their apartment.

_Look at all the lonely people_

Dean sighed as his brother walked away, turning back to his boyfriend. He held his tan hand out to the pale, which was shakingly accepted. Dean's worried frown softened when Cas took his hand, and allowed Dean to help him to stand on his shaky legs.

*

Anna bit her lip, looking out the living room window.

Gabriel sighed, "Anna, despite your genius theories, you staring out the window will not make Cas come home any sooner."

She frowned, "I deserve to know where he is, Gabriel, Dean said they'd found him."

_Eleanor Rigby_

He shrugged, "Maybe something's going on that we don't know about it."

"Yes but if I was _there now_ I would _know_ about it."

Gabe raised his eyebrows, walking over towards the window, "Anna, ya gotta know that kid cares about Cas."

_Picks up the rice in the church where a wedding has been_

She sighed, turning away from the window, "I know that, but I want to know where he is, Gabriel. After Dean called me I asked all of our siblings, and I drove around and I couldn't find him anywhere. I'm glad Dean said he's okay, but do you know how many years I've been watching Castiel?"

"I'm guessing 18?" Gabriel said as he sat in his red chair.

_Lives in a dream_

Anna sighed once more, turning back to the window with her arms crossed, "I want him to be okay, Gabriel. I want him to be happy."

_Waits at the window_

"Yeah, well, you and I both know he's been happier these past few months than he's been in... well, years," Gabriel said with a frown.

"I know," she said with a sigh, "I just- I miss seeing him smile. Perhaps he's legally considered an adult, but he's still just a child. And this started far before Castiel turned 18."

"You do the best you can, more than any of us have ever been able to." He shrugged, "but sometimes you can't keep the happy face on for him, Anna. You can't change his life for him, sometimes you've just gotta let him face the world- that fake smile of yours can't fix everything."

_Wearing the face that she keeps in a jar by the door_

His sister said nothing, still staring out the dark window, bearing a responsibility that should have never been her's to begin with. Gabriel frowned, it should've been dad's- or an older sibling, hell, maybe if he was more serious he could have done a better job too. But out of all of the siblings, Gabriel knew Anna had always tried the hardest to reach Cas.

Gabriel shook his head, "You can't take care of him all the time, kiddo."

_Who is it for?_

Anna frowned, turning away from the window to look at her brother.

"What?"Gabe said quizzically, raising his eyebrows.

_All the lonely people_

She bit her lip, looking much like Castiel as she reflected on the moniker, "You just.. you haven't called me that in a long time."

"Well, even if you worry a lot and try and act like everyone's mom- you'll still always be my little sister."

_Where do they all come from?_

She nodded, looking back to the window, "Yeah, I suppose I will."

*

Dean sighed as he sat down on his navy bed, watching Cas as he sat down on Sam's.

_All the lonely people_

"So, uh, Cas..."

Black and blue eyes looked up.

"Um, I get that you're kind of... uncomfortable with this. I just, I don't know do you not wanna talk about it? Because we don't have to if you don't want to."

Dean softly turned on the radio, "We could listen to music."

The radio began to stream music, "Where do they all belong?"

Cas' eyes widened before he looked at Dean, "turn it off."

"Fath-"

Dean raised his eyebrows with a frown after he turned the radio off, "Thought you liked The Beatles, Cas?"

_Father McKenzie_

Cas frowned as well, "Yes, well... we all have songs we cannot listen to Dean."

Dean nodded, looking down at the floor, "Oh."

Castiel sighed, "I am sorry for making you uncomfortable. That's all I seem to be able to do with people- you've made jokes, and I have become upset with you, a man came onto me, and I made it so you had to come fetch me from the bathroom."

He sighed angrily, "For god's sake I had a _panic attack_ over some _fucking leaves_."

_Writing the words of a sermon_

Dean's eyes widened at the last statement (both from the cursing and the use of God's name in vain, neither of which Cas made a habit of doing), "Cas, look, I'm sorry I pressured you- we don't have to-"

_That no one will hear_

"Yes we do," Castiel said with a sigh. "If we don't this it will continue to be an obstacle for us, I will continue to be in discomfort with no reason as to your knowledge, and people will be vexated with my secrets, and no one will wish to be around me."

_No one comes near_

"Well... okay," Dean said softly, "if you want to tell me."

"I... I do, I just- I don't know how. This is..." Cas scoffed, "you know, I've thought of how to tell you a million times, and I'm still not sure if I'm doing it right."

"When I was..."

He took a shaky breath, Dean would know- no, no that was okay, it's okay for Dean to know, keep going keep going.

"Um, when- when I was..." 

"When I was younger... My- my priest used to... hurt me," he said softly.

Dean's quiet expression faltered, confusion fleeting in his eyes before concern took over.

Someone...

Oh god, someone had hurt Cas. When Cas was a kid someone- his priest- hurt him. Dean felt his stomach coiling, as he imagined all the things that could have happened. Unless, the priest hadn't just hit him or something- unless he had-

No, not- not that...

_Look at him working_

"When I was..." Cas took another rattly breath, blinking away tears as he looked at the ground, "when I was... b-bad. He would- he would-" Cas exhaled, chest shaking as he closed his eyes, "he would t-t-t-take the sin o-out of me."

Dean said nothing, mouth slightly open as he watched Cas tremble, shattered by what he was hearing.

Oh god the- the man at the party, making Cas uncomfortable by coming onto him. No- no no no, Dean hadn't wanted to believe it. He hadn't wanted to believe it, he'd seen enough to consider it but- hell, at one point Dean had thought this was the problem, a few times actually. But no, no it was just a phobia, he'd told himself.

Cas was scared of people touching him, he was scared but that didn't mean something didn't had to have happened- something didn't have to happen to someone in order for them to have a fear. Besides, that was crazy, he'd told himself, no one would ever hurt Cas.

No one would ever... God, he'd let Cas suffer- why didn't he try harder to find out? Why didn't he stop him from meeting with Crowley? Why didn't he do anything?

Cas was.... Dean liked... Cas was... well, Cas, and Dean just sat by and left him suffer alone. What was wrong with him? Did Cas mean nothing to him? Why hadn't he known?

How could he not have figured it out?

"And- and- he didn't c-care- he d-d-didn't care what it did to m-me."

_What does he care?_

Cas sniffed, "N-n-no one kn-kn-knew." He wiped his eyes with a trembling hand, "a-and I-I tried to t-t-t-tell some-someone," Cas said, tears streaming down his face as he shook, "but my uncle just got m-m- _mad_ at m-me!"

He hid his face for a moment, body shaking despite Castiel's attempts to calm himself.

"An-and y-y-you're going to get m-mad at m-me, I kn- _know_ you w-w-will," he said, wiping his eyes.

Castiel couldn't stand the thought of Dean hating him, of Dean thinking he was disgusting- he couldn't bear that, not when he knew so many others shared that opinion. His shoulders shook as he lowered his head once more, wiping his eyes.

"Hey, no Cas," Dean said softly, gaining Cas' attention, "I wanted you to tell me, I'm glad you were so brave- I'm glad you trust me so much. Cas I'm so sorry that I made you feel like you had to tell me, I didn't- I guess I just-"

"What," Cas said, offering something between a laugh and a sob, "y-you d-didn't think it'd be that bad? That _I'd_ be that bad?"

_Darning his socks in the night_

Dean quickly shook his head, speaking with concern, "Cas, no that's not what I-"

"I know," Castiel said tiredly, not looking up from the floor, "but I a-am d-disappointing, and I'm... I'm so tired of that. I'm tired of letting people d-down, and making people fraught. I don't want people to think anything they say could ups-set me- I don't want to be the boy who was... r... r...raped," he shivered, "I don't want people to be able to hold this over my head, I just-"

_When there's nobody there_

Dean looked at him with concern, unsure if approaching Cas would be the right thing to do.

Cas sighed, shoulders sagging, "I just... There's... Th-there's so much I haven't told you, so much I haven't told anyone. I just..." He looked up at the other male, "Dean, have you ever told a lie for so long that telling the truth no longer seems imperative? That the lie just becomes the truth, in a way?"

_All the lonely people_

He nodded, " 'Course, Cas."

"Well, this just kind of... became a lie. I grew so accustomed to never telling anyone what the preacher would do that- that it just... telling someone didn't seem to be much of an option anymore. I- I tried, I tried to tell my uncle but he- he said he knew, he would tell me that I deserved it, that it was-" he sniffed, wiping his nose, "th-th-that it was G-G-God's way of k-keeping me in line."

Dean sighed, shaking his head in disbelief, "Cas, you gotta know that that's not tr-"

_All the lonely people_

Cas sighed as well, dismissing the comment, "I believed it was true. That's all that mattered. Uncle Zachariah- he would-"

Dean couldn't stop himself from asking, "Cas, wait- the- do you mean the... the uncle that came around at Christmas? The one you didn't want to see?"

'Wow, that was a dumb question, of course that was the uncle- way to interrupt the guy for something stupid, obviously it's difficult for 'im to talk about,' Dean thought with a frown.

Dean was so unsure of himself, was he even handling this the right way? Was he helping at all? Honestly he had no clue, he was so shocked that someone could ever hurt Cas, that someone could ever rape Cas. That wasn't supposed to happen, not to him.

_Where do they all come from?_

And no way in hell should anyone have the power to hold that over his head! Dean just... didn't know what to do. Part of him was pissed that someone had done that to Cas, honestly he was still surprised by the confession, but mostly Dean just felt... sad. How could someone do that to Cas?

"Y-yes," Cas said with a sigh, "that uncle."

_All the lonely people_

Dean nodded, "Oh. That's uh-that's what I thought."

Cas nodded, looking at the floor. Now that he had began speaking to Dean he has this overwhelming urge to tell him everyone, to be rid of everything- but he also wished to lock himself up, scared of what his admittance would bring. It wasn't as if Dean would ever accept him after this, he was disgusting, Dean would hate him. Cas didn't deserve to be with Dean, he didn't belong with him- Dean wasn't a fuck up like he was. He couldn't tell him any more.

_Where do they all belong?_

No, tell him more.

**More more more more more more more you have to tell him more you have to tell him more you don't want to forget something you don't want to give Dean another reason to be disappointed in you keep going, don't let Dean down don't let Dean down.**

Why was he always letting everyone down?

_Ah, look at all the lonely people_

Why couldn't he ever do anything right?

_Ah, look at all the lonely people_

He looked up at Dean, sad, dull, defeated bruised blue eyes meeting concerned green. Dean looked at him hopelessly, he couldn't understand how someone could make Cas suffer this way.

"I'm so _tired_ Dean," Cas said suddenly, sighing.

Dean looked at him, raising his eyebrows with a frown.

"I'm just- So. Tired. I wanted this to stop, I wanted it all to stop. I tried to make it stop, actually. I stayed up until the morning and I studied through lunch and I always tried to clean the house and if I wasn't cleaning or studying I was praying, but nothing made me better."

"So he kept calling me, he would lie- and why would anyone ever think he was? He was our preacher, perhaps he still _is_ _their_ preacher- no one had any reason to believe he would perform anything but good works."

"He had the perfect alibi to come see me. He planned it rather well, I suppose- it only ever happened twice a year at most, certainly not regular enough to raise suspicion. So no one was suspicious."

Castiel's dull blue eyes continued to focus on the floor, too ashamed to meet Dean's eye as he continued to speak, "I- I tried to... I thought if- if I punished myself he wouldn't. He would hurt me, so I just hurt myself," he swallowed, and then continued in a soft voice, "I- I... thought that would make it.... better you see, but... It didn't."

"Meg tried to ask me questions," he shook his head, "I was so stupid, ha- I would- I would shut her out for _months_. I was so alone, but I preferred it that way."

"Anna- we- we were so happy together when we were younger, Gabriel cared for me as well, but- but I shut them out, I would stay in my room and study or pray or clean my bedroom. Then I would... I would wait, until everyone was asleep and I would clean anything I could. I took care of laundry, I made my brother's beds, I did everything I could to be helpful, to be good. But he wouldn't stop punishing me."

"He just... wouldn't stop. So neither would I, and every time I cut a little deeper- and I-" he wiped away a tear, "I thought it would derail him, but... he just kept.... hurting me."

"And I-" Cas sniffed, "I was so ashamed. He saw everything, he saw all of me- and I'm never going to get that back, I'm never going to be thought of as anything other than a bad little altar boy again. I'm just some stupid, disgusting, kid with scars. He-"

Castiel's shoulders shook as he placed his face in his hands, "he saw them Dean, the man, he saw my scars. It was so humiliating, he just..."

" _Laughed_. He laughed and laughed, and all the while I was crying and screaming underneath him and he- he didn't care- he never cared."

"It's... the most..." Cas' bottom lip trembled before he bit down on it, continuing with a shaky voice, "it's the most... degrading thing I have ever experienced. But I- my apologies I am not trying to complain-...and I-I mean, I know you've gone through worse. I just- sorry I um..."

"Cas," Dean said softly, looking at him tenderly, "if it makes you uncomfortable, you don't have to tell me."

"I- I know I just-" he cleared his throat, "heh, this is uh- sorry I don't know how to- I'm not the best at explaining. But um- he- he- h-he." Cas shuddered, tears pooling in his eyes, "D-D-Dean it was- it w-was- I-I-"

_Eleanor Rigby died in the church and was buried along with her name_

Cas looked up at Dean, tears running down his cheeks, "...I-I was so afraid."

_Nobody came_

"Cas," Dean said softly, "I... I am so, so sorry that he did that to you."

Castiel laughed, but it was missing the gravelly chuckle that Dean normally heard, this was darker. His laugh sounded self deprecating, dark, and as if he was holding back so much more... Cas sounded as if he was in the edge of hysteria.

Dean didn't like it.

Cas laughed again which quickly turned into a sob. Even now he was still lying to him- Dean had no idea.

He ran a shaky hand across his tired eyes once more, god he hated crying, "Um, D-Dean, it happened more than once."

_Father McKenzie wiping the dirt from his hands as he walks from the grave_

God, Dean had no idea how messed up he was, did he? How disgusting and pathetic he was?

Dean's eyes widened at the confession, before he frowned. What the fuck was wrong with that guy? What the fuck had possessed him to hurt Cas? Why hadn't he just left him alone?

"H-how many... How many times did it... How long did this go on?"

_No one was saved_

Castiel hugged himself, shaking as his cries turned to hiccups.

"S-"hiccup "it happ-pe-ppened..."

Cas shivered, and if Dean hadn't been paying such close attention he would have missed him whisper.

"Six times."

_All the lonely people_

" _What?_ " Dean said angrily.

That fucking _animal_ , no one had the right to touch Cas that way! Fuck, if Dean ever met this guy he'd kill him- priest or not!

Cas flinched at his tone, great, he thought as he curled in on himself. Now Dean was angry, well, of course he was angry- now he knew how truly wrong Castiel was!

Dean's eyes snapped to Cas when he pulled his legs up on Sam's bed, wrapping his arms around his knees, crying.

"Hey," Dean said softly, "C-Cas, I'm sorry. I- I'm sorry I have you such a hard time about this, I- I didn't know."

"It’s n-n-not your f-f-fault," 'it's mine because I'm bad and disgusting', "I sh-sh-shouldn't h-h-have said an-an-nyth-thing," 'but I never do the right thing so why wouldn't I?'

Dean stared at him, mouth open as he looked at Cas sadly, "Ca-"

Now Dean felt bad.

And Dean was angry.

Dean was upset and it was all Castiel's fault, why had he ever thought of telling Dean? What was wrong with him?! Why couldn't he ever just be fucking normal?!

His shoulder began to shake even harder as his sobs turned to gasps for air, **great, great great great now he had told one of the people he cared for most in the world what he had done wrong. Dean was going to leave him now, Dean was going to leave Dean was going to leave Dean was going to leave. No, no, no Dean couldn't leave! He had to show Dean he was worth it he had to he had to he had to- Cas didn't want to be alone he didn't want to be alone he didn't want to be alone-**

Cas' voice shook terribly, sobs racking his body as he ran a shaking hand across his nose. God, this was disgusting, he was disgusting. **He was so pathetic so pathetic so pathetic so pathetic and wrong don't forget wrong he was wrong- why would he ruin everything by telling the truth?! Dean had cared he had he had he must have cared at some point but now that was ruined it was ruined it was ruined and it was all Cas' fault, all is fault all his fault all his fault.**

"I'm sorry, I'm s-s-s-sorry," Cas said shakily, wiping his eyes, "this was stupid, this was a stupid idea- I'm so s-sorry I should have never t-t-t-told you, what was I th-thinking I'm so st-stupid- I'm sorry for p-p-putting this all on y-you."

Cas bent his head once more, and his sobs rang louder.

He was so disgusting.

He was so wrong.

He was so bad.

He was- he was being hugged.

Cas flinched, before he recognized the scent of car oil, leather- this was okay, this was okay, Dean wouldn't hurt him.

Dean.

Dean was hugging him.

Cas wrapped his shaking arms around Dean, clinging to him as he sobbed.

"It h-h-hurt so _bad_ , Dean," he sobbed.

"I was so scared and alone- and he wouldn't st-hop! I tried so h-hard to be go-hood! But he didn't- he didn't- he wouldn't stop!"

Cas tightened his hold on Dean, maybe if he held on tight enough he wouldn't break.

'Let's be honest with ourselves, alright?' Cas thought to himself as he cried.

'Lying is a sin you know.'

His sobs shook his entire body, arms trembling as they clung to Dean.

'Besides, everybody knows you're already broken.'

"I'm sorry Cas," Dean whispered, "I'm so sorry."

Someone knew, he thought. Someone- someone who cared, knew about what had happened to him. He would no longer just be Cas. He would be: the altar boy who was fucked six times by his priest because he was bad.

He'd never wanted to be that again.

Why had he thought telling would change what he truly was?

"Please d-don't h-hate me," Cas mumbled into Dean's jacket, a tear collecting on the leather, "I couldn't stand it if y-you h-hated me."

The tear was not his own.

Dean pulled back from Cas, hands resting on his shoulders.

" _Cas_ ," Dean said sadly, tear rolling down his cheek, "I would never, _ever_ hate you."

He hugged him again, "I'm so sorry you ever thought I would."

Dean sniffed, holding Cas tighter.

"B-but I was-"

Dean stopped, before pulling back to glare, "Don't you say it," he said roughly, "don't you say that to me. You were not bad, and you are not a bad person, now I know me saying it doesn't change what you think but you're not, you're _not_ bad."

_Ah_

He frowned, before looking Cas in the eye, "Cas? Do you remember what I said when we were first gettin' to know one another? About you being right?"

Cas hiccupped, "You... You said that I was wr-wrong, about not being right."

Dean nodded, "And I meant it, and I still mean it- I'll say it again Cas, you belong here as much as anyone else."

_Look at all the lonely people_

Cas ducked his head, maybe Dean believed that, but he knew the truth.

"Hey, c'mon Cas look at me," Dean said.

Bruised eyes flickered up.

" _Cas_ ," Dean said softly, looking at him desperately, "man, ya gotta know- someone's got tell ya- it's just... Well, frankly, you're awesome."

He frowned, brow furrowing, " _What_?"

Dean smiled, "Castiel, you _are good_. You don't have to be ashamed of anything that happened, you don't have to hide from me or look at the floor or lie- man I- I hope one day I can measure up to you Cas. You just don't see yourself the right way, obviously you don't or you'd believe me when I tell you how awesome you are. I just- you're so... you're so _smart_ , and _nice_. You're not a dick about it, and hey, most people can't say that y'know?"

_Where do they all come from?_

"Um," Dean wiped his eyes, sniffing, "Ah shit, um, I'm not the best at this- but you are good. You're so smart, and nice, and... God Cas," he shook his head, "god you're _beautiful_. Have I ever told you that?"

Castiel said nothing, tears drying as he stared at Dean in disbelief.

_All the lonely people_

Dean looked down at Cas, "I just... Listen, I know a thing or two about men screwing up your life- and you don't have to feel bad for that Cas- and, I just- I wanna help, so could you just... Stay a little longer? Please?"

_Ah_

Cas' blue eyes stared up at him. He didn't believe him, but- but still Dean thought he was...

Dean thought he was good.

_Look at all the lonely people_

"And look I," Dean rubbed his neck, briefly looking at the ground, "I know you probably feel like shit right now, and just want to crawl into a hole and never come out, but I mean, you do belong here, Cas. Even if you don't think highly of yourself, even if something bad happens to you, or if you think you screwed something up, you're always gonna be welcome here."

Dean smiled at Cas, "it's where you belong."

_Where do they all belong?_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry it's taken me so long to update, this was just a really hard chapter to write- I put a lot of thought about how I wanted this chapter to go, and I changed the song at one point because I wanted to save a song for a later chapter. Again, sorry this took so long, thank you everyone for kudos, comments, and bookmarks! You guys rock! :)
> 
> Um, also, this is probably one of the hardest chapters I've ever written (I have someone who betas for me and she enjoyed this so I deemed it worthy, but before that I was really nervous and kind of wrote, re-wrote, and deleted a lot of stuff) so any form of review would really be appreciated. Thank you so much! :)


	26. The Fool on the Hill

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Agent Henriksen tries to work with Lucifer. Cas goes home. Cas speaks with Anna and Gabriel. Sam goes on a walk. Naomi isn't happy. Dean and Cas speak. Gabriel shows up.
> 
> WARNINGS: Language (I realized I've never warned this before, whoops) family members being douche bags, brief nonconsensual flashbacks

_Day after day_

Lucifer smiled to himself, clinking his chains against the table.

Agent Henriksen frowned at the criminal, who had not moved an inch since being placed in the agent's custody except to knock his cuffs against the table.

"Could you stop that?" Henriksen said in irritation.

_Alone on the hill_

"I hardly think your establishment is too dignified to receive my rendition of Swan Lake," Lucifer said, not looking up from the table.

Henriksen frowned, "Well yes, while your playing could make a grown man cry- that's not why you're here."

He frowned, walking over to the criminal, "We're here because at 25 years old you're a drug lord and assembled one of the largest gangs in the state."

Lucifer smiled, "Yes, loyal, aren't they?"

His smile faded, and he raised his eyebrows, "Only one of the largest? Mr. Henriksen, please, let’s be honest with one another, shall we? I have not lied to you or anyone else of this establishment; may I at least expect the same courtesy?"

_The man with the foolish grin is keeping perfectly still_

"They don't pay me to sit around and watch psychopaths talk themselves up, Lucifer. Now, tell me, how did Castiel Novak find himself at the hands of some of your gang members?"

Lucifer sighed, "Shame that they don't, Mr. Henriksen- I have no doubt I could tell you some fascinating stories."

Henriksen glared, leaning in closer to the young man, "I bet you could, and I have an interesting story for you as well- the tale of sad, lonely, attention seeking Lucifer Novak."

Lucifer raised his eyebrows, "Enlighten me."

He grinned, "Oh, I'll be more than happy to. You see, when little Lucy was a boy his momma died, and then his daddy was the only one around, so little Lucy got into some habits- started hanging out with the wrong crowd, dealing and doing drugs, pushed his daddy every chance he got 'till one day Daddy Novak snapped, and left. This made Lucy feel even more upset, so he became the worst he could be, at 18 he'd been arrested for shoplifting, drinking under the age, drinking and driving, possession of illegal substances, and domestic abuse."

Henriksen shook his head, looking down at the calm man, "Not off to a great start, little Lucy. Doesn't seem anyone's too pleased with you- no visitors, no calls, no one seems to want to bother with you."

_But nobody wants to know him_

Lucifer frowned, "My father loved me, but he betrayed me. He yelled and cursed and broke things when all I wanted was his love, perhaps if he had asked I simply would have stopped, and neither you nor I would be sitting here."

"Y'see, I don't know how it works in your head- but around here you don't get a hug because your daddy didn't tell you it wasn't okay to kidnap people."

Lucifer frowned, "Mr. Henriksen, I don't believe that has ever been a charge of mine."

He smiled, "We both know you're a suspect for some of these kidnappings, probably older ones too- you think you're too powerful, oh but Lucifer before we get any further in our discussion I would just like to thank you- thank you, for giving me this break in the case. Here I thought you were too well guarded, and then you fell right into our hands."

His smile grew, "I bet you thought you were so clever, so high up, untouchable no one could ever get you. But here I am, and with me, the consequences."

_They can see that he's just a fool_

"I gotta ask Lucy, why'd ya do it? Why'd ya start all this? Did a friend get you into this? All your family is clean as a whistle, and you were well off- sure you didn't live in luxury, but you were doing alright. Maybe if you'd gotten an honest job and helped Michael, things would've been even better. I'd discard it and say you were stupid, or bored, like the rest of 'em- but that doesn't seem to apply to you."

Henriksen leaned against the table, once more closer to Lucifer, "Why'd you do it? Huh, Lucifer? Who got you into this? Who'd you work with?"

Lucifer smiled, "I was supposed to be an angel, you see, my dad would say because I was named Lucifer, I had to become big- well known, well off, to show I wasn't my name. I'm not Satan or something," he chuckled, "stupid Satan."

"Well, my heart weeps- but Lucifer, you're facing some big charges. You wanna screw your life up, fine by me, good job so far- but we both know you're facing life in prison with these suspected kidnappings, so, I think it'd be best if you- for once- help yourself out. Give me some names."

_And he never gives an answer_

Lucifer smiled once more, "Why would I give any of this up? Don't you see Henriksen? I was a pushed around angel, but I have a mind of my own, so I was different. I was unwanted. Why would I want to be a servant? I rule, and you think I want to be enslaved again?"

Henriksen frowned, "Just tell me, Lucifer."

He grinned, "Simple. Why be an angel, when you can be God?"

*

 Not long after Castiel told Dean, he stood up from the navy blue bed, walking towards the living room door. After he had told Dean, and they had discussed this for some time, Dean had hugged him, but he had also cried so hard he shook, and Castiel had never felt guiltier.

Dean frowned as Cas began to walk, standing up with him, "Hey, Cas, wait- look you don't have to be ashamed for telling me. If that's why you're leaving, please don't. I know it wasn't your fault, and I'm not upset with you- just... you don't have to go, if you want."

Cas smiled softly, turning from the door, "Thank you, Dean. But I do have to leave now; I truly offer my deepest condolences- I have to return to Anna, to inform her of where I have been residing."

He frowned, "I wish circumstances were different. Much of the time I’d rather be here."

Dean shrugged, "Look, Cas, I know you got a steaming pile on your plate. There’s no need for apologies."

Cas smiled softly, "Thank you."

Dean smiled, chuckling as he rubbed his neck, taken back by Cas' sincerity, "Yeah, well... you're welcome."

Cas shook his head, walking to the living room, "Dean, you are allowed to be recognized for doing something nice."

Dean frowned when they stopped in front of the apartment's door, "Cas, are you gonna go back to the awkward love yourself stares?"

Cas said nothing, staring at him.

Dean groaned, "Not this again!"

It was silent. Dean frowned, why did Cas have to be difficult? Ugh, damn Cas and his need for Dean to love his stupid self. Though if Dean was being honest, Cas’ intense staring did make him a little uncomfortable.

"Cas, come on man, would you just let it go?"

Cas said nothing, only offering his stare.

...  
...  
...

"Fine fine- yeah I was helpful!" Dean said with a frown.

Cas smiled, "you really were." He walked over, pecking his cheek, "Please don't be so hard on yourself, Dean. Also I'd appreciate it if you could ignore the hypocrisy in the previous statement."

Dean scoffed, "I'll do my best."

Cas smiled, "Yes, I suppose that's all I can ask."

"Oh!" Dean turned around, grabbing something off the chair behind him.

His trench coat.

Dean awkwardly looked down at the slightly bloody, folded coat, "I uh... um, I found it- in- in the hallway, back, um... back there. I'm guessing somebody uh- threw it out there or something, but it was lying in the hallway."

Cas looked down at the coat, before striding across the room. He wrapped his arms around Dean.

"Thank you," he whispered.

Dean nodded, "Uh, hey Cas?"

Castiel stepped back, "Yes?"

Dean dragged his foot across the carpet before looking up, "Can uh... Can um, would it be okay if I kissed you?"

**Would it be okay would it be okay would it be okay don't want you to break don't want you to break don't want you to freak out don't want the raped boy to be uncomfortable have to ask have to ask have to ask permission because you're broken and scare him you scare him you scare him!**

Cas smiled softly, "Sure."

* 

Sam knew it was kind of weird to talk to a puppy, but Zeppie- god, he still thought that was a ridiculous name- was nice, and hey, they were on a walk. Though they probably should have gone another day, considering how dark the sky was becoming.

Now that March had come around, the air was starting to warm up- which Sam was thankful for, he wanted to give Dean and Cas as much as time as they needed, even if he was dying to know how Cas had ended up where they found him.

"I don't know man- er, dog," Sam said with a sigh, "I'm worried 'bout my brother and Cas too. Y'see Dean nearly went nuts trying to find him. Course, I bet you've seen them- you've been here for over a month."

_But the fool on the hill_

The German shepherd looked up, panting as he stared at Sam, smiling when Sam shook his head.

It was a bit weird, talking to a dog- but Dean seemed to enjoy it, and Sam had to admit, he was happy to have someone to talk to.

"I don't know," Sam said as the two began walking up a hill (Sam liked walking, so he never went around hills).

_Sees the sun going down_

He sighed, running a hand through his hair, "I think... No, I _know_ \- Dean really, really likes Cas. They've been dating for four months now, y'know. I guess it was a secret when they started at the end of December, or, it was _meant_ to be."

Sam smiled as the two turned once more, "but I saw them, I knew."

"Geez," he said with a chuckle, smiling at the ground, "four months. That's a long time for Dean, 'specially since its... well y'know, a guy."

_And the eyes in his head_

Sam looked down at Zeppie, shrugging, "Dean's looked at guys, sure, maybe even hooked up with some, but dating? Please."

Sam smiled, "I'm really happy for him, Zeppie."

The smile disappeared, "I just hope things between he and Cas will be alright, he was really shaken up y'know. Cas. I'd never seen him so scared."

_See the world spinning around_

They crossed another street, the puppy wagging his tail as they did so.

"I don't like seeing him upset, Zeppie- I care about Cas too, y'know. A lot, actually." Sam bit his lip, "I hope he'll be okay."

*

Cas walked down the street, clouds gathering as he turned towards his house, glad he only had Anna and Gabriel to worry about. Michael and Naomi's lack of interest towards Castiel did make him feel interferer, but he wouldn't lie, he was happy there were less people at homewho would  worry.

_Well on the way_

He would like to minimize the number of lives he ruins.

_Head in a cloud_

Honestly, Castiel would like- more than anything- to be small again, and run around, without a care in the world. Now he had things to worry about, and people who wanted to help him. This was still something Cas was apprehensive about- asking for help, telling others when something happened to him.

He had tried that, he had screamed at the preacher until, sometimes, he would choke Castiel. Other times he would beg for him to stop, and when it became apparent that the preacher would not, Castiel had stopped pleading with him, stopped yelling at the preacher to let him go.

_The man of a thousand voices talking perfectly loud_

After months of working up the courage, Castiel finally convinced himself to tell someone. He would have told Michael, but Michael was only 18- he didn't have time for something like this. Anna and Gabriel were even younger, and he would never tell Lucifer or Naomi. Castiel knew he had to tell an adult- that was what you were supposed to do, if you were little and you needed help.

So at 10 years old, he laid everything on the line, he allowed his uncle to judge him and scoff and make fun of him.

_But nobody ever hears him_

His cruel, mocking words had haunted the child for months- how could he have ever thought someone would care? Didn't he know it was his fault? Uncle Zachariah said it himself; this kept him in his place.

So he no longer spoke of what happened, and when it happened again and again and again, Castiel never told anyone. How could he? What good would it do? His family would only hate him more, Naomi would only yell at him more, he would only burden Anna further, stress Michael more, disrupt Gabriel's happy life again, and cause Lucifer too leave more often- what positives could honesty possibly offer Castiel and his family?

No, he was to never speak of it.

_Or the sound he appears to make_

And as Castiel's resolve grew stronger, the preacher broke him further, and soon he was trapped within such a web of deceit, Castiel found he could no longer see where it all began. How many lies had he spun to avoid attending church? How many times had Anna asked Castiel if he was alright, and he had lied? How often had he woken his siblings with his nightmares, and assured them he was fine? Castiel had lied for so long; he never stopped to think of telling the truth.

_And he never seems to notice_

And now he had told someone the truth. Dean. Who had not laughed at him. Dean, who had not threatened him. Dean, who had not told him he was disgusting or wrong or bad. Dean, who always had his back.

Cas sighed as he looked at his house, he wished Dean were with him now.

Castiel walked up to his house, head bent to avoid attention, he knew he had lied to Anna- he hadn't gone over to Dean's, he had been with Crowley, he'd been lying to Anna for a month. Cas wouldn't be surprised if Anna now despised him; she had plenty of reasons to already. Lying was bad, but he wasn't- yes he was.

Cas frowned; he no longer had the energy for such laborious internal arguments. Currently, he only wanted one thing, to see Anna. To beg for her forgiveness.

Blue eyes nervously stared at the door before him, before he reached out for the doorbe-

"Castiel!" Anna cried as she swung the door open.

Her brown eyes shone with worry, and now, relief. Gabriel stared at his brother from behind Anna, and Castiel's gaze dropped to the floor- if not Anna, surely Gabriel would be disappointed in him. He certainly did not possess any reason to be proud of Castiel.

She stared at Castiel's blackened eye and partially split lip, before hugging him. Cas flinched slightly (he wished he could stop, but he just couldn't help himself) at the unexpected contact, before hugging her back.

"I am _so_  so sorry," Cas said sincerely as he leaned over his sister, hugging her tightly.

And oh he was- Castiel was disgusted with himself for lying to his sister. He didn't deserve her love, and she gave it freely nonetheless- she should be revolted by him. In fact, that would be the only appropriate response to his response.

"It's okay Castiel," Anna said softly, "it’s okay."

He shook his head, "No, no it's not," he said earnestly, "I lied to you. I went behind your back, I was a liar and disloyal and ba-"

"Don't you say that," Anna said sternly, "I won't hear it, because it's not true."

She sighed, looking up at her brother, "Castiel, its okay- no one's upset with you."

Misty blue eyes looked down at Anna, "you have to understand, I was a mess- I was awful, and I should have told you but I didn't want to upse- I-I'm sorry, I just..." Cas sighed, looking at the ground, "I couldn't face you."

He looked up sadly, "I'm so sorry, I should have told you I had been hurt- I should have come home."

Anna lifted his chin, looking him in the eye, "Castiel, I have always been on your side. Always. No matter what. Don't worry; I'm not mad at you for going with Dean instead of coming home. Really, it's okay."

He sighed, "I just didn't want you to worry."

Gabriel smiled, "Well you should realize who you're talking to."

Anna shook her head, taking Castiel's hand (which was slightly shaking, but no one mentioned this) and leading him to the living room. She sighed, lowering she and Castiel onto the couch. Gabriel watched his siblings with a cautious eye, before sitting next to them in his red chair.

She sighed, before softly saying, "Cas? I just... who hurt you?"

 _"Please!" He cried out as one of the man ripped his underwear off, tears running down his cheeks as he screamed, "Please I'll do anything! Pl- Please- please! Don't do this, don't do this!_ "

_The stout one slapped him with a beefy hand, "Shut up!"_

 Cas flinched.

_Castiel forgot he didn't want to be gagged, he forgot he was supposed to be quiet; he forgot he wasn't to make a sound as he screamed bloody murder, "No! Please! Please! Please please st-stop! Please please I'll never come back! I'll never please- please stop! Please don't-"_

_**Slap!** _

"A... A man," Castiel said, looking at the ground.

"Well gee, thanks for the vivid answer," Gabriel said with a smile.

Anna glared at him. Gabriel raised his eyebrows, what? He was just kidding.

See? Your **brother is making fun of you he’s making fun of you he’s making fun of you, he doesn't care- he's never cared, you're too serious for him, leave him alone for once, leave Anna alone! You shouldn't tell them the truth, you shouldn't talk to them, you shouldn't you shouldn't just stop talking just stop talking just stop talking stop talking stop talking.**

"Six, if we're being accurate."

Anna's eyes widened, "Six men? _Six men_ were hurting you?"

He shivered, "Y-Yes."

Gabriel frowned, leaning in, "Wait, if you were working with Crowley- why didn't he help? Being the usual scumbag?"

Cas looked at the ground, "He wasn't there."

Gabriel frowned, "You mean you were dealing with six guys, and Crowley decided he was Tony Montana and was too big a drug lord to help you out?"

Cas bit his lip, still staring at the ground, he wouldn't get Crowley into trouble, not after everything, "I escaped, he helped." Castiel finally raised his gaze, "I am sorry I made you worry so. I am not working with Crowley anymore, and I understand if you no longer trust me."

Anna shook her head softly, knowing there was more to the story, "It's alright, Castiel. I believe you."

Gabriel looked at Cas, frowning at him, as if he was trying to understand him. Which he probably was, deciding if something so worthless (no, not worthless, it wasn't your fault- yes it was) was trustworthy.

**Not that you were that trustworthy from the beginning, you stupid, lying, bad, disgusting, holy whore- sorry, but you can't sit at the altar if that's where the priest fucks you. You'd like to think you're innocent, wouldn't you? Wouldn't you? Wouldn't you? You had better recognize the reality of your situation, because you're not.**

*

"I'm home!" Sam called out, shaking his wet hair (stupid rain) as he closed the door behind he and Zeppie.

_But the fool on the hill_

Sam frowned, maybe Cas was still here.

Sam walked upstairs, "Dean?"

Their door was closed, but not locked.

_Sees the sun going down_

He cautiously opened the door, whispering, "Dean?"

His brother was slightly hunched over, frowning as he spoke into his phone.

"I know, yes I- yes sir," Dean said stoically.

"Yes I- no, I understand."

Sam stared at his brother, already knowing who Dean was speaking with. He sighed, wasn't it just like their dad to take a bad situation and make it worse. Sam knew what their dad did to Dean, he saw. And he was tired of it.

_And the eyes in his head_

"Yes but- no I understand, I know you're busy."

"Then you've gotta know son, I can't be there now- I've just made a break in this case."

Dean nodded, "I know dad, I just... it's been a while, is all."

"Well I'm sorry, did you need someone to tuck you in at night? Were you lonely without me slaving away at your side?"

_See the world spinning around_

Dean gulped, "N-no, sir. I'm sorry I just meant- well it's been... I mean you stayed for a week and a half in November, but after that we haven't seen you in two months. It's March, sir. You last stopped by in mid-January."

"I know how to read a calendar son," John said irritated.

"I-I know," Dean said softly, "I'm sorry, I meant no disrespect sir."

_And nobody seems to like him_

Why did Dean always say such stupid things? Stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid. Dad was busy; he couldn't leave whenever Dean whined for him- god Dean wasn't at his first day of school or something. Boohoo, so he hadn't seen his dad in two months, big deal. Dean would be fine.

He always was.

"Now, I've just reached a big break in this case, son. We've finally got our mob boss, and if we're lucky Lucifer'll talk."

Dean nodded, before frowning, "Wait, did you say Lucifer?"

"Yeah, what about it?"

Sam raised his eyebrows when he noticed Dean's frown grow. Oh dear, this wouldn't be good.

_They can tell what he wants to do_

"Do you mean Castiel's brother? My friend who went missing the other day? Which I called you about, but you said you were busy- that Lucifer?"

"...Yes, look son I told you I was busy and I was."

Dean glared as he spoke, "And yet you're on the case a day later, what's so important about it now? Alleged kidnappings not enough for you?"

"You watch how you to talk to me. I'm sorry about not getting back to you on your _boyfriend_ , but I had more important things to do."

He sighed, "Dad I... I called you, and I begged you for help, but you never responded, not once. The next day you tell me you're investigating this? Why does it only matter when you think it matters? What- am I not important enough for you to listen to? Is a kidnapped 18 year old not enough for you?"

_And he never shows his feelings_

John sighed, before speaking harshly, "I'm sorry about your boyfriend Dean, but I have more important things than helping out your high school sweetheart."

Dean glared into his phone, "I left you so many messages."

_"Hi sir, um, sorry to bother you... but, I need help. I think we have a missing person. Castiel Novak- 18 years old, white male, dark brown hair, blue eyes, 6'0, he's a good friend of mine. He left my- our house yesterday in the middle of the night and had to walk back through the city. I wanted to make sure he got home so I called but his family hasn't seen him, and no one else knows where he is."_

But the fool on the hill

_"Sir I need someone with more experience, I would really appreciate it if you could come here today, I'm really getting worried."_

_"Dad it's me again- I really need your help. I know you might be on a case, but if you could even alert someone else?"_

_"Come on, Dad. You've got to help me. I've got to find Cas; I've got to get back in there."_

"I bet you didn't call a _soul_ for help, you didn't even _try_." Dean was angered further by the silence in the other end, "Were you going to do anything, were you even going to _say anything?!_ "

"I've done everything you've ever asked me, _everything_. I've given everything I've ever had. You were just going to sit there and let me watch my best friend die? What the hell kind of father are you?!"

He heard a sigh, "Dean-"

_Sees the sun going down_

Sam watched Dean with big eyes, nervously staring at the phone his brother held.

"I see what you are dad, you're _obsessed_ \- you're _obsessed_ with finding the people who killed mom, and that's why you suddenly care about this case isn't it?! Otherwise you wouldn't care; you never care about things unless _you_ think they're important!"

Dean's glare hardened, "You know how I know that? Because you never gave a _shit_ about me!"

Dean hung up and threw the phone on his bed, not able to hear another word his dad had to say.

_And the eyes in his head_

Something changed in Dean when he dropped the phone, his shoulders sagged as he sat down, rubbing his face with his hands. He looked so aged- an 18 year old should not look so old, Sam thought with a frown. Sam walked over to Dean's bed, before cautiously sitting down.

Sam looked at his brother, eyebrows raised in question before he began speaking, "I'm sorry."

The fight had gone from his brother, and Dean now stared dully at the ground- likely insulting himself for things that weren't his fault. God, Sam couldn't stand their dad.

Dean shrugged, "Doesn't matter."

Sam moved closer to his brother, “Yeah it does-"

"Damn it, Sam," Dean said with a sigh, "I don't want to talk about it."

"Okay, I just thought it might help," Sam said with a shrug. "If you change your mind, we share a room."

_See the world spinning around_

Sam began walking towards the door, before he turned, "Hey Dean, do you mind if I go to Jess' for a little while?"

Dean briefly looked up from the bed, "Be home before 10, you have school tomorrow."

Sam rolled his eyes, "So do you."

"Yeah, yeah."

*

"So you didn't think it was a big deal that he was missing?" Naomi hissed at her sister, "god you're not at all responsible, are you?"

Anna said nothing, staring at the floor.

"Hey, you weren't here either- cut the kid some slack would you?" Gabriel said with a frown, crossing his arms, "For crying out loud she's not his mom."

Naomi's eyes narrowed at the mention of their mother, "And where were you, Gabriel?"

Gabriel raised his eyebrows, leaning over the kitchen table, "I was praying to The Lord God, that he would take pity on me and strike me down so as to help me avoid talking to my annoying sister."

"Do not speak in such a way," Naomi said with a glare, "God has important matters to deal with, least of all the likes of such a lustful, glutinous sinner."

Gabriel rolled his eyes, "Someone spent too much time at Sunday school. Look, I really couldn't care less about your opinion of me, but stop giving Anna so much shit."

Anna sighed, saying nothing as she stared at the ground, watching from her seat at the kitchen table. She hated watching her siblings argue, especially if it was because of her. Why did Naomi have to always be so angry with her? Anna had searched and called everywhere and everyone to find Castiel, she had done all she could.

Why was that never enough? Why was it Naomi could work and drive around and have a life but Anna had to become a mother at 23? Had been a mother since their own had passed.

"Gabe, it's not a big deal," Anna said with a sigh, "I'm fine."

"Well as long as _you're_ fine," Naomi said acidly. "Never mind what you've done to everyone _else_."

"Oh shut up Naomi!" Gabriel yelled.

"Why?! I'm the only who'll talk about it!" Naomi screamed back.

Gabriel glared, "You act like you're some _hero_ for it but you're not! You're just a _bitch_! And no one here is thanking you for that!"

Naomi said nothing, glaring at Gabriel. Anna sighed, hiding her face. Why couldn't Naomi just not talk about-

"Oh, _what?!_ " Naomi screamed, turning to her hidden sister. "Are you _ashamed_ , Anna? Hm? Are you ashamed of yourself?! How you made our dad leave? How you ruined _everything_?!"

Normally, Anna had no problem sticking up for herself- she didn't like to yell with Naomi, things got out of hand and really it was just tiresome, but she would defend herself. Sometimes though, like now, it was incredibly embarrassing to be victim to Naomi's taunts.

For all the defense Gabriel or Anna herself could provide, Anna still felt maybe it was her fault their father had left. No, no it wasn't her fault- it wasn't anyone's fault, he had just left. They had all come home one school day to an empty house, no explanation, no call, no letter- he was just gone. A missing car and an empty bedroom the only evidence anyone had left at all.

Well, maybe he was just showing Anna to be independent, to not require a father- to show her when people knew, no one would care for her. No one would defend her.

"N-N-Naomi."

Anna raised an eyebrow, turning to the steps to see Cas awkwardly walking down the stairs, biting his lip as everyone stared at him.

" _What_ Castiel?" Naomi hissed, "Do you need to interrupt me so you can cry to Anna? Were grades posted and you got a B? Was a girl called out for being a whore? Was an atheist told they were going to Hell? Did a gay boy cry? What happened in your sad little world now? Because I really don't give a flying _fuck_."

Gabriel's eyes widened at the cruelty in Naomi's voice, but he said nothing.

Gabriel really hated seeing his family fight, and he was guilty of leaving the house and working more often than he should, when he knew there would be arguing- he hated seeing his family fight. He couldn't take it. He didn't know what to do half the time, he wasn't Michael- Naomi wouldn't listen to him.

Cas bit his lip nervously, "Um..."

Naomi rolled her eyes, "On top of everything else that's wrong with you, now you can't speak? Spit it out, Castiel."

Cas looked down at the ground, "IneedyoutostopbeingmeantoAnna."

She glared at him, " _What_?"

The 18 year old bit his lip, "I-I need you to stop being...m-mean to... Anna. It's- it's- it's not nice."

Naomi's glare hardened and she stepped closer, smirking as Castiel folded in in himself, leaning over her brother, invading his personal space. He looked down at her proximity towards him and bit his lip, feeling immensely uncomfortable with how close his sister was. He gulped, his throat tightening as he attempted to breath before shakily looking back up to Naomi, shrinking under her hateful gaze.

She glared lowering her voice, "Do you wanna say that... _again_?"

He didn't mean to cry, but the tears were suddenly streaking his cheeks, and he was reminded of younger days when Naomi would corner him in the kitchen and yell at him for how much of a burden he was, and how everyone hated him.

"I-I-I'm s-s-sorry," Cas said nervously, tears running down his cheeks as he fearfully looked up to his sister.

He shrunk further from Naomi, against the refrigerator, breathing deeply as he tried to avoid panicking.

**No no no no no regain your confidence come on come on come on come on stand up for something for once stand up for someone for once stand up stand up stand up don't let everyone push you around don't be scared into lying don't be scared into backing down don't let Naomi tell you what to do don't let Naomi tell you what to do don't let Naomi tell you what to do**

"I..." Cas took a moment to find his voice, "I don't like this...I-I want you to be n-nice."

Naomi frowned, "You don't? Well, dear little Castiel hasn't anyone ever told you? I mean, we have _reasons_ for not liking people in this household- Lucifer's a disloyal psychotic immoral junkie, you're an overly caring dramatic awkward pathetic waste, and Anna's-"

"Shut up!" Anna screamed. "He doesn't need to know!"

"Oh, do you not want your only fan knowing what you are?" Naomi hissed.

"That's _enough_ ," Gabriel said.

"Well it's time he knows!"

"Hey!" Gabriel shouted.

He was ignored by a screaming Naomi. Gabriel threw his hands up into the air, excusing himself to call Michael. They'd listen to him, if he was ever around.

"And things would be so much easier if you just hadn't been born-"

"Don't say that," Cas said with a frown. "Don't _ever_ say that to her."

Naomi whipped around, her temper was something Castiel should have known not to mess with it, "And what will you do if I do? Sing to me about how loving God is and how I should forgive those who do me wrong?"

Castiel's temporary confidence crumpled as he shrunk in on himself once more

"Or are you going to silently watch me as you think about how much you hate yourself? Neither is going to change things Castiel so why don't you just get-"

Castiel ran out, slamming the door behind him.

*

Someone knocked on the door, and Dean forced himself to stand up from the couch. He opened the door to see a soaking wet Castiel staring at him.

"Family problems," Cas grumbled.

Dean shook his head, before he opened the door, "Yeah, I can bond over that."

Cas sighed, sitting down on the floor as Dean closed and locked the door, walking over to his boyfriend. Dean frowned at where Castiel was sitting, especially when there was a perfectly good (okay, it was old and crappy but still) couch right there.

Dean raised his eyebrows, "Cas, you can sit on the couch if you want."

"But I'm soaking wet," Cas said with a frown, "My apologies for that, by the way, truly I need to learn to drive."

Dean shrugged, sitting on the old blue couch, "I don't care man," he smiled, "besides, I'd rather have you sit with me anyways."

Cas smiled, sitting on the couch, "Well, if you insist."

Dean sighed, shaking his head, "Families, man. Dealing with them ain't easy, never has been and it never will."

Cas nodded, "Yes, I can attest to that statement."

"Yeah, well, I'm glad you walked over- I was worried about you when you left earlier, Cas are you okay?"

"Fine."

Dean sighed, "Cas..."

Cas was silent, staring at him, "Dean, could we... not? Please? I really just want to be with you right now, and not talk about that."

Dean nodded, "Sure, Cas. No one's better at ignoring problems than I am."

Cas sighed, smiling, "Good. For once, that's a good thing."

Dean nodded, glad to see Cas was relaxed for once. Everything had been lies and awkward silences and open stared lately, the last one Dean was used to- but honestly? He had been worried their relationship would be too strained with all the secrets there were.

He had thought Cas would get bored and leave, like everybody else. But Cas had proved him wrong, and Dean had never been so happy to be wrong. He had missed Cas, and he was glad Cas wasn't as nervous around him anymore; it made talking to him easier because now he knew what not to say.

"Yeah. Cas I'm- I don't know I'm glad you came over, I know things have been kind of difficult lately, so... I don't know, thanks for sticking around, I guess."

Cas stared at him, before kissing his cheek, "Don't worry Dean, I'll watch over you."

Dean laughed, "My guardian angel."

_"Y'know, we know you're the boss' brother- and kid he's named after the devil, so what does that make you? The innocent angel?"_

_Cas shuddered._

_"Not for long."_

He shook himself, before forcing a smile, "Yes, I suppose it does."

So, what do you want to do Cas?"

Cas frowned, brow furrowing as he thought. Dean smiled, admiring his expressions- he still loved to count them, and he'd found their number had grown over time. Sometimes for good reasons, sometimes for bad- but Cas was always fascinating to look at, and had only grown to be more so for Dean as time had gone by.

"Hm, where's Zeppie?"

Dean scoffed, "I'm starting to think you like the dog more than me."

He shrugged, "Maybe I do."

"Well, I wouldn't want you to be bored. I guess I'll just have to go get him," Dean said with a smile.

Cas followed Dean, smiling at the bickering. One thing which Castiel was constantly thankful for was how easygoing Dean was

"I shall accompany you to retrieve the canine."

Dean shook his head as the two stood up, "Would it really be that hard for you to just say dog?"

Cas shrugged, "It could be worse, I could address all animals by their universal scientific names."

"What is a dog's scientific name anyway? Well, nah, you probably don't kno-"

Cas didn't even blink, still looking for the dog as he spoke, "Canis lupus familiaris."

Dean smiled, shaking his head and rolling his eyes, "Of course you know the answer. What kind of a guy knows that?"

Cas shrugged, "I pride myself on having stored copious quantities of information within my brain."

Dean shook his head once more, "You're such a nerd."

"I am intelligent, and I will not be shamed for possessing this intelligence."

Dean scoffed, before whistling for Zeppie, "And modest."

"Yes that as well."

Dean rolled his eyes, smiling, "I was being sarcastic, Cas."

"Well I wasn't, I find myself to have a lovely personality."

Dean laughed, "Well, can't argue with the truth."

Cas smiled, "Exactly."

*

"You see, Agent Henriksen," Lucifer said with a smile, "My family says they don't like me- I know they don't like me, but what do I care? I care about my family, I do, but all they've ever done is brought me down."

_He never listens to them_

*

Someone was banging on the door.

"Cas! _Cas!_ "

Castiel looked at Dean for a moment, before putting the puppy down.

*

"They're foolish children, Mr. Henriksen- they need someone telling them what to do at all times."

He frowned, eyes widening as he spoke, "I _tried_ to give them order! Father yelled at me for trying to be independent, and _they_ said _they_ didn't need _me_."

*

The banging continued, "Cas open the door!"

*

Henriksen raised his eyebrows.

_He knows that they're the fools_

"They don't like me because I refused orders, the only thing they've ever been taught to do."

_They don't like him_

*  
Cas opened the door in a panicked rush to see Gabriel staring at him with wide eyes, rain pouring on him as he waited for the door.

"I drove here as quickly as I could," Gabriel said hurriedly, staring at Cas with worry.

*

"I tried to help them, but they said they didn't need me." Lucifer said with a frown.

He shook his head, sighing, "But they're _liars_ , they _require_ order. They _need_ it, they _crave_ it- hell they can't live _without_ it."

*

Castiel stared at him, wondering what could possibly make Gabriel of all people panic so?

"Gabriel, what's wrong?" He asked staring at his panicking brother.

*

_The fool on the hill_

"Dad wasn't a father to us, he was a _God_ \- everything centered around him, his word was God."

_Sees the sun going down_

*

Gabriel bit his lip before speaking, "Cas, it's Anna."

*

"We're his angels and our home was his kingdom."

_And the eyes in his head_

Lucifer smiled, "And without a God..."

*

Gabriel stared at his little brother, "Cas she's gone."

*

"The kingdom will crumble."

_See the world spinning around_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comments would really be appreciated! 
> 
> Thank you everyone for comments and kudos, this chapter is dedicated to saph, thank you for joking the reviewers your reviews are always nice to read- and also to destielswingmyheartacrosstheline you've been here for a while and I really appreciate it! Thanks everyone for helping me break 300 comments and almost 200 kudos!


	27. She's Leaving Home

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Castiel reacts to the news of Anna's disappearance. Dean and Gabriel help. Naomi tries to help. Crowley runs into a rival gang member or two.
> 
> WARNINGS: A serious panic attack, Sadness, mentions of suicide, mentions of past self harm, non consensual scene, Naomi being Naomi, violence.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ...
> 
> I LIIIIIIIIIIIVE!  
>  So tell me what mortal needs my protection! You just say the word and I'm there!  
> ...
> 
> *Clears throat* Anyways guys I am really, really sorry this took so long- towards the end of the summer my family went through some serious difficulties and I just couldn't write for a while. Then of course I had to start my junior year not long after this happened and I have had amongst all my work the worst writers block ever. But I finally got it down! Also my cat has been rolling on my keyboard so if either of my notes look weird I do apologize.

Castiel's eyes widened, "What do you mean she's gone?!"She's gone Cas, her side of the room is practically empty.

...

...

... 

' _Don't look to her bedroom after nightmares.'_

_'Don't you dare hope to see her_ you idiotic child.'

' _She's gone.'_

Cas paused, eyes wide before he shook his head, Dean looking at Castiel nervously as he spoke with his brother, "Have you called Amelia?"

_'She's gone.'_

Gabriel frowned, "Who?"

_'She's gone you pathetic sap.'_

Cas closed his eyes, gritting his teeth, "Amelia. She's a friend of Anna's, they're in the same nursing class, she's come over, they were in school together! That's- that's probably where she is."

His chest ached with something hot and constricting. His fingers flickered, feeling suddenly thin. Not real.

He was a scratch on the earth's surface. Dirty and fleeting like a lost path headed nowhere. The air in front of him held no map of Castiel.

' _But what if she's not there, Castiel?'_

How had air entered him before? Oxygen could not enter the nonexistent. He was too fleeting, he was invisible. He was a stretch of cells lived too long.

Anna knew how to help him. Anna found the thorns nestled in his heart and plucked with sad eyes and a kind voice. He felt poison festering in her absence.

His heart was sharp but the rest of him was soft. He was soft and faded. Fading, fading like breath on a dirty window along the cold streets.

Anna could help him. Dean could leave, Sam could leave. Meg, Bobby, Charlie, Jo, Ash, Jess, Gabriel they could all leave.

They _would_ all leave. It was okay, he knew how to be alone. But even in darkness he pretended to see.

A constant in his life had vanished without warning. Without a goodbye he was alone. His family was leaving.

They were fading like old photos in the living room. Pressed clothes and sewn smiles. Anna had smiled. Father had not.

Mother was gone.

They were peeling off his fingers like black ink. How could he be human without them? His family made his prints. They built the floor beneath his feet and set the sun above his head.

_'Simple, you aren't human without them_ , _Castiel_. Your fingers will peel like your mother's skin in the dirt.'

' _You're nothing without them, you're_ nothing. You spit acid and smile through a mouth of maggots.'

Father's head had mixed with the beams of joy from the sun. He was the sun. He gave them life and cared not how they lived it.

_'He left while you still claimed to be angelic.' 'You utter disgrace. You have fallen in every way.'_

_'Anna did her best. She tried to help_ you. But you fell from perfection the moment you left your dying mother's womb.'

_'Now you're not even human. You're a monster with a passport.'_

_'You're a liar.'_

_'A thief.'_

_'You drove her away.'_

Anna had not left him. She needed to be home. Castiel needed her to be home.

' _She won't be_ ,' the cruel voice whispered. 'You know she won't be there.'

_'Shouldn't you be used to people aba_ ndoning you by now?'

"Cas, we've been calling everyone we kn-"

He shook his head, "Well, there are other places you can call- maybe she went on a walk, she probably went on a walk you could be worrying over nothing- she probably just needed to get some air, no offense but sometimes our household contains rather stentorian individuals so Don't worry it's nothing it's nothing but we must look I'm not saying don't look because we _will look_. Perhaps she's at school or maybe she's just moving her stuff around. She wouldn't leave." He shook his head, whispering to himself, "She wouldn't leave." He looked up to Gabriel, giving him desperate, false answers. She was gone. A spider fondling his insides spoke the truth. He felt hot, fast scrapes against his lungs. The truth clawed him away. But fear clung to him. "She probably went to the university- or she could be with Balthazar or Raphael or Ezekiel or Rachel she could be anywh-"  

"Cas!" Gabriel shouted, placing a hand on his shoulder. 

' _She left because of you_ ,' the voice hissed.

His little brother paused in his rambling, misty eyes staring up at Gabriel. 

Cas wouldn't lose her, not after everything that had happened- Castiel wouldn't lose Anna, he couldn't. She was too nice, she was too sweet, she was too good a friend, she was too great a sister she was too- she was too... she couldn't be gone. 

She just couldn't.

Cas shook his head, not believing the news.

"Not Anna," he said weakly, voice cracking, "Not Anna."

Gabriel's breath caught when he saw his little brother's tears, and Dean stepped closer to Castiel, looking at him with worry.

Gabriel bit his lip, "Cas she- she left a note."

His eyes widened, "No."

Gabriel bit his lip once more,"Cas we've been looking everywhere but she's-

Castiel shook his head, pressing his hands to his temples, "No, no no no no-"

Gabriel stepped forward, hand outstretched, "Castiel I-"

"No!" Cas shouted, hands now clenched at his sides, tears streaming down his cheeks as he yelled, "No no no no _no_!"

Gabriel sighed, stepping forward, "Cas-"

Cas glared at his brother, "No!" 

Castiel slammed and locked the door, shutting Gabriel out. Dean stared at Castiel from behind, silent as he watched his boyfriend. 

Everything was fast. He'd moved, he'd begun shaking, Gabriel was outside, Dean was worried, Anna was gone. Anna was gone. Anna was gone. She was gone. Oh god she'd left. Oh god oh god oh god she'd left what was he going to do?! What was he going to do what was he going to do what was he going to do?! She was gone!

She was alone she'd left and she was alone and he would live the rest of his life without her- god she'd left a note she was gone she was gone she was gone.

Castiel's world stopped moving, it hit him like glass shattering against the floor.

Anna was gone.

She was gone.

Anna was gone. 

Anna was gone. 

Anna was gone Anna was gone Anna was gone- **AnnawasgoneAnnawasgoneAnnawasgoneAnnawasgoneAnnawasgoneAnnawasgoneAnnawasgoneAnnawasgoneAnnawasgoneAnnawasgoneAnnawasgoneAnnawasgoneAnnawasgoneAnnawasgoneAnnawasgoneAnnawasgone.**

It was as if she was dead to him.

Oh god what if she _was_ dead?! Oh god what if Anna'd finally had enough?! No **no nononononononono! Anna wouldn't do that Anna wouldn't do that! Ohnowhatifshewouldwhatifshewouldwhatifshewouldwhatifshewould**?!

What if she she was dead and it was all his fault?! Why didn't he say something why didn't he say something?!

Dean broke out of his own trance as Cas continued to shake, screaming.

He stepped closer to Cas, heart growing heavy at the awful sight before him, "Cas. Hey buddy, Cas no- Cas, Cas I'm here. You're not alone I'm here, please baby please stop screaming-"

Annewasgone **AnnawasgoneAnnawasgoneitwasallhisfaulitwasallhisfaultitwasallhisfaultsheleftsheleftsheleftsheleftsheleftheshouldhavesaidsomethingheshouldhavestoppedherheshouldhavebeenthereheshouldhavebeenthereheshouldhavebeenthereheshouldhavebeenthereAnnawasgoneAnnawasgoneAnnawasgonewhatifAnnawasdeadshecouldbedeadshecouldbedeadshecouldbedeadAnnawasgoneAnnawasgoneAnnawasgoneshecouldbedeadshewasgone** -

When had he started screaming? 

"No!" Castiel ripped his hands through his dark hair, tears streaming down his cheeks, "No no no no!"

Oh, so he was screaming.

"Cas," Dean stepped closer, "Cas please! Listen to me!"

Castiel was sobbing, he could feel his lungs expanding and shrinking, inhaling sharp air too quickly- his body shaking with cries. 

AnnawasgoneAnnawasgoneAnnawasgoneitwasallhisfaultitwasallhisfaultitwasallhisfault-heshouldn'thavelefther, he shouldn't have left her!

Cas was too scared to deal with Naomi and he had left Anna! He was a coward! He was a coward and pathetic and disgusting and a waste of space! No wonder Anna left he was disgusting, he was pitiful!

 In his panic Castiel thought of all the terrible things that could be happening to her, **images of ropes and razors flashed in his mind.  Anna could be dead and it was all his fault! He deserve to live his life alone! He deserved her leaving! No she'd be okay, she'd come back! No she wouldn't! No she wouldn't!**

"Cas please!" 

"No," Castiel fell to his knees, shoulder shaking. "No no no no- no!"

Cas was crumpled on the ground, crying and screaming- gasping for air as he continued to utter the same word, over, and over again. Dean walked closer to him, he couldn't let Cas think this was his fault- it wasn't! He didn't deserve to think that way!

"H-hey," Dean felt his throat growing thick, "Cas please, please- this- this isn't good for you. This is bad-

Cas stiffened, head snapping up at the word.

He moved his shaking body away from Dean, staring up at him in fear.

Dean stood above Cas, looking down at him with sadness- more likely pity, Dean probably realized how disgusting he was- no wonder Dean thought he was bad, Dean wanted to change him, he was going to punish him-

"No no no no no _no_ ," Cas whispered to himself, shaking his head.

Dean wouldn't do that, Dean wouldn't hurt him.

Dean knelt down to Cas, voice cracking as he spoke, "Cas I- I'm sorry. I'm sorry I didn't mean it that way, god I'm-" Dean shook his head, what was wrong with him? 

Couldn't he help someone? That was his job- this was Cas, and god if ever Dean was to save someone, he wanted to save Cas. He wanted to help. And dammit he was going to.

Dean gently laid his hand on Cas' shoulder, causing the shaking boy to look up. He needed him to stop crying, it was too awful to watch. If he would just talk to Dean.

"Cas," Dean said softly, "please?"

Cas shook his head, "No."

Cas continued to cry, his family was falling apart- he had been given the chance to fix it, and what had he done?! He had run away, Castiel had abandoned his family! Someone in the house had been breaking down behind their lies, and he had left.

Ha.

Perhaps that was just the Novak way. 

_'Your father certainly seemed to think so.'_

"No no no no," Cas muttered.

_'She's dead.'_

"Cas, c'mon man- ya gotta look at me."

"No."

_'She's_ dead _.'_

"Cas-"

_'You killed her.'_

"No," Cas snapped. "No no no!"

"Cas! Look at me- look at me, Cas."

Cas looked up at him, shaking, why did he have to lose Anna? Why? **Hadn't he lost enough? And why did he have to react to this rationally? Why couldn't he sob and throw people out? Why did he have to be a functioning individual? Couldn't he just curl up and die?! Why did he always have to be good?! Maybe he just wasn't! Maybe he wasn't good at anything! Maybe he would always be wrong and bad and wasn't it about time he just accepted that?His hands tore through his hair as he breathed heavily, it was okay it was okay it was okay he would be fine he would be fine-**

No no no no he couldn't lie to himself lying was bad and what was the point if he knew the truth?! The truth was he was bad and wrong and could never do anything right! Everyone knew Cas was wrong and they ran away, Anna had run away because of him!

He ran his fingers through his hair, nails scraping his scalp vehemently. **Breathbreathebreathe breathebreathe just breathe just breathe- breathing's essential breathe breathe breathe no he can't he can't he can't he can't breath just relax relax relax something's digging into his scalp something hurts what is it it's grounding he needs it he needs more of the pain he needs it he needs it he needs** -

"Cas, stop!" Dean's pulling his arms, why is Dean pulling him? He doesn't like it. He wants it to stop- stop it- stop it- stop touching him stop touching him the pain's going it's stopping he needs it!

"No!" He was pushing Dean away, Dean was trying to hold his arms down- why? Why?

"Cas you-you're hurting yourself, _stop!_ " Dean's trying to push his arms down now, he's holding him from behind.

Warmth was underneath his nails, running down his fingers- what was it? Oh. Blood, blood was caked beneath his fingernails. Perhaps he had attacked his scalp too vigorously, ah well, it had been a nice reprieve. 

Something else was now wet against his skin. Salted misery coated his cheeks, but these were not his of his own making. Cas looked to his boyfriend, Dean was crying. Castiel now noticed the slight tremor of the hold he was in, he hadn't realized Dean was shaking as well.

Dean was crying.

A part of his brain clicked, _Dean was crying._

Cas shook his head, "No. _No_."

He couldn't make Dean cry, he refused to.

"Hey, hey- I'm sorry, I'm sorry I just- you were hurting yourself Cas." Dean had tears running down his cheeks as loosened his hold, lowering to the floor though still holding Cas. "I'm sorry, I'm so sorry."

Cas shook his head, struggling against Dean, he'd made Dean cry he needed to be let go, "No, no."

Castiel's pulls grew weaker as his body shook, _why_? Why was Dean crying? Castiel was bad, he was not someone worthy of tears and why had Dean stopped him? Cas had been grounding himself, he had been handling the situation. 

Cas' cries quieted as he lay against Dean, crumpled. He was too miserable to care about the pain the position caused him, he had enough pain to focus on as it was.

"Shh-h-h, I'm here Cas. I'm here," Dean whispered with a shaky voice. "I'm here."

Cas said nothing, staring down at his blood covered fingernails.

Dean shook his head, "I'm so sorry Cas, don't worry we'll find her we'll find her."

"N-No, no, no," Cas mumbled, shaking his head, they would never find her- he would never see her again, and if they did find her, she would hate him.

"Cas, hey, hey - we'll find her. We'll find her," Dean soothed. "Don't you worry because dammit I'm gonna find Anna, I'm gonna find her."

"No," Cas said softly, "No. We won't f-find her, we w-won't."

Dean leaned over, hugging him. Cas' shaking pale hands were feeble and still cold from running in the rain, they trembled as they wrapped around Dean's back, closing around him.

Cas sniffed, crying softly, "Anna _h-hates m-me_ , and when Gabriel f-finds out _he'll_ hate me- me too. It's my- it's m-my-my f-f-fault."

Another tear slid down Dean's cheek, why did Castiel always have to suffer? Why did he have to feel so low? It wasn't his fault dammit! He didn't deserve this!

"Hey Cas, I'll help you find her okay. She's only been gone a- what a few hours? She can't have gotten far. We'll find her, she'll come around."

Cas shook his head, tears running down his cheeks,"No, no no. She's never- she's never-" he stifled a sob, "sh-sh-she's never coming ba- _h-h-hack_ ," Cas cried, shoulders shaking with sobs. "I ruined her! I ruined everyth-h-h-hing! She hates me, she _hates me_!"

" _Cas_ ," Dean said with a thick voice, "listen to me- she does not hate you. She does _not_ hate you." 

Dean laid his hands on the sides of Cas' face, bringing it up to meet his own.

Dean shook his head sadly, tears running down cheeks, "Anna _loves you_. I _know_ she does, I've seen her- she loves you so much. You gotta believe me man, you didn't do anything wrong. Maybe you made some small mistake, or maybe you just feel like you did I don't know what happened, but I do know _you_. You care about people Cas, and you damn well care about Anna- and she knows it. She cares about you too Cas, and Gabriel cares about you, and _I_ care about you."

Some words went unsaid.

Cas needn't have heard the words.

He knew.

Glassy blue eyes looked up at him, tears running down his cheeks. Cas stared at Dean, offering a forced, watery smile. Dean was here, and for that he was thankful. At least Dean wouldn't leave, at least- for _whatever_ reason- Dean wasn't disappointed in him.  Castiel stared at him, before his gaze dropped to the floor. He wiped his nose, sniffling- this was ridiculous, he needed to pull himself together.

"I'm sorry," he said softly. "I don't know what's wrong with me."

Dean shook his head, pulling back from Castiel, wiping his eyes, "It's fine Cas, you don't have to apologize. Especially not to me."

Castiel smiled softly at the statement, but it didn't reach his eyes- which had changed from glassy to dismal. He had laid against Dean, and was now lying on the floor, silent in his now somber mood.

Anna was surely dead, she had been called such terrible names for so many years. Castiel stared off, thinking of what he should have done, what he could have done if he wasn't so selfish. He should have paid more attention to her but he was too concerned for himself.

"I just... I'm going to miss her," Castiel said dejectedly.

He looked down at his bloody nails impassively, before speaking, "You know, she used to help me with this- the bleeding."

Dean said nothing, green eyes sadly staring at Castiel.

Cas sighed, "I think it was just another way I burdened her, really. Besides requiring... rides, food, money because I didn't have a job- I- I ruined her life, you see, I took everything from her and I didn't even know it. All her life she looked after her younger sibling, she worked at school for hours. She was studying nursing," he smiled sadly, "Anna's always been so smart."

He cleared his throat, "But um, she would take care of this, she helped me to stop... _bleeding_ , so often." 

Castiel laughed facetiously, "She tried so hard, Dean- honestly I wish I had tried harder to stop, she probably missed out on a lot of important things because of me." He laughed again, "what else is new?"

Dean bit his lip, "Cas, don't give up yet- we've only just found it, maybe finding her will be easier than you thought."

His eyes rest their gaze on the floor, hopeless, "No. No she's gone... she's gone."

Dean stared at Castiel, before speaking, "We'll find her Cas. I'll help you, I know Gabriel's going to want to help, he's probably outside anyways, we'll get Amy-"

"Amelia," Cas said softly.

"Right, Amelia, and we'll pull together- don't worry." Dean smiled softly, "We're gonna find her, okay?"

Cas looked up at him, nodding despite his belief.

He spoke softly, "Okay."

*

_She shook her head as Naomi slammed the door shut, leaving the house. After Naomi restated her cruel opinion of Anna, she left her alone to regret ever being born. Gabriel had left long ago, never one to stick around for any fights within the family._

_Anna sighed, she was so sick of fights within the family. She just wanted everyone to stop fighting, to be able to live in the same house without yelling and screaming at one another. It wasn't fair for Anna to be blamed, she had only discovered the truth three, soon to be four, years ago whilst her elders had known since their father had left._

_And after that, Naomi blatantly refused to treat Anna civilly._

_"Why should I?" Naomi had hissed._

_Michael had sighed and offered nothing more on the subject, the truth being that Michael withheld the same opinion. Anna knew this to be true; despite Michael's past intentions to display otherwise, she knew Michael blamed her for faults she could not control. When Anna first learned who she was, she had been ashamed of herself, but as time passed she grew to accept who she was and realized it wasn't her fault._

Wednesday morning at five o'clock as the day begins

_She had been trying to show her family this for years, all except Castiel, of course. Castiel was never to know, not until the others had come to terms with it as well- Anna knew she shouldn't lie to her brother, but she couldn't chance him turning from her as well. Now, however, Anna knew better than to hope for acceptance._

Silently closing her bedroom door

_Anna had considered running many times, she'd even packed a bag- but she'd never actually carried this plan out. Naomi had called her a coward once, when she saw the emptying bag. She smiled grimly, at least Naomi could no longer say she hadn't tried._

_She had constantly been accused of never trying, 'if you really cared about us you would leave' Naomi had said._

_Well, she thought as she finished packing, now she was. She grabbed the rest of her money, now thankful for her constant working- school, cleaning, working, and still having time for her family had been difficult, but she'd do it again. For all the cruelty she had received from Naomi, and Zachariah, and cold stares from Michael- Gabriel and she had always been friends, and she loved Castiel with all her heart._

_Anna had always been there for Castiel, long before and long after anyone else had thought to pay him mind. It was for that reason, and only that reason, Anna wrote a goodbye. Leaving without a word would be too cruel, Castiel and Gabriel deserved something._

Leaving the note that she hoped would say more

_She sighed, what if she had done something differently? What if she had said something else to Naomi? To Michael? What if she had left before their Uncle came to him visit as she had been told?_

_Anna couldn't help but doubt herself as she went downstairs. Maybe if she had listened to Naomi they would have respected her decision, and therefore respected her, perhaps they would have allowed her visits. Anything would be more than what Anna would receive now._

She goes downstairs to the kitchen clutching her handkerchief

_Anything would be more than this, never seeing her family again, never sleeping in her bed again, never- Anna sighed, no, she had to stop thinking this way. There was no need for her to think so negatively, things would be better now._

Quietly turning the backdoor key

_She shook her head, dismissing anything from her mind other than the press of her bags against her shoulder. Anna smiled at her car as she opened the door, she could go wherever she wanted and no one would shame her. No one would yell at her for matters out of her control or berate her because of their religion._

Stepping outside she is free

_The warmth of spring encouraged Anna from the porch as she slowly approached her car, before deciding to run the short distance. She could travel, she could meet new people, she could live for herself- she didn't need to take care of unappreciative siblings or hide from cruel relatives._

_She was free._

*

"I don't know why everyone's so worried," Naomi said in irritation.

_She_

"So Anna's stuff is gone, big deal. She'll come back, we all know she doesn't have a life outside of the house anyways."

Castiel sighed, eyes closed as he bit his tongue, determined not to become angry. Truly he knew it to be a futile attempt, for Naomi had long ago decided to provide the entire car with her insulting and superfluous comments. Anna had been missing for four hours, and Naomi was already dismissing the thought of showing any concern.

_We gave her most of our lives_

Gabriel said nothing as he drove, avoiding the argument, he had neither the patience nor the time to argue with his sister. Naomi sat next to him in the passenger seat, Dean and Castiel sitting in the back of Naomi's car. Michael would have joined them as well, but he had yet to return from work- something obviously more important.

To leave work would to be to act out of order, and Heaven forbid a Novak should do anything arbitrary.

_Is leaving_

"Has Michael told either of you when his shift will end?" Castiel asked with a frown, looking to his siblings.

Gabriel shook his head. "Wish the guy would tell me anything, but no I haven't gotten a word out of 'im."

_Sacrificed most of our lives_

Naomi scoffed, "he's probably doing something important."

"This is important too Naomi," Gabriel said with a frown, tired of his sister's snippy side comments.

"I'm not saying it _isn't_ , but do we all really have to stop our lives every time Anna gets upset?" She asked in irritation.

_Home_

Dean glared at Naomi, huffing out an angered breath. God if it wasn't for Cas' pleading stares Dean would have snapped at her an hour ago. Geez her sister was missing, and she was just being a bitch about it.

He would never be so selfish if Sam went missing, hell, Sam _had_ gone missing before! He'd gone to a fucking cabin when he was twelve and spent a week with a dog, and where was Dean then? Oh, that's right, he was busting his ass driving everywhere trying to find him!

_We gave her everything money could buy_

He wanted to use the impala but of fucking course it was sputtering, geez what the hell? They needed another car and if Michael wasn't being such a pompous dickbag they'd have one. Seriously, what the hell was wrong with this family?

Dean was starting to see why Cas liked to stay at his house so much.

Yeah it was a shitty apartment, and yeah it was just Dean and Sam but at least they weren't self centered dicks who didn't have any loyalties.

They were brothers dammit- they were family and family takes care of one another, they don't scare the shit out of one another or make them scared to have friends or make them suffer because they could. Dean hadn't forgotten about Naomi threatening Cas if he didn't get home soon over the phone, or Cas panicking when he accidentally fell asleep at Dean's house, or Lucifer leaving Cas to be raped, or the insults Cas had whispered to Dean which Naomi had screamed at him or Anna before, or any of the shit they had done to one another.

_She's leaving home after living alone_

God no wonder Anna had ran off. No wonder Cas had been so scared to tell Dean about that sick fuck who claimed to be a preacher. Yeah maybe the Novak's had a big family but Dean's apartment was just he and Sam and even that was homier than being with Cas' family. It wouldn't surprise Dean if Anna or Cas felt lonelier there than they did anywhere else.

He sighed, obviously they were both scared. Their family was built off of spite and competition. They probably didn't know how to trust one another.

_For so many years_

"Y'know, I have other things to do," Naomi huffed.

Gabriel sighed, "I know you have children's lives to ruin, but right now you'll just have to stick to ruining ours."

Castiel stared out the window, ignoring his siblings bickering and Dean's concerned eye. He just wanted to find his sister, something he feared was to be impossible. Despite his best efforts not to, he couldn't stop himself from fearing the worst. What if Anna was dead? The thoughts would not leave his mind, and as they continued to drive all Castiel wanted- even if he never saw her again- was for Anna to be okay. He bit his lip, _'Anna where are you?'_

_Bye bye_

*

Anna sighed, perhaps this hadn't been the best idea after all. She knew she should have planned this more in depth, it was all too rushed. Too forced.

"Excuse me, miss, is this seat taken?" Said an older man, raising his eyebrows.

She shook her head, "Oh, no, feel free."

_Father snores as his wife gets into her dressing gown_

Anna sighed, focusing on her drink as the man sat on another bar stool. Other than he and Anna, the bar was nearly empty. This worked to her advantage, a crowd would take away from her planning. She needed to think this over, was leaving really what she wanted to do?

_Picks up the letter that's lying there_

She couldn't help but think of Castiel finding the letter. Oh she would hate for that, Castiel couldn't be the first to find that letter. It needed to be Michael, or even Naomi- Gabriel would be moved, but he could handle this better than Castiel.

Or perhaps not, considering how often he ran off to his job and stayed out until midnight and left for work. But since when did anyone in her family know how to deal with the truth? Nevertheless, it could not be Castiel who first discovered her absence- she hoped it would not be.

_Standing alone at the top of the stairs_

She could imagine it now, his horror, his loneliness upon realizing she would never return.

"Are you alright miss? You seem rather lonely," the man said, interrupting her thoughts.

_She breaks down and cries to her husband_

Anna shook her head once more, "I'm fine, rest assured."

He frowned, "Are you alone here?"

"No, my boyfriend's in the bathroom."

_"Daddy our baby's gone_

The man nodded, still staring at her.

_Why would she treat us so thoughtlessly?_

Anna bit her lip, before going off to the bathroom, "I'm gonna go check on him."

_How could she do this to me?"_

Anna shook herself as she walked to the bathroom. She sighed heavily as she leaned against the wall, resting a hand on her forehead. What was she doing? Urgh why did she have to be this way? Rather, why did her family have to be this way? Why did everything have to be so extreme?

She sighed, how did she get herself into this?

*

Dean sighed, closing the phone, "My dad hasn't answered yet." He looked over at Cas regretfully, "I'm sorry Cas."

_She_

Castiel shrugged, speaking softly, "It's okay."

_We never thought of ourselves_

"Oh quit trying to make everyone feel bad for you Castiel," Naomi said in irritation from the passenger seat.

Dean glared at her, "Do you always speak your mind so loudly?"

_Is leaving_

Naomi stared at him, turning from her seat. "Only when it's true."

Gabriel glared, "Naomi calm down, we're almost there."  
  
She only frowned in response, never one to respect someone as low as Gabriel.

_Never a thought for ourselves_

"Gabriel, where do you plan to ingress anyways?" Castiel said with a frown.

"We're going to a bar. Don't give me that look Cas I'm driving there on business. I took Anna there once in a while after work, and she came here in September with Am... Amelia and had a bit more than she could handle."

_Home_

Naomi snorted. Castiel ignored her, remembering how upset Anna had been.

"God, Castiel! Not everyone is a head case like you!"

_We struggled hard all our lives to get by_

Cas sighed as he remembered his sister's discontent. Perhaps she was happy being away from them. Maybe Anna was better off this way.

_She's leaving home after living alone_

"Cassie, we're here."

Cas nodded, showing no emotion as he stood form his seat, opening the car door and allowing Dean to step out before closing the door. The four stood in front of a rather malodorous bar, alcohol still in the air. Castiel said nothing, showing nothing. It was not wise for him to become emotional when in search for Anna; he would be of no use if he allowed his emotions to get the better of him, as he had earlier.

_For so many years_

He stepped out.

_Bye bye_

*

"You know missy," the man said, "it'd be a lot easier not to get lost if you knew where you were going."

Anna looked at him, "Well that's been a bit of a problem lately." She stepped onto the ground, approaching the door. She would find no purpose here.

The cold air freshened her mind, and she walked to her car, forming a plan.

"A lady really shouldn't be alone," said the man from the bar, walking up behind her.

Her pace quickened, "Thanks but I'll be fine, my boyfriend's waiting for me in the car."

"Now we both know that's a lie dear."

Anna's keys tightened in her grip as she broke into a run, keys ready to strike if necessary. Stay calm, Anna, stay calm. Hands grabbed her, slamming her against the brick wall, causing thoughts of calm to cease in a moment. She kicked her legs at any part of the man she could reach, thrusting her keys into the top of the older man's hand.

He hissed, before chuckling, "A fighter, huh? Interesting, from what I heard your brother wasn't much of one."

Her eyes widened, "What do you-"

**BANG!**

The man cried out, yellow eyes dropping to his leg as he fell. Anna fell to the cement, ground hitting her as hard as what she had just witnessed. She looked up from the ground to see a suited man rolling his eyes, despite his smile.

He spoke with an English accent, "Really I've got to stop running into you Novaks this way."

*

"Castiel, do clean yourself up," she said with a frown as she closed the car door.

"Naomi would you _shut up_?" Gabriel said with a frown.

Honestly Gabriel'd prefer to have left Naomi at home, but with Anna going missing they needed everyone they had. Even if not everyone liked Anna, which Gabriel knew to be true in some cases. Even though Naomi was a judgmental asshole, at the end of the day she didn't know shit about Anna.

"Well he looks look like a mess," Naomi said with disdain. "Castiel, your face is covered in tears and snot, pull yourself together."

Dean closed his eyes, trying to control his anger with Naomi, _'don't hit girls don't hit girls don't hit girls.'_

Castiel said nothing in response, taking the insults as he always had. Finding Anna was more important than whatever Naomi could think of to say to him. He'd let his emotions take over earlier, and he had no intentions to do so again.

She rolled her eyes, "You were raised to be better, don't be pathetic."

Castiel's subdued expression faltered when he heard Naomi's comment. He smirked, insulting himself, Naomi was perhaps the only one who really saw him for the disappointment he was.

Ha, he was not as good he was supposed to be.

Ha.

Ha.

 **Ha** ha.

**Haha!**

Cas laughed darkly, before staring at Naomi, nodding with a somewhat concerning smile. His cold, dark blue eyes shone with unabashed darkness as he smirked at his sister.

"We would not want me to be..." He chuckled, "we would not want me to be bad, would we?"

Naomi scoffed, "Just wipe your face, you look like a punished child."

His eyes widened slightly and his face cleared of smiles of any form, returning to it's natural phlegmatic state, "Of course."

Dean glared at the exchange between the two siblings, finding it harder and harder to refrain from yelling as the day wore on.

"What the hell is your problem?" He said with a frown.

Naomi raised her eyebrows, looking over at Dean, "Excuse me?"

Castiel frowned, shaking his head, "Dean, not right now."

Dean's eyes switched to Castiel, "Then when? When is she gonna quit screwing with your head? When is she gonna quit treating you like shit, huh?"

"I treat him in no such way, it's simply that someone needs to keep order among everyone," Naomi said calmly.

Dean stepped towards her, still glaring, "Yeah, that means we'd need a leader- not a queen bitch."

She sighed, as if she was speaking to an incompetent child, "That language is hardly necessary, sometimes others can speak so harshly. Dean I am simply trying to protect my family at whatever costs. I fight my own battles as you have; I'm a warrior, just as you are. You and I are on in the same, we have more common than you think."

Dean's glare deepened, "I protect my family, I don't push them into corners."

She frowned, "I don't understand you Dean, you say I have troubled Castiel when all I have ever done is raise him the best I know how, I've reached out to him and tried to help him. Now Anna is missing and we are falling apart, and I- I'm scared, for all of us."

He scoffed, "save it, I don't trust Cas' family which means I don't trust you."

She raised her eyebrows, looking at her brothers before returning to Dean, "And yet you're here working with us."

His eyes narrowed, "I'm here for Cas, not his twisted bitch sister who treats him like shit."

She sighed, "You cannot think his actions are my responsibility," she looked at Cas, disappointment in her eyes before returning to Dean, "he's changed over the years. He's been unstable in the past but I was shocked at how damaged he's been lately."

It was as if a red hot rage suddenly possessed Dean, he stepped far past Naomi's personal boundaries and quite frankly he didn't give a shit. He was too pissed to care about something as unimportant as personal space right now. God no wonder Cas was so scared he lived with an emotionally retarded psychopath!

His glare became murderous as he got in Naomi's face, "How damaged? How _damaged_?! I'll fucking tell you about his damage you fucking bitch he-"

" _Dean!_ " Cas said with a glare. "Not now."

Dean huffed out in anger, stepping away from Naomi, not giving a damn how ridiculous he might seem. God he hated Naomi, god he hated her _so much_. She was just pushing Cas further and further into himself, his whole family was making him build walls of repressed emotion around himself, and Dean should know how well _that_ worked out. No wonder Cas hated crying so much. God maybe if people had let him know once in a while he was a good person he wouldn't be so convinced Anna's disappearance was his fault. Maybe if they'd actually watched him he wouldn't be terrified that a priest was going to come back and rape him!

But Cas would never tell his family, he would continue to lie to them until those who were concerned deemed him okay. It was becoming so much clearer to Dean. Cas was never going to tell his family, he'd probably never planned to even tell Dean. Instead of the truth, Cas was just gonna keep lying and putting on a mask.

He sighed, ' _unstable_ '; she didn't know the half of it. Try terrified raped child with no one to go to.

Dean put his face in his hands, breathing deeply, trying to subdue his anger. Shit, he just wanted Cas to be happy. That's all he wanted.

Dean looked up at Cas sadly, "Fucking _when_ Cas? Fucking when?"

Cas' cold mask returned, "I have no idea what you are speaking of."

*

"I tell you, Lucifer's friends have naughty tendencies. You know, for the supposed bad guy I'm starting to feel like quite the knight in shining armor," the English man mused, staring down at Anna. "

She stared up at the man, mouth dropping, "Who-who..."

She shook her head, clearing her mind, before looking up with an accusatory stare, "Who the _hell_ are you?"

He sighed, "You Novaks really aren't the friendliest bunch, are you?"

Her eyes narrowed ever so slightly, "How do you know my family?"

The man smirked,something Anna had gathered he did often. Her frown grew as she leaned against the dirty brick wall, glaring up at the suited man before him. She saw no reason to trust him but unfortunately she also felt the need to hold back, perhaps there was more to the young man than she saw.

"I'm familiar with a few of your brothers, if you must know. I familiarize myself with quite the interesting bunch, what with the homicidal brother and the suicidal brothe-"

She jumped to her feet in a moment, "Don't talk about him like that."

He raised his eyebrows, smirking, "Interesting, how you seem to know which is the latter. Most of your family would insist they don't- say I'd lost my chickens."

Anna's eyes narrowed further as she stepped towards the English man, "How do you know him?"

He smirked, "Castiel's tendencies did provide me amusement now and then." The smirk dropped, "however debts have been paid and while he may have been a thorn in my side at times, I admired his dexterity and I did kill a man or two for him."

Her eyes widened, "What?"

He smirked, "it means I like you."

_"What?"_

"Well I kill for all my friends," he said calmly, he gestured to the man on the ground, "you and I have only just met you see so I merely shot him in the leg." He frowned, considering the situation, "A lot could come from a leg shot, there's a potential for acquaintanceship. I killed six men for your brother, but don't be jealous things can change."

She stared at him, mouth hanging open, "What?"

He sighed, "I can see you've been knocked off your rocker so I'll backtrack. The name's Crowley, your brother- not the depressed one and not the crazy partier- is an arrogant asshole, though I suppose that could be confused with Michael. Anyways, my point is your family's not too far from being mommy dearest and I'm here to help you get the hell out of here."

She frowned, "You mean Lucifer?"

He sighed again, "Yes yes keep up with me your world's crashing at your feet you should be paying attention. Your older brother's the leader of a gang, cliche I'm aware but it's your fucked up family not mine. So since you seem to be hopeless on your own and Lucifer's grown tired of being ignored in his own house what say we get you out of here so one of his men doesn't spill your guts on the ground, hm?"

"Thanks but I'd like to hear that from my brother," Anne said with a frown.

"Won't work love, Cas did more than fulfill his job and I refuse to remain in someone's debt even if it's unaddressed. We both know I owe him a favor so I'm doing what he always asked me, watching out for you-"

_Cas frowned, nodding, "I'll do as you ask, but keep my sister out of it."_

_"The one from hell?"_

_"Crowley we are all named after angels. But Anna."_

_He nodded, "not the one from Hell."_

"That means keeping you out of danger."

Her brow furrowed, "Watching out for me?"

"You don't think he knew you could be in danger? What with you neither you or Lucifer fitting into the Brady Bunch Lucifer's going to try and get you to join him, he's going to scrub the stain off the family portrait, which is you. Lucifer's gone, never home, in and out and running the biggest gang I've ever seen. That could be you, he's out to make that you."

Anna frowned, pointing an accusatory finger at Crowley, "Okay first of all, I don't even know you. Second of all the decision to leave is mine and if my brother is in danger and I want to stay then I damn will."

She frowned, turning on her heel, "Let's go."

Crowley sighed as he followed her, "Novaks."

*

"Yeah she was here not too long ago," the woman said from behind the register, "was saying something about a ticket."

Gabriel nodded, Naomi only frowning in response. Dean frowned, he wished he could be of more to help to Cas but his dad hadn't answered. Without his dad Dean knew he was next to useless.

Castiel's eyes widened as he leaned over the bar, "A ticket? Where?"

"I don't know sweetie, I'm sorry."

Naomi sighed, shoving Cas aside, "Mam is there anything you can tell us about our sister? Did she use a credit card? Did she pay in cash? Was she in a hurry? How much money did she have?"

Cas' eyes widened in disbelief at Naomi's outrageous comment, "You think so low of her as to accuse her of theft?" He hissed.

She shrugged, "Wouldn't be the first sibling."

"Look, all I know is that your sis walked out of here not a half hour ago," her eyes narrowed ever so slightly, "she was alone and she paid in cash if you must know missy."

"Was she speaking with anyone while she was here?" Castiel asked, biting his lip.

Her eyes softened as she turned back to him, "Well she was talking to an older man, not much really but he sat next to her and they spoke a bit. He left not long after she did, but they didn't seem to really know one another."

Castiel bit his lip, "And this man? Could you at all describe what he looked like? I know you may have not seen him but any details, however infinitesimal, would be helpful."

The woman nodded, "Of course dear, well... he was a white man, he appeared to be middle aged, and he had dark hair."

"Thank you," Naomi said coldly.

The woman nodded curtly.

The woman's attitude towards Naomi forced Dean to hold back a smug smile. He _knew_ he and the brothers weren't the only ones who disliked Naomi.

Cas nodded, "Yes, thank you very much."

She looked up, smiling, "Of course sweetheart, I hope you find your sister."

Cas' lips lifted briefly in that awful forced smile that Dean knew so well, and he nodded. Dean bit his lip, stepping closer to Cas, ignoring Naomi's eye. Apparently she was not naive to the woman's distaste directed towards her.

"Yes we'll be going now," Naomi said with a tight voice, exiting the bar.

Dean smirked to himself as the group walked out and into the parking lot, if Naomi was to make others suffer, he was glad to see that she had to as well. Yeah maybe that was kind of dickish thought but he didn't really care. He just wanted to find Anna, and make Cas feel better.

He knew he wasn't the only one who wanted to fix this situation. Dean had felt Gabriel's stare many times throughout the day, right now for example. Gabriel was hesitating to follow the group, biting his lip as Dean had seen both Anna and Cas do on numerous occasions.

"Dean?"

He raised his eyebrows as the two slowly followed Naomi and Castiel, "Yeah?"

"You're keeping an eye on Cas, right?"

The young man frowned, "Course I am, you know Cas and I watch out for one another."

"Yeah well, I'm just making sure. Anna's always been so much better at talking to Cas than I've ever been, she always knows what to say to Cas and it seems you do too."

Dean scoffed, "I wish, trust me your brother never fails to confuse the shit out of me."

Gabriel chuckled, "Yes, he's good at that isn't he?"

Dean smiled softly, looking at Cas as he followed after Naomi, he was such a good guy. The Winchester knew that if he was in this situation, he could never put up with Naomi. Dean knew most of it was due to Cas' fear to stand up, but it was also that at the end of the day Cas really loved his family.

Cas loved so strongly he couldn't understand when others didn't. He was trying so hard to find her Dean saw how baffled Cas would get over Naomi's attitude, his loyalty was admirable. His kindness was admirable too and his sarcasm- really everything about him was admirable.

Cas was so sweet and funny and unique, if he wanted to he could tell Dean stories for hours, these stories could be about anything. Once they'd had an entire conversation on a geography book Cas enjoyed. God was he smart- and fun too, Dean had seen eyes widen in excitement if a song he recognized came on.

Dean had seen a lot of Castiel Novak, and he couldn't think of one moment he'd turn away no matter the darkness.

The smile grew, "Yeah, yeah he is."

Gabriel turned back to Dean, "Look I know our family's batshit crazy, believe me I know- but Cas really likes you, so please, don't let us get in the way."

Dean frowned, "Are you kidding? My family runs into danger when everyone runs away, and do you know who does that Gabe? Crazy people. Trust me, we're crazy- and even if we weren't, I like your brother too I'm not gonna be a dick and walk out just cause things get hectic."

He nodded, "Good, we've had enough walking out on this family as it is."

Dean grimaced, "Yeah, I've heard about that one."

"Cas told you about dad?" Gabriel said with a frown.

"Yeah, should he not have?"

Gabe shook his head, "No, no it's nothing like that... it's just... Huh, guess he does like you."

Dean felt his insides squirm with deeper knowledge of Cas, knowing Cas couldn't have told Gabriel about that disgusting creep from the church. Preacher, no, that's not what he was. Preacher's were supposed to be the good guys.

"Yeah Cas and I talk about stuff now and then," Dean said with a shrug.

"Yeah, well, our dad was quite the character. Don't get me wrong, he loved us- I know he did- but he did a shitty job of showing it."

Dean chuckled at the similarity, "Oh the stories I could tell."

Gabriel raised his eyebrows, "Bad dad?"

He nodded, "Not the best."

"Well no need to feel ashamed here kid, I got a dead mom and a who the hell knows where dad. I won't judge, much as I love myself a good Hallmark movie I have no desire to reenact any."

Dean laughed, "There's not much I'm good at, but trust me if you want to avoid having a conversation, I'm the expert."

Gabriel chuckled, "Trust me no one in this family needs any help with that. Cassie probably needs some help opening up actually, honestly, I'm impressed he and you get along so well. He's not exactly a social guy, he doesn't talk to people."

"Well...it's not just me Gabe, I'm not that great. Meg and Cas talk often enough to be considered friends, she seems to know him better than I do most days if we're being honest."

Gabe shook his head, "Trust me, Meg probably struggles more with Cas than you think- don't be so hard on yourself, you're great for him. Honestly I'm his brother and I feel like I don't know shit about him some days."

Dean shrugged, "Sometimes being family feels that way."

His eyes narrowed, "He didn't talk to me for eight months."

Dean opened his mouth to speak but found himself unsure of what to say, "Uh...well- um, hey if it makes you feel any better I couldn't see my brother for three months."

Gabriel bit his lip, "Well that bites. Guess we're not poster boys for the Brady's huh?"

"Maybe the Adams."

Gabriel laughed, "Sounds accurate." He frowned, concern flashing in his dark eyes upon looking at Dean, "Things are better in some aspects for us though, right?"

Dean glanced over at Cas again, before smiling, "Right."

Gabe hummed, apparently pleased with his answer as he spoke in a soft voice,m"Well you seem like a good guy Dean- but don't be a dick, or I'll kill you. Trust me, I've got my mom's spirit and if there's one woman I wouldn't set on someone it's her."

Dean chucked, smiling, "I don't plan on being one."

"Good."

They continued to walk, before Dean began to look at Gabriel out if the corner of his eye, aware if the opportunity before him. He didn't want to overstep his boundaries and ask Gabe any personal shit, but this was an opportunity to learn more about Cas, and he'd be lying if he said the thought hadn't occurred to him. Much as Dean wanted to ask, he wasn't one to share sob stories and knew Cas wasn't either.

"Hey Gabe?"

He raised his eyebrows, "Yeah?"

"Uh, about your- about your guys' mom... What- what happened to her?"

"Cancer. She'd been in remission for three years and then it just... came back, I remember thinking that when I was little she'd been fighting cancer and pulled out fine. I figured she'd pull out this time too, but she didn't."

Dean nodded, "Sorry to hear that."

He shrugged, "Thanks- the way I see it thought it's been 18 years now. There's not much anyone can say or do to change it. Believe me I watched people try, my dad was really religious before but if he didn't go crazy with it after she died- everything had to be perfect, we all had to be examples and show what a great mother she'd been by being the best we could, making her proud."

Gabriel's expression darkened for a moment as he chuckled, "I guess making her proud didn't include sticking around, he certainly didn't. But whatever it's passed, not much we can do about either of 'em I guess. Families are fragile I suppose."

Dean shrugged, "Sometimes glass breaks, and the only thing you can do is only try and pick up the shards," he scoffed, "even then your fingers are cut."

"Well I'll be Dean, you're gonna make me cry, that was beautiful."

Gabriel smiled, "I tell you our mom was beautiful. Julia, mom, was awesome we all tried extra hard to make her proud after she died- especially Cas. I remember once he was trying to do some school project and some glue wouldn't dry, he was so mad, so I asked the kid what was wrong. He said he wanted to make mom proud, and he didn't want Julia-mom- to think he'd forgotten about her."

_Cas' eyes widened as he realized he'd almost forgotten one of the most important names, "and Julia!" He rushed to recover._

_Dean raised his eyebrows, "That a Beatles song too? Why didn't you just say it with he rest, Cas? Of course, that is a lot to rememb-"_

_"I like Julia," Cas said softly._

Dean nodded, "Yeah, sounds like him."

"He's a good guy," Gabriel said, "he really is."

"I know, and I wanna help him find Anna."

Gabe smiled, "Well then my friend, you've come to the right group of people."

*

_Friday morning at nine o'clock she is far away_

"Now," Crowley said calmly, looking at Anna, "you know what a risk this is right? Walking into open fire?"

_Waiting to keep the appointment she made_

Anna frowned as they continued to walk down the broken road, "I know that my brother was almost killed and that I am going to help him."

_Meeting a man from the motor trade_

He rolled his eyes, "Yes yes you love your brother that's beautiful and I'm thrilled but you need to know that you're in danger."

_She_

Anna nodded, she'd suffered for this family before. Anna had been screamed at and called every name in the book by Naomi. She'd watched Michael's stares of complete disappointment for years. Each visit from Zachariah had consisted of a child of red running to a sour man, happy to see an uncle who'd never love her.

_What did we do that was wrong_

Who'd never love the abomination which he knew had spoiled the pure family.

_Is having_

Despite all her work, she was never enough- her father quickly entrusted to be a mother before telling her it was okay to be his daughter. To tell her it was okay to be a part of the family, she would be loved and accepted.

_We didn't know it was wrong_

Of course she wasn't, so he wouldn't.

_Fun_

It was okay, because most of the time Naomi was polite- she had to be professional-'so it was fine, and Michael wasn't mean he was just disapproving. Despite all of what she had to put up with, the two were behaved enough that she could deal with it. She always death with these issues, but she was tired of listening to others, it was time to do what she wanted.

Anna wanted to see her little brother.

"Look I appreciate what you're trying to say, but I'll be fine."

He sighed, "I don't think you're _hearing me_ , Anna dear. I shot a man in the leg so you could escape, I am fulfilling a deal- I am keeping my end of the bargain and if it is required I will _knock you out_ , _tie you up,_ _and ship you off_ to another part of the country in a van to keep my end of the bargain. Harsh as that may sound it's far kinder than the fate you would be dealt were Lucifer were to find you, tell me do you _like_ being forced to join gangs? To slit throats for a living? Do you _enjoy_ being forced to turn into something so despicable you become prideful over it because killing is all you know? Do you enjoy knowing that you have a child somewhere out in the world from all of your little adventures? Do you enjoy knowing he could look you in the eye one day and see nothing but a demon? All because of a bloody _relative_? Tell me would you enjoy that? Because I didn't, and I don't think you will either."

"Crowl-"

"Get out," he hissed, "leave. Go. _Now_."

She glared at him, "I'm not leaving just because yo-"

He glared at her, hissing once more, "I'm serious- stop talking and listen for once, hear the engines and the laughter?"

She paused, hearing some rather frightening, maniacal, drunken laughter approaching. Anna looked beyond Crowley and saw a car speeding towards them.

Oh no.

Crowley raised his eyebrows in affirmation, "Yes those would be your lovely supporters, looks like you're the Bonnie to my Clyde, so get out of here before we're caught."

Anna's eyeshadow widened as men rushed out of the car, she grabbed her keys, "What about you?"

"You think that little key's gonna save me?! Get out of-"

"Fergus," the blonde said with a smile.

Anna's eyes widened at the pretty girl before them.

He smiled, "Lilith pardon my rudeness but why don't we skip the formalities tonight? Both you and I have places to be, things to do, people to kill."

She smiled once more, the poisonous expression spreading like a disease across her cold skin, "Yes, I suppose we do."

The girl circled the pair, sharp eyes displaying a cruel sense of pleasure at having found them, "One aspect of yours I always admired Crowley, you're strictly business."

Crowley's eyes showed no emotion as he continued to speak in an impassive tone, "I like to keep myself unattached when I leave, lust not love Lilith. What would I be if not my professional businessman self?"

"Yes you are quite the professional, aren't you Fergus?" Lilith said with a smirk, as others emptied out of the car. "Which is why I know you'll listen and come quietly?"

Crowley smirked, pulling out his weapon, "If there's one thing I won't do quietly, it's come."

Lilith smirked at the response, Anna hid her face.

*

"What a dreadful woman," Naomi said with a sneer.

Gabriel rolled his eyes as he closed the bar door behind them, "As charming as you may be some people may still hate you, I know I know, it's shocking."

Dean frowned, "Wouldn't kill you to not be an asshole, I'm sure that'd help."

Naomi turned on her heel, glaring at him before turning to Cas, "You know I am getting fed up with this delinquent running around with us."

Dean scoffed, rolling his eyes at the comment before his lips pulled back into a forced, mocking smirk. Despite this expression his eyes held no mirth or confidence, only a frigid acknowledgement was shown in his eyes.

Castiel frowned at this, biting his tongue to keep quiet. Castiel could handle insults directed towards him, he had been dealing with them all his life, perhaps they hurt on occasion but they would always be tolerated. This, however, would not.

She frowned, before turning back to Castiel, "Why is he with us, Castiel? Was Anna not dirty enough for you?"

Castiel's eyes narrowed a fraction, "I would suggest deterring from the subject of this conversation, sister."

Her eyes widened, "Excuse me?"

Gabriel looked over at Cas, smiling at the exchange. God he hoped this was what he thought it was.

Cas frowned, "The path you have chosen is not wise, if you continue holding yourself to such vindictive decisions life will not serve you well."

Naomi's eyebrows rose ever so slightly, " _Vindictive?_ You think me unreasonably _vengeful_ , Castiel? You think my anger is without _reason_?"

He bit his lip, "I..." _'No no no continue, stand up for yourself, stand up'_. "I think- I think your judgement..."

"Can you not speak again? Shame how that seems to keep happening," she said with an icy tone.

Dean glared at the woman, "I'd suggest you stop talking."

Her eyes narrow, "When have I ever listened to suggestions from someone as blasphemous and foul as you?"

Castiel glared.

_'Stand up for Dean.'_

"I think your judgment is without need."

"Castiel do you know what your sister _is_?"

Gabriel frowned, "Naomi it's not your place to-"

Her eyes narrowed as she stepped closer to Castiel, "She _destroyed_ our family! She sent our father packing without a _word_ of regret! You know what?! I don't blame him!" She sneered.

" _Naomi_ ," Gabriel hissed, "can't we speak of this somewhere more private? Or preferably not at all?"

Her eyes widened mockingly, "Oh, you would like me to consider the family? Well thank you for the offer, but no, I held my tongue around Castiel for years, I tolerated Lucifer's disgusting addictions for _years_ , I pretended Anna was normal for _years_ and do you know what that got _me?_ " She hissed.

" _Nothing_ ," Naomi said with a glare, "only a broken family finally allowing themselves to break. Father left and it was all her fault I tried to be strong and good and listen and my stupid 'sister' ruined it for me. She ruined it for _everyone_ , she should have left a long time ago but she didn't- you know what though? I don't care that she's gone!"

Castiel's eyes widened at the proclamation, before his eyes narrowed. How could she be so simple minded? How could she be so selfish as to blame a man, their father's, mistake on Anna? She had been as much a child as Castiel was when their father had left.

Naomi smiled, "Yep, now I can shout it to the world- I'm not worried about Anna going missing, I'm _glad!_ I don't need her poisoning our family anymore! I'm tired of being nice to that _vile_ abomination, I'm tired of all of this! I don't need her here and neither does anyone else."

Her eyes narrowed, the quick change in emotions was a stark contrast to her normal cold personality. Castiel didn't like this, and he could tell by Gabriel's attempts to silence Naomi that he was not alone in that regard. Dean frowned at Naomi, biting his tongue to hold back his argument, he knew this was not his battle to fight.

"Do you wanna know _why_ I hate you and Lucifer and Anna so much?" Naomi said coldly, a cruel smile creeping up her face.

"You _disgust_ me. Lucifer is a worthless psychotic addict, he stinks of alcohol and brings home sluts and disappears for days. You're pathetic, always going against rules for your love and acceptance, you don't care about anything but what you think is right. If you did you wouldn't be such a bad fag-"

Cas flinched at the word bad.

" _Hey!_ " Dean shouted in anger.

"Don't you call him that! _Don't you fucking say that to him_ you shut the fuck up _right now!_ Whatever the hell your sister supposedly did isn't Cas' fault, and I'm not gonna stand here any longer and have you give him shit because he's one of the few people in your family who has a soul! You don't have the right to treat your brothers and sister the way you do, and certainly not Cas! Now maybe I'm a..."

He threw his hands up in the air, exasperated, "I don't know a- a blasphemous, _sex loving, glutinous, Satan worshiping, criminal_ and whatever the hell else you wanna call me- I really don't give a fuck-but you got no right talkin' to Cas like that. You're family and if I learned one thing from my fucked up family it's what families are _supposed_ to be."

"Families are _supposed_ to be loving, they're _supposed_ to be _kind_ , they're supposed to care about you and treat you like an equal and ask if something's wrong they're supposed to  
laugh and be fun and make you feel better they're supposed to tell you it's _okay_ to like guys and look you in the eye when they talk to you and make you feel _accepted_ \- they're supposed to be _there_ for you!"

_Fun is the one thing that money can't buy_

"Your parents are gone and look I know that sucks, but you had the opportunity to become closer to your siblings- to look after them and be there for them and show them not everything goes to shit and you just took that opportunity and fucking destroyed it. You guys are family, you're the big sister you're supposed to be there for your brother. I don't understand how you could look at this little kid- I just don't understand how you could see someone who's someone so great as 'ba'- 'pathetic' or 'awkward' or whatever the hell else you claim him to be. Because you know what?!"

_Something inside that was always denied_

"I've been by his side for _eight months!_ Getting to know him, hearing him shout and cry and laugh and joke and scream and be an awesome person and I don't regret a damn _minute of it._ I hate to be that cliched guy but I guess I am cause I've been dating your brother for four months and you know what, I'm _proud! I'm proud of us!"_

_For so many years_

Dean's anger drained as he stared at Naomi, face full of sadness.

"Why aren't _you_ proud of him? Why aren't you proud of _Anna?_ You say you're the older sibling, but I know what it means to be the older sibling."

_Bye_

"Naomi how can you not understand? I just don't get it, you're supposed to _be there for them!_ But you cast them out and make them scared to go to their _own homes!_ I'm there for _Sam_ , I'm _always_ there for Sam!"

_Bye_

He looked at Naomi with pity, "What in the hell did Anna do that was so bad that'd make you not wanna be there for her?"

_She's leaving home_

Naomi frowned, "Simple, she's not our sister."

"Her name's Anna Milton."

_Bye bye_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you enjoyed the chapter! Now do you see why it took so long? This was such a long chapter! Comments would really be appreciated, what did you guys think of this chapter? Was it good? Bad? Did Cas' reaction make sense? Did you like hearing a bit of Crowley's back story? How'd you feel about Dean and Gabriel!'s conversation? Did you like Dean's angry speech/yell? Are you worried about Zeppie? Do you wish Pluto was still considered a planet? Whatever you wanna say, feel free!


	28. Julia

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Flashbacks. Gabriel takes a serious stand against Naomi. Crowley deals with Lilith. More flashbacks. Dean and Cas talk. Dean, Cas, and Gabriel go for a drive.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry it took so long between updates! I really tried to be quicker this time but this chapter is just so long! Thank you for staying with me everyone, it is amazing the feedback and positivity I have received. I hope you continue to enjoy the story!

Julia

_Anna breathed in deep, oak filling her every sense. Tall, dark trees filled the edges of her vision, the old, crackled bark cool beneath her fingertips. Even the aged scent and taste of the forest greeted her._

_The little girl stretched her arms out, fingers waving in the cool winds; she loved the forest right before dusk gathered the sky. Mother loved this time as well, and because it was now December she said they should go out and enjoy the sun one last time, before winter came around._

_Mother loved autumn, she said she liked to watch the leaves dance to the floor. Anna loved the way her mother spoke, Naomi said Anna should look where she was going. Anna frowned, wait, why?_

_"Anna!" Naomi called with a frown, "I said look where you're going!"_

Half of what I say is meaningless

_Oh, yes she wasn't supposed to spin. Anna bit back a grin, she would be careful- Naomi was too worried she'd hit a tree or something silly. Anna knew she was more mature than that, they would both be six soon anyways! She'd be careful._

_The five year old kept spinning, "But Nai it's fun!"_

_"_ Mommy _, Anna's not_ listening _," Naomi huffed._

_Julia smiled softly, walking up to her grumbling daughter, "Now now Naomi, do leave Anna to my attention. Do not worry, run off and play dear, Anna's merely excited."_

_"Yeah I'm 'cited!" Anna said with a grin, as she spun around, watching the colorful canopy of trees spin with wonder._

But I say it just to reach you

_"But sweetheart," Mrs. Novak said with a raise of an eyebrow, turning to her other daughter, "don't you know you could fall?"_

_Anna stopped, biting her lip, "Yes mommy."_

_Julia smiled fondly, "You're not in trouble Anna. I just don't want you to be injured dear."_

_"Yeah loser, don't be a klutz," Gabriel said with a grin, running past her._

_Anna went to chase him but Gabriel tripped her, laughing as she stumbled. Michael and Lucifer shook their heads at their younger brother, the three boys running through the small clearing as they played tag._

_"_ Hey _!" Naomi said with a frown, crossing her arms as Gabriel ran off._

Julia

_"Mommy, Gabiel called me a klutz, and tripped me!" Anna pouted, pointing her finger at the laughing blonde boy._

_"I say we push him, then we'll see who the klutz is," Naomi grumbled._

_Julia laughed, before shaking her head, "Naomi I have the matter under control rest assured."_

_"Gabriel!" Julia called with a sigh, "be nice to your sister!"_

_"I_ am _mom!" Gabriel pouted, turning back to his mother as he threw his arms in the air, "We're just playing!"_

_"Well I've been informed to believe otherwise young man," Julia said with a smile._

_"I didn't mean for to get hurt mom, I was just tricking her."_

_Naomi rolled her eyes, "It's not nice to trick people Gabiel."_

Julia

_Sometimes Naomi felt she was surrounded by a bunch of kids. She shook her head, children. Hmph, well, at least she was mature. All of her stuffed animals had places in the cabinet, they were all going to change the world with politics._

_Well, at least Anna understood her. Anna always understood her, that was part of why they got along so well. Even if Anna wasn't as serious as Naomi, they were still best friends. Naomi liked it that way because then she could share a house with her best friend, which she'd always wanted to do._

_Besides Anna was Naomi's twin, which made it even better. Having a sister was cool but having a twin sister was even more satisfactory because she understood how annoying having three brothers was at Naomi's age._

_"Gabriel!" He said with a huff, crossing her arms._

_Anna's eyes widened in emphasis, "That's what she said! Gabiel!"_

_Gabriel rolled his eyes, "Never mind."_

_"Yeah Gabiel, quit making a big deal about it," Lucifer said with a smirk._

_The other eight year old smiled, "Don't complain so much Gabiel, it's unbecoming."_

_"Yeah yeah," the six year old grumbled._

Julia

_Gabriel sighed, walking over to his mother grumpily, "I'm just playing with Mikey and Lucy, why do I always get in trouble?" He frowned, "Everybody's out to get me in trouble. A guy tricks his sister one time and everybody holds him to it."_

_She rolled her eyes, ruffling her son's hair, "Yes well, it's not nice to trip people, Gabe honey." She looked at her handful of dirty blonde hair and smiled, "You mister, are in need of a haircut."_

_He crossed his arms, "I don't want a hair cut, mommy. Mikey and Lucy have short hair, I wanna have long hair." He grinned cheekily, "I'm a unique ray of sunshine to their dark and dreary world."_

_She shook her head, "You're something alright Gabriel. Now, no more tripping people okay?"_

_"But mom! I was just_ teasing _, it was only a trick."_

Julia

_She rolled her eyes, "Well whatever it was, no more." She ruffled his hair, "Okay my little trickster?"_

_Gabriel ducked away from her hand, shaking his hair as he ran off to play, "Yes, mommy."_

_Naomi frowned, "I still say we trip 'im."_

_Julia laughed, "Yes well, tripping people is not the way to deal with your problems Naomi."_

Oceanchild

_Mrs. Novak knew Naomi had a spark within her, she protected her family with a ferocity that sometimes had to be calmed. Anna was a happy child, if sometimes a tad carefree, whereas Naomi was more impassioned. The two sisters were a good mix, and Julia hoped with all her being they would stay that way- sometimes late at night, the fear of the two girls learning the truth frightened her._

_Julia knew she had made a mistake, though Adriel would likely never forgive her if he were to find out. Of course, she and Adriel had stopped honestly conversing years ago- the man was too stubborn for his own good. She tried not to let it bother her, she knew her husband came from a strict, somewhat cold, home and that he could not always relate to family._

_Still, she wished Adriel would see his family more often- or see them at all, even when the children stood before their father he was never truly looking at them. Julia knew he loved he children, she did, and she told the children as much- but it had often occurred that one of their children would score a point in a game, or do well on a test, and only then would Adriel acknowledge them._

_This was not a healthy way for the children to see their father, someone you had to impress, but it was how they saw him nonetheless. Adriel paid for attention to his work an his religion, than he did his own children. He was more concerned with how others saw his family, than learning about them._

_Adriel rarely remembered their birthdays, it was Julia who celebrated with the children and made celebratory breakfasts. Unfortunately, what with both Adriel and Julia working, the children did not have a parent at home as often as Julia would like. Thankfully Adriel's brother, Zachariah, was always more than happy to watch the children for the couple as he had no children of his own._

_She patted her stomach lightly, she hoped she could be around more for this child. Julia had only discovered that she was pregnant a few days prior, and she was still thinking how to tell her husband. She knew Adriel could be rather negative, and she was worried of how he would react to having a sixth child._

_The younger three knew of the sixth child, by accident of course. Julia had no intention to tell the children before speaking with Adriel, but the girls has been playing dress up with her clothes and seen the bag of clothes. Anna and Naomi then ran off to tell Michael and Lucifer, but Gabriel had asked what they were doing and had convinced them not to tell Michael and Lucifer_.

Calls me

_"I just thought it'd be cool to have a secret," Gabriel has said sheepishly upon Julia's questioning._

_It seemed Julia was blessed, for if Gabriel had not convinced the girls not to speak with Michael or Lucifer they surely would have. Michael and Lucifer would have then likely rushed off to tell father, convinced he should know._

_"I hope our new sibling will be nicer than you, Gabiel," Naomi said, sticking her tongue out. "You big meanie."_

_Gabriel grinned, "If you're lucky he'll be just like me."_

So I sing a song of love

_Anna frowned, crossing her arms, "And what makes you so sure the baby will be a boy, Gabiel?"_

_"Cause my awesomeness could never reach it's full potential in a girl."_

_"Girls are jus' as awesome as boys!" Naomi huffed. "In fact, they're more awesome!"_

_"Yeah, an' that's why we need another!" Anna said behind her sister, crossing her arms._

_"Gabriel there is no need to doubt the worth of someone merely because of their genitalia," Julia said, shaking her head fondly at the bickering._

_"See!" Gabriel said with a frown, "I'm always gettin' in trouble!"_

Julia

_Julia smiled, shaking her head. She loved her children dearly, each one with all her heart, despite any arguing between them. Adriel was not always open with his love for the children._

_"I just thought it'd be cool to have a secret," Gabriel has said sheepishly upon Julia's questioning._

_It seemed Julia was blessed, for if Gabriel had not convinced the girls not to speak with Michael or Lucifer they surely would have. Michael and Lucifer would have then likely rushed off to tell father, convinced he should know._

_"I hope our new sibling will be nicer than you, Gabiel," Naomi said, sticking her tongue out. "You big meanie."_

Julia

_Gabriel grinned, "If you're lucky he'll be just like me."_

_Anna frowned, crossing her arms, "And what makes you so sure the baby will be a boy, Gabiel?"_

_"Cause my awesomeness could never reach it's full potential in a girl."_

_"Girls are jus' as awesome as boys!" Naomi huffed. "In fact, they're more awesome!"_

Seashell eyes  

Windy smile

_"See!" Gabriel said with a frown, "I'm always gettin' in trouble!"_

_Julia smiled, shaking her head. She loved her children dearly, each one with all her heart, despite any arguing between them. Adriel was not always open with his love for the children._

Calls me

_Adriel had been nervous to have three, but because of the twins they had ended with far more children than either had anticipated. Julia didn't care if she had ten children, she loved them with all her heart, regardless of their financial situation._

So I sing a song of love

_Unfortunately, Adriel was not as positive. He was constantly grumbling about work, and the problems of having five children running about. He loved them, but both parents knew Adriel would prefer to raise soldiers to children. Regardless, Julia was confident Adriel would love their child._

_As long as she was around, nothing would harm her baby_.

Julia

*

Castiel frowned, disbelieving to what he had heard, "What are you talking about?"

"Her name's Anna Milton, not Anna Novak. She's been lying to you since the day she found ou-"

"Okay if Cas is gonna know then let's be honest! This isn't a 'drag Anna's name through the mud' fest!" Gabriel said angrily.

"Well what do you want me to say Gabriel?" Naomi shouted, "How can I put this in a nice way?"

"Why don't we allow _Anna_ to regress the information?" Cas said with a frown. "I'm glad you want to protect me or however it is you see your clandestine schemes, but this is ludicrous."

"We can't protect him forever!"

"Oh god Naomi quit being so dramatic! It's not even a big-"

"Castiel your sister's a bastard!" Naomi shouted angril.

There was silence, Castiel only frowning at his sister, Dean and his siblings waiting to hear his reaction.

He shook his head, "That's impossible, you two are twins."

"Oh Castiel, you might but be _pathetic_ but you're not _stupid_. We're not twins. We were conceived in the same month, we're from the same ovulation period, we share the same mom, we were born on the same day, but Anna's a bastard regardless."

"No that can't be true. Anna's-"

"Not your sister, she's not mine either. She's not anyone's sister, unless whoever mom was with had his own kids. Anna is a bastard, we didn't know until sometime after dad left. That's why he left Castiel, don't you see? She made him leave! She tore this family apart!"

Gabriel frowned, "Naomi I think you're being a bit har-"

"I'm telling nothing but the truth, brother!" Naomi said with a glare. "We all know it to be true! Dad left because of Anna! We all found the journal when we were going through mom's stuff! Anna was playing with Cas and none of us told her! None of us told her how it was her fault dad left! How she was just a product of mom's drunken fucks! We didn't tell her how father found out that his wife got a bit lonely when he was at work and started whoring herself around, I bet that slut would've snapped open her legs for any man that-"

**SLAP!**

Naomi stared at Gabriel in shock, covering her cheek from the harsh hit.

Gabriel glared at her, speaking with hatred, "You listen to me Naomi, I am sick and tired of your shit. I don't give a flying _fuck_ about what you think of our mom, but that's what she was! Our mom! Not yours, not mine, not Cassie', not Anna's! _Ours_! So you watch your mouth when you talk about her! Don't ever let me hear you talking about her like that again, _ever_!"

She glared at him, saying nothing. Dean and Castiel stared at the two siblings, shocked into silence as they stood before the unfolding scene.

"She was our mom dammit, she did everything for us! She made our food and tucked us in and _she_ was our parent! Not dad! Do you know who dad was before mom died?! Because I don't! In fact I don't remember _seeing_ him! He was never there! _Ever_!" Gabriel shouted, glaring at his sister. "All he ever did was scream himself hoarse when we weren't perfect, in fact that's one of my earliest memories! Michael and Lucifer were playing and Michael broke a window!"

Gabriel laughed darkly, "Yep, that was it. That's my first memory, good start I suppose considering that was most of my life after mom died, then there was even more yelling than before."

He scoffed at Naomi's silence, "Ya know, you like to put him above anything, above me, above Anna, if dad had suddenly changed and said God wasn't real we all know the first two siblings that'd become atheists! Ya see, you pray and you worship and you jam love and faith down everyone's throat, but the truth is you don't know a thing about it."

Naomi's frown deepened, her eyes burning with anger as she glared at Gabriel.

"You don't know a thing about love, you've spent most of your life pushing people away and arguing and making sure to please dad but guess what? It still didn't matter. Everything you did? It didn't matter! I guess you're a real _Ren McCormack_ because dad left and there was _nothing_ _you could do about it_! You spent most of your life doing everything he said, forget you two _talking_ about God you were _playing_ God. Dad was the big man and you were his little angel flitting at his side even when he didn't want you there."

"So dad left after you pushed yourself to be in all those precious clubs and sports and receive all those academic awards and _it didn't mean shit_! It didn't 'to mean shit to the man!"

Gabriel sighed, shaking his head.

"You know some people are afraid of you in our house Naomi, and you like it because it makes you feel like dad- but I'm not afraid of you. I might be sick of dealing with you and have given up on getting along with you, but I'm not afraid of you. In fact I pity you, even Michael and Lucifer have friends. Maybe Lucifer's are gang members but people are loyal to him, maybe Michael's gone all day but he goes off to friends from work. You don't have any friends, and you know what? I would feel bad for you, this girl who used to panic that she wouldn't please her dad and didn't stop to make friends. I would feel bad for you, but we were there the whole time! Cas was there for you, I was there for you, we never left!"

"I know how it feels to be yelled at by dad, boy do I know. Cas does too. We could've been closer because of this, we would've _been there for you._ You have a twin sister for god's sake!"

Naomi spoke for the first time, "She's not my-"

Gabriel stepped closer, glaring down at his sister, "I swear to god, I am not going to hear you disown her. I don't care who her dad is, okay? I don't care that mom had too much to drink, okay? I don't care. Dad was a shitty guy, for someone who preached about love and forgiveness he sure didn't know a lot about it. He was always bitching to mom if the house wasn't perfect or if one of us made a mistake, I'd seen him scream at her 'til she cried. He didn't love her. He didn't love any of us. He left and he didn't look back and you know what that's not Anna's fault. Dad didn't leave because he found out he wasn't Anna's dad, Dad was waiting for a reason to leave. Personally I think you should be thankful he didn't stick around to see anyone else mess up. Then they would've been given the blame."

Cas bit his lip at this, watching Naomi who had long ago given up fighting Gabriel. A small frown was the only sign of her feelings.

"What if you'd done something Naomi? What if you'd flunked something or gotten pregnant or we found out you weren't dad's kid and that caused to Dad to finally leave? How would you feel?"

Gabriel stepped back, still glaring, "Well, you think about that. I'm gonna go find Anna, she doesn't have to be your sister, but she sure as hell is mine."

*

_"Father, father I got an A!" Naomi said with a smile, looking up as her dad returned from work._

_"Good," he grumbled, walking past her._

_The six year old frowned at the response, before running after him as he walked into the kitchen._

_"But daddy, I got the highest grade in the class! See?" The redhead proclaimed, waving her paper about._

_Adriel stared down at her, frowning, "Naomi, don't you have homework to do?"_

_She faltered, "I- I just thought you'd like to s-"_

_"I've heard, now run off and do your homework Naomi, if you want to keep those A's keep working. I don't have time for this I have a meeting to go to."_

_"But-but you just got back-"_

_He glared at her, "Naomi! Leave me be, I have to go soon."_

_Her eyes met the floor, hiding her tears, "O...okay, daddy."_

_Naomi slumped, wiping her eyes as she walked down the hall. Julia bumped into her daughter, as she was carrying piles of laundry and didn't see her. Naomi fell back with a surprise, crying out._

_Julia's eyes widened, "Oh Naomi, sweetheart I'm so sorry I didn't see you."_

_The little girl looked up, tears running down her cheeks, she hiccuped, "I-hic-"_

_Mrs. Novak put down her clothes, bending down to her daughter, "Honey, I'm so sorry I didn't mean to-"_

_"Daddy- hic-_ hates _me," Naomi whimpered, walking to her her mother._

_Julia gathered her daughter in her arms, she really did hate to see her children upset. The fact that it was so often causes by their father broke her heart. Part of Julia thought she should divorce her husband and ask for full custody._

_Adriel was not fit to be a father, he was always working and when he was home he was always complaining about the family. Julia thanked God for the children she was so blessed with, they were the only loving people in this home and she did love them, oh how she loved them. If only her love was enough, for the children pined for their father's approval, something Julia herself wondered if she had._

_She wrapped her daughter in her arms, hair the color of leaves mixing with bright hair the color of apples. Naomi had her eyes and hair, but everything else was that of her father's._

_"Sweetheart your father does not_ hate you _, he_ loves you _. He loves_ all of you _," she said softly, wiping a stray tear from her daughter's face._

_"No he- hic- doesn't. He never wants to- hic- talk to me, he doesn't like me mommy. He always yells at me and- hic- gets mad."_

_Julia bit her lip, before giving her daughter a hug, "Sweetheart I will talk to daddy. I'm sure he's just upset about work, okay? You didn't do anything wrong Naomi."_

_She sniffed, before wiping her nose, "O-hic-kay, mommy."_

_She smiled down at her daughter, kissing her head, "Now, I'll go and deal with your father. How about you go and play with Anna, okay sweet?"_

_Naomi smiled, "Okay."_

_Julia smiled softly, releasing Naomi, allowing her to bounce off to the stairs and run off to find Anna. The smile disappeared as soon as the child did, in it's place an irritated frown. Julia walked into the kitchen, still wearing her frown, and crossed her arms as she looked at her husband._

_Nothing was said for a time, as often was the case, before Adriel realized she was standing in the room. He raised his eyebrows, frowning at having been interrupted during his few minutes in peace. The newspaper was folded as he regarded his wife, waiting for a greeting._

_When none came he grew impatient, "_ What _?"_

Her hair of floating sky is shimmering

_"You yelled at one our children again," Julia said in irritation._

_He sighed, "Is this really what you're interrupting me for?"_

Glimmering

_She raised an eyebrow, walking so she stood in front of him, "Excuse me? I'm interrupting you? How about I've been trying to finish dusting and I hear a grunt and Naomi cries which interrupts us? Why does it seem that no matter the day we're having here, you always seem to come home and obstruct any ease we are feeling? Adriel I love you but you have got to be more patient with the children."_

_"_ More _patience?" He said in irritation, "Do you know how often I wake up from a nap to hear children running about or trip over a toy when going downstairs? How can I be patient with children who display no desire for patience. Each one does as they please my opinion matters not."_

In the sun

_"You are too hard on them, they all love you dearly and wish nothing more than to please you. Adriel, I love you and I know you work hard, but the children need to see you." She stepped closer, "I need to see you."_

_He frowned, stepping away, "You think I don't care about you? About the children?"_

_Julia's eyebrows furrowed and she titled her head, staring at him, "That's not what I mean at all Adriel, you misunderstand me. I don't disregard you as some grumpy businessman, I miss you because I know you're more."_

_"Yes well, your faith in me doesn't raise my faith in the children. Try as you may Julia, these children are rambunctious and irresponsible."_

_"Adriel that is not-"_

_"But how would I know, Hm?" He said in irritation, "is that what you're going to say? How would I know because I'm gone?"_

Julia

_Her eyes narrowed, "That was not what I was going to say Adriel." She sighed, eyes begging to be understood, "Listen to me, listen to me as you once did, as you claim to still do. See me, as you once did, I have been a housewife for such a time Adriel and I worry you no longer see me as anything more."_

_"I have to leave so I'll cut this short- what do you think yourself to be?" He asked with a frown, "Something more?"_

_Her eyes widened in anger, "_ Excuse me _?"_

Julia

_Julia had held her tongue for years, far many more than she would care to admit, as she thought she should she be grateful that her marriage still existed. This marriage could have easily been destroyed after she went to a bar, after she woke up in a stranger's bed with a twisted feeling in her gut._

_She had felt dirty and wrong, she hadn't meant to do anything- she and Adriel had gotten into another argument that night, this one had been terrible. Adriel and Julia had screamed themselves hoarse, yelling and biting and snapping at every little thing they could. She had cried, he had screamed, she'd had to hide the boys._

Morning moon

_Julia had been angry, she had missed feeling loved and wanted and she'd had too much to drink and she'd made a mistake. As soon as she woke up she'd felt to be with Adriel, waking up next to him almost felt good for once. She'd really wished she could say she'd felt loved, but she'd just felt even more trapped than she had before._

Touch me

_That had been six years ago, and no one knew but Julia. She'd held her tongue, hoping that if she was more patient she and Adriel would become better partners._

_Unfortunately, Adriel was an asshole._

_Adriel sighed,"Julia I really have to go so please come down from your seat of superiority, you may be mother of the year but I provide for this family. I love you Julia I do, but what more can you be seen as?"_

_Her anger grew, "I expect to seen nothing short of what I am!"_

_"Then consider it done!" He barked, "I've already stated you for exactly what you are!"_

So I sing a song of love

_He glared before speaking once more, "Do you know why I was angry with Naomi? Because I am angry with these children, I hear nothing but cries of 'where is father?' 'Dad how come you couldn't make it to my game?' I don't have time for these children, I work all day to feed them and upon coming home I'm swarmed by them. I'm surrounded by children or coworkers or bosses, I can't even sleep alone in a bed! There is always someone by me and sometimes I wish to be alone!"_

Julia

_She said nothing, glaring at her husband, angry with him for being so awful and angry with herself for letting this go so far. The two had been at odd ends for so long, she had trouble remembering when they had fought on the same side._

When I cannot sing my heart

 _"Do you know_ why _I am unhappy when I come home? Because I'm unhappy with my life. I did not plan on having five children in a house I couldn't afford with a job that doesn't pay well and a wife who stays at home."_

I can only speak my mind

 _She glared at him before hissing in anger, "Well I'm sorry your life has become such a_ disappointment _!"_

Julia

*

"Crowley, I think you'll find Lucifer's offer to be quite tempting," Lilith said with a small smile.

He scoffed, frowning at the blonde, "I run a drug dealership sweetheart, don't you think I've seen what temptation does to people?"

"Don't sell yourself short Crowley, we both know you run do more than deal some good coke. Come work with Lucifer Crowley, you'd be good."

Anna watched the scene unfold before her, not speaking. She could already hear what Castiel would say, 'Unless you mean he would behave for Lucifer or act in a kindhearted manner, Crowley cannot possibly be good.' Or something like that, Anna grimaced as she thought of her brother's involvement with Crowley, god she hoped he hadn't been too mixed up in this.

Crowley scoffed, a small smirk present among his features as he raised his eyebrows at the blonde. She stood before him, wrapped in clothes of black leather, a soft face gave off the false impression of kindness. No Anna knew better, the darkness around them seemed more suitable for this girl.

"Sorry love, but I've got my own business to attend to. Though I will say I'll miss having you at my side, but then, I always knew you'd go running back to Lucifer. Your dedication to the man is downright disturbing, honestly I think he spent a bit too much time on you."

Her calm facade cracked for but a moment, intense fury present on her face, but in a moment it was replaced with a calm smirk, "Lucifer loves me Crowley. He loves all of us, but I know he loves me the most. I got him out of prison when no one else could, I once spent six months dedicated to any form of break in I could find. My life is dedicated to him Crowley, you should know that."

He sighed, "Yes, I can see that. My mistake, I had been hoping you would be above such demeaning worship- obviously I was wrong."

A grin crawled up her face like a snake, "Crowley dear, are we really this distant now? We used to be partners." Her sickening smile grew, "Hell, you used to be my bitch. Did everything I said, ran all around making deals whenever I asked. Who was that little boy of yours? The curly haired one with the thicker accent?"

"See Crowley? You grew on him after all."

Crowley said nothing, offering her a murderous glare.

"Watch yourself dearie," he growled. "Best to know one's limits."

She laughed, "My limits? Crowley, your workers know Lucifer's power- they're are running to him like the world's about to end! Your losing your authority, your business is dwindling-" she was cut off by her own high pitched, mocking laughter, "your double agent was almost gang raped!"

Lilith huffed out another laugh, holding her side, "Know my limits?! We have no limits! We're taking over the world! We're going to make your life a living hell, Crowley. We're going to rip everything away from you. Everything you love? We're going to burn it all to the ground."

"You set that fire, love. Burn the whole world down around me, I don't care. We all breath the same air, and I'd rather choke on smoke by your side than see you have the opportunity to show me that disgusting sneer of yours."

She smirked, "Crowley, you can try and outrun me- but we both know you can't. You can't escape me, you can't escape Lucifer, you can't escape Abaddon."

Her smirk only grew as she stared at Crowley, "If anyone besides me is close to Lucifer, it's Abaddon and we both know what she is responsible for." Her smirk was replaced with a mocking sympathetic expression, "I am sorry about your son Crow-"

BANG!

Crowley looked over the barrel of his gun, "Don't be. Consider your debt paid."

*

_"Another on the way?!" Adriel screamed, hands thrown in the air. "What do you mean we have another on the way?!"_

_Julia had been trying to find the perfect time to tell Adriel of the baby the entire week. Unfortunately Adriel was constantly working or working on work at home, every time Julia had preached him for this he had spoken of how exhausted he was and how they needed to unwind._

_Thus they had._

_For being loved every night, she had never felt so ignored. This loveless infuriating marriage was becoming more demeaning as time went on. She loved Adriel, and he loved her and sometimes he truly could show this. Sometimes he just couldn't._

Julia

_Julia had decided she'd been overthinking telling Adriel for too long and had decided to simply tell him not the spot. That had seemed the best action at the time, and now, standing in their bedroom as Adriel exploded, she realized it was not._

_"Adriel please, please be quiet the children are trying to-"_

_"We can't_ afford _another," he said angrily._

Sleeping sand

_Julia sighed, stepping closer, "Adriel listen to me-"_

_"No you listen to me! We can't afford it! This family can't afford a sixth child!"_

_"This is not an animal Adriel," she hissed, stepping closer to him. "I'm not asking permission for a puppy. This is your child and they're living in this house whether you like it or not!"_

Silent cloud

 _"Whether I like it or not?_ Whether I like it or not?! _You think I_ like _having five kids?! You think I_ like _working my ass off all day only to come home and have no time to myself?! Julia I cannot tell you how_ unprepared _we are, we are paying for five children already._ Five _! You think we can afford_ another _?! When were you planning on telling me this?!"_

 _"As soon as I'd convinced myself you could handle this, as soon as I'd convinced myself I could trust you._ Obviously _I can't do either. God-"_

Touch me

_His eyes widened and her lids narrowed over her dark blue eyes._

_"That's right I'm taking his name in vain and right now I don't give a damn." She stepped closer to him, still frowning as she pointed an accusatory finger at her husband. "This is as much my doing as it is yours, and this is as much my family as it is yours but when it comes to who spends time with these children? It's me. When it comes to who feeds these children? Me. Who clothes them, cares for them, takes them to school, drives them to church which you are so focused on attending? Me again."_

So I sing a song of love

_She stepped closer to him, "You demand the honor roll and awards and admiration and constant respect because you- what, you work for these children? Well that's fucking great Adriel, that really is and I do admire you for what you do because I don't work."_

Julia

 _"Do you know why? Because I cook, clean, drive for, and help five children everyday not to mention the baby I'm carrying now- but you know what sometimes it feels like even more then six children, sometimes it feels like seven because every night you know who comes home? The most immature child of them all. You. So how about you grow up, accept your responsibility, and shut the fuck up about me not trusting you because quite frankly you've given me no reason to_."

Hum hum hum hum...

_Julia stepped closer still, now glaring into her husband's eyes as she stood in front of him. "Another thing about how you treat me, I'm tired of you coming home and complaining for sex; you need to speak to me when you come home. A nod of agreement and a word of greeting is not going to cut it, if you're so miserable with your life then leave." She glared at him, "Maybe if you kept your dick in your pants more often we wouldn't have another child on the way."_

Calls me

_Adriel stared at her, saying nothing as she turned off the lights and climbed into bed._

So I sing a song of love for Julia

*

Dean looked at Cas, rubbing his neck as he cautiously stepped into his room. The three males had driven around, called numerous times, and asked anyone they could if they knew where Anna was. She was nowhere to be found.

"Hey Cas," Dean said quietly, looking at his boyfriend. "Look I- I know you might wanna talk right now, hell I'm sure you don't. I just- I don't know I thought the company might do ya good."

Castiel smiled softly, "Yes, thank you Dean. Do not worry, you are always welcome into my room."

Dean nodded, walking into the room and sitting next to Cas on the bed.

"Anna's tough ya know, Cas. We're gonna find her, and she's gonna pull through."

"Thank you for your support Dean, truly, but as you once told me- I really can't take any more positive reenforcement right now. The police refuse to put a warrant and we cannot find Anna anywhere, I truly cannot see this positively at the moment. I do appreciate your sentiment, but may we discuss something else for the time being?"

It was true, the boys had driven to every police station within range, begging for a search warrant to be put up, but they had only scoffed 'have you check any bars?' they had asked in irritation. Nothing had been made for the three males. The cold of March had begun to pass, but with cold stares and irritated answers, April felt chilly nonetheless.

"Sure man, sure. If you wanna avoid emotion, I'm your man. What d'you wanna do?"

"I probably should study, if I am mor in a more professional mood by Monday my grades may slip."

"We could go somewhere if you'd like."

"No we can't go anywhere, what if Anna comes back?"

"Cas, look, it's not gonna hurt for you to relax. Listen I know you're worried and if you wanna stay here that's totally fine but I really think it'd be good for you to have a bit of space."

Dean shook his head, "Cas man, ya gotta focus on something else. What d'ya wanna do? Anything. You wanna drive somewhere? We can. You wanna watch tv? We can. You wanna listen to music? We can do that too, whatever you want man."

Cas bit his lip, "it... has been a time since our last driving lesson. Would you mind participating in such an activity?"

Dean smiled, grabbing his keys, "Sure Cas, let's go."

The two went down the stairs, seeing Gabriel sitting in his chair, watching tv.

Castiel bit his lip upon seeing his brother, "Gabriel, would you mind if Dean and I went for a driving lesson?"

Gabriel's lips lifted briefly, a smile not quite reaching his eyes, "Sure, sure."

Cas bit his lip once more before speaking, "Gabriel would you- would you Ike to go with Dean and I?"

"Cas no that's- that's fine I'm not gonna be much fun anyways."

"No come with us," Cas insisted. "Please come with us, Gabriel there's nothing we can do right now that we haven't done multiple times throughout the day."

"Look you really don't have to-"

"Come with us," Dean insisted.

Gabriel frowned, "What?"

"Come with us," he said again, nodding at the door. "Come on we're going to my uncle's house, Bobby's a cool guy and I think you'd really like him."

Gabriel bit his lip, before revealing a closed mouth smile.

*

It turns out, bringing Cas and Gabe to Bobby's was a great idea. Gabe was just witty enough for Bobby, who was just sour enough for Gabe. The two had hit it off and started talking about their families not ling after meeting.

One thing about Bobby that Dean loved was that he didn't pity people, he just cared about them. Dean had been unsure of how to explain (or not explain) the situation to Bobby, but Cas had saved him with his bluntness.

"Our sister is missing."

"We have been looking for her throughhout the day, she is nowhere to be found. Dean thought we might seek comfort here."

Bobby nodded, waving them into his house, "Course ya can."

Gabriel grinned, "Thanks old timer."

"Watch your tongue boy. I got half a mind to knock you over the head, fortunately for you you're aging just as fast as I am. Don't worry, I'll focus on that instead of your insult."

Gabe laughed, turning to Cas, "I like this guy."

Cas smiled softly as he stepped into Bobby's home after his brother, "I am glad to hear so. I had hoped you would share that sentiment with me."

Dean followed behind the two brothers, closing the door behind them.

"Well, family's are tough, boys. I could tell ya a bunch of stories 'bout my parents but- well, wouldn't change much."

"Well, Cas and I were gonna go out and have a lesson or two if you don't mind Bobby," Dean said with a shrug.

"Sure, knock yourself out idjits."

"Would you like to attend the lesson as well, Gabriel? Not as a student of course, but simply to watch?"

Gabriel laughed, "I'll stay out of the car until you've got a license, thanks."

"Hey, kid and I can watch something, crack open a beer, whatever."

Gabe's face lit up, "Ooh beer sounds desirable."

Dean and Cas smiled at one another, before walking out the door and towards the garage. The younger boy looked back at the house with a smile as they entered the garage, Dean was glad Gabriel and Bobby were getting along, he liked both and he wouldn't want he and Cas' family to not get along.

Speaking of family, Dean had to make sure Sam had replied. He opened his phone, and a message from I is brother lit up the screen.

**'Yeah, we're fine. Zeppie misses you guys though.'  
Sam Winchester 7:38**

**'Aw, tell him I'll be home soon. I know Cas'd hate to hear that, sometimes I think he Cas has it in his head that he owns the dog!'  
Dean Winchester 7:41**

It was true. Cas loved Zeppie, which was very good, Dean loved Zeppie and it would sure suck if Cas didn't feel the same way. Seeing as how it was Cas who bought him, Dean figured that'd be unlikely, but it was still super cute to see how much the young Novak adored the puppy.

"Dean?"

He looked up from us phone to see Cas standing beside that god awful '78 Lincoln Continental and had to hold back the urge to roll his eyes. Cas just wouldn't let that damn car go would he?

Dean simply nodded, walking over to the car and sliding into the passenger seat, exclaiming "Shot gun!"

Cas also slid into his seat, frowning as he looked at Dean, "Dean, there's no one else here."

He shrugged, "Well, yeah but... just in case."

Cas simply chuckled, putting in the key (Bobby had made Cas a spare since he was so fond of it), turning the ignition, switching to drive, and lightly pressing on the pedal without any help at all.

Dean whistled as Cas smoothly turned the car, "Nice! Someone's been practicing."

Cas blushed, "I may have used a sibling's car from time to time."

"Hell yeah you did," Dean said with a small as Cas turned around a corner of Bobby's garage, "you're doing awesome man."

"Nice! Kick that corner's ass!" Dean said with a grin.

Cas frowned as he turned the tan car, attempting to hide us pleased smile, "Dean, amusing as your jokes are to a relatively new driver, I do know the point of driving is to avoid collisions."

"Yeah well, I think you're doing alright Cas. Honestly I think coming out here was a really good idea. Bobby and Gabe are gettin' along, and you found your pimp car-"

Cas glared at Dean out of the corner of his eye.

"I have said it before and I will say it once more, your incorrect opinion is invalid- I like this car very much. I have driven this vehicle multiple times, yes, as I am rather fond of this car. This car and I have developed a strong bond over the months that have passed, this car is bound to me, and I to him."

Dean scoffed, "alright, Frodo."

Cas frowned, "Who?"

His green eyes widened, "what?"

"Who is Frodo?"

"He's-" Dean sighed, "Man, you've got a lifetime of movies to catch up on. Yeah we've covered some movies: Joe Kidd, the Back to The Future movies, uh A Fistful of Dollars, The Jungle Book, a couple episodes of Ellen... huh, what else have we watched?"

Cas smiled softly, "Finding Nemo."

Dean snapped his fingers, grinning, " Yeah! Yeah you love Finding Nemo Cas," he laughed, "we've seen that a few times now."

"I stand by my opinion, Finding Nemo is a cinematographic masterpiece. The animation of the sea and the color animals is beautiful and the plot line is comical and heartfelt."

Dean smiled, "Also it has Ellen DeGenres."

He grinned, "Also it has Ellen DeGenres."

"That is Dori, correct?" Cas asked as he cautiously turned around a other pile of smashed cars.

"Yeah she's the blue fish."

Cas nodded, "Excellent."

Dean scoffed, smiling at Cas' stoic expression. Cas merely shook his head as he began driving through and around many stacks of crushed cars. Dean smiled as he saw his boyfriend concentrating, bright blue eyes staring down the faded grass as he turned in between piles of old vehicles.

Cas really had come a long way, even though they'd only had three or four lessons to go off of, he'd shown some serious progress. As his boyfriend (honestly, it still made Dean giddy to say) continued to drive, he stuck out the tip of tongue, narrowing his eyes. A small, smug smile slowly spread across his face as he gently pressed down further on the pedal.

Dean sighed, a content smile spreading across his face, "You are so cute."

Cas raised an eyebrow, smiling tentatively as he turned to Dean, "Real-"

"Eyes on the road, eyes on the road!" Dean shouted as they headed towards a large tree.

Cas' eyes widened, "Shit! But I can't- what if my turn is too sha-"

Dean leaned over and turned the car away from the tree, both being thrown in the fast turn. Cas then remembered his foot and eased off of the gas, resisting the urge to yank his foot off of the pedal.

**SCREECH!**

The car jerked to a stop, engine screaming and dust blowing as the car halted. Their chests quickly rose and fell. Still panting, they stared at the crushed cars in front of them, glad it was not theirs. Both boys let out a sigh of relief before looking at one another.

Cas bit his lip, "I- I- oh my, I-I'm so sorry- I didn't mean to-"

Dean jammed his hand down on the seat belt and laid himself against Cas' body, pressing his dark, red lips against the pale pink.

Cas made a small noise of surprise before earnestly pressing against Dean. Yes, yes he could do this, this he could do. God he loved kissing Dean. Dean's eyes widened before he sharply pulled back.

He frowned, "This is... This is okay, right? I'm sorry I just- I had to- is this okay?"

Cas smiled, easing Dean against him once more, "Very much so."

Castiel made a soft noise as Dean pressed his lips against his own. Cas' tongue slowly poked out, asking for permission. Dean greeted him and they deepened the kiss, long, and slow, full of compassion and ease.

Dean pressed himself further against his boyfriend, tan arms wrapping around him as Dean sat on his lap, happy to be close to Cas. Castiel's long, soft fingers ran through Dean's golden hair, pressing against Dean's skin as Cas kissed him. Castiel's hand ran down the sides of Dean's sculpted cheeks, fingers tracing the edge of his dark lips as they continued to kiss.

Castiel could feel Dean smiling as he kissed him. He could hear Dean humming happily as their tongues conversed, running against one another and pressing down on each other. Cas held back his own grin, he was so lucky to have Dean. He''d missed talking to him, he'd missed tasting him. He'd missed being with Dean and being himself.

Dean slowly parted from Castiel, looking down at him with a soft smile before sitting back in his own seat.

"You don't have to apologize. I'm just glad you're okay."

Cas exhaled, "Well, if I had known that would be your reaction to nearly crashing into a tree I likely would not have offered any form of condolence."

Dean laughed loudly, rich, and full, and beautiful.

He smiled at Cas, before his face broke out into a further grin, he couldn't remember the last time he'd felt so utterly happy.

Dean looked over at Cas with his abundance of happiness, "Ya know Cas..."

_So I sing a song of love for Julia_

Cas raised an eyebrow.

_Julia_

"... I think I might just love you."

_Julia_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Again, thank you all so much for your reviews! I really appreciate it,reading them is so nice and thank you so much for allowing me to have comments to read! So, thoughts? Did you like getting to know Julia? Did you like this song? How is everyone feeling about Crowley? Who was glad to hear Naomi being told off? Did you like the Destiel?


	29. Blackbird

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dean returns from Alastair's captivity. Meg and Castiel talk. Anna learns more about Crowley. Castiel and Anna flashback. Cas is acting strange. Dean confronts Cas. Anna takes matters into her own hands.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you everyone who has been reading and giving kudos! Sorry updates haven't been so regular. This was just a really long chapter and it took a long time to write. 
> 
> Also I've realized that this flashback is a tad confusing so just know that italics is the current flashback and anything not written in italics is song lyrics or further back mini flashbacks, like Dean's time in Hell or something.

_Three Years Ago_

_"Now come on boys," John grumbled as they walked into the motel, "there's a case that needs looking into."_

_The two sons followed behind him, one in worry, another in irritation. Dean rubbed his neck, anxiety prickling at his skin as he and Sam followed behind dad. The 15 year old looked around the sleazy motel, noting the bed he and Sam would have to share._

_He hoped his nightmares wouldn't wake him again._

_Ever since Dean had been pulled out of that hell, he'd been different. Quieter. Intense. Secretive. He fought hard to help John. At 15 he could only help so much. Dean didn't care. He pushed even harder to help his father. Helping people was his entire purpose._

_John's eyes skated over to his oldest, "Dean, keep an eye on, Sammy."_

_Sam huffed in anger, "Sam."_

_Dean looked at his brother, before looking back to John, nodding._

_John nodded once, lips curving upward as he looked at his boys. John didn't say it a lot; He wasn't the best at showing it, but he was glad to have his son back. John and the force had been looking for Dean for three months. Sam had exhausted himself with research._

_John couldn't remember how many nights he had come home to see his son slumped over books. Sam, slacking on the job when John needed his help._

_  
He'd known it was unfair._

_Hell, he'd thought it more times than he could count, but he didn't have time to be nice. Every second counted. And Dean had been missing for months._

_When John first discovered Dean was gone, he was furious. That damn child had run off! Oh when John found him he was going to- he was going to- oh he didn't know what he'd do but that kid was in so much damn trouble. Sam could have been killed! What the hell was Dean doing?! Running off and leaving Sam alone?! What the fuck had caused him to do something so stupid?!_

_Missing? Taken? Attacked? Sam no that's crazy, don't be- really? Where had they taken him? Who was it? Were they connected to Mary? Had they come to finish the rest of his family off as well? He needed to dig up his old records and find the old cult. Yes, Sam, of course he was looking for Dean! Yes the cult had something to do with Dean! No John wasn't more concerned about getting the group than Dean!_

_Honestly_ , Sam.

John's searching and working turned to soon John's worrying and yelling. Yelling which led to John's drinking. Sam's glares and angry, biting words lead to screaming matches between John's work and drinking.

There was no time for sleeping.

Worse yet, at times there was this odd tension between Sam and John. More of an awkwardness. John didn't leave Sam alone as often as he would Dean; John's drinking occurred outside their motel and his sleeping was on their couch. John had to stick around and watch Sam to some extent. He couldn't work as much with Dean gone.

John didn't really know how to watch Sam. Whenever he tried Sam would sneer at him, or quietly glare. This only angered John further. The yelling would then start all over again.

"I'm working my ass off trying to find your brother, Sam! I'm tired of this nonsense!"

"Whatever," Sam had grumbled, glaring as he stalked off.

"Sam, _Sam_! You look at me when I'm talking to you!"

"Why?! Want me to keep an eye on you?! Dean's not here so I should do it?!"

"Listen here Sam, I work my ass off so you can keep clothes on your back and I'm working my ass off to find your brother! So shut your damn mouth because this is the way it has to be!"

Sam had glared at him, biting his trembling lip, "You clothe me? What, do you watch me too? Put me to bed? Steal food for me so I can eat? Try and sew my clothes? Patch me up if I'm hurt? Take care of me?!"

A tear had run down his cheek as his voice shook, "No, no you do-on't. You don't do anything! You just run around trying to find the same guys we've been looking for- for eleven years and making everything about them! You give them more attention than you ever have me! You drink and obsess and yell but you don't do anything for m-he! Don't tell me you do, cause you do-hon't!"

He wiped his cheek, tears streaming, "Dean does that for m-he. Dean does _everything_ for me."

Sam's shoulders shook as he screamed, "But now I can't do _a-anything_ for him. He's gone and there's _nothing I can do about it!_ It's _all my fault_ and I can't change it!"

For a moment Sam seemed to lose control, hiccuping as he hid his face. He needed to get past this, needed to ignore it. Sam shook himself, now was not the time to cry. If he was getting anything through his dad's thick skull he needed to keep going.

Sam couldn't find Dean. He was powerless. But he'd be damned if he'd let their dad fall into blame and drinking. He'd be damned if someone else became powerless.

Sam had wiped his eyes before looking at his dad, "But maybe you can."

He frowned, "so stop drinking and try."

_John smiled slightly again, looking at his boys, "see ya when I come home."_

_Something akin to fear flashed in Dean's eyes as he looked at his brother. Sam smiled unsurely, flopping onto the couch and switching the tv on. Dean being Dean, just smiled and forced himself to ignore what he should acknowledge._

_Dean joined Sam on the couch, smiling, "So... what are we watching Sammy?"_

_He bit his lip at Dean's question. This was so obviously fake it was painful. The tight smile on his brother's face looked like a science project gone wrong. Like someone had filled his face with chemicals, making him painfully grin._

_The twelve year old sighed, pausing the tv, "We should talk about this, Dean."_

_"Talk about what?" He said casually, raising his eyebrows._

_"Are you really gonna make me say it?"_

_Dean rolled his eyes, " 'M gonna_ have to ask _if I don't know what you're talking about Sam."_

_"Well you've been really... different lately."_

_Seriously?_

_Couldn't Sam just leave this stuff alone? Dean didn't walk to talk to anyone when he came back and he didn't want to talk to anyone now. Least of all Sam. He wasn't some insensitive dick, he wasn't gonna pour all this shit on his kid brother._

_"So what do you want me to make for dinner, huh Sam?"_

_He sighed, "Dean."_

_Dean groaned, head falling against the couch. "Do we really have to talk about this now?"_

_"Well when are we gonna talk about it, Dean?" Sam huffed._

_The teen scoffed, "Geez Sam, would you cut the melodrama? I've been home a week. Give me a break would ya? I don't want to talk about anything."_

_"Really? You wouldn't let go of me when you got home, and now you've got nothing to say?"_

_Dean felt his worry and irritation growing, 'Stop pushing, Sam.'._

_"Well I just think you should talk to someone. Obviously you're not talking to anyone else, and we already talk about everything. Are you really gonna try and tell me ya got nothing to say?"_

_The 15 year old frowned, "Damn it Sam, yeah I got nothing to say. Believe it or not I'm content to sit here in silence."_

_"Yeah, but Dean, maybe you just need to-"_

_"Sam,_ shut up _!"_

_It was silent as Dean glared at his brother, whose expression of concern dropped after the yelling. The two brothers glared at one another. Sam shook his head, too angry to speak._

_He sighed, pushing himself up from the couch, "Whatever."_

_Dean ran a hand over his face, sighing, "Sam, wait, I-"_

_The sound of their door closing cut him off._

Blackbird singing in the dead of night

_Dean sighed, cursing under his breath as he turned on the oven, preparing to make something for their dinner. The tv blared in the background as Dean grumbled to himself, some horror flick having come on._

Take these broken wings and learn to fly

_God he'd wanted nothing more than to be with Sam for months, and now that he was here everything was all wrong. He wanted to be honest but he couldn't, he wanted to get back into the hunt, he wanted to be helpful, but he just... wasn't._

All your life

_Being helpful was all he'd fought for when he was in that hell, he'd needed a purpose, someone to save. Dean still wanted that purpose, he fought so hard to help, but he was... something was off. He wasn't scared or anything like that, he wasn't some weak little wimp._

You were only waiting for this moment to arise.

_He was just... nervous._

_"HELP ME!"_

_Dean jumped when he heard the screams from the television. A man was running from another man on the screen, bleeding and crying out for help, begging for mercy when the antagonist came closer. Dean's chest rattled as he exhaled, it was fine. Didn't bother Dean._

_Some things made him uncomfortable was all. That didn't matter though, nothing mattered besides people being saved. Dean didn't matter. Dean couldn't help anyone, he had been so close to breaking under Alastair. Another month and he might have lost it._

_No. He would have been strong. He wouldn't have joined Alastair, he wouldn't have helped kidnap kids for his sick, psycho cult._

Blackbird singing in the dead of night

_But...would he have? No! God why was he thinking like that?_

_It's just- Dean shuddered, it was terrible. He'd woken up to nightmares ever since he returned, while he was with Alastair all he could do was dream of getting out. Now that he was, all Dean could dream of was Alastair._

_The beatings. The screams from the tv were not dissimilar to his own as he thought of his beatings._

Take these sunken eyes and learn to see

_Oh, god, the beatings. He didn't know what he'd done- he never knew what he'd done when Alastair would just walk in and start wailing on him. His knuckles would pound into his face. Over and over and over and over again._

_His boots would smash into his sides until he was coughing up blood. Dean knew when he'd provoked Alastair, when he'd try and bust out or would try and be silent or some shit like that- but those days when Alastair would just try and beat the life out of him? He didn't understand._

_The 15 year old flinched as he remember the cruel words and actions taken against him._

All your life

"Dean..." Alastair said calmly, tracing his jawline with an old finger, "why so silent?"

_Nope! Not that shit again. He was home. He was home dammit he didn't need to worry about that!_

You were only waiting for this moment to be free

Alastair lowered himself to Dean's height, who sat on the cold stone ground, staring off into space.

He pressed himself against the boy's ear, "Dean..."

_Dean looked forward as another character screamed in the background, it was fine, he was home. He was fine. He was safe. He didn't need to keep thinking about thi-_

"Pay attention!" Alastair shouted, fist slamming into his jawline,

Blackbird fly

_Dean fell back with the agony of his first month in hell, crashing against a table, knocking it down in his fall. He felt the pain exploding across his face, he felt the pressure against his throat._

The boy coughed, tongue slopping against caked blood as he tried to gag. There was too much. His eyes widened as the dried and drying blood continued to fill his mouth, only bleeding further as time passed, filling his every sense with red.

Blackbird fly

He coughed, sputtering and choking as crimson streaked the cold, dirty floors of his cell. Oh god, oh god he was gonna die choking on his own blood- and fuck!- Fuck- fuck how could he be useful if he was dead?!

No, Dean needed to be useful.

_He needed to be useful he needed to be useful he needed to be useful he needed to be useful._

How could he not be useful?!

Into the light of the dark black night

_Dean's choking grew worse as the panic grew within him. What was he doing- what he was doing?! He was back and he was still fucking everything up! What was the point of living if he just went back to ruining everything?!_

"You know I don't like to raise my voice," Alastair pulled the limp boy from the floor, slamming him against the concrete walls, "but no response gets boring after a while."

The boy continued coughing, blood running down his mouth. His dull eyes lifted to the man's face as he continued coughing, crimson running besides his cherry mouth.

"Where's that _smug smile_ , Dean? _Hm_? Just smile and you'll get through it right?" Alastair grinned at that, pushing further against the frail body. " _Right_?!"

Blackbird fly

_Smile, just smile it's okay you're overreacting. You can get through this just smile. Dean smiled, healing black eye crinkling with the effort. He tried to smile as he shook on the kitchen floor, even though he really felt like puking his guts out. He couldn't smile though, he couldn't make himself breathe so he could smile._

"Where is it Dean, huh? Where is it?" His grin only grew, revealing white teeth from a mouth covered in the blood of others.

Dean looked at him in terror, silent.

"You better smile for me boy, or I'll rip out more of your teeth. I'll bring those tools in here and we'll have a field day, you and I."

Blackbird fly

His lips lifted weakly.

Alastair dropped him to the ground, sighing as he turned to walk of the disgusting room, "I'll go get the claw hammer."

_Dean's stomach churned with memories of the hammer in his mouth, pushing and pulling until a tooth would be ripped out. The screams would be ripped from him faster than his teeth, something working inside his mouth. Twisting, banging, pushing, pulling, ripping- oh god! Oh god oh god oh god, he couldn't smile through that- he couldn't smile through that!_

Into the light of the dark black night

An urgency Dean didn't think he still possessed suddenly took over, "WAI NO PL'S!" He screamed.

The man stopped, not turning as Dean broke down further.

"I'll smile jus' lemme-" a sob wrenched out from between Dean's split lip, his body shaking, "lemme kip the rest of 'em. Pl's lemme keep mah teef!"

He knew crying wouldn't help but he couldn't stop, sobs just kept pouring out of him. He wanted to keep his teeth. He did. God he didn't want to lose another, please no. Please god no! He'd already lost three he couldn't do it again!

"Y'know," Alastair said with a smile, walking back to him, "lying on the floor crying is far from smiling. Mhm I-" he laughed, "I am sorry my boy but I- I'm a man of my word so I'll have to go get-"

"Please!" Dean screamed.

He knew how stupid it was to cut Alastair off but he couldn't lose another tooth. He couldn't do that.

Blackbird singing in the dead of night

_His breaths were coming shorter and shorter, his vision was growing dark. He wasn't smiling, he wasn't smiling what if Alastair knew? He could be here, he could be here right now, waiting._

_Breathe, Dean. Breathe._

Dean nearly cried out again, his lip ripping further with the forced smile. "Suh it? Suh, suh? I'm smilin'.

"Hm," Alastair walked closer, bending down to Dean's height, coming so close to the boy that Dean could feel his breath.

What Dean was not expecting was a hand shoved in his mouth, he tried to silence his cry but the fear and pain was too much.

_He couldn't breathe, he couldn't breathe he couldn't breathe he couldn't breathe._

Take these broken wings and learn to fly

"Sh," Alastair said, fingers prodding at Dean's newest bleeding gum.

Dean's body trembled as he went limp against Alastair's touch, knowing obedience would help him, silent as he waited.

"I suppose we can wait," Alastair said, pulling his hand from Dean's mouth, ignoring Dean's whimper as his nail deliberately scratched at the boy's gums.

Alastair smiled at the trembling boy, leaving with him a thought as he opened the door, "Now you keep smiling Dean, I don't want to hear any crying out of you."

 _'Keep smiling, keep smiling. It'll stop just keep smiling_.'

All your life

_Breathe, Dean. Breathe. You don't have to do that- you don't have to try and smile. Just breathe._

_"Shut up!" Dean screamed, Alastair was trying to trick him- if he didn't smile he'd rip his teeth out, he wasn't gonna fall for that lie! Not again! He could hear the man, he could him talking._

_It's okay, just breathe. Work on breathing, Dean._

_A sob wrenched out of him, he was trying to smile- he was. God why wouldn't Alastair show his damn face and stop talking to him?! Just get it over with already!_

_'Just get over with it already! Please!'_

You were only waiting for this moment to arise

_Dean, you've gotta calm down. You need to breathe. Please!_

_'Wait a minute.'_

_"Come on Dean, you gotta keep breathing. Breathe with me, breathe with me. You gotta keep breathing!" Sam said, trying to keep his own panic at bay._

You were only waiting for this moment to arise

_Dean was pawing at him, weakly pushing his brother away, despite the fact that Sam wasn't touching him. Sam knew he was having some form of flashback and he didn't want Dean to feel threatened, so he's been avoiding touching him._

_Is that Sam or- no no Sam can't be here! Sam can't be here! Not with Alastair! He'll kill him! He'll kill him! Sammy can't die! Not after all this! Dean wouldn't let him die Dean wouldn't let him die! But what was he supposed to do?_

_What am I supposed to do?!_

_It's not real Dean, you are safe._

_"Did you hear me? Dean you're safe. You're scared but it's not real, Dean, you're home."_

Screams echoed off the next cell, a woman begging for mercy as something was ripped out of her. He couldn't do a thing to help her. He couldn't do anything.

_As she screamed he curled up into a ball, sobbing._

_It's not real, Dean. Where you are is scary, but it is not real._

_"Dean, you're home. So lets just breathe. I called someone, okay? Let's breathe," Sam said calmly, "I'll breathe with you okay?"_

_Dean heard someone breathing, 1-2-3-4-5-6-7-8-9-10._

_Why were they so calm? No one here was ever calm, crazy but not calm. Wait, how long had he been here?_

_Breathe, Dean._

_'Okay, okay I can breathe,' Dean thought, taking a deep breath._

_Good, count to ten and breathe in._

_"Good job, Dean, you're doing well. Breathe out. Good, good. You're back, Dean. This is Sam, it's your brother, you're home. Breathe in."_

_Sam sounded calm, he was okay? Dean felt his chest lighten slightly, Sam was okay. Wait if Sam was with him and he was this calm, they couldn't be with Alastair_.

_"Breathe in."_

_Dean looked at him, the terror clouding his eyes diminishing. He breathed in, still looking at Sam._

_"Good, you're doing great, Dean. Breathe out."_

_Dean's hands continued to shake, but the tremors were lessening slightly as he did what Sam said. He still felt nauseous and sweaty, but at least Sam was calm._

_"Do you need anything, Dean? Breathe in. I can get you some medicine, Dean. You can tell me if you need anything, okay? Breathe out."_

_Dean nodded, "Wa-" he coughed, "water."_

_"Okay, I'm going to get you some water. I am not leaving. I am coming right back. Keep breathing."_

_Sam hurried to get a glass of water, knowing Dean shouldn't be alone._

_He got his brother the ice water and rushed back to the kitchen floor, faking tranquility as he calmly handed Dean the drink._

_Dean sniffed, wiping his eyes as he accepted the water, "'M- 'M sorry."_

_"Don't apologize, Dean," Sam said softly, "just breathe and drink your water." He smiled, "Though you should probably stop for a breath now and then."_

_Dean's bottom lifted briefly, thankful it was Sam here and not someone else._

_"S-Sam?"_

_He looked up, raising his eyebrows, " Yeah?"_

_"Don't..." Dean sighed, irritated at himself for having let himself get so bad. "Don't tell dad, okay?"_

_Sam smiled, "_ Lie to dad? _" He raised his eyebrows, putting a hand to his chest, "_ Me? _Oh I'd never."_

_Dean rolled his eyes as Sam smiled, shaking his head, "Huh, being asked to lie to dad, finally something I can do."_

_Dean laughed._

*

"And Castiel, if there's _anything else I can do_ , please let me know," the teacher finished, handing back his accepted late paper.

He nodded, before quietly returning to his seat, waiting for the bell at the end of his first hour. Anna had been missing for a week now, and Castiel had done all he could think of to find her. He'd contacted Amelia, he'd asked around her school, in a moment of true desperation, he even called Crowley. Crowley had contacts, he had men working for him. Surely the male could be of some help, but alas, Cas had been proven wrong once more, as Crowley did not answer the phone.

Wherever Anna was, Cas hoped she would come home soon. Of course, there was the possibility- oh, who he was kidding it was more than just a possibility- that Anna had left and wasn't coming back. It's okay though, he was fine with that.

Castiel could accept this, it was her choice and he wished her happiness in whatever path she chose. Anna was five years his senior anyways, it was not Castiel's job to watch over her. The decision was hers and he would condone whichever she had made. He was fine with it.

At least, that's what he kept telling himself.

"Hey Cas, did you see that ridiculous tie Turner is wearing? Keeps grumbling about some football game and how it brings the team luck," Meg said with a smile, joining him when he walked to homeroom.

"No, I didn't actually. Does this tie display something considerably horrendous? Or is the belief in the tie itself causing your alarm?" He asked, raising an eyebrow.

"Both, he's been preaching about it's power all morning. It's a black tie covered in ballerinas." She scoffed, "A bunch of women wearing tutus on his tie."

Castiel's brow furrowed as they entered the class, "Pardon my asking, know that I have no qualms with females, but why would Mr. Turner be caught wearing such an effeminate tie? It sounds rather ludicrous, if you ask me."

She rolled her eyes, pulling out a chair next to Castiel and Dean's table. Cas wasn't quite sure when it became he and Dean's table, but this had quickly became their spot. With Meg accompanying of course.

"Believe me, I'm not offended. It's a hideous tie! I guess he was convinced the team he was rooting for was gonna lose so he decided to drink while watching the game, anyways he got plastered and bought this ridiculous tie while watching at the bar. Right when he buys the tie, his team gets a touch down. From that moment on, his team's kicking the other team's ass. Apparently it's a game winner, and a game's on tonight."

"Hm, well whatever entices feelings of tranquility I suppose."

Meg snorted, smiling as she looked at Cas, shaking her head.

Cas tilted his head, brow furrowing, "What?"

She laughed softly, "You."

He raised his eyebrows before they gathered once more, "Am I providing you with amusement?"

"You could say that, I just missed you is all."

He nodded, "Rest assured Meg, I have missed your presence as well."

"Well thank you, Clarence, that warms my heart. Hey, where's dear old Dean?"

"It's safe to assume he is on his way, maybe he had to drive back home for Sammy or something."

"Sammy? I thought it was just Sam."

"Oh it is, but I've noticed his indifference to the nickname is often ignored." Cas smiled, "And it's fun to tease him on occasion."

She laughed, "nice."

"It's really not, but if you believe it be so."

"No I didn't mean that's nice of you," she shook her head. "Good to know some things haven't changed."

He frowned, head tilting, "What are you talking about?"

She smiled, "Nothing, Clarence. Just you."

"Yes but, what do you mean things won't change? I have no intention of leaving, Meg Masters."

"No I- I know, I just haven't seen you in a while." She rushed to show some understanding, "Which is fine, I mean, I completely understand that you've been busy."

He sighed, "You are right, I have been neglecting our friendship."

"Clarence, no, don't worry, really. I should be making more of an effort, not you- geez your damn sister's missing and I've been sitting over here idly keeping silent. I've been meaning to make an offer to help you look for her, I just... I don't know how to say it."

"We will find Anna." He smiled, "Your help will always be appreciated , Meg."

The smile dropped, "But don't worry, we're going to find her."

*

"Crowley, where are you?" Anna whispered, peeking around the corner of an abandoned building.

"I am somehow still in hiding, despite your constant questioning," he hissed from somewhere.

She looked around, not seeing the English man anywhere. Her eyes scanned the dirty streets around her, straying from building to building of shattered glass and desperate cries. Garbage and ash coated the faded gray streets, thick, uneven slabs of concrete attempting to offer an easier path from the streets with littered wrappings and cigarette buds.

"Yes but where?" She hissed back.

A hand pulled her back, she went to scream before a hand covered her mouth.

"It's just me. Relax," Crowley hushed, ducking the two of them into an alley.

"Oh, right, just you. The man I saw kill someone and shoot a girl. How reassuring," Anna said dryly.

"I'd tell you to watch what you say, but murder isn't new to anyone here. Still, follow me."

Anna sighed, following the shorter man as he walked down the alleyway, turning several times, passing crowds of people, fading people. Anna knew they were a few towns over form her home. Theu certainly were not hiding in a good part of this town. After Crowley had shot Lilith, he loaded his gun and was about to fire another shot when the two heard shots of _another_ gun.

At that point, they had decided it would be wise to run.

For the past few days they'd been in hiding, both familiar enough with Lucifer to know that injuring his right hand man- er, woman- would not assist them in any way shape or form. All they really had now was Crowley's gun. It would inedibly run out of bullets, and Anna's nursing knowledge from school told her-

Anna frowned, "Hey wait, don't you have school or something?"

Crowley turned, "Seriously? What, are you concerning yourself with my education now?"

"Well obviously you don't."

They quietly looked around the house. Crowley approached a dark, shady looking basement as Anna followed him.

"You're right, I've occupied myself with more important things."

"While I do see your point in this particular situation, some might argue education to be rather important."

Crowley scoffed, opening the basement door, " Well I'm not daft. I do run a drug dealership."

"Gee, if Cas were here to hear this."

Crowley rolled his eyes as they walked down the creaky steps.

"Oh please, you think your brother and I are unfamiliar with one another? Anna, the man bloody worked for me."

She frowned, "That's another thing. Why is that all the information I'm getting on that? What exactly did he do for you?"

"A number of things."

Anna rolled her eyes, ducking under cobwebs. "Well gee, thanks for the incredible insight."

"Alright, mother hen! Cas can take care of himself if you haven't noticed. Guy can easily beat the shit out of most people I work with."

Anna frowned, "What? Cas?"

Crowley raised his eyebrows. "Oh dear, you really don't know your brother? Do you?"

*

_"Castiel, where is it?"_

Blackbird singing in the dead of night

_The 15 year old looked onward, ignoring his sister._

_Anna frowned, "Castiel, I know you have it. I'm not leaving you alone. I refuse. I love you Castiel, but this has to stop."_

_He ignored her, staring at the wall, not moving from the bathroom floor._

Take these broken wings and learn to fly

_She sighed softly, shaking her head, "Fine then, I'll just have to find it."_

_No, he did not need her help. Castiel was fine on his own and he did not need Anna patting his shoulder after each little bump in the road, and while he appreciated her, he really, really did, Castiel wasn't going to give up his razor. He had other things, of course, but he couldn't help but fear this was the tip of dominos, that if Anna found one of his tools she'd find all of them._

_He couldn't have that._

All your life

_Anna was relentless, despite Castiel's (as usual) silence. Because Castiel wasn't going to speak, he wasn't going to do anything. Just like usual, because he never did anything. He just sat there and let people do whatever they want. Let some man (he wasn't some man he was a servant of God, and what place did Castiel have to question God) touch him and punish him, and if he had just behaved in the first place-_

_No._

_Not right now._

_Later, when he didn't have Anna searching everywhere for his razor(s)._

You were only waiting for this moment to arise.

_Castiel looked up to now see Anna had left the bathroom and was searching elsewhere, ah yes she had gone back to their room. She was going through an old box of Gabe and Cas' art supplies._

_She was too close, but he could keep her at bay._

_Castiel was silent when he approached her, Anna jumping when she noticed him standing behind her._

_"What? Why are you following me then? Is it in here? Or are you just keeping an eye on me?"_

_Anna opened up the old wooden box, flipping through pictures and crafts Gabriel and his younger brother had made when fighting in the house got too loud._

_Understandably, the box was rather full._

_Castiel took the box from Anna's hands, she was too close._

Blackbird singing in the dead of night

_"Castiel, no!" She wrestled it away from him, ripping it away from her brother's hands._

_"_ No!" _He shouted, panic causing him to cast his silence aside. "No! Don't look Anna, don't look!"_

_'You're so stupid, you're a disgrace to this family.'_

Take these sunken eyes and learn to see

_Anna opened the box, continuously fighting Castiel off. A picture drawn by a six year old Castiel was taped on the inside of this small, square wooden box. Anna removed the tape from the drawing, opening an extremely thin compartment from behind the picture, finding a razor blade within the comports tent._

_The smiling picture of stick figure Castiel and Gabe fell to the ground, the two brothers shown holding hands and smiling._

_'Look what you've done now, Castiel. You can't even hide this razor.'_

_Anna's eyes watered as she looked from the picture to the razor blade, "Cas, why?"_

_He kept his eyes to the ground, saying nothing._

All your life

_'Wait to make Anna cry you selfish stain, is it really so difficult for you to stop being dramatic?'_

_She pushed up his sleeve, dropping the razor blade._

_"Anna no-"_

_She gasped, staring down at the dark cuts across his arm._

_"Cas... " tears trailed down Anna's cheeks, "why would you-" her voice caught, "why do- why do you keep doing this to yourself?"_

_"You're not bad, Castiel! You're not. Please, you have to stop punishing yourself. I've heard what people say in church, I know you're gay. I know how Naomi is, I know how Michael is. I know you're uncomfortable in church, but you're not wrong, Castiel. Okay? And you're not bad."_

You were only waiting for this moment to be free.

_Castiel would have laughed at Anna's complete misinterpretation of the situation, but he was too busy wishing he had killed himself._

_"Castiel I know you're frightened of God, and I know you think you're bad and unworthy- okay, scratch that, I don't know because I'm not in your head. But I'm getting some pretty strong signals and I just want you to know that I'm here for you. You don't have to keep punishing yourself, I've heard you say it. I don't know what was said to make you think you have sins to make up for, that's some religious bullshit- and this is not repenting, this is endangering. Castiel this is not the way to handle this."_

_His stare remained concentrated on the floor, "...it's punishment."_

_"Castiel you don't_ need _punishment! Please, listen to me. Castiel what on earth do you think you have done that would deserve such a punishment?"_

_"I do... I do like... I like boys, Anna. Trust me, there's- I'm just not good, there's no going back for me. There can't possibly be a spot in Heaven for scum like me. This is the only way I can repent, this is justice."_

_Anna guided Castiel's chin up, blue eyes meeting green. She looked down at his wrist, and back to her brother._

_She put her hand over his, the other on his wrist, locking eyes with her brother once more, "Castiel, God would never wish you to hurt yourself."_

_His eyes dropped to the ground and she raised his chin once more, green eyes widened, brown specks shining as she stared at him. Her pale hand gently wrapped around his stained wrist as she spoke._

_"The father_ you love _. You think he_ wants _this? You think he'd_ ask this _of you? You think_ this _is righteous?"_

*

"Hey, where's Cas?" Dean asked, green eyes scanning the lunch room.

"Your boyfriend'll be here in a minute, Winchester. Don't worry," Jo said, smiling as she ate her lunch.

Dean rolled his eyes, "Can it, Jo."

Charlie shook her head, smiling, "He's coming in now Dean, don't be such a baby."

Dean scoffed, "What- me- wha- why am I being attacked?"

"Because... it's a trap!" Charlie said with a grin.

"Yeah, yeah, Ackbar," Dean grumbled, raising his eyebrows when he saw Cas grinning with Sam and Jess, saying something that caused the other two to laugh.

"Hm, he seems to be in a good mood," Charlie said, smiling.

Jo shrugged, "Maybe he's feeling better."

Dean frowned, "Yeah, maybe."

_Blackbird fly_

Cas' face scrunched up as he laughed, he and the younger high schoolers sitting down at the table.

Ash joined the table, laughing at something Cas had said, who was making some ridiculous face as he said something else. Jo laughed, before looking down at her growing pile of homework.

_Blackbird fly_

"I am so glad we get out in May," she said with a groan. "I don't think I can handle this place any longer."

Jess groaned in response, "Do you mind? Some of us are only in our freshman year and have to stay in this hell hole until June."

"Junior year especially will suck," Ash said with a nod, looking at the younger two, "sorry you have to suffer it, amigos."

"Hey now," Dean said, "we all had to suffer too. You and Sam'll be fine, Jess."

The group of friends began using their lunch, as often was the case, as a time to complain about their classes. Thankfully, with it being near the end of the year, school was almost over. Bringing graduation for most at the table, and senior year for the others.

"Yeah quit your whining, we've been around longer then you kids. We could tell some stories that will make your junior year look like a vacation," Jo said with a smile.

Sam rolled his eyes, "You guys are three years older than us, not thirty."

Castiel shrugged, "Despite our minuscule age difference, I must admit we do have a higher sense of knowledge when concerning high school, which is terrible. Particularly our junior year, which was insufferable. You and Jess shall be gifted, neither of you shall have to interact with Dick."

Sam coughed on his juice, causing Jess to laugh.

Charlie shook her head, "It's overrated anyways Sam, you're not missing out."

Jess laughed again, the others joining.

Castiel frowned, tilting his head at Dean, "Is something about the teacher humorous?"

Dean smiled, "Think about what you said, Cas."

Cas frowned as he cocked his hear, running his dialogue through his mind, before shaking his head at the group surrounding him.

Castiel rolled his eyes, shaking his head once more, "I meant the firing of Mr. Roman, you all have the maturity of adolescents."

"Hey, you're the one who said it," Charlie said with a smile.

"Be that as it may, you may view it as you see fit, I am not responsible for what you hear. Your drastic misinterpretations aside, I am sorry that you must suffer through the junior year without my- our- delightful company."

The group laughed, Dean's eyes softening as he smiled at Castiel.

_Into the light of the dark black night._

"Shoot!" Jess said, looking at the clock, "I forgot to grab my math homework!"

"Want me to come with?" Sam asked, raising his eyebrows.

"Sure Sam, but we gotta hurt or we'll be late." Jess waved to the group, "Sorry guys, but we've gotta go."

Sam nodded, raising his hand before letting it fall to his side, hand dropping as he followed after Jess. The group waved, Charlie and Jo excusing themselves to the bathroom after the two left.

"Hey then, I'm gonna split fellas," Ash said, nodding as he walked off, "avoid the rush, ya know?"

Dean nodded, turning to Cas, "Sure thing, see ya Ash."

"Yes, until science class, Ash," Cas said, facing Dean, which was likely rather rude, seeing as Ash was leaving.

Still, Dean's presence was more captivating.

"Hey Cas, you alright?"

_Blackbird fly_

He frowned, tilting his head at the question, "I am well, yes."

"Really? I mean, don't get me wrong I'm always happy to see you be the life of the party but you've been pretty chill the last few days, and kinda... Well, not yourself."

"I am fine, Dean. Am I not allowed the occasional harmonious mood?"

_Blackbird fly_

Dean smiled, shaking his head, "Did you just use a harmonious in a sentence?"

"It would seem I did," Castiel said, lips turning up at the corners.

_Into the light of the dark black night._

He shook his head, smiling, "I can't believe we're dating."

"Nor can I Dean, nor can I."

*

"I'm leaving," Anna said flatly, passing Crowley by.

Colored lights flashed around them, sweat covered bodies pressed against one another, the heat and color nearly blinding her as she passed Crowley. A loud backbeat began to fill her senses, but she could still hear Crowley's voice over the huge speakers, the dealer shouting something to her.

"What? Are you mad?! You can't just up and fly off! There are people out there trying to kill us!" Crowley fumed, following Anna around the smoke filled underground bar.

"Don't be so dramatic! I've been stuck with you for a week and I'm done! I'm going home!" Anna hissed.

"To what? A brother out to kill you? You realize we shot his right hand man- er, woman- don't you?!"

"If you knew it was such a bad idea, then why did you do it?" She hissed, pale skin causing her hazel eyes to become slits as she glared.

"Open, sorry hun!" A woman said as she pushed passed Anna, nearly spilling beer on the 23 year old's green jacket.

Crowley waited for the woman to pass, before speaking, "Look, I get that I didn't make the best decision but... she's not dead, see I showed restraint."

"Look I know she was an assh-"

"You don't know, she's lucky I didn't kill her. She's the closest thing I have to killing Abaddon. I should've killed Lilith but I knew what Lucifer would do to me. I can't afford another reason to be his enemy. He's probably already going to kill me for shooting her. No doubt she survived though- but shooting her was a bad move. I guess I let my... what do you call them, feelings, get the better of me. Lilith is under Lucifer, and under Lilith is Abaddon. It just felt nice to get a little payback I suppose. Far less than either deserved."

"Crowley, dare I ask, what did Abaddon do?" Anna asked, tilting her head.

He was silent, licking his lips before speaking bitterly, "She killed my son."

*

"So Cas, you coming back with us?" Dean asked as he and Sam walked towards the impala.

"I need to get back to helping Gabriel. But thank you Dean," Cas said, smiling. "If- if you wouldn't mind driving?"

Dean frowned as he got in the car, Sam taking the backseat. "Yeah, sure, Cas."

The drive was mostly quiet, Dean thinking over Castiel's actions that day as inserted a tape It wasn't that he didn't think Cas should spend time with Gabriel, he totally did. The dudes needed to be together, for god's sake their damn sister was missing. It was the way Cas was so... cheery.

If Cas was upset, yeah he was quiet about it but that was it, he was quiet. He didn't want to talk about it. He didn't want to talk much period. There was no fake cheeriness, there was distance and silence.

The impala slowed in front of Cas' house. Cas followed Dean up to the green porch. Gabriel raised an eyebrow, looking through the window as Dean stood on their porch, waiting for Cas to join him.

"Dean, while it appreciate the gesture, you didn't have to walk up with me." Cas spoke with a frown, "I know you've got work in an hour."

_Blackbird singing in the dead of night_

Dean shrugged, looking at Gabe. "Yeah, well, the apartment's not that far a drive, besides I wanted to talk to you," Dean turned to face his boyfriend.

"Y'know Cas, if this is more than you can take... if you need to talk to somebody, you can." Dean chuckled, "Wouldn't do you much good, but I'd sure as hell listen... if you want to talk. Sammy's better with advice, but if you wanna talk, just talk."

Cas shook his head, smiling, "Dean you're sweet, but I'm fine."

"See _that's it_ , you're having trouble handling this and you don't want to-"

His blue eyes snapped into focus, frowning as his eyes narrowed. "I can handle whatever I damn well please, Dean Winchester. I know that I'm just a broken altar boy who breaks down without a word- but I didn't need you before and I don't need you now."

_Take these broken wings and learn to fly_

Dea fell silent before speaking once more, ignoring the sting in his chest. "Cas, look man, I didn't mean it that way. I just meant-"

Cas sighed, shaking his head as he looked at the ground.

"I know. I'm sorry, that was wrong of me to say. I just don't enjoy anyone seeing me upset- I don't like the way you've seen me. I _didn't_ want to tell you what I _have_ , and I don't want you to see me the way you are now. I'd just rather I deal with this alone, thank you Dean."

He stepped closer, "Look Cas I... Shit man I- I'm the first to throw on a fake smile and I know I'm being pretty damn annoying, but I just..."

He sighed, "Look, when I first got back from Alastair's, I was pretty messed up. Like, nightmares and panic attacks and flashbacks messed up, and I ironed on a smile most of the way and it killed me. I just don't want you to feel like you have to go through this alone."

_All your life_

"I'm not going through anything alone. Anna's the one who's alone."

The clearness in Castiel's eyes faded. That self assured look was replaced by something softer, and he looked up at Dean sadly.

"Dean I- I don't think we're going to find her. It's been a week. Our best chance is a few hours, and I don't want to dwell on it- people have enough to deal with, I don't need to add myself to the mix."

_You were only waiting for this moment to arise_

Dean put an arm on his shoulder. "Cas, we're not trying to deal with you, we're trying to help you. We _want_ to help you. _I_ want to help you. Shit man I threw myself in front of a rabid hound and got ripped to shreds to save my brother. You think I'd blame you for being worried about Anna, for being upset? You don't have to smile and shit man. I mean, I'm not gonna be on you all the time and force you to talk about shit. I just want you to know that you can, okay?"

Cas bit his lip, before nodding. "Yes, I know that, thank you Dean."

Dean nodded, "Anytime."

_You were only waiting for this moment to arise_

He looked back at the car, seeing Sam waiting patiently. Dean rested on Cas, his soft blue eyes and pink lips. Dean looked at the ground unsurely, before kissing Cas' cheek.

Cas broke out into a smile, a real smile this time.

"I'll talk to you later Cas, bye!" Dean said, hurrying back to his car.

Castiel waved, other hand on his cheek. The car started quietly, Sam waving as they pulled into the roast and drove off. Dean smiled at the Novak's as the impala drove away. Castiel turned back to the house, eyeing Gabriel as he opened the door.

"Well isn't he just precious?" Gabriel said fondly, smirking.

"Don't we have work to do?" Castiel said, shaking his head as he put his book bag away.

*

_On Sunday, the Novaks headed to church, excluding Castiel of course, and sat in the front row at eight o'clock mass._

_Anna knew she should be paying attention, but, as she had been the past few weeks, she  
was distracted by the preacher. Castiel had never shown interest in females. Whatever his sexuality, Anna would support him. _

_She had caught Castiel staring at males several times before. Anna knew he thought he was bad and wrong and was afraid of going to church. Then Castiel admitted to liking guys, which Anna had already figured- but after seeing so many scars, after seeing her brother be silent for so long she realized she'd had enough._

_She knew she should tell a sibling, that she should talk to Michael or Zachariah to something was holding her back. Something was off with Castiel, not the silent, compliant usual off but- she frowned, a 15year old (soon to be 16, actually) had no reason to dislike church so much. Still, with the homophobic tendencies in their family (Zachariah, namely. Not to mention Naomi, and Anna knew with Michael's traditionalism he would never approve) and the heavy need for strong religious beliefs, Anna could see where Castiel would be uncomfortable with the church._

_It didn't help that their own preacher didn't approve, Anna knew the way her brother felt around him and she had seen the preacher giving her brother strange looks. No one else seemed to notice because no one else was looking, and likely no one else cared._

_Castiel seemed to have considerable troubles approaching the preacher. For example, when the Father stood outside the church saying goodbye, Castiel almost always managed to disappear. His homophobic slurs and his old tongue and sharp words had frightened Castiel into silence and forced him to separate himself form the church. A preacher didn't have the right to take away her brother's faith! No one did!_

_This is why Anna approached the preacher after church with only one person in mind, having brought her own car to church she told her siblings she would see them at home._

_"You sure, Anna?" Gabe asked, raising an eyebrow._

_"Yeah I'm fine, I'm just gonna light a candle. I'll see you at home."_

_He nodded, the 21 year old running off to catch up with the others. Anna walked into the church with a sense of duty, frowning as she walked back into the building._

_"Father," Anna said bitterly when she approached the man, "May I speak to you?"_

_"Of course my dear," the preacher said, surprised by her tone._

_He turned back to one of the church members, "Excuse me a moment."_

_Anna turned around and walked off, expecting the preacher to follow her, they stepped off into one of the side rooms, meant for containing the water and wine._

_"I know what you did to my brother," Anna said, skipping to her point._

_The preacher's brown eyes widened, "E-excuse me?"_

_"You heard me," she said in a biting tone. "I. Know. What. You. Did."_

_"I- I don't understand what you mean, Ms. Novak. I can assure you that I have done nothing-"_

_"Let's cut past the denying your sins stage, aren't you against that father? You seem awful fond of having Castiel attend confession and admit his, I think you owe me the same courtesy."_

_"Ms. Novak I- your brother- Castiel he- he-"_

_She stepped closer, glaring at him, "You think it's your place to tell him what's right and wrong? Who's good_ and who's bad? _In two years, he's barely spoken to me. Because of_ you _. Maybe you can get him to be quiet, but I_ know _that this is wrong- I know that you're wrong and you won't silence me. No matter what you do I will scream your sins from the rooftop. Because you're the one who's sinned,_ not Castiel _."_

_Sweat gathered around his collar, the loose skin around the man's neck shaking as he rushed to speak, stuttering with his nerves, "Ms. Novak I- I- you don't understand- I mean well, your brother he's just- he- how did-"_

_"How did I know? Oh he didn't tell me, he didn't have to. I can see for myself, thank you very much. I know everything, I've put two and two together. An old priest, you fit the picture just right- Castiel is quiet, he wants to be good and you've taken his kind nature and twisted it into blind obedience, you've made him something he's not. You know what if this were him here I bet you'd still try but you can't because you know what? It's not him here, it's me, and I won't let you get away with this."_

_"Ms.- Ms.-"_

_His stuttering only angered her further, he'd harassed her brother and made him ashamed of what he was- he'd twisted her brother's fate into something wicked, he'd twisted Castiel's love into fear and his faith into a prison. Maybe Anna didn't know al the details, but she knew that the preacher was making Castiel feel inferior, he was corrupting her brother. She was never going to let this go, the preacher would never talk to Castiel again, not if she had anything to say about it._

_This was the man who'd driven Castiel to hurt himself, who'd driven him to think he was disgusting and an abomination. It was his wrongful teachings that had caused Castiel to feel suicidal._

_"I- Ms.- Ms. Nov-"_

_"I swear to god if you call me Ms. Novak one more fucking time- I'm not here for formalities,_ Father _. I'm here to let you know that I've got you under my foot you sliming worm, and if you ever want out from under there you're going to listen to me. Got it?"_

_He nodded._

_"Good. I want you to_ stay the fuck away from my brother _, if you ever fucking come near him again I will have the archdiocese on your ass so fast. Don't_ touch _Castiel, don't_ talk _to Castiel, don't even_ look at him _. I will be_ watching you _, no matter how much time passes away I will_ always _be watching you. You will not silence me. I will tell the other preachers, you will be sued for everything you have. I don't care if you're a preacher, I don't care if you think you know better than me you do_ not _get to corrupt my brother any further."_

_The man said nothing, fear growing as his situation fully sunk in. She knew, she knew- and if she ever breathed a word he would be ruined. He knew how strong Anna Novak was, he'd feared this would happen, and now it had. He would be do anything this girl said if she would keep quiet._

_"He thinks you're a_ hero _, that you're_ saving him _, I think you're disgusting and a monster. If you ever come near my brother again, I will bring about your end. So here's what I want you to do, you_ stay away from Castiel _. Michael forces him to sign up for serving and you're the preacher that week, change your schedule. Zachariah wants him to go to confession, make sure it's another preacher. As far Castiel knows,_ you don't serve here anymore. _He never sees you again. I don't care what mass it is I don't care what holiday; if Castiel is here, you're not."_

 _She glared at him,"I won't talk to him about this conversation, you won't talk to him period. Stay away from my brother, or I will_ end you _. Understand?"_

 _He nodded, body shaking with fear, "Ye- Yes, Ms. Novak_."

 _The 20 year old stepped closer, "Good. You might think you're righteous and that you can do whatever you want, you might think you don't have to pay for what you've done. You might think God won't care because you're a preacher. You think you don't have to answer_ anyone _, least of all God. Hell, in_ your _mind, when it comes to your sins, there_ is _no God."_

_Her glare darkened as she stepped towards the preacher, "Maybe... or maybe not."_

_"But there's still me."_


	30. Interest?

Just curious if anyone is still interested, I'' trying to find deleted old work and see what I can do to update.


	31. Eleanor Rigby

_Ah look at all the lonely people_

He spoke calmly to him, "We're not here for me."

_Ah look at all the lonely people_

Dean turned his body to the woman, raising his eyebrows. "We're here to talk about him."

_Eleanor Rigby, picks up the rice_

"Well, as long as you want to, Castiel," she said with a kind smile.

_In the church where a wedding has been_

His name. His lashes flickered against his pale skin, acknowledging the speaker for the first time. Cas said nothing, raising his eyebrows.

The quiet, soft room was painted in creams and soft plum. He sat on a worn purple couch, Dean adjacent to him. Dean's blue and green flannel was a size too large. The ends brushed Castiel's fingertips like a safety net, waiting to pull him away if things became dangerous.

_Lives in a dream_

Castiel shook the thought away. He found himself disgusted with his pining-dare he call it need.

_Waits at the window_

She smiled, a closed mouth smile, but genuine nonetheless. The woman had welcomed them into her office from the moment their session began. The potted plants and buttery walls of the waiting room invoked a sense of nature and adventure.

Castiel loved nature.

_Wearing the face_

"Castiel, is there anything in particular you would like to discuss?"

He did not love therapy.

_That she keeps in a jar by the door_

  
"Um..." he lifted his lips before they fell into a frown. Even a small smile seemed too much effort.

_Who is it for_

He shrugged his shoulders in a field jacket too large.

_All the lonely people_

Dean's jacket.

_Where do they all come from?_

His fingers tapped against the arms of his faded chair. Castiel had a flashing reminder of the church's tattered, red carpet.

_All the lonely people_

'I had sex with my priest.'

"Not really, no."

_Where do they all belong?_

Dean ran a hand over his face. Cas was quiet, closed off and all eyes. He knew they weren't gonna get anywhere.

"Look Cas..." he raised his hands as he spoke, palms out to the teen.

_Father McKenzie, writing the words_

"I'm-" his hands dropped. He sighed, "I'm not a big sharer and I'm not saying we have to hug each other- but..."

_Of a sermon that no one will hear_

He bit his lip. Awesome.

'Awesome start, Dean. Just great,' he thought.

_No one comes near_

He fleetingly wondered if he should start counting his sighs.

"If that's a way you feel you can receive comfort, I don't see why not," she said kindly.

Dean bit back a laugh. Castiel nodded, quirking a smile.

She was a nice woman, young, intelligent. Soft, laugh lines around her plump lips was the only sign of years lived before Castiel. Her brown hair was soft but tight. The top of her hair looked as if it was drawn against her forehead. The ends of her hair curled into the center of her clover covered chest.

_Look at him working, darning his socks_

She wore a green shirt. It was covered in thin stripes, clean and professional. Her eyes, similar to her voice, were kind, peaceful, intriguing. Castiel liked her right away.

Dean found her amusing.

_In the night when there's nobody there_

He laughed, "I appreciate it but I'm not here to hug anything out."

_What does he care_

"And why not?"

"What?" He sputtered, frustrated the woman continued to focus on him. "I don't know, aren't we here to help Cas?"

"Aren't you here to help Cas?"

"Yeah of course I am! But I don't get why we're following all the cliches."

She raised an eyebrow, attempting to discretely take notes. "All the cliches...?"

_All the lonely people_

Dean's legs grew restless with the time he was wasting, tapping against the cream carpet. His lungs asked for air before sighing. Castiel asked for his patience, cocking his head with wide eyes, eyebrows raised.

_Where do they all come from?_

He sighed, "We're sitting on a couch, you're asking what we want to talk about, you've got a notepad. I don't know the whole thing makes me uncomfortable."

_All the lonely people_

"Well of course," she said, looking as if she too were upset by attending her own sessions.

She probably hated hearing everyone bitch, especially when a guy came to therapy and couldn't even do that.

"It sounds very new to you."

_Where do they all belong?_

Dean looked at her, finding himself furrowing his own brow. "Yeah... it is. I cont spend time on cry couches that often."

He closed his eyes, wincing at his own words. He opened his mouth to make some kind of shitty apology.

She nodded, "If you'd prefer it, the floor is quite soft. Dean, I'm only asking you two what you want to talk about because this is your time."

She gave Cas a soft look, "You as well, Castiel. Do you value your time? Dean you said you have a job and you're both in school, you must have some kind of schedule."

Dean frowned, unsure where she was going with this, "Yeah..."

"Well I wouldn't want to waste your time. And Castiel is important to you?"

"Of course he is!"

Castiel smiled softly, patting his hand.

She nodded and crossed her legs, "Of course he is."

Dean bit his lip, waiting for her to expand on her comment. She didn't. He shook his head, annoyed with himself for encouraging the conversation.

"Look-I... I-"

He smiled with something sour in his mouth. Damn his inability to speak about anything but cars. Or, y'know, beer or Sam.

"I didn't mean that it's not a good idea to come here!"

He really needed to expand his conversation material. Dean sighed again, eyeing the calm woman. He looked at his boyfriend, needing to be understood.

Dean wanted to do this the right way, he wanted to support Cas. He wanted to be there for him this time. For everything.

"Cas, I'm glad you're here. I'm glad I'm here with you. I'm just not the huggy feely type."

_Ah look at all the lonely people_

The doctor paused, scribbling something, "And what do you mean by that, the...huggy feely type?"

Huh.

Spoken aloud, it occurred to Dean how stupid he sounded.

_Ah look at all the lonely people_

He shook his head, "I don't know I just- I don't like- I don't feel comfortable..."

Why was this so difficult for him?

"...talking about myself, I guess."

"Okay," she said with a nod, "I can understand that."

He frowned, "How? You don't go home and have long conversations explaining how past experiences have shaped you into whatever you are now?"

Cas rolled his eyes, "Because that would be so unfortunate."

He smiled, "You're one to talk."

Dean turned to the therapist, "Do you know how long it's taken me to get anything out of this guy? All year."

"I am sorry I am not a chatterbox," Castiel said dismissively. "It is not my fault I am dating someone who believes I need therapy."

"I-" Dean sighed, "I didn't say you ne- you know it might be helpful."

"I do not doubt it's benefits, but I know that you doubt these benefits."

"You two have a lot in common," she noted.

Their eyes snapped to her, "We do?" They asked in unison.

"Of course you do!" She said with a smile. "Now, you two are dating, correct?"

They smiled, blushing in a way she remembered with bleachers and school lunchrooms. Thick, textbooks and big, bubbles from pink chewing gum passed between class. It seemed no matter the time, teenagers were still the same.

Some would say damaged, she preferred the word distant.

Two smiles, "Yes," they said.

"And how long have you known each other?"

Dean paused, "About..." He turned to Castiel, "nine months?"

"Yeah, nine months."

"Nine months, huh?" Dean moved his eyebrows up and down, completely forgetting the psychologist. "Something you want to tell me, Cas?"

He rolled his eyes.

"Yes, it's been nine months and..." he smiled, "you're still an idiot."

Dean whistled, "Someone's gotten cocky."

"You both care about each other," she said with a soft smile, as if she had made some clever announcement.

"Yeah?" Dean raised his eyebrows, "And?"

Her dark hand danced across the white paper on her flowered clipboard, "From what I have heard and seen neither of you care for direct confrontation. Of most any problems."

Dean chuckled, rubbing his neck as he spoke, "Well I mean... you might have a point there, Doc. Cas?"

Cas shrugged, quirking his pale mouth to the side. His elbows rested just above his knees, the gray blue fabric of his shirt blending with faded jeans. His hands were folded, a painting of tranquility.

Dean felt something slimy forcing his throat closed as he looked at Cas. His tongue had dried with whispers of hypocrisy, a need to stay silent. Dean understood rage bubbling inside of a person, he understood the need to control one's own fire.

Red and hot, raging and uncontrollable fury that spilled over its contents until the room was nothing but red. Hot and tangy and thick in your mouth, filling everything and taking everything. A soft desire to protect Cas was consuming him more each day.

Like the shaky, soft need to swoop Sam into his coat. The need he never told anyone about, the need he denied. The need for others to be okay, for him to be okay.

The grays and blues reminded Dean of a broken bird in a cell. Castiel was not broken. He could not be consumed by red, not Cas. Not vibrant, happy, Cas.

Cas who hid all traces of a smile when he was nervous, who pushed people away if he became too nervous. Cas who drove a shitty car he didn't own. Cas who had a panic attack when he thought his sister was dead. Cas who hugged Anna for an hour after she was found.

Cas was yellow and blue and green. Cas was not red. He was happy and intelligent and calming and supportive and kind and thoughtful and a million other things Dean could never tell him. Cas was beautiful.

He didn't deserve to be sad. He was too light. He was soft shapes and colors combining.

Like a church's glass window.

Dean bit his lip, "You sure, Cas?"

He nodded.

"You should know Castiel," the woman cautioned, "that you don't have to say anything if you don't want to. But you can say whatever you'd like. I like to start with stories."

The woman smiled softly, looking at Dean's boyfriend. God she was like a Betty Crocker or something. All sweet and colorful. Dean's mom used to read those cookbooks. She  
taught his tiny eyes to form words from Betty Crocker labels.

Dean smiled back.

"Stories?" Castiel asked with a frown.

"Of course. What better way to talk about yourself comfortably?" Her closed smile parted to show happy, white teeth.

She leaned forward in her seat, as if sharing a well kept secret. Until today, Castiel supposed, it might have been.

"My favorite story was 'The Little Engine that Could'. I read it over and over again."

Dean said nothing, looking at Castiel. The brunette made no move to speak, raising his eyebrows at Dean. The thick lump working up his chest ignored his boyfriend, drying his mouth of words.

Was this how Castiel felt?

He looked away, disappointed in himself for failing Cas already. Why did he agree to this? Either the therapist didn't see the tension, or she was too busy writing.

Dark eyes fell upon him, "What about you, Castiel?"

Her long fingers moved around the pen, progressing up the black grip. She was probably finding the exact way to explain why her clients were so fucked up.

'Damn,' Dean thought.

They hadn't even gotten to how the two met.

Dean hated to bother her with this, she seemed a nice lady. It wasn't her fault Dean was shit at relationships. He knew Cas was holding back an apology to her. She seemed kind, patient, pleasant. She was tall and dark, sturdy.

'Did I just compare Cas' therapist to a goddamn tree?'

Her short sleeves revealed warm chocolate skin a few shades lighter than her hair, moving as she finished writing.

"Books are simpler. Sometimes they're easier to understand than people. For me, the book's message was clear."

*

_Eleanor Rigby_

"You really think sending him to a therapist is gonna help?" Gabriel asked between licks, eyeing his sister.

_Died in the church_

She smiled nervously, her lips falling when she spoke.

_And was buried along with her name_

"I hope so," she sighed, joining him on the porch steps. "It's not like we're doing him any favors."

_Nobody came_

Gabriel's eyes flickered to meet Anna's. He slowly inched closer to Anna, before losing whatever energy that had inspired him. His head slowly pulled the rest of his body against the porch swing.

_Father McKenzie_

His neck rest on the top of the swing, as he slowly turned to face her with soft eyes.

_Wiping the dirt_

"Don't do that," Gabriel whispered.

The quiet words confused her, sounding more like a plead than a request.

_From his hands_

Gabriel didn't plead with anyone. Gabriel sang and danced and shouted and made his presence known. He was not quiet.

_As he walks from the grave_

Her eyes dropped to Gabriel's worm sweats, wrinkled and sad. His shiny blond hair lay flat against his head, sweaty and unkempt. His green sweatshirt, like the rest of him, was running thin and void of energy.

_No one was saved_

His arms laid on the swing's armrests, floppy and tired. The pale wood was chipped and jagged. She wondered if Gabriel could feel the pain through his stained sweatshirt. He smiled at her softly, pale lips barely raising to feign happy feelings long left to wither.

_All the lonely people_

"Do...what?" She said with a frown, cocking her head.

"Don't blame yourself."

_Where do they all come from?_

She wished she hadn't asked, "oh...oh okay."

_All the lonely people_

"Please, Anna."

_Where do they all belong?_

"Just don't blame yourself anymore."

*

Castiel's inhales were even, though his breaths shook on their way out. His blue eyes were fascinated with the floor, holding a better conversation than they'd had in 32 minutes. His back was straight, arms resting on his legs.

The picture of calculated calm.

His eyes were distant, flickering to the door now and again. Castiel wanted to leave. His hands were clasped together. He didn't know what to do with himself.

When, and if, he spoke his voice was flat. Dripping with impartiality. Or a need to seem impartial.

It was not the first time someone hadn't wanted to speak during a season. And if he was silent for 28 more minutes? It still wouldn't be a new experience.

Castiel continued to look at the cream carpet. While he was the face of apathy, Dean shone with nerves. Castiel refused to make eye contact. Dean's green eyes flicked from her to Castiel like a paddleball.

The brunette looked at the floor.

"I understand your sister recommended these sessions."

Eye contact.

"Has she ever tried speaking with you about this?"

Dean stared at Castiel, as if they were both speaking. Castiel was oblivious. His eyes had returned to the floor.

"Does she not speak with you then? I understand not all siblings are close, and with the age gap you might have difficulties communicating. I'm sure you'd like to be close one day, of course. But I don't know Anna, perhaps she is unpleasant, or..."

"Anna isn't unpleasant."

"Then why are the lack of communication? Is she unwilling to discuss you being unhappy? Or wanting to leave school?"

He frowned, "Anna wants to communicate."

Castiel made brief eye contact, "I have no desire to leave school."

"I see, but Anna does?"

"I would assume not, the family is awry."

"Well every family has their problems," she said with a shrug.

Castiel looked at Dean, before looking back to the therapist. "Our family is... not every family."

Her eyes flickered to a small clock. How had Castiel not noticed it?

"Do you recall earlier when I said you both have a lot in common?"

They nodded.

"You seem to care about each other very much."

Dean opened his mouth to agree.

Of course," Castiel said.

She smiled, "Of course."

"You seem very supportive of one another tending to your mental health. Dean, you came to support Castiel today. And Castiel, you want Dean to be more open about his own experiences."

Dean and Castiel eyed one another, Cas smiling softly.

"Dean, you have a lot of compassion for Castiel. Why?"

"Uh..." he rubbed his neck, "because uh, because I care about him?" He cringed, "I mean I do, I do care about him!"

"I...because I really care about him. He shouldn't have to deal with all that on his own."

"And you should?"

Dean sighed, "That's different."

She crossed her legs, "Is Castiel better than you?"

Cas laughed, bitter and low. "You didn't choose what happened to you, Dean."

Her eyes shifted to Castiel, gentle still.

"Castiel, I've noticed you have a lot of understanding in Dean's case. Why don't you try having the same compassion you have for Dean, for yourself?"

He sighed, shifting awkwardly in his seat. He avoided her eyes.

"Could you try that, Castiel? Having a little more compassion for yourself?"

"I..."

'Compassion? For a disgusting whore like yourself?'

"I..." he looked at Dean, who smiled at him. "I can try."

She smiled, "That's a good start." 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you guys so, so much for comments! I hope you enjoyed the chapter, it's something I've been wanting to do for a while. Let me know if you're interested in the direction it's taking!


	32. Yer Blues

If nothing else, Castiel can drive.

_2,3_

_'My name is Castiel.'_

_Yes I'm lonely_

'I _am 18 years old.'_

_Wanna die_

_'I have five siblings.'_

_Yes I'm lonely_

_'Michael_.'

_Wanna die_

_'Luc-_

_Naomi.'_

_If I ain't dead already_

_'Gabriel.'_

_Ooh girl_

_'Anna.'_

_You know the reason why_

_'I am a senior in high school.'_

Students buzzed around him, high squeals of a late party in the dead of night. A party: red cups and brown bottles with amber liquid sloshing onto borrowed tops and ripped jeans. His desk was steadying beneath him, as the whispers of drunken acts continued.

"No she was stumbling around and laughing about everything," Lisa said, brown eyes flickering from face to face of her gathered crowd.

Ruby's tan skin squeaked against the desk. Her chair scraped over the floor as she moved towards the other brunette. Students' chairs scraped back and forth; their nails clacked against their desks in her presence; their soft voices rose and fell with giggles and drunken memories.

"What did she say?" Ruby asked while taking Lisa's chair.

Lisa paused at the teen's smirk. Ruby ignored it, making herself comfortable in Lisa's chair. The surrounded girls fell silent as Ruby placed her black converse on Lisa's desk.

Her intense, chocolate eyes flickered up to meet the smiling cheerleader.

Lisa faltered. "She- well I- I don't really know. I got her a cab, sent her home. She was using something crazy, though."

Ruby raised her eyebrows before calmly speaking, "What was it? How much did she take? Where'd she get it?"

"I don't know, Ruby, geez," Lisa said with a frown. "I was drunk, I got her a ride."

Castiel shook himself, _'Focus on a single feeling.'_

The dress shirt he wore was white, cotton. It was soft and buttoned. The soft breeze against his hands was comforting.

Mrs. Mosley kept her windows open in the spring. She said it circulated their energy and brightened the room. He shook his head, he was getting off track.

_'My name is Castiel._

_I am 18 years old.'_

_'And you're losing your mind,'_ it whispered.

_'You see a therapist. You're going mad, Castiel.'_

_'No, gone mad.'_

Soft taps against the floor spoke of the thorny girl before her voice.

Meg gracefully slid into the next clunky desk, "Hey, take care of that English paper yet?"

His lips pulled to the side, offering (he hoped) a smile.

Castiel retrieved the paper from his blue folder, "need help?"

Meg smiled at the fearless answer. Castiel, offering his perfect homework to Meg without a single complaint? Life was full of surprises, and not all of those had to be grades and dead beat dads.

She grinned like a Cheshire Cat, "You think so little of me? Although I do appreciate the offer."

"I- I'm sorry, I meant no offense."

"Don't worry about it, Clarence." She clicked her tongue, crossing her black boots and pulling out a crinkled paper. " It's too bad I actually did it this time."

Castiel frowned, "I apologize Meg. I did not mean to suggest you had not completed your work."

She laughed, "You wouldn't have been in the wrong if you had. Writing any paper is the worst, especially research papers!"

Castiel smiled softly as she rolled her eyes. Her dark head fell back with a gratuitous sigh.

"Mosley knows what happened in _every war on earth!_ What could I possibly research and reword that she hasn't already taught us?"

She crossed her denim clad legs, combat boots clunking onto the old desk. Meg sighed, resting her cheek on her palm. She shook her head, pulling her hand out to examine chipped nail polish.

The polish was silver and splotchy. Castiel had seen her create colorful swirls of dark blues and hot pinks, shimmery dark silvers. She once created a striped pattern of neon polish.

He still couldn't understand the mechanics of her work.

She'd painted Castiel's own nails in middle school, mostly at her own insistence.

Meg rolled her eyes again, her arms moving as she spoke. "She's great and all but every battle on the goddamn earth turns into an entire class of 'lives lost' and 'the emotional turmoil of rebellion and reluctance'."

He chuckled, smiling as she continued to weave her own complex stories.

"There could be a three hour battle without a single causality, both sides coming to a peaceful agreement and she'd wax poems about 'love in war.'"

She laughed, "The woman's an undiscovered author trying to get her fills from high school students- _senior_ high school students at that. For god's sake I'm not Leo Tolstoy."

"She knows the details of every war on earth?" He asked with a smile. "That sounds like a rather time consuming study."

She frowned, her hand returning to chin. "Seriously? That's what you took from all of that?"

"It was an intriguing statistic."

"Alright everyone, y'all better be settling down," Mrs. Mosley said as she closed the classroom door.

Her voice reminded Castiel of the chimes Anna hung on their porch, bright and gentle and beautiful.

"Now hand in your papers, we've got a busy day ahead of us. I'm sure you don't need me to remind you the school year's coming to an end."

*

While Castiel was calm and fluid, Dean seemed curdled and agitated. Castiel noticed Dean's rigid posture from across the room. His mouth was twisted into something sour.

His long, tan fingers flipped through a faded textbook before slamming it shut. Castiel frowned, walking up to his boyfriend.

Study hall was usually Dean's favorite class.

Albeit was mostly due to his lack of studying. Still, Castiel always began class with one of Dean's beautiful, blinding smiles. He felt a weight building in his stomach with the knowledge that today would not be the same.

Castiel strode between the long wooden tables, squeezing between a group of frantic juniors bent over several textbooks. Perhaps that was the reason behind Dean's mannerisms. Finals upset everyone.

"Good morning, Dean," Cas spoke cautiously.

Dean grunted.

Books of every shape and size lay around Dean. Some books lay open while others built up to a shaky tower of biographies and dictionaries. Castiel cocked his head at the uneven stack.

"I see you are vehemently delving into your studies," he said awkwardly.

When he was still met with silence, Castiel frowned and pulled out a chair. The chair's legs screeched against the floor. They both cringed.

Castiel attempted a brief smile. But the clouds around Dean seemed darker today, and a grin would not change that. Castiel's tight smile fell back into its natural frown.

Deciding honesty was best, Castiel did not waste time assaulting the wilderness.

He heard a dark laugh within himself, _'Assault.'_

' _Not now,'_ he thought with a frown.

He looked back at Dean. His leather jacket bunched around his tense shoulders. His soft hands held a number two pencil, threatening the poor utensil with each second.

It cracked in Dean's grip.

"You seem troubled," Castiel said abruptly. "Of course, that's a primary aspect of your personality so-"

"God I hate when you do that," Dean said with a smile.

His green eyes looked so thin, lost within the lopsided smile he wore. Dean sighed, flipping a page in the book he was not reading. Castiel frowned, following his white fingertips.

"I'm...I'm sorry?"

Dean pushed the book across the table, gathering looks and surprised whispered from nearby students. He glared at Castiel. If Dean's eyes had looked thin before, they seemed anything but now. His dark, jade orbs were wide and unblinking, focused on Castiel.

"Stop saying you're _sorry_ ," he hissed.

"I-" his eyes widened. "I didn't mean-"

Castiel gulped, eyes dropping to his hands. He grabbed at his trench coat. His fingers circled the coat's brown buttons.

Why was he wearing a coat inside anyways?

It was the end of April. It was stupid of him to be wearing a coat. He would only become overheated and sweat and disgusting.

Castiel could practically feel the stench of sweat sitting on his skin. Embarrassing. He wrinkled his nose as icy fingers began to tie knots in his stomach.

_'Stupid.'_

_'You're supposed to be smart, aren't you? Isn't that how you make everything okay?'_

Dean was staring at him.

_'Stop being a child. You're nothing more than a disobedient child.'_

Why had he put on a coat this morning? It was warm outside, he should known better. He should have known better.

_'College starts in a few months.'_

_'Focus on Dean,'_ he told himself. _'Focus on Dean, he needs you.'_

 _'Don't make everything about yourself for once,'_ it sneered.

"I'm- I'm sorry," Castiel whispered.

His voice sounded high and whiny, like a pig crying for help.

He squeezed his eyes closed, "I- I mean- I-"

Castiel fumbled with the coat he had just buttoned. When had he done that? It was stupid of him to wear this, stupid of him to button the coat indoors, stupid of him to question Dean.

His insides churned.

He wished he hadn't said anything to Dean. He wished he'd just kept his mouth shut. He wished he didn't always have to ruin things, he wished-

"Hey," Dean interrupted.

Castiel exhaled sharply, his blue eyes focusing on Dean. Dean, who had turned his chair towards Castiel and abandoned his cracking number two pencil. It lay forgotten on the table.

He watched the yellow utensil roll across the table, cracked with Dean's anger. Broken, was a more appropriate word. It continued to roll away, making little sound as it fell to the carpet.

The yellow wood lay in pieces on the floor.

He felt a calming sensation wrapping around him, like cushions in a madhouse. Was he really that crazy? Tan hands lay over his own. Wait what, who was touching him? He looked up in- oh.

Castiel met Dean's eyes.

A warm glint of silver rested on Castiel's knuckle. Mary's wedding ring. Dean's mother, Mary, the woman who died in a fire.

Dean ran his thumb over Castiel's clammy hands.

Cas grimaced, how did Dean not gag at his touch? He tried to pull his disgusting hands back. Dean's hands moved with him before he gently slipped his fingers from Castiel's grip.

Dean looked at him softly, any trace of anger long gone.

He spoke softly, "Are you okay?"

"Are you?"

Dean laughed, ignoring the teacher's glare, "I asked you first."

"Well actually, I was trying to ask you first so I win," Castiel said with a small smile.

Dean turned his chair towards his books. As quickly as Dean had opened, he'd become closed off and locked the door behind him. Leaving Castiel alone in the cold.

"I'm fine."

*

School moved slowly that day. Once Castiel noticed Dean's mood, he couldn't look away. With every aching moment Dean grew quieter and more frustrated.

His freckled hands were continually clenching into a fist as his red mouth twisted with something sharp and angry.

Castiel knew it was irrational to take responsibility for Dean's mood. But if he could just make him happy (instead of demanding Dean's attention for once) maybe he could help.

_'Stupid whore.'_

_'Why would he tell you_ anything _?'_

Jo pestered Dean at lunch, hitting his arm when he refused to acknowledge her. Charlie attempted a gentler approach before snagging a handful of Dean's fries. It was clear no one was going to reach him by the end of lunch.

Castiel found himself staring at Jessica, who seemed as lost as Castiel.

Sam seemed quieter as well, his normally attentive eyes wandered the cafeteria. He asked Jess to repeat herself twice. She laid a dark hand on his shoulder, frowning when she received little acknowledgement.

Jess, Sam, and Ash left lunch for the same class, but Sam still seemed trapped in a different time zone. He was too slow. He was out of touch with his surroundings and out of reach to his friends.

At lunch's end, the bell broke Dean from his staring match with the clock. Charlie and Jo raised their eyebrows at Castiel.

He briefly lifted his lips before following Dean.

*

Andy continued to tap his pencil against his desk. The incessant noise had been pounding against Sam's ears all class. It was as if all other noise flew past him, but the constant slap of the pencil against Andy's desk was cutting into his brain.

Mr. Hadlum moved up and down the room, stopping to rest at his podium.

The classroom was cluttered with books and papers of all kinds. Most importantly, there were students looking forward to summer, begrudgingly accepting homework. At least, they were supposed to be accepting more homework.

Sam's classmates thought wasting time would take care of tonight's assignment.

All they needed to do was distract their English teacher with a rousing literary commentary.

Sam knew they would be assigned homework either way. He sighed as Julia Brown attempted to start another extensive class discussion. The sooner Mr. Hadlum stopped talking, the sooner Sam could start on his work.

"What human traits do you think affected Romeo and Juliet the most, Mr. Hadlum?"

"Well Romeo and Juliet's human flaws have much to do with their tragic story," he said with a knowing smile. "Which you will expand upon tonight."

"What if they'd just told their families?" Kevin asked.

Sam stared at his friend, who shrugged his shoulders in response. He sighed, doling his eyes at the whispers of other freshmen. If they'd stop wasting time with these ridiculous distractions...

He raised his eyebrows as other students began firing off questions.

"I think they should have been more open," Beth said with a wide smile.

Her smile brightened, revealing white teeth wrapped in blue wires. "Jason and I tell each other everything. So... I guess we're like an upgraded, modern Romero and Juliet."

"Oh please," Anne scoffed. "The only thing you and Jason have in common with those two is how fast you got together after his Rosaline left him."

Beth's mouth dropped open to expose her bright retainer, "That is not true!"

"Girls," the teacher scolded. "I hardly think this is the appropriate time to discuss your own relationships. You can save personal examples for tonight's homework."

"Well I just don't see any examples in the text," Xavier said with a frown.

The 14 year old held back a sigh, eyeing his friend. Sam and Kevin had been friends all year and quickly developed an unspoken language. But the raven haired boy was busy furiously scribbling notes.

Sam raised his eyebrows and stared at Kevin until he looked up, 'Did this have to happen today?'

Kevin shrugged, 'Sorry?'

The boys had a small number of classes together; English was always the same. It was taken over by drama and unenthusiastic students. Sam had already been assigned hours of homework, he'd done the math (he held back a laugh at the unintentional joke).

English was the only class where his teacher would speaking before the bell.

If Mr. Hadlum didn't assign the homework soon, Sam would have even more work tonight.

"But we can't really relate to them, can we?" Eric continued in his bored, monotone voice. "I'm not gonna get married after three days."

"Well what can we learn from them, anyways?" Charlotte exclaimed, not even bothering to raise her hand.

He held back a sigh- it was the same dance every day.

"Communication," Sam said, running a hand over his face. "Don't let family history take away your happiness. When you find something that makes you happy, hold on and don't let go."

"Looks like we've got our own Romeo right here," Ruby said with a smirk, standing in the doorway.

Ruby was an office aid during her fifth hour. Or at least, Sam assumed the senior was an office aid. She always seemed to be stopping by.

Not that Sam was expecting her or anything.

Sam groaned, "Its not romantic, it's just what's in the book. I mean it ends with Romeo and Juliet _taking their lives!_ How is that not the _best and worst_ example of the importance of communication?"

The class was silent for once, Ruby smirking as Mr. Hadlum held out his hand, accepting the office's papers. She smiled, lip pulling up as if a hook was caught in her face. She looked over at Sam, raising her eyebrows.

"Wait..." Andy frowned, turning to Sam. "Romeo and Juliet kill themselves?"

"Mr. Winchester, I'd prefer you not teach the class of an act we have not yet read," the teacher said with a frown. "Some people have not finished the book."

"Wha-" Sam spluttered, throwing his hands in the air. "This is 'Romeo and Juliet'! How'd you guys think it was going to end? Everybody knows they die!"

Ruby snorted, ignoring the Mr. Hadlum's glare.

"Mr. Winchester," the teacher spoke sternly, moving from his podium. "You will not receive extra points for reading ahead or revealing the ending to those who have not."

Sam sighed, slumping against his desk.

*

_In the morning_

Dean sighed, throwing the bills onto the table. He ran a tired hand over his face.

"Go upstairs, Sam," he said with a sigh, falling into the kitchen chair.

_Wanna die_

Sam said nothing, staring at the ground.

The ugly, white and yellow tiled floor reminded him of a bee he'd found outside one of their old schools. It's body had been soft and faded, all dried up and dead with crinkled wings and a fuzzy body. Sam had stared at it for hours.

When Sam had stood up to leave he ran right into Dirk MacGregor. Dirk called him a freak and told him he should quit playing with dead shit. Sam had laughed for a while.

_In the evening_

It stopped being funny when Dirk told him to crush its carcass under his foot.

_Wanna die_

Sam looked at the piles of invoices, "But Dean-"

"Go upstairs!"

_If I ain't dead already_

Sam sighed, running up the stairs before closing his door. Dean looked at the cracked kitchen table, shoulders slumping under the weight. Every scattered bill seemed to glare at him, blaming Dean for their existence.

Hot water from too many showers, electricity from watching too much tv, car insurance-

Dad let him drive the car, the least Dean could do was plan for her bills. His eyes flickered over the room's cracks and dirty dishes, searching for answers he knew he wouldn't find.

_Ooh girl_

The room was dusty and dark, pollen floating all around him.

Dean rubbed his dry eyes with the palms of his hands. He collapsed into the couch and was disgusted with dust clouds that arose. How could things be this dirty?

_You know the reason why_

The phone rang from the kitchen. It was an annoying, incessant tone until there was a click and a stranger asking when John could come in for a meeting. Probably some meeting with the electric company, or a new interview.

Dean sighed. It wasn't fair that dad had to pay for everything, hunt everything, do everything on his own. Dean sighed again, maybe he should go back to attending class three times a week.

After all he only had a few weeks left, right?

Then he'd graduate and he could help his dad full time. No more extended hunting trips ("But dad it's been months since we've seen you." "Yeah I can read a calendar, Dean. I'm trying my best here." "Yes, sir."), no more Sam pretending he was okay, no more being alone.

It was the old dream: him and dad smiling together. The oldest Winchesters hunting and bringing home grub for Sam.

The three of them, together.

And all Dean had to do was make time for his family.

*

_My mother was of the sky_

She smiled at him, waiting for Castiel to answer. He stared back. He gave no words but his posture painted an interesting picture.

_My father was of the earth_

His shoulders were pulled in, tense under a tan coat he had not removed upon entering her office.

_But I am of the universe_

"So, how have you been Castiel?"

He shrugged, eyes glued to the floor.

_And you know what it's worth_

She smiled, "Could you expand upon that?"

_I'm lonely_

After five minutes in silence, it seemed clear he would not being expand on the question.

_Wanna die_

"So last time we were together you brought Dean along. Was he unable to attend today?"

Castiel shook his head.

_If I ain't dead already_

"I see, has he become less supportive?"

_Ooh girl you know the reason why_

"...No," he replied softly.

His eyes fell to the floor and his teeth to his lip. Castiel continued to worry on his lip, saying nothing.

"Castiel?" She asked calmly , brown eyes resting on the boy and his rigid posture. "You know whatever is said in this room is always private, right?"

He cautiously met her eyes.

"It will not be shared with anyone outside of this room. Not even Dean."

"This is ridiculous," he scoffed, looking away.

She leaned forward in her chair, "Why do you think it ridiculous?"

"Well obviously Dean supports me," he dismissed.

She nodded, "Obviously."

"Well he- he listens to me and is always checking up on me. He's always asking me if I am okay and-" he closed his eyes, "of course he supports me."

"Does that upset you?"

"Wha- no it does not upset me. Why would I be upset with Dean for supporting me?"

"Well, did you ask Dean to check on you?"

He frowned, cocking his head, "What do you mean?"

"When Dean asks if you are okay, is it because you asked him for help?"

"Well, no. He is just concerned. I cannot say I blame him. I consistently find myself upset by unimportant matters."

"What kind of matters upset you?"

"I do not know," he said, irritated.

 _Irrationally_ irritated- why was he so irrational?

"I do not enjoy disappointing people. I mean-" he sighed, staring at his hands once more. "Of course I do not enjoy disappointing people, it is not some commonly preferred pastime. But I feel..."

She raised her eyebrows.

He sighed, "I do not know what I feel."

"Hold on, you were working towards something. What were you going to say, Castiel?"

"I-" he bit his lip, hands tangled in the ends of his coat. "I... w-when I- when I am... around Dean, I feel...I feel h-happy. Light and wonderful and as if I have been swept from- from the world and into a constellation," he said with a soft smile.

"Like I am looking in on something new and... and beautiful. I am elated, but... this- this is ridiculous."

"Castiel," she said softly.  
"Whatever you feel is not ridiculous. We all have reasons for the things we feel, even if they aren't always clear to us."

"I just..." he sighed, "I do not know how to explain this. I care for Dean- greatly- but I am afraid of what he entails."

'She won't understand, whore. No one understands.'

"And what is that?"

"...Um... well... Happiness," Castiel whispered.

"Sometimes I- I feel as if he has swept me up, like when I am with him I am safe and... a better version of me that I did not know.... I did not know I could be. But sometimes I find that enrapture... restraining, or capable of holding him back. I am surrounded by Dean and his... kindness and bravery and selflessness. And by surrounding myself with him I have clouded up his life."

"Like a-" he sighed, biting his lip. "Like a stain on your window shield or a smudge on a glass vase.... like I am... dirt under the sun." He met her eyes, "Like I am unclean."

She shook her head, watching him with soft eyes.

"Castiel I am _so sorry_ you feel that way. That sounds awful. I can't imagine how hard it must be to see yourself in that light."

Castiel frowned; she did seem sorry. Her dark eyes were resting on him with...sympathy?

_'Pity, she pities you. You're pathetic.'_

"Wha- it is not a burden," he said with a frown.

"To go around thinking you're lesser than others?" Her eyes were filled with pain as she spoke, betraying her otherwise calm demeanor. "That sounds so painful, Castiel."

He scoffed, "That's just... how I live my life. Why are you saying these things to me?"

"Do you think it is okay for people to think of themselves as dirty or wrong?"

_'She's onto you. She's trying to take this away, trying to change you.'_

"It's obvious these thoughts upset you. But Castiel you have to realize that they are just that: thoughts. And you don't have to believe those thoughts."

"But I..." he paused, it seemed off to say it aloud. "I... _am_ dirty."

_'Exactly. You know what you are, whore.'_

"I-"

 _'Don't let this bitch try and lie to you.'_  
  
He gasped, eyes dropping to the floor. He exhaled shakily; his feeble hands pawed at the couch. He could not steady himself.

Her sweater brushed her chair as she leaned forward, "Castiel?"

"I-" he cleared his throat, before whispering something like a bad secret. "I don't like these thoughts."

_'You're such a child. Spoiled is what you are- you don't like it Castiel? Too goddamn bad. Grow up.'_

He closed his eyes, hands moving to his trench coat. Why was he wearing that again?

_'Don't start that again. Always such a drama queen. Ha, queen. Get it? Cause you're a faggot.'_

He put a hand to his head- why couldn't he relax?

"I don't- I do not... feel like myself."

He waited for her to say something but she only looked at him, nodding.

_'If you're going to ruin everything you mine as well talk, dumbass.'_

"I do not... sound like myself, with these thoughts. Which is- I mean, that's stupid. Of course I sound like myself I- I am myself. Who else would I be?"

_'A preacher's boy,' it hissed. 'You just love your church, don't you?'_

"I don't- I feel like I am crazy. I think all of these things but it doesn't- it does not seem like it is me having these thoughts. I say things- no no I think things that are..."

His breath shook, _"Horrible."_

_The eagle picks my eye_

She nodded, watching this poor boy speak of so much agony and pain. Castiel rarely rested his blue eyes on her. He was always looking past her or to the floor, a clear sign of shame.  
  
_The worm he licks my bone_

"What kind of thoughts, Castiel? About your life?"

"Predominantly, they are about me."

She waited for a further explanation but it seemed she would receive none.

_I feel so suicidal_

"How long have you had these thoughts?"

_Just like Dylan's Mr. Jones_

He chuckled, "A while."

_Lonely_

Castiel briefly thought of Dean. Were Dean here he would likely point out the similarity between Cas and Edward Cullen. He could picture his cheeky grin now, with 'how long have you been 17, Cas?'

_Wanna die_

"It is difficult to remember exactly when they began. I faced some... difficulties, when I was younger but I do not remember feeling this way until 12 or 13 years of age."

_If I ain't dead already_

"They- I mean my thoughts, contaminate... almost everything."

_Ooh girl you know the reason why_

"Oh my-" he chuckled. "I am sorry that I sound insane."

"You aren't insane, Castiel. But you do see yourself in a way that sounds cruel and unfair to you. And you know, you can change that. It's important not to give those thoughts too much power. Because that is your power to give, to whatever you want. You don't have to feel that way about yourself."

"I know it is stupid to think-"

"Hold on," she said with a smile.

"You don't know. Let me explain. When you have those thoughts, remember they are just thoughts. They are not rules you have to bend to or lessons you must learn, they are only thoughts."

He nodded.

"You are learning and changing, and your brain can produce different ideas and conclusions. When I was little I wanted to be an artist. I thought about painting my walls, but in the end I decided against it because I liked the purple stripes in my bedroom. You can have thoughts about anything you want, but you don't have to believe or act upon them. If you'd like to, you can even look at those thoughts and then move on."

He nodded, making hesitant eye contact.

"For example if you have a negative thought about yourself you can look at it. You can say to yourself, 'What an interesting thought.' But you have millions of thoughts a day, and you can move on from any thought you want."

"Um..."

_'Wow, what an intelligent response, Castiel.'_

He frowned, "That sounds pleasant but how can I move on from thoughts of... well, thoughts that.... that- that I am worthless?"

She nodded, "It may seem daunting at first, but that's only because people so often think their thoughts are binding. They really aren't. Castiel, have you ever tried examining your thoughts? Not in a negative way, but just looking at your thoughts and wondering,'what inspired this thought?'"

"Not really, no."

"Well the next time you have a negative thought- about anything. It could be yourself, schoolwork, people you know because thoughts do just occur to us and it isn't our fault for processing what is around us- I would suggest you look at your thinking. Ask yourself, 'Hm, I wonder what inspired this thought?' Use it as an opportunity to learn more about yourself and what's going on around you."

"I put my thoughts on display," Castiel said, nodding. "Like an examination table, a science experiment?"

She smiled, "Like a science experiment or an examination. You can lay your thoughts out and just look at them. And Castiel, this isn't for you to judge yourself on any of your thinking. This is just an opportunity to look at your thoughts and explore a bit. And if you find yourself thinking things you don't want to, don't scold your mind. It's alright to have thoughts, it's just your brain processing. You can just decide, 'well that's an interesting thought. Okay, on to something else.'"

He sighed, "You make it sound so easy."

She smiled, "Things are only as difficult as you think, Castiel. Your views of yourself, the world, other people, are just routines formed in your mind. And if at any time you want to change? You have the power to do that."

*

Castiel left the office feeling lighter than he had in years.

_Black cloud crossed my mind_

She did make everything sound easy, of course. But maybe that's because it was, at least in theory. His sneakers slapped the concrete as he awaited his ride.

_Blue mist round my soul_

He scanned the parking lot, looking for Anna or Gabriel. He still had a lot to explain to them, a lot to tell. Like why he was even attending therapy.

_'You have to inconvenience everyone with your insanity, don't you?'_

He almost laughed, now why had he thought that? His laugh was cut off by the slicing response within his mind.

_Feel so suicidal_

_'I'm controlling you? I_ am _you, you whore! It's not_ my fault _you've soiled us. You ruin_ everything _for us. Not even the good things matter anymore.'_

_Even hate my rock 'n' roll_

Realization forced his stomach to drop, a knife sliding down his organs.

_Wanna die yeah wanna die_

He had been so honest with her, more honest than he'd ever been with anyone. More than honest than he'd been with Anna or Dean. And she was a complete stranger.

_If I ain't dead already_

He hadn't meant to tell her anything, what was she doing telling him what to do? She didn't know, she wouldn't- couldn't know. His insides churned as his ride pulled up, lights glaring onto his sweaty face.

_'God what have I done?'_

_Ooh girl you know the reason why_

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading everyone! Sam's encounter with his teacher was actually based off of a real encounter I had with my own teacher, hard to believe I know lol. Let me know what you guys think- how do you feel about Dean's behavior, Cas' therapist? Thanks for reading!


	33. It's Only Love

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Castiel is surprised at his driver's identity. Sam and Castiel converse. Sam and Jess find themselves in an awkward situation. Castiel confronts Dean.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WARNINGS : Self loathing, depression, sad mind states, language. 
> 
> If these subjects, or any past subjects, in the story are disturbing or upsetting to you I want to let everyone know I always here to chat.

Castiel stepped into the car, clicking his seat belt as he looked out the window. The small, white building hardly seemed intimidating from Anna's car. He turned his head to thank her and was surprised by the driver.

Next to him sat neither Gabriel nor Anna. His eyes flickered to the window as he lowered it, the air seeming stuffy. He welcomed the cool breeze of the night to play with his hair. 

She wet her lips before changing gears. 

"Naomi," he said with a frown. 

"What are you doing here?"

She didn't meet his eye.

"I’m picking you up, _obviously_."

She winced, and seemed almost _sheepish_ when she next spoke.

"No one else could make it."

Naomi offered no further explanation before she rolled out of the dark parking lot. Castiel moved a pale hand to his window. She closed her eyes, allowing his smudgy fingers to run along the scarlet vehicle.

The only sounds were the train carts clacking over the rusted railroad. Castiel crossed his legs. His legs pushed into the old dashboard, he quickly uncrossed them. Naomi tapped her fingers against the steering wheel. 

A car horn startled them both. Castiel turned to discover the problem; Naomi adjusted herself and looked ahead. He assumed the honk to have been an accident as they were all waiting in the same traffic jam. The night settled into silence once more.

The train continued to chug over the tacks.

"So...how was your... appointment?"

Castiel frowned, feeling his mouth pull with the discomfort of this new interaction. He scanned his surroundings, taking in the messy car of scattered textbooks and water bottles. Her normally slick bun was loose and tangled, allowing strands to fall around her face. 

He bit his lip, "fine."

Her eyes fell to the steering wheel, the blue Volvo switching into their lane, then Castiel. 

She nodded, "Good."

*

"So Naomi picked you up? Geez that must have been awkward."

Castiel nodded, closing his locker.

 "I had similar feelings to the African American in the recent horror film," he explained, dodging a nervous looking sophomore. 

He frowned, turning back to her. "Do you need help?" 

She shook her head, running down the hall. "I’m late!"

Castiel nodded, returning to the Winchester. "By this I mean I felt uncomfortable around those I should seek comfort in."

Sam laughed, "Are you talking about 'Get Out'?"

"Putting aside from the fact that I am white and therefore will never have to live in fear of racial profiling, paranormal or not, yes."

Students rushed around them, heading for class as their lunch was brought to an unfortunate end. Sam and Castiel were lucky enough to have the later lunch hour. Castiel did enjoy his conversations with the younger Winchester. 

They often revolved around Zeppelin, as the puppy had grown very close to Samuel. 

Sam nodded, "It was definitely a scrupulous movie. Y'know it wasn't just about jump scares, or showing blood. It showed real, human conflict and managed to make you laugh while shrinking back from real events and behaviors in our country."

 "Yes my feelings exactly. Dean insisted we go to the movies, and I do not believe either of us expected such an honest and intriguing commentary on benevolent racism."

"Right? It was such a creative way to continue conversations on racism and mistreatment." He rolled his eyes, "It's insane how we still have to discuss why racism is wrong. The other day Ruby and I were talking about society and just how screwed up it is. Do y'know this kid was messing with her the other day before I'd started talking to her?"

Castiel nodded, concern tangling between his ribs as their conversation continued to the brunette. His blue rested on the tall boy, feeling as if Sam was under scratched glass. He seemed contained, held back and shaken.

He was not himself.

What was he? Sam said something to him, a soft voice of ups and downs. Castiel had understood nothing.

His friend seemed out of focus, fuzzy, brown pixels mixed with dots of red and yellow. Sam's books? Classroom doors closed and opened around them, students creating a current of whispers and squeals.

He was reminded of pigs before the slaughter. Castiel looked to the blur that was Sam, intent on listening. Something seemed off. 

Sam seemed lost in an unspoken problem. Their sneakers squeaked against the dirty floors as students laughed and squealed over the lunch bell. He heard the bell and their whispers; the squeaks of worn sneakers and cold, hard blue lockers slamming shut. 

Everyone inhaled around him, carbon dioxide mixing with oxygen before returning to hundreds of bodies. Bells were ringing in his ear, Sam's voice a gargled wind round his head. His head ached with something fuzzy and hot.

Someone knocked into him.

"Sorry!"

His back hit a small locker, his knee hit the ground. Castiel noticed the thick textbooks sprawled around him. He shook his head, attempting to leave the fog he had found himself looking through.

Hands were on him, running up his sleeve.

 "Cas are you alright?

"W-what?"

He didn't sound like himself. He sounded fearful and far away. Castiel took in a shallow breath.

What was wrong with him?

Books were in his hands- how? Shakespeare's name fluttered across his eye like a swaying leaf, or a butterfly.

' _Always a child, aren't we? Not a very manly thought.'_

Castiel sighed, rolling his eyes. He couldn't think of a butterfly now?  _That_  was against the rules? 

"That's everything, right?" 

Hazel eyes were staring back at him, clear as day. 

Sam.

"Yes, that's everything. ...Thank you, Sam."

"Sure you're alright, man? That was a rough fall."

 Because Castiel was a psychopath, he decided to laugh. He sat on the floor, books in hand, and laughed. Sam's eyes widened.

He cleared his throat, "I've had worse falls, Sam."

The brother nodded slowly, crouched next to him. 

"Right..."

 He offered a large, strong hand. Castiel ignored his thoughts, knowing it only offered kindness. Sam would not hurt anyone. Castiel stood to his feet, apologizing as the two continued to the cafeteria.

"Seems like you could use a break too, Cas." 

He clutched his books to his ribs like a shield, "I suppose we all could, yes."

The cafeteria was cool and welcoming, in contrast to the hot, crowded halls. Dean spotted them from across the room, waving. Jo laughed at something Ash had said, before stealing a fry from his tray. 

Sam smiled, eyeing Castiel before walking ahead. Castiel hurried to match his friend's pace. The freshman frowned, looking back at the hallway.

Sam turned to him, "I just wish I could get away sometimes, y'know?"

*

He pondered Sam's questions for the remainder of Thursday. Get away from what? He considered discussing this with Dean, but did not want to breach Sam's privacy. 

After all, Sam had told him this in confidence. Castiel doubted Sam would appreciate him sharing the discussion with Dean. Dean still seemed restless, waiting to shoot down a problem Castiel could not see.

Castiel knew it was there, whatever the conflict was. Whether Castiel would learn the name of this demon was uncertain. But this didn't stop him from consulting Sam on his demons.

The boy was parting with a friend of his, Kevin Tran. Dean once told him Sam made friends like a traffic light. The friends would arrive faster, faster, faster and then... stop. 

He also told Cas it made Sam better and worse at making friends. He knew the steps to secret handshakes and saved seats on the bus, but he was eager to fit in, eager to be happy. And this desire for happiness often left Sam drowning in misery.

Perhaps that was one of many reasons behind Castiel approaching him.

Castiel frowned, eyeing his friend wearily as he spoke. "What exactly did you mean earlier, Sam? When you said you wanted to... get away? With Ruby?" 

Sam frowned, watching Kevin walk away. He turned to his locker, shaking his head. 

"What- no of course not! She's just made some good points is all. I don't mean I should, I just... I don't know. Forget it."

Castiel frowned, staring at Sam. He shrugged, fidgeting under the senior's gaze.

"I will  _not_  forget it. Dean says my people skills have improved drastically. I can assure you I am an excellent source of comfort."

Sam laughed, looking at the ground. "I'm just ready for the year to over, I guess."

Castiel nodded, ignoring students mingling around them. He raised a hand to Sam's shoulder, ignoring the three inches between them as patted his shoulder.

"Um... There, there," he said in his low voice.

Sam smiled, shaking his head, "Thank you, Cas. You are a great socialist."

"You are welcome," he said with a small smile. "I've read that the highest ranking is that of a butterfly, but I should prefer to be a 'social  _bee_ ' if that is alright."

"I'm sure it will be great, Cas."

*

Sam had been watching Castiel the rest of the day. Their eyes met constantly, whether that was due to Sam's watchful gaze or Castiel's he didn't know. Of course, Castiel had seemed rattled since Anna went missing.

Actually, to be honest Castiel had seemed rattled with or without Anna around. But Sam was glad she was back! Of course he was glad! God that sounded bad.

He just didn't understand what was bothering Cas, what he wanted. Jess was always good with these things, looking at people and seeing what they needed. Sam asked her what she thought between their shared classes.

"I don't think he necessarily...  _wants_  anything," Jess explained as students scurried around them.

"Cas always seems... I don't know, distant. Not in a bad way, if that makes sense. He just seems reserved, I guess."

"No I get what you mean," Sam echoed, head in his locker.

Jess laughed, eyes closing as her head moved back against the next locker. She shook her head at his antics. Sam had grown a few inches since they'd met, and she was sure he'd continue to grow.

This made it difficult to search through his locker, a short, gray metal square. He was currently bent in half, head in his locker. The hallway's large, white clock ticked as she waited for Sam to find his biology book.

"I think he wants to let something  _go_ , if anything. Or move past it. He always seems burdened, weighed down. But... I don't know."

She bit her lip, "I mean I'm three years younger than him. I don't really know what's going on in his life. And with his sister only being back for a few weeks he has more than enough reason to be distracted. I can't reach any conclusions from where I stand."

She went to push herself off the locker and gasped.

Sam pulled his bent form from his locker, casting a shadow over her when he stood at full height. He looked down, seeing her grimace. Her teeth were whitening the center of her lip as she held something back. 

Sam's eyes widened. His eyes flickered up and down, checking her for injuries.

"Jess?"

She smiled, brow furrowed over her amber eyes. Her forehead creased and her mouth curled up at the side. She craned her neck to meet his eyes.

"...Yes?"

He frowned, "You okay?"

"Uh..." her eyes flickered to something behind her. “I might need some help."

He frowned, cocking his head.

She giggled and attempted to swat his shoulder. Something kept her from reaching him.

She laughed, "Stop it!"

"Stop what?"

"You're making his  _face_ ," Jess said with a laugh. 

Sam's frown grew deeper. " _What?"_

She laughed soft chimes and something light and goofy slipping from her berry colored mouth. 

"You just need the deep voice and blue eyes and you'd be Cas!"

"I don't think Dean would like that very much," Sam said with a chuckle, looking at his feet.

"True," she said with a grin. "You're not the right size. Who would be the  _little spoon_?"

Sam gave something between a sigh and a laugh, looking down the hall. 

He grinned as he lowered his voice. "Jess be quiet! If Dean knew I walked in on him and Cas sleeping he'd kill me." 

"People like to  _spoon_ ," Jess said with a grin, stretching the word out. "It's not your fault Dean likes to be the little one now and again."

" _Sh_ ," he said between laughs. "They like to switch now  _please_ , lower your voice. What happened?"

Her grin dispersed as she bit her lip, eyeing him sheepishly. A teacher eyed the teenagers suspiciously before closing her door. 

"I...might be stuck," she conceded.

"Wha- why'd you let me make fun of Dean? We gotta get you out!"

"I don't know we had a good thing going!" She raised her hands to her face, "This is so embarrassing I'm sorry."

_I get high_

"No no it's okay, don't worry. I've got you," Sam reassured.

_My oh my_

 "You're right, it'll be fine," she said with a nervous smile. 

"Although..." she eyed a large chunk of her blonde hair. “The sooner we get my hair out, the finer it will be." 

_When I see you_

He snickered, stepping towards her. "Oh my gosh Jess."

He looked at the knotted, curly hair, several strands resting in Garret Dehew's locker. Jess stood at what looked like an uncomfortable angle, her head still titled upwards to avoid pulling anything. He looked down at her shorter, tan form.

_Go by_

"Uh..." he rubbed his neck, "Jess?"

 "Sam I know said it'd be fine that I'm locked in here, but I appreciate if 'it being fine' happened sooner than later," she said as the bell rang.

_My oh my_

"No no I- I totally agree but..” he bit his lip, "Your hair's pretty stuck..."

She looked up at him nervously.

_When you sigh_

"Which- which is totally fine!" He smiled, patting her shoulder.

He dropped them at his sides, feeling stupid for waving them. 

"I'm gonna get you out, don't worry! But, uh..."

_My inside_

 "Sam?" she spoke kindly. "Trapped in a locker here? We're kinda short on time." 

"Right well, it's just... I have to get kind of close to... uh get your hair out."

 _Just flies_  

She gasped, placing a hand over her purple t-shirt. "Oh  _no_ , Sam. How close will you  _have_  to get?"

"I just didn't know if you'd be comfortab-"

"Sam I am trapped in a  _locker!_ My honor will be  _fine_."

"Well... okay," Sam shrugged, stepping towards her and looking down at the hair, moving a hand past her shirt. 

"Sam Winchester," she said with a frown, "are you making a  _move_  on me?"

_Butterflies_

"Oh come  _on_ , Jess. Cut it  _out_ ," he begged over her laughter. 

"Sorry sorry I'll stop making comments. Do your stuff." She bit her lip, closing her eyes. "Butpleasebegentle."

_Why am I_

"Right..." he sighed, tugging softly on the hair.

" _Ow!"_ She put a hand on her head, glaring at him. "I said be  _gentle_ not _attempt murder."_  

  _So shy_

"Sorry! I've never done this before."

"Oh well I've done this  _millions_  of times so let me just tell you what to do!" 

"I didn't mean to," he said sheepishly.

"I know I know I'm sorry." She eyed the locker, fistful of hair trapped inside. "It's just... there's a lot in there."

_When I'm_

"Wait a minute," Sam stepped back, bending down to open his locker. "I have something that could help!"

_Beside you_

She nodded nervously as Sam rummaged through his bag. "Sam Winchester I swear to god if you try to make this Sixteen Candles I will murder you. I will  _not_  get with you the dorky but loveable lower class-man."

_It's only love_

 He rolled his eyes, moving to her and placing a hand on her hip as he knelt down. 

 "...You're a freshman too y'know."

_And that is all_

She laughed, "That's your takeaway? And if you'd paid attention when we watched it you would know he was a  _sophomore_." 

He smiled, shaking his head as he picked the lock. "We've watched it four times, Jess."

"Going on five! It's a great movie, Sam." She looked down, watching his dark head move back and forth around her hip. "How's it going down there, Sam?"

_Why should I feel_

"I should be done in a few minutes. How'd this even  _happen_ , Jess?"

_The way I do_

She rolled her eyes, "I

I must have closed it when I leaned back. If Garret had just closed her locker completely this would have never happened."

"What are you talking about? We're having a great time," Sam said with a smile.

_It's only love_

Jess tugged on his hair.

"Ow!" He put a hand on his head, frowning. "What was that for?"

_And that is all_

"Was that a great time for  _you_ , Sam?"

"Hey I'm the one busting you out of here!"

"Which I appreciate, thank you."

"It's not  _my_  fault these lockers are trying to pull me in and never let go."

"Well your mermaid hair doesn't help," he mumbled while fiddling with the lock.

She smiled, eyes flickering down to him. "My... what?"

Sam paused, blinking.

 "Uh, your.... y'know your mermaid hair. Cause it's all..." he ran a hand through his hair, clearing his throat. "Y'know soft and...long and curly and..." his cheeks turned red, "nice."

She smiled, "You think my hair is nice?"

"Well yeah it's..." he laughed nervously, "It’s really nice."

She hummed approvingly.

"Sam Winchester, my knight in armor, if you were up here I might..." she smiled, glad he wasn't looking at her. “I'd kiss you."

 Sam paused, ears turning red. He continued to fiddle with the lock, Dean's voice ringing in his ears as he worked. He knew exactly what Dean would do. 

 But Sam was not Dean. Dean was funny and charming and confident. Sam was gangly and self-conscious and weird. He didn't have anything to offer like Dean.

But Jess called him her knight in shining armor.

He closed his eyes and dropped the pick, jumping up.

 "Did you ge-"

She hummed in approval at the interruption. He broke away, lips leaving hers as gently as they'd arrived.

 He eyed her nervously, "You still wanted to kiss me, right?"

She smiled, nodding, “I have before, Sam. And I've wanted to again for a while."

He smiled sheepishly, dragging his shoe across the tiled floor. "Oh, well... that's nice to hear."

 She smiled at him. Sam blushed. He really liked Jess' smile, all gums and white teeth.

"Now help me out of here please," she said with a grin.

He nodded, dropping to the floor and hurrying to finish. He really was almost finished, just a click more and he'd be done.

"It's been at least five minutes now," Jess pondered. "You'd think the teachers would-"

Click.

Sam grinned, putting a hand on her hip as he stood up, blonde ends curled through his fingers. 

"Got i-!" 

"Sam, Jessica!" Mrs. Blaine frowned, walking towards them. "Just  _what_  have you two been doing?"

Jess looked down, Sam standing over her, hand on her hip. He jumped back, hands behind his back.

They spoke in unison, "Nothing!"

 *

Most of the school day was uneventful, though Cas didn't seem Sam and Jess in the halls as he usually did. Meg invited him to an upcoming party, an invitation he apologetically declined. It just wasn't the place for him.

Meg had tried this before, and Cas never lived up to expectations. 

' _Big surprise.'_

 Studying at home, as he and Dean were now, was far more comfortable. Anna was at the library, cramming a week worth of school into study sessions as she had been since coming home. Castiel was still in the dark as to what happened. But he couldn't be upset with Anna for withholding the truth, when he himself had made a wall of stone between them.

_But it's so hard_

With Dean, however, he was extremely honest.

"You never told me what was bothering you the other day," Castiel said innocently as he scribbled away on a yellow pad of paper.

_Loving you_

"Wow Cas." Dean frowned, also refusing to meet his boyfriend's eye. "I'd say you should get a degree in subtlety but you're clearly already a master."

"You mean I  _have_  a master." He smiled, "I appreciate your humor, Dean."

He smiled before returning to his exam notes.

"...Thank you, Cas."

"But I would appreciate your honesty even more."

 With the school year approaching its end, the seniors (and most juniors) were studying for their finals. This was one of Castiel's favorite aspects of senior year: early exams. Early exams meant more time to destress with his friends before college.

With how often he and Meg spoke, Castiel anticipated her visits would continue throughout the summer.

It seemed ludicrous to question the length of Dean's stay in his life (and with him all of Castiel's new friends and happiness). Yet his worries continued to whisper fears into the corners of his darkest thoughts. Castiel knew that a relationship of any kind required trust, but he found himself unable to trust Dean with these concerns. 

What would Dean say, would he be upset?

Surely he would not appreciate Castiel accusing him of being disloyal and cruel. Castiel did not want Dean to be angry with him. He certainly did not want to lose him. 

Even now, as the two sat in his dining room, books and papers scattered across their cherry wood table, he worried their relationship would whither to nothing.

Dean's jacket bumped his coat while Castiel worried of the space coming between them. He frowned, attempting to deter those thoughts. Dean simply did not feel secure with sharing his feelings that was all.

If Dean was withholding an explanation it was surely for a cogent reason.

_Is it right_

 "Where'd you apply?"

"To various colleges," Castiel mumbled, focusing on his paper.

_That you and I should fight_

Dean frowned.

 "Much as I appreciate the specifics Cas, that doesn't really answer my question."

Cas stood from the table, heading to the kitchen.

_Every night_

 "Yes, isn't it unfortunate when that happens?"

Dean rolled his eyes, following him into the blue room.

"Come on, Cas. Let it go."

_Just the sight of you_

Castiel said nothing, opening a kitchen cupboard. The bright apples lay in the second shelf in a metallic, black bowl. He reached. 

He sighed. "I can't let something go if  _nothing is going on_ , can I?"

Someone had moved the bowl to the very back of the cabinet. The shiny apples mocked him, resting a few inches from his grasp. He frowned.

  _Makes nighttime bright_

Why did they have such vexingly large cabinets?

_Very bright_

Dean watched him stand on his toes, arm disappearing further into the cupboard. He said nothing, watching Castiel reach into the cabinet. An offer of help died halfway out of his lips.

Castiel's stormy eyes flickered to him. "Yes?"

"Nothing, nothing," Dean said with a shrug.

 _Haven't I the right_  

Cas stared at the apple in his palm. He met Dean's eyes, before reaching back into the cabinet.

"Is something else bothering you, Dean?" His eyes narrowed. "Or am I not allowed to ask about that now either?"

_To make it up girl_

 "Oh I don't know Cas," he said with a smile, "hasn't stopped you so far." 

Castiel tossed him a green apple, smiling with something bitter. Dean caught the fruit easily. He bit into its skin.

"Sorry," he said with a smile, eyes practically slits as he spoke. "You're right. I'll just bend over and see myself out from now."

Dean's jaw dropped. " _Jesus_ , Cas! I didn't mean it like that!"

Cas exhaled, blinking and turning to look at his boyfriend. "How did you mean it then, Dean? I should stop asking if you're okay? Just let you go about your business?"

Dean sighed, hands dropping to his side. "Would be nice, wouldn't it?"

"Yes it would be. In fact, if you'd like to carry your business elsewhere you can see yourself out."

"Seriously, Cas?"

Cas ignored him, walking back to the table. "I'm sure your home is more than accommodating. And I can't ask about you if you're there."

Dean sighed, walking to the table and siting down. "Cas I get you've got a lot going on."

"I'm fine," he said dismissively. "I was asking about you."

Dean nodded, "Well I was asking about you and since we're both being stubborn sons of bitches it doesn't seem we'll be getting anywhere."

Castiel sighed, pulling out his chair. "I applied to a few different med schools."

Dean nodded as Castiel sat down. That still didn't tell him where Cas was applying, but he'd take what he could get. God knows Dean was tired of answering questions. 

"Oh yeah? How's that going?"

"It's..." Castiel sighed. "It's going well."

Dean raised his eyebrows, "Well ya sound thrilled."

"No I- I am I'm just..." 

He sighed, shaking his head and turning it away, not meeting Dean's eye. "Never mind."

"Cas, we go through this all the time. Ya gotta talk to me."

' _Talk to him,_ Cas _._   _Get it all out. Don't wanna have any hurt feelings, right? Don't wanna break.'_

 _"_ So we're doing this again," Dean said with a sigh. 

' _You're pathetic. You can't even open your mouth.'_

Cas sighed, folding his hands over one another.

' _Never had a problem with that before.'_

He scrubbed at his face, feeling the uneven hair over his jaw. What was he doing? Why did he have to ruin everything?

' _It's all your fault.'_

 "I hate when you do this," he whispered.

  _'I hate when_ I _do this._ '

"When I-! I get I can be an ass but you're being such a hypocrite. Sorry pot, didn't realize we were calling each other black now!"

"Well at least one thing's out in the open now," Cas said with a frown, staring at the table.

_It's only love_

 "Cas, what the hell?" Dean had stood up now, and he frowned down at Castiel. "What's your problem?"

' _You're the problem, Castiel. He's saying_ you're _the problem. He hates you.'_

_And that is all_

No _,_ that was wrong. Dean cared about him, just not enough to be honest with him. Not enough to trust him.

' _You're a perfect match.'_

"I don't  _have_  a problem." Castiel glared at him. "I understand you are unhappy with where your life is going but that does not mean I am the obstacle in your way."

_Why should I feel_

 He could feel his eyes stinging. Dean was his fiercest protector and his easiest foe. A few remarks and he would yell at Castiel and treat him as he deserved.

He hated himself.

_The way I do_

Why was he like this? Why did he do this to himself? God he was thinking Dean's life. Just like he said in therapy, he was a stain in Dean's life.

' _Just like you said in therapy,_ ' it mocked. ' _They won't take crazies in college,_ Castiel.  _Dean certainly won't.'_  

"You are hardly ever honest with me. We're going to outgrow this one day, fighting. And maybe," he exhaled shakily. "Maybe we'll outgrow each other."

Dean stared at him, mouth parted with unspoken sorrows. He couldn't just talk to Cas, could he? No that'd be too difficult. He had to be an ass instead.

His dad's words rang in his head.  _Temporary stay._ Why not rip the scenery down before he left this fairytale, then?

 "Well sorry I can't tell you what I had for breakfast this morning, Cas. Not a big sharer over here."

 "Yes, I've noticed," Castiel said sharply, spewing ice every syllable. 

 Dean threw his hands in the air, "Well I don't know why that's such a  _huge problem_. Considering you do the same damn thing! What's going on for god's sake, Cas? We've been arguing these past two weeks over the stupidest crap!"

 The house was empty save the two boys. They could have everything. And Castiel was ruining it. He was ruining everything and he couldn't stop himself and he hated himself for it.

 He was filled with such a vile anger, like a bubbling beaker waiting to burn anyone who came near him. He was filled to the brim with burning, sour green that bubbled over to yellow until he was consumed by red. He felt like he was housing a fire that would never end.

_It's only love_

Once something is burnt it can't be fixed. Castiel knew he would never be whatever the fuck he was supposed to be. He'd never know.

_And that is all_

It didn't matter if he was beneath the  _fucking preacher_ or being treated like an angel by Dean he was a fucking psychopath. He was fucking  _18 years old_ and he was never going to get better, he was never going to grow up, never going to move on. He was always going to be a fucking child quaking in fear and  _no on_ e.  _Gave_. A  _fucking_.  _Shit_.

"I can't talk to you right now," he spit, words burning his tongue on their way out.

Dean nodded, mouth torn between something of misery and anger. "Oh,  _you're done_  so I have to be done now, too?" 

_But it's so hard_

Castiel stared at Dean, glaring. He didn't know if Dean was talking about their conversation or their relationship. He was too afraid to ask, and he hated himself ever more for being such a coward.

  _'As if it was ever something_.'

 "I don't want to say anything I'll regret," Cas said defensively. 

His voice was too wet to be fierce, but neither acknowledged that. Dean stood there with sharp eyes, head moving up and down like a fucking bobble head.

 "So you didn't regret anything you've already said," Dean said bitterly. 

' _Dean Winchester is worthless.'_

' _He's fucking worthless.'_

'You're _fucking worthless.'_

Castiel left the dining room, exams long forgotten.

' _This whole thing was a pipe dream you_   _made to frighten away the monsters.'_

_Loving you_

 He opened the front door, walking out to the porch. Dean stood in Castiel's dining room, worrying of the space growing between them. The chipped, wooden door slapped his heels as if it were scolding him for shouting. 

_Yes it's so hard_

Even in the night it was too hot to stay outside. Castiel knew he would anyway.

_Loving you_

' _What a little whore you are.'_

_'Of course he wouldn't want you.'_

' _No one does.'_  

Deanheld backhis protests. He knew it was right. No one wanted him.

_Loving you_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Let me know what you guys thought! If you'd like to continue to see more of Sam and Jess, or have an opinion on Dean and Cas' argument, let me know! Thanks so much!


	34. Happiness is a Warm Gun

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Gabriel and Castiel discuss Dean. Sam and Dean discuss Cas and play with Zeppie. Sam has something he wants to tell Dean, but does know how. Castiel has something he does not want to tell anyone.

"So..." Gabriel dragged the single syllable out as he walked around the kitchen.

_She's not a girl who misses much_

Gabriel had been flickering in and out of view throughout the day. It started with a dirty dish here, a ridiculous laugh there but Gabriel's "curious spirit" had ended that charade. Whatever attempts he'd made for subtlety had sincerely failed.

Initially, the thought made Castiel smile. 

_"Wow Cas." Dean frowned, refusing to meet his eye. "I'd say you should get a degree in subtlety but you're clearly already a master."_

But his amusement abruptly ended. Memories pulled his expression down as he thought of Dean's comment the night before. Of course, no one really _needed_ to say _anything_ to make Dean the center of Castiel's focus. All Castiel could think of was Dean. Gabriel knew something was wrong, hence his annoying tactics throughout the day.

_Do do do do_

"Gabriel, I am not deaf," he said glumly, stirring a spoon in his tea.

_Do do do do, oh yeah_

 "Well are ya m-" 

_She's well acquainted_

Gabriel shook his head then, as if he was rejecting an idea or what had he nearly said. He wiped the frown from his face. His mouth moved back and forth like a window wiper until it became a bright smile. 

Castiel found this concerning. Gabriel grinned back at him. 

_With the touch of the velvet hand_

"How ya doing, Cassie?"

Castiel frowned, staring down at his swirling dark beverage. "You were going to say something else and stopped. Why?"

He could assume what Gabriel had been about to say, even if he would not admit it.

Castiel had set forth on a small experiment of sorts. How honest was everyone in his abode? How comfortable were they with acknowledging uncomfortable truths?

' _Easier to blame your family than yourself, huh?'_

"Nothing important." Gabriel wrinkled his nose, offended by his brother's drink. "Is that... _tea_?"

Castiel frowned, eyes flickering up and down Gabriel as if he were seeing him for the first time. The older Novak frowned in return, tilting his head at the uncomfortable expression.

_Like a lizard_

He raised his eyebrows at his younger brother, "...What?"

_On a window pane_

"You're an excellent liar, Gabriel," Castiel whispered.

It seemed he was more speaking to himself, as if coming to some incredible realization. Cassie's blue eyes returned to his drink, his eyes wide and unmoving. Gabriel took a step towards the dark counter, frowning with confusion.

"I'm...sorry?" He smiled brightly. "Personally, I think my specialty lies with white lies. I mean, it's in the name. You think little 'angel Gabriel, messenger of Heaven' didn't tell a white lie now and again, make things sound better than they were?" 

_The man in the crowd_

He grinned, sticking his hands out in front of him. "'Yes, hello, 16 year old virgin child! Yes, I'd like you to give birth to the next god." 

_With the multicoloured mirrors_

Gabriel smiled and shook his head, arms moving. "No, no, it'll still hurt. Of  _course_ , I understand you're not married. Don't even worry about it. What you, your husband, your guys' family? They'll all be  _fine_. What'll happen to your baby? Nothing to concern yourself with'," Gabriel waved a hand dismissively. 

_On his hobnail boots_

He laughed, "I mean he might fall down a few times, get a couple scrapes now and again but I mean what kid doesn't?"

_Lying with his eyes_

His arms fell to his hips with a grin. Gabriel looked at Castiel, smile still slapped across his face. He raised his eyebrows expectantly, waiting for his schemes to place a smile on his brother's face.

"See?"

_While his hands are busy_

Castiel said nothing, staring into his mug. He seemed stiff, shoulders bent over the countertop. He didn't even look up to insult Gabriel's lack of maturity or humorous biblical reenactment. Gabriel's smile fell from his face as he walked towards his little brother.

"Hey," Gabriel said softly, resting his elbows on the counter. "You've seemed pretty bummed all day. What's going on?"

 _'Crying to everyone these days now,'_ his mind thought mockingly _,' aren't you?'_

Castiel sighed. 

Gabriel was about to joke that Cassie worked better than a fan, but stopped when he got a closer look at his brother.  Castiel's face was dry, covered in small, white flecks of peeling skin. His skin was red and puffy, the bumps dotting his chin covered by a growing five o'clock shadow. Above his chin and nose were his large blue eyes, pulled down by deep, purple bags that seemed etched into his face.

Gabriel's mouth fell, his brown eyes shining with concern. "Cassie... you okay?"

' _Yeah are we okie dokie, Cassie? What's got you so down in the dumps, you poor little whore you?'_

Castiel chuckled and slowly shook his head. He exhaled shakily, breath rattling as it fell from his mouth. He looked away from his brother. 

_Working overtime_

"Do you...” he sighed, frustrated. 

_A soap impression of his wife_

"Do you think something's wrong with us?"

_Which he ate_

Gabe frowned, unsure where this was going. "I mean, I can be too much of an ass sometimes."

_And donated to the National Trust_

He was hoping that would make his brother laugh, but he looked even more miserable.

"I guess- well what I mean is, well..." he exhaled, glaring down at his cup.

' _Why am I so fucked up? That what you mean,_ Cassie?'

His expression turned to something sour, mouth pulling down and lines forming across his face as he stared into his dark, rippled reflection.

"I  _hate_  coffee," Cas said bitterly. 

Gabriel raised an eyebrow at the change in topic, but said nothing while his brother spoke. Never mind that Cas never drank coffee. 

"It turns your teeth yellow and it speeds up your heart," he spit. "It hurts you in the name of  _help_."

His strong jaw was tightly clenched, and he held his mug in a death grip. His eyes were thin as razors as he spat out his next sentence. His bright teeth parted to force out hot words before clashing shut. 

"And you  _think_  its making things better," he pushed the mug away, green tea sloshing over the cup's edge. "But it's  _not_. It just makes you  _think_  things are better, makes you feel invincible, makes you work harder and put yourself through more agony."

His eyes were wide now, looking somewhat manic. 

He threw his arms in the air, smiling. "But  _it's okay!_ Now that you have this with you, you can do anything, right? Now that you are no longer alone?"

He hit his arm with his next words, "You've got  _all_  you  _need now_. To do  _whatever you want_ but you  _don't_!”

He pushed himself away from the counter, nostrils flaring. Gabriel stared at him. Cassie didn't get mad; he didn't spit words and push cups. 

He looked at Gabriel, glaring. "You really don't have  _anything._ You're the same person you were before but more tired and in more pain and your heart could fall out of your chest but you don't care because you  _want it_ , right?"

He puffed out more air, face red as he continued. "It's the first thing your lips touch in the morning and the thing that keeps you awake at night but you're not  _any better_  a person  _because of it!"_

He stared at Gabriel, face still beet red as he continued with an uneven voice.  _"_ It doesn't  _really_  keep you awake, it doesn't  _really_  give you energy it just drains you of what you have and makes you addicted."

His voice dropped to something soft and desperate. "It makes you  _need_  something. You know that... now that you've felt this awake, this alive you can't... you won't ever be the same without it. I hate to need anything. I don't need anything, don't need anyone. I don't..."

He sighed.

Then Cassie looked at him with something sorrowful. His eyes shone with confusion and betrayal. But what, or who, had betrayed him? He walked towards his brother, resting a hand on his dark shirt.

Castiel stared at him, begging for answers. "I  _hate it,_  Gabriel."

He turned away, hiding his face.

"I hate it."

Gabriel open and closed his mouth, unsure what to say, other than a joke about coffee of course. Castiel shook his head and whatever anger had consumed him left just as quickly. He quietly walked back to his stool, carefully bringing his cup back to his lips. His hand patted its hardened green clay.

"Castiel...?" Gabriel bit his lip. "What's going on?"

He sighed, resting his face in his hands.

"I think I'm in love with Dean."

*

Something was wrong with Dean.

And Sam was annoying and good at guessing and was even offering him a turn to hold Zeppie. Zeppie, the dog Cas bought for him. Zeppie, the dog who made Sam laugh and tried to snag food from Dean's plate.

The German shepherd had grown quite a bit since January. He was a beautiful animal. His shiny brown and black coat was short and soft like dark wheat in the farms he and Sam would run through when they visited Kansas. Zeppie was home. Cas had given them a home.

Sam had insisted on buying Zeppie the best products for his fur. He insisted on giving the dog the best of everything.

' _Probably glad he can bond with somebody over proper hair care,'_ Dean thought with a smirk.

He wrote the thought on a scrap of paper to (hopefully) tell Cas later. He smiled as he watched his brother scratch the dog's head. Sam had been having some heavy dreams lately. Not that they had discussed it very much, but his cries and thrashing said enough. 

Sam screamed of something horrid and unspoken. He knew too much of darkness to fear what it held. What was bothering his little brother, and why wouldn't he tell him? Whatever it was, Sam had no trouble telling Zeppie.

Dean was glad Zeppie could help, even if he could not. Sam would shut him out if Dean ever breached the subject of nightmares. But Zeppie, the sweet, loving shepherd, need only rest his head on Sam and his chest would settle. 

For a short while, Sam would sleep. 

Dean didn't know how to fix his brother's fears. Hell, Dean couldn't even fix his own fears.

The school year was almost over and they were still here, it'd been almost a year. They had never stayed somewhere for two years. Dean didn't expect that to change. 

And even if dad did keep his sons here Cas was going to attend some fancy college where brilliant, kind hearted, incredible people like him went.

God he was such a sap.

"So what's going on with you and Cas?" Sam asked, looking at Zeppie.

Zeppie smiled at them both, paws waving in the air as Sam pet him. The German shepherd's tongue hung out of his mouth as he looked at Dean, almost encouraging him to speak. He held back a laugh at Zeppie's big, soft brown eyes.

First Dean had to deal with Sam's puppy dog eyes, now this? He sighed. If Cas were here, he'd probably make some joke about the complexities of Dean's life before animals. Afterwards Cas'd probably be covered in kisses from Zeppie, or Dean. God Dean missed him. 

They'd ended things really badly the other night. The moment Dean left Cas' house, he'd wanted nothing more than to go back. He sighed, running a hand over his face.

He wasn't cut out for this crap.

"Dean what's going on?"

He was exhausted, but raised his head to look at Sammy. "Hm?"

Sam rolled his eyes, hand still resting on Zeppie. "With you and Cas, what's going on?"

He stared into the kitchen, studying the tile pattern.

Sam sighed, "Come on, Dean. You spend all your time with the guy. If Cas isn't here you're at his house, or together in school, or at Bobby's place."

Sam raised his hazel eyes to his brother, hoping for a response- he would receive none.

"Y'know, you're happiest when you're with him," Sam said softly. "I've seen it; you laugh more and smile more. All of the jokes I've heard a million times? You save 'em all for Cas."

 Dean rolled his eyes, raising his footrest.

Sam sighed, pulling out the big guns.

Bitch face #42.

"Really Dean, you're gonna roll your eyes at me? You  _know_  I'm telling the truth."

Dean bit the inside of his cheek, meeting his brother's eyes.

"I've seen the little notebook you use to remind yourself to tell Cas jokes or stories you think he'd like," Sam said with a soft smile. "You've always got it with you."

Dean scoffed, "Don't you have a room to clean? This whole house is a mess."

"Like your love life?"

"Sam you're gonna do that thing where you  _shut up_ and you're gonna do that thing now," Dean huffed, returning to his faded sheet of notebook paper.

Next to the worn, messy notebook lay a pile of applications. His green eyes glided across the table, resting nervously on the blank applications. What was he thinking? 

He bit his lip, endless reasons to skip college playing through his mind like an annoying one hit wonder he just  _couldn't stop hearing_. He sighed, running a hand over his face. His shoulders ached from bending over to stare at unpaid bills and blank applications. 

Cas would know what to do.

Cas always knew how to make Dean look better than he was and feel better than he should. His eyes dropped to his phone but he dismissed the idea. There was no way he was going to call him.

Dean had laid everything out in the open. Hell he'd practically told Cas he loved him!  _'I think I love you.'_

He sighed, that'd gotten them nowhere _._ And he was uncomfortable with how much that hurt.

God he was an idiot. Cas wasn't ready for desperate declarations of emotion. Cas needed someone reliable and steady. Dean was off the rails and feelings were like balls of fire in his hands. They were uncontrollable, and Dean wanted them as far away from him as possible.

But he wanted Cas by his side. He groaned, rubbing his eyes. God when had he become such a sap?

Their cracked, old phone's ringing was enough to distract him from further Cas related thoughts. No one ever called the home phone. He stood from his chair and walked towards the kitchen.

"Don't answer it," Sam scoffed, frowning as he played with Zeppie.

Zeppie raised his head, staring at Sam's sudden unhappiness as if he was responsible. The German shepherd ducked his head. Sam rubbed behind his brown ears and smiled before shooting Dean a  _look_.

Dean glanced at his grouchy brother, sighing. What now?

"Dad's still mad at me," Sam offered as explanation.

Dean frowned, "What'd you do?"

He jumped to his feet, startling the dog. Zeppie barked in surprise as he took a step back. Sam bit the inside of his cheek, looking down at Zeppie with regret. Just as quickly his eyes returned to Dean, nostrils flaring.

"Why does it  _always_  have to be  _my fault? Huh?!"_

Dean raised his hands in alarm, "Woah, calm down, Sam! I didn't mean in that way."

The phone continued to ring. Dean stared at his fuming brother, his angry eyes nearly at the same height as Dean's.

Dean shook his head, frowning at his brother's mood change from zero to a hundred. " _Geez_."

He glared at the faded carpet. 

"Y'had to have meant it some way 'r else you wouldn't have meant it at all.”

Dean sighed, " _Sammy.._."

" _What,_  Dean? What are you going to say to make this better?" 

His hazel eyes lost their anger and held something slower, murky and sad like forgotten waters. When he next spoke his voice was soft and cracked with something painful.

"What are you going to say to make  _our family_  better?" His murky eyes met Dean's face, sad and wet. "We won't ever get better and you're too  _stubborn_  to grow yourself."

" _What?"_ Dean frowned, unsure where Sam was taking this. "Sam what- what are you  _talking about?"_

"I said not to answer dad's call, didn't I?"

Sam offered no further information, his mouth a sharp line and his eyes carved of emotion, hollowed with bitter acceptance of the uncontrollable. 

" _Sam_ ," Dean pressed. "What's going on?"

*

"Cassie..." Gabriel was at a loss for words, staring at his brother after his declaration.

Castiel said nothing, eyes resting on his brother's face. Gabriel returned the stare, grassy eyes meeting his ocean stare. 

"You-you..." Gabriel frowned, his eyes wide with the declaration. "...You're  _gay_?"

Neither brother spoke. Gabriel stared at his brother, watching him more carefully with the recent declaration. Their sink dripped. 

Castiel frowned, "This is no time for jokes, Gabriel."

His brother grinned, "So you like Dean."

Castiel sighed, "I do not  _like_  Dean. I lo-"

Gabriel raised his hands in the air, sitting down at the counter. "Hold up! So do you  _think_  you love him or do you  _love him?"_

Castiel smiled, thinking of Dean's beautiful eyes and kind laugh. He thought of the way Dean held Sam and the weight of his father's faded leather jacket over his firm shoulders. Dean Winchester prided himself on being tough. Dean watched Dr. Sexy M.D. and woke Cas up just to replay the season finale. Dean had the mouth of a sailor but he'd never leave the land. 

Dean had a tape collection of hundreds and always played the same cassette. 

He thought of Dean's endearing qualities not to prove his feelings but because the thought of Dean filled him with happiness. But that same happiness had the power to twist in his abdomen. Dean made him vulnerable like nothing else and it scared Castiel more than he cared to admit.

Castiel smiled softly, "I'm in love with him."

"So what's wrong with that? Is manly man, plaid wearing, Danny Zuko afraid to say how he feels

Castiel frowned, tilting his head at his brother. "I do not understand how Dean can be any more of a man than he already is. Nor do I understand your implications with his clothing." His brow furrowed, "...Who is Danny Zuko?"

Gabriel sighed, shaking his head with disbelief. "There's so much wrong with what you said I don't- I don't even know where to start. Okay so  _moving on from_ that mess you didn't give me an answer. Has Dean been squeamish about all this? Cause if the dude's being a dick I'll make him regret it."

Castiel was often told he did not understood sarcasm or expressions, but Gabriel's statement was especially confusing.  The idea of Dean at the mercy of Castiel's family made his stomach twist. Over the year, Dean's place in Castiel's little world had moved quite a bit.

Dean couldn't be attacked by his own kind, Castiel's family.

Castiel frowned, thinking of the prior night's events. "I would not say he was impersonating a phallus so much as-"

"I mean it Cassie," Gabriel insisted, pointing a finger at him. "That kid'll be in for a world of hurt."

Castiel nodded, "I understa-"

"Nobody messes with my little brother," he replied with a grin. "If I found out they have I'll kick their ass."

"Yes I understand-"

"No doubt Anna will sink her claws into him."

" _Gabriel_. Dean said he..." Castiel frowned, eyes dropping to the floor.

"Dean said he... he said he might love me."

Gabriel paused, raising his eyebrows "Might? Is that why you guys have been fighting?"

Castiel frowned in return, tilting his head at the quesfion, "Have been?"

Gabriel said nothing, his eyes moving to the corner of the kitchen. He didn't want to be the guy to tell Cassie he'd heard the couple's shouts (and not the good kind) the other day. It was obvious the two seniors were in disagreement.     It must have been something importabt for so many doors to be slammed around their house. 

"Well...yeah." 

Castiel seemed to shrink after Gabriel's comment. His gaze dropped to the ground.

He bit his lip, wishing he hadn't asked Cassie anything. Not long ago Cassie didn't talk period. He kept having to remind himself not to jump a foot in the air every time his little brother spoke.

He spoke kindly, "Every couple fights, Cas."

Castiel raised his head slowly, his piercing blue eyes speaking for him. His eyes shone with determination, what he was seeking Gabriel did not know. Castiel lived in shades of obedience and rebellion; his brother was always difficult to interpret. Gabriel stared into his little brother's steely eyes, Cas' mouth a firm line.

"...Do you think we've come to that? We're 'every couple?'"

His mind scoffed, ' _You should be happy a miserable bitch like is you part of anything at all.'_

Gabriel chuckled, shaking his head before smiling. "Well if we're just gonna stare at each other all night." He shook his head, "Let’s face it Cas, you and Dean'll never be 'every couple.' Dean's dad's either a workaholic or an alcoholic, probably both. You come from a family of nuts or religious nuts."

' _Wait to follow in everyone's footsteps. Oh wait, guess you couldn't even manage that, could you?'_

Castiel frowned, deep voice resonating throughout the house as he spoke. "Is this meant to be a comfort?"

"Of sorts," Gabriel said with a shrug. "I mean you guys practically said you loved each other."

Castiel frowned, brow furrowing as he considered this. His gaze rested on Gabriel before dropping to the ground. He smiled with something between embarrassment and guilt. Gabe frowned at the movement before Castiel spoke sheepishly.

"... He did."

Gabriel frowned, "Huh?"

He met his eyes, "...Dean said 'I think I might just love you.'"

Gabriel's eyes widened as he took in the new information.

" _Oh."_

So Dean wasn't a little heart breaker after all. Huh, well that changed things. Honestly, Gabe had been surprised when Cassie started dating Dean. Dean, this loud, flirty, rebellious, new kid who drank and swore. His little brother was sweet and soft spoken and when he spoke it was to explain how Dean so obviously was made of stars and saints and yada yada. It had never occurred to him that _Cassie_ would be the one away from emotional declarations. 

Castiel bit his lip, _'He thinks you're a piece of garbage. You’re cruel and unclean.'_

Gabriel quickly recovered, leaning over the counter and raising his eyebrows.  _"_ What happened after that?”

Castiel sighed, "I kissed him."

Gabriel winced, wringing his hands. "Oh  _Cassie_ -"

Castiel sighed before throwing his hands in the air. He was further annoyed with memories of Dean doing the same. "Well what I was _supposed_ to do? I am not prepared for such an emotional commitment, nor could I reciprocate Dean's sentiments at the time being."

Gabriel stared at him. He folded his arms and raised his blond eyebrows. He was beginning to understand his brother's fascination with lying. "You bought the kid a  _dog_."

There was that sheepish look again. Castiel shook himself of those uncertainties. He had wanted to give Zeppie to Dean and so he has.

He spoke defensively, "Dean wanted one. Sam wanted one. Zeppie needed a home and they needed _him_. They needed some stability in their life, to have family who would not frighten or hurt them."

Gabriel whistled, "That's a lot of need for a puppy. Sounds like what those two really need is you."

Castiel said nothing. Casgiel's sad eyes and bitter mouth said enough on their own. "I don't need to rely on anything. I don't _like_ to rely on anything."

He was silent for a time, staring st the floor as he dismissed what he had just said.

"I need them."

Gabriel nodded, "Sounds like the two of you need to have a chat."

"There will be no chatting," Castiel said with a glare.

Gabriel sputtered, rolling his eyes. "Wha- well what are you gonna do?!"

"I do not know, Gabriel!"

The front door creaked as it opened, interrupting their raising voices. The brothers frowned, cocking their heads at the creaking door. Just as quickly, a flash of red hair appeared in the hall, bringing smiles to their faces.

The smiles vanished with the sunny sky as Naomi closed the door, enveloping then in darkness. 

She turned around, her battered briefcase practically dropping to the ground. Castiel had never understood why a principal required a briefcase, but Naomi seemed to take comfort in the antique valise. He believed it had something to do with their father carrying a briefcase, but Castiel was certainly not going to ask Naomi. 

Her blue eyes darted to her brother's close stance and solemn expressions. She said nothing, eyes flickering to the staircase before she collected her work from the floor.

 "I thought I'd be alone," Naomi offered awkwardly, heading up the stairs.

The brothers stared at one another.

Castiel turned away from his brother, walking through the hallway to open the front door. Light filtered through its screen.

Gabriel scoffed, "Don't get me started on her."

*

"That sounds like a lot in your plate," she noted.

He frowned. "I appreciate your intentions behind that statement but I am not currently holding a plate of any kind."

She chuckled, "What I mean by that is it sounds like you're going through a lot right now.’You've got a lot on your plate' is just an expression. It means that you have multiple things going on, things which may be upsetting or confusing to you."

Castiel had anticipated long silences when he first began therapy. He had imagined spending countless hours waiting for the clock to hit six. But she was intelligent and genuine in everything she said. She spoke honestly to him and was not afraid to discuss her own past when Castiel had doubts. 

He found it impossible to dislike her. 

Her kind, brown eyes were soft and understanding. Dark hair coated her shoulders and brushed the back of her plum chair. Today she wore a long, white cardigan made of cotton. The material emphasized her warm, chocolatey skin.

He nodded, imagining the plate. "It's a metaphor then, this plate?"

She smiled, "Yes. Think of the plate as you and the 'a lot' as the multiple events going on around you."

Castiel nodded, his brow furrowed as he further explored the concept. His focused, intelligent eyes made him look like a detective. She was tempted to find him a tobacco pipe.

She crossed her legs and learned forward, raising her eyebrows. "What do you think takes up the most space on your plate, Castiel? What consumes your thoughts the most?"

He frowned, looking at his hands. "I am not certain you would enjoy my answers."

"Castiel I am here to listen, I will never hear your thoughts with judgements. I am simply listening." She nodded as she spoke, "Why do you think that?"

"Why do I think you will not revel in my answers? They are unpleasant by nature as they are troubles consuming my plate."

"Well it's okay to speak about things going on in your life, Castiel. It's also okay to discuss past events. This is your time," she said gently, "we can discuss whatever you should like."

Cas nodded, his eyes moving from his loosely clasped hands to the floor. "Dean..."

He sighed, "Dean loves me."

She nodded lightly, "I see."

He frowned; his lashes brushed his skin as he looked to her face. "You see? How can you see anything which you were not present to witness?"

"I mean I understand what you've just told me."

He frowned, unsure what she was intending to do. "Right... so, what do you think?"

"What do I think? Well, what do you think, Castiel?"

He sighed, "I... I do not know. I cannot say it does not make me..." he smiled softly, pink mouth pulling back to reveal white teeth. "It um- it makes me happy."

She smiled, "I'm happy to hear that. Have you discussed this with Dean?"

He chuckled, "No. I have certainly not discussed this with Dean."

"Why haven’t you discussed this with Dean?"

He looked at his hands. His nails were chipped and uneven. His pale cuticles combined with pink tones of the flesh beneath his nail. Towards the ends of his fingers the nails became brittle, short and uneven. His nails had been picked at and plucked until they were lined with blood like lipstick lining a woman's mouth. 

“I... am unsure where we stand."

"You just told me your boyfriend loves you,” she said with confusion. “That seems a pretty good place to stand. Did he seem uncertain when he said this?"

He shook his head, eyes focused on his tan folded fingers. "He said 'I might just love you.'"

"Wow, from what I've heard and seen of Dean that is a lot to say. How did you feel when he said that?"

Castiel sighed, "I thought I was happy- I still... _do_  think I'm happy. It's just that..." he sighed, "never mind it's- it's stupid."

She shook her head at him. "Feelings cannot be stupid, Castiel, they are feelings. And if this feeling is stopping you from being happy it's especially important to understand it. Remember what I said about using these opportunities? Use them not to call your feelings or yourself stupid but to learn more about yourself and move forward."

"Well I learned that I'm a miserable ass who loves to see himself miserable," Castiel grumbled.

She frowned, "Are you a donkey, Castiel?"

He frowned, meeting her eyes before he shook his head and looked away. "What? No it's just-"

Castiel stopped, his bright blue eyes widening before he spoke. "It’s just an expression."

She smiled to herself, waiting for him to continue. When he said nothing further she spoke.

"And who taught you that?"

He stared into her brown eyes. His gaze was somehow filled with realization and curiosity. 

"Dean." He exhaled his name like it was the only air in the room, precious and powerful.

"And what would you say if Dean called himself this?"

"I would... I would say he was being unkind to himself."

"You care for him a great deal."

It was not a question. 

He frowned, unsure how she was so certain in this. His bottom lip hung lazily below his teeth. His brow furrowed but his wide eyes stayed with her.

"...yes. I do. But I... I can't, I can't-" he sighed, "I am so frustrated because I  _know_ I care for Dean. But I can't...."

Castiel's breaths shook on the way out of his chest. His eyes were closed. At that moment, bent in half, his eyes scrunched shut, and a hand pressed to his face, Castiel was  _more_  than frustrated.

She spoke calmly, careful not to upset him lest he misinterpret her comment. "It looks like this runs deeper than frustration, Castiel."

"I can't-"

 _'You can't_ what?  _Jesus fucking Christ,_ Cas. _'_

Castiel gasped, his eyes filled with shock as they reopened to the calm, gray and lavender room.

' _That's right, I took the lords name in vain. Worse yet, his_ son's!’ It seemed to gasp dramatically, _‘the horror_.'

He could not say anything, could not defend himself from his own simple mind. He closed his eyes again, burying his face in his hands.

' _You dumb whore I'm not_ simple! You're _simple._ You're _the one who quivers beneath every living thing on this goddamn earth.'_

His stupid bottom lip trembled with these thoughts. He would never be enough. He was a child, a stain, a mess of emotions and fears mangled into a human puppet with button eyes waiting to fall out and rot in the dirt.

_'If you plan to bear your soul to this bitch I suggest you hurry the fuck up and quit wasting her time.'_

He felt something wet on his cheek and scrubbed it away. No, no he was not crying. He was done crying.

' _You say that every time, baby boy. Quit fucking crying! Pathetic. Guess the world's just too big and scary for you, huh? Too bad no big, strong man is going to come and have his way with you, right? Make you feel loved and little and like everything would be okay? '_

_'God knows you liked it.'_

He felt something dark and horrible chuckle within him like a dead man's last breath. He exhaled shakily. Castiel's hands had begun to tremor with these dark thoughts. He felt alone, trapped in a dark and cold cell with no one but himself to hold him.

Castiel was torn between holding himself closer and ripping himself away. He was a monster. He scrubbed his face further, pale hands pushing against his hot, red skin. 

He winced with the uncomfortable images his brain pulled to the front of his mind, a scratched projector screen of torture and tears.

' _Let's hope God doesn't know you_ liked it, _everyone else does.'_

"I didn't like it," he whimpered, face cupped in his clammy hands.

"Castiel?"

' _Fuck, you've done it now.'_

"Castiel," she spoke softly, fearing her suspicion would be confirmed. "Castiel what didn't you like? Did something happen?"

That's when he really started crying.

*

_Down_

Ruby had called again. She liked to talk to him when Dean wasn't around, said she didn't like the way Dean pushed him around. Dean had certainly pushed him earlier. Sam had nearly cried to him and that would certainly not be happening again. Dean had angrily left for work when Sam refused to speak to him. Ruby said Dean needed to cut him some slack and that Sam deserved to have a little fun.

_I need a fix_

He didn't understand how the pills could be fun but she wouldn't accept his return.

 _"They're yours. And they're free. Don't say I never did anything for ya," she said with a smile_.

_Sam bit the inside of his cheek, looking down at the petite brunette. "Why?"_

_"Cause you're sweet, Sam." She smiled softly, showing white teeth. "And maybe just cause."_

He hadn't known what to do with them, to be honest he still didn't. Sam wasn't stupid. He knew drugs were bad.

_'Cause I'm going down_

What he didn't know is why Ruby gave them to him. She always smiled at him. Sam didn't know how he felt about that. Sam knew exactly how he felt about Jess.

Jess smiled at him and he smiled back.

_Down to the bits that I left uptown_

Ruby's smile rubbed him the wrong way. He wanted to avoid her but didn't know how. Ruby was a senior; they didn't have a single class together but she always knew how to find him.

He (stupidly) had tried to tell John. After all, who was better to talk to than a cop? And his dad wasn't just a cop, he was a detective.

John had grunted a hello and asked what was wrong. It started with him talking about a girl at his school. Boy did John take that the wrong way. Before Sam could finish he'd pulled his ear away from a loud, crackling phone. The dos and don'ts of the family were yelled from across the country. His ears still hurt.

" _Don't ya know not to get girls pregnant, Sam? Jesus I know you like to make friends but this is a new level."_

_Sam waited for the unspoken 'even for you.' Even for Sam, the gangly, eager to please, boring, whiny, book freak this was new. The insult didn't come and Sam bit his cheek, trying to hold back a retort._

_Maybe the insult was being saved for Dean._

_"We're not sticking around because ya couldn't focus on your mission," John grumbled._

_Sam recoiled, eyes filled with disgust and disbelief. "What_ mission _? The only thing I've been doing is going to school and waiting for you! There's no_ mission _. It's just another nameless city we've been dragged to."_

_His eyes narrowed as he spoke into the phone. "And quit talking to me like I'm Dean I didn't get anyone pregnant."_

_Dean was the one who got girls. Dean was the charmer, the funny, tough guy who cursed and drank beer. The guy who wouldn't pull his head out of his ass to tell Cas he loved him._

_Sam could barely_ kiss _Jess._

" _You're supposed to be doing what I told you to- keep out of trouble. Your brother better_ not _be gettin' any girl pregnant. You stay out until I get back. This isn't TV y'know solving cases takes time. I can't just go to the lab and find out who the murderer is, Sammy."_

_Sam sighed, "I know that, I know you're busy but we-"_

_"What? You forgot to use a condom so I need to let the killer walk? Is that what ya want, Sammy?"_

_"It's_ Sam _!" He spit his next sentence, furious with hismself for thinking he could trust his family. "I just wanted to talk to you, guess I should've known that wouldn't work."_

_"You watch your tone with me, boy. I'm out here risking my life for people. What are you doing, huh? I set rules and you follow 'em. Ya can't go over the law, Sam." John sighed, "Ya think I don't think about you two? Think I don't what- miss you? Y'know I do but I can't hold your damn hand all the time, Sam. Some things ya gotta be strong enough to handle on your own."_

_"What now?" Sam's chest rose and fell with anger._

_His long legs crossed the kitchen again and again, pacing as he held the phone with a death grip._

_"Living without my dad, making my dinners, paying the bills? What else do I have to do on my own dad? What now?"_

_John sighed dismissively, grumbling something to an officer before returning to his youngest son. "I can't believe I stopped working to hear your complaints. Y'know how selfish you sound, Sam? I can't be there. I don't make the rules."_

_"Oh I thought you made all of 'em and we followed!" Sam hoped his anger covered up any other emotion in his voice. "If you really make all the rules and you really want to be home then you'd be here."_

_He could hear John curse under his breath before the phone crinkled, moving in John's hand. Sam could picture it all. He could see John's tight frown and hard eyes tracing the police department, looking for an escape._

_Sam was always such a burden._

_"Damnit Sam I don't have_ time _for this. I_ do  _make the rules and rule one is listen to me! Clearly you can't do that and your brother sure ain't a model of obedience!"_

 _Sam snarled, blinking his misty, hazel eyes. "You don't know_ anything  _about what Dean's had to do for us!"_

 _"Wh- what Dean's had to do for you? What_ Dean's _had to do? If your brother's so great why don't ya bother him with this crap, huh? Go be ungrateful to him. Have Dean tuck you in and calm your fears and hold your dainty hand!"_

_"Well it wouldn't be the first time!"_

_Sam slammed the phone down with a cry, sliding against the wall as he screamed._

Calling John hadn't gone as planned. The pills sat in his old, red bag, buried under pens and flash cards and books. He was worried someone would find them, how would he get into a good school with drug charges?

The only way he would get out from John's clutch would to move out and there was no way he could afford a place of his own when John eventually came back. No when John came home- Sam's lip trembled. Except this could never _be_ their home. It'd just be back into the car and driving for hours, listening to the same songs, making the same kind of stops, hearing his dad shout the same complaints.

Part of his stomach curled as a new thought occurred to him. He looked over to the sweet, large dog sleeping at his feet. What would happen to Zeppie when John came home? There was no way dad would let them take a giant German shepherd in the car across the country with them! 

He could picture it now. John would come home celebrating the police or cursing them, and then they would leave. John wouldn't want a giant dog in the car for hours. He'd say the car wasn't going to be ruined by a mutt, he'd be angry.

John would be the same way he was when Sam saw a stray cat when they went to get ice cream. He remembered chocolate ice cream dripping down his small hand as he pointed at the thin, gray cat. John barked to hurry and eat before he made a mess. Sam remembered in third grade he won a baby turtle at a school party and had to return him the next day with wet eyes.

John would probably be upset about having to go out of his way to find somewhere for Zeppie, or maybe John would just drive somewhere and tell Sam to 'get rid of the dog.' John would be as disappointed as he was when Sam wanted to join the chess club instead of attending target practice.

Sam never wanted to do the right thing, Sam never _was_ the right thing.

Sam was gangly and nerdy and had to study for hours to do well in anything. He was angry with John and angry he could never fit into the family. Sam was always the freak. Dean didn't need pets, Dean didn't need _anything_ besides his family.

John trusted Dean with everything. He was an ass to Dean but he trusted him, they could talk the entire car drive about anything and everything. Sam just sat in the back.

Dean was all the family Sam had, and Dean didn't want to go to college. Or if Dean _did_ want to attend college John would never let him. John said he wanted the boys to be cops, wanted them to go into the marines like he'd done growing up.

Dean listened to their dad, he followed him around- what would Dean say if Sam didn't want to be a cop, didn't want to serve in the marines? That wasn't Sam! He could never be a strong, brave solider like John wanted him to be.

And if Sam wasn't what John wanted him to be, what was he?

If Sam left for school, and this was assuming his grades were good enough to _go_ to school, he'd have to pay. Not only would Sam need to get in, he would need a full ride. There was no way he could do that, there was no way he could do _any_ of this.

And his dad wouldn't support him attending school! Hell,  _Dean_ might not support him attending school! He would be all alone for the first time in his life.

He would be all alone.

Sam didn't have to worry, his record would always be squeaky clean. After all he never did anything, what friends did he have to get him in trouble? Any friends he did have would be long gone soon. If Sam wasn't careful his family would soon be long gone as well.

God he hated to admit it but part of him... almost...  _wanted_  the drugs to be found. Then he'd never have a shot at school. Sam laughed; he wouldn't have to regret never applying because he wouldn't be able to get in anywhere!

_I need a fix_

The opportunity would be gone and then Sam could stay with Dean. He wouldn't have to worry about what would happen to his brother or what John would say to him. Sam would be right there, driving the country and digging up graves for the rest of his life. Those stupid pills would solve all of Sam's problems.

_'Cause I'm going down_

He looked at the bag.

*

_Mother Superior jump the gun_

She said nothing. Castiel deserved the time to cry. She suspected Castiel had denied himself this grievance for some time.

_Mother Superior jump the gun_

He had been crying for 10 minutes now. 

_Mother Superior jump the gun_

Her heart ached at seeing Castiel in such distress. His shoulders shook with high pitched, short cries that wretched from his mouth as if his tongue was being pulled out. His blue irises mixed the sea with sorrow as salt water fell from his eyes.

_Mother Superior jump the gun_

The grey room was small and Castiel's cries consumed it entirely, painting the walls blue and black. His coat fell around him like a stress blanket, crumpled and comforting. His fingers gripped the coats sleeves as he pulled his arms into himself.

_Mother Superior jump the gun_

Castiel was consumed with anger for sobbing like a spoiled child in front of this woman. Truly, he found himself unable to focus entirely on his anger. His body racked with _fear_ and _loss_ and _guilt_. He would never be okay. He thought telling Dean would help but he still hurt. Crowley had killed those six horrible men but their voices still rang in his hear.

_Mother Superior jump the gun_

The voices in his mind only fell silent when the most hateful voice of all began its taunts. The most hateful, spiteful, mocking,  _cruel_ voice whispered things to Castiel that made him want to die. He cried harder, his voice tumbling over cries and coughs. The worst part?

The voice that made him want to die was not his preacher's voice, it was his own.  

_Happiness is a warm gun_

God this was... what his fourth week in therapy, his fifth? She did not need to know such occurrences. Castiel did not  _want_  her to know. He had not wanted anyone to know. He had wanted to be alone and live alone for his life and never crave another's person touch- it was  _wrong_.

_Happiness bang, bang, shoot, shoot_

And now he was crying in therapy and a boy held him like a lost treasure chest, kissed him like his lips were made for Castiel, spoke to him as if he were wise in every way, and drank in his presence like a dying man in the desert.

_Happiness is a warm gun, mama_

"I'm sorry I-" he was cut off with another pitched sob. 

_Happiness bang, bang, shoot, shoot_

"I- I can't  _do this,"_ he cried, face still held in shaking hands. "I don't know how to be what he  _wants_  me to be. I don't know how to- I- I can't- I  _can't_  do this. I-I- I  _c-h-han't."_

His lip trembled as he spoke but he raised his face from his hands. His eyes lined with tears, his cheeks covered in the salt streams. The corners of his pink mouth fell so fast it seemed as if they'd been _painfully_  pulled down.

_When I hold you in my arms_

"I-I can't  _do it Aliyah,_ " he cried. "I- I I can't- I can't be-" 

_Oo-oo oh yeah_

"Alright, Castiel," she said softly. "It's alright. Try taking a deep breath. Everything will be alright."

_And I feel my finger on your trigger_

His eyes shut to her voice, tear ducts overflowing with fear and agony. Castiel's voice was nothing like the strong, steady deep tone he normally held. His voice was high and sharp like a puppy being kicked over and over and over again. His mouth shook and his words with it.

_Oo-oo oh yeah_

"I- I can't be what  _Dean wants me to be me,_ " he sobbed. "And I want to be with him  _so badl_ y!"

His teeth clashed together as he wiped his nose. "I'm sorry I just-"

"I  _ruin everything,"_  he said through clenched teeth. "I'm never going to be with him and it's  _all my fault!"_

_I know nobody can do me no harm_

He paused to push his sleeve over his disgusting face. Truly, he wanted to use his arm to slap himself.

_Oo-oo oh yeah_

"I am a futile product," he whispered, "of death and abandonment. My mother died before my first birthday and my father could not stand any of us. I- I have been al-h-hone," he stared at her, "for _so long_."

_Because happiness is a warm gun, mama_

"Aliyah I am _so alone,"_ he whispered, a fear turned true. "I am going to die alone. I am never going to father children. How can I be with someone,  _anyone_  when I am like this?”

_Happiness bang, bang, shoot, shoot_

Her eyes never left his tortured face. She was filed with something hot and sad, stomach churning at the boy's pain.

_Happiness is a warm, yes it is, gun_

He fell to tears once more, "I cannot be with  _anyone!_ I- I don't even- Dean and I- we haven't. I would only have to  _lay there!_ But I- I cannot- I am unable."

_Happiness bang, bang, shoot, shoot_

He choked on a terrifying truth. "It is not...  _pleasurable_ to me _._ " He stared at her and whispered so softly she almost missed his next sad words. 

_Well, don't you know that happiness is a warm gun, mama?_

"I am  _frightened_ , Aliyah."

_Happiness is a warm gun, yeah_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for your support everyone! Let me know what you think about Castiel and how he is handling things, he definitely has a lot on his plate right now, doesn't he? And what did everyone think about John and Sam? Comments mean the world, thank you!


	35. Don't Bother Me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Castiel confronts something he wishes he had long ago. Sam has a lot more going on than he's willing to admit. Zeppie is a wonderful dog, as always. John's presence has not been forgotten. Jo offers a weary Dean some good advice. Castiel tells Anna he wants to do something illegal. Guinea pigs.

He wiped his eyes, sniffling as he cursed his illogical reaction.

' _No one put a gun to your head and made you say it you dumb bitch. You want to keep this a_ secret?  _You're doing a shitty job of showing it.'_

Castiel sighed, breath rattling his chest while he lowered his face. His arm was perched on the dark chair and rose to cover his blotchy face. The room had been filled with stifling cries and wet words of pain, now it was as silent as a graveyard.

His red eyes moved lazily around the room, too tired and too embarrassed to meet Aliyah's kind face. Life was wrung from him like water from a rag. He felt the fabric twisting and tightening around his body until his energy squelched and squirted to the floor. He seeped through the carpet like piss over new clothes, disgusting.

Years of lamenting his experience in church and denying its existence seemed pointless. A year with a new boy had changed his entire life. 

"I did not want to tell you," Castiel finally spoke.

 _'No one cares_ ,' it hissed.

His voice was like sandpaper but he couldn't find it within himself to care. Aliyah was unmoved by the break in silence. She was often this way with him, never unemotional but always understanding and tranquil. She nodded before speaking calmly.

"I imagine that was difficult for you."

He laughed darkly, red eyes flickering to meet her face. No one wanted to hear Castiel's cries, this was stupid.  _He_  was stupid. It didn't matter that Castiel was incapable of functioning like a normal human being,  _no one cared_. 

"I'm telling everyone these days."

"Everyone?"

_Since she's been gone_

"Well, not everyone I suppose," he admitted with a frown. "Rather, I have told an excessive number of individuals."

_I want no one_

"I see, does Dean know about the assault?"

_To talk to me_

He closed his eyes, exhaling slowly at his name. He and Dean had not spoken for three days. Tomorrow was one of the last Friday's they'd share together before Castiel left for college. Their time was fading and how did they spend it? 

_It's not the same_

They avoided one another; perhaps Cas simply avoided Dean. Cas couldn't tell anymore. He was wasting Dean's time; senior year meant prom and drinking and graduation and being  _happy_ but Cas had ruined Dean's happiness, he had pulled him into a  _relationship_  going  _nowhere_. They would never move forward because  _Cas_  couldn't move forward. Never mind that Castiel wanted to stay with Dean.

_But I'm to blame_

"Yes, Dean knows."

_It's plain to see_

Her cardigan slipped off her shoulder as she picked her pen up from the floor. He imagined it had been dropped somewhere between his shouts and his sobs. Her eyes never left his face. He looked at the ground.

_So go away and leave me alone_

_Don't bother me_

_I can't believe_

"That must have been difficult for you," she said sincerely, "to feel alone for so long."

_That she would leave_

"Well..." he looked to his hands.

_Me on my own_

This was never a discussion he had imagined having with anyone. After Castiel told Dean, he felt relief cut like a knife into his bruised body but just as quickly regret poured into him like salt. He still felt those burns; he was frustrated when they began to flare inside of him.

_It's just not right_

"...It has made matters more arduous, yes."

_Where every night_

She nodded, patiently watching his expression. Castiel sighed, running a hand over his face.

_I'm all alone_

"Arduous is an interesting word. How long did he make you carry this burden alone?"

Castiel frowned, "Dean? It was not his fault. He implored my silences regularly."

She leaned forward in her chair, the furniture moving beneath her body. Her long, white cardigan brushed her dark knees with the movement.   Her dark lashes flickered but her eyes never left him.

"I wasn't talking about Dean," she said softly. 

A mix of confusion stirred in his chest before understanding hit him like a tidal wave. 

The wind was knocked from him as memories flooded into his mind and lungs. When Gabriel was younger, Michael would say he had long, blonde 'surfer hair.' One day Gabriel grew curious about surfers and invited Castiel to research the sport. 

Castiel remembered climbing onto Gabriel's lap as they watched video after video of professional surfers.

The water was clear and limitless. The ocean stretched past the cracked screen of the Novak's boxy, gray computer. They were entranced as men slipped onto their boards as if it were an extension of them. The surfers glided over the water and rose to the top of large, powerful waves. Castiel gasped as the waves grew, holding his brother's hand.

After all, nothing could stop water.

Gabriel grew his hair until their father dragged him to the barber's shop, demanding the ponytail be cut. Gabriel returned with his usual flop of bright hair and an even brighter smile. He promised the nine year old that one day they would drive to the ocean and sit atop their own board. 

As it turned out, surfboards were quite costly. Gabriel concluded they would share a surfboard. 

_"We won't be any good yet anyways," he said with a goofy smile. "You're the littlest so I'll sit right behind you!"_

The brothers continued to watch surfing videos and walk to the nearest pool to experiment. Gabriel laughed as Castiel stood on Naomi's bright pink pool float. They slipped and slid over the float, giggling and splashing until the sun went down. For Christmas he, Anna, Naomi, Michael, and Lucifer bought Gabriel a sleek, black surfing swimsuit. Gabriel wore it to sleep for a week. 

After their father left, the interest became somewhat of an obsession.

One day the brothers watched a video of a professional surfer- one of Gabriel's favorite athletes. He knew the surfer's age, his signature moves, the number of children in his family- Gabriel knew everything about him. The man's children were in every video, cheering their father on. They cheered for him now as he stood atop a mountain of brown stone. 

He had jumped into the ocean and resurfaced just as easily.

Castiel and Gabriel had watched with large grins, enamored in their mutual joy. The pixelated wave grew larger and larger and the man had soon become a brown dot in an ocean of stormy blues and dark grays. He'd persisted as the wave grew higher, its churning waters crawling faster and faster.

The man soon stood atop the wave like a king. Whoever had been filming had stood near the man's family. His sons and daughters shouted with joy at their father's proud stance. 

Suddenly the water had shifted and he fell to the sea like any other man. His head had resurfaced for a moment before the water slapped him beneath the sea. Castiel had thought he saw the surfer again near the mountain of rocks but could not see through the pixelated, violent sea. He'd hidden his face as the man was ripped from his family, his children.

_"I'd never let that happen to you," Gabriel said earnestly, pulling him into his side._

His hands had moved to the sides of Castiel's face. The little boy's chest rattled at the thought of losing Gabriel to the ocean. Gabriel looked him in the eye, hazel eyes focusing intently. 

" _Ya hear that Cassie?"_

Gabriel had spoken as if his life depended on it. They had sat in the living room, one of the last rooms their father had been in. One quick trip through this very room, out the door, and their father was gone forever.

 _Gabriel shook him, "I won't ever leave you like that, never! I'll_ never _leave you like that,_ okay?"

His hands had been warm and strong against Castiel's small face.

Castiel had nodded.

Gabriel's voice had been a background to Castiel's thoughts. He remembered thinking how terrifying it must have been to resurface from the water only to be shoved down. He and Gabriel had watched in horror as the video had played, camera searching for the confident surfer. Now, Castiel couldn't stop replaying the video in his head. He thought of the man thrashing underwater, his lungs burning as his home became his Hell. Castiel felt the same fear when Aliyah asked him about the priest.

He looked behind him.

Gabriel was nowhere to be seen.

The room's soft, purple curtains moved gently with the approaching summer's breeze. An empty corner was the only thing behind Castiel. He was alone.

"How long did this go on, Castiel?" 

She spoke gently to him as if she knew of the surfer and Gabriel's sharp cries of love and loyalty. His brother's words replayed in his head _._ _'I'll never leave you.'_

If Castiel looked closely he could still see his life slipping past his shoes. His stench stained the office he had grown so comfortable in. It occurred to Castiel that while he intended to follow Anna's request and attend these sessions he had never imagined discussing this particular event. Rather, these  _events_.

"I do not care to speak of him."

She nodded. "Okay, we don't have to discuss anything you don't want to. But your eyes have been lingering to the floor since we began this discussion." 

She crossed her legs, trying to maintain eye contact. "I'm just trying to form a better understanding. It’s a distressing subject and I think your perception of it is important. If you wouldn't mind filling in a few blanks... it could be helpful, but we don't have to focus on it if you don't want to."

Castiel had been displayed a variety of emotions today and Aliyah was worried to see him leave in this state. She hoped he would eventually feel comfortable discussing this with her but she was in no rush. Castiel had been very honest and open throughout their session. In her eyes, Castiel had made progress in leaps and bounds.

"I don't... I am not well versed in emotional honesty."

She raised her eyebrows, "What do you mean by emotional honesty?"

"Well... I am not- I have trouble explaining my emotions to others, I would rather keep such feelings to my own person."

"That makes you feel better, then? Keeping your feelings to yourself?"

"Well..." he chuckled, his chin dropping to his chest. _“Better_  is not the word I would use. Privacy does not make me feel much of anything anymore if I am speaking honestly."

He stared at nothing, "Spoken or not, it all hurts just the same."

She frowned, "Well privacy is less about feelings than it is not interacting with others. Privacy is a term for property, not people. And Castiel, your feelings of sadness?" She shook her head, looking as if the mere idea of Castiel in pain hurt her. "They are not fair to you; no one deserves to feel sad. It sounds like your feelings go deeper than privacy, Castiel. Someone hurt you."

"But..." Castiel's voice dropped to a whisper, eyes glued to the floor. "I was..." he closed his eyes, hating his inability to _get over it_ , "I was...  _bad_."

"Bad is a description, not a person themselves," she said kindly. "Who tried to write you off in a single word, Castiel?"

Castiel licked his lips. He had never considered that the priest was only a  _part_  of his life. Castiel had thought his  _entire_ life was consumed by disappointing others.

"He did."

"And what do you think of him?"

"I..." he frowned, tilting his head at her. “I am not sure what I thought. I-I did not think a-anything of him."

"I didn't ask what you thought _then_ ; I asked what you  _think,_ currently. What do you think about this man?"

"Well... he..." Castiel sighed, "he was um... h-he was p- _punishing_  me I suppose."

Her eyes were wide and brown, filled with hurt as she listened. Her soft mouth was the color of berries and stood in a firm line.

"Is that how viewed you him raping you, Castiel?" She spoke gently but firmly, "A slap on the wrist?"

He stared at her.

"I don't... I don't use..." he fell silent.

"But that is what happened?"

"Well it was not...” he frowned, biting his lip and leaning back against the purple chair. “It was not... th-there was a purpose behind it, of-of some- of some sort. There was a  _purpose_." He closed his eyes, "It happened for a  _reason."_

"But does that reason have to be you?"

He frowned, opening his eyes and staring at her. His brow scrunched over his blue eyes. He pulled back further in his chair and his mouth twisted to the side.

"... _What_?"

"Sometimes people find comfort in reason, it seems logical. But this was not a logical event, Castiel. Reason is not always reasonable. Could it be this happened because of him?"

"Well no, I... the priest he- I..."

"Did you ask him to do this to you?" She set her pen aside. "Did you, a child incapable of consent, approach him and ask him specifically to do exactly what he did to you?"

"Well..." he frowned, "perhaps... perhaps not in words but..."

"Castiel do you understand the meaning of consent?"

"Wha- of course I do!" His mouth twisted further to the side, something spiteful between his teeth. "I understand exactly what consent is, I would never hurt someone that way! I would never act upon someone in a way they did not want!"

"You would never do something another person didn't want?"

"No!"

She was unfazed, watching him with soft eyes as she continued her questions. "What about a child?"

His face twisted with disgust, " _No!_ Of  _course not!_ What- do you think I'm some kind of- that I'm some...some kind of..."

"Rapist?"

His protests crashed to a silent end. He stared at her, swallowing a pain in his throat.

"...Yes... some- some" he closed his eyes, "some kind of rapist."

"Rapists don't care about consent, Castiel. I mean if anyone is bad it's rapists." The firm line of her mouth quaked like the first tremor of an earthquake. "Rape happens with hubris and hate, greed and a need for power, a mad need to do something they feel no one can stop them from doing. You are not responsible for what he did to you."

He said nothing, looking at the office door.

"Castiel? Are you still with me?"

He nodded, speaking softly, "Yes I am with you."

"Did you want that older man to have sex with you, Castiel? Not to mention that you were a child and children are not capable of consenting."

"Well..." he fell silent.

A crazy, irrational,  _stupid_  part of him worried the man would know they were discussing him and waltz right in, taking Castiel with him.

"Did you want him to have sex with you, Castiel?"

He whispered like a scolded child in a corner, "I..."

He meets her gaze, his soft blue eyes lined with fresh tears.

"No."

*

_Jess made him cookies._

_God she was an awesome girlfriend._

_"I know your birthday's coming up. I made them just for you," she said with a grin, handing him the warm tray._

_Sam smiled, "Thanks Jess. I really needed this." He looked down at the plate of warm cookies, inhaling deeply._

_She laughed, curls moving against her tan skin as her head fell back with amusement. "You can eat them, Sam! I won't take them from you."_

_He shook his head, "What would I do without you?"_

_She smiled, shaking her at him, "Crash and burn."_

_He smiled before shoving a chocolate chip cookie into his mouth. The chocolate melted over his tongue and the dough crumbled beneath his teeth. It was delicious and_ hot _, hotter than Sam had expected it to be. He frowned as the food started to burn his mouth. He coughed but the burning lump seemed to grow thicker in his throat._

_She spoke softly, "Something wrong?"_

_He shook his head, smiling through his tears. He didn't want to let Jess down. The food continued to burn him until his heart felt hot and fast, a rush of feelings ripping through his body._

_"I'm-" he doubled over, clutching his burning stomach._

_He couldn't understand why- this had never happened to him before. His throats filled with fire until Sam could swear he was coughing smoke. It felt as if someone was sticking hot under his skin and between his ribs._

_"Je-" his watery voice was cut off by the dark, regurgitated acid spewing from his mouth._

_Sam's throat was coated with fire as he vomited again, disgusting red and black chunks coating the floor. But the wooden floor seemed softer now. Sam attempted to stand and fell backwards; the floor swayed underneath him like the Red Sea. He hacked again, hot arms shaking as his body convulsed._

_He looked up at her, tears running down his face. "Jess- w-what-"_

_But it wasn't Jess at all. Her dark hair hung low against her frame, the tendrils so long they caressed Sam's red cheeks. Ruby stood above him for once, smirking down at his crumpled form._

_She raised her eyebrows, shifting her weight to the other foot as she crossed her arms. "You said you really needed this, Sam."_

_He threw up._

_"Wha-" he coughed, "What did you-?"_

_His eyes dropped to the plate. The abandoned plate had developed a large crack down the center. Its glass was split down the middle, save the white shards embedded into Sam's skin._

_There was no food on the plate at all, but a scattered line of white powder. His heart burned further, racing and_ racing _so quickly he feared it would jump from his chest. His hazel eyes widened as he attempted to calm himself, emitting a shallow breaths._

_"R-Ruby," he coughed, staring up at her in fear. "What did you-?"_

_"What did_ I _do?" Her words reminded Sam of Dean's breakfast, giant stacks of thick, syrupy pancakes- so sweet they made him sick._

_She bent down to him, false smile replaced with irritation. She twisted a hand above his head and pulled him up by his hair._

_"Ow! Ruby, stop you're-"_

_"Oh,_ Sam _," she crooned. "What would you do without me?"_

 _"_ Crash and burn _," something whispered._

_Sam looked around, struggling in her grip, "Wha-"_

_"SAM!"_

_Ruby dropped him. The uneven ground had broken beneath him. He fell below the surface, the drugs following him like snow, white powder floating down the air. He was falling, falling, falling into a fiery abyss._

_Sam screamed._

_Someone grabbed him suddenly, holding him up by his wrist. The man squeezed the thin bones like toothpicks. Sam cried out, thrashing in the man's grip. Sam looked down at the flames below him. He cried out at the man's painful grip but prayed he wouldn't let go._

_"Did you do it, Sam? Did you?" The man thundered._

_Dad._

"You'll crash and burn."

 _Sam's eyes widened as John continued to yell at him, "Did you do it, Sam? You never do as you’re told!_ You never listen! _"_

_John shook his wrist harder, Sam's bones rattling in the man's fist. He cried out as his bones jarred from side to side._

_"_ Crash and burn."

_"Hey!" Dean suddenly stood next to John._

_John and Dean stood safely on the ground; everything else was crumbling around them. Ruby was gone, the plate was gone. Wherever Sam had fallen to was falling apart._

_The earthquake had taken everything but the ground beneath John and Dean's feet. His dad and brother stared at him from the safety of the rock as Sam dangled above the fiery pit beneath him._

" _Let him go," Dean spoke sternly, eyes moving from his father's face to his brother's._

_Sam nodded with relief, tears streaming down his cheeks. It sounded like someone was crunching glass beneath their feet; Sam realized it was the bones in his wrist. Dean nodded at his brother. He smiled weakly, lip shaking as he held the coughs within his aching chest. He could always count on Dean to support him._

_"Let him go, dad."_

_"_ You'll crash and burn."

_"The boy's a traitor," John bellowed. "He ain't one of us."_

_Sam felt fresh tears roll down his cheeks. "Dad how could you- I'm not a traitor!"_

_Dean thundered, "Let him_ go _, dad!"_

_All expression left John's face. "Okay."_

_Sam's wrist had broken by now, the constant feeling of knives at his wrist causing him to sob as he swung back and forth above the burning pit. John brought his trembling son closer to the safety of the earth's edge._

_"I said let him go," Dean said softly._

_Sam's head snapped to Dean's face, tears blurring his vision. "Dean. Wait, you don't mean- don't do this to-_

_His eyes were cold, in stark contrast to Sam's warm, tear filled red eyes. He bit down on his trembling lip. Sam was the weak one he wasn't going to make it worse with tears._

_Dean's eyes never left his face. "You either stand with us," his voice became darker, "or you don't stand at all."_

_It was becoming John's voice but god; the words came from Dean's mouth. No, Dean wasn't like their dad! Dean wouldn't do this to him!_

_"Let him go."_

"Crash and burn."

_He heard his wrist snap further, a nail beneath a hammer._

_"_ You'll crash and burn."

_He was falling away from his brother and father, their blank faces the only goodbye Sam received as he fell into the fire. He grabbed at air as his body fell further and further. The pit became brighter and the air became so hot Sam was scared to breathe._

"Crash and burn."

_He screamed. The fire surrounded him, scorching his hair. The flames burnt through his hair until there was nothing left but his scalp. He screamed hysterically, twisting and turning as the flames burnt through his skin._

"You'll crash and burn,"  _a million voices whispered._

" _Let him go."_

 _A million children cried out around him, the dead children they hadn't saved._ "You'll crash and burn!"

_"You either stand with us or you don't stand at all."_

_His flesh burnt, skin turning to rubber before melting past his face. The flames climbed higher and higher until the only thing he could see was red. Red for blood and flame and hatred like the disgust in Dean's eyes as Sam fell to his death._

"You'll crash and burn! You'll crash and burn!"

" _Let him go."_

 _"_ You'll crash and burn! You'll crash and burn!"

"CRASH AND BURN!"

_The broken bones of his wrist poked through his blackening flesh as he fell deeper into Hell._

"YOU'LL CRASH AND BURN YOU'LL CRASH AND BURN!"

**"CRASH AND BURN CRASH AND BURN!"**

**"YOU'LL CRASH AND BURN!"**

**"YOU'LL CRASH AND BURN!"**

**"YOU'LL CRASH AND BURN YOU'LL CRASH AND BURN YOU'LL CRASH AND BURN YOU'LL CRASH AND-"**

Sam woke up with a gasp. 

He breathed in deeply, lungs still burning. His chest was wet and warm, lungs burning from his screams. His head snapped from side to side in panic, scanning the room for danger. The only moving thing in the room was Zeppie.

Zeppie's soft, golden eyes stared up at Sam, his head resting on the boy's wrist. The dog bumped his wrist once more, his concerned eyes reflecting Sam's scarlet face. He got the feeling Zeppie'd been doing that a lot. 

Sam exhaled, "Th-Thanks, Zeppie."

The dog barked softly, pushing his head under Sam's soft palm. Sam chuckled, moving his arm from under the faded sheets to better pet the dog. Tomorrow was Friday; the start of the weekend and Sam intended to study for finals with Jess. He planned to keep his approaching birthday a secret from her, eliminating a distraction. Ruby was not as avoidable.

She was always one step behind him, waiting. Sam had no idea what Ruby wanted from him, why she had given him pills and crack... but she was nice to him. Ruby was  _always_  nice to him and no matter where Sam went, even in his  _dreams_ , she managed to find him.

Zeppie pulled him out of his thoughts, bumping his hand with his wet nose. Sam smiled as the dog ran to the front door and back, barking happily. He stared at Sam expectantly.

Sam smiled, "Wanna go on a walk, Zeppie? Good idea."

*

" _Damn_ ," Jo said with a smile. "You weren't kidding about taking your time."

"Hey! It's a restaurant," Dean grumbled, mouth full of food, "I came here to eat."

She raised her eyebrows at the torn cheeseburger on Dean's plate, grease dripping from the meat's center. She looked down at her notepad, never sure if he would order more. Dean's regular order had been increased throughout the night; mostly beers Jo grabbed him under the table. She figured he had the responsibilities of a 40 year old, he mine as well have the privileges of a 21 year old if only for the night.

If her mom was watching she might kick Jo out of the restaurant. Ellen wouldn't want tolerate her daughter break the laws. But Dean had been so unhappy all day, Jo decided she'd let it slide tonight. Besides, she thought with a grin, Dean still had to tip her.

He sighed, looking up at her. "I'm probably done for the night, Jo. You can sit if you want."

She raised her eyebrows, slumping into the booth. "You sure ‘bout that? ‘Cause that's what you said after your first drink. You haven't exactly been gettin' better with the alcohol, Winchester."

He closed his eyes, "Jo,  _please_. I've been gettin' lectures all around. I know I make bad life choices, okay?"

She frowned, checking for new customers before turning to her friend. "Well I wasn't gonna go that far but since  _you_ did." She raised her eyebrows, "What's up?"

He sighed, his shoulders shaking under the weight of being a parent and trying to mend his family and be there for Cas and be  _honest_  with Cas and not let down the people he loved. 

He laughed, "Just the usual, I guess."

Jo raised her eyebrows, "The usual doesn't involve three going on four beers with Sam home alone."

Dean scoffed, taking a swig of his bottle. "Three going on four beers?" He rolled his eyes, "I'm not a lightweight, Jo."

Jo frowned, taking the bottle from his hand and swatting him.

"Ow! Hey," Dean protested. "I paid for that!"

She stood up, looking down at her friend before walking away. Dean said nothing, stupefied by her rejection. His throated burned; what was he thinking?

Jo didn't want to hear his crap. He couldn't help Sam; the kid had practically pushed him out the door as soon as they got home. He sure as hell couldn't help Cas. The two of them were over, he knew it.

They'd never be anything anyways, he and Cas. Dean was stupid to think Cas would want him, stupid to think Cas  _could_  want him. He never stood a chance with someone so kind and intelligent and beautiful. 

He scrubbed his skin of tears; the salt burnt like acid running down his cheeks. Friends laughed and sang and danced in drunken glee as Dean sat alone.

"Here, you better quit your complaining cause I got you a to go-" Jo stopped in her tracks, taking in her emotional friend.

Dean was scrubbing at his face before his dull eyes stared at nothing. He was silent as the restaurant sang with cheer. 

"Dean," Jo said softly as she returned to her seat. "What's going on?"

He spoke hoarsely, "I don't know, Jo. Nothing I can fix, that's for sure."

"What, your dad? Don't beat yourself up over him, Dean."

He laughed again, wiping his face before speaking. "That’s not even the problem today."

Ha,  _today_. He was so pathetic. She watched him with concern, dismissing the bubbling laughter of hysteria.

"Then what is it, Dean?"

"Y'know," Dean began roughly, "ever since this year started I've felt lighter? I mean, sure it's been hell in more ways than one but-"

He sighed, "This is stupid."

Jo glared at him, her finger in his face. "Dean Winchester if you don't finish that thought I'm cutting you off, for good. No more discounted beers at the roadhouse, no full priced alcohol you'll be cut off."

Her tone changed as she leaned forward, meeting his eyes. "Tell me what's going on, please."

He sighed, "Fine." He raised his eyebrows pointedly before continuing. "Don't blame me if ya don't like what ya here."

"I just... I really like it here, y'know? I like getting to see you and Ash more than a few times a year. I like working with Bobby. And- and Sam likes it here too,  _really_  likes it. Jess was heckling me about his birthday the other day!" 

He sighed, "Sam's a nice kid and friends just seem to come so easy to him before we have to leave every time. It's not dad fault, y'know?"

His jaw tightened as he spoke, his eyes watching something Jo couldn't see. "He's a detective and he doesn't want us to get hurt, I know that. He's protecting us. I just hate to see Sam have to leave his friends, the people he loves. Sam's crazy about Jessica, he's always babbling about her and he and dad got in some kind of fight and now he seems scared to bring her up."

Jo nodded, "It sounds like Sam is having a hard time."

Dean shook his head, "Tell me about it. The kid's having nightmares and gettin' angry, I don't know what to do."

"Sometimes people need to comfort their fears head on but you could always ask him about it."

"Cas is better at that kind of stuff," Dean said with a sigh. "I think I'd try and the words would just come out all wrong and Sam would be pissed and I'd be pissed- I'm just not good with that kind of stuff, Jo."

She raised her eyebrows, "You think  _Cas_  is better with emotions? Are we talking about the same guy here?" 

She smiled, "I mean I love him but Cas isn't who I'd choose to talk to about dating, he's too closed. 

Nice guy, of course but he doesn't seem relationship material."

Dean frowned, "Maybe you just don't know him well enough, Jo. Cas is awesome he's just kinda quiet. Once you get to know him he's..."

"Well he's pretty great," Dean said with a smile.

"I gathered," Jo said with a smile. "Well, if you were in Sam's position what would you do? How would you talk to someone you really care about if you didn't think you would see them for a long time? Hell, knowing your dad you could leave tomorrow you could stay for a year."

He opted to ignore Jo's last comment. "I'd run to them, if I could. I don't think he can afford to be scared all the time. Sure he's young but if he wants to keep her better tell her so."

Jo leaned forward, "So what should you do?"

His eyes widened before he smiled softly.

He pushed away from the table, keys in hand, "Thanks Jo."

She grinned, folding her arms as Dean walked out. "Don't mention it!

"Keep the $20!" Dean grinned, "You earned it!"

*

Anna was pestering him.

"It's time to wake  _up_ ," she sang with a grin.

Castiel groaned, further burying his face in his pillow. If not for his dark bed head poking and his feet, Anna wouldn't know her brother was  _home_. Cas had been quiet the last few days. Since Anna had a few hours before she needed to continue studying (Lord have mercy on her and her peds exams) she was hoping to convince Castiel to come out of the darkness for a few hours. With Gabriel, Michael, and Luc- a sharp intake of breath finished that sentence. Anna shuddered at the thought of where Lucifer could be, what he could be doing.

The large room was lonely and dark without the other Novak's whispers. Michael hardly left a sign of his presence but a stray coat on his bed, but it was a reminder. Gabriel's bed was in stark contrast to the twins’ empty beds, covered in thick quilts and wrappers he claimed he was too busy to throw away.

_"I can only excel in so many areas, Anna. My bed will just have to be a disaster."_

_"It's more than a disaster," she muttered._

_"Sorry_ mom _I'll get Cassie right on it."_

_She rolled her eyes._

If not wrappers, Gabriel liked to cover his bed in glossy magazines.

_Castiel frowned, "Could you at least put your pornography away?"_

_Gabe had shrugged, "You don't have to look if you don't want to."_

_He raised his eyebrows, smirking, "I've got some scrumptious male models if that's more your style, Cassie."_

_"No, thank you. I doubt Dean would appreciate that," he said with a smirk of his own._

_Gabriel had planned to instigate his little brother further but he was too busy choking on his tongue at Cassie's suggestive smirk._

_He laughed at Gabe's mortified expression. There was no way Cassie was having sex, Gabriel told himself._

_"What's the matter Gabriel, cat got your tongue?"_

The present Castiel was anything but amused. The sun was too bright, cursed warm days, and the idea of leaving his bed grated against his mind each time Anna spoke. If Castiel wanted to spend his Friday night sleeping then he would do so.

I've got no time for you right now," he mumbled. "Don't bother me."

She rolled her eyes, smiling. "Castiel, I'm glad you find refuge in The Beatles but you can't just use their lyrics in place of a response."

"Watch me," he grumbled.

_I know I'll never be the same_

She sighed, "Come on, Castiel. I know you're upset about Dean but maybe going out will take your mind off of things."

_If I don't get her back again_

Cas laughed, his covered form rolling in the bed as he turned away from her.

_Because I know she'll always be_

She smiled, leaning towards her brother. " _And_ I'll let you drive."

_The only girl for me_

"I don't yet have a license," his muffled voice said. "Where would I drive us?"

_But till she's here_

"We could go driving around the college and I could show you where my classes are and where I think the ceremony will be held," she offered.

Her hands tightened around her purse as she decided her and Amelia's plans would to have wait. A quiet, shut off Castiel was never a good sign.

_Please don't come near_

_"_ I would get you in trouble," said the pile of blankets that was her brother. He shifted in his bed, sitting up at last to speak with her. Anna put a hand to her mouth at Castiel's sleep filled eyes and disastrous hair. She bit back a laugh; a dark brown tendril stuck up in every direction, half of Castiel’s hair was flattened against his face.

_Just stay away_

He sighed, his tired, apologetic eyes meeting her face. "I don't mean to be rude Anna. I am just incredibly tired and school will be ending soon and I am unsure about school amongst other uncertainties."

_I'll let you know_

She nodded," Sounds like you could use someone to talk to."

_When she's come home_

He chuckled, "I have led several conversations as of late. I assure you I have spoken more than enough."

_Until that the day_

"Well I'm glad that you like Aliyah but you have to make changes in your everyday life if you want to see real change, Castiel." 

_Don't come me around leave me alone_

He sighed, perhaps she had a point. No, Anna  _definitely_  had a point but he was too stubborn to admit it. 

_Don't bother me_

_Dean nodded, "Well I was asking about you and since we're both being stubborn sons of bitches it doesn't seem we'll be getting anywhere."_

_I've got no time for you right now_

Castiel frowned at the recent memory. Perhaps if he could find a way to change him and Dean would no longer argue. He met Anna's eyes, considering her offer.

_Don't bother me_

She smiled, "We could stop at the pet store and look at guinea pigs." 

_I know I'll never be the same_

And that was how Castiel ended up in the driver's seat, Anna smirking the entire drive. 

_If I don't get her back again_

She applauded as Castiel calmly parked the car, any sign of nerves or annoyance replaced with concentration as he put her car in park. The small car was stopped perfectly between the two yellow lines. Cas smiled softly at the vehicle's position as the siblings closed its doors. 

_Because I know she'll always be_

The doorway to Heaven (or, as Anna called it, the pet store) was filled with adorable animals; the bell rang happily as the siblings entered the colorful store. The squeaks and barks and meows were music to Castiel's ears. Anna walked behind her brother as he reached to pet every dog they passed.

_The only girl for me_

A young girl around the age of 17 smiled at them, her dark, curly ponytail brushing her uniform as she turned to them. 

"Can I help you two with anything?"

Anna smiled at her little brother. Castiel was speaking to each animal, making sure to give each puppy an equal amount of attention. He sighed as he noticed a large, white fence leading to the cat's homes. 

"I think we're good here," she said with a smile. "Thanks."

She offered a warm reminder that she'd be at the register if they needed her. Anna's eyes followed Castiel who had bent down to speak to a beautiful, fluffy orange cat. She walked towards him and laughed when the cat and Castiel made the same face, frowning at one another.

"So," she said with a smile. "Feeling better now that you're out of the house?"

He nodded, "I do love animals, and it is difficult to be unhappy in their presence." He sighed, "I wish Dean was here."

He smiled speaking fondly, "Dean recognizes dogs for the beautiful creatures they are but also had a bad experience as a child so he is quite cautious around them."

" _However_ ," he said importantly while petting the orange cat. "Dean loves Zeppie very much," his expression became something fond and wistful, "and when they play together he has this big grin on his face like the worlds in his hand. Sam, Dean, and Zeppie get along wonderfully."

He chuckled, "Sam may have even taken Zeppie from Dean, to some extent. You should see them, Anna."

She crossed her arms, nodding, "I feel like I already am, Castiel." She smiled, "You really care about them, don't you?"

He nodded, "I do."

Castiel smiled to himself as he continued to walk around the store, eyeing a small guinea pig resting in his cage. The other kennels were large enough for each pet to have a friend but it seemed this creature was alone. He sighed, wishing he could take the lonely animal home. 

The black and white guinea pig stared at him, his fluff mixing with the food he refused to eat.

"It's sad, isn't it?"

Castile turned around, expecting Anna but finding himself face to face with the smiling girl. Now, however, the girl was frowning at the cage. She shook her head sadly at the lonely guinea pig. 

"You know they're social creatures?" She stared through the glass as she spoke, "They actually love to be together. Guinea pigs are supposed to be in herds. He used to have a buddy but the little guy was just too small, he couldn't make it. Now this little guy's all alone."

Castiel nodded sadly, wanting to take the creature home. Just then another guinea pig stuck his head up from the hay, running to the glass' edge to see the other animal. The lonely pet raised his head, shuffling to the edge of his cage to see the lighter guinea pig. 

Castiel smiled, "Who's this guy?"

"She's actually a she, and a sweet one." The girl smiled as she spoke, watching the two guinea pigs stare at one another through their cages. "She's got a brother and sister with her in there and she's taken a liking to Mr. Comatose over there."

Castiel frowned, turning away from the sweet pets. "Mr. Comatose?"

She shrugged, "If she's not entertaining him, all the little guy does is sleep. But I'm glad they've got each other. It can be tough on your own, y'know?"

He nodded, watching the fluffy creatures shuffle back and forth, bumping their noses against the glass to be near one another. 

Castiel turned away, "Anna, we have to go."

Anna raised her eyebrows, turning away from a group of rabbits. "We do?" 

"Yes," he walked back to the orange cat, smiling. "I'm not finished with you yet."

Anna raised her eyebrows, smiling, "What are you doing?"

"I've almost cracked him. This cat  _will_  love me." He headed towards the door, pausing to look at the cashier. "This will make no sense to you, but thank you..."

"Hannah," the girl supplied with a smile, blue eyes crinkling. "Happy to help."

"You have helped, immensely so." He looked at Anna, "Now if you don't mind this guinea pig has convinced to me confront my boyfriend."

The two walked towards the front, Anna smiling the entire way. He grinned, waving, "Thank you, Hannah!"

She smiled as the bell jingled with their exit. "Good luck!"

*

 

"May I borrow your car?" Castiel asked as they drove home. "I would never normally ask such a thing by it is of the utmost importance."

Anna's eyes widened, "You want to  _borrow_  my  _car?"_

"I know it's a lot to ask for a variety of reasons, including it being illegal and if you are..." he bit his lip. “If you are angry with me I completely understand but I had to at least ask." 

"Uh... you're okay with doing something illegal?" Anna raised her eyebrows as they drove closer to their house. "I'm not mad, I'm  _surprised_. Who are you and what have you done with my brother?"

"Cas is back in town," he said with a dorky smile.

"Castiel,  _stop_ ," Anna said between laughs, face red.

He bit his lip, looking down at his hands. "Are you sure it will be okay for me to use your car? I'll bring it right back, I promise."

"Well you just drove us to the pet store and back, I trust you. But I also don't want an unlicensed driver alone in my car when in trying to become a nurse." She smiled, "You drive, and I'll disappear when we get there."

"Deal."

She smiled as they backed out of the driveway, clicking her seat belt. "You've done really well with driving as of late. Dean must be a good teacher."

Castiel smiled, "Yes I am very lucky to have Dean."

Logically, Cas knew the drive to Dean's house was only 15 minutes; it seemed to last for hours. Apologies and emotional declarations crackled in his mouth like the blueberry pop rocks under Gabriel's bed. 

_But till she's here_

Castiel detested confrontation. The wheel was clammy beneath his hands; he thought longing of his comfortable bed. Why had he let Anna talk him into leaving the house?

' _Don't do something stupid, whore,'_ his anxiety whispered, curling around his arm like a boa constrictor.

_Please don't come near_

No, that was not what he needed right now. His fears flooded into his mind; they didn't care that Castiel wanted to be happy, they didn't care. He slowed the car to a stop as they approached a red light.

_Just stay away_

His eyes widened.  _They_ didn't care, but weren't  _they_  his own thoughts? Perhaps Castiel had finally, truly lost his mind. 

 _'They_ don't _care, Castiel. No one cares.'_

He frowned at the thought.  Castiel was responsible for his thoughts; clearly he was insane if the very things which controlled him were his undoing. He lifted his foot from the brake as the light changed green. What had Aliyah said?

_Just stay away_

She had mentioned examining his thoughts. Which seemed an odd suggestion as Castiel regularly embraced his thoughts for the madness that they were. He frowned, knowing he was doing something wrong. He sighed, frustrated with his helplessness. Must he always make mistakes?

_"You can lay your thoughts out and just look at them. And Castiel, this isn't for you to judge yourself on any of your thinking." She smiled softly, "This is just an opportunity to look at your thoughts and explore a bit."_

Yes, that was it. Castiel was not to judge his thinking; he was to reflect on his thoughts. Aliyah's voice flowed through his mind.

" _It may seem daunting at first, but that's only because people so often think their thoughts are binding. They really aren't. Castiel, have you ever tried examining your thoughts? Not in a negative way, but just looking at your thoughts and wondering, ‘what inspired this thought?"_

 _'Boohoo. You hate yourself, whore,'_ it whispered mockingly.  _'What are you having trouble understanding?'_

 _"Feelings cannot be stupid, Castiel, they are feelings. And if this feeling is stopping you from being happy it's especially important to understand it._ "

Anna bit her lip, "Are you feeling alright, Castiel?"

He nodded, "Just nervous."

_"Remember what I said about using these opportunities? Use them not to call your feelings or yourself stupid but to learn more about yourself and move forward."_

Why did Castiel think no one cared about his irrational emotions? He frowned, he was not comfortable being so vulnerable, not even with himself.  

_I'll let you know_

But why did Castiel think no one cared? He shook his head as he flipped the car's turn signal. It seemed obvious why he shied from compassion; Castiel had grown up hearing no one cared about him, the answer was obvious.

_When she's come home_

Castiel was not sure why but the answer frustrated him. Aliyah's recommendations were clearly depleting his energy. He should not be doing this; he should not be asking himself stupid questions. Cas felt his lip quirk in the corner as he approached Dean's street.

_Until that the day_

Soon the apartments were in view, Dean's dirty white-gray home sticking out like a sore thumb. He bit his lip, blue eyes flickering to his quiet sister.

"Maybe we should go back," he whispered.

She patted his arm gently, looking at him with concern. "Do you really want to go back?"

"Well I certainly do not want to confront Dean," he grumbled. 

"You know what I think?"

He frowned, "Should I? Unless our mother possessed telepathic abilities I cannot imagine either of knowing what the other thinks."

She laughed softly, staring up at Dean and Sam's home. The best up green window was covered by an old, faded white sheet. Castiel used to leave home magazines open on their table, insisting Dean let him redecorate. 

_Dean laughed at Castiel's offer of money, "Whatever makes you feel at home, Cas."_

Dean wanted to Castiel to feel at home, with him. He wanted Castiel to be a part of Dean's life, and Castiel wanted Dean to be a part of his. Anna smiled at him.

"I think you care about Dean," she said softly, soft lips curving to reveal bright teeth. "I think he makes you feel special, like you belong. And I think you're afraid to let yourself feel like you belong."

He frowned, ignoring the ache within his chest as he turned to his sister. "And why would I feel that way?"

A stir in his chest feared Anna knew him all too well. A couple passed their small car as they rolled a grocery cart to their steps, looking at the siblings. The woman wore a large green sweatshirt and baggy jeans, her husband wearing similar clothes despite the warm weather.

Perhaps the couple had no other clothes to wear; perhaps they only had one another. He wondered if they knew Dean, wondered if they knew anything past their big clothes and sad home. Castiel stared at Dean's dented door, the creaky stairs taunting him to approach the dreaded second floor. Dean's floor, the second floor, room 261.

"Because being a part of something means others being a part of you. It means being vulnerable and admitting you don't want to be alone, that you can't do everything by yourself." 

She rested a cool hand over his, speaking honestly. "I know that feeling, Castiel. When I found out that I- that I wasn't... a part of this family, it forced me to realize how badly I need everyone. You, Gabriel, Naomi- everyone is a part of my family, more so than I'll ever be a part of theirs. But it doesn't make you  _stronger_  to be alone." 

She met his eyes sadly, her hand slipping away, "It just makes you lonely."

"Castiel I thi-  _oh_ ," she smiled at the embrace. "What's this?"

"I love you," he said gruffly. He tightened his arms around Anna before pulling back, palms still resting on her shoulders. "You'll always be a part of our family."

She smiled. "I love you too. Thanks, Castiel."

He shook his head, returning her keys before unbuckling. "No, thank  _you_."

She grinned, "Go get him, Castiel!"

He frowned before stepping out of the car, turning back as his sister slipped into the driver's seat. "I do not  _intend_  to," he raised his fingers in air quotes, " _get_   _him_. This is not a kidnapping. Dean shall remain in his home."

She smiled, putting the car in reverse. "Good luck, Castiel."

He frowned, stomach churning. "Of course it is getting dark, Anna. Do you think I should just-?"

She waved as she drove away, "Bye!"

He sighed, "Go...home."

His coat fluttered around him, reminding Castiel of the approaching darkness. The warm breeze of late April tousled his air, as if to deter him from seeing Dean. His stomach churned as he approached the metal stairs, his fingers twisted amongst one another.

Before Castiel knew it he was at the door, the door's number  **261** glaring at him for approaching. His hand froze before the knocker and just as Castiel turned to leave, cursing himself under his breath, the door opened.

Dean stood in the door's opening, wearing another one of his stupid flannels. His dirty blonde hair stuck out in various directions, but his green eyes were sharp as always. He wore a white flannel crossed with green and black plaid and-  _god_ (he'd repent later) Castiel wanted to kiss him for it; he wanted to kiss him for just being  _Dean_.

But Castiel's mouth opened and closed with declarations that were too extravagant and apologies that were too shameful. Dean raised his eyebrows at the flustered looking teenager.

"Cas?" His warm, gruff voice continued, filled with confusion. "I was just heading out to see- what are ya doing here?"

' _Heading out to see someone who isn't you,'_  his mind hissed. ' _He doesn't_ want _you anymore, whore. Go be someone else's plaything, you're good at that.'_

Castiel winced, raising a hand to his temple. Dean frowned at the movement before inviting an uncomfortable Castiel inside.

"You look exhausted man," he said while guiding Cas to the couch, apologies hidden behind Dean's tongue.

"I am."

Dean nodded, raising his eyebrows at the blatant honesty. "I uh... I'm sorry to hear that."

I'm sorry for  _everything_  Dean wanted to say. I'm sorry that I'm a mess and probably can't stick around to make up for it. I'm sorry I can't be the kind of guy you deserve.

Castiel nodded, eyes dropping to the ground. Now that he was here everything seemed so uncertain. But he was certain in one aspect: he was tired of fighting.

"I miss you," he exhaled, the truth draining him of any remaining fear. "I know it's only been a few days and this is probably more than you want to hear right now but I miss you."

Dean's eyes widened, his face softening with Cas' honesty. He placed a hand under his boyfriend's chin, leaning in to kiss him softly. His lips hadn't changed since their last kiss and yet Dean found a need to explore them further.

He pulled away, smiling with something warm and quiet. "I missed you too."

Castiel reveled in this and seemed to melt into him. Maybe Cas cared about him too? He sure looked like he cared about Dean. Of course, Cas didn't need to do much to make him feel special.

His lips were soft and tasted of honey and tea. 

Castiel smiled as he whispered to Dean on the couch, "Then let’s cease our misgivings."

Dean nodded eagerly, knowing he'd agree to whatever Cas wanted. The warmth in his mouth had quickly spread down his body, making its presence known to him. Castiel held him close, smiling softly. Dean's eyes widened at the hug; he hurried to angle his pelvis away from his boyfriend.

He cursed internally, gritting his teeth _. 'Did I just get turned on by the word_ misgivings?'

The press of jeans against Cas' leg seemed to have been warning enough. His blue eyes flickered up to Dean who rubbed the back of his heated neck. Great, he had ruined everything. 

He pulled away so Castiel didn't have to, ashamed for ruining things  _again_.

"I- I'm sorry Cas I didn't mean to..." He smiled uncomfortably shrugging, "At least now you can see I've missed you?"

He groaned the moment the words left his mouth, fingers pressing over his face. God no, god  _why_ of _all things_ would he sa _y that?_ Dean rushed to fix the damage, regret pouring from his mouth as he spoke.

"God Cas I-" he winced, shutting his eyes. "I mean ignore that last part cause you're religious but that was totally over the line and- I mean where did that come from, right?" He laughed nervously, "Talk about off topic, huh? I mean I guess it's not off topic since most relationships include that-"

 _God_  why did Dean exist? Why did any words ever fall from his big mouth?

His eyes widened as he raised his hands in alarm. "I mean-! Y'know not  _our_  relationship and that's totally fine that's- that's more than fine! I don't even care about that and you shouldn't either, man! Unless you want to, of course! B-but I like showers Cas, and I-" 

Castiel watched Dean sputter on with amusement, smiling. 

"I mean I definitely spend a hell of a lot more time in there now." His eyes widened, "Not that I didn't shower before! I just- well I-" Dean laughed awkwardly, his smile a painful cry for help. "God I- I don't know when to stop, do I?"

Castiel smiled, "I would argue for the negative."

Dean nodded, "Right but I- I'm just  _really_  sorry that happened and this is-" 

He sighed, plastering on a fake smile. "Honestly this is all really embarrassing, but please just ignore me and pretend I- you know what? Just pretend I'm not even here, ignore my entire presence and pretend none of that happened."

Castiel raised his eyebrows, waiting to see if Dean had finished. "I believe it will prove difficult for me to forget... any of that."

He laughed, "You are forgiven, Dean. I will not fault you for your biology." His eyes dropped to the ground, hand dropping to entwine with his other hand. 

"Besides I... I have been making some progress on that particular agenda."

Dean raised his eyebrows, "What d'ya mean?"

"Well I..." he sighed. “I have been learning new things about myself," he frowned "or perhaps remembering things about myself. I am still attending sessions and I have been more talkative as of late."

Dean smiled, "As of late, huh? That's," he shook his head with a grin, before beaming at Castiel as if he held the sun. "That's great, Cas. That's really, really great."

"Well... thank you," Cas blushed, staring at his hands.

No one had ever treated his therapy like an  _accomplishment._ Of course Anna was supportive but Castiel couldn't discuss his appointments with her. Gabriel meant well but therapy was far too serious a topic to discuss with his brother. After all, Castiel had to fake some semblance of sanity, didn't he?

He had been seeing her for almost a month now and each visit seemed easier than the last. Aliyah had not changed yet Castiel more comfortable in her presence. Sometimes (not that he would ever,  _ever_ admit this he did not want to appear ludicrous) Castiel wished she were with him for more of his social interactions.  

Aliyah shone a light in Castiel's eyes but in that light he became more and more aware of the darkness which had enveloped him. How was he to accomplish anything on his own?

' _You'll fail. Simple as that, whore.'_

"I'm serious Cas, that's a huge accomplishment."

His soft eyes met Dean's winsome face. "Truly, I don't want us to fight anymore."

"Me neither," Dean wrapped an arm around the teen, placing a kiss on his forehead. "I missed you too much."

Castiel sighed happily as Dean relaxed against the couch, smiling at him. He burrowed in next to Dean's side, a cotton sheet beneath his folded knees. Dean was warmer than his single bed would ever be. He rested his head against Dean's shoulder as a hundred voices yelled for him to stop.

"I love when you're like this," Cas whispered before he could stop himself.

Dean smiled, looking down at the messy head of dark chocolate hair. "Like what?"

"The last time we were together I spoke cruelly to you." His blue eyes shone with sincerity as he placed a hand on Dean's cheek. "I am very sorry Dean."

Castiel sat up, hand still resting on his cheek. "I hate when you're angry with me and when we fight. I want always for you to be young at heart. I love when you're happy and I am sorry we have made one another  _un_ happy these past weeks."

He closed his eyes, deciding it was better to say it now while Dean was happy. "You have to understand, you represent a lot of...  _obstacles_  for me." He opened his eyes, watching Dean's expression solemnly. 

"I have never been so willingly vulnerable with another person. I understand I can shut you out and you can do the same. We should be toxic to one another, not attracted. And yet we are together." He smiled softly, "I enjoy being with you Dean. I do not mean to push you away and I apologize for when I do. I care a great deal for you. I want to be honest with you; I want to share things with you."

His blue eyes bore into Dean's. Perhaps Dean should have been uncomfortable but he only wanted to dive deeper into the oceans of Cas' gaze. Castiel placed a hand over his.

He raised a hand to Dean's cheek once more, "Someday, I could even see us..."

Dean's breath hitched.

His hand fell away, "But that can be discussed another day."

"Cas I-" Dean sighed, "I might not have many days left."

He frowned, "What do you mean?"

"I'm sorry that I've been such an ass lately. I know what we have ain't perfect but I don't want it to stop." He chuckled, "I guess I'm scared that's exactly what's going to happen."

"Why? We graduate in less than three weeks. When could you leave?"

Dean shook his head. "If dad wants to leave we'll have to go. Sam's been a mess while he's been gone and I don't know how to help him so who knows if I'll ever be trusted with him again. That damn dog, that  _wonderful_ , godsend of a dog won't be allowed to come with us."

Cas bit his lip. He hadn't considered their father's reaction to an animal in the house. If the family traveled as often as the brothers said, they could not possibly bring a dog with them.

"Sam's been having nightmares by the way, dark and twisted dreams that leave him screaming and the only one who can calm him down is Zeppie. Also Sam's got a girlfriend," he met Castiel's eyes. "He's never been in a long term relationship before so I can't imagine that'll end well. I mean I still haven't told 'im that  _I'm_  in a relationship."

Cas felt his heart flutter at the acknowledgment before brushing over the thought. They had known one another for a year, such emotional thoughts hardly seemed appropriate. 

"Let alone that I'm dating a... a  _guy_ ," he shook his head. "Oh I can only imagine... when dad comes home," Dean stared at the front door, fear etched across his face. 

Castiel placed a hand on his arm, speaking softly. "I will not leave you. If you feel safer at my home, you and your brother are welcome to bide there."

He smiled tiredly, patting Castiel's knee. "I appreciate that, Cas. I'm just tired I guess."

"I will admit I do not have a license of any kind but, in the words of a professional, it..." he frowned, "sounds like you have a lot on your plate."

Dean laughed, "I appreciate it Dr. Phil but I'm fine."

Cas frowned, "Let’s not do this again, please. I understand you are uncomfortable with emotional honesty and I have difficulties with it as well, but I fear it is creating toxicity within our relationship."

Dean chuckled, "I can't say I disagree. And believe me I don't want that. I want a toxic free relationship, thanks. I'm trying Cas but I know you've got a lot going on and I just don't... I'm not good with this stuff, okay?"

"I understand. I too have experienced difficulties with 'this stuff.' But it does not make either of us happy to see you suffer Dean." His lips rose before falling into a deeper sadness against his face. "My feelings completely aside, this repression is not  _healthy_  for you. You deserve to be happy, everyone does."

He chuckled, "When did you become an emotional guru, Yoda?"

"I..." Castiel faltered. "I have realized my thoughts are both more powerful and less powerful than I originally believed. And I want no one to benefit from my sessions more than my friends and family."

He met Dean's eyes, speaking intently. "I want to help you. I understand you may feel uncomfortable with the suggestion of seeing someone but as you have attended before, I believe it would be helpful for you to discuss these fears more regularly."

_Dean chuckled, “You worried ‘bout me, Cas?”_

“Of course I am,” Castiel said with a frown. “You’re my guinea pig.”

Dean frowned before breaking into laughter, smiling from to ear to ear. “ _What?_ What does that even _mean?!”_

Castiel blushed, “I will explain later and then it shall all make sense.”

‘ _God I love him,’_ Dean thought with a smile.

Of _course_ , Castiel had a story behind calling him a guinea pig. Hell, he should have had a story like this earlier for Dean. Cas was one of the biggest, most adorable dorks Dean had ever met. He turned towards Castiel, ignoring the old couch pushing into his back as he smiled at his boyfriend.

“Oh, really?” Dean spoke with amusement, “ _Later,_ you’ll explain why you called me a rat? What’d you have in mind for now?’

Castie leaned towards him, pressing his lips against Dean’s. His soft, pink mouth was sweet and heavenly; Dean placed a hand in Cas’ dark hair, gently guiding him towards Dean. Castiel made a soft noise which Dean tried and failed to ignore, not wanting a repeat of the earlier embarrassing exchange. Dean grinned against Castiel’s mouth, chuckling as their mouths pressed against one another’s.

“What-?“ Castiel pulled away, raising his eyebrows at Dean’s voice.

Dean already missed Castiel’s oversized coat tangling in his flannel. He really needed to stop talking. He grinned, “What has gotten into you?’

Castiel smiled, resting a hand on his cheek. “I sincerely missed my guinea pig.”

He pulled away, raising a hand as he stared at Castiel. Dean shook his head before the words could leave his mouth.

“Okay hold on, _hold on._ Keep in mind that I care about you… _a lot_ but… no, if we’re doing the pet names-” Dean raised his eyebrows, mouth pulling to the side with a grimace, “ _Guinea pig?_ That’s off the table.”

Castiel smiled, “Those guinea pigs gave me the final push to come here.”

“I’ll thank them later,” Dean said with a smile.

“Well, actually, Anna almost gave me a literal push but I find the guinea pigs’ effective, logical arguing skills and big eyes were the final argument leading me to my conclusion.”

_Don't come around leave me alone_

Dean grinned, bringing his mouth to Castiel’s once more, “And what’s that?”

Castiel smiled, speaking between kisses. “That I- missed- you.”

The sound of an old key turning behind the door was the couple’s only warning of an entrance.

“Hey Dean I’m back fro-“ Sam closed his eyes at the intimate couple. “Oh I-!”

_Don't bother me_

“I...” Sam’s eyes focused on Dean and Castiel before flickering to the hallway and back to them, both having separate to indulge in Sam’s awkwardness. Were Castiel not so enamored with Dean he would have felt bad for the tall boy. Sam smiled awkwardly, raising his eyebrows.

“I uh… guess you two are done fighting, huh?”

Casitel nodded, looking at Dean. “I believed we have reached a peaceful conclusion, yes.”

Dean smiled, returning to his boyfriend’s lips. “I would agree.”

“Oh uh- oh okay!” Sam looked away as the couple returned to their previous engagement. “I’ll uh- Zeppie and I will be in my room then!”

_Don't bother me_

The boys hummed an acknowledgement as Sam hurried off, his cheeks burning. Zeppie stared at him, wanting to join the boys’ happiness.

“Trust me Zeppie, this is one kiss you do not want to be a part of,” Sam whispered, eyes glued to the floor as Castiel and Dean continued kissing.

_Don't bother me_

Castiel smiled against Dean’s mouth.

Guinea pigs truly were gifts from God.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Nothing like an 11, 1000 word chapter to satisfy readers, right? Haha, I hope yous guys enjoyed it! Let me know what you think about Dean and Cas resolve! What did you think about Sam's nightmare, what do you want to see happen with Ruby? Comments mean the world- thanks guys!


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